Newlywed Life | Checking in with Honors
/KATE THIBODEAU
Every Sunday morning, my husband and I set aside time for a weekly check-in. We eat brunch, bring our coffee to the couch and sit. It’s a welcome ritual, a reprieve from the hustle and bustle of busy weeks and schedules.
PHOTOGRAPHY: KARLY JO PHOTOGRAPHY
We adopted this idea from a fellow couple, whose marriage is a bit more seasoned than our own. The point of the weekly check-in is to prioritize communication between the husband and wife in all areas (relationship, work, kids, faith, schedules, budget, etc). We use an agenda sheet to boot--which makes it quite official and structured!
Beginning this weekly check-in, we felt stilted and forced. It was great for practical uses and creating unity in our weekly schedules, however, we initially found asking the questions in our agenda to be awkward.
1. What are two ways your spouse honored you last week?
2. What two ways did you try to honor your spouse last week?
In our very first meeting, we stumbled over these questions. Who used the word “honor” in this way anymore? There’s something medieval--biblical--in it. Furthermore, what does honoring one another truly mean to the modern Catholic couple? How are we to honor our spouses? What does that look like in practice?
In a Catholic wedding Mass, the spouses vow to honor each other all the days of their lives. If you’re like me, you remember a blur of saying your vows on the altar; but while you promised yourself body and soul to your spouse, you did not take time to consider the meaning of “honoring” your spouse. I associated that word with something celestial. Maybe it meant placing your spouse above all worldly things, showing him the utmost respect and consideration. I had a vague understanding of the term, but an incomplete idea as to how that played out in the every day.
The first several weeks of our meetings, my husband and I would half-heartedly laugh as we repeated the words of the prompt: “I noticed that you honored me...” or, “I tried to honor you by….”
This particular phrase became a sort of joke when we went about our daily activities and showed love by begrudgingly doing a chore for the other: “I’m honoring you by taking out the trash tonight,” and,“I was going to complain about this (minor inconvenience), but I won’t to honor you.” These moments gave us many a chuckle, and were passed. Sometimes we brought them up at our meetings, but for the most part they remained a running joke.
After several weeks of stumbling through this ritual, I started to notice a difference in our meetings. Sharing was less awkward and formal, and we were beginning to learn more about each other. Vocalizing the moments we felt or showed honor was a window into the daily thoughts and actions of love we felt for each other, both mundane and extraordinary. Some Sundays I was surprised to hear the ways my husband chose to honor me, especially in actions that went unnoticed.
I was humbled and moved by his attention to my moods, my needs, my masked cries for help that past week. Some of the ways he honored me were simple, like picking up a pint of ice cream at the store (I usually noticed this), and some were more subtle and abstract, like listening to me vent when he could have used a turn at the mic himself.
We were able to name the little moments in which we actively chose to love and honor each other and recognize the ways in which we accepted this honor. This was more than a recognized pat on the back for ourselves: “I lived another day to out-honor my spouse”, but rather, a way to say: “I see you, I love you. I am trying to honor you. Help me to honor you better this week.”
Our personal love languages became more apparent and we were challenged to honor one another in ways that we truly desired to be loved and served, not just in ways that came most naturally to ourselves.
Similarly, our week-days apart and engaged in work became more devotedly invested in honoring each other. Maybe this would look simple, like preparing a favorite dish, or scrubbing a toilet after work, but the littleness of the action did not take away from the significance it held in our relationship.
I began to see my husband with a true servant’s heart, and I, in turn, wanted to honor him in a variety of different ways. I wanted to live each day of my week honoring him--and consequently, honoring the source and summit of our union: our Lord.
Additionally, our weekly meetings became more than an airing of grievances or a conference, but a vocalization of the ways in which we felt served, listened to, loved, suffered, and prayed for. We brought to light the struggles of our weeks and the victories and blessings that God gifted us. Our cups were filled by communicating not only the events of our weeks, but specifically where our family was headed and what particular areas were in need of work or healing.
Vowing to honor our spouses and living that out through our vocation is not always easy. It can be done in little or great actions. St. Therese is a great advocate for loving God in seemingly small or simple ways, and she serves as a model to us in our marriage
In honoring our spouses, we are actively choosing to see Christ in our beloved, and offering ourselves in service to them. Just as we should try to check-in with God through the sacraments, prayer, and adoration, it is imperative that we check-in with our spouses to see where they are and what help they need in their journey. Communication is as essential to marriage as honor is to God--and we hold them both dearly in this plight of vocation.
About the Author: Recently married to her best friend and partner towards salvation, Kate Thibodeau is learning how to best serve her vocation as a wife while using her God-given talents. Mama to heavenside baby, Charlotte Rose, and new Baby Lizzy, Kate has an English degree from Benedictine College, and strives to live the Benedictine motto: that in all things, God may be glorified. Kate loves literature, romance, teaching, wedding planning, and building a community of strong Catholic women.