Newlywed Life | Processing Frustrations in Light of the Big Picture
/THERESA NAMENYE
Sometimes, as much as we try not to, we get caught up in seeing all of the annoying parts of life. This frustration can be especially magnified in a marriage. Especially in a new season of marriage when spouses are adjusting to a new way of life together.
PHOTOGRAPHY: MACKENZIE REITER PHOTOGRAPHY
It’s easy to see the dishes piled up in the sink after a long day of work. After dealing with thirty fourth graders all day, the last thing I want to think about is coming home to clean bowls with old pancake batter. If I get hyper focused on that pancake bowl, my thoughts can quickly turn to, “I can’t believe he had the nerve to leave that there for me. I worked hard all day long and now he expects me to wash his dishes?”
Conversely, it’s easy for him to get frustrated when I scroll through my phone in the evening, not cuddling on the couch. “She’s been away from me all day and she doesn’t want to be around me now that we’re home.”
In these annoying, trying, and unpleasant circumstances, it’s so important to rise above our own thought patterns and shift our perspective.
The bowl of pancake batter wasn’t rinsed immediately because a baby was crying and needed to be changed. Then an errand had to be run and thing after thing took over the afternoon and the watery pancake batter was forgotten. It’s okay. The kids are well fed and they were loved today. It’s fine that the bowl still sits in the sink. It’s not an attack against me. It does not mean my husband is lazy. It means that other important things came up, and cleaning up immediately after meals is still a growing habit. He’s getting there.
I’m on my phone, reading an article about how toddlerhood is difficult. I’ve been up all night nursing a teething baby, I pumped twice at work, I graded ninety assignments, and I haven’t sat down to eat my lunch. I came home to a sink full of unwashed pancake dishes that reminded me that my day of work is far from over. I need fifteen minutes to merely exist in my comfortable chair and unwind as I relate to moms who are in the trenches alongside me in this vocation. It’s okay. Not cuddling my spouse is not a sly message that I don’t want to be close to him. I am working on being more available for cuddles and hugs with my husband throughout the demands of life.
But recognizing and understanding all of these unseen facets of life--things like dishes and distractions--takes work. It takes love. It takes communication. Seeing issues from another’s perspective and in light of the big picture takes constant practice.
It is a skill to see an unpleasant reality, feel waves of frustration, and mentally transcend them in the heat of the moment.
“Yes, this is aggravating to my inner soul. No, this is not the end of the world. Yes, I am sure there is an explanation. Yes, I will communicate this later when we are both receptive and open to feedback.”
I’m not saying it’s a good idea to bury these annoyances or to continuously conjure up excuses for things that breed frustration. Far from it. I believe that ten times out of ten, sharing how we feel in a way that is loving, calm, and compassionate is better than spouting off frustrations in the throes of a mental picture that the other person is so wildly inconsiderate.
Instead, let us try to offer gratitude in those moments and practice being grateful for the thousands of unseen ways our spouse does love us.
It’s actually very nice that my husband takes out the trash, puts gas into the cars, and takes care of paying bills every month. When was the last time I genuinely thanked him for these things?
It’s actually quite awesome that my wife works hard for our family, folds all of the laundry without complaining, nurtures the children day in and day out, and changes the pillowcases. When was the last time she was thanked for these mundane, ordinary things done out of love?
The next time you feel anger swelling up inside of you against your spouse for doing something annoying, maybe find a way to speak some thankfulness for what they have done right. Not only will you love them better, you will simultaneously feed your soul with the skill to notice the good above the bad.
You begin to create a culture within your home where the constructive criticism is tempered with the love and appreciation that a simple life deserves.
About the Author: Theresa Namenye studied Humanities, Catholic Culture, and Philosophy at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She lives in Scottsdale, AZ with her husband Garrett and their children Leo and Aislin. When she isn't teaching fourth grade, she loves blogging, painting, and enjoying the outdoors.