Benefits of Charting Beyond the Bedroom

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KIKI HAYDEN

 

Even after we learned that physical intimacy wouldn’t go as planned, my husband and I decided to continue to chart my cycles together. 

Charting together has been such an affirming experience for our marriage. The very act of charting together has helped us grow in virtue and deepen our  emotional intimacy in ways that I hadn’t anticipated.

Humility

During our engagement/betrothal, my husband and I attended an NFP class together. At the start of the class, I thought I knew everything there was to know about charting. After all, I’d read several textbooks about it and had been charting for some time before becoming engaged. 

Spoiler alert—I had a lot to learn. And I still do, even years later. A woman’s body and her cycles are deeply mysterious. I’m having to let go of my hubris and accept the humbling reality  that I’m not always right.

Impatient for my husband to learn the rules of the sympto-thermal method, I became anxious and spoke harshly to him. I didn’t want him to “mess up” my charts. Allowing him to participate in this sort of intimate medical record-keeping took a lot of trust and humility. It was (and is still) hard for me to let go of control.

The painful but necessary side effect of this is that I’m learning how to argue with my husband more respectfully. Often, I question his judgment on our charts, but I’m learning to bring it up in a more respectful way, open to the idea that perhaps he is right and I am wrong. Growing in humility isn’t my favorite activity, but it is definitely improving the way I communicate about conflict—even very personal conflict.

Trust

It’s difficult for me to allow my loved ones to make a mistake when I know I could have prevented it. My instinct is to jump in and just do it for them. I often think I know better than they do. This is especially true when I encounter someone who solves problems differently than I do.

My husband definitely solves problems differently than I do.

So you can imagine how frustrated I felt when I watched my husband incorrectly mark peak day or fail to identify a temperature rise. My responses were far from gracious.

“Can’t you see there are more fertile days? I’ll just mark peak day.” “You’re not following the formula. I’ll just mark the temperature rise.” “You aren’t working the app right. I’ll just do it.”

Eventually, there was nothing left for my husband to do. He felt left out. “I want to do this together,” he said.

It took a few years (and yes, I mean years) before we developed a rhythm for charting together. In different seasons of our marriage, our rhythm has changed to meet our current needs. But we always make sure that each of us has an important role. 

Currently, my husband records my temperature and I record my symptoms (fluid sign and medical symptoms like headaches). Together, we decide when to mark peak day, temperature rise, and the first day of my new cycle. We also talk with each other about the  patterns we notice with my physical symptoms. The extra communication involved in charting  together has increased our trust of each other and our respect for the  other’s thinking processes.

I’m learning (sometimes through gritted teeth) to trust my husband to contribute to my charts. And sometimes he has insights that I hadn’t noticed about my symptoms. Which brings me to the next benefit of charting I’d like to discuss.

Related: How Men Can Be Supportive in NFP

Caring for each other

My cycles are a hot mess. Not to get into details, but I have a lot of really awful menstrual symptoms, like brain fog and extreme fatigue. (Yes, I’m consulting doctors about this—don’t worry.)

Through trial and error, we’ve noticed that my brain fog seems worse when I forget to eat enough carbohydrates. So my husband, saint that he is, watches my chart carefully. The week of my period, he adds extra pasta to my plate, or bakes me some yummy homemade bread. (Did I mention that my husband is a saint?)

We know I’m liable to experience extreme fatigue at certain times during my cycle, so he’s proactive about helping me get extra rest during those times. He even picks up extra chores around the house so I don’t have as much to do when I get home from work.

If my morning temperature seems off, he lets me know. “Baby, you’re colder than usual for this time of the month.” And he throws extra blankets on me. Also, he’s the first to notice if I have a fever.

Although I don’t chart my husband’s health, I’m trying to reciprocate this intimacy and caring. I try to check in daily with my husband about how he is feeling—how are his stress levels? Does he have a headache or a stomachache? Does he have enough energy? What is his mood like? 

