An Unexpected Hour: Encountering the God of Surprises

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ERIN BUCHMANN

 

Advent can feel like a challenging season if it comes at a time when God doesn’t seem to be answering our prayers.

The season invites us to recall images of the Annunciation, the Visitation, and the journey to Bethlehem for the birth of Christ. Mary is pregnant, eagerly awaiting the birth of Christ and the imminent fruition of God’s long-promised salvation. God’s hand is visibly at work in her life and in the world. 

The hour of redemption that the world has been preparing for since the Fall in the garden of Eden is quickly approaching. Jesus is near.

Yet, for us, sometimes Advent can come during a season of life when Jesus feels less near, God less active. 

Sometimes we may feel more like the patriarch Jacob’s wife, Rachel: forgotten, abandoned by the Lord. We long for the fulfillment of the desires of our hearts, and yet we know full well that only God can fulfill our desires for children, for a spouse, for love. It can feel as though God isn’t listening to our prayers when we don’t see them answered as we expect.

Approaching Advent as a time of preparation to meet Christ, both at Bethlehem and at the second coming, is not a wrong way of approaching the season. But if you find yourself feeling frustrated by Christ’s seeming absence this year, I encourage you to try approaching Advent in a different way. 

Instead of looking for the expected Christ, as the savior for whom you have been eagerly waiting, open your heart instead to encounter the Christ of the unexpected, the God of surprises.

What do I mean by this? You may have your life planned out in your mind. You have your hopes and your dreams, which you have brought repeatedly to God and placed at His feet. I encourage you to go one step further. 

Set those hopes and dreams and that plan for your life at God’s feet and leave them there. Then keep walking forward in your life. Take the next right step, as you understand it. Don’t over-analyze. If you find peace, continue forward. If not, change something. You might discover Christ waiting for you behind a door you only needed to open.

God knows the plans we hold, and our dreams. He likes it when we bring these things to Him in prayer. But God is not a machine, where an input of this prayer yields that result. We cannot fathom His timing. 

As in our lives, God’s action and presence in the story of the first Advent is comprehensible only in retrospect. To Mary, Elizabeth, and Joseph, it was shrouded in mystery.

When we view God as a machine, we essentially reverse our roles. We imagine ourselves as the mover and God as the instrument. 

By surrendering our hopes to Him, especially the ones we hold most dear, we adopt a true Advent mindset, the mindset of Mary. We adopt a mindset of trust in God’s goodness. 

Trust doesn’t plan, nor does it cling to what was left behind. It does not become discouraged, because it does not expect. It simply believes in the goodness of the One in whom it is placed. It allows God to work in our lives as He wishes, not as we hope or envision. It helps us to accept everything we receive from God as a gift.

You will walk through Advents when your life doesn’t feel like Mary’s, when there is no Joseph standing beside you or when your womb is frustratingly empty. Do not become discouraged. Christmas is not a deadline by which Jesus is bound. 

He loves you, and He actively works in your life whether you see His hand or not. Have the courage to allow Him to surprise you with His good gifts, according to His timing. God is trustworthy. He will not leave you abandoned, or lonely, or empty. At an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come .

About the Author: Erin Buchmann hails from the frozen wilderness of central Minnesota. She and her husband are the parents of three little miracles.

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Praying with Mary, Wife of Joseph

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ERIN BUCHMANN

 

In sacred art, popular devotion, and even the liturgical calendar, the Church often honors the Blessed Virgin Mary in her role as Jesus’ mother. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: KASSONDRA PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: KASSONDRA PHOTOGRAPHY

This makes sense: after all, each of our lives draws meaning from Jesus and is meant to be centered upon Him, and Mary’s life was centered upon Jesus in a very concrete way through their mother-child relationship. 

But while she is in fact Jesus’ mom and the spouse of the Holy Spirit (and not to diminish those realities!), during her earthly life she was also the wife of a human spouse, St. Joseph.

As brides, we can relate to Mary in this shared role. She has so much to teach us about human love and spousal life!

As the Joyful, Luminous, Sorrowful and Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary help the faithful to meditate upon Mary’s relationship with Jesus, consider praying over the keystone events in Mary’s relationship with St. Joseph in a similar way, especially in this year dedicated to St. Joseph.

Here is a rosary-style reflection on five events Mary and Joseph experienced together in their marriage: their wedding, the flight into Egypt, their search for Jesus in Jerusalem, daily life in Nazareth, and Joseph’s death.

