Discerning your Secondary Vocation

DOMINIKA RAMOS

Do you have ideas of what your role as a wife in marriage should look like? 

PHOTOGRAPHY: Matthew Lomanno

I've never believed that all women's lives should look a certain way, but I certainly had ideas of what my day-to-day duties as a wife and mother would look like. I was surprised, then, to find God calling me more than once to relinquish my expectations and to realize that his daily calling for me within the life-long vocation of marriage was something that could change.

What helped me most was coming to a fuller understanding of the Catholic Church's beliefs about vocations. The Church sees vocation on three levels: the universal call to holiness, then the primary vocation, and lastly the secondary vocation. 

Through baptism every Christian is given the universal call to holiness. The primary vocation is an individual's calling to marriage, religious life, or consecrated single life. The secondary vocation more specifically makes up your day-to-day life: your job, the way you use your gifts and talents in service of God, the volunteer opportunities you pursue and so on.

The distinction between the three is important, because when we conflate them, we can get rigid and inaccurate ideas about how we should live. 

Too often it can be tempting to listen to loud voices declaring that a faithful Catholic wife stays at home with her children, homeschools, and makes home cooked meals from scratch. Or on the flipside, other voices cry out that if there is any desire in her heart for a dream outside of the home, then not following that desire is denying herself in an essential and unhealthy way.

Neither of these extremes are dogmatic, and when they are taken as such, they can cause needless anxiety. The reality, in my own life, has been far more nuanced. 

I have lived out the secondary vocation within my primary vocation of marriage in many different ways.

I've worked both full-time and part-time outside the home. I've stayed home full time, and I've worked from home. I've sent my kids to daycare, and I've also spent every minute of the day with them. I've recently begun homeschooling my oldest, but perhaps some day I'll send him and his siblings to a brick and mortar school.

I've worked in jobs that did not suit my charisms at all (looking at you, customer service). And I've lived through seasons where the day-to-day tasks that comprise my secondary vocation have been far more fitting for my gifts: lecturing on literature or reading aloud to a preschooler.

And in all seasons there has been sacrifice. In all seasons, my husband and I have had to ask ourselves if the way we've structured our lives is contributing to peace in us as individuals and in our family as a whole, and if not, if there is something we can change to better serve one another.

The longer I've been married, the more I've realized how impermanent the circumstances of day-to-day life can be and how crucial it is to be attentive to the voice of the Holy Spirit in order to not become too attached to the kind of life we've built or the one we desire. 

Related: Exercising Discernment Through Seasons of Life

I've learned that, while it's ideal for our daily work to align with our particular charisms, there are seasons where, for the good of our family, we may have to sacrifice the work we want for the work we must do.

How, then, do you become adept at discerning your secondary vocation? I'm still learning, but here are a few things that have helped me:

Learn from the wisdom of others

Take advantage of the wisdom shared by those who have walked with many people through the same decisions you have to make. Reading a book like What's Your Decision: An Ignatian Approach to Decision Making or Jacques Phillipe's In the School of the Holy Spirit has been particularly helpful for me.

Talk to your spouse

Having regular, honest conversations with your spouse are crucial. It's so easy to go on auto-pilot under the duress of work and family life, that we can fail to see our spouse drowning or vice versa.

Make prayer a priority

We cannot listen to the noise of Catholic media personalities more than the time we spend with God Himself and expect to have clarity in our lives. Spend time with Christ in Adoration, meditate upon His Word, contemplate the mysteries of His life in the Rosary. The goal of this life, the one our secondary vocation should be directed towards, is ultimately to share in God's divine life for all eternity. We cannot do this if we do not know Him.

Discernment doesn't end once we've said "I do" and slipped the ring on our beloved's finger. It never ends, because conversion never ends. 

Understanding God's individual call to us for how we must live out our daily lives is something we must engage in constantly, individually and as a couple.

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About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Saints for Those Discerning Their Vocation

Need help discerning your vocation? There’s a saint for that. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: NIKAYLA & CO. AS SEEN IN HANNAH AND JOSH’S PRAYER-FILLED FALL WEDDING

One of the most incredible gifts given to us by the Church is the Communion of Saints. Those of us still on earth recognize the holy men and women beholding the face of God in heaven as our brothers and sisters, willing and able to help us on our journey. 