Sometimes I add extra protein or fiber or his favorite sweet treats to our grocery list, depending on his needs. And when I’m able, I try to pick up some extra chores so he can relax after dinner. I’m not as good at this as my husband is, but I’m trying to learn from him.

As we work to improve my health, I try  to encourage him on his health journey too. We’re both working on improving our posture and finding time to stretch and exercise even during a busy work week.

Even if intimacy doesn’t go as planned for you and your beloved, I encourage you to chart your cycles together. Teamwork during medical record-keeping can help you to grow in emotional intimacy as a couple, improve your trust and humility, and even help you to care for each other.

About the Author: Kiki Hayden is a freelance writer and bilingual speech therapist living in Texas. She is a Byzantine Catholic. To read about how God has changed her life through speech therapy, check out her blog and/or connect with her on Instagram

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Turning to the Eucharist When Physical Intimacy is Complicated

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KIKI HAYDEN

 

If you, like me, are in a situation that doesn’t allow full sexual union with your spouse, you are not alone. You are worthy of love and fidelity, and your marriage is a beautiful icon of God’s graces. Through prayer, this cross can bring you and your beloved closer to Jesus and each other.

Whatever the reason for abstaining, and no matter how long the period of abstinence lasts, know this: your marriage is blessed—with or without sexual intercourse.

God provides graces through the sacrament of marriage, even when sexual intercourse isn’t an option or doesn’t work for some reason. The Catholic Church teaches us that sex is a gift from God, which means we are not entitled to it nor is it required of us. And the good news is that through prayer, God can provide all the graces of a physical sacrament even when the sacrament is not available to us. This is true of the Eucharist, and I strongly believe it is also true of sexual intercourse in marriage.

There are many reasons a couple may abstain from intercourse. The beautiful (and healthy!) practice of Natural Family Planning calls for couples to abstain periodically when they do not feel called to seek pregnancy. For some couples, the fertile window is narrow, but for women experiencing irregular menstruation due to difficulty ovulating, the fertile window may last a long time. Military couples are keenly aware of the trials of long term abstinence when one spouse is deployed far away. For some couples, attempts at sexual intercourse do not go as planned and must be left unfinished due to pain or physical limitations. 

Related: One wife’s testimony of fidelity and growth through extended abstinence

In such cases, the Lord calls us to be compassionate with our partners and ourselves. For couples suffering from sexual pain or dysfunction, this period of abstinence may last a long time and occasionally is indefinite. If you are in such a situation, don’t lose hope. The Lord still blesses your marriage abundantly.

Let’s pause to look at another act of physical intimacy: the Eucharist. Jesus allows us to eat His body and blood, soul and divinity. He gets stuck between our teeth. He travels throughout our body to literally nourish us with His own. What could be more intimate than this?

And yet God is not limited or defined by the sacraments. Not even the Eucharist.

There are, unfortunately, many reasons not to attend Mass: work schedules, sickness, lack of access, persecution. And most of us have experienced the absence of the physical sacrament of the Eucharist during the 2020 pandemic.

Does this separation from the Eucharist somehow invalidate our relationship with Jesus or deem it “un-sacramental”? Of course not. As with physical expression of our sexuality, the Eucharist is a gift, not a right. When we truly desire union with Jesus, He can overcome any obstacles to bring us the graces of the sacrament. He can even overcome the obstacle of abstinence itself.

An act of spiritual communion begins with an ardent desire to be united with Jesus. A favorite is this Prayer of Spiritual Communion written by Saint Alphonsus Liguori. Of course, anyone can say a prayer of spiritual communion using their own words. Pope Saint John Paul II wrote, “The practice of “spiritual communion”… has happily been established in the Church for centuries and [is] recommended by saints who were masters of the spiritual life.”

