These Projects Not Included in Pre-Cana Helped Me Prepare for Marriage Like Nothing Else.
/STEPHANIE CALIS
If you’ve ever put an IKEA bookshelf together with your beloved from start-to-finish, hosted a dinner party with him, or played multiple rounds of Boggle together, all with zero bickering or arguments, I would like to know about it.
I have always found comfort and motivation in the fact that the Church is forever steadfast in her teachings, offering us something beyond just dogma and instruction. She challenges us, through mercy and grace, to go beyond teaching and enter into practice.
If a foundational teaching of marriage is that this gift exists so spouses’ “mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man,” then a foundational practice we’re invited into is loving our spouses with this Christ-like love: sanctifying, life-giving, and without end.
So much easier said than done.
I remember, during marriage prep with our mentor couple, saying in one conversation that I couldn’t wait to put everything we were learning into practice. “But you already are,” said one of our mentors. Wedding planning, creating a website and registry, browsing honeymoon destinations, and more, she pointed out, were all endeavors that employed our aptitudes (or lack thereof) for clear communication, ready forgiveness, and compromise.
Now, having been through the planning experience and having seen my husband’s many facets revealed more deeply over time, I once again see the fruits of entering together into the place where teaching and practice meet--and actively seeking occasions to embody a love more like Jesus’s own.
If you find yourself wishing for the same, praying to become the best spouse you can be as your wedding draws near, I’ve found the following projects to be surprisingly telling and sanctifying, showing my husband and I more of who we are and the specific ways we’re called to love one another.
Furniture and decorating
When I met my husband, I’d sometimes plunk down on the grass in the middle of my college campus at night, looking up at the stars and laughing; giddy at having found someone who understood me so well even at the outset and who loved so many of the same things I did.
Fast forward to two years later, though, and by the standard of what items we were drawn to for our wedding registry and future home, we seemed to have practically nothing in common.
You and your beloved might not share identical tastes in home decor, either, and it’s okay! Learning one another’s preferences, compromising on looks or price when appropriate, and seeing each other’s habits in action as we assembled and arranged furniture together has ultimately helped us create a comfortable home we both love and that reflects who we are, together.
Driving and Following Directions
How much time and preparation does each of you build in when leaving for an appointment or event? Does a wrong turn stress you out or not feel like a huge deal?
It took a few too many short-tempered drives to restaurants and friends’ houses before my husband and I talked clearly about how we each preferred to drive and navigate. Questions like, “Do you want to hold the map (phone) or have me read it?,” “What can I help you do before we leave?”, and “How much of my input do you want if we get lost?” have made our car conversations so much more peaceful.
Games
The online game nights my husband and I have participated in during quarantine have held up a mirror to the ways we treat each other when we’re (literally) on the same team. Partnering with your beloved, whether you prefer sports, board games, or vids, reveals each of your degrees of competitiveness, decision-making habits, creativity in problem-solving, and ways you critique one another. When taken as a pursuit of growth and healthy communication, it’s a great feeling to take pride in each other’s strengths.
Related: Board Games Suggestions for an Enjoyable At-Home Date Night
Cooking/hosting
Do you love planning events rich with themes, details, and multiple courses, or do you prefer a more spontaneous approach to hosting? What about cleaning and preparing your home for guests? As with games, hospitality offers ways to grow as a united front (even if you aren’t living in the same home yet) and learn your beloved’s approach to plans, organization, and cooking.
It’s at the intersection of teaching and practice that we’re invited to love with the head and the heart. To express our inner knowledge by embodying it in our outer actions, quite literally putting that knowledge into practice. And what is the merging of inner and outer, after all, if not sacramental?
About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more