From the Founders | An End, and a Beginning.

To our Brides and Readers,

Since our founding six years ago we have always sought a personal, honest, approachable relationship with you through every medium we use to communicate. Today we’re here to share some some stirrings of our hearts, and some significant news:

In January 2022, we at Spoken Bride will be concluding our ministry.

Gosh, it feels like a big exhale, but also like a bated breath, to publish these words. Over the past year we’ve loved working alongside our team of unbelievably creative, hardworking, prayerful women, pursuing our mission to highlight all that is good, true, and beautiful about Catholic marriage. We have shed tears of joy and wonder over every single gallery and video you’ve shared with us, cheered on our community of Catholic vendors, and most of all, learned so much from the stories, intentions, and insights you’ve entrusted us to tell. 

And yet. From the start we’ve aimed to create a company culture where vocation is foremost. What would a marriage ministry be, really, if we didn’t prioritize our own marriages and calls, trusting that the Lord blesses saying yes to Him in every season? It felt like a huge, irrational surprise when we felt the Holy Spirit nudging us, with ever-increasing clarity, toward transitioning away from this work we love and believe in so deeply, turning our gaze inward and ahead. Amid all the passion we feel for marriages that will change the world, we’ve realized the necessity–and goodness–of changing the world in the hiddenness of our individual marriages and families, and we look to the season ahead with peace and resolve.

What does this mean for you, the invaluable readers who’ve joined us in this work through your comments, intercession, writing, testimonies, and investment? Here, a few important points about our conclusion:

Will Spoken Bride’s content be going away?

No! Our website, social media, Vendor Guide, and podcast will remain available, though inactive. No new content will be produced after January 31, 2022, but you’ll have continued access to finding Catholic wedding vendors, browsing our Wedding Directory for inspiration, and listening to three seasons’ worth of practical and spiritual support for brides and newlyweds. 

Wait! I haven’t finished my wedding program.

We’ve got you! All of our customizable digital products–including wedding programs, stationery suites, and thank you notes–come with free lifetime access to our editing software. Once you’ve purchased and received your products, they’re yours for good to customize and print. Bear in mind that these products are proprietary and copyrighted, and are for your personal use only.

Speaking of programs, can I still purchase one? Will your shop stay open?

The Spoken Bride Shop, which includes our best-selling Catholic wedding programs along with a range of other products for your wedding liturgy and home, is open through December 30, 2021. 

There are two essential, endlessly inspiring ideas we’d like to leave you with– ideas we endeavor to worship and live by. First, the Lord is the ultimate artist. 

Only a perfectly creative Creator can design specific, indelible love stories marked with infinite expressions of His loving hand. Every vocation, including the call to marriage, is a divine romance. Any desire you experience for a beautiful wedding isn’t shallow or insignificant. When held in a balanced perspective, that desire is a reflection of the Father’s own all-encompassing beauty and goodness.

Your wedding offers you and, by extension, everyone present, a window into this sacred beauty. Beauty is a bridge, communicating a depth of understanding that surpasses words and points us to its source. When you deeply love your Catholic faith, drawing your loved ones’ attention to beauty and goodness offers them a glimpse of what God is like. And that glimpse has the power to speak volumes– to pierce and awaken.

Second, He is the ultimate host.

If goodness, truth, and beauty are a bridge, where do they lead? To the heart of the Father. Always, he beckons us and meets us right where we are. He invites us.

Our Catholic faith can extend an invitation, not build a wall. It can communicate through those things unspoken that stir the heart to consider its purpose and to embrace its ache for the eternal. Your wedding day, and marriage, can embody the love of God for his children and foretell the heavenly wedding feast–the ultimate invitation. We’re all called to the banquet.

From us to you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

In whatever capacity you’ve encountered Spoken Bride over the years, we are beyond grateful for all that you are. We sincerely hope your experience was just that: an encounter, real and true without artifice, unafraid of the Cross, a source of encouragement and positivity. 

We have loved serving you, and though it’s the end of our active work on this ministry, don’t lose sight of the fact that your wedding day is anything but: it’s a beginning. Let’s begin.

In Jesus, through Mary,

Andi Compton and Stephanie Calis

Spoken Bride, Co-Founders & Owners

Image credits: Elissa Voss Photography | Claire Watson Photography

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Lord God, from You every family in Heaven and on earth takes its name. Father, You are love and life.

 Through Your Son, Jesus Christ, born of woman, and through the Holy Spirit, the fountain of divine charity, grant that every family on earth may become for each successive generation a true shrine of life and love.

Grant that Your grace may guide the thoughts and actions of husbands and wives for the good of their families and of all the families in the world.

Grant that the young may find in the family solid support for their human dignity and for their growth in truth and love.

Grant that love, strengthened by the grace of the sacrament of marriage, may prove mightier than all the weaknesses and trials through which our families sometimes pass.

Through the intercession of the Holy Family of Nazareth, grant that the Church may fruitfully carry out her worldwide mission in the family and through the family.

We ask this of You, Who is life, truth and love with the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

 - Prayer of John Paul II for Families

It's Here! All About Our New Advent Book Release.

Today it’s our joy to announce the launch of our first full-length book, Awaited: an Advent Devotional for Catholic Couples!

A longtime dream, we wrote Awaited specifically for couples to share in this season, side-by-side and face-to-face. While we've encountered a variety of liturgical resources for personal reflection, geared toward men or women individually, we envisioned a resource couples could use together--growing in understanding and delving deeper into the heart of God all the while. And here it is! 

We know engagement and married life are ripe for imagining the type of home, traditions, and celebrations you hope to create for your family.

So we’re so proud to offer you a devotional that’s both practically and spiritually edifying, rooted in Scripture and prayer, and encourages you and your beloved to dream and converse. We sincerely hope you love it and that it bears fruits in your relationship year after year.

Here’s what you’ll find inside:

• Weekly focal points emphasizing different aspects of preparing for Christ's birth: preparing your home, your family, your marriage, and your hearts for the Christmas season

• Daily reflections, questions, and action steps to read and discuss as a couple

• Four guided prayer exercises intended to strengthen your shared spiritual lives, throughout Advent and beyond

Ready to get your copy? Ideal for any season of engagement, newlywed life, and years into marriage, Awaited is available now through Amazon and Barnes & Noble, in a digital format or beautifully finished, matte cover paperback.

Wait in hope. The Awaited One––He who will transform our marriages and our lives ––is near.

Feeling Stuck? How My Husband and I Recommit to Our Priorities.

STEPHANIE CALIS

There is a lot dead in me that needs to be raised. 

During our long-distance engagement, my husband and I would excitedly anticipate finally being together every day and night, dreaming about all we wanted our married life to be: time spent face-to-face and not side-by-side; a shared sense of wonder with time spent outdoors and exploring our city; a home filled with inspiring literature and music. 

Photography: Anna Dzieciol Photography

It was exhilarating, until the realization set in that we were spending many evenings next to each other on the couch, laptops open to separate projects we should have left at work; until it felt easier to skip a hike or bike ride and just keep clicking next episode; until our Sunday papers and poetry journals sat ignored in favor of our phones.

Why is it so easy to dream, but so hard to take actual steps toward realizing them? My marriage has been through several seasons like this, where apathy takes over and feels easier than making a change, even when we feel dissatisfied with our habits.

When you so deeply desire to be fully alive, bad habits just make you feel...dead.

Though we aren’t perfect at making an immediate change and turnaround, my husband and I have, fortunately, developed an easy list-making practice that helps us reorient ourselves and turn our focus back to what we truly value. If you’re in a “stuck” season yourself, I invite you to get out a notepad and try out a reset. Here’s how:

List 5 things you deeply love and hope to invest your time in.

Is it a favorite hobby? Hosting and hospitality? Quality time with family? Travel? To make this list, consider what renews you and your beloved, what you dream about doing, and what pursuits make time slow down. Write down what it is you love!

List the 5 things you most frequently invest your time in.

No judgment! Just honesty. Is your time most frequently spent on work? Chores? What types of leisure? Who are you with?

Maybe you can see where this is going.

Compare your two lists: is there any overlap? What areas of how you’re actually living your day-to-day align with how you’re hoping to live your day-to-day? 

It’s eye-opening to consider how well, or not well, your priorities and passions correspond to your daily choices. And for me, it’s motivating.

During the times I clearly see myself pushing aside the things that truly bring me alive, choosing the crumbs instead of the feast, I find myself thinking of the span of my life, and what the legacy of my actions, marriage, and family will be: decades from now, will I truly be able to say I sought what is beautiful, good, and fulfilling, or that I spent my life watching TV? To be clear! It’s certainly not wrong to spend an afternoon relaxing with a show you love. If, however, I consistently choose TV over something I objectively enjoy more, a habit is formed and that starts to become my life.

