Praying for Joy in our Poverty: Battling Desolation in Tough Seasons

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

I recently had a conversation with a friend on the fair division of labor in marriage. 

I had to keep from laughing as for the past five months my husband and I have been living long distance due to a career transition we've made. Our division of labor looks like me doing absolutely everything on the list of things the marriage gurus tell you that you should divide up. 

And for the previous year, we were in a completely unfeasible situation of my husband working multiple jobs so I could stay at home with the kids--including a fresh newborn. I did nearly every night time wake up with the baby and put all the kids to bed most nights on top of the normal tasks of cooking and cleaning.

If I wasn't armed with a sense of humor, it would be easy for my thoughts to turn sour every time I heard conventional marriage and child rearing advice for married couples in conventional circumstances. 

And sometimes my thoughts do turn sour. Once after hearing the oft-repeated advice for burnt-out moms to "ask for help," I wanted to scream. As if asking the question would make a fairy godmother appear who would lift my burdens.

Yet amidst all the non-applicable advice, an incredibly moving way I've heard to contend with extreme circumstances is to pray for "joy in our poverty."

Any kind of extremity, financial, emotional, physical and so on, is a type of poverty, a lack of something essential. So this prayer is a challenge to my automatic response to difficulty of simply gritting my teeth and soberly, rather than joyfully, enduring.

And surprise, surprise the prayer doesn't make me instantly joyful. I still battle crankiness and desolation on a daily basis. But it's a continual reminder to me that my marriage and my life is a gift.

Too often it feels as though marriage is a gift in the abstract. Of course the sacrament of marriage is a gift, but not today, not when I'm a thousand miles away from my husband and my children are all conspiring to push me to the outer limits of my sanity. God clearly meant it to be a gift and only meant me to experience joy when we're making memories and getting along.

But our God is a God who emptied Himself out and became a visible image of poverty on the Cross whence He made all joy possible.

And so this prayer, short and sweet as it is, grounds me in reality and reminds me that our difficulties are not incidental, but part of the life in which God has placed me and my family to become holy.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Witnessing to the Fidelity of God in Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

The Catechism contains a section in which each sacrament is reflected upon in detail - its significance in the life of faith, its place in God's plan for us, the meaning of its ritual, its spiritual effects in our souls. 

The article dedicated to the sacrament of Matrimony in particular, contains a portion which reflects on the nature of the kind of love that marriage asks of spouses - specifically the deep fidelity it demands. Nestled in there are a few paragraphs which I truly love. They begin like this:

The "intimate union of marriage, as a mutual giving of two persons…demand total fidelity from the spouses and require an unbreakable union between them. The deepest reason is found in the fidelity of God to his covenant, in that of Christ to his Church. Through the sacrament of Matrimony the spouses are enabled to represent this fidelity and witness to it. 

When I read that, every word feels like it rings with the authentic character of truth. 

Deep fidelity is demanded in marriage, and it bears profound witness to the kind of love that God offers - faithful, honest, personal, forever. 

An unbreakable and intimate union. That's the very reason fidelity is an essential character of marriage in the first place, as an echo of the divine love it symbolizes. That truth is so eloquently explained here. 

But it's actually the paragraph immediately following these that makes me love this section so much and feel a particular kind of gratitude for the bishops who made sure it was included. As you read on, you hear:

It can seem difficult, even impossible, to bind oneself for life to another human being. This makes it all the more important to proclaim the Good News that God loves us with a definitive and irrevocable love, that married couples share in this love, that it supports and sustains them, and that by their own faithfulness they can be witnesses to God's faithful love. Spouses who with God's grace give this witness, often in very difficult conditions, deserve the gratitude and support of the ecclesial community. 

This paragraph plants the divine reality of God's love which marriage images into the imperfect messiness of our fallen world. And it also reminds us that our imaging of God's divine love through marriage is not something that depends solely on our own capacity. It's not some kind of task the Lord places upon us in our vocation as a spouse to see how we measure up.

Choosing to love and serve another person for the rest of our earthly life, to faithfully place their needs above our own, is no small thing. It asks for all we are capable of and more, and that's what can make it at times seem impossible. Apart from grace, it really is. 

And that's the very reason, the Catechism reminds us, that it's so important for us to constantly proclaim to ourselves and others that we draw strength from God's love to live out our marital promises.

Because we can confidently trust that God's faithful love will be ever available, we do not have to fear that we will come up empty handed.

When we are weary and struggling, He can sustain us so that we can continue. Our fidelity can rest in His fidelity.

God, as the shepherds of His Church here remind us, does not wish for us to hide or dismiss our struggle. He wants us to bring it to Him so He can provide healing and restoration and renewal. We can be honest about how difficult the demands of marriage are because in that honesty we make space for God to provide.

Sometimes, I think, in our zeal to defend and witness to the greatness of this sacrament in a culture that misconstrues it greatly or perhaps has dismissed it entirely, we focus so deeply on how marriage is a reflection of the ever-faithful love of God that when we find ourselves experiencing how living that out can sometimes feel like an impossible task, it can seem like admitting to failure. 

We can be tempted to think that struggle within marriage is something we must hide or pretend does not exist if we wish to give the best witness. But that's a lot of pressure. And it can set us up to bear a great deal of shame and self-blame. 

What these statements in the Catechism remind us, is that when we do acknowledge our deep need for God to help us remain steadfast in marriage, far from failing as witnesses to marriage's goodness, we actually become more capable of witnessing to the faithful love it demands, showing how deeply we are bolstered up by God's grace.

If your marriage has ever felt difficult, even impossible, do not fear that you are failing.

You are not, and neither are you alone. You are spoken of in the very lines of the Catechism itself. And the bishops remind you here that you deserve to receive the gratitude and support of the ecclesial community, the whole Church family, because the kind of love marriage asks for is something beyond what we can offer in our humanness even at its best. 

The community of the Church should bolster us up in the midst of our challenges. God supports us in every step, but we have to do what we can to cast off the false and very unhelpful belief that admitting to struggle in our marital relationship makes us less effective witnesses to the goodness of this sacrament. 

Perhaps that effort can look like doing what we can to respond with compassion to the shortcomings we find in ourselves and our spouse, or availing ourselves of the graces and healing available especially through the sacraments of Confession and Communion, or even simply by beginning to pray that God would help us experience the reality of His faithfulness to us.

Far from failure, struggling in marriage allows space for God to supply that which we need, and becomes the way in which we reveal His love to the world.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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The Importance of Reading Good Literature as a Catholic Couple

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

Do you read stories together as a couple? 

Spiritual reading and self-help books have obvious benefits and can spur on fruitful conversations, but I find we often overlook the power of reading good literature. 

On one level, sharing a story aloud itself simply fosters intimacy. Reading aloud and listening require you to slow down and pay attention to another person's experience. 

But reading fiction also offers a dimension of exclusivity and playfulness--together you imaginatively enter into the lives of characters in worlds far removed from your own, and you return from that experience each time with a sense that you've shared a journey unique to the two of you.

Perhaps even more so than you'd find with marital self-help books, the emotional quality of great literature can reveal the drama of our own hearts. In worlds as distant as medieval Italy or Regency England or Middle-Earth, it's heartening to come across and live briefly and vicariously through characters who contend with the same kind of doubts and hopes that we have, and it's heartening too to witness your spouse experience those revelations.

As C.S. Lewis puts it, "in reading great literature I become a thousand men and yet remain myself. Like a night sky in the Greek poem, I see with a myriad of eyes, but it is still I who see. Here, as in worship, in love, in moral action, and in knowing, I transcend myself; and am never more myself than when I do."

Related: 4 Secular Novels Featuring Insights into Authentic Love + Catholic Marriage

Stories also enrich the intellectual life you share with your spouse. W.H. Auden once wrote of our difficulty in making sense of the human experience as a result of "our poverty of symbols." Reading great literature with your spouse allows you both to inherit the poets' expansive world of symbols and allusions with which to make greater sense of life together.

When my husband and I feel weighed down by family and work obligations, we tend to function a bit robotically with one another. It feels as though our shared imagination contracts and our common vision of the world becomes murkier. 

In these seasons, I find it far more tempting to just soak myself in blue light each night catching up on my latest TV binge or scrolling on endless bite-sized snapshots of other people's lives. But putting aside my phone and spending even fifteen minutes in the evening to read aloud to one another from great works of literature lifts our eyes out of our immediate circumstances to a bigger picture of the cosmos. 

