Wonder and Delight: Five Stories of C.S Lewis to Read during Engagement

/

EMILY DE ST AUBIN

 

“We must not be ashamed of the mythical radiance resting on our theology. . . . We must not, in false spirituality, withhold our imaginative welcome. If God chooses to be mythopoeic . . . shall we refuse to be mythopathic? For this is the marriage of heaven and earth: Perfect Myth and Perfect Fact: claiming not only our love and our obedience, but also our wonder and delight . . .” -C.S. Lewis, Myth Became Fact

While we were dating and engaged, my husband and I spent about a year in separate states while he finished his master’s degree in Ohio and I worked in Colorado. 

As anyone who has dated long-distance knows, it can be hard to think of things to talk about during those long phone conversations and skype-sessions. We wanted to talk on the phone for hours but as the weeks apart dragged into months, and without shared experiences to discuss, we struggled to engage with each other. 

Once we were engaged and living in the same state, wedding planning, apartment hunting, and job searching took over our shared experience to such a degree that we were dying for anything to take our mind off it.

The best idea came to us totally by accident- Eddie (my now husband) couldn’t believe that I had never read The Chronicles of Narnia. C.S. Lewis was already my favorite author, but since I had been unimpressed by the movies they made based on his famous children’s series, I never felt compelled to read them. So we decided to read them aloud to each other over the phone.

We started with The Magician’s Nephew and read all the way through The Final Battle. Beyond the joy of just listening to each other’s voices for a while at the end of each day, it gave us something to discuss and draw meaning from––an experience we both longed for while long distance. While we were drowning in the details of wedding planning and preparing for our life together, it gave us a meaningful and lighthearted escape that drew us together.

Below you’ll find a list of five books from (or about) C.S Lewis to read with your fiancé during your engagement. I hope they help pass the time together, take your minds off the practical details, and reawaken your sense of pure, impractical wonder.

The Chronicles of Narnia

Arguably C.S Lewis’ most well-known work, The Chronicles of Narnia consists of seven stories from the marvelous fantasy world of Narnia.

These easy-to-read books are stuffed with enough metaphor, simile, and allegory to fuel a year’s worth of late-night conversations.

The Space Trilogy

This lesser-known science fiction series by C.S. Lewis is much stranger and geared more for adults than Narnia. In it, Lewis answers the questions surrounding salvation history here on Earth and life on other planets. Essentially, with this series he states, “If Jesus is the saviour, he must be the saviour of the entire universe.”

Till We Have Faces

Till We Have Faces, Lewis’ final and most masterfully written novel, is one of my all-time favorite books. In it, Lewis gives us a dark and deeply romantic retelling of the myth of Cupid and Psyche through the lens of Psyche’s embittered sister Orual.

While not as easy to read as some of Lewis’ other works, this book will invite conversation and contemplation between you and your fiancé.

The Great Divorce

This is a truly fun story about heaven and hell and the roads we all walk between the two every day. Reading it, I came to realize just how well Lewis understood the sinner’s heart.

The Great Divorce tells of an extraordinary bus ride to heaven and the journeys the passengers must take. This thought-provoking novel provides the reader plenty of ideas to discuss and learn from. My husband and I still reference this book and its characters at least once a month. 

A Severe Mercy

I’m not exaggerating when I say that the lessons in this book saved my life. In A Severe Mercy, author Sheldon Vanauken writes about finding God in the midst of his pagan love story. 

While not written by C.S. Lewis, the author plays an important role in the conversion of Vanauken and therefore, a pivotal role in what unfolds in this memoir. This moving story will make you cry like a little baby, but you’ll be glad you read it.

What books would you add to the list? Share your book recommendations on our Instagram page.

About the Author: Emily is a '15 graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville with a bachelor's of science in marketing. Since college, her experience in ministry has included teaching the Catholic faith through wilderness experiences in the Colorado Rocky Mountains with Camp Wojtyla, Core Team with her local LifeTeen, and participating in Young Adult groups throughout her many moves. Emily has been married to her husband Eddie for five years and they have three children together.

BLOG | INSTAGRAM | TWITTER |

Communication in a Long-Distance Relationship

/

STEPHANIE FRIES

 

My husband and I are currently in the midst of a season of work-inflicted separation. His professional travel will keep him away from home for about five months, though we will be able to communicate and visit each other periodically during that time.

These circumstances, though frequent, are never ideal. And they are certainly not easy. The distance and separation have challenged our methods and means of communication and have stretched our hearts’ capacity to desire union with one another.

