Navigating Prayer in a Catholic Dating Relationship

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HANNAH HOLLCRAFT

 

We rightly want to entrust all of our relationships to the Lord, our dating relationships included but figuring out what that looks like with your significant other can be difficult.

One key element to praying together while dating is to keep things simple. As a dating relationship naturally progresses, entrusting your relationship to the Lord together should also follow that progression. Just as we are prudent with our physical bodies and emotional needs, we should also be virtuous with the intimate parts of our spirituality.

With this in mind we should be conscious of how we are weaving our prayer lives together with someone we are dating. Our focus should be our own relationship with Jesus and the way he is speaking to our hearts about the relationship and our own faith journey. When we spend too much time intimately in prayer with someone we are dating, it can be confusing and make it more difficult to make decisions about the relationship from a place of clarity.

Dating is one big lesson in discernment and as such it is a time to really focus on the Lord’s voice in your own personal prayer life. 

The more you are spending time with Him the more you will know and recognize the way he is inviting you to move forward in your relationship or the possibility that he is inviting you away from the relationship because he has greater plans for your life.

When you first begin going on dates with someone, before you’ve stepped into a relationship with them, I would suggest just lifting up your date and that person to the Lord simply from your own heart.

Once you enter an exclusive dating relationship, an easy way to introduce prayer is to choose a memorized prayer you both like and pray that together at the beginning or end of spending time together. Maybe a Memorarae, a Hail Mary or Our Father, or any other prayer you both know and love. This is a good way to take time to entrust your relationship to God, thank him for the joy you find in spending time together, and surrender your desires to his will.

As your relationship gets more serious and you are discerning engagement your prayer together can grow accordingly. One thing my now-husband and I integrated into our dating life at this stage was a daily mass and breakfast date once a week. Sometimes we would talk about the readings or the feast day/memorial over breakfast, but mostly it was just a simple way to come to Jesus together in prayer and offer him our discernment. We also occasionally attended confession or Sunday Mass together.

Related: The Dating Advice I Would Give My Younger Self

This helped us both to picture what living our Catholic faith together might look like in marriage but kept our own personal relationships with the Lord at the forefront. A simple prayer routine that follows the natural progression of the relationship at this stage should do exactly that. It should help you to imagine what living your Catholic faith alongside one another might look like in marriage, remind you that you are each seeking the will of God rather than your own desires, and keep your individual relationships with the Lord the primary place of prayer.

Praying with someone you are dating will appear different from couple to couple. But whatever that might look like, when we allow our prayer to progress prudently it prepares us to move forward in whatever way God is calling us towards vocation, be that engagement and marriage, a different relationship, or towards religious life. While there is a lot that can be said on this topic, I hope that each of you can find peace in this area of dating that doesn't need to be over-complicated.

About the Author: Hannah lives in Northern California with her husband Joshua and their daughter. She studied Theology and Business in school and has worked in ministry since graduating. Hannah’s Catholic faith is rooted in a deep love for the Eucharist and Our Blessed Mother. She is passionate about beauty, adventure, and living abundantly. Hannah loves warm weather, gardening, a good dance party and hiking in the mountains or visiting the ocean with her husband.

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Vendor Week 2021 | Navigating Catholic Dating & Engagement With Confidence

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SARA FEOLINO

 

This February 20-27  is our annual Vendor Week: days dedicated to showcasing the best of the Catholic wedding industry through Spoken Bride’s blog content, podcast interviews, and social media. Everyday this week, we will share wisdom and expertise of some of our talented Vendors to help you in your wedding planning.

If you are recently engaged, we invite you to browse the Spoken Bride Vendor Guide, specifically designed to connect brides and grooms with planners, photographers, florists, artisans, and more who share the same faith and bring a distinctively Catholic outlook to their client experience.

My parent’s divorce set me up for failure in my relationships.

I was raised by my single mother because my parents separated when I was still an infant. I didn’t have my dad around all the time to show me how a man should love and so I learned the hard way...

I’ve experienced both ends of the relationship spectrum. Possessive, demanding, manipulating boyfriend to having a boyfriend who didn’t really try to be in our relationship.

In my worst relationship, we fought so often that I would go out of my way to avoid rocking the boat, only to have accidentally rocked it in some other way. Instead of having healthy boundaries and healthy communication, I was faced with demands and ultimatums and being yelled at for things I didn’t know would upset him.