The First Spousal Mystery: Mary and Joseph are Wed

“Joseph … was a righteous man”

I imagine Mary must have been excited about her upcoming wedding. Joseph, being a righteous man, would likewise have been approaching their wedding day with complete purity of heart and mind. Surely neither one ever expected the path their love story would take (who could anticipate receiving multiple angelic visits and parenting the son of God, after all?), but by rooting their hearts in a perfect love of God and of each other, Mary and Joseph would have been able to receive each blessing from God and from each other as a gift unshrouded by sin, selfishness, or expectations.

Mary, help me to love my husband with perfect purity.

The Second Spousal Mystery: The Flight into Egypt

“Joseph rose and took the child and his mother by night and departed for Egypt.”

Assuming Jesus was a typical, squirmy, squirrely little kid, Mary probably had her hands full with him, especially as they fled to Egypt to avoid the wrath of King Herod. Not to mention that they were traveling at night and probably trying to travel quietly! She must have relied on Joseph to guard their little family from all sorts of dangers and potential pitfalls during this journey. She could not do everything on her own, but neither was she called to. Just as God had given her to be a helpmate to Joseph, God had given Joseph as a helpmate to her.

Mary, help me to trust in my husband’s ability to provide for our family.

The Third Spousal Mystery: Searching for Jesus in Jerusalem

“Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety.”

The three days during which Mary and Joseph were searching for Jesus must have been among the most stressful times of their shared life. Mary surely trusted in God’s providence throughout, but as she herself says, she was more than a little nervous! There must have been a great temptation for both Mary and Joseph to cast blame on the other, to grow sharp with each other, and to withdraw from each other rather than draw closer together in light of the stressful situation they were facing. Yet, after three days of searching, Mary and Joseph arrived at the temple side by side and there found Jesus.

Mary, help me to always remember that my husband and I are on the same team.

The Fourth Spousal Mystery: Daily Life in Nazareth

“Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your home”

We know little about the day-to-day life of the Holy Family in Nazareth. Like any family, the Holy Family probably also experienced their share of hardships: misunderstandings, tight finances, challenging circumstances, deaths and divisions in their extended family. Mary likely knew well the exhaustion that accompanies long nights sitting up with a sick child and the tedium of household chores. There may have even been times when Mary longed for a break from her household and her family, even though she loved them dearly. Mary and Joseph were both human, after all!

Mary, help me to see the gifts and the graces hidden within my ordinary, daily life.

The Fifth Spousal Mystery: The Death of Joseph

“Perfect love drives out fear”

Mary was probably only in her thirties or early forties when Joseph passed away, leaving her a widow. Despite the relative brevity of their relationship their marriage was clearly a successful one, as both Mary and Joseph are not only saints, but Queen of Heaven and Patron of the Universal Church, respectively! I imagine their final moments together at Joseph’s deathbed were infused with sorrow at their impending separation, but also filled with hope, joy and a deep peace. Each was entrusting both themselves and their beloved spouse to God in a new way.

Mary, help me to love my husband with the peace that comes from God.

Spend some time meditating with these moments in the life of the Holy Family, and learn from the example set by Mary and St. Joseph’s marriage to help you grow in holiness through your own vocation. 

About the Author: Erin Buchmann hails from the lake country of central Minnesota. She enjoys writing things, cooking things, growing things, and spending time with her family. She and her husband are the parents of two little miracles.

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What Married Couples Can Learn from the Rhythms of Religious Communities

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ERIN BUCHMANN

 

Growing up, I was confident my vocation was to the religious life. As a teenager and young adult, I visited a variety of convents and talked with many, many religious sisters. In time God revealed my calling to marriage, but those early encounters with the monastic lifestyle opened my eyes to its richness, depth, and sublime beauty.

PHOTOGRAPHY: COLETTE M. PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: COLETTE M. PHOTOGRAPHY

Although marriage and the religious life are very different vocations in many ways, there are several practices broadly characteristic of monasticism which a couple can incorporate into their family life. Here are a few of the practices that have proven fruitful (and achievable!) in my marriage.

Set a schedule

The monastic life is grounded upon and centered by the Liturgy of the Hours. With their days hinged upon Lauds in the morning and Vespers in the evening, all the religious’ other prayers and works fall into their allocated, proper places.

Having a shared schedule, with times for prayer, family meals, work, and recreation, can give refreshing order to a family’s day too. A certain degree of flexibility here is okay and even necessary in our lay vocation, but having a schedule can help us live intentionally and prioritize the things that are truly important in our day.