I should also be clear in saying I recognize that these big dreams, that first list of what you love, might feel like a privilege. Sometimes, circumstances and family situations dictate that we’re more beholden to work or that some pursuits aren’t financially attainable for the season you’re in. I encourage you, though, to dream anyway, trusting and hoping that in whatever moments of leisure you have, the Lord in his goodness will revive you still, inviting you to meet him where you are and use your time with intention.

Father, you who are eternal, thank you for the gift of time. May we use it to seek and find you, living lives of integration and fulfillment. Draw us back to you in all things.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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What Can You & Your Beloved Do to Support Each Other's Dreams?

STEPHANIE CALIS

“But where will you find the time?” he asked. I fought the urge to roll my eyes, again, my brain already whirring through potential comebacks.

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAUREN EMILY PHOTOGRAPHY

As often as I’ve wished my husband and I had a brag-worthy, Insta-perfect habit of wholeheartedly supporting one another’s dreams, the truth is that I’m an idealist and he’s a realist (and of course, the truth is that I know our life could never be completely reflected in a single caption or image on social media). We dream very differently.

Have you and your beloved discussed your dreaming styles before? Early on in our relationship, I’d literally tell my husband one of my wildest dreams (usually, for me, related to hobbies, travel, or home projects), expecting a shared sense of excitement and purpose. Instead, these revelations would frequently be met with a series of questions that brought my imaginings crashing back to earth. I’d ask him about one of his own future goals or ideas, and would hear in his words the sense of hesitation and doubt. 

It’s been revelatory to encounter the ways our individual temperaments and upbringings have shaped our differing attitudes towards goal-setting, risk, and aspiration. These differences used to cause a great deal of hurt and misunderstanding, yet time has helped us recognize each of our habits, desires, and areas for growth when we talk about our dreams.

If you and your beloved, like us, have different balances of idealism and practicality, here are the questions and discussion points that have helped my husband and I grow in understanding and support for one another’s hopes and ideas.

Related: What do you want your home and family life to look like? What mission are you called to as a couple? How can you refresh yourselves after stressful seasons? Dream together with Spoken Bride’s Family Culture Workbook and Relationship Reset Guide.

State the end goal of your conversation.

Vulnerability expert Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind,” meaning conversations go most smoothly when each person communicates their needs, intentions, and expectations without vague language or avoidance. She frequently relates this concept to leadership, yet it’s been transformative in my marriage, as well, fostering an ever-deepening sense of understanding, empathy, and union between usI.

It’s been a particularly fruitful concept in this area of talking about our dreams. We (usually I) used to just dive into a conversation about my ideas, beginning with “Wouldn’t it be so great one day to…,” which frequently led to dampened enthusiasm or discouragement. Now, when sharing a dream, my husband and I both try to clearly state the context and goal of the conversation at the outset--that is, we’ll say whether we’re looking for specific advice and actionable steps related to an idea, or if we’re simply daydreaming and thinking aloud. Clear is kind!

Do you have a specific time frame in mind?

Some dreams, like my husband’s hope of getting his band’s music on college radio, have a sense of urgency and a deadline in mind; within one year, for example. Other dreams, like my longtime desire to take our children to Disney World once they’re old enough, are more of a distant-future idea that don’t make sense to concretely plan for just yet.

Discussing whether our dreams are short-term or long-term, time-sensitive or flexible, gets my husband and I on the same page, and leads to the next question addressed here:

What concrete matters should we address to make this dream a reality?

Personally, I love the thrill of possibility and don’t struggle to dream without the constraints of material or practical concerns. My husband, on the other hand, considers limitations before giving himself permission to really enter into an idea and consider how it might take shape. By identifying the concrete matters involved in a given undertaking, we’ve become better able to embrace the tension of ideal versus reality, and to feel the empowerment of a roadmap and to-do list.

So when one of us is ready to really dive into a dream, we benefit from listing the resources and steps that will help us get there. Consider what amounts of your time, finances, education, and materials you’re willing to invest (individually and as a couple), and write them down or set a date to commit to these investments. 

How will I support you, and how will we pick up any slack in our home and family life?

My husband started a graduate program, after much discernment and steps forward in trust--the year our first child was born. Though the constant work, low pay, and long hours on campus were hardly a dream come true, we both felt the peace and confidence of knowing this path was where the Lord had led us, and that the end goal would be the true fulfillment. It took so many conversations about distinguishing work time and family time and about household responsibilities before we felt in a rhythm with what his program would require of us both. The excitement of what teaching and study opportunities the degree would open up helped motivate the both of us to stay the course.

The summer I set out to write a book manuscript, my husband took over the at-home parenting duties, taking on the bulk of tending to our kids, cooking, and chores that I typically do when he’s at work during the school year. Flexibility with role reversal, and a spirit of service and sacrifice, made it relatively easy to act as true helpmates after identifying the areas of our life where we’d need to step in for each other.

Like any other area of our relationship, the act of supporting one another’s dreams has been learned; a work in progress. In this progress, I can now look back--and ahead, as we continue to dream--and see the ways each of our natures complements the other.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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These Projects Not Included in Pre-Cana Helped Me Prepare for Marriage Like Nothing Else.

STEPHANIE CALIS

If you’ve ever put an IKEA bookshelf together with your beloved from start-to-finish, hosted a dinner party with him, or played multiple rounds of Boggle together, all with zero bickering or arguments, I would like to know about it.

I have always found comfort and motivation in the fact that the Church is forever steadfast in her teachings, offering us something beyond just dogma and instruction. She challenges us, through mercy and grace, to go beyond teaching and enter into practice.

If a foundational teaching of marriage is that this gift exists so spouses’ “mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man,” then a foundational practice we’re invited into is loving our spouses with this Christ-like love: sanctifying, life-giving, and without end. 

So much easier said than done. 

I remember, during marriage prep with our mentor couple, saying in one conversation that I couldn’t wait to put everything we were learning into practice. “But you already are,” said one of our mentors. Wedding planning, creating a website and registry, browsing honeymoon destinations, and more, she pointed out, were all endeavors that employed our aptitudes (or lack thereof) for clear communication, ready forgiveness, and compromise. 

Now, having been through the planning experience and having seen my husband’s many facets revealed more deeply over time, I once again see the fruits of entering together into the place where teaching and practice meet--and actively seeking occasions to embody a love more like Jesus’s own.

If you find yourself wishing for the same, praying to become the best spouse you can be as your wedding draws near, I’ve found the following projects to be surprisingly telling and sanctifying, showing my husband and I more of who we are and the specific ways we’re called to love one another.

Furniture and decorating

When I met my husband, I’d sometimes plunk down on the grass in the middle of my college campus at night, looking up at the stars and laughing; giddy at having found someone who understood me so well even at the outset and who loved so many of the same things I did. 

Fast forward to two years later, though, and by the standard of what items we were drawn to for our wedding registry and future home, we seemed to have practically nothing in common. 

You and your beloved might not share identical tastes in home decor, either, and it’s okay! Learning one another’s preferences, compromising on looks or price when appropriate, and seeing each other’s habits in action as we assembled and arranged  furniture together has ultimately helped us create a comfortable home we both love and that reflects who we are, together.

Driving and Following Directions

How much time and preparation does each of you build in when leaving for an appointment or event? Does a wrong turn stress you out or not feel like a huge deal? 

It took a few too many short-tempered drives to restaurants and friends’ houses before my husband and I talked clearly about how we each preferred to drive and navigate. Questions like, “Do you want to hold the map (phone) or have me read it?,” “What can I help you do before we leave?”, and “How much of my input do you want if we get lost?” have made our car conversations so much more peaceful.

Games

The online game nights my husband and I have participated in during quarantine have held up a mirror to the ways we treat each other when we’re (literally) on the same team. Partnering with your beloved, whether you prefer sports, board games, or vids, reveals each of your degrees of competitiveness, decision-making habits, creativity in problem-solving, and ways you critique one another. When taken as a pursuit of growth and healthy communication, it’s a great feeling to take pride in each other’s strengths.

Related: Board Games Suggestions for an Enjoyable At-Home Date Night

 Cooking/hosting

Do you love planning events rich with themes, details, and multiple courses, or do you prefer a more spontaneous approach to hosting? What about cleaning and preparing your home for guests? As with games, hospitality offers ways to grow as a united front (even if you aren’t living in the same home yet) and learn your beloved’s approach to plans, organization, and cooking.