Communication is key in any relationship. Honest dialogue serves as a building block to any kind of intimacy: spiritual, physical, intellectual, creative, or emotional. Though if you and someone you love are in a long-distance relationship, effective communication is the primary building block to maintaining and building a foundation of trust, honesty, intimacy, and unity.

Successful communication requires honest reflection, both of the circumstances and of your heart’s desire. If you and your partner—whether in a dating, engaged, or married relationship—are in a season of separation, I encourage you to be intentional about planning your communication in a proactive way.

The logistics of current circumstances must be taken into account. First, determining the best time of day to communicate is vital; considerations for conflicting schedules or time changes are significant variables. Second, discuss the best method for communication: an online messaging provider (such as Facebook messenger), text messages, phone calls, or emails each offer various benefits and obstacles. Each method can be an intentional means to a specific, desired end.

For example, for a quick check in, online messengers are simple and efficient. Oftentimes, the response rate is rapid. In contrast, an email platform offers greater length and depth for sharing, though the wait time between responses is generally slower.

Beyond the logistics of the situation, both parties must be honest about their personal needs for communication over time and distance.

In many ways, men and women differ in their need for communication. Where women generally engage in conversation as a means to build emotional intimacy, men often engage in conversation to accomplish a productive end. Being realistic about your partner’s predisposition to communication will create an environment for trust, collaboration and fruitful compromise.

Differences in communication are also specific to each individual’s mind and heart. In order for both individuals to be satisfied, each must introspectively recognize their needs, then clearly admit what they desire.

For example, my husband is content with a brief message to check-in, confirm we are alive, and to catch up on the generic happenings of the day. Meanwhile, I desire a thorough email thread to share the intimate thoughts and reactions of what happened over the previous days.

Neither of our preferences are inherently “good” or “bad,” but they are drastically different. Sharing a dialogue about how we are willing and able to compromise has enhanced our long-distance communication with greater understanding, peace, and intimacy—though our journey to creating long-distance intimacy is ongoing.

In authentic, loving relationships, both individuals are called to surrender some of their own desires for the fulfillment of the other’s needs. This kind of daily dying-to-self for the good of another has the potential to eliminate frustration or fear and enhance intimacy and love in a relationship. What are your needs for communication in relationship? If they differ from your partner, where are you willing to collaborate to achieve a greater good?

Have you ever experienced challenges or success in building intimacy through communication in a long-distance relationship? Please share your experiences, advice, and questions with our Spoken Bride community on Facebook or Instagram.

About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

Embracing the Seasons of Preparation

/

STEPHANIE FRIES

 

Within this Advent season of preparation and pause, I consider seasons of my personal life when we must wait, practice patience, and enter into the longing for more.

I was recently reflecting back on an old journal I kept during my engagement and found an excerpt I copied from the book Letters of St. Therese, Volume 1. This letter, in particular, was written to St. Therese of Lisieux from Sr. Agnes on November 8, 1887. At the time, St. Therese is longing to profess her vows and enter Carmel; she wants what she wants when she wants it, and is tested by the ache of passing time.

Even the saints agonized through delayed gratification!

Sr. Agnes writes, “To suffer a little before the nuptials is not asking too much! In order to enter the House of the heavenly spouse, you must have some trials, you must knock several times, you must weep, knock, and weep again.”

Whew! Is Sr. Agnes writing to Therese or to me? Therese, like any young, modern, engaged woman, is betrothed to her love. Vocational details aside, the ache of her heart is the shared experience of a woman in pursuit of a covenant to love.

Sr. Agnes continues, “Then there will come a moment when the door will finally open, and what has opened the door if not desire, suffering, and love?”

It is precisely the ache, suffering, and perseverance for love that births new life of a new covenant.

“In order to merit the suffering of the cloister, you must bear the suffering of waiting.”

Sr. Agnes affirms that the suffering of waiting yields to the suffering of love. In other words, she affirms that professing I do at the altar is not a promise to be free of longing or to be perpetually filled with joy, but the vows are a commitment to serve another unto our own death. As we gaze at the crucifix, we are affirmed that there is no love without suffering.

“Oh, darling little dove, courage, the flood will pass away, soon the window will open and you will escape into the desert, into the oasis of Carmel."

The end of waiting for a new vocation is promised a relief. Yet, that joyful yes of a covenant is fulfilled in the suffering for another. This oasis embraces the tension between having what we desired and beginning again at our heart’s longing for more. There’s always more.

Whether you are dating and waiting for a proposal, engaged and aching for your wedding day, temporarily separated across a distance from your beloved, or experiencing another longing of the heart, God teaches us--as he taught the saints--to embrace the suffering of the season. Have courage. The door will open by the force of suffering for love. And what’s on the other side but an oasis; whatever that oasis may look like for you, it is from God and it will be good.