In moments where you feel lost or unsure, the saints can help guide your steps and bring you closer to Christ. 

For those readers still praying for clarity and courage in pursuing their vocation, here are seven saints to help you in this season of discernment. 

St. Joseph

As the earthly father of Jesus, Saint Joseph is a powerful intercessor for his spiritual children. He also demonstrated great trust in the will of God during his life, moving forward in faith even when God’s plan wasn’t entirely clear. 

Even when Joseph’s plans for his future seemed abruptly upended when the woman to whom he was betrothed was found with child, he remained open to hearing what God had in store for him. When an angel appeared to Joseph and told him to take Mary as his wife, he was obedient.

If you are struggling with trust in or obedience to God, pray to St. Joseph for help. 

St. Therese of Lisieux

Saint Therese of Lisieux, also known as the Little Flower, was a French Carmelite whose writings on the “Little Way” of holiness led her to be named a Doctor of the Church. She is quoted as saying a phrase that all Christians should hold in their mind, especially during seasons of discernment: “My vocation is Love!”

While Saint Therese had confidence in her call to the convent from a very young age, many people ask Saint Therese for help with discerning their vocations and have found their prayers are answered with a rose. 

Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati 

Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati is often called “the Man of the Beatitudes” because in his 24 years on earth, he lived a life of love and service. 

Many people related to Blessed Pier Giorgio because he was an ordinary guy. He became a saint by living his ordinary Christian life well. Like so many of us, he did not have it all figured out. He did not wait for the “big decisions” to be made to begin living a life of heroic virtue and love of the poor. 

Ask Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati to help you pursue holiness and excellence in this season of life. 

Related: Readers Share | The Saints Who've Shaped Your Relationships

Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin

Parents of Saint Therese, Saints Louis and Zelie Martin modeled holiness in their call to marriage and family life. However, did you know that they both initially wanted to join the religious life?

I imagine Louis and Zelie felt a lot of sorrow and confusion upon being rejected from the orders they applied to. They might have also questioned their discernment ability; yet, when Zélie first saw Louis, she heard our Blessed Mother tell her that this was the man she was to marry. They went on to have nine children, and the five that would survive infancy went on to become nuns (and saints!). 

If you’re feeling confused or unsure in your discernment, ask Saints Louis and Zelie to help you find consolation and courage in this season. 

St. Raphael

The archangel Raphael is considered the patron saint of happy meetings (and the unofficial patron saint of those seeking a spouse). In the Book of Tobit, Raphael guides Tobit’s son Tobiah to his future wife Sarah so many people often pray to Saint Raphael to similarly lead them to their future spouse. 

Pray to St. Raphael for help finding a holy spouse if you’re called to the vocation of marriage. 

St. Ignatius of Loyola

Saint Ignatius of Loyola was the founder of the Jesuits and offers a framework for discerning God’s will through his Spiritual Exercises. 

The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius provides rules for the discernment of spirits which can help you better understand the interior movements of your soul and what God desires for your life. 

If you are looking for practical ways to pray about your vocation, consider attending an Ignatian retreat and asking St. Ignatius for guidance.

Mary, Spouse of the Holy Spirit

Vocational discernment requires an openness to the Holy Spirit, so who better to turn to than Our Lady, the Spouse of the Holy Spirit, when you are in need of help when it comes to discernment? 

Saint Louis de Monfort wrote in True Devotion: “When the Holy Spirit, her spouse, finds Mary in a soul, He hastens there and enters fully into it.” 

Turn to Mary and ask her to teach you how to open your heart up to the movement of the Spirit and how to give your “fiat” to whatever He calls you to do.

A Vocation Story | Kat

KATHERINE FINNEY

For the majority of my adolescent life, I believed I was called to religious life. 

Whenever I heard the song, “Here I am, Lord” I believed it was written for me, about my call to religious life.