My husband and I try to keep our routines in sync by getting up in the morning and going to bed at night together. A cornerstone in our day is the 30 minutes or so each evening when we pray the daily readings and the rosary together. Many weekends we try to do something outdoors as a family, like a hike or a bike ride. Holding this framework in common provides the added benefit of drawing us both into the same room of our home multiple times a day. Conversation and connection come easily when we’re both brushing our teeth or setting the table in anticipation of a shared bedtime or meal!

Pray, together and alone

One of the things that surprised me most about prayer post-marriage is how much it, like everything else in my life, became an “us” activity rather than a “me” activity. Praying together as a couple is so key to a healthy marriage, but taking time to be alone with God is indispensable too.

Even religious communities, whose members spend so much time in communal prayer, often still have certain devotions that are prayed alone. In some communities this is a daily rosary, in others it is the stations of the cross. Members are expected to set aside time apart from their other prayers and work to practice this devotion in a way and at a time of day that they personally find particularly suitable. While one religious might prefer to say her rosary during a walk through the garden, another might find that being alone in her cell or in the chapel while she prays draws her mind and heart most fully to God.

Similarly, husbands and wives need not be afraid to cultivate their personal relationships with God, in ways they individually find fruitful. It is okay if these ways are different between spouses!

I find that praying with the psalms orients my heart more properly to God, so I try to pray Lauds each morning. My husband likes to reflect upon the life and heart of his patron saint, St. Joseph, as he works and sacrifices to provide for our family. Although these are devotions we pursue individually, we can usually tell when the other hasn’t been praying well! Our personal relationships with God really do affect every aspect of our shared life.

Observe the evangelical counsels

Poverty, chastity and obedience each have their place in a marriage. Although couples are not bound through public profession to follow these counsels in their fullness, as many religious are, observing the evangelical counsels in a manner appropriate to the married vocation is nevertheless an excellent way in which spouses can grow to imitate Christ more fully.

The ways in which a married couple lives out the evangelical counsels will look very different from the ways in which a religious does. Yet, in their striving to love purely, the spouses find a model in Christ’s chastity. By acknowledging that everything they receive comes from God and should not be clung to but instead given generously, they emulate His poverty. In seeking to follow God’s will in all things, they recall His obedience.

Related: How Couples Can Embrace Gospel Poverty

Keep silence

Many religious communities observe “grand silence” following Compline, the final communal prayer of the day. Silence extends until Matins, the first communal prayer of the next morning. As its name suggests, there is no talking permitted in the community during these night hours—it’s a time for the religious to rest alone with God.

A much-scaled-back version of grand silence can also be practiced in marriage. My husband and I have found devoting an hour or so in the evenings to electronics-free connection time to be enormously beneficial to our relationship. During this time we might pray or read together, work on a puzzle or play a game, or just talk and cuddle. The key is that this is a time for us to simply be together, without outside distraction. It’s a time for us to reconnect with each other and with God before turning in for the night.

Read more: 3 Simple Ways to Reduce Screens in Your New Marriage

Spouses are certainly not called to observe all the rigors and devotions characteristic of a monastery. As St. Frances of Rome, herself a wife and mother, said, “A married woman must often leave God at the altar to find him in her household care.” Since the ultimate goal of a life lived in any vocation is union with God, however, married couples can look to the monastic lifestyle for inspiration and encouragement as they seek to cultivate a home life that honors God and makes Him known to the world.

About the Author: Erin Buchmann hails from the lake country of central Minnesota. Her spiritual role models include St. Teresa of Avila, St. Edith Stein, St. Catherine of Siena and, of course, Our Lady. She and her husband are the parents of two little miracles.

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Walking with Abraham

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ERIN BUCHMANN

 

If you were to ask me on our wedding day whether the story of Abraham and Isaac had anything to do with marriage, I’d have answered no. Yet, a year later, I could not shake this story from my mind. And now, two years after our wedding day, I consider it one of the most profound lessons I’ve learned as a wife.

A year ago, our family was in a season of deep mourning. Two months before, we had buried our son, our only child, whom we’d miscarried. I was still grieving his death acutely and my husband, in addition to being my comforter-in-chief, had also become a sort of mental health guardian for me. 

He was the one talking me over the mountains of sadness and offering me his shoulder so I could cry through all the feelings my heart was experiencing. I truly felt that he was in many ways acting as my safety chain: his companionship was keeping me from free-falling off the emotional cliff I was hanging from, keeping me from tumbling down into an abyss of grief. 

Please, Lord, I often prayed, don’t take him away from me! If he were to die too, I’d really fall apart emotionally.