It is not uncommon for God to deliver us to circumstances that stretch our patience and test our perseverance, both in our personal lives and in the liturgical seasons.

Like the time of engagement, the liturgy of Advent is about expecting and awaiting a union with the beloved; preparing our hearts and our homes for a new life in a new relationship. The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches, “By sharing in the long preparation for the Savior’s first coming, the faithful renew their ardent desire for his second coming. By celebrating the precursor’s birth and martyrdom, the Church unites herself to his desire: He must increase, but I must decrease” (524).

Waiting through Advent teaches us to decrease ourselves in order to create space for Christ. Waiting throughout our lives invites us to decrease ourselves in order to create space for our beloved.

This time of longing is not only about being patient, but also about surrendering ourselves to prepare for more love. Have courage in your love, in your suffering--you are promised an oasis.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

FACEBOOK | INSTAGRAM

Newlywed Life | When You Aren't Able to Have a Cocoon Period

/

STEPHANIE CALIS

 

I clearly remember the hours spent on the phone with my husband-to-be during our long-distance engagement. At some point, at least several times a week, we’d express how much we missed each other, following our unintentional script: “I can’t wait until this time is over and we can see each other every day.” “Me neither. We won’t have to say goodbye anymore! Instead, it will be goodnight.”

Short of a handful of work-related trips and bachelor and bachelorette weekends each, my husband and I have been blessed with the opportunity to come home to one another almost every day of our marriage, a gift we try not to take for granted. Having friends in the military, ministry, and the corporate world, we’re aware that for some couples frequent travel and separation is the norm, not the exception.

What will your own living and time situation look like after your wedding day? Being able to insulate and fortify your marriage in its early days--a “cocoon period” wherein your relationship and its boundaries are a top priority--is an incredible grace. But if by necessity or circumstance--school, a job requiring regular interstate trips, selling a home, or otherwise--you and your spouse aren’t able to be together daily, your marriage certainly isn’t doomed. Where some opportunities are absent (namely, the ease of spending significant amounts of time together as husband and wife--and it’s alright to find this difficult and undesirable), others present themselves. But only with the Father’s hand.

I recently talked to two friends, a couple married six years who spent the first six months of their marriage living in two different states as one spouse completed her PhD and the other established his business. I find their devotion to prayer, theology, and liturgical living so inspiring, and as we chatted about their advice for married couples who are frequently separated, it appeared clear to me that some of the very habits established during their time apart later flowed into the habits they maintain still, now together each day and with their children.

Here, their tips for couples experiencing temporary long-distance marriages.

Invest in your prayer life as a couple.

My friends told me when they shared their forthcoming situation with their pastor during engagement, he urged them to develop habits of regular prayer, both individually and as a couple. Going so far as to schedule specific times to pray is very helpful for accountability--they committed to praying on the phone before work each morning, using this prayer for married couples, followed by spontaneous prayer and intentions.

If necessary, get creative with your time and schedules.

Making time to chat each day was a priority for my friends, one that involved a well-worth-it effort to align their schedules across different time zones and responsibilities. Depending on your situation, this might look like one or both spouses waking up an hour earlier or talking during meals or work breaks.

Know your limitations, however, and prioritize each other’s well-being--my friends decided to impose a rule of no evening Skype calls on weeknights, because they’d both be too willing to stay up too late.

Find things to do together from a distance.

Reading the same book, watching the same show, or even making the same recipe can help you feel connected across the miles.

Try to see each other as much as possible.

As time and finances allow, it’s worth making efforts to see one another often. This might involve certain sacrifices; my friend, for instance, decided to live with family during his time apart from his wife, and the money they saved in rent went to plane tickets, instead.

Expect an adjustment when you’re reunited.

The end of your time apart will surely be one of great joy. Bear in mind it will also be a big move for at least one spouse, with many changes: living with someone new and adjusting to a new location, job, and community. Give yourselves times to ease into the transition, in the form of taking a few days off from work and taking things slowly before overloading yourselves with social commitments.

A temporary long-distance marriage probably feels more unfair than a long-distance engagement; after all, the contentment of significantly more time together is a privilege of becoming husband and wife. Yet opportunities for your sanctification and the strength of your relationship do exist; gifts even in a less-than-ideal situation. If you have or will experience frequent separations from your spouse, be assured of our prayers, and be sure to share the practices that have helped you on your journey.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

BOOK | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

How to Make the Most of a Long-Distance Engagement

/

STEPHANIE CALIS

 

My husband proposed beneath a statue of Our Lady on our college campus the summer after I graduated, on the cusp of his starting grad school and my beginning a mission year, five hours apart from each other. We set our wedding date for 13 months later.