My husband also had his fair share of toxic relationships in the past. He struggled to communicate his needs and emotions and would end up bottling it all up until the dam would burst.

He struggled with things that many couples face like lust, chastity, and pornography. He was actually engaged to another woman that he was with for over five years. But by the grace of God and the help of his spiritual director, he started recognizing these unhealthy habits and behaviors, which led him to make the hard decision of ending the engagement.

I remember him sharing his story openly with me early in our friendship and saw the similarities of experiences we both had.

We realized that no one really taught us how to be in a healthy relationship which resulted in our challenging past.

When we started courting, we decided to do things differently so we wouldn’t repeat what happened in our other relationships.

The most important thing that was missing in all of our past relationships with Christ. We knew that in order for things to change in our relationship, we would have to keep Him in the center. 

We made it a priority to attend daily Mass on most days together, went to Confession often, started a weekly Eucharistic adoration devotion, plugged into a Catholic young adult ministry, and served in our parish together doing youth ministry. We needed His grace to experience healing of our past and find clarity in our discernment together.

We also decided to invest in our own personal and relationship growth. We studied & learned from experts in the areas of relationships, marriage, finances, and so much more and found ways to implement them. We invested in different conferences, events, and courses. We didn’t want to rely on our pre-Cana three day weekend retreat to prepare us for a lifelong marriage. 

We knew that if it took a seminarian nearly a decade to prepare for the priesthood, we had to invest more in our relationship if we wanted our marriage to last a lifetime.

This whole journey of creating a more Christ-centered and growth-focused relationship helped us avoid hurting each other the way our past relationships had. We learned how to communicate our wants and needs, discuss the hard questions and concerns, without fear or tension building between each other.

By developing our skills in our relationship before the wedding day, we confidently entered into our marriage. We were able to work through “tough” situations and take care of it as a team. We are now more proactive in our marriage, not reactive.

In our ministry as premarital relationship coaches, we have seen firsthand the importance of couples intentionally growing in their faith and relationship as they discern marriage. Building the skills of communication, conflict resolution, finances, dating, and more help them have clearer vocational discernment, and enter their marriage with momentum.

See, entering marriage is like entering a battlefield. You don’t win battles by just “winging it” and trying to figure it out while you’re in the heat of things. There needs to be intentional planning & strategizing prior to entering the battle to increase chances of victory. This intentionality before marriage allows couples to be more proactive, rather than reactive, when they experience challenges in their relationship.

The devil despises marriage and divorce is his victory;I’m sure you’ve seen the saddening divorce statistics. However, this can be avoided if we keep Christ in the center, master key relationship skills, live with intention, and never fall complacent!

If you’re reading this right now, whether you’re dating, engaged, or newly married, there is hope for a lifelong marriage.

It doesn’t matter what challenges and struggles you may have experienced in the past, you can create a holy & thriving marriage by the grace of God. His mercy and power is abundant and He is with you always.

Whatever you do, stay proactive in your relationship. Don’t sweep issues under the rug or wait until your relationship is filled with unhealthy habits & behaviors to start working on it. It’s like how you sustain your spiritual life– you receive the sacraments by going to Mass, spend time in Adoration, go to confession, and read spiritual books, all to be proactive with nurturing your faith. You must implement this same type of intention, tenacity & persistence with your relationship if you want it to thrive.

We are praying for all you holy couples on your journey to marriage. God be with you. Stay hopeful, my friends!

About the Author: Sara Feolino & her husband, Raphy, are the founders of Journey to Marriage, a ministry that empowers Catholic couples to create holy and healthy relationships before marriage. She is a Certified Relationship Coach & Wedding Planner. They are hosts of the podcast, Journey to Marriage - For Catholic Brides & Grooms, which reaches couples worldwide, sharing practical spiritual, relationship, & wedding advice. They hosted the first ever virtual conference for couples preparing for marriage, the Catholic Engaged Summit, a virtual event featuring over 60+ married Catholic speakers sharing their marriage secrets & expertise to Catholics around the world. They live in Las Vegas, Nevada and are huge foodies, enjoy jammin’ to Disney & worship songs, burning up the dance floor, and loving on their newborn daughter.

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The Dating Advice I Would Give My Younger Self

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GENEVIEVE ALLEN

 

The man who was my last first date is not my husband.