We come back feeling connected with one another, relieved from some of the stress in our lives, and endowed with more perspective for our own small story in this world.

Looking for your next read-aloud book with your spouse? Check out Spoken Bride’s Recommended Reading Archives.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Smashing the Idol of Perfectionism in Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

Of the many ways that the vocation of marriage can shape and purify us, one I've found both fantastically difficult and incredibly freeing is the way in which it calls for the absolute demolition of the idols hidden within my heart, specifically perfectionism.

It makes those false gods obvious, laid bare in my experiences of disappointment or unmet expectation - I have to confront those experiences and ask myself honestly if they are reasonable reactions (we are fallen people that fail each other) or if they stem from casting my own vision of what my marriage and my spouse should look like, making that the most important thing.

In marriage, we walk alongside our spouse - entrusted to each other and in that union entrusted to God. Peace comes from knowing God resides there at our center, His grace present in the sacramental bond that tethers us. With His life-giving love to form our vision of what true love should look like lived out and through which to discern where we are headed, things make much more sense. We're more fully able to accept our spouse fully, loving that person deeply through seasons of growth and change and even struggle or failure. 

When we enthrone Christ in the center of our relationship, we can see Him in our spouse so much more clearly and remain focused on our call to love and honor our spouse always. 

But when we replace that with our own view of how we think things should be we can find ourselves trapped worshipping a false god of our own creation. We can get stuck striving for what we think a perfected marriage and life should look like, rather than what God has and continues to reveal to us.

It can be easier than I'd like to admit to dethrone God from the central place where He belongs within my marriage. To instead place my own image of perfection there and slip into caring primarily about creating the kind of life and relationship that will fulfill my personal desires and presumptions of what a holy and happy marriage or family should look like. But there's little space to live and breathe and love authentically there. We spend too much energy striving for something that God doesn’t ask of us, which will never satisfy.

The false idol of perfectionism in marriage will only fill our hearts with a spirit of comparison and the erroneous belief that once things look the way we think they should - once we fix this issue, or my spouse stops acting that way, or this life situation becomes easier - then we will finally have the happiness we desire. 

Sometimes in our longing for the perfect love for which we were created, we can craft mental images that seem good but really end up distorting our vision of the good that actually lies in front of us. And Satan loves to twist those well-intentioned desires into straight up idols that stand in the way of us receiving God's goodness, and instead breed resentment, dissatisfaction, and isolation. From there it becomes ever easier to fall into despair because it seems like things may never look as they "should." This lie can keep us trapped and self-serving if we don't see it for what it truly is.

Once we get stuck creating our own vision of perfection for our marriage, placing that above all else, our real life spouse and real life circumstances may never feel like enough. They may never meet the standard we create for them and even if they do, this is a false victory rooted in selfishness. It's concerned first with what I want, creating the life I think will make me happy in the way I envision. It will always end up falling short and ultimately opposing the kind of self-sacrificial love God invites us to live in this vocation.

Marriage invites us to fight against false idols together by becoming honest together. By facing the expectations and hopes we have, placing them in right order or casting them aside when we find them becoming the things we aim for instead of God Himself. 

If perfectionism creeps into our marriage, we should run to God and ask Him to show us our poverty, to help us remember that the goodness He created us for is greater than any temporal situation we can try to curate for ourselves. Place Him once again on the throne and smash those darn idols into dust so they don't stand in our way, blocking our view of the glorious life we actually have before us and the wonderful spouse we have chosen and the real moments of our day in which we can strive for holiness. 

Smashing idols, working again and again in our imperfection to enthrone God within our hearts so we can love each other well and strive after what will really fulfill us, that sounds better than anything I could imagine.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Discerning your Secondary Vocation

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

Do you have ideas of what your role as a wife in marriage should look like? 

PHOTOGRAPHY: Matthew Lomanno

PHOTOGRAPHY: Matthew Lomanno

I've never believed that all women's lives should look a certain way, but I certainly had ideas of what my day-to-day duties as a wife and mother would look like. I was surprised, then, to find God calling me more than once to relinquish my expectations and to realize that his daily calling for me within the life-long vocation of marriage was something that could change.

What helped me most was coming to a fuller understanding of the Catholic Church's beliefs about vocations. The Church sees vocation on three levels: the universal call to holiness, then the primary vocation, and lastly the secondary vocation. 

Through baptism every Christian is given the universal call to holiness. The primary vocation is an individual's calling to marriage, religious life, or consecrated single life. The secondary vocation more specifically makes up your day-to-day life: your job, the way you use your gifts and talents in service of God, the volunteer opportunities you pursue and so on.

The distinction between the three is important, because when we conflate them, we can get rigid and inaccurate ideas about how we should live. 

Too often it can be tempting to listen to loud voices declaring that a faithful Catholic wife stays at home with her children, homeschools, and makes home cooked meals from scratch. Or on the flipside, other voices cry out that if there is any desire in her heart for a dream outside of the home, then not following that desire is denying herself in an essential and unhealthy way.

Neither of these extremes are dogmatic, and when they are taken as such, they can cause needless anxiety. The reality, in my own life, has been far more nuanced. 

I have lived out the secondary vocation within my primary vocation of marriage in many different ways.

I've worked both full-time and part-time outside the home. I've stayed home full time, and I've worked from home. I've sent my kids to daycare, and I've also spent every minute of the day with them. I've recently begun homeschooling my oldest, but perhaps some day I'll send him and his siblings to a brick and mortar school.

I've worked in jobs that did not suit my charisms at all (looking at you, customer service). And I've lived through seasons where the day-to-day tasks that comprise my secondary vocation have been far more fitting for my gifts: lecturing on literature or reading aloud to a preschooler.

And in all seasons there has been sacrifice. In all seasons, my husband and I have had to ask ourselves if the way we've structured our lives is contributing to peace in us as individuals and in our family as a whole, and if not, if there is something we can change to better serve one another.

The longer I've been married, the more I've realized how impermanent the circumstances of day-to-day life can be and how crucial it is to be attentive to the voice of the Holy Spirit in order to not become too attached to the kind of life we've built or the one we desire. 

Related: Exercising Discernment Through Seasons of Life

I've learned that, while it's ideal for our daily work to align with our particular charisms, there are seasons where, for the good of our family, we may have to sacrifice the work we want for the work we must do.

How, then, do you become adept at discerning your secondary vocation? I'm still learning, but here are a few things that have helped me:

Learn from the wisdom of others

Take advantage of the wisdom shared by those who have walked with many people through the same decisions you have to make. Reading a book like What's Your Decision: An Ignatian Approach to Decision Making or Jacques Phillipe's In the School of the Holy Spirit has been particularly helpful for me.

Talk to your spouse

Having regular, honest conversations with your spouse are crucial. It's so easy to go on auto-pilot under the duress of work and family life, that we can fail to see our spouse drowning or vice versa.

Make prayer a priority

We cannot listen to the noise of Catholic media personalities more than the time we spend with God Himself and expect to have clarity in our lives. Spend time with Christ in Adoration, meditate upon His Word, contemplate the mysteries of His life in the Rosary. The goal of this life, the one our secondary vocation should be directed towards, is ultimately to share in God's divine life for all eternity. We cannot do this if we do not know Him.

Discernment doesn't end once we've said "I do" and slipped the ring on our beloved's finger. It never ends, because conversion never ends. 

Understanding God's individual call to us for how we must live out our daily lives is something we must engage in constantly, individually and as a couple.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Marriage: A Sacrament of Healing

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ADELAE ZAMBON

 

We most often hear Marriage categorized as a “sacrament of service” or a “sacrament of communion.” 

Yet, as my husband and I have discovered being united by this sacrament, the Lord desires for it to be one of healing too.

I remember the first time I let my husband see the rawness of my heart. We were engaged and our wedding day was drawing near. As we prepared our hearts and souls to be united and made one, we felt the Lord drawing us closer and closer in emotional and spiritual intimacy.

I could feel the internal tug of war; the way the narratives written by my trauma and past mistakes tried to take the lead on writing the new story between us. I could see the lies and inner vows vying for the driver’s seat. At times, our hearts were a battle ground.

