Why We Should Stop Saying “Marriage is Hard”
/MARY DUFRESNE
As my fiancé and I near the end of our preparation for marriage, one thing that keeps ringing in my head is the often repeated phrase: “Marriage is hard.”
PHOTOGRAPHY: BELINDA JEAN PHOTOGRAPHY
On too many occasions, this was the opening or closing statement from married couples when we shared that we are engaged (or even when we were just dating).
I recognize that the intention might be good in telling this to a couple preparing for marriage, but why is it so often repeated? We do not often hear someone tell a seminarian or a woman about to enter the consecrated life “Oh wow, well just remember being a religious is hard.”
I have found the phrase to be, more often than not, a source of discouragement for young couples rather than good counsel.
I do not suppose that any vocation is easy. Perhaps we repeat it for marriage because we worry the couple might have had too sweet a time in their period of dating or engagement.
However, I think most of us are actually very aware of the challenges that marriage and parenting will present. Society speaks many volumes to this point.
Engaged women (myself included) already occasionally experience fear of tragedy or not having what it takes for marriage and motherhood. Constantly hearing the phrase “marriage is hard” can often draw out these fears and doubts even more.
I think we need to repeat more phrases that speak to the divine truths of this vocation like: “There are great graces to be received in the sacrament of marriage,” or “You have greater opportunities to encounter the glory of God in suffering beyond what you did before because for once—you will not be facing it alone.”
“Marriage is hard” relays that the engaged person has never encountered suffering in their life or that it is all too minuscule to count as real suffering. Truly, there will be different kinds of suffering in marriage and parenting but there will also be new and abundant graces through the sacrament.
Every vocation comes with its own particular sufferings and requires varying sacrifices. Suffering and joy go hand in hand while pursuing sanctity. Let us be courageous in our calling and ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen our “yes.”
When we see engaged couples, may we shout with joy and urge them to continue to seek the Lord’s will with zeal. May we speak of the joy, hope, and graces that are promised in the sacrament of matrimony.
Seeking holiness is hard. Pursuing the will of the Lord is hard. But that is the joy of it—that we cannot take any credit for the graces we are given to step into such a call. Our weaknesses might be highlighted at times, but those are the moments in which the Lord’s glory is revealed.
The Lord has prepared you for this and is continually preparing you. Have courage and know that there are graces given to you here—in this season and the next.
About the Author: Mary Dufresne completed her B.A. and M.A. in Theology at Ave Maria University and writes for Litany NYC, a Catholic ethical clothing line. Mary is looking forward to marrying her beloved this May!