Avoiding the "Four Horsemen" in Marriage
/CARISSA PLUTA
In Dr. John Gottman’s research of marriages, he found four major problems between couples that often end up being the most destructive in a relationship. He called them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
PHOTOGRAPHY: EMMA DALLMAN PHOTOGRAPHY
If you’ve noticed any (or all of) these things in your marriage, don’t panic. It does not mean that you are inevitably heading for a divorce.
However, if they continue they could cause a lot of tension and pain between you and your spouse in the long-term.
Learning to recognize these negative or harmful behaviors can help you learn to counteract them and communicate more effectively.
Criticism
Criticism is usually one of the more common mistakes couples make in confronting a problem and usually includes phrases like “You always” or “you never.”
When you criticize your spouse, you make an attack on their character by implying (or implicitly saying) that something is wrong with them, which usually leads to your partner acting defensive.
However, it is important to voice your concerns and complaints in a relationship. Instead of focusing on what your spouse did wrong, try using “I” statements and express a positive need.
You may also want to pray for the virtue of patience in order to approach difficulties and disagreements with more understanding.
Contempt
Contempt is a more serious form of criticism, and aims at making the other person feel small and worthless.
Acts of contempt, like mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling, and sneering, wear down a couples’ fondness for one another.
If you find yourself focusing often on the negative aspects of your spouse, you may build up these negatives in your mind over time fueling contempt. So to combat this horseman, practice gratitude everyday and learn how to sincerely affirm your partner.
You may also want to take some time to pray with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 or consult a priest or counselor.
Defensiveness
When someone perceives an attack, he or she may respond with an attempt to defend themselves by making excuses or reversing the blame.
Not only will trying to shift the blame exacerbate the problem at hand, it will also communicate to your husband that you aren’t listening to him or taking his concerns seriously.
So to avoid defensiveness, practice humility and active listening with your spouse. Take responsibility for your actions when appropriate, and learn to make a sincere apology.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when a listener withdraws--physically or emotionally-- from the conversation.
It can result when one partner feels overwhelmed by the other three horsemen and it can make the other person feel rejected or abandoned.
Feeling overwhelmed during an argument or heated discussion can be a normal response and it is totally okay to take a quick time-out to collect your thoughts and to take a few deep breaths.
However, to avoid stonewalling, you must communicate your need for this to your husband. Make it clear that you aren’t rejecting him, but that you need that time to ultimately help solve the problem.