It’s at the intersection of teaching and practice that we’re invited to love with the head and the heart. To express our inner knowledge by embodying it in our outer actions, quite literally putting that knowledge into practice. And what is the merging of inner and outer, after all, if not sacramental?

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Newlywed Life | Lessons in Love from Quarantine

STEPHANIE CALIS

If hours spent indoors alongside my husband, inhabiting the same four walls for days on end has revealed anything to me, it’s this: in marriage, there is nowhere for me to hide.

And as we enter our eleventh month of quarantine amid COVID-19, I’m actually grateful for the purification we’ve undergone. In these months of increased isolation, my shortcomings have never been more pronounced. To acknowledge them, rather than to hide, has been an ongoing pursuit.

Photography: Shannon Acton Photo, seen in Sandra + Shaheen | Glamorous Orange County Wedding

Has your relationship undergone something similar? Being home together more frequently than we ever have before has shown my husband and I who we are, and on the best days, has given us the resolve to be more who the Lord calls us to be. If the pandemic has also brought you and your spouse to this level of deeper--and sometimes, more painful--vulnerability, here I’m humbly sharing some of the lessons and fruits I’ve experienced:

It’s okay to do things differently.

In the early weeks of lockdowns, my husband and I bickered constantly over our daily routines: what was the better way to load the dishwasher? Why didn’t he make the bed right after waking? Why did I let unread texts and emails accumulate in my notifications?

While it sounds blatantly obvious to recognize that most daily tasks have no moral dimension, we struggled so frequently with thinking our personal ways of doing things were the only way. As time passed, we talked about inviting the divine into the mundane of our routines--that is, remembering even with our differing habits, we’re on the same team for life. 

Apology is a language.

Much like receiving love, receiving and accepting apologies takes on particular meaning to every person. Have you and your spouse ever discussed your “apology language”? Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, cites “expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting,” and “requesting forgiveness” as distinct languages of apology. I encourage you to talk with your spouse about what words and actions you each find most impactful and provide the most closure on an issue. This apology quiz by Dr. Chapman can help illuminate ways to facilitate meaningful apologies in your relationship.

In a time when my husband’s and my tempers have flared more frequently, quick apology and sincere forgiveness have made a noticeable difference in the overall tenor of our days. 

Loving encouragement is a skill you can develop.

My husband and I trust each other with our failings and try to receive correction humbly and honestly. Emphasis on try. In these months at home, there has been such a stripping away of myself before the man who calls me on at my worst and still sees the best in me. 

It’s become increasingly clear to us that how we call each other on is just as important as when we do (that is, not when one of us is preoccupied or when our kids require our presence and attention), and what issues we choose to bring up with one another. Instead of saying things like “Man, can’t you put your phone down?”, something more like “Is all this constant internet time the most fulfilling thing for you right now?” expresses the same sentiment in a constructive, thought-provoking way. Words matter, and my husband and I have been challenged to make our communication more loving and clear.

Enter into your shortcomings--but don’t stay there.

In quarantine there is, quite literally, no place to run. What could be an occasion to turn inward in my shame has instead shown itself to be an opportunity to go outside of  myself--confronting my weakness instead, and allowing the Lord to bring my husband and I into a deeper union.

Deciding to own up to my bad habits and daily failures hurts. But like removing any disease or poison, there is restoration on the other side of the pain. If I were to deny my mistakes, rationalize them, or refuse to believe I’m ever in the wrong, I can only imagine a bone-deep sense of loneliness. When I ask my husband’s forgiveness for my instances of impatience, bad moods, or criticism, I’m realigning myself with him, knowing that to be in error alongside him is more consoling--and more productive--than remaining unapologetic in my pride, alone. 

“It’s amazing how God has designed marriage for the salvation of the spouses: you have the choice to either close in on your selfish tendencies, refuse to serve each other and end up broken and alone. Or you can choose to learn how to place the other first, to serve each other in sacrifice and find happiness. The choice is our own.”

If the pandemic has left your home life struggling, know you aren’t alone. Communication, apology, and mercy are foundational skills we can always grow in, with the help of grace and the support of a loving spouse. Whenever the time comes that my husband and I are no longer working from home and together nearly 24/7, I pray I’ll look back on this time as one of great growth.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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The Surprising Activities That Prepared Me for Marriage

STEPHANIE CALIS

Vocation is truly a school of love.

My husband and I spent our engagement taking in a range of books and talks on marriage, determined to prepare for our life together with intention in purpose. To our surprise, though, so many activities seemingly unrelated to marriage prep revealed a new depth of our personalities and habits to one another, in a more tangible way than any book could teach.

As you anticipate your life together, don’t rule out the daily tasks and hobbies that can facilitate communication, problem-solving, and deeper knowledge of your beloved! Here, the activities that helped shape our married life.

Shopping for your future home

Even when you’re compatible at the deepest levels, most couples’ décor tastes aren’t identical--a fact that might not come to light until you’re preparing for your first home together. The day I brought home rose-colored hand towels I’d (impulsively, if I’m being honest) fallen in love with, my husband raised a wry eyebrow. They looked like something I’d have bought for the apartment I’d shared with female roommates before we were married, he said. 

Sometimes humility hurts, but he was right. Picking out items for your home--and more so, assembling them--is an exercise in compromise and honest discussion. But it’s exciting, too, to embrace opportunities to dream together about your future dwelling and the tangible items that will fill it.

Related: Explaining why you’ve chosen not to live together with an appeal to the heart.

Cooking

Are you and your beloved follow-the-recipe-exactly types, or more creative in the kitchen? Do you tend to stick with true-blue favorites or constantly seek out new meals to try? How do you feel about delegating specific tasks to one another?

Since our dating days, my husband and I have loved to cook together. Amid the many sweet memories, though, our time in the kitchen has uncovered the areas of my heart that are reluctant to give up control, encouraging me to grow in trust even through the mundane acts of chopping and measuring. I’ve come to realize--and still find myself constantly reminded--that another person’s manner of doing things differently than me is just that: different, not wrong or bad. 

Games

Competitiveness, risk-taking, reacting to success or disappointment...board games and sports have a way of revealing the subtleties of who we are. My husband and I are opposites in this area; as a majorly non-competitive person (I honestly don’t care much if I lose or win!), I enjoy seeing him pursue excellence and model healthy competition and sportsmanship to our children. During our engagement, when we’d play cards with his siblings nearly every weekend, being on the same team was hardly a more apt metaphor for our relationship--a time to strive together, appreciate one another’s skills, and be gracious and affirming with each other’s moves and strategies.

Related: Spoken Bride editors share the hobbies they (and their husbands) love

Planning your honeymoon

I wish I’d known this before marriage, but anticipating one another’s travel habits is something I’ve only recognized in hindsight. On our honeymoon and subsequent first trips together, my husband and I discovered our differing views on matters like how soon to be through security and settled before a flight, how to balance rest and sightseeing in our destination, how much spending was appropriate, and how much of our trip we wished to share on social media during and after. Discussing expectations ahead of time, we now know, sets us up for a harmonious time.

Related: Meet the couple whose intentional, prayer-filled engagement led to relationship coaching and a unique marriage ministry

 As I reflect back on these unexpected sources of preparation for marriage, I recognize my own littleness. Even years after engagement, I marvel at, struggle with, and grow with all the facets of who my husband is; purified, sanctified, and deeply known in all the details and acts that come together to make a shared life. It’s reassuring, and humbling, to know readiness doesn’t end at the altar: “Woman is given to man so that he can understand himself, and reciprocally man is given to woman for the same end. They are to mutually affirm each other’s humanity, awed by its dual richness.”

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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You and Your Spouse Are Works in Progress.

STEPHANIE CALIS

Raise your hand if you thought marriage would change you into the most perfect version of yourself.

...Tell me I’m not the only one with my hand in the air?

Photography: Juliana Tomlinson Photography, seen in Coleen + Matt | Airy Elegance Wedding

Throughout my engagement, I prayed daily for the Lord to form me into the wife he wanted me to be. I asked for the graces of healthy communication, a forgiving heart, and the strength to overcome my bad habits. And yet.

As we settled into our first apartment after our honeymoon, I nitpicked as we cooked dinner, showing my husband the way I liked to chop garlic. I continued my longtime habit of forgetting to turn on the bathroom fan during a shower. I let our time between laundry days stretch to college-student lengths. 

I knew the sacrament of marriage was transformative in the grand scale of my life. What I’d also expected, while hardly realizing it, was that I also thought it would transform me in smaller, more mundane ways. But as I grappled with my same old controlling, bathroom-fogging, laundry-ignoring tendencies, this time with an audience of my husband, I saw that I was still me. Still the woman I was, in all my strengths and especially in my failures, before my wedding day. I now see that’s how it was supposed to be.