According to Saint Thomas Aquinas in Summa Theologiae, III, “In another way one may eat Christ spiritually, as He is under the sacramental species, inasmuch as a man believes in Christ, while desiring to receive this sacrament; and this is not merely to eat Christ spiritually, but likewise to eat this sacrament.” Fr. Michael Gaitley sums up this teaching of Aquinas beautifully in his book Consoling the Heart of Jesus: “A person who fervently makes such a prayer of spiritual communion can receive the same grace as one who fervently receives Sacramental Communion!”

If God can overcome our abstinence from the Eucharist, He can also overcome our abstinence from sexual intercourse in marriage. Abstinence, even for extended periods of time, does not invalidate a marriage nor somehow “block” God from giving a couple the full graces of the sacrament.

I propose a new kind of prayer, modeled on the act of spiritual communion: the act of spiritual union.

This is a prayer for spouses in a time of abstinence, whether by choice or forced circumstance, whether briefly or for extended periods of time. Here is an example that my husband and I pray frequently:

“Lord, we believe You have called us into the vocation of marriage. Although we do not have access to physical intercourse right now, we trust in You. Please grant us the full graces and unity of marriage so our love for each other may bring us closer to Your Sacred Heart.”

This prayer may not take away the pain and longing spouses feel during a time of abstinence. But it can certainly bring a marriage closer to Jesus. And growing in faith together is a beautiful way to live out the vocation of marriage.

One last thought: if you and your beloved struggle sexually or are in a period of extended abstinence, remember that the Holy Family, the very model of marriage, was an abstinent relationship. The Virgin Mary and Joseph her Most Chaste Spouse can pray with you and for you.

About the Author: Kiki Hayden is a freelance writer and bilingual Speech Therapist living in Texas. She is a Byzantine Catholic. 

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6 Tips for Planning a Wedding Novena

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KIKI HAYDEN

 

You know you’re Catholic when you say a novena for (almost) every occasion. If you never have before, it’s not too late to start!

Photography: Noteworthy Expressions

Photography: Noteworthy Expressions

A novena is a prayer said over nine days, usually for a specific intention. Spending nine days in prayer is an intimate way to invite the Lord into your daily life, whether in thanksgiving or petition. Novenas can be prayed in anticipation of favorite feast days, birthdays, baptisms, holidays, and--of course--weddings. A wedding novena is a beautiful way to unite in prayer with your future spouse, your friends, and your family as you prepare to enter your vocation.

Here, a step by step process for creating a personal wedding novena.

Decide when to pray your novena.

Novena prayers are a powerful way to enter into preparation for your vocation. You can pray a novena early on, just after engagement or betrothal. Developing a habit of prayer early in your engagement keeps Jesus at the front of your mind amidst the overwhelm of wedding planning.

As other options, consider a novena in the nine days leading to your wedding, or beginning on your wedding day and lasting through your first nine days of marriage—a honeymoon novena—to establish a practice of daily prayer in your new life with your beloved.

Don’t limit yourself! My husband and I invited our friends and family to pray two novenas alongside us: one at the beginning of our betrothal, and another leading up to our wedding day. And we privately say a novena for the days leading up to each anniversary. The Lord is so generous and loves hearing our prayers.

Make a list of intentions.

This sets the tone for your novena. You might identify one intention for each day, or you could come up with a list of a few important intentions to pray throughout the nine days. Fitting intentions for your wedding might include commitment to God and one another. 

You can also include personal prayers based on your passions, hobbies, and love languages. Additionally, practical prayers, such as prayers for health for you and your family or for peace in your home, can foster trust in the Lord to provide for your needs as a couple. 

Keep your petitions open to God’s will. And of course, give thanks for the community who is praying with you!

Write a litany of saints.

Invite the angels and saints to join your novena by including a small litany. To personalize your novena, consider including your patron saints and those whose feast days fall on or near your wedding date. 

I also recommend invoking the intercession of saintly couples whose vocation inspires your own, such as Louis and Zelie Martin, or Aquila and Priscilla, as well as any personal devotions to Jesus, Mary, and favorite saints.