PHOTOGRAPHY: KASSONDRA PHOTOGRAPHY

Growing up, most of my friends considered me the “holy” or “faithful” one. I was the one no one wanted at their birthday party, because I was the “goody-good,” the one with a strict moral compass. If I didn’t do it, who would? Jesus said, “The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few.” Of all of the young people I knew, someone had to step up to the call of religious life. If it wasn’t going to be me, who would it be?

This sense of obligation, this fear of doing the wrong thing was, unfortunately, one of the greatest factors that led me to believe marriage couldn’t be the right path for me.

Along with the sense of obligation, I thought I knew very few “holy” (or what I believed to be holy) married couples in my adolescence, and I had made very poor relationship choices in high school; with this in mind, I believed marriage was a recipe for failure. I just couldn’t understand why anyone who really wanted to be a saint would want to get married.

The day after I graduated from high school, I went on a discernment retreat with the Dominican Sisters of Saint Cecilia in Nashville. They’re contemplative teachers. I felt called

to teach, and I frequently prayed for hours a day in adoration. I am also the daughter of a musician, and music is a passion of mine. If there was an order for me, this was it. 

When I went on retreat, however, I felt so uneasy and restless. I spoke with one of the sisters about my concerns. She pointed me to the story of Simeon. He waited his whole life at the temple to meet Jesus. When he met him, he knew immediately that this was the one he’d been waiting for. She prayed with me that I’d have my own “Simeon moment” when I encountered the vocation to which Jesus was calling me.

That whole summer after high school was filled with fear about the future. Would I be abandoning the call for more laborers in the vineyard if I didn’t join a religious order right away? Was I running away from my calling because I had one restless weekend on a “come and see” retreat? 

Even as I felt all of this fear, Jesus reminded me of his devotion to me. In my scariest times of discernment, in my biggest heartbreaks, he was there. He listened, he quietly nudged, he always kept his heart open to mine. With frequent, almost daily adoration and regular reception of the sacraments, discernment, over time, became less about the big picture, adn more about the next step. Less about, “What is my vocation?” and more about, “Where do we go next, Jesus?”

Over time, my vocation discernment slowly drifted away from a fear of doing the wrong thing to a movement forward in love.

After I discerned that perhaps I wasn’t called to religious life right out of high school, I started dating my first serious boyfriend. He showed me that love can be pure, an idea that was wounded by my high school relationships. He took me on the coolest, most extravagant dates, showing me that I was loved and deserved better than what I had been looking for. Jesus used him to heal some of my deepest wounds and fears about marriage. Ultimately he was not the right person for me, but he was the next right step in my discernment process.

I dated another person in college, and when that ended I was heartbroken for a while. But Jesus was there in adoration, listening, nudging, whispering that he had something great in store in his timing. Months later, I met my (now) husband, Jonathan. 

On our first date, I had a moment when I thought, “I am going to marry this man.” There it was. My Simeon moment. I didn’t want to call it that because I was still pretty afraid of heartbreak. But underlying that fear there was a deep peace, a calm stillness, a confidence that I had never encountered before.

Three nights before Jonathan proposed to me, I had a bit of a meltdown. My sister had gotten engaged that day, and for some reason all of my fears about choosing the wrong vocation came flooding back to me. 

I knew Jonathan was thinking of proposing, so I wanted to express my fears to him. What if I am called to religious life? What if I chose the wrong vocation? Jonathan listened to all of my fears. He sat quietly for a while after I expressed them to him. He asked me how I felt when I’m with him. Do I feel joy when I’m with him? Do I have peace? He told me he’d never pressure me to be with him. And he told me that Jesus is in the peace, not in the fear. Jesus is the voice that speaks encouragingly to us, not condemning us for doing the “wrong thing” when we genuinely seek to do his will. I knew the Holy Spirit was speaking these words through Jonathan. Again, I experienced a Simeon moment. This is the person I want talking to me when I’m afraid. 

“Yes” to Jonathan was the next step. The peace was there, the fear was calmed. This, in my experience, is true vocation discernment.

