Newlywed Life | Lessons in Love from Quarantine
/STEPHANIE CALIS
If hours spent indoors alongside my husband, inhabiting the same four walls for days on end has revealed anything to me, it’s this: in marriage, there is nowhere for me to hide.
And as we enter our eleventh month of quarantine amid COVID-19, I’m actually grateful for the purification we’ve undergone. In these months of increased isolation, my shortcomings have never been more pronounced. To acknowledge them, rather than to hide, has been an ongoing pursuit.
Photography: Shannon Acton Photo, seen in Sandra + Shaheen | Glamorous Orange County Wedding
Has your relationship undergone something similar? Being home together more frequently than we ever have before has shown my husband and I who we are, and on the best days, has given us the resolve to be more who the Lord calls us to be. If the pandemic has also brought you and your spouse to this level of deeper--and sometimes, more painful--vulnerability, here I’m humbly sharing some of the lessons and fruits I’ve experienced:
It’s okay to do things differently.
In the early weeks of lockdowns, my husband and I bickered constantly over our daily routines: what was the better way to load the dishwasher? Why didn’t he make the bed right after waking? Why did I let unread texts and emails accumulate in my notifications?
While it sounds blatantly obvious to recognize that most daily tasks have no moral dimension, we struggled so frequently with thinking our personal ways of doing things were the only way. As time passed, we talked about inviting the divine into the mundane of our routines--that is, remembering even with our differing habits, we’re on the same team for life.
Apology is a language.
Much like receiving love, receiving and accepting apologies takes on particular meaning to every person. Have you and your spouse ever discussed your “apology language”? Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, cites “expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting,” and “requesting forgiveness” as distinct languages of apology. I encourage you to talk with your spouse about what words and actions you each find most impactful and provide the most closure on an issue. This apology quiz by Dr. Chapman can help illuminate ways to facilitate meaningful apologies in your relationship.
In a time when my husband’s and my tempers have flared more frequently, quick apology and sincere forgiveness have made a noticeable difference in the overall tenor of our days.
Loving encouragement is a skill you can develop.
My husband and I trust each other with our failings and try to receive correction humbly and honestly. Emphasis on try. In these months at home, there has been such a stripping away of myself before the man who calls me on at my worst and still sees the best in me.
It’s become increasingly clear to us that how we call each other on is just as important as when we do (that is, not when one of us is preoccupied or when our kids require our presence and attention), and what issues we choose to bring up with one another. Instead of saying things like “Man, can’t you put your phone down?”, something more like “Is all this constant internet time the most fulfilling thing for you right now?” expresses the same sentiment in a constructive, thought-provoking way. Words matter, and my husband and I have been challenged to make our communication more loving and clear.
Enter into your shortcomings--but don’t stay there.
In quarantine there is, quite literally, no place to run. What could be an occasion to turn inward in my shame has instead shown itself to be an opportunity to go outside of myself--confronting my weakness instead, and allowing the Lord to bring my husband and I into a deeper union.
Deciding to own up to my bad habits and daily failures hurts. But like removing any disease or poison, there is restoration on the other side of the pain. If I were to deny my mistakes, rationalize them, or refuse to believe I’m ever in the wrong, I can only imagine a bone-deep sense of loneliness. When I ask my husband’s forgiveness for my instances of impatience, bad moods, or criticism, I’m realigning myself with him, knowing that to be in error alongside him is more consoling--and more productive--than remaining unapologetic in my pride, alone.
If the pandemic has left your home life struggling, know you aren’t alone. Communication, apology, and mercy are foundational skills we can always grow in, with the help of grace and the support of a loving spouse. Whenever the time comes that my husband and I are no longer working from home and together nearly 24/7, I pray I’ll look back on this time as one of great growth.
About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more