Smashing the Idol of Perfectionism in Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

Of the many ways that the vocation of marriage can shape and purify us, one I've found both fantastically difficult and incredibly freeing is the way in which it calls for the absolute demolition of the idols hidden within my heart, specifically perfectionism.

It makes those false gods obvious, laid bare in my experiences of disappointment or unmet expectation - I have to confront those experiences and ask myself honestly if they are reasonable reactions (we are fallen people that fail each other) or if they stem from casting my own vision of what my marriage and my spouse should look like, making that the most important thing.

In marriage, we walk alongside our spouse - entrusted to each other and in that union entrusted to God. Peace comes from knowing God resides there at our center, His grace present in the sacramental bond that tethers us. With His life-giving love to form our vision of what true love should look like lived out and through which to discern where we are headed, things make much more sense. We're more fully able to accept our spouse fully, loving that person deeply through seasons of growth and change and even struggle or failure. 

When we enthrone Christ in the center of our relationship, we can see Him in our spouse so much more clearly and remain focused on our call to love and honor our spouse always. 

But when we replace that with our own view of how we think things should be we can find ourselves trapped worshipping a false god of our own creation. We can get stuck striving for what we think a perfected marriage and life should look like, rather than what God has and continues to reveal to us.

It can be easier than I'd like to admit to dethrone God from the central place where He belongs within my marriage. To instead place my own image of perfection there and slip into caring primarily about creating the kind of life and relationship that will fulfill my personal desires and presumptions of what a holy and happy marriage or family should look like. But there's little space to live and breathe and love authentically there. We spend too much energy striving for something that God doesn’t ask of us, which will never satisfy.

The false idol of perfectionism in marriage will only fill our hearts with a spirit of comparison and the erroneous belief that once things look the way we think they should - once we fix this issue, or my spouse stops acting that way, or this life situation becomes easier - then we will finally have the happiness we desire. 

Sometimes in our longing for the perfect love for which we were created, we can craft mental images that seem good but really end up distorting our vision of the good that actually lies in front of us. And Satan loves to twist those well-intentioned desires into straight up idols that stand in the way of us receiving God's goodness, and instead breed resentment, dissatisfaction, and isolation. From there it becomes ever easier to fall into despair because it seems like things may never look as they "should." This lie can keep us trapped and self-serving if we don't see it for what it truly is.

Once we get stuck creating our own vision of perfection for our marriage, placing that above all else, our real life spouse and real life circumstances may never feel like enough. They may never meet the standard we create for them and even if they do, this is a false victory rooted in selfishness. It's concerned first with what I want, creating the life I think will make me happy in the way I envision. It will always end up falling short and ultimately opposing the kind of self-sacrificial love God invites us to live in this vocation.

Marriage invites us to fight against false idols together by becoming honest together. By facing the expectations and hopes we have, placing them in right order or casting them aside when we find them becoming the things we aim for instead of God Himself. 

If perfectionism creeps into our marriage, we should run to God and ask Him to show us our poverty, to help us remember that the goodness He created us for is greater than any temporal situation we can try to curate for ourselves. Place Him once again on the throne and smash those darn idols into dust so they don't stand in our way, blocking our view of the glorious life we actually have before us and the wonderful spouse we have chosen and the real moments of our day in which we can strive for holiness. 

Smashing idols, working again and again in our imperfection to enthrone God within our hearts so we can love each other well and strive after what will really fulfill us, that sounds better than anything I could imagine.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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