Wonder and Delight: Five Stories of C.S Lewis to Read during Engagement

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EMILY DE ST AUBIN

 

“We must not be ashamed of the mythical radiance resting on our theology. . . . We must not, in false spirituality, withhold our imaginative welcome. If God chooses to be mythopoeic . . . shall we refuse to be mythopathic? For this is the marriage of heaven and earth: Perfect Myth and Perfect Fact: claiming not only our love and our obedience, but also our wonder and delight . . .” -C.S. Lewis, Myth Became Fact

While we were dating and engaged, my husband and I spent about a year in separate states while he finished his master’s degree in Ohio and I worked in Colorado. 

As anyone who has dated long-distance knows, it can be hard to think of things to talk about during those long phone conversations and skype-sessions. We wanted to talk on the phone for hours but as the weeks apart dragged into months, and without shared experiences to discuss, we struggled to engage with each other. 

Once we were engaged and living in the same state, wedding planning, apartment hunting, and job searching took over our shared experience to such a degree that we were dying for anything to take our mind off it.

The best idea came to us totally by accident- Eddie (my now husband) couldn’t believe that I had never read The Chronicles of Narnia. C.S. Lewis was already my favorite author, but since I had been unimpressed by the movies they made based on his famous children’s series, I never felt compelled to read them. So we decided to read them aloud to each other over the phone.

We started with The Magician’s Nephew and read all the way through The Final Battle. Beyond the joy of just listening to each other’s voices for a while at the end of each day, it gave us something to discuss and draw meaning from––an experience we both longed for while long distance. While we were drowning in the details of wedding planning and preparing for our life together, it gave us a meaningful and lighthearted escape that drew us together.

Below you’ll find a list of five books from (or about) C.S Lewis to read with your fiancé during your engagement. I hope they help pass the time together, take your minds off the practical details, and reawaken your sense of pure, impractical wonder.

The Chronicles of Narnia

Arguably C.S Lewis’ most well-known work, The Chronicles of Narnia consists of seven stories from the marvelous fantasy world of Narnia.

These easy-to-read books are stuffed with enough metaphor, simile, and allegory to fuel a year’s worth of late-night conversations.

The Space Trilogy

This lesser-known science fiction series by C.S. Lewis is much stranger and geared more for adults than Narnia. In it, Lewis answers the questions surrounding salvation history here on Earth and life on other planets. Essentially, with this series he states, “If Jesus is the saviour, he must be the saviour of the entire universe.”

Till We Have Faces

Till We Have Faces, Lewis’ final and most masterfully written novel, is one of my all-time favorite books. In it, Lewis gives us a dark and deeply romantic retelling of the myth of Cupid and Psyche through the lens of Psyche’s embittered sister Orual.

While not as easy to read as some of Lewis’ other works, this book will invite conversation and contemplation between you and your fiancé.

The Great Divorce

This is a truly fun story about heaven and hell and the roads we all walk between the two every day. Reading it, I came to realize just how well Lewis understood the sinner’s heart.

The Great Divorce tells of an extraordinary bus ride to heaven and the journeys the passengers must take. This thought-provoking novel provides the reader plenty of ideas to discuss and learn from. My husband and I still reference this book and its characters at least once a month. 

A Severe Mercy

I’m not exaggerating when I say that the lessons in this book saved my life. In A Severe Mercy, author Sheldon Vanauken writes about finding God in the midst of his pagan love story. 

While not written by C.S. Lewis, the author plays an important role in the conversion of Vanauken and therefore, a pivotal role in what unfolds in this memoir. This moving story will make you cry like a little baby, but you’ll be glad you read it.

What books would you add to the list? Share your book recommendations on our Instagram page.

About the Author: Emily is a '15 graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville with a bachelor's of science in marketing. Since college, her experience in ministry has included teaching the Catholic faith through wilderness experiences in the Colorado Rocky Mountains with Camp Wojtyla, Core Team with her local LifeTeen, and participating in Young Adult groups throughout her many moves. Emily has been married to her husband Eddie for five years and they have three children together.

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Why We Should Stop Saying “Marriage is Hard”

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MARY DUFRESNE

 

As my fiancé and I near the end of our preparation for marriage, one thing that keeps ringing in my head is the often repeated phrase: “Marriage is hard.”

On too many occasions, this was the opening or closing statement from  married couples when we shared that we are engaged (or even when we were just dating).

I recognize that the intention might be good in telling this to a couple preparing for marriage, but why is it so often repeated? We do not often hear someone tell a seminarian or a woman about to enter the consecrated life “Oh wow, well just remember being a religious is hard.”

I have found the phrase to be, more often than not, a source of discouragement for young couples  rather than good counsel.

I do not suppose that any vocation is easy. Perhaps we repeat it for marriage because we worry the couple might have had too sweet a time in their period of dating or engagement.

However, I think most of us are actually very aware of the challenges that marriage and parenting will present. Society speaks many volumes to this point.

Engaged women (myself included) already occasionally experience  fear of tragedy or not having what it takes for marriage and motherhood. Constantly hearing the phrase “marriage is hard” can often draw out these fears and doubts even more.

I think we need to repeat more phrases that speak to the divine truths of this vocation like: “There are great graces to be received in the sacrament of marriage,” or “You have greater opportunities to encounter the glory of God in suffering beyond what you did before because for once—you will not be facing it alone.”

“Marriage is hard” relays that the engaged person has never encountered suffering in their life or that it is all too minuscule to count as  real suffering. Truly, there will be different kinds of suffering in marriage and parenting but  there will also be new and abundant graces through the sacrament.

Every vocation comes with its own particular sufferings and requires varying sacrifices. Suffering and joy go hand in hand while pursuing sanctity. Let us be courageous in our calling and ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen our “yes.”

When we see engaged couples, may we shout with joy and urge them to continue to seek the Lord’s will with zeal. May we speak of the joy, hope, and graces that are promised in the sacrament of matrimony.

Seeking holiness is hard. Pursuing the will of the Lord is hard. But that is the joy of it—that we cannot take any credit for the graces we are given to step into such a call. Our weaknesses might be highlighted at times, but those are the moments in which the Lord’s glory is revealed.

The Lord has prepared you for this and is continually preparing you. Have courage and know that there are graces given to you here—in this season and the next.

About the Author: Mary Dufresne completed her B.A. and M.A. in Theology at Ave Maria University and writes for Litany NYC, a Catholic ethical clothing line. Mary is looking forward to marrying her beloved this May!

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Reflecting on Our Engaged Encounter Weekend, Five Years Later

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GENEVIEVE ALLEN

 

Recently, on a sunny pandemic afternoon, my husband Dalton and I pulled out our old workbooks from our Engaged Encounter weekend and read them in our backyard while our kids played outside. Five years before, we had written in these books, completely unaware of what marriage would actually look like in practice. It was sweet and sobering--and often hilarious--to read our responses to the prompts, as young and inexperienced as we were. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: FENIX PDE

PHOTOGRAPHY: FENIX PDE

To give you some context, our Engaged Encounter weekend took place over three days at a retreat house in Baton Rouge. There were cafeteria lunches, camp beds, and awkward conversations with fellow engaged couples. Three married couples and a priest presided over the activities. Most of the day was structured to be similar to a classroom-style setting, with our instructors telling us personal stories about different topics, such as budgeting, newlywed life, NFP and child-rearing. We would then have “breakout sessions” with our future spouses, in which we would discuss these topics on a personal level.

As you might imagine, the whole weekend was really designed to offer as much as we as a couple were willing to put into it. Dalton and I were earnest, writing extensively in our workbooks and often having conversations that produced tears--usually happy, occasionally frustrated or anxious.

I recommend this pre-cana weekend to anyone who is willing to really commit to using it as a tool to improve communication and trust prior to marriage. After reading through our workbooks again, some seemingly contradictory truths stuck out boldly to me:

You will change.

One thing that stood out to me is how young we seemed in our communication. The idealism oozed out of the pages as we confidently wrote about all of the things we expected marriage to be. There’s also no evidence in our past voices of the deep intimacy that comes with time. My responses were casual and flippant, often glossing over some of the real issues we finally came to discuss only after we were married. 

The kids who filled out those pages were mere outlines of the adults we are today. Who knows how we will change in the next 5, 10, 50 years from now? 

You won’t change.

Despite some of the superficial responses we gave back then, the raw material of our souls is written on those pages. There was a section to fill out about what we perceived to be our biggest flaws, and I was sorry to see, five years later, that mine remain the same.