It’s true that in matrimony we become really and permanently one with our spouses. An echo of the heavenly wedding feast. In this life, though, as heaven and earth reach toward each other, some transformation requires our own agency. A decision to cooperate with God’s grace. I thought entering a new state of life would change the parts of myself I was unhappy with. But in reality, it was a new opportunity to make those changes, and it was up to me. 

In my realization that getting married didn’t automatically eradicate my biggest weaknesses, I started trying to see my disillusionment—literally, the lifting of a veil—not as an end point, but an invitation.

In my marriage, I’m not called to stay the same forever, but to change. It’s my choice whether to take action, pursuing change for the better, or to let my struggles remain static. To keep them in the dark and blunder on in refusal. Through the love of a forgiving husband who calls me on in my failings and invites me to do the same for him, the Lord purifies and reshapes us both. He asks if we will let him show us the path to true growth and fulfillment. 

His voice beckons: I am with you always.

Have you had a similar experience of expecting marriage to change you? Even now, several years into this call, I still have foolish, fleeting thoughts that I can pray my shortcomings away without actually taking practical steps toward living out my vocation better.

We are all works in progress, and the Father is merciful, there alongside us. I’m reminded of St. Teresa of Calcutta’s words: “I used to think that prayer changes things,” she said. “But now I know that prayer changes us and we change things.”

Whether you’re anticipating your marriage to come, living out the first months of newlywed life, or deep into your vocation and wondering how to grow, may each of us--me included--open ourselves to constant transformation and a deeper understanding of Love’s demands.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Ministry Opportunities for Newlyweds

STEPHANIE CALIS

Have you experienced “retreat high?” That feeling of ending a weekend with the Lord renewed in your faith, a fire within, affirmed in your identity, ready to bring the Gospel to everyone you encounter?

I had a wedding high.

Photography: Alicia King Photography, as seen in How He Asked | Jessica + Chris

My husband and I had heard the frequent adage that the first year of marriage would be the hardest. Yet in the joy of finally spending every day and night together after a long-distance engagement, we expressed to each other our surprise that all of the expected challenges of newlywed life felt like ones outside of us, rather than conflicts between us. 

For us, the graces of our new marriage were most evident in our resulting desire to serve other young couples.

We wondered, though, if being “new” at marriage meant we couldn’t offer as much as spouses who’d been married longer and been through more of their vocations’ trials. What we eventually realized was that our newlywed state had fruits of its own, and that couples in every season of married life, from the honeymoon phase through new parenthood, times of suffering, and on into later life, can illuminate particular truths about the heart and bless others by their experiences.

If, as a married couple--perhaps in a new parish--you and your spouse also desire to minister to other engaged and newlywed couples, consider these suggestions.

Serve your parish youth group.

As a high schooler, I remember being struck by the evident happiness and, well, normalness of the several married couples who served as youth leaders. Their sweet attentiveness to each other, strong prayer lives, frequent partaking of the sacraments, and willingness to explain their choices to follow Church teachings made an impact and played a major role in my hopes for a holy, strong, and tender husband.

Are you looking for community? Read 4 tips for becoming a part of parish life.

If your parish has a youth group, consider that simply by being who you are, and just slightly older than the youth you're able to set an example of prayer, chastity, and the pursuit of becoming fully alive in Christ.

Consider a role as educators.

Did any areas of your marriage prep particularly resonate? With your spouse, discern the possibility of sharing your experiences with communication, spirituality, Natural Family Planning, or the adjustment to married life. You might share your stories as a mentor couple or pursue certification in NFP education.

Foster community.

Ministry doesn't need to be formal to be fruitful! If you and your spouse are drawn to the charism of hospitality, you might host weekly or monthly gatherings for other couples in your parish or area. A loose structure of fellowship plus discussion encourages friendships rooted in virtue and gives you companions in the start of your vocation. Consider a potluck meal, followed by a group study, spiritual reading, or viewing a series from Formed.org. 

What if you're drawn to a quieter role?

Embrace the gifts the Holy Spirit places on your heart and trust that the unique way you embody and use your gifts are the most needed for the time and place where you are. One on one friendships with other brides, attending Sunday Mass with your spouse, being honest and authentic in your encounters; all of these speak volumes.

If and when you and your spouse feel called to serve and minister in the Church, know that your witness—in whatever form it takes—is meaningful and draws attention to the Father, the source of all love and communion.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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How to Plan and Enjoy a Sabbath as a Couple

STEPHANIE CALIS

What do your Sundays currently look like? Do they align with how you’d like them to look?

Personally, I love coming home from morning Mass to have lunch with my family and read a book during my kids’ nap times, yet I admit I frequently spend the rest of the day cramming in meal prep, chores, and errands in an attempt to feel “ready” for the week ahead. In a culture of busyness and distraction, I suspect I’m not the only one.

Photography: Laurentina Photography

What does “ready” really mean, though? True, my Sunday habits help me feel materially and practically prepared, but too often I experience the creeping awareness that my spiritual and emotional readiness just hasn’t been satisfied. Lots of doing; not enough being. I crave carefree timelessness, but struggle to use my time well.

What do you and your beloved do for fun? Get ideas from the hobbies the editors share with their spouses.

I love the idea of a true Sabbath; a day to embrace the practices that help me, my husband, and our kids simply enjoy being present with one another in the activities that renew us and bring us joy. Here, for any others like me who desire a restorative Sunday routine, four questions to guide you in planning and entering into a fulfilling day of rest with those you love. 

What do we value?

Consider you and your beloved’s temperaments: what relationships, activities, and habits are most particularly important to you? For some couples, the answer might be social time with friends and family and for others, time alone for a date or a few relaxing hours at home. For some, it might be time away from screens, and for others, it might be catching up on movies or a show. For some, exercise is leisurely; for others, Sunday can be a break from the workout grind.

Examine and discuss what each of you values, and build those values into your Sabbath accordingly.

How can we distinguish our Sunday routines from the rest of the week?

Brainstorm and discuss ways you and your beloved can make each Sabbath feel distinctive from your typical weekly routines. This could take the form of morning or nighttime habits that encourage quality time and unhurriedness, like sleeping in and reading in bed, going for a walk, sharing reflections on the Mass readings for the day, or cooking a leisurely breakfast or dinner together. 

If you have children, consider simple, memorable rituals they can be involved with--for young kids, practices as seemingly ordinary as attending the donut Sunday after Mass, taking a family walk, or creating a short, Sunday-only prayer routine can become indelible memories! In my family, we like coming home from church to make eggs and toast and try to go on a low-key Sunday outing to nearby playgrounds or biking trails.

Playfulness enriches your marriage. Read more on cultivating a childlike spirit of joy.

What makes us feel most refreshed?

So many of us wish we had more time for hobbies or have a bucket list of activities we’d love to try “someday.” If you’re like me, perhaps you’ve ignored these lists in favor of scrolling through your phone, only to look up from the screen feeling restless and dull.

I encourage you--along with myself--to take the Sabbath as an invitation to engage in the activities that leave you feeling most alive and refreshed: time outdoors, reading, playing an instrument, or otherwise. Identify with your fiancé or spouse the activities you both love and can take part in together.

What weekend responsibilities can we reserve for Saturday instead of Sunday?

The imminent work week can make Sunday feel like an ideal time to get things done around the house and check off your to-do list, yet in my experience, I so often feel rushed trying to accomplish everything before Monday morning.

Instead, consider the time to breathe you afford yourself when you reserve cleaning, shopping, and organizing for Saturdays instead of Sundays. By doing the bulk of these tasks earlier in the weekend, you provide yourself with a cushion of extra time to get things done, as well as a needed break before your weekly routine begins again. 

So before the weekend starts, talk with your beloved about the responsibilities each of you hopes to accomplish, and plan how you can share and complete them as early on as you can.

What about you? If any of you have similar hopes for creating a true Sabbath, I’d love to hear the practices that have helped you do so and to learn about the weekend activities that bring you fully alive. Share in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Integrity Makes Us Whole: What it Means to Desire a Visually Beautiful Wedding Day

STEPHANIE CALIS

In my experiences working with brides and engaged couples, I’ve talked to many women who excitedly describe their wedding plans to me, often followed by a qualifier something like, “but of course, the sacrament is the most important part.” 

It’s true! Entering into marriage, speaking your wedding vows with soul and body, is transformative. An outpouring of grace. 