I knew there were parts of my story that I needed to bring to the light in order for him to fully make a free choice and for me to believe I was truly being received for all the past mistakes and imperfections I might carry.

By rivers of tears, stories were shared. Hours passed and he only embraced me stronger and loved me harder. He didn’t shy away or shun me. He declared words of dignity and love over my wounds. He spoke clarity into the confusion and truth over my identity that dispersed the shame. I was undone in the most beautifully healing, humbling, and convicting way.

In those moments of revealing my heart, the light of His love was freeing. You see, Satan loves to operate in darkness. He wants you to remain shrouded there, but Love is the Light that breaks through and reveals truth, beauty and dignity. And the Lord uses marriage as a vessel of such light as it is the place of His love.

Our wounds are our places of greatest vulnerability. There, we are most susceptible to believe and take agreement with lies about our identity that are whispered to us by the evil one. In his book Be Healed: A Guide to Encountering the Powerful Love of Jesus in Your Life, Dr. Bob Schuchts writes that these identity lies and beliefs “shape the way we see ourselves and become filters through which we view life in all its many aspects.”

Though, continues Schuchts, “we may believe with our intellects that we are God’s beloved children. . .our hearts believe a different message.” Out of a wound, inner vows can be made as well. 

These are conscious or unconscious decisions that we make to keep ourselves safe in the midst of present suffering, or in recalling past pain. They serve as protective mechanisms to avoid further hurt and affect how we see and relate to God, ourselves, others and the world around us. Often, they become barriers around our heart, impacting our closest relationships.

When you feel a block, an obstacle or find yourself “triggered,” you may have come into contact with the safety net you’ve cast around your heart. Unfortunately, this mode of “safety” also serves as a blockade from true intimacy with our spouse and our God.

Fear not, though-- that which could cause the greatest division can also act as the conduit to the deepest intimacy!

When you feel a catch in your heart, a moment’s mistrust of the other - ask yourself, why?

Could it be that you have been activated by a word, action, or mannerism of your beloved that is causing your mind, body or heart to recall a hurt in your past? Here, the Lord draws attention and invites us into healing. Here is where He draws us close to true safety.

These are times to pause, reflect and pray. Take some time to take inventory of what takes place within your heart during these moments. Invite your spouse into the conversation. Then, together, take it to prayer.

Perhaps try these steps to explore how the Lord wants to use the situation to usher in healing for you and greater unity for your marriage:


Step 1

In times of confusion, miscommunication, hurt, division: examine the narratives running through your head: What do you see in your mind’s eye? Are there memories surfacing? Are you reliving a past event?

What are you hearing? Are there any lies or inner vows about yourself, your partner, God, the world? Does it go against the truth of your identity as a Daughter of the King of Kings? Does it go against the nature of God? What are you feeling? Is there a spirit of fear or anxiety?

Remember, the voice of God breathes peace. His word is not condemning, nor does it cause fear, restlessness, unease or anxiety.

Step 2

Write down any lies/inner vows/fears/doubts in a list on the left side of a sheet of paper.

Step 3

Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the truth, the antidotes to the lies/inner vows/fears/doubts, etc. List them on the right side of paper, opposite to its respective lie, vow, etc.

Step 4

Take these to prayer with your spouse. The spousal office holds power and the intercession for your beloved has a profound role in our healing. 

Intercessory prayer allows spouses to live out their call to support their beloved’s intimacy with the Divine, helping the other grow closer to the Lord and walking him/her to Heaven.

Pray: Renounce each individual lie/fear/inner vow: In the Name of Jesus, I renounce_________. Lord, please break the power of it over me right now. In its place, please fill me with [insert the antidote truth you listed to the right of this lie or fear or inner vow].

Repeat with each lie/fear/inner vow/doubt, etc.

Step 5

Close by entrusting your prayer for healing and freedom to Our Lady Undoer of Knots with a “Hail Mary.”

You can come back to your litany of truths on this sheet over and over again when you need to be armed against the lies. And if you find yourself afflicted by the same lies and inner vows continually, you may consider counseling to help you address the root of the wound behind them.

The Lord uses our vocation of marriage to sanctify us, to make us holy, to make us WHOLE as is God’s design for us. It forms us for the complete wholeness and fulfillment of Heaven. Sacraments bestow grace upon us that we need to make the journey to Heaven. 

Through marriage, God readies His bride (you) through the bridegroom He has given you (your husband), who is a channel of His love for you here on Earth as you are prepared for your Heavenly Bridegroom, Jesus Christ.

Let’s be saints, perfected through our imperfections and healed by Love.

More helpful resources for exploring healing that will manifoldly bless your life and relationships:

Be Healed by Dr. Bob Schuchts

Created for Connection by Sue Johnson

Unbound by Neal Lozano

“Restore the Glory” Podcast with Dr. Bob Schuchts & Jake Khym, MA

About the Author: Adelae Zambon is a “transplant Texan,” who met and married a Canadian singer-songwriter. Together they share a love for ministry and journeying with other couples into the healing, redemptive power of the Sacrament of Marriage. In her spare time, Adelae enjoys road trips punctuated by local coffee shop stops along the way. However, she will most often be found chasing a delightfully inquisitive toddler or savoring every moment of naptime for the space it offers her to write.

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Make Time for What Matters | Tips for Setting Priorities as a Family

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

Here's what I expected marriage to look like: a home full of beauty and order, a daily shared prayer life, involvement in ministries at our parish, evenings spent reading great literature together, and setting deep roots in our local community of family and friends.

Here's what I did not expect: evenings spent consuming tv shows, weeks or months sometimes between seeing friends, parish hopping on Sundays because we're running late...again, a home full of clutter and chaos, a an inconsistent shared prayer life (and, truth be told, an inconsistent private prayer life).

While the highlights reel of social media might give the idea that we're living out the first vision I had for our marriage, we far too often fall into the second picture.

Why, when my husband and I both highly value faith, community, beauty, and art, don't we always live like we want to?

The values that we share with our spouses are ultimately what propel us into marriage and fuel our desire to grow a family and a life together. But if we don’t couple those values with reflection and practical resolutions, they will never take root to ground our marriages. They will recede into the background as ideals we once hoped for and dream that perhaps someday we'll incorporate into our lives.

When I got married, I kept waiting for such things as our prayer life and our involvement in our community to spontaneously take off. Now after seven years of marriage, I know that if we don't set aside time to discuss what is important to us and make a plan to prioritize those things, we'll live a reactive life dictated by whatever is stressing us out and whatever is most convenient.

There are many ways both casual and more formal to have these discussions and make these kinds of resolutions. Here are some ideas for getting started:

Write a Family Mission Statement

A family mission statement is a description of who you are and what direction you want to go in. It doesn't have to be lengthy but if the effort is thoughtful, a family mission statement will be a constant reminder of those values you want informing your family life. 

Read more: Finding your Family's Mission

Create a Family Rule 

Creating a rule of life seems to have taken off in popularity lately, but the practice has its origins in early Christian monastic communities, and the clarity it brings makes it a worthwhile practice for all Christians. A family rule is more elaborate than a family mission statement as the first succinctly sums up your identity as a family, while the latter gets into the details of how you will live out your goals and values.

Read more: What Married Couples Can Learn from the Rhythms of Religious Communities

Read formational books

Check out books such as Patrick Lencioni's Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family and Steven Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families. These books give families the resources to stop living reactively and start living purposefully.

Whatever your family values include--good conversation, traveling, gardening, music, nature, athletics, board games--building a family culture around those values is only possible to the extent that we intentionally plan for it.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Restoration of the Broken

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

At our wedding reception, my husband and I had a large antique image of the Sacred Heart on display. 

It had been hand painted by a religious sister ages ago, and even with its weather-worn white frame and missing chips of paint, it was glorious. One of my very favorite things. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBEY REZ PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBEY REZ PHOTOGRAPHY

Having it at our reception made it all the more meaningful, because now I could keep the memory of glancing over and seeing it on its little side table as we danced throughout the night tucked in my mind forever. 

I always hoped it would be a piece of art that we'd have in our future home in a special place. I imagined it hung up on a prominent wall for years to come, a treasured heirloom, an image that could easily bring me back to the real meaning of things (love, and above all the love of God poured out for us through Christ). 

I imagined all this with such excited hope, but I never anticipated this simple painted piece had something to teach me about healing and restoration.