There was also a section about what gifts we would bring to the marriage. Happily, Dalton and I have both developed a lot of these gifts, far beyond what we might have expected when we first discussed what they were. Dalton’s patience, for example, is seemingly boundless and somehow only increasing as we add more children to our family.

You get to decide.

One of the most fun aspects of the weekend is the time you spend discussing what your future family will look like. How will you celebrate holidays, develop traditions, raise children?

Dalton and I come from wonderful families, but there were a few things we decided we would like to do differently in our own. Like the founding fathers writing out our own Declaration of Independence, the joy and excitement of creating something new leaps off the pages of our workbooks. For example, we decided that we would prioritize family dinner time. We added a clause about occasionally calling an audible for a rare “treat night” where we would order takeout and watch a movie during dinner. We have consistently kept this law and this amendment to this day.

You won’t get to decide.

Our workbooks covered many of the important topics that a couple should discuss before marriage, but there are certain lessons that come only with time and experience. There are some things you won’t get to choose. 

Prior to our marriage, we had never discussed in any meaningful detail some of the most difficult parts of life, including our deepest fears and anxieties. In the five short years we have been married, we have encountered some of these together. When we said our vows at our wedding, the “worse” of “for better or for worse”--sickness, poverty, death--were all theoretical. Although we have no idea what is still to come in our lives and marriage, we still trust in the mercy and love of God--just like the naïve kids we used to be. 

About the Author: Genevieve currently practices as a lactation consultant and blogs with her sister Kat Finney for The Sister Post, a blog offering two perspectives on everything from spiritual discernment to baby gear. Genevieve and her husband Dalton began dating on the feast of St. Joseph. They have two children.

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How Lent Can Deepen Your Marriage Preparation

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MELISSA BUTZ

 

During our season of engagement, my fiance and I have spoken a lot about “dying to self” and what it looks like to put the other’s needs above our own. This idea ties in perfectly to the season of Lent, the time when we remember the sacrifice Our Lord made on the cross, giving His life for each one of us.

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBEY REZ PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBEY REZ PHOTOGRAPHY

The idea of "dying to self" completely goes against what society teaches us today. We are fed lies that "I" is more important than anyone else, including our spouses. 

Not only is it countercultural to put another first, but to go one step further and renounce something you desire, only to give another what they want instead... that's mind blowing! 

Yet, this is what spouses are called to do, and how they are called to live and love. The sacrament of marriage is a call to imitate Jesus in the way He loved his bride, the Church, giving up His very life for her and all its members - us! 

“Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ on behalf of his body, which is the Church.” 

For engaged couples, Lent can greatly deepen the season of preparation before they enter into marriage.  

Anticipate

Naturally, as in most every season of life and in the Church, there is the idea of waiting.

During the entire forty days of Lent, and most especially during the Triduum, the Church anticipates the Resurrection of our Lord. This mirrors the expectations and anticipation felt by the couple during the engagement period. 

Jesus' sacrifice on the cross was done purely out of love for us, paralleling the gift of self during marriage and the union that will shortly take place between the two individuals and Christ himself. It reminds couples of the fact that they must die, to only then be united in full spousal love.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines unity in marriage as, "a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul."   

Lent is a really beautiful time for engaged couples to contemplate the sacredness of the sacrament that will shortly take place and pray through the eagerness they feel before the wedding day, when they will offer themselves fully to the other.

Purify

The acts of giving something up and fasting during the forty days are purifying for both the individuals and the couple as a whole, as they take this step in their vocation. 

It prepares one to say "no" to his or her selfish desires in married life, so he or she can say "yes" to this new vocation and everything it entails. The “no” is necessary so the “yes” can take place and the couple can enter into the conjugal love of the sacrament. 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says that conjugal love "...not only purifies and strengthens" the couple but allows them “to grow continually in their communion through day-to-day fidelity to their marriage promise of total mutual self-giving."

This renouncing of self and quenching of greed during the forty days of Lent is the beginning of a much deeper purification. 

“You will fast… for in that day there will be expiation done for you in order to purify you.” 

Sin

Before entering into heaven, each person must endure a purification, to prepare his or her soul to receive God's love in all its fullness. This can either happen through sacrifices on earth or in purgatory. 

Both the bride- and groom-to-be can use this Lenten time to deny their desires, in order to help them overcome personal sins.

While nobody will ever be perfect, our God is a healing God. If we ask for the grace to resist temptation, He will always provide it. Then it's up to us to use it and get back up when we fall, always remaining close to Him.

Thus, taking these forty days to ask for help to overcome specific sins or asking for the grace to grow where necessary can reap many rewards.

“For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.”  

Prayer

Lent cannot exist without prayer. 

While contemplative prayer on our Lord's passion is important, intercessory prayer is one of the most powerful forms of prayer. In it, we join with the communion of saints, whose main goal is to intercede for us here on earth.

So then imagine intercessory prayer between a married couple, who are united sacramentally in a covenant with Jesus and the Church - it's stronger than anything!

A priest once advised me and my fiancè to pray one Hail Mary every night before going to sleep, and to offer it for the other’s intentions and struggles. He told us this simple prayer for the other is enough to transform spouses into Mary and Joseph, and ultimately lead to holy families. 

He stressed that we don’t have to pray an entire novena or rosary for the other, but just this simple act, prayed with love daily.

These forty days, while just a bit more than a month, can have a big effect on individuals before being joined together sacramentally.

Let's use this time to the best of our ability, to get in the habit of making little sacrifices and praying for each other each day. It's these little "no's" to personal desires that allow us to say "yes" to a beautiful, God-filled wedding and marriage.

About the Author: Melissa Butz brought her southern Georgia roots to Rome, Italy, where she is blessed with a view of St. Peter's Basilica everyday. She works as a TV journalist for Rome Reports, covering everything Pope Francis and the Vatican.

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Why We Did Marriage Prep Before Getting Engaged

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MELISSA BUTZ

 

For better or for worse, the number of couples who call off their wedding after they get engaged seems to be around 20 percent.

And it makes sense. Family demands from both sides, inevitable compromises while planning a wedding, and emotionally preparing for a life together make the engagement period stressful. There are also huge decisions to be made and plenty of learning curves, like where and how to buy your first house.

Catholic couples will also add a Pre-Cana wedding prep course offered by their local parish to the checklist, but that is usually the problem. All too often, Pre-Cana becomes another box to check off on the to-do list and another necessary document to present before saying “I do.”

But it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, when my boyfriend and I started talking about marriage after we had dated for three years in Rome, he had one request: we attend our Pre-Cana course before he asked me to marry him.

This tradition is very common in Italy, a country where the typical American “ring proposal on one knee” is quite rare. Most girls in marriage prep classes do not have an engagement ring and might not ever have one. The traditional gold wedding band is often the only ring ever worn on the left ring finger.

As an American, I imagined the proposal more than my wedding. The idea of a man getting down on one knee after asking for my father's permission seemed as “fairy-tale” as it could get--so I hated my boyfriend’s idea at first. It didn't help that my American friends could not wrap their minds around completing a Pre-Cana course before he asked if I wanted to marry him.

Niccolò, my now-fiancé, explained his personal conviction to me:

By completing our marriage prep course before becoming engaged, we would be able to treat it as a discernment course. We could prepare for the sacrament spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, without the distractions of planning a wedding. We could spot areas of weakness for improvement and focus on strengthening areas where we were already excelling as a couple.

Before signing up for classes at a parish in the center of Rome, Niccolò told me, “We have to go into this course with a spirit of discernment so pure, we will even be prepared to break up when it's over, if that's what we think God is calling us to do.” His goal was to truly listen to what God wanted for both of us. Thankfully, a few months after it ended, we got engaged instead!

Those months were our time to not only intentionally discern our vocation to marriage, which we had already done, but marriage to each other. After all, discernment and taking concrete steps toward what we believe we are called to is a serious part of the Catholic faith. Pre-Cana confirmed what we believed Christ wanted from both of us. We prayed our way through the whole course, lifted up our intentions, and were open about any fears that arose along the way.

My favorite part of our six months of marriage prep was talking to Niccolò about each session immediately afterward on our Saturday date night. We learned so much, and he helped translate any misunderstandings I had from our all-Italian classes.

Looking back, I would not do it any other way (even with Americans asking continuously if they had missed the announcement of our engagement). 

In fact, now that Niccolò and I are engaged, I feel like we can plan our wedding with the certainty that God has blessed both of us. We are on the right path, if only we keep trusting and looking to the Lord.

