What Can You & Your Beloved Do to Support Each Other's Dreams?
/STEPHANIE CALIS
“But where will you find the time?” he asked. I fought the urge to roll my eyes, again, my brain already whirring through potential comebacks.
PHOTOGRAPHY: LAUREN EMILY PHOTOGRAPHY
As often as I’ve wished my husband and I had a brag-worthy, Insta-perfect habit of wholeheartedly supporting one another’s dreams, the truth is that I’m an idealist and he’s a realist (and of course, the truth is that I know our life could never be completely reflected in a single caption or image on social media). We dream very differently.
Have you and your beloved discussed your dreaming styles before? Early on in our relationship, I’d literally tell my husband one of my wildest dreams (usually, for me, related to hobbies, travel, or home projects), expecting a shared sense of excitement and purpose. Instead, these revelations would frequently be met with a series of questions that brought my imaginings crashing back to earth. I’d ask him about one of his own future goals or ideas, and would hear in his words the sense of hesitation and doubt.
It’s been revelatory to encounter the ways our individual temperaments and upbringings have shaped our differing attitudes towards goal-setting, risk, and aspiration. These differences used to cause a great deal of hurt and misunderstanding, yet time has helped us recognize each of our habits, desires, and areas for growth when we talk about our dreams.
If you and your beloved, like us, have different balances of idealism and practicality, here are the questions and discussion points that have helped my husband and I grow in understanding and support for one another’s hopes and ideas.
Related: What do you want your home and family life to look like? What mission are you called to as a couple? How can you refresh yourselves after stressful seasons? Dream together with Spoken Bride’s Family Culture Workbook and Relationship Reset Guide.
State the end goal of your conversation.
Vulnerability expert Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind,” meaning conversations go most smoothly when each person communicates their needs, intentions, and expectations without vague language or avoidance. She frequently relates this concept to leadership, yet it’s been transformative in my marriage, as well, fostering an ever-deepening sense of understanding, empathy, and union between usI.
It’s been a particularly fruitful concept in this area of talking about our dreams. We (usually I) used to just dive into a conversation about my ideas, beginning with “Wouldn’t it be so great one day to…,” which frequently led to dampened enthusiasm or discouragement. Now, when sharing a dream, my husband and I both try to clearly state the context and goal of the conversation at the outset--that is, we’ll say whether we’re looking for specific advice and actionable steps related to an idea, or if we’re simply daydreaming and thinking aloud. Clear is kind!
Do you have a specific time frame in mind?
Some dreams, like my husband’s hope of getting his band’s music on college radio, have a sense of urgency and a deadline in mind; within one year, for example. Other dreams, like my longtime desire to take our children to Disney World once they’re old enough, are more of a distant-future idea that don’t make sense to concretely plan for just yet.
Discussing whether our dreams are short-term or long-term, time-sensitive or flexible, gets my husband and I on the same page, and leads to the next question addressed here:
What concrete matters should we address to make this dream a reality?
Personally, I love the thrill of possibility and don’t struggle to dream without the constraints of material or practical concerns. My husband, on the other hand, considers limitations before giving himself permission to really enter into an idea and consider how it might take shape. By identifying the concrete matters involved in a given undertaking, we’ve become better able to embrace the tension of ideal versus reality, and to feel the empowerment of a roadmap and to-do list.
So when one of us is ready to really dive into a dream, we benefit from listing the resources and steps that will help us get there. Consider what amounts of your time, finances, education, and materials you’re willing to invest (individually and as a couple), and write them down or set a date to commit to these investments.
How will I support you, and how will we pick up any slack in our home and family life?
My husband started a graduate program, after much discernment and steps forward in trust--the year our first child was born. Though the constant work, low pay, and long hours on campus were hardly a dream come true, we both felt the peace and confidence of knowing this path was where the Lord had led us, and that the end goal would be the true fulfillment. It took so many conversations about distinguishing work time and family time and about household responsibilities before we felt in a rhythm with what his program would require of us both. The excitement of what teaching and study opportunities the degree would open up helped motivate the both of us to stay the course.
The summer I set out to write a book manuscript, my husband took over the at-home parenting duties, taking on the bulk of tending to our kids, cooking, and chores that I typically do when he’s at work during the school year. Flexibility with role reversal, and a spirit of service and sacrifice, made it relatively easy to act as true helpmates after identifying the areas of our life where we’d need to step in for each other.
Like any other area of our relationship, the act of supporting one another’s dreams has been learned; a work in progress. In this progress, I can now look back--and ahead, as we continue to dream--and see the ways each of our natures complements the other.
About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more