Since that night at our wedding reception, the painting has in fact held a place of importance in our home. It hung first on the wall of our two-bedroom apartment, just above the space where we liked to keep our prayer books and rosaries, next to the coziest chair we owned. Beautiful as it had always been. That is, until one evening, when for no other discernible reason except for the fact that the hook on which it was strung could no longer bear its weight, it fell. 

As it hit onto our carpeted floor, which didn't do much to cushion the blow, massive shards of glass splayed out everywhere. It was shocking. The sudden crash, the devastating realization of what had just happened. I think I may have instantly started crying. My husband, in his usual calm and easy-going way, looked onto the scene and promised that he was sure things could be fixed. I wasn't so convinced. 

With hot, tear stained cheeks I collected the broken pieces, certain that it was ruined. One of my favorite things about the piece, what made it so unique, was also what made it so obviously and utterly destroyed. The painting itself was layered with parts both on top of the glass and on the paper behind it, with the heart of Jesus painted right on the broken pieces I now held in both hands.

Over the course of the next week, my husband researched how he could best mend and repair it. He found special glue and gradually refastened each piece back into place, somehow managing to make them all fit again and seal together. It took serious time and care. Sometimes he would just stand there completely still for what seemed like ages, holding one piece in just the right place as the glue dried. 

All the while, I sat in despair - feeling like even his best attempts could never really make it anything comparable to what it once was. There was no way the giant fractures in the glass wouldn't be glaringly obvious, even if he did manage to get it back into a single piece that would fit again into its historic frame.

If I'm being honest, I've had feelings like that about moments in my marriage that have nothing to do with a prized piece of vintage art.

There have been disagreements, arguments, and moments of serious selfishness and pride. Times when my tendency towards self-protection has motivated me above my desire for self-gift, and I have hurt my husband or he has hurt me by making those same kinds of choices. 

In the heat of the moment, or the hurt that can come after, it can be easy to believe things are broken beyond repair. Disillusionment can make you believe that the kind of love marriage asks of us is more than we are capable of and we cannot bear the weight. There is a little truth there, but not its fullness. Because the immense concern of God is present to us in these places of our own weakness, and in them He can be our strength.

When situations that cause brokenness and rupture in our relationship occur, we are invited into a process of restoration that ultimately has the capacity to create something much greater than what existed before. 

That restoration takes intentionality and patience. It involves real communication about areas of hurt - actual conversations in which responsibility is taken and forgiveness can be offered. It requires humility, which can be so difficult to choose, especially if we know we have wronged the one we love or if we feel hurt by them. But this is exactly where we can ask for the grace of God to strengthen us. 

It is the working of His Holy Spirit in us that empowers us to choose humility when we do in fact manage to choose it. It is He who convicts us to apologize and work to mend and learn altogether better ways to love each other. 

The longer I'm married, the more I'm coming to believe that the grace of this sacrament is most actively at work healing the places in my heart where woundedness still rules me - the rough and shattered ones - so that I can more freely love my spouse and receive his love in return.

In the end, my husband managed to completely reassemble the broken painting. It hangs once again, now on a wall just beside the fireplace in our current home. And it is glorious. I love it even more than I did before. 

And that's not despite the glue fastened edges that are still a little obvious as you look upon it - but it's because of those broken pieces, fixed with such attention and care. 

More than just a beautiful religious icon to keep in our home for years to come as I always hoped it would be, it has become a symbol of love. A symbol of the fact that broken things can always be restored. 

And through restoration comes a glory greater than what was possible before. That's kind of the entire point of marriage, in a way. That's kind of the entire reason Divine Love was willing to be poured out through that fully human heart of Christ too.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Living Courageously in Your Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

"'Have courage' we often say to one another. Courage is a spiritual virtue. The word courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means "heart." A courageous act is an act coming from the heart." - Henri Nouwen

PHOTOGRAPHY: AN ENDLESS PURSUIT

PHOTOGRAPHY: AN ENDLESS PURSUIT

Those few sentences, nestled quietly within a reflection I recently found, felt monumental to read. They have entirely upended what I thought I knew about being courageous. They made it obvious to me with such clarity and swiftness that courage has a lot more to do with authenticity and perhaps much less to do with interior resolve than I had previously taken it to. This new consideration of the nature of courage has been both freeing and challenging, especially in what it means for marriage.

Marriage demands a lot of courage.

I would have told you that long before Henri Nouwen's words unveiled what that meant in such a radically new way for me. Before, I mostly understood courage to look a lot like strength. An image of myself ready to brace up against whatever was to come against me, with the resolve to hold my shield at attention for as long as it took to weather it. That was courage.

But here, Henri seemed to be describing exactly the opposite. An image of myself in a posture of much greater risk. Hands open, vulnerable, heart exposed and leading the way. Nothing to hide and no focus on self-protection. That's a much different way of imagining what this spiritual and moral virtue looks like lived out. But I think it's a more honest one. 

Marriage does demand courage, but it's because any good marriage demands really living from the heart.

It is important to be understand our 'heart' in this context as more than just the place of our emotions. Henri speaks of it as the center of who we are at the core of our being. "The center of all thoughts, feelings, passions, and decisions."

For a marriage to be rich in this virtue, what really matters is honesty. There is no place for a lack of authenticity in what is meant to be the most intimate of our relationships. 

If I dare to hope for my marriage to be truly courageous in the way that Henri describes, I need to be willing to bring my whole self to my spouse. I must dare to be fully seen for who I am. 

Practically, I must bring honesty and openness to our conversations. I must work to share my thoughts, feelings, and passions, and work to make decisions together in light of them all. I can't try to self-protect and shield myself to avoid the risk of being misunderstood or feeling rejected by my spouse.

That false image of strength can never serve me here. And it couldn't be further from the kind of humility and trust required in these moments. 

It can be easy to communicate well when our thoughts, feelings, and passions feel aligned with our spouses'. But courage asks for such honesty at all times, even when it's most difficult.

And doing just that is how we gain the very virtue we are longing for. In the language of faith, different kinds of virtues are described and understood in different ways. Moral Virtues, of which courage (sometimes called fortitude) is one, differ from Theological Virtues chiefly in the manner through which they can grow within us. The Moral Virtues are “acquired by education, by deliberate acts and by a perseverance ever-renewed in repeated efforts" and of course, aided by God's grace.”

This means that it is in those sacred and vulnerable places, during all those repeated efforts we make together to live from the heart, that we will grow and the fruit of this virtue will become clear. We will have a greater ability to "conquer fear, even fear of death, and to face trials and persecutions." Our acts of authentic courage within marriage can gift us greater confidence in the face of all things. This is certainly what God wants for us.

I used to think that courage looked a lot like being willing to fight - to defend and protect and shield. And I suppose there is some truth in that. But in marriage that work becomes shared, and so it changes shape entirely. The only way to defend and protect the relationship is through honesty and vulnerability with each other.

And so the challenge becomes - will I act from the heart? Will I dare to live my marriage courageously?

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Don't Take Your Spouse for Granted | Practical Tips for a Healthy Marriage

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

A couple years ago I was talking with a woman who had a beautiful marriage and had raised a large brood of wonderful children. And I was like, "Okay, tell me the secret formula. Tell me the tips. Tell me the list of marriage and parenting books for success."

And she just laughed and said the fact I desired to have a good marriage and raise good children was a sign I was going in the right direction. I think my interior response was something like, "No really, I know you've got a ten-step program to holy married life tucked up your sleeve. Spill the beans, lady."

But she did say something that both surprised and helped me: never consider yourselves past the possibility of divorce. In other words, never take your marriage for granted. When stated in the latter terms, it sounds like clichéd marriage advice. When stated in the former terms, it's startling and perhaps affronts our Catholic sensibilities. After all, for devout couples who entered their marriages seriously, fully assenting to its character as an inviolable sacrament, the possibility of divorce seems absurdly far-fetched.

But around this same time, I heard another friend, who had been married a few years longer than us, say that she knew couples, faithful Catholic couples whose weddings she had been a bridesmaid in, who were now getting divorced. And that also startled me.

This is not to say that divorce is never the answer. The church, in her wisdom, allows it in such cases as abuse out of respect for the dignity of the victim. But in otherwise healthy marriages, it can be easy, I think, to consider your marriage too holy to be impervious to the wear and tear of sin and then to find you've slipped into a vipers' nest of presumption and resentment.