Although my husband is the one God has given me to cling to, in good times and in bad ones such as this, in my grief I had begun to cling to him too tightly. 

Having experienced the depth of the pain that can accompany the loss of a close family member, I became terrified that God might ask me to go through that agonizing pain of loss again: this time without my husband’s presence and support. 

I had, metaphorically, wrapped both my arms around my husband’s waist and positioned myself between him and God, attempting to shield him from the one who holds the keys of death.

Related: When Earthly Marriage Feels Preferable to Heaven

Then, out of my prayer walked Abraham. He loved his son Isaac dearly, as I love my husband. And, just as I feared God would ask me, God really did ask Abraham if he would be willing to part with the one he loved! 

But whereas I had become fearful of what God might do, Abraham trusted the unsearchable wisdom within His plans. 

Even more courageously, he trusted that God had both his good and the good of his precious son in mind. And so, grounded in his faith, he stepped forward: “Early the next morning Abraham saddled his donkey, took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac, and after cutting the wood for the burnt offering, set out for the place of which God had told him.”

When God asked Abraham to fully entrust to him his beloved, he did. Although he still certainly loved Isaac beyond measure, Abraham allowed God to have the ultimate word in determining the course of his son’s life. And everything turned out not merely alright for Abraham, but very good! 

“Because you acted as you did in not withholding from me your son, your only one,” God told him, “I will bless you and make your descendants as countless as the stars of the sky and the sands of the seashore; your descendants will take possession of the gates of their enemies, and in your descendants all the nations of the earth will find blessing, because you obeyed my command.”

Here is where I believe the story of Abraham and Isaac has something great to teach us about marriage and family life. 

Like Abraham, I believe God wants to teach us not only to trust His plans, but also to entrust the lives and even the salvation of our loved ones to him. Abraham’s experience shows us that God has the best interests of both us and our loved ones in mind. We need not fear Him. 

This is the challenge put to us by Abraham’s example: will we let God love our spouse even more than we do? 

What if what is best for his salvation is death at a young age, a return to God sooner than we hope? If this is what God asks of us, are we willing to surrender our beloved to His embrace instead of our own? 

The same challenge holds with regard to our children. Are we willing to entrust them to God’s loving care, even if this means accompanying them through great sickness or suffering, or promising them on their deathbed that we will never forget them? What if God desires to hold our unborn child first?

Today, two years after our wedding day, one year after my encounter with Abraham, I sit writing and holding our sleeping daughter, our rainbow baby. 

Throughout my pregnancy with her, memories of our son’s death and fears that we would not get to meet her on this side of heaven would often surface in my mind.

But, to my amazement, responding to these fears with a prayer of entrustment really helped me remain calm, hopeful, and grounded in God, like Abraham was. 

Often this prayer was simple: God, I know you love our daughter even more than we do. I don’t ask that you keep her alive, because you know what is ultimately best for her, but please shelter her in your arms and protect her from all evil.

As my pregnancy progressed and I entrusted her more and more to God, I found that I became not detached from her but instead much more able to bond with her and embrace every moment I was given to share with her on earth. 

Eventually, I even became able to act with faith, as Abraham did when he saddled his donkey. I became able to prepare materially for her birth, something I had been reluctant to do out of fear that she, like our son, might die before we met.

I encourage you to consider accepting Abraham’s challenge. I hope that you too find tremendous peace and strength in entrusting to God the people you love most dearly, remembering always that He loves them even more.

“Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”

About the Author: Erin Buchmann enjoys morning walks, quiet evenings at home, and knitting whenever she can find the time...and two free hands. She and her husband are the parents of two little miracles and guardians of one little cat.

Surrendering Infertility to a Loving, Creative God

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ERIN BUCHMANN

 

When my husband and I were engaged, we looked forward to someday raising a family. We did have a few conversations about that Big Unknown: what if we’re unable to have kids?

But we--especially I--didn’t consider it to be a real possibility, or even necessarily a totally negative one. “Of course we’ll be open to life and try to have a family, but if kids aren’t part of God’s plan for us, we’ll be fine with that,” I thought. “Besides, then I’d be able to continue with my career. That would be nice.”

Now happily married and having discerned together that the time is right to try to conceive, months start to pass by. Despite our careful NFP charting and frequent visits with our gynecologist, we’ve not been able to.

 Frustration set in, and emotions ran the gamut. Being unable to conceive when it suddenly seems like every other couple around is either expecting or juggling a handful of kids is really, really hard. 