If anyone in your family or support network has passed away, you may want to include them in the novena litany too, as a way of intentionally inviting them into your wedding.

If you can’t decide, you can always ask “all the angels and saints” to pray for you. 

Decide who to pray with.

After identifying your time frame, intentions, and litany of the saints, decide which living friends and family members you’d like to join in your novena. Ask yourselves if you’d prefer your novena to be a private prayer for just the two of you, a group prayer with your wedding party, or a prayer open to all your guests through your wedding website and invitations. 

Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance as to whose prayers you need the most. If you do invite your guests to pray with you, consider saying the final prayer day at your rehearsal dinner or wedding reception.

Consider the religious backgrounds of your prayer warriors.

There are ways to express your Catholic faith that include your non-Catholic guests. If you are inviting Christians who are not Catholic, consider making the litany of saints optional, with an instruction like, “If you feel comfortable asking for prayers from the cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1), please pray this litany.” 

For those of other faiths, offer the option to pray to God the Father instead of to the Trinity. And for guests who aren’t religious, encourage them to think of intentions as “good thoughts” or “wishes” rather than prayers. These modifications invite non-Catholic guests into your wedding preparation and allow anyone who wishes to participate in the novena prayer. 

The Lord listens to everyone. Our non-Catholic guests expressed gratitude for being included in my husband’s and my novenas, and we really appreciated their support! No matter each guest’s background,  the Lord answered the petitions in abundance.

Pray it forward

After you’ve had the experience of writing your own beautiful and personal wedding novena, consider sharing this gift with other couples.

When friends get married, my husband and I say a novena for them using this process. I usually send a text each day telling the couple  the intention or saint of the day for their novena. 

For my non-Catholic friends, I modify the novena to meet them wherever they are in their spiritual journey (I send them nine days of “wishes/prayers”). Your friends will appreciate your support, and the Lord loves to spend time with you as you earnestly share the desires of your heart for your friends. Novena prayers are a powerful expression of love for your friends and family, your spouse, and Jesus.

About the Author: Kiki Hayden is a freelance writer and bilingual Speech Therapist living in Texas. She is a Byzantine Catholic. She writes about how God has changed her life through speech therapy at Speaking With Kiki.

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The Mystery of Crowning | The Byzantine Catholic Marriage Ritual

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KIKI HAYDEN

 

Laurel-like leaves and baby’s breath wreathed Michael’s hair. The leaves were difficult to weave into the crown, but my maid of honor and I managed--with some help from my sisters and a lot of flower tape.

Turning to me, Father held out another almost identical crown, and I leaned forward to kiss it. The crown smelled fresh and green amidst the thick, rich incense in the church. As Father placed the crown on my head, I was married to Michael in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

My husband grew up Ruthenian Byzantine Catholic, and we were married in the Byzantine rite, whose liturgical traditions came from Constantinople. The Byzantine Catholic marriage sacrament, called the Mystery of Crowning, emphasizes God’s sovereignty over marriage, his call to martyrdom, and a glimpse of Heavenly community. Learning about another Catholic rite’s marriage traditions can provide new understandings of God’s beautiful plan for marriage.

On our wedding  day, we exchanged no rings and said no vows. Instead, our wedding began with a crowning ceremony, continued with readings, a dance around the Gospel book, and finally culminated when we took the Eucharist together. 

A Note about Rings, Vows, and Chalices

In the Byzantine tradition, the priest places rings on the couple’s fingers at the betrothal ceremony. Eastern Catholic Churches take betrothal very seriously; an annulment may be required to dissolve it. Because of this, couples have the option to celebrate their betrothal on the same day as their wedding or, if their priest allows, during their season of engagement. Once betrothed, Byzantine Catholics continue to wear their rings just like Roman Catholics wear wedding rings.  The ring symbolizes the commitment to the couple’s vocation together.