So how can we, practically speaking, not take our marriages for granted?

Pray together. 

Not as a vague resolution but as a scheduled thing. The morning office or even just a morning offering. A daily or weekly examen. Spending ten or fifteen minutes reading Scripture or another spiritual work together and discussing. Any one of these can be a fruitful way of knowing what's on your spouse's heart.

Pray for each other. 

When I remember, I like to say the noon Angelus for my husband because it's right at the height of the workday and I especially like novenas because they can be like tiny pilgrimages you undertake for someone. There are also many days when I say very short prayers and make small sacrifices for my husband's sake. As a result, I feel more closely united to him and am far more likely to have a tender-hearted response over the irksome things that are simply part of doing life with another person.

Read more: Creative Ways to Pray for your Spouse

Be attentive to their needs

Ask your spouse, "How can I help you today?" When my husband asks me this, I often find it's the question itself and not even the act of service that lightens my emotional load, because it shows the interest he takes in me and my daily life.

Avoid shaming. 

Shame is such an immobilizing force. When do we ever elicit kindness from someone when we heap blame on their head? When do we ever feel light enough to pick ourselves up and do good when we're mired in the heaviness of shame. A sense of humor and a sense of reality--we're all human, we all fail--fosters the peace and openness needed in marriage.

Seek counsel.

Go to marriage counseling or to spiritual direction. I know of a couple, whose marriage is ostensibly not in crisis mode, yet who go to regular counseling as "marriage insurance." Brilliant.

In my pre-married life, I imagined marriage as a kind of promised land of easy peace and fulfillment. But marriage is an invitation to a continual process of conversion which, while hard, is also infinitely more beautiful than a life free of demands. If we cooperate with God, we will be changed and stripped of our idols, thus becoming Christ-bearers to those within and beyond the walls of our homes.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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What Can You & Your Beloved Do to Support Each Other's Dreams?

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

“But where will you find the time?” he asked. I fought the urge to roll my eyes, again, my brain already whirring through potential comebacks.

As often as I’ve wished my husband and I had a brag-worthy, Insta-perfect habit of wholeheartedly supporting one another’s dreams, the truth is that I’m an idealist and he’s a realist (and of course, the truth is that I know our life could never be completely reflected in a single caption or image on social media). We dream very differently.

Have you and your beloved discussed your dreaming styles before? Early on in our relationship, I’d literally tell my husband one of my wildest dreams (usually, for me, related to hobbies, travel, or home projects), expecting a shared sense of excitement and purpose. Instead, these revelations would frequently be met with a series of questions that brought my imaginings crashing back to earth. I’d ask him about one of his own future goals or ideas, and would hear in his words the sense of hesitation and doubt. 

It’s been revelatory to encounter the ways our individual temperaments and upbringings have shaped our differing attitudes towards goal-setting, risk, and aspiration. These differences used to cause a great deal of hurt and misunderstanding, yet time has helped us recognize each of our habits, desires, and areas for growth when we talk about our dreams.

If you and your beloved, like us, have different balances of idealism and practicality, here are the questions and discussion points that have helped my husband and I grow in understanding and support for one another’s hopes and ideas.

Related: What do you want your home and family life to look like? What mission are you called to as a couple? How can you refresh yourselves after stressful seasons? Dream together with Spoken Bride’s Family Culture Workbook and Relationship Reset Guide.


State the end goal of your conversation.

Vulnerability expert Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind,” meaning conversations go most smoothly when each person communicates their needs, intentions, and expectations without vague language or avoidance. She frequently relates this concept to leadership, yet it’s been transformative in my marriage, as well, fostering an ever-deepening sense of understanding, empathy, and union between usI.

It’s been a particularly fruitful concept in this area of talking about our dreams. We (usually I) used to just dive into a conversation about my ideas, beginning with “Wouldn’t it be so great one day to…,” which frequently led to dampened enthusiasm or discouragement. Now, when sharing a dream, my husband and I both try to clearly state the context and goal of the conversation at the outset--that is, we’ll say whether we’re looking for specific advice and actionable steps related to an idea, or if we’re simply daydreaming and thinking aloud. Clear is kind!

Do you have a specific time frame in mind?

Some dreams, like my husband’s hope of getting his band’s music on college radio, have a sense of urgency and a deadline in mind; within one year, for example. Other dreams, like my longtime desire to take our children to Disney World once they’re old enough, are more of a distant-future idea that don’t make sense to concretely plan for just yet.

Discussing whether our dreams are short-term or long-term, time-sensitive or flexible, gets my husband and I on the same page, and leads to the next question addressed here:

What concrete matters should we address to make this dream a reality?

Personally, I love the thrill of possibility and don’t struggle to dream without the constraints of material or practical concerns. My husband, on the other hand, considers limitations before giving himself permission to really enter into an idea and consider how it might take shape. By identifying the concrete matters involved in a given undertaking, we’ve become better able to embrace the tension of ideal versus reality, and to feel the empowerment of a roadmap and to-do list.

So when one of us is ready to really dive into a dream, we benefit from listing the resources and steps that will help us get there. Consider what amounts of your time, finances, education, and materials you’re willing to invest (individually and as a couple), and write them down or set a date to commit to these investments. 

How will I support you, and how will we pick up any slack in our home and family life?

My husband started a graduate program, after much discernment and steps forward in trust--the year our first child was born. Though the constant work, low pay, and long hours on campus were hardly a dream come true, we both felt the peace and confidence of knowing this path was where the Lord had led us, and that the end goal would be the true fulfillment. It took so many conversations about distinguishing work time and family time and about household responsibilities before we felt in a rhythm with what his program would require of us both. The excitement of what teaching and study opportunities the degree would open up helped motivate the both of us to stay the course.

The summer I set out to write a book manuscript, my husband took over the at-home parenting duties, taking on the bulk of tending to our kids, cooking, and chores that I typically do when he’s at work during the school year. Flexibility with role reversal, and a spirit of service and sacrifice, made it relatively easy to act as true helpmates after identifying the areas of our life where we’d need to step in for each other.

Like any other area of our relationship, the act of supporting one another’s dreams has been learned; a work in progress. In this progress, I can now look back--and ahead, as we continue to dream--and see the ways each of our natures complements the other.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Marriage as a School of Love: How our Vocations Educate and Enlighten

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

What does it mean that marriage is a school of love? 

When I was engaged the phrase seemed lovely and poetic but vague to me. Maybe it was also my allergy to well-meaning but grave voices warning me that marriage was "hard work" that made me gloss over this term, "school of love." 

As far as I was concerned, my fiancé was easy to love and so I assumed that marriage would be a school in the sense that my favorite subjects growing up were part of school--delightful and easy to pass.

Lo and behold, marriage actually is hard work, but rather than the drudgery those well-meaning voices made me envision, when we've integrated our hearts and minds with God's will, the work of marriage is enlivening. It's only until I was in the thick of marriage experiencing this kind of formative work that the term "school of love" took on substance and became a valuable framework for my vocation.

The following list outlines some aspects I've found helpful in thinking of my vocation in the language of education:

Everything is formation

Marriage and everything within it is not linear. You don't always progress nicely in peace and virtue and happiness. 

I expected the sweetness of babies but not the accompanying anxiety, the hilarity of toddlers but not the defeating frustration. I had no conception of how fraught decisions concerning careers or family size would be. 

And I never expected God would wrench away and destroy my ideas of what kind of wife and mother I would be and then simply ask me to love my children, love my spouse, and love Him more than my dreams of self. 

But the periods of difficulty and the questions that have no easy answers are all meant to form me. As I stumble along struggling and feeling irritated or even desolate, I'm given, often unwittingly, the grace to grow in patience, fortitude, and trust.

Humility is a prerequisite for learning

When I taught literature I would urge my students to divest themselves of their assumptions about a work before we read it. There's no room for learning if you've already made up your mind one way or another. 

The same goes for marriage. 

There's no real end to how much you can learn about, understand, or love another person. So I've found it to be a best practice to approach the people God has given me in the gift of this vocation with a generous dose of gratitude and at all times to be willing to have my presuppositions upended and to grow in directions I never expected.

A good teacher can make all the difference

Over the years, my marriage mentors have included other married friends, spiritual writers, confessors, and a slew of incisive novelists. 