Photography: Fiat Photography

And yet, why do couples sometimes feel guilt when they dream of a visually beautiful wedding day? Is it that they hope beauty won’t be a distraction from the greater, divine reality taking place, or that downplaying the material elements is somehow more virtuous?

If you’ve ever felt this way, I commend your spirit of humility and moderation. I also invite you to reconsider the purpose of beauty. 

Any desire you have for a beautiful wedding--the church, the music, the gown, the flowers, the meal, and more--isn’t at odds with the sacrament. In fact, I’d argue sensory beauty enriches the beauty of the sacrament. God himself is all truth, goodness and beauty.

Therefore, held in proper perspective, any wedding elements that evoke the true, good and beautiful are an opportunity--an invitation--to know the heart of God more deeply. These desires are a good thing!

I call this an “appeal to the heart.” Beauty stirs something within us; an ache for meaning and for the infinite. We are made for eternal life, and so these longings draw us into our identity and purpose. 

Truth, goodness, and beauty are relational. A bridge. Wherever you are in your spiritual life, whether or not all your wedding guests are Catholic, beauty speaks a language we can all understand. It brings together the intangible with the real, integrating them into something more powerful than either could be on its own and making us more wholly human.

Integration and integrity are so closely linked. When our priorities are rightly ordered, there is peace, and less disconnect between our interior lives and the exterior we present to the world.

I see this sense of order extend beyond wedding planning and into the dynamics of relationships and marriage: love itself is a school of integrity.

When we act out of love, rather than seeking to gain, we’re free to express love in a way befitting our current state (whether engagement or marriage). In living out authentic love as best as we’re able--that is, a love that gives freely, faithfully, totally, and fruitfully--our words and bodies communicate respect, reverence, and an encounter beyond just the physical. A true sense of integrity.

When the body, soul, and mind are ordered toward freedom and self-gift, authentic love becomes far more than guidance or rules; rules become unnecessary, because we’re already living out our personhood as we’re meant to.

Have you experienced these tensions--that is, a desire to prioritize the sacramental nature of your wedding day while still conveying visual and sensory beauty? A hope to lessen any division between the inner and outer parts of who you are?

That tension is our humanity; the gift and weight of living in this world while anticipating the next. I hope beauty stirs and moves you, that your wedding day and marriage make God’s goodness visible, and that the pursuit of integrity bears abundant fruits in your vocation.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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A Reflection on Veiling and Intimacy

STEPHANIE CALIS

How did a recent Mass reading about the Ten Commandments lead me to tears over the gift of the body and the hidden, particular relationship spouses share with one another?

Photography: Fiat Photography

The Book of Exodus accounts how, after times in conversation with God, Moses would descend Mount Sinai radiant; literally and visibly changed by the encounter. The Israelites were uncomfortable at the sight, “afraid to come near him.”

Ultimately, we read that Moses makes the decision to veil himself when he comes down from the mountaintop, covering the radiance upon his face. He only removes it when alone and in the presence of God, in prayer.

How beautifully analogous this sense of veiled radiance is to the way our own prayer lives can or should be, and to the nature of marriage. How there is deep joy in being unveiled, naked before the Beloved, but only within the most intimate, free, and trusting setting.

Why is it I felt shy in front of friends and family after returning home from my honeymoon? Why do we struggle to hide our stupid, seemingly uncontainable grins from others after a moment of transcendence in prayer or in our relationship with our spouse?

It’s hard to re-enter the world right after those mountaintop experiences, still wearing that radiance. Part of my desire to do so, I’ve realized, is a wish to keep the experience sacred. Hidden. Not out of shame, but out of reverence for the gift.

On her wedding day, a bride veils herself, reserving the fullness of a face-to-face gaze for her bridegroom alone. At every Mass, the tabernacle is kept covered or closed until the Liturgy of the Eucharist--the holy union wherein time stops and heaven meets earth.

It is when these respective sacraments are complete--consummated--that an unveiling takes place, honoring the goodness of the body: those of husband and wife, speaking the language of their wedding vows in the flesh, and that of Christ himself, broken, poured out, and given to his bride the Church.

Just as Moses encountered the living God in a direct, personal way, so too do the sacraments draw us into his presence as closely as is possible on earth. And we are indelibly changed: Ven. Fulton Sheen reflected on the knowledge of another that is revealed to spouses in marriage. There is no return to how things were, he says, for “neither can live again as if nothing had ever happened.”

Whether you’re in the season of discernment, of preparing for marriage, or of living out married life, may all earthly joys reveal to you the love of our divine Beloved. May you be encouraged in freedom, unmasked, unveiled, and radiant with his love.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Has Comparison Played a Role in Your Vocation? Thoughts on Humility + Authenticity.

STEPHANIE CALIS

In my attempts to dialogue about the Catholic faith with charity and respect, to help others feel seen and heard, and to treat differences of opinion with a sympathetic, analytical mindset, it’s easy for me to believe I’m immune to pride. 

But that outlook is, in itself, prideful.

Photography: Christina Canaday, c/o Something Blue, LLC

The Pharisees, in Scripture, seem so different from me on the surface: confrontational, rule-bound, unmerciful. And yet, when I consider the deeper implications of their attitude, I see the painful similarities to my own bad habits, particularly in regard to comparison and pride.

Seeing your imperfections hurts. But they don’t define you. Read more here.

As my husband and I planned our wedding, we’d pat ourselves on the back for spending thousands less than wedding websites said a typical celebration would cost. As I cut sugar and flour from my diet in the month before the big day, I hoped family and friends would admire my fashion savvy and my looking thinner in the strapless ballgown I couldn’t wait to wear.

As we entered into newlywed life and, later, into parenthood, I’d mentally congratulate our willingness to travel and explore our new state when we could’ve stayed home instead, and our first child’s behavior he was calm and occupied in public.

What is it that distinguishes pride from being proud of yourself? Certainly, it’s not bad to spend within your means, to approach your appearance in a healthy way, to cultivate a fulfilling life and to parent attentively. But what about the areas of our wedding in which we overspent? What about the times my husband and I just didn’t feel like doing something social media-worthy? What about the times our baby fussed or struggled while we were out?

When I look at the root of these occasions, I see a desire for others to perceive me favorably, rather than a desire to be an instrument of the Father’s gifts.

I recognize the sense of underlying comparison, as if my choices make me superior, as if they define me, rather than just existing as choices. In my pride, I see the times in which can’t deny I’ve valued the earthly over the divine--a priority of myself above all else. How far I have to grow.

In Matthew’s Gospel, Christ condemns the Pharisees as “hypocrites.” The word hypocrite comes from the Greek word hypokrites, which means “actor.” 

Actors in ancient Greek theatre wore masks. When I consider my temptations to comparison and pride, I’m forced to confront the masks I want to wear: that my husband and I have a good relationship and have our lives together, that my appearance can garner attention, that my children’s good behavior is a direct reflection of my parenting. Again, these desires aren’t all inherently bad, yet in my desire to let them define me and to help others see me in the best light, I see the Pharisee in me, and I am humbled.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church quotes Saint Augustine in describing humility; the virtue of rightly understanding our nature and identity within the order of creation: “Man,” wrote Augustine, “is a beggar before God.”

Have you experienced similar thought patterns as mine--the belief that the choices you make in your engagement and marriage need to reflect well on you, and the fall into pride? Recognizing the masks we wear hurts; removing them is painful. When I remind myself I am seen, and accepted by the Lord in this journey of growth even without my masks, I find myself consoled and encouraged to live more authentically. More humbly. To examine the roots of my desires and strive to align them with God’s glory, not my own.

This week, I encourage you to examine your own desires: do you want to achieve them to draw attention to yourself, or to Christ within you? I can assure you that I’m right there alongside you, trying always to break my habits of comparison and to pursue greater humility. In our rawness and weakness, we are loved all the same.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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4 Secular Novels Featuring Insights into Authentic Love + Catholic Marriage

STEPHANIE CALIS

Can non-spiritual reading have a place in your formation and prayer life?

Catholic author Walker Percy said, “Fiction doesn’t tell us something we don’t know. It tells us something we know but don’t know that we know.” 

The Catholic faith offers us a rich treasury of theologians, ancient and contemporary, who have shed light on Scripture, the sacraments, prayer, and more, in a language we can comprehend in our humanness. And certainly, there are a wealth of resources on relationships and sacramental marriage, in particular.

I’ve found my world-view changed for the better by the religious works I’ve encountered on love and marriage. Yet the truth is, I’ve never felt entirely comfortable admitting that spiritual reading isn’t my favorite genre. 