The words of a hymn my childhood parish sang jump to my mind with fresh relevance: “The kingdom of God is challenge and choice.” The presenting challenge: physical infertility.

 With regard to how we approach this challenge, God gives us a choice: do we let ourselves fall into a sinful, selfish attitude of impatience or anger toward him, presuming to believe our wedding vows somehow entitle us to a child? Or do we instead imitate Our Lady’s response of unhesitating trust in God’s plan: Fiat, let it be done unto me according to your word?

Just as God had a unique, perfect plan for Mary’s fertility--one she had almost certainly not foreseen a moment before the Annunciation!--he also has a plan for yours.

 Your seasons of physical fertility and infertility are willed by him for the sanctification of the world and the salvation of souls. In my own experience, this time of physical infertility has actually been incredibly spiritually fertile.

As Christ has been helping me carry this cross, He has been moving my heart in new ways. He has been planting gardens in my heart in places I didn’t know there were stones. He has been immersing me deeper into the mystery of his love as he and I and my husband live out that love in our marriage.

Where did his gardening work begin? With the label of “infertile.” In my mind, our being unable to conceive at this point in our marriage meant we were never going to have children. Further, as it appeared from our NFP charting that my body was the reason for our unsuccessful attempts at achieving a pregnancy, I saw myself as broken. Having had a rocky relationship with my body before, this feeling of brokenness was particularly poignant--and painful.

As I was praying (and crying, to be honest) after receiving communion during one particularly difficult Sunday Mass filled with many families, I heard Christ’s voice speak to my heart: “Is my life inside your body enough for you?”

When one is in a state of grace, Christ’s life is present in that soul. But when we receive him in the Eucharist, Christ comes to dwell physically inside our bodies also. My body is most certainly not broken, for the Most Precious Body of the creator of the universe lives safely inside me.

 Christ’s transformative work on my heart has continued further. Although my body is not broken, medical help does offer assistance in restoring to the female body the ability to conceive a child and then sustain that pregnancy.

My husband and I began seeing a Catholic gynecologist during our engagement, when we noticed our marriage-prep NFP charting wasn’t looking like the examples in the textbook. When we found we weren’t able to conceive after we married, our doctor prescribed medication intended to normalize my hormone levels—and I resented taking those two little pills.

 The Catechism teaches “spouses who still suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves with the Lord’s Cross, the source of all spiritual fecundity” (CCC 2379). I researched the jelly out of those two medications and found them totally within the lines of moral legitimacy. But I still begrudged taking them.

I asked my husband for his thoughts on the whole matter, including the Catechism’s perspective: “Honey, what do you think? Does ‘exhausting legitimate medical procedures’ mean I am morally obligated to keep taking those pills until I reach menopause?!”

My husband paused and thought for a time. I waited.

“I don’t think it’s morally wrong to eventually stop taking the pills, if time has confirmed they aren’t helping,” he began, “but we’re not there yet. Not enough time has passed for us to reach conclusions like that. For now, I do think a decision not to take them would say something about your openness to pregnancy. Is taking two pills really too much of a burden for you, if they may be helping your body function as God intends it to?”

That brought all my defensiveness crashing down. Here, Christ brought another tangled piece of my heart into his healing light.

I realized taking those pills is one way I am called to work with God and my husband to make our marriage one truly open to the arrival of children. This is, concretely, one way I can assent to my role as a co-creator with them.

My daily “yes” to taking the medications can embody, in a little way, my continual surrender of my desire for a flawless body, my ambitions for my career, and my fear of the unknowns that would accompany motherhood--all for the greater good of fostering a marriage that is fully open to the Lord’s plans, whatever they might be. Fiat, let it be done unto me.

Personally, this season of infertility has been a blessing in disguise. Christ has taught me in so many new ways what it truly means to be a wife and a mother.

 As a religious sister once shared on a middle school retreat, God intends each and every woman he creates to be a MOM: a Master Of Magnanimity. We are called to be generous of mind and heart, willing to endure hardship and discomfort in order that great things might be accomplished through us.

For me, this has meant a daily surrender of my desires and fears while coming to a deeper acceptance of my body exactly how God has made it.

The lessons Christ wishes to teach you during this season might be different, but through all the challenges and choices, never doubt that he has amazing plans and the perfect timeline in mind for your fertility. Our loving, creative God will never be outdone in generosity. Never give up hoping in, trusting, and walking with him.

About the Author: Erin Buchmann enjoys daily Mass, outdoor adventures, crossword puzzles and Ben & Jerry's. She and her husband reside in Virginia but dream of the day they'll move back to the Midwest.