About the Author: Melissa Butz brought her southern Georgia roots to Rome, Italy, where she is blessed with a view of St. Peter's Basilica everyday. She works as a TV journalist for Rome Reports, covering everything Pope Francis and the Vatican.

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The Advent of Marriage

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

This new liturgical season brings me back to my engagement. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: JULIANA TOMLINSON

PHOTOGRAPHY: JULIANA TOMLINSON

In fact, I often described that season of my life as a “little Advent,” as it was marked with the same feelings of joyful expectancy and intense longing. 

Both seasons provide us with a chance to prepare our hearts, not only for a particular day, but also for the new life to come. 

However, far too often amidst the hustle and bustle of both seasons the joyful feelings wane and the seemingly never-ending to-do list takes its place.

It’s easy to forget that we are preparing for something much bigger than ourselves. 

I found myself wishing away that season of my life. 

Honestly, once we completed our marriage preparation, it was hard not to want to grab the nearest priest and get the whole thing over with right then and there. 

I couldn’t wait to get to the day after the wedding, where we could start enjoying our new life as husband and wife. 

However, the joy of Christmas cannot truly exist without the anticipation of Advent. 

The longing helps us fully taste the sweetness of the gift that will be given. 

Engagement changes the relationship between a man and a woman. Their relationship is deeper than their season of dating, but they have not yet experienced the consummation of it found within the sacrament of marriage. 

The desire for oneness with your soon-to-be spouse is at its height. The longing for a life spent growing in love with your future husband intensifies. 

The anticipation helps remind us of what we have to look forward to. And when you finally reach the day where you enter into that holy covenant, your longing turns into a profound rejoicing. 

The ache for marriage during the season of engagement mirrors our souls’ ache for unity with God. It can be uncomfortable, even painful at times. 

But more than anything, it is good. 

If you allow it, that desire can be the purifying fire that refines our hearts to more fully receive, not only our husbands, but Christ Himself. 

Embrace the longing; don’t run hide from it. Enter into it with a prayerful heart willing to be transformed.

Let yourself experience the joy in the waiting, so you can more completely enter into the joy that awaits you.

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Emotions and Will in a Season of Waiting

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STEPHANIE FRIES

 

Seasons of waiting and preparation are inherent to the Catholic liturgical calendar. Both Lent and Advent are significant and intentional times to ready our minds and hearts for a new encounter with Christ--through both his birth and his death and resurrection. 

Similarly, seasons of waiting and preparation are embedded into our personal lives, especially in times leading up to significant encounters of relationship. 

Engagement is a space prior to a wedding. Pregnancy is a space prior to the birth of a child. The passage of time can often be a trigger for the rise and fall of emotions. How we manage, process and project those emotions is part of our personal journey toward holiness. 

In the Gospel of Matthew, we are instructed to “be perfect, just as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” In our earthly pursuit of sanctification, we can learn from the perfect human hearts of Jesus and Mary. 

Fully human yet divine in nature, we see that both Jesus and Mary, in their separate experiences of approaching death and childbirth, respectively, were affected by feelings of impatience, fear, or anticipation. 

In the sorrowful mystery of Jesus’ agony in the garden, we read Jesus experienced feelings of sorrow and distress in the final stages of his preparation. Keep in mind how, in many ways, his entire public ministry was all a part of the journey towards his new reality in heaven. The agony in the garden is not his solitary experience of anticipation, but a final culmination of waiting before the new journey to the cross begins. 

Despite his soul being filled with sorrow, he approached God in prayer three times, praying, “My Father, if it is not possible that this cup pass without my drinking it, your will be done!”

He feels the breadth and depth of sorrow, a deep emotional experience, and he admits the ache of his heart! Yet in the same sentence, he unites his own will to God’s will. He surrenders his sorrow to trust in God. 

We hear an echo of this surrender in Mary’s experience 33 years prior when she prepares to conceive, deliver, and raise Jesus as her own son. In the joyful mystery of the angel Gabriel’s Annunciation unto Mary, she responds with a question, a doubt: “How can this be?”  

The dialogue continues between the angel and Mary until she united the questions of her heart to God’s will and says, “May it be done to me according to your word.” Her pregnancy continued through additional experiences as she journeyed--emotionally and physically--to the birth of Jesus. 

In these stories, we read of two human beings who engaged in seasons of waiting with strong emotions, yet perfectly offered their will to God’s desire.  

The Liturgical seasons of the church are intentional times to help us reflect on the posture of our hearts as we approach the ever-new realities of our faith. Even more, the seasons of waiting embedded in our vocations as wives and mothers are real-life opportunities to turn reflections into practice.

As it was with the agony in the garden, the Annunciation or engagement and pregnancy, certain opportunities may be once-in-a-lifetime. This Advent, create a space in your heart for the season of waiting to implant itself deep into your heart so when the opportunity comes, you too can surrender your sorrow, fear, anxiety or doubt to the will of God the Father with hopeful trust.

About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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How to Support Engaged or Newly Married Catholic Couples

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CLARA DAVISON

 

People are created for community. For many engaged and newly married Catholic couples, community includes others in a similar stage of life. 

Over the last year-and-a-half since getting married, my husband and I have attended six weddings--and have many more on the calendar for the coming year! Suffice to say, wedding planning and marriage conversations are an ever-present aspect of our lives and the lives of those around us. 

As friends have approached us for advice as they prepare for their wedding day, my husband and I have discovered a new depth to our marriage. Through many conversations, both separate and together, we have enjoyed sharing and supporting others in their journey toward a Catholic marriage. 

Whether you are single, engaged, or married, we summarize four ways you can support other Catholic couples during their engagement and through their first year of marriage: 

Let the couple know you are praying for them—and pray for them

Continually reassure a couple of your prayers during their engagement and leading up to their wedding. This is an exciting yet stressful time in their lives and the assurance that they have friends continually lifting them up in prayer is so important. 

Whether it is praying a novena leading up to their wedding day, offering a special prayer on their monthly anniversary, or just saying a quick Hail Mary when you think of them, prayer is always an important way we can offer support to our couple friends. 

Ask about the less “exciting” and more serious aspects of wedding prep

Weddings are an exciting time and many people will ask about details  like dress shopping and gift registry ideas. But the more serious and important aspects of wedding preparation, such as pre-Cana, do not always receive the inquiry and reflection they deserve. 

Often, Pre-Cana classes and premarital counseling can be stressful for a couple as the magnitude of “to have and to hold ‘til death do us part” becomes a reality rather than a cute wedding tagline. During our engagement, it was difficult to find someone to talk to as I processed the more serious aspects of our wedding and marriage. 

Create space for your engaged friends to discuss the serious parts of preparing for marriage. Ask thoughtful questions to help draw the couple into meaningful conversations beyond just weddings flowers and bridesmaids’ dresses.  

Look for ways to serve the couple during the wedding day

Everyone loves weddings! It is a joy to see people you care about take this big step together; and really, who doesn’t love an excuse to dress up and gather with family and friends? But in the midst of the joyful celebrations, it can be  easy to forget that the couple can feel they just ran an emotional marathon. 

Leading up to my wedding, I was told jokingly that I wouldn’t get a chance to eat at my reception. To my surprise, I found this was the reality as I visited with guests. With this memory in mind, I always try to approach the bride and groom a few times throughout the day with offers of food, water, and an offer to run errands or fetch forgotten changes of shoes! 

Continue to reach out through the first year of marriage

After the wedding day, the marriage is only beginning. The wedding day is filled with family and friends offering love and support, but sometimes it is easy to forget that the couple needs support throughout their marriage. 

I try to reach out and offer support to newlywed couples throughout the first year of marriage, inviting them into conversations about the  ups and downs of early married life. Transitioning into married life is different for every couple, but regardless, support and love from friends is always appreciated.  

There are so many ways to support the couples around you in their engagement and first year of marriage! The primary focus is to simply be available and intentional in your relationships. 

What are some ways you have received or shown support to engaged couples or newlyweds? Share your experience with our community on Facebook or Instagram.

About the Author: Clara Davison has worked as a whitewater raft guide, sex trafficking researcher, U.K. Parliament researcher, swim coach, and freelance writer. She currently works in Brand Management and lives with her husband in North Carolina.   

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When Your Proposal Isn't Picture Perfect

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

It seems like there is a lot of pressure nowadays on the proposal to be just as photo-worthy as the wedding itself.

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURENTINA PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURENTINA PHOTOGRAPHY

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love seeing photos from that special moment and the story attached to it. I love hearing about how he asked, and I love celebrating the couple’s love for one another. 

But I also know the temptation to compare your story to someone else’s can sometimes feel overwhelming.