But he was my type. Perfectly so. He was tall, dark, and handsome. He was college-educated, pursuing a career in a creative field, well-traveled, and a few years older than me. For our date, he took me to a fairy-lit garden full of live music, wine, and delicious food. He was wearing a light blue Oxford shirt, dark jeans, and a confident expression as we got to know each other over the mid-range red he selected for us.

On paper, this was the most perfect first date I’d ever had. This guy was Dream Date. So how did I end up married to someone else?

PHOTOGRAPHY: FIAT PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: FIAT PHOTOGRAPHY

From the age of fifteen, I was almost always in a serious relationship. I dated a few people for long stretches at a time, even if I knew marriage would not likely be the end result. Throughout my decade of serial dating, I considered consulting books about dating with a spiritual perspective; I never read them. Finally, at the age of twenty-five, I decided to consult Jesus.

Weary, like the woman at the well who had had seven husbands but still felt alone, I approached Jesus and asked him to show me what I was doing wrong, and what I needed to do in the future. I saw the array of men I had dated and the attachments I had so easily formed, many of them still intact and causing me pain. Very clearly, I knew I needed to give my dating history over to God and carefully, prayerfully consider how to date going forward.

There was so much peace in my heart as I decided to date intentionally. I would never go on a second date if I couldn’t imagine marrying the person. I wouldn’t fearfully avoid any topics that were important to me: faith, marriage, and kids, for example. 

When I met my husband Dalton, I told him all of this upfront. On our first date at a greasy-spoon diner, I informed him that I would be dating other people, and why. He understood, which surprised me. I continued to see Dalton as I went on other dates. Sometimes I went on one date with a person, sometimes a second or third, but I made no commitments. 

At a Mardi Gras parade about a month later, I met Dream Date. In the parking lot after the date was over, he asked me on a second date. I surprised myself by gently saying no. In spite of the perfection of our date, several things had become clear to me over the previous months and on this date in particular.

Here is some advice I wish I could have given myself before I began dating: 

Age and maturity are related, but they are not the same.

One thing that surprised me about Dalton, my husband, is that although he is five years younger than me, he never seemed immature. In fact, if I tried to guess his age, I would have assumed he was at least as old as me. This was largely due to his quiet confidence and his sense of conviction about what he believed. Dream Date, on the other hand, wasn’t sure what he believed about anything, and he didn’t seem especially interested in figuring it out.

One person for whom age and maturity were related, at least in relationships, was me. It took me ten years and lots of heartbreak to learn how I needed to approach dating. In some aspects of your life, experience will be your best teacher.

You may need to discern. You should never need to wonder.

I wish I had known this. I wish every woman knew this and believed it. 

While dating, you may ask yourself many questions regarding whether you should begin or continue to pursue a relationship. The one question you should NEVER need to ask yourself, at least after a first date, is whether a guy likes you. If he is in any way worth your time, you will know. Even Dream Date, although he wasn’t right for me, was clear in his intentions about this.

Be clear about what you need and what you want in a marriage, and be willing to acknowledge the difference.

It’s crucial to know what you must have in a spouse and what is simply not important. It’s also crucial to know that you may be confused about this. Here’s a tip to help you clarify:

When considering qualities you would like to have in a future husband, make two lists:

The first list should be things you would like to see in him on a first date. Be honest and detailed in your requests. Does he have dark hair and kind eyes? Is he confident as he orders? Does he tell (modestly, and only when you ask) about the fact that he graduated summa cum laude with a Ph.D in 19th century British literature?

The second list should be things you would like to see in him at three in the morning on a night when one of your children is sick. Or when one of you has lost a job. Or when one of your parents has just died. Be honest and detailed in your requests. Is he patient and kind? Does he shoulder his portion of the responsibility? Is he willing to shoulder all of the responsibility if necessary? Can you see yourself laughing with him? Can you see yourself crying, with no makeup and in stained sweats? 

The first list is more fun to make. The second list is vital. Both are important. An ideal husband should have at least a few qualities from the first list, and all, or nearly all, from the second. Keep both lists in mind as you meet new people. Be open-minded, but hold fast to your convictions.

After my last first date, I called up Dalton and told him boldly that I wanted to see him. I had finally learned how to date, just in time to get married.

About the Author: Genevieve currently practices as a lactation consultant and blogs with her sister Kat Finney for The Sister Post, a blog offering two perspectives on everything from spiritual discernment to baby gear. Genevieve and her husband Dalton began dating on the feast of St. Joseph. They have two children.

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