A lifelong literature lover, it’s taken time for me to articulate what I now deeply believe to be true: stories that convey goodness, truth, and beauty--those that reveal the nature and purpose of the human person and human love--can be just as powerful as theological writing in showing us who we are and directing our hearts to God. 

While spiritual writing provides a good and necessary framework and lens for our understanding, literature, for me, brings these truths to life in a tangible, embodied way as we experience characters’ interior lives. Together, they supplement one another and offer an enriching education in self-knowledge, love, and faith.

Here, for fiction lovers like me, a selection of novels beyond perennial Catholic favorites like Austen, Waugh, O’Connor, Percy, and Berry, that illuminate the human heart and offer life-giving insights into love and marriage.

A Place for Us, Fatima Farheen Mirza

This story of estranged siblings and parents re-entering each other’s lives for a wedding jumps seamlessly through time and memory, sharing such recognizable, true-to-life accounts of longtime marriage, growing up with siblings, experiencing your first love, and the pain of distance and division. I finished this book in tears, filled with the hope that no matter how imperfect our earthly relationships might be, our hope lies in our resurrection at the heavenly wedding banquet.

Sample passage: “I have looked up at this sky since I was a child and I have always been stirred, in the most secret depth of me that I alone cannot access, and if that is not my soul awakening to the majesty of my creator then what is it?”

Circe, Madeline Miller

The centuries-long lifetime of the witch from The Odyssey, who famously turned men into pigs, is reimagined in this beautiful novel. Reading about the Greek gods’ immortal nature—and Circe’s resulting years of solitude and loneliness—I was repeatedly struck by the fact that eternal life means nothing without the divine Beloved; the Bridegroom. It is the love of God that gives meaning to our creation and existence.

What’s more, I found myself deeply moved by the incarnational, embodied dimension of love, as this book explores through the nature of gods and men: Christ took on human flesh and a mortal life out of love. Our mortality is not the end of the story.

Sample passage: “I have aged... Sometimes I like it. Sometimes I am vain and dissatisfied. But I do not wish myself back. Of course my flesh reaches for the earth.” 

Saints for All Occasions, J. Courtney Sullivan

How does the Lord work within the discernment choices we make? After sacramentally entering into a vocation and experiencing doubts, does it matter? This bittersweet story of two Irish Catholic sisters who immigrate to Boston in the mid-twentieth century delves into the daily rituals and intimacies that make up both married and religious life, with encouragement to seek God’s will in all things.

Sample passage:  “Think of a marriage, husband and wife. The piece of paper, the white wedding dress, they don't promise anything. A person has to stay there, fight for it, every day.” 

The Remains of the Day, Kazuo Ishiguro

Love as an act of the will, rather than a flight of emotion, is integral to an authentic communion that imitates Christ’s own love. Is it possible, though, that an overcommitment to duty over emotion can become a source of regret?

As I read this story of an English butler and his relationships with his master and a fellow, female servant, I considered how the things we don’t say frequently speak as loudly as the things we do. I found it a poignant reflection on the human need for vulnerability and expressing affection.

Sample passage: “If you are under the impression you have already perfected yourself, you will never rise to the heights you are no doubt capable of.” 

I love pondering the ways in which the worldly echoes the sacred; the ways in which popular or secular media expresses a universal truth that aligns with human nature and the Catholic faith. What novels can you recommend for insights into love and marriage? Share in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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If You're in a Serious Relationship, What Are Appropriate Friendships With the Opposite Sex?

STEPHANIE CALIS

As you experience the gravity and commitment of engagement and new marriage--the weight of love, in the best way--have you wondered how your friendships with the opposite sex could, or should, change?

Photography: Meaghan Clare Photography, seen in Elise’s Wedding | Why It Matters That We’re Marrying in a Church, And Choosing Our Mass + Reception Locations

Throughout our relationship, my husband and I have learned the value of clear boundaries in friendships only through our error and blindness. There was the time his female study partner began sharing deep emotional scars with him, appreciating his sympathetic ear, only to develop romantic feelings for him. It made me wish they spent less time together. 

There was the period where I felt out of place at my first corporate job, as one of the youngest employees and as someone just beginning to navigate the social politics of office life. When I met a male technical writer who was also a recent hire, one who shared my sense of humor and had similar tastes in music and literature, we became fast friends.

My husband was hurt when he learned my friend spent significant time chatting one-on-one at my desk and that we shared inside jokes and instant-messaged throughout the workday, sometimes more frequently than I communicated with my husband himself. 

There have been the times of hesitancy when we have made plans with another couple and struggled with the awkwardness at being alone with the opposite-sex partner while waiting for the other to come home or meet up, not wanting the other person to feel uncomfortable.

What’s at the root of these experiences? My husband and I have been blessed with the grace to be honest and forthright with one another and have never wrestled with distrust or jealousy.

Perhaps, though, in the past we took our deep mutual trust for granted: in knowing our level of fidelity and commitment to each other, maybe it became too easy to be overly open with friends and to drift into conversations of an overly personal, intimate nature. 

If you’ve experienced something similar--that is, the challenge of establishing boundaries with your friends of the opposite sex while in a healthy relationship with your beloved--I encourage you to have a conversation with your fiancé or spouse about each of your expectations and opinions on the matter. The answers will look different for every couple; so long as a spirit of good will is present and your expectations are not rooted in envy, control, or fear, talking about your friendships will help you navigate them in a prudent way as you enter into marriage. 

Consider matters like not spending individual time with opposite-sex friends outside of professional or public settings, eschewing terms like “work husband” and “work wife” out of respect for your spouse, and avoiding keeping texts and emails private if your beloved inquires about them. Ask yourself: how can I honor my beloved?

I truly believe it’s possible to have authentically virtuous friendships with those of the opposite sex. Keep respect for your beloved at the forefront, cultivate an awareness of and sensitivity to any development of romantic or emotional attachment and establish boundaries accordingly (either by confronting the issue or limiting time together, particularly if your friend is single), and invite your friends into your life as a couple, not as individuals, when possible.  

What about your female friendships? Read 3 Tips for maintaining quality time with your girlfriends after your wedding day.

Writer and Christian convert Sheldon Vanauken describes falling in love with his wife Davy in his memoir A Severe Mercy. As they grew in trust and tenderness, Sheldon and Davy expressed a desire to nurture their relationship by means of a boundary that would protect their hopes to serve one another over themselves and to let love flourish; they called it “The Shining Barrier.” 

What The Shining Barrier signified, he says, “was simply this question: what will be best for our love? Should one of us change a pattern of behavior that bothered the other, or should the other learn to accept? Well, which would be better for our love? Which way would be better, in any choice or decision, in the light of our single goal: to be in love as long as life might last?”

As you and your beloved develop your own shining barrier, your own ways to prioritize your vocation, may clarity, freedom, confidence, and peace be poured out over your relationships.

We’d love to hear your own experiences of how your opposite-sex friendships have changed throughout serious dating, engagement, and marriage. Share your stories in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media.    

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Stressed By All the Tasks and Projects of Wedding Planning and Newlywed Life? Words of Wisdom from St. Teresa of Calcutta.

STEPHANIE CALIS

When asked where she drew the energy to serve the poorest, sickest, and most unseen individuals of her city day after day, St. Teresa of Calcutta expressed that time and attention are gifts to be given from one human heart to another. It wasn’t about quantity, she emphasized, because “love is inefficient.”

Love is inefficient. A privileged world away from the streets of India, these words rang out nonetheless as I prepared to enter into my vocation. 

Throughout my engagement, and on into marriage and young family life, I have experienced love’s inefficiency and am better for it.

I experienced it the afternoon my husband and I met halfway between Pennsylvania and West Virginia and attempted to create a wedding registry in a single afternoon. Arguments ensued as we felt the temptation to materialism and pressure of limited time together. 

I experienced it in my desire to spend significant time with each of our wedding guests as we circled the tables at our reception, wishing I could sit down for an extensive catchup while knowing there were dozens of other friends and family members to greet. Feeling the tension of being gracious for photos and hugs alongside the need to continue moving through the room.

I experienced it in our new apartment after our honeymoon, frequently prioritizing cleaning, unpacking, decorating, and thank you notes over quality time with my husband. And I continue experiencing it now, fighting digital distractions and my desire for an orderly home while striving to be present and attentive to my children. 

Have you been through something similar? A goal with a need for convenience and speed--a need for efficiency--that can come at the cost of your relationships and your spiritual life.

Wedding planning and the transition to married life bring with them countless tasks to resolve and check off, yet I’m reminded that love is my ultimate vocation and ultimate priority: reverence and thanks to the Father who has given these gifts and opportunities; sacrifice for and sincere attention to my family.