There's nothing like someone sharing with you that they've been where you are and have lived through whatever hard thing you're going through. There's nothing like the wisdom of someone who has a strong understanding of human nature, can look at your life with an objective eye, and can lend practical advice. 

This is perhaps the one bit of advice I reuse most frequently for friends who are getting married or starting families--find good mentors.

You are both a student and a teacher

This notion struck me fresh as I sat in line for confession glancing over the examination of conscience handout one day. Down the list I read the question: Have I neglected the intellectual and spiritual needs of my spouse and children? 

Of course it's obvious to me that I'm supposed to be a student in this school of love, and I am aware that my husband and I are the primary teachers of our children. But something about the wording of that line imbued with extra heft the imperative to foster intellectual and spiritual growth in our home. 

Moreover, it made me realize how interconnected the learning is. The more I learn to become an instrument in God's hands and the more I learn to see my spouse and children as God does, the better I can identify and attend to their spiritual and intellectual needs.

There's a line from Cormac McCarthy's novel All the Pretty Horses that comes back to me each time I see someone get married: "It was good that God kept the truths of life from the young as they were starting out or else they'd have no heart to start at all." That sounds dismal, but there's a truth to it. 

Seven years ago, if I could have peered into my life now I would have trembled over all the lack of sleep and difficult decisions waiting for us. I imagine if I could peer into my life seven years hence I might tremble all the more for whatever lies in wait. 

But as one of my wise married friends says: "there's no grace for hypothetical situations." It's only because of the grace we've received and the formation we've undergone through these years in this school of love that makes it possible to say yes to what we are asked in this present moment and whatever will be asked of us for the rest of our lives.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Newlywed Life | Checking in with Honors

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KATE THIBODEAU

 

Every Sunday morning, my husband and I set aside time for a weekly check-in. We eat brunch, bring our coffee to the couch and sit. It’s a welcome ritual, a reprieve from the hustle and bustle of busy weeks and schedules.

PHOTOGRAPHY: KARLY JO PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: KARLY JO PHOTOGRAPHY

We adopted this idea from a fellow couple, whose marriage is a bit more seasoned than our own. The point of the weekly check-in is to prioritize communication between the husband and wife in all areas (relationship, work, kids, faith, schedules, budget, etc). We use an agenda sheet to boot--which makes it quite official and structured!

Beginning this weekly check-in, we felt stilted and forced. It was great for practical uses and creating unity in our weekly schedules, however, we initially found asking the questions in our agenda to be awkward. 

1. What are two ways your spouse honored you last week?

2. What two ways did you try to honor your spouse last week? 

In our very first meeting, we stumbled over these questions. Who used the word “honor” in this way anymore? There’s something medieval--biblical--in it. Furthermore, what does honoring one another  truly mean to the modern Catholic couple? How are we to honor our spouses? What does that look like in practice? 

In a Catholic wedding Mass, the spouses vow to honor each other all the days of their lives. If you’re like me, you remember a blur of saying your vows on the altar; but while you promised yourself body and soul to your spouse, you did not take time to consider the meaning of “honoring” your spouse. I associated that word with something celestial. Maybe it meant placing your spouse above all worldly things, showing him the utmost respect and consideration. I had a vague understanding of the term, but an incomplete idea as to how that played out in the every day. 

The first several weeks of our meetings, my husband and I would half-heartedly laugh as we repeated the words of the prompt: “I noticed that you honored me...” or, “I tried to honor you by….”

This particular phrase became a sort of joke when we went about our daily activities and showed love by begrudgingly doing a chore for the other: “I’m honoring you by taking out the trash tonight,” and,“I was going to complain about this (minor inconvenience), but I won’t to honor you.” These moments gave us many a chuckle, and were passed. Sometimes we brought them up at our meetings, but for the most part they remained a running joke.

After several weeks of stumbling through  this ritual, I started to notice a difference in our meetings. Sharing was less awkward and formal, and we were beginning to learn more about each other. Vocalizing the moments we felt or showed honor was a window into the daily thoughts and actions of love we felt for each other, both mundane and extraordinary. Some Sundays I was surprised to hear the ways my husband chose to honor me, especially in actions that went unnoticed.

I was humbled and moved by his attention to my moods, my needs, my masked cries for help that past week. Some of the ways he honored me were simple, like picking up a pint of ice cream at the store (I usually noticed this), and some were more subtle and abstract, like listening to me vent when he could have used a turn at the mic himself.

We were able to name the little moments in which we actively chose to love and honor each other and recognize the ways in which we accepted this honor. This was more than a recognized pat on the back for ourselves: “I lived another day to out-honor my spouse”, but rather, a way to say: “I see you, I love you. I am trying to honor you. Help me to honor you better this week.”

Our personal love languages became more apparent and we were challenged to honor one another in ways that we truly desired to be loved and served, not just in ways that came most naturally to ourselves.

Similarly, our week-days apart and engaged in work became more devotedly invested in honoring each other. Maybe this would look simple, like preparing a favorite dish, or scrubbing a toilet after work, but the littleness of the action did not take away from the significance it held in our relationship.

I began to see my husband with a true servant’s heart, and I, in turn, wanted to honor him in a variety of different ways. I wanted to live each day of my week honoring him--and consequently, honoring the source and summit of our union: our Lord.

Additionally, our weekly meetings became more than an airing of grievances or a conference, but a vocalization of the ways in which we felt served, listened to, loved, suffered, and prayed for. We brought to light the struggles of our weeks and the victories and blessings that God gifted us. Our cups were filled by communicating not only the events of our weeks, but specifically where our family was headed and what particular areas were in need of work or healing.

Vowing to honor our spouses and living that out through our vocation is not always easy. It can be done in little or great actions. St. Therese is a great advocate for loving God in seemingly small or simple ways, and she serves as a model to us in our marriage

In honoring our spouses, we are actively choosing to see Christ in our beloved, and offering ourselves in service to them. Just as we should try to check-in with God through the sacraments, prayer, and adoration, it is imperative that we check-in with our spouses to see where they are and what help they need in their journey. Communication is as essential to marriage as honor is to God--and we hold them both dearly in this plight of vocation.

About the Author: Recently married to her best friend and partner towards salvation, Kate Thibodeau is learning how to best serve her vocation as a wife while using her God-given talents. Mama to heavenside baby, Charlotte Rose, and new Baby Lizzy, Kate has an English degree from Benedictine College, and strives to live the Benedictine motto: that in all things, God may be glorified. Kate loves literature, romance, teaching, wedding planning, and building a community of strong Catholic women.

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Reflecting on Our Engaged Encounter Weekend, Five Years Later

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GENEVIEVE ALLEN

 

Recently, on a sunny pandemic afternoon, my husband Dalton and I pulled out our old workbooks from our Engaged Encounter weekend and read them in our backyard while our kids played outside. Five years before, we had written in these books, completely unaware of what marriage would actually look like in practice. It was sweet and sobering--and often hilarious--to read our responses to the prompts, as young and inexperienced as we were. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: FENIX PDE

PHOTOGRAPHY: FENIX PDE

To give you some context, our Engaged Encounter weekend took place over three days at a retreat house in Baton Rouge. There were cafeteria lunches, camp beds, and awkward conversations with fellow engaged couples. Three married couples and a priest presided over the activities. Most of the day was structured to be similar to a classroom-style setting, with our instructors telling us personal stories about different topics, such as budgeting, newlywed life, NFP and child-rearing. We would then have “breakout sessions” with our future spouses, in which we would discuss these topics on a personal level.

As you might imagine, the whole weekend was really designed to offer as much as we as a couple were willing to put into it. Dalton and I were earnest, writing extensively in our workbooks and often having conversations that produced tears--usually happy, occasionally frustrated or anxious.

I recommend this pre-cana weekend to anyone who is willing to really commit to using it as a tool to improve communication and trust prior to marriage. After reading through our workbooks again, some seemingly contradictory truths stuck out boldly to me:

You will change.

One thing that stood out to me is how young we seemed in our communication. The idealism oozed out of the pages as we confidently wrote about all of the things we expected marriage to be. There’s also no evidence in our past voices of the deep intimacy that comes with time. My responses were casual and flippant, often glossing over some of the real issues we finally came to discuss only after we were married. 

