What Married Couples Can Learn from the Rhythms of Religious Communities
/ERIN BUCHMANN
Growing up, I was confident my vocation was to the religious life. As a teenager and young adult, I visited a variety of convents and talked with many, many religious sisters. In time God revealed my calling to marriage, but those early encounters with the monastic lifestyle opened my eyes to its richness, depth, and sublime beauty.
PHOTOGRAPHY: COLETTE M. PHOTOGRAPHY
Although marriage and the religious life are very different vocations in many ways, there are several practices broadly characteristic of monasticism which a couple can incorporate into their family life. Here are a few of the practices that have proven fruitful (and achievable!) in my marriage.
Set a schedule
The monastic life is grounded upon and centered by the Liturgy of the Hours. With their days hinged upon Lauds in the morning and Vespers in the evening, all the religious’ other prayers and works fall into their allocated, proper places.
Having a shared schedule, with times for prayer, family meals, work, and recreation, can give refreshing order to a family’s day too. A certain degree of flexibility here is okay and even necessary in our lay vocation, but having a schedule can help us live intentionally and prioritize the things that are truly important in our day.
My husband and I try to keep our routines in sync by getting up in the morning and going to bed at night together. A cornerstone in our day is the 30 minutes or so each evening when we pray the daily readings and the rosary together. Many weekends we try to do something outdoors as a family, like a hike or a bike ride. Holding this framework in common provides the added benefit of drawing us both into the same room of our home multiple times a day. Conversation and connection come easily when we’re both brushing our teeth or setting the table in anticipation of a shared bedtime or meal!
Pray, together and alone
One of the things that surprised me most about prayer post-marriage is how much it, like everything else in my life, became an “us” activity rather than a “me” activity. Praying together as a couple is so key to a healthy marriage, but taking time to be alone with God is indispensable too.
Even religious communities, whose members spend so much time in communal prayer, often still have certain devotions that are prayed alone. In some communities this is a daily rosary, in others it is the stations of the cross. Members are expected to set aside time apart from their other prayers and work to practice this devotion in a way and at a time of day that they personally find particularly suitable. While one religious might prefer to say her rosary during a walk through the garden, another might find that being alone in her cell or in the chapel while she prays draws her mind and heart most fully to God.
Similarly, husbands and wives need not be afraid to cultivate their personal relationships with God, in ways they individually find fruitful. It is okay if these ways are different between spouses!
I find that praying with the psalms orients my heart more properly to God, so I try to pray Lauds each morning. My husband likes to reflect upon the life and heart of his patron saint, St. Joseph, as he works and sacrifices to provide for our family. Although these are devotions we pursue individually, we can usually tell when the other hasn’t been praying well! Our personal relationships with God really do affect every aspect of our shared life.
Observe the evangelical counsels
Poverty, chastity and obedience each have their place in a marriage. Although couples are not bound through public profession to follow these counsels in their fullness, as many religious are, observing the evangelical counsels in a manner appropriate to the married vocation is nevertheless an excellent way in which spouses can grow to imitate Christ more fully.
The ways in which a married couple lives out the evangelical counsels will look very different from the ways in which a religious does. Yet, in their striving to love purely, the spouses find a model in Christ’s chastity. By acknowledging that everything they receive comes from God and should not be clung to but instead given generously, they emulate His poverty. In seeking to follow God’s will in all things, they recall His obedience.
Keep silence
Many religious communities observe “grand silence” following Compline, the final communal prayer of the day. Silence extends until Matins, the first communal prayer of the next morning. As its name suggests, there is no talking permitted in the community during these night hours—it’s a time for the religious to rest alone with God.
A much-scaled-back version of grand silence can also be practiced in marriage. My husband and I have found devoting an hour or so in the evenings to electronics-free connection time to be enormously beneficial to our relationship. During this time we might pray or read together, work on a puzzle or play a game, or just talk and cuddle. The key is that this is a time for us to simply be together, without outside distraction. It’s a time for us to reconnect with each other and with God before turning in for the night.
Read more: 3 Simple Ways to Reduce Screens in Your New Marriage
Spouses are certainly not called to observe all the rigors and devotions characteristic of a monastery. As St. Frances of Rome, herself a wife and mother, said, “A married woman must often leave God at the altar to find him in her household care.” Since the ultimate goal of a life lived in any vocation is union with God, however, married couples can look to the monastic lifestyle for inspiration and encouragement as they seek to cultivate a home life that honors God and makes Him known to the world.
About the Author: Erin Buchmann hails from the lake country of central Minnesota. Her spiritual role models include St. Teresa of Avila, St. Edith Stein, St. Catherine of Siena and, of course, Our Lady. She and her husband are the parents of two little miracles.