My husband asked me to marry him while sitting on a bench in a graveyard (yes, a graveyard). Without any fanfare or extra words, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. 

I had seen the proposal coming from a mile away so I didn’t gasp like you see in the movies, and I barely cried. My answer was simple and straightforward. 

We didn’t go home to a huge party with all of our loved ones, instead we went home to get ready for work. 

And while I wouldn’t have changed a thing about our proposal,  I was tempted to wish it was a more glamorous tale whenever another engagement announcement popped up on my news feed. 

Thanks to social media, it is far too easy to feel discontent when your life and your relationships don’t fit perfectly into those curated little squares. 

Maybe you dreamed about that moment since you were in high school and set unrealistic expectations that your finance could never live up to. Or something about it fell short of what you hoped for. 

Maybe, it was quieter. And maybe, that bothers you a bit when you scroll through your feed.

But your proposal story (or your wedding for that matter) doesn’t define your marriage. The highlights reel doesn’t make up for all the messy or hidden moments that purifies and strengthens a couple. 

The private and intimate moments throughout your life contain a sweetness that a quick shot on your iPhone can never contain.

Don’t give into the lies sowed by comparison and discontentment. 

Whether it began on a gorgeous, picturesque mountain top with a photographer or in the summer stillness known firsthand only to you and God, your season of engagement will see many of these hidden moments. 

Profound moments of growth and change, sorrow and beauty, joy and forgiveness--this is where you’ll find yourself becoming the person you were meant to be.

And in these moments, God dwells. 

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Stresses During Engagement Can Strengthen Your Marriage.

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KIKI HAYDEN

 

It is hard to thank God for the difficult situations in our lives, but each time we surrender to the Lord, he works a miracle in our hearts.

Honestly, I am grateful that Michael and I endured some trials before we got married. Engagement, while a joyful time, can also be a time of intense formation in preparation for marriage. It is an opportunity to wash each other's feet, to face challenges together, and to rely on Jesus as the source of your strength and love.

You and your fiancé are sharing many joys during this time, but probably some sorrows as well. If one of you suffers, so does the other, and this shared experience can happen at a whole new level now that you have committed to becoming a family. It feels raw and vulnerable. But Jesus teaches that intimate relationships involve serving each other—and being vulnerable enough to receive service.

One of the most tender moments in Scripture is when Jesus washes his disciples' feet. At first, Peter refuses to let the Lord wash his dirty feet, but Jesus explains that this service, although messy, is crucial to their relationship (John 13:4-17):

“Peter said to him, “You will never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “Unless I wash you, you will have no inheritance with me.” Simon Peter said to him, “Master, then not only my feet, but my hands and head as well.”

At first I, like Peter, was reluctant to allow Michael to serve me. I was determined to contribute equally to the relationship, and Michael expressed a similar sentiment. Neither of us wanted to be a "burden" to the other. But throughout our engagement, the Lord humbled us over and over again, sometimes in not-so-small ways. There were cockroach infestations, broken down cars, a minor surgery, a lost job, and even a death in the family.

With our pride stripped away, we were better able to humbly receive service and support from each other.

And as our relationship grew stronger, we realized it didn't matter if one of us was doing more serving and the other more receiving. We were becoming a family, and families don't keep score.

This lesson has been extremely important in our marriage as we continue to lean on each other. While some of our experiences during our engagement were sad, I can see now that the Lord didn't let any suffering go to waste. He used each trial, whether big or small, to bring us together and to teach us how to carry each other's crosses.

Furthermore, there is a whole new kind of challenge during engagement: making big decisions that affect you as a unit, as a family. Maybe you and your fiancé are deciding where to live after you get married, how to budget, or how to navigate the maze of wedding preparation. When there are bumps in the road, you are now affected as a couple. Two lives have already begun to become one.

One of our bumps in the road was our marriage paperwork. Through our own oversight, our files were lost somewhere between the Roman Catholic parish and the Byzantine Catholic parish. Many phone calls, emails, letters, visits to parish offices, and five months later, the files were in one place, and we were finally allowed to attend our first premarital counseling session.

We felt the effects of our mistake not as "my problem" or "Michael's problem", but as something we would have to solve together with God's help. At the time, I did not embrace these difficulties with grace. But looking back, I thank God for them.

During our engagement, we discovered that we can love each other, suffer together, and stay faithful to God's plan even when it doesn't look like circumstances are going to work out as we would prefer them. So when we encountered an unexpected cross during our first year of marriage, it wasn't the first time we had been challenged as a couple.

Here's the thing, though: we couldn’t have done any of that without Jesus. "We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Christ is the source of strength and love in all marriages. As Catholics, we have access to Scripture and the sacraments, where we encounter God and receive his graces.

I can't be strong for Michael, nor him for me, if we rely only on ourselves. And it isn't enough to rely on each other, either.

Sometimes we both feel stressed or sad. In those moments, Jesus reminds us of his love for both of us. He even feeds us with his own body in the Eucharist to give us strength to keep going in situations that seem beyond our capabilities.

So as you and your fiancé progress together through your engagement, I pray that every difficulty, every disagreement, and every decision will bring you both closer to each other—and, more importantly, to the God who created you and loves you both. Your vocation is a call to holiness, so why not start embracing that attitude as you prepare for marriage?

Whether great tragedy or minor inconvenience, suffering doesn't have to be pointless. We can allow God to use those moments to sanctify us. Remember, "In all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

About the Author: Kiki Hayden is a writer and Bilingual Speech Therapist living in Texas with her dog Goldberry and her husband Michael. She is a Byzantine Catholic. To find out more about how God is changing her life through speech therapy, visit her website, Speaking with Kiki.

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3 Options to Create Community at your Reception

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STEPHANIE FRIES

 

Regardless of the number of people who attend your wedding, the blending of two families and the witness of marriage brings together a joyful crowd. Part of wedding planning involves making decisions about managing this group of people who may or may not know each other. There are options in how you guide wedding guests through the reception not only for smooth transitions, but also to create community among your most beloved family and friends.

Relationships so often begin as strangers share a meal around a table. While considering the flow between seating arrangements and food service options for your reception, I invite you to also consider the possibilities of initiating new relationships among your wedding guests at the dinner table. Here, we list and compare three options for seating assignments and unique considerations for building community.

Open Seating

Open seating is open-ended. As guests enter your reception venue, they will have the freedom and flexibility to choose what table and chair they will sit at for the evening’s festivities. Will your guests have an opportunity to meet and mingle at a rehearsal dinner or social hour the day before your wedding? If many of your guests will make connections with new people prior to your wedding day, open seating provides former-strangers a chance to continue those organic relationships.  Perhaps your extended families live in the same town but have never met each other; this could be a beautiful invitation for new relationships that can begin and continue beyond your wedding day.

Open seating is the most budget-friendly option because it doesn’t require the purchase of a seating chart or place cards. You may consider providing more place settings than necessary in case guests choose to sit in small groups across several tables, rather than filling every chair at one table.

The most appropriate food service with open seating is a buffet, which parallels the flexibility and flow of the crowd through the reception.

Assigned Tables

Assigning tables can be fun to play with during your wedding planning as you create collisions between groups of people. Weddings bring together the old and the new, childhood friends and college friends, family and “friends who become family.” The reception is a chance for those worlds to mix in a way that strengthens your network of love and support for your new life as a married couple.

There are so many ways to approach assigned tables in order to quietly instigate new relationship among wedding guests: do the bride and groom’s childhood friends all sit at one table? Maybe it’s a chance for your childhood friends to spend time with your college friends. The options are endless, and the process is exciting.

Assigned Tables work well for a limited space because each table can be filled to its capacity. It provides both structure and flexibility for your guests. A large escort board can be placed near the entrance of the reception venue where your guests will see it and can note their table. Alternatively, you can create escort cards labeled with the guest’s name and table assignment, so they can find their table then claim their seat with the place card. If you prefer, couples or families that will sit together can be listed on the same escort card. This option requires a financial investment towards creating or purchasing the escort board or escort cards and table name signs, as well as a commitment to intentionally plan the table assignments.

Either a buffet or table service works well with assigned tables. Note that caterers may need to be aware of the tables with guests who have dietary restrictions.

Assigned Seats

Assigned seats are the most structured method for guiding your guests to a place at the reception. Both an escort board at the front of the venue and escort cards at the table are used to help guests find their way.

Similar to seating chart, assigned seats offer a more structured invitation for new relationships or dynamics among guests. If you plan to mix bride and groom’s guests at the same table, assigned seats can offer both diversity and structure for these encounters. Sometimes, assigned seats are helpful in creating a positive environment among guests who have a negative history by organizing people among the space.