Vows were traditionally not a part of Byzantine Catholic marriages. However, in the spirit of blending cultures, some Byzantine couples in America choose to include vows in their ceremony. The vows are not sacramental but carry emotional significance.

Most Byzantine couples share the Common Cup, a chalice of unconsecrated wine that symbolizes their common life together. Traditionally, Byzantine Catholic weddings do not include the Liturgy of the Eucharist. However, if both spouses are Catholic, the couple may choose to replace the Common Cup with the Liturgy of the Eucharist, or to include both in their ceremony.  

God’s Sovereignty over Marriage

“This is a great mystery, and I mean in reference to Christ and the Church.” 

God calls us to our vocations; we assent to participate in His plan. After assenting to be married, the couple remains silent throughout the wedding. The sacramental moment of a Byzantine marriage is when the priest places crowns upon the couples’ heads. 

“The sacrament is not administered by the couple to each other,” as in the Roman Catholic tradition; “in the Byzantine tradition, the priest gives the sacrament of marriage to the couple like baptism, like the Eucharist,” explains Father Michael O’Loughlin in “The Heart of Marriage,” a podcast episode from Catholic Stuff You Should Know. 

Marriage Crowns: The Call to Martyrdom

“Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” 

Marriage crowns remind the new spouses that they are now the leaders of a tiny church: their family. Just like the Church, the couple is led by the Holy Spirit to do the will of the Father and to draw closer to the Son. The marriage crown says, “here is the beginning of a small kingdom which can be something like the true Kingdom,” wrote Fr. Alexander Schmemann in For the Life of the World.

Marriage crowns are crowns of martyrdom, signs of glory and triumph when man and woman lay down their lives as an act of love for the other. “A martyr gives everything, even their very life for the kingdom of God and for Christ. So the couple is now crowned with martyrdom… they have now died to themselves to live for the other,” said Fr. O’Loughlin. 

By accepting the crowns of martyrdom, the couple has already surrendered their lives to each other and to God. They are led to the front of the church for the Dance of Isaiah, a victory dance for their sacrifice. 

The Dance of Isaiah: A foundation on Christ and a glimpse of Heavenly Community 

“Love never ends… For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.” 

After the crowning and the readings, the priest leads the couple three times around the Gospel book, which rests on a table near the front of the church. The priest holds a small cross in front of them.. Christ is their beacon as they take their first few steps as a married couple. The Gospel is at the center of this dance. They walk in three circles: a circle has no end. This is because the marriage sacrament “is not taken ‘until death parts,’ but until death unites us completely,” wrote Fr. Schmemann.

Married love is an icon of Christ’s love for us as well as a foreshadowing of the redeemed love we will share in Heaven: unending, selfless, and always encouraging each other to grow closer to the Trinity.

Meanwhile, the congregation sings four troparia (hymns). They lyrics include praise for the couple receiving their crowns: “O Holy martyrs, you have suffered courageously and received your reward; pray to the Lord our God to have mercy on our souls.” 

During this dance, the couple is surrounded by the singing of their family and friends, as well as the heavenly community present whenever the sacraments are celebrated. Painted icons around the church serve as reminders that the angels and saints are present. In this moment, the cloud of witnesses is fully present, able to be seen and heard.

A Sacramental Sign

In a shadowbox on the wall in our home, our marriage crowns remind us that God chose Michael for me and me for Michael. We are called to be martyrs for Christ and for each other. Although our love is imperfect, through our marriage, the Lord gives us a taste of heavenly community—unconditional, supported by our community, and always oriented toward the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Kiki Hayden is a freelance writer and bilingual Speech Therapist living in Texas. She is a Byzantine Catholic. To read about how God has changed her life through speech therapy, visit her website.

Your Wedding is an Icon.

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KIKI HAYDEN

 

“This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory; and his disciples believed in him.”

The wedding at Cana became an icon when, through Christ’s signs, it revealed Christ’s glory to his disciples. In her book Penguins and Golden Calves: Icons and Idols, Madeleine L’Engle writes, “…an icon…is an open window to God.”