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About the Author: Katherine (Schluter) Finney is proudly from New Orleans, Louisiana, currently living in Nashville, Tennessee while her husband Jonathan finishes fellowship training. She and Jonathan have two daughters, Miriam (3) and Joan (18 months). Kat taught high school religion for four years and has worked for Catholic high schools for six years. She currently stays at home with her two daughters, and she spends most of her time styling hamster play-doh hair and cooking some kind of creole dish for dinner.

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The Dating Advice I Would Give My Younger Self

GENEVIEVE ALLEN

The man who was my last first date is not my husband.

But he was my type. Perfectly so. He was tall, dark, and handsome. He was college-educated, pursuing a career in a creative field, well-traveled, and a few years older than me. For our date, he took me to a fairy-lit garden full of live music, wine, and delicious food. He was wearing a light blue Oxford shirt, dark jeans, and a confident expression as we got to know each other over the mid-range red he selected for us.

On paper, this was the most perfect first date I’d ever had. This guy was Dream Date. So how did I end up married to someone else?

PHOTOGRAPHY: FIAT PHOTOGRAPHY

From the age of fifteen, I was almost always in a serious relationship. I dated a few people for long stretches at a time, even if I knew marriage would not likely be the end result. Throughout my decade of serial dating, I considered consulting books about dating with a spiritual perspective; I never read them. Finally, at the age of twenty-five, I decided to consult Jesus.

Weary, like the woman at the well who had had seven husbands but still felt alone, I approached Jesus and asked him to show me what I was doing wrong, and what I needed to do in the future. I saw the array of men I had dated and the attachments I had so easily formed, many of them still intact and causing me pain. Very clearly, I knew I needed to give my dating history over to God and carefully, prayerfully consider how to date going forward.

There was so much peace in my heart as I decided to date intentionally. I would never go on a second date if I couldn’t imagine marrying the person. I wouldn’t fearfully avoid any topics that were important to me: faith, marriage, and kids, for example. 

When I met my husband Dalton, I told him all of this upfront. On our first date at a greasy-spoon diner, I informed him that I would be dating other people, and why. He understood, which surprised me. I continued to see Dalton as I went on other dates. Sometimes I went on one date with a person, sometimes a second or third, but I made no commitments. 

At a Mardi Gras parade about a month later, I met Dream Date. In the parking lot after the date was over, he asked me on a second date. I surprised myself by gently saying no. In spite of the perfection of our date, several things had become clear to me over the previous months and on this date in particular.

Here is some advice I wish I could have given myself before I began dating: 

Age and maturity are related, but they are not the same.

One thing that surprised me about Dalton, my husband, is that although he is five years younger than me, he never seemed immature. In fact, if I tried to guess his age, I would have assumed he was at least as old as me. This was largely due to his quiet confidence and his sense of conviction about what he believed. Dream Date, on the other hand, wasn’t sure what he believed about anything, and he didn’t seem especially interested in figuring it out.

One person for whom age and maturity were related, at least in relationships, was me. It took me ten years and lots of heartbreak to learn how I needed to approach dating. In some aspects of your life, experience will be your best teacher.

You may need to discern. You should never need to wonder.

I wish I had known this. I wish every woman knew this and believed it. 

While dating, you may ask yourself many questions regarding whether you should begin or continue to pursue a relationship. The one question you should NEVER need to ask yourself, at least after a first date, is whether a guy likes you. If he is in any way worth your time, you will know. Even Dream Date, although he wasn’t right for me, was clear in his intentions about this.

Be clear about what you need and what you want in a marriage, and be willing to acknowledge the difference.

It’s crucial to know what you must have in a spouse and what is simply not important. It’s also crucial to know that you may be confused about this. Here’s a tip to help you clarify:

When considering qualities you would like to have in a future husband, make two lists:

The first list should be things you would like to see in him on a first date. Be honest and detailed in your requests. Does he have dark hair and kind eyes? Is he confident as he orders? Does he tell (modestly, and only when you ask) about the fact that he graduated summa cum laude with a Ph.D in 19th century British literature?