Assigned seats are the best option for your reception if your guests select an entree and food will be delivered in courses. Name cards can be marked in a specific way to communicate dietary needs and/or entree selections to the catering staff.

Planning these parts of your wedding is not all about logistics and details. It is about building relationships and connections and bonds between you and your fiance by bridging your families and friends together.

True love is fruitful. The relationships that take root and grow beyond your wedding day is an irrefutable fruit from the celebration of love between you and your spouse.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the options in planning a wedding, it may be helpful to work backwards. What kinds of words do you want your guests to use when they describe your wedding and reception? How do you want to remember the atmosphere at your celebration of marriage? Once you and your fiance determine a vision together, it may be easier to make decisions about the social environment for your big day.

Check out the way this Spoken Bride couple incorporated their favorite saints through table names.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. Stephanie’s perfect day would consist of a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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A Photographer's Encouragement for Engagement

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SINIKKA ROHRER

 

Each day from January 13-20, Spoken Bride's distinctively Catholic wedding vendors will be featured through Instagram takeovers and written contributions on the blog.

Are you recently engaged? We invite you to learn more about the gifted wedding industry professionals who partner with us through the Spoken Bride Vendor Guide.

When he asked me to marry him, I started crying tears of excitement. I was ready to be united with the love of my life and believed that nothing could stand in the way. Little did I know that nine months of marriage preparation, wedding planning, and managing family expectations would present a journey of challenges before we could walk down the aisle.

Although wedding planning was one of the most materialistic and difficult times in my life, I chose to enter the wedding industry to bless couples as their photographer and as a source of encouragement. We offer both beautiful images and positive support; we remind couples to embrace the hustle and bustle of wedding planning tasks by slowing down and enjoying engagement.

Your time as an engaged couple can seem extremely long and difficult due to a multitude of new situations, pressures, and circumstances. But there are many reasons why it's one of the most formative times in your marriage. As a bride and a photographer, I have journeyed through many engagements with couples. I pray that my perspective may help you experience your season of waiting with intention and a grateful heart.

Engagement is a precious time when you are able to communicate, discern points of conflict, and problem-solve prior to married intimacy.

It's during this time you are making some of the biggest foundational decisions in your relationship, like where you will live, where you will work, and how you will celebrate the holidays. Take time to dive into every conversation and seriously begin working through obstacles as you prepare for marriage.

Engagement gives you the ability to slowly unite as one.

In other words, engagement offers a buffer of time to release old, selfish habits and to develop new routines for new life circumstances. Marriage is a vocation that immediately strips you of the ability to be selfish; engagement is a time to prepare your mind, body, and spirit for that kind of sacrificial love. It is important to consider how daily routines and household responsibilities will change after your wedding.

Engagement allows you time to focus on Christ.

It is this time of waiting that gives you space to communicate about your faith and pray together. Use this time to create a vision for a shared spiritual life and goals for your new family’s foundation of values.

Engagement can be a challenging time to balance physical temptation, external pressures, emotional distress, and deadlines for key wedding planning decisions. But this time won't last forever.

Years from now you will look back on this season and it will be a small dot on the timeline of your marriage. With this in mind, utilize this season to its fullest by discerning issues, growing in selflessness, and focusing on Christ. After taking this time to build your foundation, you may even find the first year of your marriage will be easier than you expect!

About the Author: Sinikka Rohrer is the founder of Soul Creations Photography. She is a go-getter and dream-chaser who loves to serve others well. She loves all things healthy and early morning spiritual reads. Most days you can find her walking hand in hand beside the love of her life, Alan, with their baby John David in her arms. On any given day, you'll find them taking hikes and planning vacations out West.

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Embracing the Seasons of Preparation

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STEPHANIE FRIES

 

Within this Advent season of preparation and pause, I consider seasons of my personal life when we must wait, practice patience, and enter into the longing for more.

I was recently reflecting back on an old journal I kept during my engagement and found an excerpt I copied from the book Letters of St. Therese, Volume 1. This letter, in particular, was written to St. Therese of Lisieux from Sr. Agnes on November 8, 1887. At the time, St. Therese is longing to profess her vows and enter Carmel; she wants what she wants when she wants it, and is tested by the ache of passing time.

Even the saints agonized through delayed gratification!

Sr. Agnes writes, “To suffer a little before the nuptials is not asking too much! In order to enter the House of the heavenly spouse, you must have some trials, you must knock several times, you must weep, knock, and weep again.”

Whew! Is Sr. Agnes writing to Therese or to me? Therese, like any young, modern, engaged woman, is betrothed to her love. Vocational details aside, the ache of her heart is the shared experience of a woman in pursuit of a covenant to love.

Sr. Agnes continues, “Then there will come a moment when the door will finally open, and what has opened the door if not desire, suffering, and love?”

It is precisely the ache, suffering, and perseverance for love that births new life of a new covenant.

“In order to merit the suffering of the cloister, you must bear the suffering of waiting.”

Sr. Agnes affirms that the suffering of waiting yields to the suffering of love. In other words, she affirms that professing I do at the altar is not a promise to be free of longing or to be perpetually filled with joy, but the vows are a commitment to serve another unto our own death. As we gaze at the crucifix, we are affirmed that there is no love without suffering.

“Oh, darling little dove, courage, the flood will pass away, soon the window will open and you will escape into the desert, into the oasis of Carmel."

The end of waiting for a new vocation is promised a relief. Yet, that joyful yes of a covenant is fulfilled in the suffering for another. This oasis embraces the tension between having what we desired and beginning again at our heart’s longing for more. There’s always more.

Whether you are dating and waiting for a proposal, engaged and aching for your wedding day, temporarily separated across a distance from your beloved, or experiencing another longing of the heart, God teaches us--as he taught the saints--to embrace the suffering of the season. Have courage. The door will open by the force of suffering for love. And what’s on the other side but an oasis; whatever that oasis may look like for you, it is from God and it will be good.

It is not uncommon for God to deliver us to circumstances that stretch our patience and test our perseverance, both in our personal lives and in the liturgical seasons.

Like the time of engagement, the liturgy of Advent is about expecting and awaiting a union with the beloved; preparing our hearts and our homes for a new life in a new relationship. The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches, “By sharing in the long preparation for the Savior’s first coming, the faithful renew their ardent desire for his second coming. By celebrating the precursor’s birth and martyrdom, the Church unites herself to his desire: He must increase, but I must decrease” (524).

Waiting through Advent teaches us to decrease ourselves in order to create space for Christ. Waiting throughout our lives invites us to decrease ourselves in order to create space for our beloved.

This time of longing is not only about being patient, but also about surrendering ourselves to prepare for more love. Have courage in your love, in your suffering--you are promised an oasis.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Just Engaged? Tips + Considerations for Setting a Wedding Date

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It’s a predictable pattern: once friends and family receive the news of your engagement, their responses, in quick succession, are typically How did he propose? followed by, So when’s the wedding?

Photography: Shea Castricone

Photography: Shea Castricone

It’s hard to fault your loved ones for their interest and excitement on your behalf. Yet it’s alright to feel overwhelmed by the prospect of choosing a wedding date, let alone planning for it. If you’re newly engaged and wondering where to begin, start by arranging a meeting with the priest at the parish or chapel where you plan to enter into marriage.

At your first meeting, your priest will discuss practical matters like if and when you and your fiancé have received the sacraments, give an overview of the marriage prep process, and will likely send you home with an interview or inventory like FOCCUS to illuminate areas of your relationship that could benefit from deeper examination.

Sometimes when setting the date, the process is as simple as choosing from a list of available days and times. It can be overwhelming, however, to see endless calendar blocks open to you. Here, to aid in your discernment and decision-making, considerations for choosing your date.

The liturgical year

If a particular saint or feast has been significant in your relationship, consider bringing that significance into your wedding date, by way of a saint’s feast day or a solemnity. Spoken Bride’s Business Director, Andi Compton, was married on September 8, the birth of Our Lady, and Creative Director Jiza Zito was married August 15, the solemnity of the Assumption.

Bear in mind that most dioceses do not permit celebratory sacraments, like matrimony and baptism, during Lent. On the other hand, weddings held during the Christmas and Easter seasons convey a beautiful image of new, fruitful, glorious life.