Orthodox and Eastern Catholic priests speak of traditional painted icons in the same way: Icons are windows. An icon provides catechesis that transcends the boundaries of literacy and education. Like the marriage at Cana, your own wedding is an icon—a window to see God’s love.

At your wedding, you and your beloved are witnesses to the greatest commandments: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind…You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

When you and your beloved join God in a sacramental covenant, you become a visible truth of love, just like a traditional painted icon. Your guests not only see an exchange of human love, but also gaze through the window of your wedding to see a beautiful image of God’s love.

Even within the strict traditions of painted icons in Eastern Christianity, iconographers bring personal interpretations to their creative work. I have seen several different icons depicting the wedding at Cana. In many, Jesus and Mary are conversing privately in the corner. In some, they are instructing the servants. In one, they are larger than life, embracing the newly married couple like children. In its own way, each icon is a reminder to “Do whatever he tells you.”

Just like painted icons, Catholic weddings follow a structure. Every Catholic rite—Roman, Byzantine, Chaldean, etc.—fulfills the sacrament in a different way. Within each tradition, every couple infuses their wedding day with a unique flavor.

You probably didn’t choose the basic order for your wedding ceremony, but you chose the hymns to set the mood. And while your reception may include a traditional set of events, such as the first dance and cutting of the cake, you and your family have selected the décor, food, and music. Even the way you interact with each other, your guests, and with Jesus throughout the day can have deep positive effects that only you can offer.

There is no other couple exactly like you, and you are an icon of God’s love in all your quirks, your challenges, and your strengths.

Unplanned moments on your wedding day can become small icons when they are windows for others to see God’s love. For me and my husband, one surprising iconic moment was during the dance of Isaiah. During this event in the Byzantine Catholic wedding ceremony, the priest leads the bride and groom in three circles around the Gospel book: a tradition full of symbolism.  

As we began a slow, reverent march, Father smiled slyly and reminded us this was a dance—he instructed us to “Give it a wiggle!” He encouraged us to literally dance our way around the Gospel. I assure you, “Give it a wiggle” is not written in the liturgical books. That dance became a surprising icon for us, and for our guests, to see God’s joy and delight.

Iconography is crucial to Eastern Christian  spiritual formation because icons have many layers of meaning. Regardless of a person’s background or education, they can look at a spiritual image, understand some part of the story, and relate to the depiction of a human experience. God can infuse truth and hope in the hearts of everyone who views the icon.

With greater knowledge of symbolism, theology, and iconography, a viewer can glean more nuanced truths from the image.  The colors of robes and the placement of hands, for example, impart specific spiritual messages.

Your wedding also has many layers of spiritual teachings. Guests with no religious convictions, people of different faiths, and seasoned Catholics and Christians can all encounter Jesus’ love at your wedding. Whether they are moved by the beauty of the day or the beauty of two lives becoming one, your wedding guests can reflect on the human experience and spiritual truths of union, covenant, and love.  

Prayers, readings, hymns, and traditions can be a window to see God for those more familiar with Church teachings. Jesus knows the hearts of everyone present, and he will use the day to draw each individual into his loving embrace.

The story of the marriage at Cana shows us how Jesus abundantly blesses weddings and reveals his great love through weddings and receptions. He will love your wedding. After all, your wedding is an icon, a beautiful and unique window to his divine love.

kiki hayden.png

About the Author: Kiki Hayden is a writer and Bilingual Speech Therapist living in Texas. Her dog is named Goldberry and her husband is named Michael. She is a Byzantine Catholic. To find out more about how God is changing her life through speech therapy, visit her website.

Stresses During Engagement Can Strengthen Your Marriage.

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KIKI HAYDEN

 

It is hard to thank God for the difficult situations in our lives, but each time we surrender to the Lord, he works a miracle in our hearts.