Though I remain far from perfect in this dimension of love, I’ve often recognized that perceived inefficiencies and inconveniences that I view as slowing me down until I can enjoy the “real” goal of time, conversation, and leisure with those I love, aren’t actually steps along the path to an end point at all. Instead, the Lord repeatedly shows me that in detours and on the path itself, I am prompted to embrace inefficiency and be present for the moment in which he has placed me. 

If that means our wedding registry could have been broken down into separate tasks as my husband and I enjoyed our weekend together instead of running to accomplish as much as possible; if the dishes aren’t done but I’ve gotten to read on the couch with my kids, what might seem like inefficiency is, in reality, an opportunity for connection, encounter, intimacy. An opportunity for a greater love.

What might seem like a distraction or inconvenience from a task at hand can, with a changed perspective, become invitations to realize our own poverty: without the Father, we’re capable of nothing.

When we reject the idols of efficiency and productivity in wedding planning and in daily married life, we allow ourselves to step forward in trust, to embrace his mercy, and to let our eyes be opened to a true seeing and deeper understanding of those we are called to love.

We love hearing your experiences and growing together in sisterhood. What areas of engagement or newlywed life have brought you struggles with efficiency, and how have you overcome them? Share in the comments and on our social media.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Is There a Definition of a "Catholic Wife?" How I Found My Identity in the Feminine Genius.

STEPHANIE CALIS

So many of us pray throughout engagement and marriage to be good and holy wives. What does that actually mean, and how does it look in each woman’s life? For several years, I struggled to define who a holy, truly “Catholic” girlfriend, fiancee, and wife actually was.

Photography: Dennis Crider Photography, c/o The Mantilla Company

I first heard the term “feminine genius,” as coined by Saint John Paul II in his apostolic letter on the dignity and vocation of women, on a summer retreat. The retreat introduced me to the letter and to Love and Responsibility, John Paul’s work illuminating the dignity and purpose of the human person, particularly as it relates to sexual ethics, the complementarity of men and women, and the real-life implications of how men and women relate to one another. 

These texts wrecked me, in the best way. My simpler, more youthful deas of love as feelings and gestures were torn down, replaced with the principles that love is an act of the will. Self-gift.

I attended the retreat with my college boyfriend. To be in a serious dating relationship, while reading a book about dating and all the potential obstacles to authentic love, struck me with insecurity. All of these ideas--love over utility, sincerity, honesty, chastity--grabbed my heart and made so much sense, yet they seemed like impossible standards. 

As a result, for several months I overanalyzed the nature of complementarity: I wondered if my actions communicated a sense of receptivity that the Pope said was integral to womanhood,while letting my boyfriend take a more initiating, leadership-focused role. I frequently questioned if I was living in a way that was truly “feminine.” 

My heart lived in a tension: I desired to be what I mistakenly perceived as the holiest type of Catholic woman, while also resisting passivity or weakness. When I was so concerned with whether I was being feminine in the right way, I wasn’t free.

Have you ever had a similar experience, wishing to be a prayerful, feminine, holy wife who is also a woman of strength and conviction? I found freedom in looking to Our Lady.

As I returned to school after the retreat and began attending a Marian prayer group, I delved into the mysteries of the Rosary for the first time. As I grew in devotion to Our Lady, I realized there is no single “type” of feminine genius, nor type of Catholic spouse, I needed to live by or fit into, because it is already there, integral to who we are. 

Within the term feminine genius there are as many ways to express femininity as there are unique, unrepeatable women in this world. Each of us is loved and willed into existence so specifically, with our own particular gifts.

If you find yourself looking for your purpose, particularly in preparations for marriage, I invite you to contemplate Mary as our ultimate womanly example. In her Magnificat at the Visitation, she joyfully proclaims, “my soul magnifies the Lord.” 

As women, we deeply desire to be seen. We can also help others to see the presence of the Lord. Mary proclaimed God’s love--magnified it--with her life. A prayer to do just that--to reveal God’s love to your husband, in body and spirit--radiates the Lord’s love. 

Where I used to mistakenly believe femininity meant a singularly calm, pious womanhood, I now know, through Mary’s making visible God’s love, that in reality the Father wants and needs women of all temperaments, spiritualities, hobbies, and strengths to make known his kingdom through their vocations. Only you can tell your story and share the love of God in a particular way; can love and sanctify your husband and future family in the ways they most deeply need.

The only true definition of a “Catholic wife” is the one specific to who you alone were created to be.

When I met and began dating my husband, there was an immediate ease. I saw “...that femininity doesn’t mean one thing only: it’s not always being the asked, never the asker; always the pursued, never the pursuer; always the comforted, never the comforter. It doesn’t mean being afraid to argue or voice strong opinions. It means loving my husband, in his uniqueness, and every person I encounter, in the specific way only I can.” 

My favorite Adoration chapel has a monstrance in the form of a wooden sculpture of Our Lady, holding out her arms. In her arms is the space for the Eucharist. We see how a woman is both holding--receiving--and magnifying her for all to behold. If we look to her, we can constantly revisit what it means to reveal him to others and bear his face, not our own, to the world.

In our identity as brides, the feminine genius calls women to be like a monstrance: only a vessel--a beautiful one, in soul and body--for revealing the Lord to our beloved, magnifying his love and presence to others. 

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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What are the Non-Negotiables in Your Relationship?

STEPHANIE CALIS

Do you and your fiancé or spouse ever experience a desire for order and ritual within your relationship?

As someone who resists the feeling of being boxed into any one identity or image, and who struggles with personal accountability in schedules and routines, I used to think living by a set of particular daily practices or principles--in my mind, a set of “rules”--were a limitation.

Photography: Horn Photography & Design

After seasons of struggling with purpose, intentionality, and motivation, I’ve begun to realize that incorporating an appropriate degree of order into my daily life and my marriage aren’t limiting: in reality, they create a greater sense of freedom.

Freedom, for my husband and I, has felt tangibly, practically real in the experiences of not feeling enslaved to household responsibilities or to self-focused desires. It’s felt like our time can be used well and for the service of each other and our family. Our growth in this area is the fruit of a recent discussion in which we talked about our individual and family priorities; what we deemed “non-negotiables” in our life together.

Read the Spoken Bride team’s experiences with and tips for designating household responsibilities with your spouse. 

The non-negotiables my husband and I identified for our marriage are: family dinner, daily walks together with our children, going to bed at or close to the same time as each other, and providing each other with time alone for prayer (the daily readings, Holy Hours or daily Mass) and renewal throughout the week (for my husband, it’s a weekly hockey league he plays in with his brothers, and for me, it’s time for journaling and running errands on my own).

I encourage you and your beloved to communicate about your own non-negotiables, whether you’re in the state of anticipating your future marriage, whether you’re adjusting to the new habits and closeness of newlywed life, or whether, like me, you’ve been married several years and are eager to refocus on your priorities as a couple. Recognizing one another’s love languages can provide great context for identifying your needs. 

Here, suggested starting points for creating your own list. You might create a list divided into different areas of your life, as cited below, or into daily, weekly, and monthly priorities.

Spiritual

Identify concrete times and ways to pray together. Consider incorporating daily prayers like the Rosary or Liturgy of the Hours, committing to confession, Adoration, and/or daily Mass several times per month, celebrating particular days in the liturgical year, or a establishing a continual practice of reading and discussing the same spiritual book.

Find spiritual reading recommendations--including Theology, literature, and books on love and marriage--here.

Physical

Exercise and physical activity promote discipline and healthy ambition in all areas of your life. If working out--individually or together--is a priority for you, include it in your non-negotiables.

What’s more, in our creation as full persons, body and soul, the physical extends beyond exercise and looks to the relational. Discuss your outlook and needs regarding physical touch with your beloved, and determine ways appropriate to your relationship (whether engaged or married) to express affection. My husband and I, for instance, try to sit down on the couch together to chat and cuddle after our kids go to bed, before we begin our evening chores or leisure. I cherish the time spent reconnecting.

Read reflections on how a regular running habit helped one of our brides prepare emotionally, spiritually, and physically for marriage. 

Service

Are there particular responsibilities and sacrifices you can take on for the good of each other? Particularly for those whose love language is acts of service, daily assistance with chores and, God willing, family life, can be a meaningful non-negotiable that minimizes overwhelm and provides opportunities for sacrificial love. Your non-negotiables list might include matters like a nightly tidying up or making the bed in the morning.

Consider, as well, if service to your community--through weekly or monthly commitments to ministry, corporal works of mercy, volunteer work, or helping family and friends--is a high priority for your relationship.