Your personal responsibilities

While, like many major transitions in life, there’s never an ideal, conflict-free time to dive in--and the joy of entering into marriage drowns out those small matters--it is worth considering if any major obligations on the horizon could add stress to your wedding plans. Busy seasons at work in the finance, education, and retail fields, for instance,can be difficult to leave at the office, and if one or both of you is serving on mission, wherein you’re expected to prioritize your work and apostolate, setting your wedding date for a relatively calm time of year can minimize burnout.

Family obligations

If anyone in your immediate family or prospective wedding party will be traveling abroad, on a military deployment, giving birth, or undergoing major surgery or medical procedures in the upcoming months, understand the strain these circumstances might place on their ability to attend your wedding. Of course, it’s impossible to set a date where no guests have prior obligations, but for those closest to you, it’s a gesture of consideration, and a gift to you as a couple, to set a date they’ll be able to attend.

Circumstances and needs at this time in your lives

A short engagement can work well if neither you nor your fiancé will be relocating to a new city or state after your wedding, if one of you is already living in the home you’ll eventually share, or if you’re both well into your post-college lives and careers. A slightly longer time of preparation might be practical if you’re still in school, will need to make arrangements for your living situation, or have concerns that could benefit from pre-marital counseling.

All that said, every divinely ordained relationship, and every unrepeatable person within it, has unique needs, strengths, and challenges. It’s alright to move forward in faith even without all the answers, to get married while going to therapy, or to celebrate your marriage in the midst of professional or family-related whirlwinds. When we step out into the deep, Peter-like, Christ is present and won’t leave us to flounder.

More on discerning the length of your engagement and choosing a wedding date:

Christina Dehan Jaloway’s reflections on a short engagement and on being an “older” Catholic bride | Elise Crawford Gallagher’s tips for thriving during a long engagement | Holiday weddings

How did you and your beloved go about setting your wedding date? Share your thought process with other brides in the comments and on our social media.

Bridegrooms Share | On Differences of Opinion in Wedding Planning, Long-Distance Engagement, and Arguing with Love.

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How beautiful that women called to the vocation of marriage are disposed to receive the love of both the divine and an earthly bridegroom. Married life, in its purest form, affords an opportunity to know the Father’s love more perfectly by giving to and receiving from our spouse. Every person, however, remains a mystery to be constantly unveiled and made more real--true to who God has created him or her to be.

To illuminate the engagement, wedding, and marriage experiences from the perspective of men chasing sainthood and excruciating love, we’ll be periodically sharing a word from the bridegrooms in our lives. This week we chatted with Andrew, a high school teacher, father of three, and husband to Spoken Bride’s Co-Founder and Editor in Chief, Stephanie Calis.

Tell us about your discernment journey, before and during the time you began dating your wife.

When we met in college, Stephanie was in a relationship and I wasn’t the sort of guy to try and intervene. In the classes we had together, I found myself more and more interested to hear what she would say. But I refused to admit I was romantically interested. I told my friend and bandmate, “I don’t want to date Stephanie, but I want to find someone who has all her qualities. Just someone like her.”

Although I had a consistent prayer life at the time, I was still in a band, doing band things, and didn’t always watch my language or sense of humor. There was something about my wife that’s hard to put into words; something that made me want to be better. It’s not just “pure,” or “holy,” but maybe “deeply worthy of love.” Like someone that you want to cherish.

What saints have played a role in your relationship?

JPII!I learned about the Theology of the Body from Stephanie and it was one of the most formative times in my life. I also have a longtime devotion to Saint Jude, because I can be dramatic and think normal things are “hopeless cases” like finishing a paper on time or getting a job. These two men of faith have always pulled through for us.

What was your engagement like, and how did you work through its challenges?

Our engagement was mostly grace-filled. We were in different states, however, five hours apart. We spent a lot of time on the phone, which was good for us in so many ways. When we’d see each other, though, it was tough not to be overwhelmed by our physical closeness. In striving to practice chastity, we tried to hold one another to a high standard and went to confession frequently.

One unexpected challenge of engagement was the necessary material preparations for marriage. We fought about everything. I thought Stephanie was materialistic. She thought I was an ascetic. I thought she was just tossing on everything in sight onto our wedding registry: tiny hand towels? Sure! More tiny hand towels in another shade? Sure! Sixteen champagne flutes as a future heirloom? What? It was awful. But we tried to persevere in communication and forgiveness.

To serve each other well in your wedding planning, I recommend being easy-going about the particulars. If something doesn’t fit your exact vision and is not a major question of morals or finances, let it slide. I’ve seen instances where one person’s ideals trample on the other’s opinions. Accepting one another’s choices for things like attire and flowers are a small way of sacrificing for your future spouse--accepting that his or her tastes aren’t identical to yours.

How do you handle disagreements and problem-solving with your spouse?

We try to hold hands or touch in some way while working out an argument. It calms us both down. We also try to give each other the benefit of the doubt. I once accused Stephanie of intentionally burning my scrambled eggs, for instance. It was pretty petty of me--it was also pretty ridiculous--and over time we’ve tried to apply the approach of trusting and assuming the other’s best intentions before making accusations.

What has surprised you most about married life?

How natural it felt. It just felt like the next step in our relationship. It was--and is--absolutely wonderful.

Andrew’s advice for Catholic grooms and husbands:

Do something kind--just one, tiny kind thing, even just saying, I love you--whenever you recognize the impulse to do something selfish or speak something unkind. It goes a long way to helping your mood and your relationship.

And forgive immediately, endlessly and unconditionally. You’ll both mess up, again and again and again, often making the exact same mistakes you just repented for. Forgive unconditionally.

To our brides, we hope you’ll share these words with your beloved. If there are particular insights or questions you’d like addressed in future posts like this one, and if the man in your life has his own wisdom to share, be sure to reach out on our social media or at submissions@spokenbride.com.

How to Make the Most of a Long-Distance Engagement

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

My husband proposed beneath a statue of Our Lady on our college campus the summer after I graduated, on the cusp of his starting grad school and my beginning a mission year, five hours apart from each other. We set our wedding date for 13 months later.

Given the choice, both of us would've preferred a shorter engagement. Yet given the responsibilities entrusted to each of us over the upcoming year, we concluded it would be both impractical and imprudent for us get married any sooner. Though in many ways, we would have preferred a shorter engagement, the fact remained that there were responsibilities we’d committed to--and moreover, looked forward to. Over the course of the following year, we’d see each other roughly halfway between our new cities, at one of our families' houses every few weeks.

It’s no surprise that adjusting to dating from a distance for the first time, along with planning our wedding and preparing for marriage, often felt overwhelming. When I recall that year of engagement, the hardest aspects were the mounting panic that our wedding was fast approaching with little time to plan, the heightened temptations against chastity that accompanied infrequent visits, balancing time as a couple with family and friend time, and a general sense of impatience. If you're currently engaged long-distance and have similarly experienced at least one of these anxieties, here, four pieces of advice I wish I could go back and tell myself:

Don't fall into believing the two of you are in this alone.  

It sounds obvious, yet I bought into this lie over and over, the one that made me think if I didn't control every part of wedding plans and cultivating our relationship across the miles, everything would fall apart. But it wasn't just on us to take care of all that. So often, I forgot to invite the Father in and to turn to prayer for even the smallest matters. At some point, my husband-to-be reminded me of the grace that resides in the saints’ intercession; throughout our dating relationship, we’d developed our own personal litany, yet I usually only prayed to these men and women at the end of my Rosary, not habitually throughout the day. Though I, in my inadvertent pride, took a while to develop the habit of calling on their prayers, I truly found peace there. If you haven't already, choose a few patrons for your engagement and pray to them often.

Seek out spiritual time together--especially time away from wedding planning.  

Since most of our engagement was spent apart, it was sometimes necessary to condense parts of wedding planning into much shorter periods than we might have had time for otherwise. In my experience, avoiding overemphasis on planning and preparations during rare visits brings about greater peace of heart, and, surprisingly, greater productivity.

When your time is limited, it's tempting to fill every second with managing your to-do list, yet we quickly noticed how much more relaxed and content we felt when we consciously prioritized leisure and quality time. Carving out time for prayer and enjoying being with each other, which for us usually meant getting coffee or playing music together, generally made us feel like there was more time for wedding-related matters than we’d initially perceived.

What’s more, my husband and I were given an opportunity to trust each other and follow through on our word in a specific way: because it simply wasn't possible, or even necessary, to do every wedding project together, we had no option but to delegate tasks to each other and do them on our own--a habit that came in handy after we got married, too.

Don't expect perfection, but don't stop pursuing it.  