The kids who filled out those pages were mere outlines of the adults we are today. Who knows how we will change in the next 5, 10, 50 years from now? 

You won’t change.

Despite some of the superficial responses we gave back then, the raw material of our souls is written on those pages. There was a section to fill out about what we perceived to be our biggest flaws, and I was sorry to see, five years later, that mine remain the same.

There was also a section about what gifts we would bring to the marriage. Happily, Dalton and I have both developed a lot of these gifts, far beyond what we might have expected when we first discussed what they were. Dalton’s patience, for example, is seemingly boundless and somehow only increasing as we add more children to our family.

You get to decide.

One of the most fun aspects of the weekend is the time you spend discussing what your future family will look like. How will you celebrate holidays, develop traditions, raise children?

Dalton and I come from wonderful families, but there were a few things we decided we would like to do differently in our own. Like the founding fathers writing out our own Declaration of Independence, the joy and excitement of creating something new leaps off the pages of our workbooks. For example, we decided that we would prioritize family dinner time. We added a clause about occasionally calling an audible for a rare “treat night” where we would order takeout and watch a movie during dinner. We have consistently kept this law and this amendment to this day.

You won’t get to decide.

Our workbooks covered many of the important topics that a couple should discuss before marriage, but there are certain lessons that come only with time and experience. There are some things you won’t get to choose. 

Prior to our marriage, we had never discussed in any meaningful detail some of the most difficult parts of life, including our deepest fears and anxieties. In the five short years we have been married, we have encountered some of these together. When we said our vows at our wedding, the “worse” of “for better or for worse”--sickness, poverty, death--were all theoretical. Although we have no idea what is still to come in our lives and marriage, we still trust in the mercy and love of God--just like the naïve kids we used to be. 

About the Author: Genevieve currently practices as a lactation consultant and blogs with her sister Kat Finney for The Sister Post, a blog offering two perspectives on everything from spiritual discernment to baby gear. Genevieve and her husband Dalton began dating on the feast of St. Joseph. They have two children.

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Newlywed Life | Processing Frustrations in Light of the Big Picture

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THERESA NAMENYE

 

Sometimes, as much as we try not to, we get caught up in seeing all of the annoying parts of life. This frustration can be especially magnified in a marriage. Especially in a new season of marriage when spouses are adjusting to a new way of life together.

It’s easy to see the dishes piled up in the sink after a long day of work. After dealing with thirty fourth graders all day, the last thing I want to think about is coming home to clean bowls with old pancake batter. If I get hyper focused on that pancake bowl, my thoughts can quickly turn to, “I can’t believe he had the nerve to leave that there for me. I worked hard all day long and now he expects me to wash his dishes?”

Conversely, it’s easy for him to get frustrated when I scroll through my phone in the evening, not cuddling on the couch. “She’s been away from me all day and she doesn’t want to be around me now that we’re home.”

In these annoying, trying, and unpleasant circumstances, it’s so important to rise above our own thought patterns and shift our perspective. 

The bowl of pancake batter wasn’t rinsed immediately because a baby was crying and needed to be changed. Then an errand had to be run and thing after thing took over the afternoon and the watery pancake batter was forgotten. It’s okay. The kids are well fed and they were loved today. It’s fine that the bowl still sits in the sink. It’s not an attack against me. It does not mean my husband is lazy. It means that other important things came up, and cleaning up immediately after meals is still a growing habit. He’s getting there.

I’m on my phone, reading an article about how toddlerhood is difficult. I’ve been up all night nursing a teething baby, I pumped twice at work, I graded ninety assignments, and I haven’t sat down to eat my lunch. I came home to a sink full of unwashed pancake dishes that reminded me that my day of work is far from over. I need fifteen minutes to merely exist in my comfortable chair and unwind as I relate to moms who are in the trenches alongside me in this vocation. It’s okay. Not cuddling my spouse is not a sly message that I don’t want to be close to him. I am working on being more available for cuddles and hugs with my husband throughout the demands of life. 

But recognizing and understanding all of these unseen facets of life--things like dishes and distractions--takes work. It takes love. It takes communication. Seeing issues from another’s perspective and in light of the big picture takes constant practice.

It is a skill to see an unpleasant reality, feel waves of frustration, and mentally transcend them in the heat of the moment.

“Yes, this is aggravating to my inner soul. No, this is not the end of the world. Yes, I am sure there is an explanation. Yes, I will communicate this later when we are both receptive and open to feedback.”

I’m not saying it’s a good idea to bury these annoyances or to continuously conjure up excuses for things that breed frustration. Far from it. I believe that ten times out of ten, sharing how we feel in a way that is loving, calm, and compassionate is better than spouting off frustrations in the throes of a mental picture that the other person is so wildly inconsiderate.

Instead, let us try to offer gratitude in those moments and practice being grateful for the thousands of unseen ways our spouse does love us.

It’s actually very nice that my husband takes out the trash, puts gas into the cars, and takes care of paying bills every month. When was the last time I genuinely thanked him for these things?

It’s actually quite awesome that my wife works hard for our family, folds all of the laundry without complaining, nurtures the children day in and day out, and changes the pillowcases. When was the last time she was thanked for these mundane, ordinary things done out of love?

The next time you feel anger swelling up inside of you against your spouse for doing something annoying, maybe find a way to speak some thankfulness for what they have done right. Not only will you love them better, you will simultaneously feed your soul with the skill to notice the good above the bad. 

You begin to create a culture within your home where the constructive criticism is tempered with the love and appreciation that a simple life deserves.

About the Author: Theresa Namenye studied Humanities, Catholic Culture, and Philosophy at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She lives in Scottsdale, AZ with her husband Garrett and their children Leo and Aislin. When she isn't teaching fourth grade, she loves blogging, painting, and enjoying the outdoors.

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Staying Strong When your Spouse has a Demanding Job

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KATHERINE FINNEY

 

My husband is in his 28th year of school this year. Yes, you read that correctly. He is 32-years-old and is currently a fellow at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, which puts him in his 28th year of receiving some sort of formal education. 

When we got married, I thought the idea of being married to someone in residency would be like a fun adventure. I knew his schedule would be crazy, but I figured the challenges of this state of life would be something we could have fun tackling together. Reality has turned out to be quite different from my expectation. 

I am no expert in being married to someone in training. I’m really no expert in marriage either. But I have been married for five years, and in every one of those five years my husband has been in medical training; my only experience of marriage has been as a wife of a resident (and now a fellow). Goals have been accomplished, but we’re still struggling through training. The light is getting brighter and closer, but the darkness behind us can still be a little hard to reflect on.

If I could give myself advice before entering into marriage with someone just starting residency (or any transient stage of training, continued education, etc), I’d say the following:

Pray. 

This is a Catholic blog, so it may seem necessary to include prayer. But here’s what I mean. There will be times when you will wonder when will be the next time you can sit down and have a meal together. There will be times when you feel like you don’t even know who the person sleeping next to you is anymore, because you never see him/her. In these times, you may feel numb and want to give up. I beg you to pray. Pray in a particular way to tangibly receive the graces of the Sacrament of Marriage. This prayer will be answered, and you will know it when it does. Praise God in those moments.

Make sacramental prayer a priority and habit. 

Again, an obvious recommendation for a Catholic blog. But again, without the grace of the Eucharist and the healing power of Confession, how do you expect to be able to receive the graces of your Sacrament of Marriage? Go to Jesus in the Eucharist, because he will be the one to get you through the hardest patches of this trying time.

Let go of expectations, and let go of comparisons. 

You may know a couple or couples in similar situations as you. They may even be Catholic, prayerful people. Do not live your life by comparing your relationship to theirs. Do not expect yourself to keep up with their timelines (of having kids, buying a house, achieving goals within residency/training).

Every couple is different and is called uniquely to their specific vocation. Every couple has different emotional, mental, physical struggles and strengths. Your way of doing things can be different than couples in similar situations to you. The only people who should be involved in a couple’s decisions should be the husband, wife, and God--and helpful spiritual directors/advisors as you see fit. Residency is hard enough to get through without the pressures of expectations you place on yourself to keep up with what others are doing.

Find a support system. 

Surrounding yourself with a community of support, especially if you’re away from family or are having children, is vital. Being away from family with small kids is no joke. When your village is far away, find people who can be your village. Be a village for them too. If possible, find couples in similar situations who are also far from home, so that you can support each other during holidays, postpartum recovery time, or extended periods away from family.