The second list should be things you would like to see in him at three in the morning on a night when one of your children is sick. Or when one of you has lost a job. Or when one of your parents has just died. Be honest and detailed in your requests. Is he patient and kind? Does he shoulder his portion of the responsibility? Is he willing to shoulder all of the responsibility if necessary? Can you see yourself laughing with him? Can you see yourself crying, with no makeup and in stained sweats? 

The first list is more fun to make. The second list is vital. Both are important. An ideal husband should have at least a few qualities from the first list, and all, or nearly all, from the second. Keep both lists in mind as you meet new people. Be open-minded, but hold fast to your convictions.

After my last first date, I called up Dalton and told him boldly that I wanted to see him. I had finally learned how to date, just in time to get married.

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About the Author: Genevieve currently practices as a lactation consultant and blogs with her sister Kat Finney for The Sister Post, a blog offering two perspectives on everything from spiritual discernment to baby gear. Genevieve and her husband Dalton began dating on the feast of St. Joseph. They have two children.

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Editors Share | Discerning a Vocation

The spiritual life is an ongoing journey, constantly propelling us into new stages and seasons of learning, living and loving. The process of discerning a vocation to single, married, or religious life moves each individual into new realities of more fully embracing the call to holiness through love. 

Today, members from the Spoken Bride team share a little about their own discernment processes and reveal how intimate and unique these journeys are for each person in their walk with God.

PHOTOGRAPHY: RED FERN PHOTOGRAPHY

Jiza Zito, Co-Founder and Creative Director

Throughout my late teens and early twenties, I was seriously discerning the call to religious life. Naturally, I visited the Blessed Sacrament and meditated on the Rosary as often as I could and had regular spiritual direction. When God started to close the doors as my entrance date to the convent approached, it was through the gentle and powerful intercession of Our Lady who made it apparent where God was calling me. 

More of my discernment story is available to read here.

Carissa Pluta, Editor at Large

I always felt a strong call to the vocation of marriage, but it wasn’t until college that I prayed for my vocation with an open heart, really giving God the opportunity to to make His will known. When the call to marriage was made clear (and right after a break-up), I began praying a novena of masses for my future husband and spending time in Adoration. Not only was that time spent with Christ healing for my broken heart, but it deepened my relationship with God, who soon revealed the man I would marry. 

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

I met the man who would become my husband on my first day of high school, when I was only 14. He was a devout Southern Baptist, and I was a devout practicing Catholic. Looking back, I realize this is not the typical story! I can honestly say I always took my Catholic faith quite seriously, even then, but I had never entertained an honest thought about discerning religious life. I almost felt afraid of it, or like the idea of becoming a sister or nun was more of a joke than an actual possibility. 

It wasn’t until more than four years later in college that I met other young Catholic adults who actually “discerned their vocation,” whether to marriage or religious life. This was a new mentality and practice I had never encountered before, but I suddenly felt a strong urge to do some actual discernment myself.

To make a long story short, after some interesting Holy Spirit encounters in adoration, I called up my boyfriend-of-four-years and cut off all communication for a month to immerse myself in discernment of religious life and general spiritual growth (imagine the shock of my poor Baptist boyfriend hearing that).

A month later, after discerning no real call to further explore entering an order, I called up my boyfriend again, who had actually discerned himself in that month that he needed to become Catholic! I was absolutely amazed. He entered the Church nine months before our wedding, and we’ve been married almost two years now. The Lord works in mysterious ways!

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

My discernment process started with a lot of fear. I had a very twisted misunderstanding of what it means to live in collaboration with God. To summarize my experience of vocational discernment, I learned three main things:

1. Through many hours in the presence of the Eucharist, I learned how to differentiate between the voices in my head: between temptation from Satan, pressure from my family, a projection of my own fears or wounds, the voice of God, and the tender love of Mary.

2. Through a monthly novena to St. Therese, I learned to see the equal yet different beauty of each Vocation. I grew in my ability to honor and celebrate the various vocations and the ways each individual is called to love and be loved.

3. Through a lot of grace, I learned how to discern the desires of my heart, which are implanted in my heart as a gift from God. In turn, I began to pursue a vocation to married life with clarity, confidence, freedom, peace, and joy.