Honestly, I am grateful that Michael and I endured some trials before we got married. Engagement, while a joyful time, can also be a time of intense formation in preparation for marriage. It is an opportunity to wash each other's feet, to face challenges together, and to rely on Jesus as the source of your strength and love.

You and your fiancé are sharing many joys during this time, but probably some sorrows as well. If one of you suffers, so does the other, and this shared experience can happen at a whole new level now that you have committed to becoming a family. It feels raw and vulnerable. But Jesus teaches that intimate relationships involve serving each other—and being vulnerable enough to receive service.

One of the most tender moments in Scripture is when Jesus washes his disciples' feet. At first, Peter refuses to let the Lord wash his dirty feet, but Jesus explains that this service, although messy, is crucial to their relationship (John 13:4-17):

“Peter said to him, “You will never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “Unless I wash you, you will have no inheritance with me.” Simon Peter said to him, “Master, then not only my feet, but my hands and head as well.”

At first I, like Peter, was reluctant to allow Michael to serve me. I was determined to contribute equally to the relationship, and Michael expressed a similar sentiment. Neither of us wanted to be a "burden" to the other. But throughout our engagement, the Lord humbled us over and over again, sometimes in not-so-small ways. There were cockroach infestations, broken down cars, a minor surgery, a lost job, and even a death in the family.

With our pride stripped away, we were better able to humbly receive service and support from each other.

And as our relationship grew stronger, we realized it didn't matter if one of us was doing more serving and the other more receiving. We were becoming a family, and families don't keep score.

This lesson has been extremely important in our marriage as we continue to lean on each other. While some of our experiences during our engagement were sad, I can see now that the Lord didn't let any suffering go to waste. He used each trial, whether big or small, to bring us together and to teach us how to carry each other's crosses.

Furthermore, there is a whole new kind of challenge during engagement: making big decisions that affect you as a unit, as a family. Maybe you and your fiancé are deciding where to live after you get married, how to budget, or how to navigate the maze of wedding preparation. When there are bumps in the road, you are now affected as a couple. Two lives have already begun to become one.

One of our bumps in the road was our marriage paperwork. Through our own oversight, our files were lost somewhere between the Roman Catholic parish and the Byzantine Catholic parish. Many phone calls, emails, letters, visits to parish offices, and five months later, the files were in one place, and we were finally allowed to attend our first premarital counseling session.

We felt the effects of our mistake not as "my problem" or "Michael's problem", but as something we would have to solve together with God's help. At the time, I did not embrace these difficulties with grace. But looking back, I thank God for them.

During our engagement, we discovered that we can love each other, suffer together, and stay faithful to God's plan even when it doesn't look like circumstances are going to work out as we would prefer them. So when we encountered an unexpected cross during our first year of marriage, it wasn't the first time we had been challenged as a couple.

Here's the thing, though: we couldn’t have done any of that without Jesus. "We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Christ is the source of strength and love in all marriages. As Catholics, we have access to Scripture and the sacraments, where we encounter God and receive his graces.

I can't be strong for Michael, nor him for me, if we rely only on ourselves. And it isn't enough to rely on each other, either.

Sometimes we both feel stressed or sad. In those moments, Jesus reminds us of his love for both of us. He even feeds us with his own body in the Eucharist to give us strength to keep going in situations that seem beyond our capabilities.

So as you and your fiancé progress together through your engagement, I pray that every difficulty, every disagreement, and every decision will bring you both closer to each other—and, more importantly, to the God who created you and loves you both. Your vocation is a call to holiness, so why not start embracing that attitude as you prepare for marriage?

Whether great tragedy or minor inconvenience, suffering doesn't have to be pointless. We can allow God to use those moments to sanctify us. Remember, "In all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

About the Author: Kiki Hayden is a writer and Bilingual Speech Therapist living in Texas with her dog Goldberry and her husband Michael. She is a Byzantine Catholic. To find out more about how God is changing her life through speech therapy, visit her website, Speaking with Kiki.

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