Love really can be a battlefield, both before marriage, when chastity sets a standard of abstinence (though I don't personally consider chastity and abstinence the same thing), and continues to call us on after marriage, as spouses are constantly called to die to self, to live out their sexuality through self-gift in its infinite forms, and to strive for virtue and self-discipline.  

No matter how close or far the two of you are living relative to each other before your wedding, it can be seriously hard to discipline the good and beautiful desire to physically express your love. Add infrequent time together into the mix that accompanies long-distance dating, and things get even harder.

While I fully view sexual sin as serious business, a matter in which to set and strive for high standards in your thoughts, words, and actions, I also view it as incredibly human. We are created, body and soul, with a longing for the infinite: an ache whose earthly fulfillment is fulfilled, at least in part, through a properly integrated expression of our sexuality; of who we are as spouses. For those called to marriage, that expression is physical, so it’s natural that those desires are right at the surface during engagement.

It's true that God is just. It's also true that he is infinitely merciful and wants so deeply for us to run to his mercy and to come back to him every time we fall. Be gentle with yourselves, don't give up the fight, and go to confession as often as you need to.

Make this time intentional.

On so many occasions, I wanted to fast forward through engagement and just get to the altar already. Normal as that might have been, it would've been unhealthy if my entire life was defined by the fact that I was engaged or if I didn't take pleasure in anything outside of my relationship. I needed to remind myself I was doing work I loved and sincerely enjoying my life's other pursuits.  

Time is sacred, for the simple yet profound fact that God freely chose to enter into it, a man among us. Use it well. A sense of sweetness can lie in the waiting, if you actively choose to develop it. It inspires a determination to not make engagement wasted time in your friendships, work, spiritual life, and overall sense of presence.

Are you currently engaged long-distance? We welcome the opportunity to pray for you in your journey and offer practical advice--we invite you to share your own tips and intentions in the comments and on our social media!

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Catholic Photographers Share 4 Tips for Your Engagement Session

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BERNADETTE AND STEVE DALGETTY

 

For some--if not most--couples, getting your photograph taken can be unnerving! It’s not a common or normal experience. An engagement session is often the first time a couple has ever had professional photographs taken. From us to you, here are four ways to make the most of your engagement portraits so that, first, you and your fiancé receive images you're truly happy with, and second, that you have an incredible time during the actual session. In fact, the second point--having an amazing time--is critical because it directly influences the first--receiving photographs you’ll always cherish.

It's mutual.

Your photographer is going to bring the artistic vision and necessary equipment to create a session that delivers portraits he or she hopes will truly connect with you as a couple, providing something lasting and meaningful for your relationship.

That being said, it’s important to realize that you are co-creators in this process. For your photographer to truly capture amazing images of the real you, the real you needs to show up, ready to join in. In a big way, that means being willing to let your guard down: be vulnerable and share your love, your joy, your laughter, your tears, and your honesty.  

Consider: when it's just the two of you alone, and you feel truly connected as a couple, how do you act? How do you laugh? How do you embrace? How do you hold hands? How do you kiss? How do you look at one another?  

Focus on those questions instead of on posing or how you think you look. The couple "poses" that look absolutely amazing in final images are usually the ones that simply show a couple being truly themselves, letting their love shine through. Authentic love is about as natural as it gets, and you don’t need to be professional models to convey that.

You just need to be you. Sometimes that's incredibly serious and intimate. Sometimes that's silly jokes and laughing to the point of tears. Whatever it is, let it be you. If you're willing to show that level of vulnerability with your photographer, we promise you are giving them an incredible starting point to create meaningful engagement photos.

Prepare emotionally.

We have been married for eight years. One thing we've realized about our own relationship is that it's crazy hard to just flip an emotional switch, quickly changing from being wrapped up in our individual busy lives to being truly present to one another. There have been times we've gone out on amazing planned date nights, yet haven't connected at all because we weren't in the right state of mind. If our minds are stuck on work, kids, or other life obligations it's impossible to switch on the spot to romantic date mode. The result is that those dates ends up mediocre, at best. For us, as a couple, to go on amazing dates we have to proactively enter into the right state of mind and leave everything else behind.  

It's the same for photos. We just advised that you to show up and be your vulnerable, loving selves in front of the camera, but true to our own experience, we don't expect you to flip a switch at the start of your portraits and be able to do that on the spot.  

Our best tip for making that transformation a natural one is to consider making the entire day of your session about the two of you, letting your portraits just serve as an extension of an already amazing time. Better yet, make the entire weekend about you! No wedding plans; no talk about work or school or family obligations. Think about the days that have been most incredible for the two of you as a couple, and and identify ways to recreate them.

Spend time doing some things you love, and you’ll show up to your engagement session in that state. It will help you be more present and connected.  

Be you.

Dress like you. Be comfortable. Fit the environment.  

In other words, if you're going to be exploring fields and trails in the woods, leave the heels at home. If your session will feature a classy evening in the city and you love to dress up, then by all means, get dressed up.

At the end of the day, your clothing choices are not what the session is about. Yet it is important that your attire complements who you are as individuals, without diminishing your comfort level and emotional state.

Unplug.

Leave your phones in the car (unless there's a real emergency reason for you to be on call). Nothing kills being present like getting texted!

Images by the authors, via An Endless Pursuit Photography.

About the Authors: Steve and Bernadette Dalgetty are the husband and wife photography team behind An Endless Pursuit. For the past eight years they have documented stories, celebrating marriage and families throughout the greater Washington DC area and around the country. Steve and Bernadette currently live in a 125 year-old home in Leesburg, Virginia with their three kids. They met in college at Franciscan University of Steubenville, and named their photography business after their dating relationship that took a few tries to get right. They love the world of wedding photography because of the incredible witness it has been for their own marriage, observing the love of couples each weekend and seeing their joy as they make their vows.

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Catholic Engagement and Wedding Ring Inscription Ideas

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If you’re engaged (or about to be), you’ve probably already had a conversation about what you’d like to have inscribed on each other’s rings. Some couples surprise each other, some get the same thing on both rings, and some forego the ring inscription entirely.

For Catholic couples, the ring inscription can be more than a way to remember the wedding date; it is an opportunity to celebrate the God who called them to the sacrament of marriage. There are as many ways to do this as there are couples. Our Associate Editor Christina Dehan Jaloway and her husband Kristian have the Italian phrase Ti voglio bene ("I will your good.") inscribed on their rings, whereas Editor-in-Chief Stephanie Calis and her husband have "Before thee we kneel" (from the Memorare, their favorite Marian prayer) engraved in theirs. If you're having trouble coming up with ideas, we hope the list of possibilities below will inspire you: 

A favorite Scripture verse

Note: If word count is an issue, consider using the Biblical reference instead of having the entire verse inscribed. If you have enough room, some of the shorter verses listed here are a great option:

This is my body given up for you.  (Luke 22:19)

Do whatever he tells you.  (John 2:5)

Duc in altum. (“Into the deep.” Luke 5:4)

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.  (Song of Songs 6:3)

Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13:8)

I have found the one whom my soul loves. (Song of Songs 3:4)

Be not afraid. (John 14:27)

Nothing is impossible for God. (Luke 1:46)

A pithy quote from a favorite Saint.

Verso l’alto. (“To the heights.”) --Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati

Whatever God wants. -- St. Gianna Molla

Do small things with great love. --St. Teresa of Calcutta

Open wide the doors to Christ. --St. John Paul II

My vocation is love. --St. Therese of Lisieux

Love until it hurts. --St. Teresa of Calcutta

Jesus, I trust in you. --St. Faustina

A line from a favorite prayer

Before thee we kneel. (The Memorare--this is what our Editor-in-Chief, Stephanie, and her husband have on their rings)

Come, Holy Spirit.

Thy will be done.

Did you and your fiancé or husband inscribe your rings? We’d love to hear what you chose in the comments!

Editors Share: Proposal Stories

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One of the greatest gifts of the work we do here at Spoken Bride is the opportunity to hear so many beautiful love stories. The many submissions we receive for "How He Asked" and wedding features give us hope for the future of marriage in the Church, and we truly appreciate you allowing us to be a small part of your story. In gratitude, today each member of the Spoken Bride team will be sharing her proposal story. We hope you enjoy! 