Given the choice, both of us would've preferred a shorter engagement. Yet given the responsibilities entrusted to each of us over the upcoming year, we concluded it would be both impractical and imprudent for us get married any sooner. Though in many ways, we would have preferred a shorter engagement, the fact remained that there were responsibilities we’d committed to--and moreover, looked forward to. Over the course of the following year, we’d see each other roughly halfway between our new cities, at one of our families' houses every few weeks.

It’s no surprise that adjusting to dating from a distance for the first time, along with planning our wedding and preparing for marriage, often felt overwhelming. When I recall that year of engagement, the hardest aspects were the mounting panic that our wedding was fast approaching with little time to plan, the heightened temptations against chastity that accompanied infrequent visits, balancing time as a couple with family and friend time, and a general sense of impatience. If you're currently engaged long-distance and have similarly experienced at least one of these anxieties, here, four pieces of advice I wish I could go back and tell myself:

Don't fall into believing the two of you are in this alone.  

It sounds obvious, yet I bought into this lie over and over, the one that made me think if I didn't control every part of wedding plans and cultivating our relationship across the miles, everything would fall apart. But it wasn't just on us to take care of all that. So often, I forgot to invite the Father in and to turn to prayer for even the smallest matters. At some point, my husband-to-be reminded me of the grace that resides in the saints’ intercession; throughout our dating relationship, we’d developed our own personal litany, yet I usually only prayed to these men and women at the end of my Rosary, not habitually throughout the day. Though I, in my inadvertent pride, took a while to develop the habit of calling on their prayers, I truly found peace there. If you haven't already, choose a few patrons for your engagement and pray to them often.

Seek out spiritual time together--especially time away from wedding planning.  

Since most of our engagement was spent apart, it was sometimes necessary to condense parts of wedding planning into much shorter periods than we might have had time for otherwise. In my experience, avoiding overemphasis on planning and preparations during rare visits brings about greater peace of heart, and, surprisingly, greater productivity.

When your time is limited, it's tempting to fill every second with managing your to-do list, yet we quickly noticed how much more relaxed and content we felt when we consciously prioritized leisure and quality time. Carving out time for prayer and enjoying being with each other, which for us usually meant getting coffee or playing music together, generally made us feel like there was more time for wedding-related matters than we’d initially perceived.

What’s more, my husband and I were given an opportunity to trust each other and follow through on our word in a specific way: because it simply wasn't possible, or even necessary, to do every wedding project together, we had no option but to delegate tasks to each other and do them on our own--a habit that came in handy after we got married, too.

Don't expect perfection, but don't stop pursuing it.  

Love really can be a battlefield, both before marriage, when chastity sets a standard of abstinence (though I don't personally consider chastity and abstinence the same thing), and continues to call us on after marriage, as spouses are constantly called to die to self, to live out their sexuality through self-gift in its infinite forms, and to strive for virtue and self-discipline.  

No matter how close or far the two of you are living relative to each other before your wedding, it can be seriously hard to discipline the good and beautiful desire to physically express your love. Add infrequent time together into the mix that accompanies long-distance dating, and things get even harder.

While I fully view sexual sin as serious business, a matter in which to set and strive for high standards in your thoughts, words, and actions, I also view it as incredibly human. We are created, body and soul, with a longing for the infinite: an ache whose earthly fulfillment is fulfilled, at least in part, through a properly integrated expression of our sexuality; of who we are as spouses. For those called to marriage, that expression is physical, so it’s natural that those desires are right at the surface during engagement.

It's true that God is just. It's also true that he is infinitely merciful and wants so deeply for us to run to his mercy and to come back to him every time we fall. Be gentle with yourselves, don't give up the fight, and go to confession as often as you need to.

Make this time intentional.

On so many occasions, I wanted to fast forward through engagement and just get to the altar already. Normal as that might have been, it would've been unhealthy if my entire life was defined by the fact that I was engaged or if I didn't take pleasure in anything outside of my relationship. I needed to remind myself I was doing work I loved and sincerely enjoying my life's other pursuits.  

Time is sacred, for the simple yet profound fact that God freely chose to enter into it, a man among us. Use it well. A sense of sweetness can lie in the waiting, if you actively choose to develop it. It inspires a determination to not make engagement wasted time in your friendships, work, spiritual life, and overall sense of presence.

Are you currently engaged long-distance? We welcome the opportunity to pray for you in your journey and offer practical advice--we invite you to share your own tips and intentions in the comments and on our social media!

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

BOOK | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK