How Lent Can Deepen Your Marriage Preparation

MELISSA BUTZ

During our season of engagement, my fiance and I have spoken a lot about “dying to self” and what it looks like to put the other’s needs above our own. This idea ties in perfectly to the season of Lent, the time when we remember the sacrifice Our Lord made on the cross, giving His life for each one of us.

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBEY REZ PHOTOGRAPHY

The idea of "dying to self" completely goes against what society teaches us today. We are fed lies that "I" is more important than anyone else, including our spouses. 

Not only is it countercultural to put another first, but to go one step further and renounce something you desire, only to give another what they want instead... that's mind blowing! 

Yet, this is what spouses are called to do, and how they are called to live and love. The sacrament of marriage is a call to imitate Jesus in the way He loved his bride, the Church, giving up His very life for her and all its members - us! 

“Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ on behalf of his body, which is the Church.” 

For engaged couples, Lent can greatly deepen the season of preparation before they enter into marriage.  

Anticipate

Naturally, as in most every season of life and in the Church, there is the idea of waiting.

During the entire forty days of Lent, and most especially during the Triduum, the Church anticipates the Resurrection of our Lord. This mirrors the expectations and anticipation felt by the couple during the engagement period. 

Jesus' sacrifice on the cross was done purely out of love for us, paralleling the gift of self during marriage and the union that will shortly take place between the two individuals and Christ himself. It reminds couples of the fact that they must die, to only then be united in full spousal love.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines unity in marriage as, "a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul."   

Lent is a really beautiful time for engaged couples to contemplate the sacredness of the sacrament that will shortly take place and pray through the eagerness they feel before the wedding day, when they will offer themselves fully to the other.

Purify

The acts of giving something up and fasting during the forty days are purifying for both the individuals and the couple as a whole, as they take this step in their vocation. 

It prepares one to say "no" to his or her selfish desires in married life, so he or she can say "yes" to this new vocation and everything it entails. The “no” is necessary so the “yes” can take place and the couple can enter into the conjugal love of the sacrament. 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says that conjugal love "...not only purifies and strengthens" the couple but allows them “to grow continually in their communion through day-to-day fidelity to their marriage promise of total mutual self-giving."

This renouncing of self and quenching of greed during the forty days of Lent is the beginning of a much deeper purification. 

“You will fast… for in that day there will be expiation done for you in order to purify you.” 

Sin

Before entering into heaven, each person must endure a purification, to prepare his or her soul to receive God's love in all its fullness. This can either happen through sacrifices on earth or in purgatory. 

Both the bride- and groom-to-be can use this Lenten time to deny their desires, in order to help them overcome personal sins.

While nobody will ever be perfect, our God is a healing God. If we ask for the grace to resist temptation, He will always provide it. Then it's up to us to use it and get back up when we fall, always remaining close to Him.

Thus, taking these forty days to ask for help to overcome specific sins or asking for the grace to grow where necessary can reap many rewards.

“For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.”  

Prayer

Lent cannot exist without prayer. 

While contemplative prayer on our Lord's passion is important, intercessory prayer is one of the most powerful forms of prayer. In it, we join with the communion of saints, whose main goal is to intercede for us here on earth.

So then imagine intercessory prayer between a married couple, who are united sacramentally in a covenant with Jesus and the Church - it's stronger than anything!

A priest once advised me and my fiancè to pray one Hail Mary every night before going to sleep, and to offer it for the other’s intentions and struggles. He told us this simple prayer for the other is enough to transform spouses into Mary and Joseph, and ultimately lead to holy families. 

He stressed that we don’t have to pray an entire novena or rosary for the other, but just this simple act, prayed with love daily.

These forty days, while just a bit more than a month, can have a big effect on individuals before being joined together sacramentally.

Let's use this time to the best of our ability, to get in the habit of making little sacrifices and praying for each other each day. It's these little "no's" to personal desires that allow us to say "yes" to a beautiful, God-filled wedding and marriage.

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About the Author: Melissa Butz brought her southern Georgia roots to Rome, Italy, where she is blessed with a view of St. Peter's Basilica everyday. She works as a TV journalist for Rome Reports, covering everything Pope Francis and the Vatican.

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Why We Did Marriage Prep Before Getting Engaged

MELISSA BUTZ

For better or for worse, the number of couples who call off their wedding after they get engaged seems to be around 20 percent.

PHOTOGRAPHY: CAITLIN RENN PHOTOGRAPHY

And it makes sense. Family demands from both sides, inevitable compromises while planning a wedding, and emotionally preparing for a life together make the engagement period stressful. There are also huge decisions to be made and plenty of learning curves, like where and how to buy your first house.

Catholic couples will also add a Pre-Cana wedding prep course offered by their local parish to the checklist, but that is usually the problem. All too often, Pre-Cana becomes another box to check off on the to-do list and another necessary document to present before saying “I do.”

But it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, when my boyfriend and I started talking about marriage after we had dated for three years in Rome, he had one request: we attend our Pre-Cana course before he asked me to marry him.

This tradition is very common in Italy, a country where the typical American “ring proposal on one knee” is quite rare. Most girls in marriage prep classes do not have an engagement ring and might not ever have one. The traditional gold wedding band is often the only ring ever worn on the left ring finger.

As an American, I imagined the proposal more than my wedding. The idea of a man getting down on one knee after asking for my father's permission seemed as “fairy-tale” as it could get--so I hated my boyfriend’s idea at first. It didn't help that my American friends could not wrap their minds around completing a Pre-Cana course before he asked if I wanted to marry him.

Niccolò, my now-fiancé, explained his personal conviction to me:

By completing our marriage prep course before becoming engaged, we would be able to treat it as a discernment course. We could prepare for the sacrament spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, without the distractions of planning a wedding. We could spot areas of weakness for improvement and focus on strengthening areas where we were already excelling as a couple.

Before signing up for classes at a parish in the center of Rome, Niccolò told me, “We have to go into this course with a spirit of discernment so pure, we will even be prepared to break up when it's over, if that's what we think God is calling us to do.” His goal was to truly listen to what God wanted for both of us. Thankfully, a few months after it ended, we got engaged instead!

Those months were our time to not only intentionally discern our vocation to marriage, which we had already done, but marriage to each other. After all, discernment and taking concrete steps toward what we believe we are called to is a serious part of the Catholic faith. Pre-Cana confirmed what we believed Christ wanted from both of us. We prayed our way through the whole course, lifted up our intentions, and were open about any fears that arose along the way.

My favorite part of our six months of marriage prep was talking to Niccolò about each session immediately afterward on our Saturday date night. We learned so much, and he helped translate any misunderstandings I had from our all-Italian classes.

Looking back, I would not do it any other way (even with Americans asking continuously if they had missed the announcement of our engagement). 

In fact, now that Niccolò and I are engaged, I feel like we can plan our wedding with the certainty that God has blessed both of us. We are on the right path, if only we keep trusting and looking to the Lord.

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About the Author: Melissa Butz brought her southern Georgia roots to Rome, Italy, where she is blessed with a view of St. Peter's Basilica everyday. She works as a TV journalist for Rome Reports, covering everything Pope Francis and the Vatican.

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