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Andi, Business Director

We had a “pre-proposal proposal” on August 14, 2006, seven months after we started dating. We decided to get married at 4am while we were at the little park above Corona Del Mar Beach (where I saw him for the first time) staring at the ocean. proving that occasionally, good things happen after 2am. Shortly thereafter, we decided on September 8, 2007 as a wedding date and then I just waited for Matt to make it official. On December 2, while I was at work, he made dinner at my mom’s house and she helped him decorate the table. I was shocked when I got home, and then noticed the ring box and knew something was up. The box mysteriously disappeared while I went upstairs to change and after dinner we went back to the park above Corona Del Mar Beach to look at Matt’s childhood photo album. On the last few pages he put pictures of us and a really sweet note (quoting Flight of the Conchords) to describe his love for me. The ring was taped to the album but I didn’t notice it so he shined a flashlight on it asked me to marry him, and we just celebrated our ten year anniversary this past September!

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Christina, Associate Editor

Kristian’s original plan was to propose to me atop the Dome of St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome (he’s definitely a romantic), but since we were both impatient to get engaged and knew that a trip like that wouldn’t be possible in the near future, Kristian proposed five months after we began dating on July 28, 2016, in the chapel where we were later married. After spending the morning in prayer together at a Marian shrine in west Austin, he suggested that we go to confession and daily Mass at my childhood parish across town. After Mass, we went to the Divine Mercy icon to pray in thanksgiving for our relationship. After a a minute or so, Kristian looked over at me and said, “God has been so merciful to us.” I tearfully replied in the affirmative, but was oblivious to his plan until he suggested that we take a photo in front of the altar. He asked a random lady who was still in the chapel to take the photo and then got down on one knee and told me that he loved me and wanted to be a saint with me. Would I marry him? I said, “Yes,” through tears of joy and the laughter of surprise. He slipped his grandmother’s pearl ring on my finger and we embraced in front of the same altar where we were married five months and one day later.
 

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Jiza, Co-founder + Creative Director

I had just moved to outside of Philadelphia, PA from my hometown of Virginia Beach, VA to complete an internship at the Theology of the Body Institute. This placed us closer together since he was finishing his last year at the United States Naval Academy in Annapolis, MD, and we were able to see each other more often on weekends. Unbeknownst to me, one weekend, he drove from Annapolis to Virginia Beach to ask my dad permission to marry me, and then got back into the car to drive back up to West Chester, PA to spend the day with me before he had to report back to Annapolis. That’s about 12+ hours in the car in 24 hours! On the morning of Sunday, January 11, 2009, at beautiful St. Agnes Parish in West Chester, PA, we attended Mass together. At the conclusion of the recessional hymn, Mark suggested that we pray in front of the statue of Our Lady. While reflecting on the Seven Sorrows of Mary, he abruptly grabbed my arm and told me to stand up. Completely annoyed and startled, thinking there was some sort of emergency, I said, “Oh my gosh! WHAT?!” Then he got down on one knee and said some things that I cannot remember and asked me to marry him. Even though I knew Mark had been looking at rings for awhile, I was still completely surprised by the proposal!

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Stephanie, Co-founder and Editor-in-Chief

I met my husband Andrew in college, at Mount St. Mary’s University in Maryland. It was on that holy ground that I developed a devotion to Our Lady for the first time through Militia Immaculatae, a prayer movement founded by St. Maximilian Kolbe, and that Andrew experienced a renewal of his spiritual life through the Rosary. I can see only the Father’s hand at work when I consider how deeply Our Lady drew each of us into her heart, independently of each other, before we were a part of each other’s lives.

When we first began dating my senior year, we frequently went on nighttime Rosary walks. Our school being named for and placed under the patronage of Our Lady, there are devotionals to her scattered throughout the campus. A favorite one of ours was a small Marian grotto next to the chapel, flanked by a beautiful pond and garden.

The summer after I graduated, as Andrew and I prepared for a year of grad school and mission work, respectively--from two different states--we celebrated my birthday and the end of my mission training with a picnic on our campus, which is near his family’s home. After our meal, Andrew invited me to walk with him and pray the Rosary. At the start of each decade, he offered a spontaneous prayer for our relationship, which wasn’t typical, but I anticipated nothing. As we walked, I kept trying to guide Andrew to our favorite spot at the grotto. He kept redirecting me! Finally, we found ourselves beneath Our Lady’s feet as we concluded our prayers. Andrew followed our Rosary with a beautiful speech, during which I still didn’t suspect anything more than an outpouring of emotion as we prepared to date long-distance. Until he got down on one knee. In that moment was the clearest, easiest yes I’d ever say.

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Elise, Social Media Coordinator

Hunter and I met when we were 19 and so by the time we were thinking about marriage we had been together for about 4 years. We were both ready to enter more deeply into our relationship and see where God was leading us our journey together. I knew a ring was in the near future, but I was expecting Hunter to propose at Christmas or New Years. Instead, he decided to completely surprise me on the Feast Day of my confirmation saint, St. Cecilia.

I went to classes that morning and then had plans for lunch with a couple of good friends. Hunter and I had planned for me to drive to meet him at his graduate school in Baltimore that afternoon so I was planning to hop in my car to drive up Route 95 after lunch. I had a lovely lunch with my two girlfriends at my alma mater, Catholic University.

After we ate, my friend Chelsea, asked if we could all go to the statute of Our Lady of Wisdom on campus to pray for a special intention of hers. We walked over to the statue and stood there praying for a moment at the statue where Hunter and I had prayed together many times before. Then, Chelsea reached behind the statue, and presented me with a dozen red roses and a note from Hunter. I was in complete shock and realized that something was up. I kept asking where Hunter was! I don’t remember exactly what the note said but it alluded to the fact that up until that point of our relationship, Hunter had only bought me white or pink roses, representing friendship, and now that we were about to embark on this new step in our relationship, he gifted me with red roses representing mature love.

At this point, I started to shake with excitement and nervousness so my friends had to take the coffee cup I was holding out of my hands as they directed me to the Garden of Mary behind the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, which is right next to CUA’s campus. There is a long pathway leading from the top of the garden to its center where I saw Hunter standing. As I reached the garden, Hunter took my hand, told me he wanted to be mine forever and knelt down in the same spot where he had asked me to be his girlfriend 4 years earlier. The funny part was that he was so nervous that he was on his knee for about 10 seconds before bouncing up and putting the ring on my finger. Of course I said ‘yes’! As someone who isn’t easily surprised, I was so happy that Hunter had enlisted my friends to help pull off this beautiful engagement.

How He Asked | Sam + Kat

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Sam and Kat met as college students, became fast friends, and eventually--under a starry sky--they both confessed deeper feelings for one another and became a couple. Kat recalls that Sam, "told me how he had liked me from the moment he first saw me. From then, it's been a beautiful, unbelievable relationship." 

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In Kat's words: The proposal was so incredible! Throughout our whole relationship, Sammy and I knew we were going to get married. All I asked for in the proposal was that Sammy or someone get a picture. Sammy got several of his best friends involved, half of whom are talented photographers. Sammy began planning the proposal at the beginning of the year, and he was finally ready to propose on April. The original plan was to take me out into these beautiful fields and do astrophotography (photography of the night sky), writing out "will you marry me?" in Christmas lights on a hillside. Sam and his friends could not find enough extension chords, so they had to scrap that idea. They then came up with the idea to use a device called a pixel stick. Harrison (one of Sammy's friends involved in the proposal) owns a pixel stick, which is a pole around 6 or 7 feet long with a strip of LED lights running down it. The lights flash and change colors, and when a long exposure picture is taken, the light will either create a design or write out words or draw a picture. Sammy then hired a friend from our Church, Keith, who majors in graphic design to create a program that would make the pixel stick write out "Will You Marry Me?". Keith did an amazing job!

The night before the proposal, Sammy and all the guys drove out to Silverhill Farm to find the perfect location for the proposal. On April 8th, 2017, Sammy took me on a day long date that ended with the proposal. We played around with the pixel stick and did photography for an hour or two, and I was trying to convince myself I would be okay if Sammy didn't propose that day.

The last location we went to was a dirt road in the middle of a field. There was the beautiful tree in the background and the night sky was visible all around us. Harrison said he wanted to get a few pictures of the couple, so Sammy and I took our turn in front of the camera. Sam's best friend and best man Alan ran behind us with the pixel stick. Harrison called us over to look at the photo, and when I saw it, I just stared at the picture (shown above) for a solid 20 seconds. I turned around, and there was Sammy down on one knee asking me to marry him! I cried and jumped around, then he put my grandmother's wedding ring on my finger.  We then recreated the moment Sammy proposed (we didn't get a picture of the actual proposal, which I have hanging in my room. I love Sammy with all my heart, and I absolutely cannot wait to marry him June 23rd (The Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus), 2018!

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Photography (top image): Harrison Tarabella (friend of groom) | Graphic Work: Keith (friend of couple) | Engagement Location: Silverhill, Baldwin County