Leisure

Identify ways you and your beloved can use your free time for both personal renewal and for nurturing your relationship. Depending on your individual temperaments and state in life, leisure preferences can widely vary, and are worth communicating about honestly.

Discuss ways to embrace leisure time in ways that leave the both of you feeling restored and close to one another: consider weekly or monthly date nights, designated times of day where your phones stay in another room, or pursuing shared hobbies.

Tired of the endless Netflix scroll? Read 8 inspired, non-TV ideas for your quality time

Although my husband and I aren’t perfect at meeting our daily, weekly, and monthly non-negotiables, simply having identified and committing to them has brought a deeper sense of purpose, intention, and yes, freedom, to our life, particularly in our season of raising a young family. We’d love to hear yours, as well. Share your non-negotiables (whether official or unofficial) in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Newlywed Life | When Your Relationship Feels Stuck in a Rut

STEPHANIE CALIS

At 23, I thought I was entering into marriage without any veils of illusion or idealism, understanding that love runs far deeper than emotion. Yet there’s an undyingly romantic part of my heart that still expected married life would be a constant adventure.

Photography: Kirsten Ann Photography

I found myself surprised, then, when several months into our vocation my husband and I both found ourselves...restless. We were far from family and seeking community, eating similar meals each week, watching The Office every night. Even as we savored the newlywed days of discovering what our life together would look like, we searched for a sense of direction.

We craved routine, but didn’t want to be bored. We knew we weren’t one another’s ultimate earthly fulfillment, yet still desired to feel fulfilled.

Have you experienced a relationship rut like this? Maybe your own sense of restlessness has looked like mine, in the form of seeking more variety in your newlywed life after the activity-filled periods of your wedding planning and honeymoon. Maybe it’s a lack of quality time together in seasons of travel, deployment, or new parenthood.

While I can attest to the benefits of resisting idleness, pursuing new hobbies together, and establishing meaningful morning and bedtime routines, I also encourage you not to push your restlessness aside, eager to fill it and move on. Instead, lean into your sense of hunger. Ask  yourself why that sense has taken root.

In my experience, Saint Augustine’s famous words that only in the Lord do we find true rest are the reason I ache. A longing for the Lord--the source of all beauty, fulfillment, joy, adventure--is why I find myself particularly unsatisfied on the days I don’t pray, the days I can’t stop the social media scroll, the days I selfishly prioritize myself over my husband and children.

It’s good to shake up my routines, to seek new pursuits that make my mind and soul come alive, to create a sense of order within my day. Yet I remind myself these goods can become distractions if I forget they’re rooted in who I am: a person, willed out of love and made for more than this world.

When this deepest truth of my identity gets pushed aside for worldly things, that’s when boredom and restlessness settle in. Pope Benedict XVI wrote, “this aspiration in the human heart is indelible...the thirst for the infinite that dwells in men and women is not slaked. Instead a frantic, sterile search for ‘false infinites’ begins, that can satisfy them at least for a moment...We must uproot all the false promises of the infinite that seduce men and women and enslave people. Truly to rediscover ourselves and our identity, to live our dignity, we must return to recognizing that we are creatures, dependent on God. The possibility of a truly free and full life is linked to recognizing this dependence — which in our inmost depths is the joyous discovery of being God’s children.”

In those early days of marriage as my husband and I struggled against what felt like the mundane, the Father, in his loving grace, gently drew our focus back to him. I felt a pull on my heart to invite him into my daily tasks and maintain a dialogue of prayer throughout the day; truly, this practice began to center me. My husband and I began attending weekly Adoration hours and gradually became involved in ministries and relationships at our parish.

We found when we followed through on commitments related to our personal holiness and worked on developing a shared spiritual life, the restlessness faded into the background. We felt more alive in our marriage and our daily responsibilities. At the same time, everyday rituals and hobbies came more easily and organically; there was less Netflix scrolling and more seeking beauty, more long walks to explore our new state, more literature, more putting our phones away.

What’s more, the mundane suddenly didn’t seem so difficult. Daily prayer and a sense of intention in our actions brought a new sense of contentment and purpose to laundry, dishes, and errands. Even less-fun tasks felt more meaningful when I stopped to remind myself that this, a shared life with a man who cherished and sanctified me, was what I always dreamed of.

I still recall this sentiment several years later, as our daily lives are heavily focused on raising our young children. These are the days I prayed for; may I not lose sight of these gifts.

Boredom, I now realize, is the Lord urging us to return our gaze to him.

The parable of the Prodigal Son comes to mind when we find ourselves in a rut: it is a hunger, an ache for more, that leads him to seek that which is away from God. Ultimately, it is that same hunger that brings him home, back to rejoicing and to the true feast.

If your own current season feels aimless, restless, or boring, I encourage you to sit for a moment in your feelings. Embrace quiet or discomfort, and listen for the Father’s voice. What is it he is calling you to?

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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What is a Culture of Encounter? Creating One on Your Wedding Day + Beyond

STEPHANIE CALIS

What can 21st century brides learn from a priest and sister who lived one hundred years ago?

Encounter is a gift women uniquely are able to give.

Photography: Laura Gordon Photography, seen in Elizabeth + Matthew | Ethereal Irish Castle Wedding

Blessed James Alberione and Venerable Mother Thecla Merlo, two founding members of the Daughters of Saint Paul, recognized the mediums of film, music, radio, and literature as goods that can share with the world what is true, good, and beautiful. Against the odds of transatlantic travel, the Great Depression, limited resources, and fear, Father Alberione and Mother Thecla’s conviction in the Father’s call ultimately led to the establishment and development of a thriving, faithful order of sisters.

The Daughters of Saint Paul travel the U.S. and worldwide using media to evangelize, and have hubs in several cities across the country. In these cities, the order’s materials and publications are sold in stores known as Books & Media Centers.

On a recent visit to the sisters’ Provincial House in Boston, I was struck by one of Father Alberione’s thoughts on his mission and took a picture of a plaque expressing them: the order’s book centers, he said, “are not places of business, but centers of light and warmth in Jesus Christ. The book center is not like any other book store. It is a ‘church’ where the Word of God is distributed...it is sacred...Light, holiness, and joy are the goals sought. The counter is a pulpit.”

The counter is a pulpit. This idea echoed a deep desire I feel to help those I encounter throughout the day--however briefly or extensively--to feel seen and heard.

Making meaningful eye contact with someone, conveying sincere interest in him or her even in the answer to the simple question how are you?, wishing them a good day; all these actions reveal a Christ-like love and tap into something essential: the human heart’s longing to be known.

In the nature of femininity and womanhood, I see a particular ability to help others (even including strangers) feel valued and known. To create a culture of encounter--one that seeks to acknowledge and respect another’s dignity, to push past surface-level interaction, to look up from our phones. The word encounter conveys a true seeing and a dissolving of walls. That’s a dynamic--a culture--I want to help create.

Saint Edith Stein wrote, “the destiny of every woman is to be bride and mother.” Your personal pulpit might not be a store counter, but in the workplace, in your family, on your wedding day.

The sister hosting my visit described how the order’s centers are true their name. Genuinely, she said, they are centers of conversation, trust, and faith. She described how visitors quickly sense they’re in the presence of those who will closely listen to them. Frequently, these guests will share past or current struggles and pour out their stories.

When we, as women, receive another’s story with respect and attention, we give a gift of encounter. Every woman, no matter what her vocation, career, hobbies, or personal style, is called to receive love and let her love be received as a gift. She is called to be a shelter for others’ hearts, a refuge. She is called to a rich interior life--Our Lady herself, an ultimate example of womanhood, “kept all these things” at the birth of her son, “reflecting on them in her heart.” In moments of transcendence and of the ordinary alike, as women our gifts of receptivity and interiority allow us to communicate love and attention to all we encounter.

What does encounter look like on your wedding day? It looks like letting your love speak for itself, drawing your guests to enter into the Mass. It looks like a few moments to hug or shake hands with guests during your reception meal. It looks like showing attention and care to your bridal party and families. It looks like total receptivity.

All of it points to an encounter with the one is love himself. Like Our Lady in her joy at the Visitation, let your soul “magnify the Lord.”

Not every interaction you engage in will be profound or lengthy, nor should it create a spirit of moral superiority or righteousness. Developing habits of attention and receptiveness to others, though, is an embodiment of who we are: brides, women, with a particular genius for encounter.

Consider what it is you desire to embody and reveal to others with your unique strengths. Aim to reveal the love of God: a love that is particular, unconditional, all-encompassing, abundantly merciful, and forever faithful.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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