Remember your mission. 

You have been called to serve or to heal. Remember you’ve been called to something greater than yourself. I find that when I view the challenges of being a resident’s wife as part of my missionary call, I’m more inclined to embrace the challenges rather than to run from or resent them. The challenges don’t get easier, but they have purpose when I look at them as part of a greater call.

I asked my husband if he had anything to add to this, from the perspective of both the husband and the trainee/doctor in the situation. Here’s what he had to say:

Go on dates, at least once a month!

Residency (and parenthood) are roles that demand tremendous amounts from an individual; the external pressures can make it all too easy to neglect your marriage. Don’t let that happen! Initially, I tried to connect with my wife while I was also doing something else (preparing for the next day, cleaning the dishes, changing a diaper). But there is something about undivided attention and unquestionable intention that is so much better.

When we started going on dates more consistently, I noticed a huge improvement in our relationship together as well as an improvement in our interactions with the kids. If you are a parent, find some other parents that are looking to go on dates, and do a parent swap to save money on babysitters.

Take time to pray daily. 

During training, I found this to be very effective on the way to and from work. I pray on the way to work every day, which allows me to center myself and be committed to providing the best care possible for my patients before seeing them. Praying in my car after work also provided a timely transition to recap the day—what went well, what didn’t go so well, and what can be done to improve things--before being present to my family.

About the Author: Katherine (Schluter) Finney is proudly from New Orleans, Louisiana, currently living in Nashville, Tennessee while her husband Jonathan finishes fellowship training. She and Jonathan have two daughters, Miriam (3) and Joan (18 months). Kat taught high school religion for four years and has worked for Catholic high schools for six years. She currently stays at home with her two daughters, and she spends most of her time styling hamster play-doh hair and cooking some kind of creole dish for dinner.

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The Deep Roots of Marital Communication--And Why They Matter

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THERESA NAMENYE

 

Of all the advice people give to an engaged or newly married couple, communication seems to be the one phrase that sticks out. I remember hearing that communication is always a hot button issue—the one thing all married couples must conquer in order to attain peace. 

Because my entire engagement was long distance, and we worked opposite schedules and communicating via texting most of the time, I felt pretty confident about our communication as we approached our wedding day. How hard could this possibly be? I thought. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Then, after our wedding, we moved in together.

Suddenly, all of the beautifully crafted messages that so eloquently expressed my feelings were not very much help. Looking back, I could not point out exactly where and why our communication started to unravel. It was all the small things, of course: but the small things are what make up daily life. Life quickly became an aggravating battle ground for nearly every topic that crossed our path.

The clothes on the floor? The dinner in the oven? The tone of my voice? The implication of that word? The specific verbiage chosen? Everything seemed to be interlaced with unspoken expectations, long-standing familial foundations, and principles singled out as the most important by our different personalities, inherent to who we are from the time we could walk and talk. 

I didn’t realize the simple act of communication is not just an exchange of words; rather, the act of communication is an experience of two inexplicably complex souls attempting to convey meaning to one another. And that is hard. 

Communication in the abstract is wildly easier than long talks, tears, and a stream of frustration spinning like a thousand hamster wheels in my head. 

Epictetus writes, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” I would add that with two people in a marriage, one’s wellspring of experience is tempered by the presence of another throughout the journey of life, wholly together.

What I’ve learned in my five years of marriage is this: every action and every thought that surges through our intellect is an intricate combination of our entire life’s experience. Assumptions, priorities, wounds: these are all embedded in our communication whether we realize it or not. 

The more carefully and thoughtfully we start to unpack these layers in ourselves, the more we come to understand, essentially, who we are. And this is the key starting point in any relationship—marriage or otherwise. It takes a lifetime to fully understand oneself or to even come close to it, and trying to simultaneously know one’s spouse on an intimate level is no small task.

It may seem like a common task to truly understand another person, because so many of us are married and in communication with a spouse every day.

Let me assure you, successful communication in a marriage is no small feat.

At times, it is like taming the wild dragon deep within yourself and extending mercy in places where it could not be more undeserved. It is taking the time, laboriously, to unpack misunderstandings. Other times, it is biting one’s tongue (figuratively or literally) in the hopes of cooling tempers and returning to civility before continuing on. 

At the end of the day, communication shows us what it means to live with a possession of humility. Know thyself, the philosophers write. Doing that takes humility. Why am I the way that I am?

And knowing someone else too? I think it takes double the humility. You are attempting to know, deeply and truly, the beautifully perplexing universe of the mind and heart of another.

About the Author: Theresa Namenye studied Humanities, Catholic Culture, and Philosophy at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She lives in Scottsdale, AZ with her husband Garrett and their children Leo and Aislin. When she isn't teaching fourth grade, she loves blogging, painting, and enjoying the outdoors.

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From the Groom | Even Through Imperfection, Peace Conquers All.

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BENJAMIN TURLAND

 

It was May 2nd, the day we would become one flesh in the sacrament of holy matrimony. We had been waiting for this day for over 15 months.

I think I am not much different than most people, where I dream what the wedding day will look like and think, "my wedding day is going to be perfect, no problems. It will be the best day ever!" We don't always say it out loud, but we think it, right? I expected all our problems would go away and life would be serene for the days surrounding our wedding.

Though it was the best day ever, I had to let go of these expectations—in reality, life did not stop happening for our wedding day. The week before the wedding, I was shaken by an uncontrollable event. The immense stress left me sick in the days leading up to our big day. We still had a lot to do and I was running around from here to there, picking up people from the airport, making and changing plans every day. My wife had an allergic reaction to a facial, and she broke out (which never happens). 

Rather than processing the stress, I pulled away from my groomsman, I didn’t talk to anyone, and I found it difficult to calm myself and focus in the hours before our wedding day. 

Then came the wedding day. I was still super nervous, stressed and sick. My groomsman could see it: I was the stressed-out groom. 

My groomsman came over to me, chose me, and prayed over me. Even though I had pulled away from them earlier in the week, they said “yes” to love and the Holy Spirit gave me peace through their presence. I realized the situations leading up to my wedding had been imperfect, but I could not let them ruin my peace. 

Between the once-in-a-lifetime wedding day and being surrounded by all my best friends, I chose to be present. I knew I could not change the past, but I could decide how much the past events were going to control me.

Through the Holy Spirit, it became easier to choose the moment. The prayer ended and I walked down the aisle. Here I was, before my God. Then came the bridesmaids, the flower girl, and finally Megan, my soon-to-be-wife. The person I had journeyed with to be here, through ups and downs. 

With Megan, I have never had someone who has brought me so much joy, laughter and love. But I have also never experienced hurt, distraction, frustration or anger with anyone like I have with her. This is love: it's not always perfect, but she is my best friend. Our relationship was not perfect, and no relationship is. I choose her in the imperfections. 

The Mass was everything I wanted. Becoming one—before God and friends—was the best experience. Our wedding day flew by and I still get sick and stress still creeps in. I have learned that marriage is just like my wedding day. 

Sometimes I idolize marriage and think that because I am married, life or the relationship will be perfect. This is hardly the case; marriage is another step in the journey towards heaven, towards intimacy with  God, towards sanctification. Marriage is the start, not the finish. This is the vocation that will get me to heaven. Megan will help get me to heaven. What is beautiful is that we are a sacrament. We offer grace to each other every day.

On that day, and every day in my marriage, I have to choose to love myself in my imperfections, while realizing I am on a lifelong journey and will never be perfect. I also have to choose to love and have mercy on Megan in her imperfections and support her on the journey she is on. 

Life is full of imperfections, but I try my best to not let those imperfections control me.

In marriage, you learn things about yourself you didn't even know existed; however, your spouse and the grace of the sacrament bring more joy than we can imagine. The experiences of marriage also bring extremes of every other emotion in the book. 

Even though the problems will not go away, I have someone who I know will battle with me till death do us part. Despite the stress and changes in expectations, I look back at pictures and truly see my wedding as the best day of my life.

About the Author: Benjamin joined the Catholic Church at age 17. Originally from a small mountain town, In British Columbia, he is now a full-time Catholic missionary with Catholic Christian Outreach and lives in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Benjamin loves sharing his faith, snowboarding, drinking coffee and traveling.

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