On Advent and Waiting

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ALEXA DONCENCZ SMITH

 

It’s no secret: Advent is a time of waiting.

As a kid, I always looked forward to the week at Mass when the Little Blue Books would appear in the vestibule for Advent, free for the taking. In the weeks that followed, I was diligent in reading the reflections each night before bed, carefully absorbing every saint quote or nugget of spiritual wisdom. I was kind of a nerd, truth be told, but I loved the aura of waiting and preparation that always surrounded the weeks leading to Christmas.

As an adult, waiting can be a bittersweet subject. While anticipation breeds excitement, waiting for the things we desire isn’t always a pleasant feeling--especially if their eventual arrival isn’t guaranteed. Waiting for anything--from a vacation, to a promotion at work, to meeting one’s future spouse--is filled with a vulnerability that can give way to doubt and discontentment.

After spending a bit of time reflecting on Advent, it seems like no coincidence that the Church dedicates a whole season of the liturgical calendar to the meaning and purpose of waiting. Though it may not seem like it, waiting can be a blessing in disguise that can help guide us along the path to Heaven. Here, five ways we can benefit spiritually from this season:

Waiting provides the space for God to work.

Life can get so busy that it becomes easy to get caught up in our own plans, wrapped up in a universe of which we are the center. We have our days scheduled down to the minute and our calendars booked up for weeks, so it can definitely be frustrating when the unexpected comes in and messes with our carefully laid plans.

With our days are booked solid, spent constantly running from one obligation to the next, this doesn’t leave a lot of room for God to work in our lives. We might even find when we’re too busy, our meaningful attempts at prayer fall to the wayside. While God is always present, he often chooses to speak to us in the silence.

And if there’s no silence, or if our lives are just too hectic, we may miss our chance to hear him. Waiting has a way of slowing us down. The resulting pause can produce a helpful reorientation of priorities.

Waiting is an invitation to trust.

When our plans get stalled and things don’t happen how we think they should, it can cause disappointment and even helplessness. This is an opportunity to humble ourselves, remembering God is in control--not us). That there is a greater plan we cannot see; even if we’re confused about how things are going to play out, we know that the one in charge loves us and always wants the best for us.

Waiting forces us to be present.

Frustration with waiting can indicate that our minds or hearts have gotten ahead of us, and we’re trying to live in the future. Two years ago--ironically, during Advent--I was not-so-subtly waiting on a proposal. My fiancé and I had been dating for several years, and we’d had countless talks about moving toward marriage.

We both agreed getting engaged was our next step. But I felt this to the extent that I failed  to appreciate our relationship in the present moment. I had myself convinced nothing more could be accomplished in our relationship or preparation for marriage until we were officially engaged.

Waiting pulls us out of our daydreams about the future (sometimes not so gently), and challenges us to ask, what does God want me to do right now? 

As I  anxiously awaited my proposal, I believed--whether I realized it or not--that engagement was the next thing God wanted me to do in life. But maybe engagement and marriage were a few more bullet points down on the list, and he had other gifts and blessings in store for me first.

I could have easily missed how God was working in my life during that time because I had unconsciously tuned out the present, preoccupied with what I thought should be my next endeavor. Waiting can be a gift that keeps us living in real time.

Waiting is a reminder: our time is precious.

When we’re stuck in line at the grocery store or sitting in traffic, we have two options. We can either grumble and complain, letting our annoying situation get the best of us, or we can remember those very minutes are an irreplaceable gift from God. It might be challenging to view being trapped bumper to bumper on the highway as a gift, but these instances serve as a reminder that all our time is borrowed: it all belongs to God, and we should always use for good the moments of life he has given us.

Waiting gives us hope for a bright future.

When we are so stuck on achieving certain desires that we end up devaluing entire periods of our lives, or we begin to feel as though we are killing time to get to a particular accomplishment or milestone, we are called to remember something: God’s plans are higher than our own. God can give us gifts we never would have dreamed of. And yes: they’re even better than the things we’re pursuing for ourselves.

The feeling of waiting sometimes indicates our timeline doesn’t quite match up to God’s. Rather than giving ourselves over to despair, this is an opportunity to realize that God may be saying no or not yet to our prayers.

Because he might be about to give us something even better than what we imagined.

About the Author: Alexa is a 2013 graduate of The Catholic University of America, where she earned degrees in biology and psychology. Since 2014, she has served as the Assistant Coordinator for Youth, Young Adult and Family Ministry for the Diocese of Allentown. Alexa and her husband Patrick got engaged in December 2016, and were married in June 2018. Together they’ve enjoyed Cracker Barrel breakfasts, long walks around Barnes & Noble, and deciding which bridal expos had the best cake samples. Alexa's hobbies include writing, photography, and drinking coffee. 

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How He Asked | Alexa + Patrick

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A few months after moving back near home following her college graduation, Alexa was walking along the boardwalk in Atlantic City with her cousin Judy when Judy mentioned Patrick, the new Theology teacher at the school where she worked. She suggested Alexa visit the school as a guest speaker for Pat’s students.

In Alexa’s Words: Unfortunately I hate public speaking, but I didn't hate the idea of meeting an allegedly cute guy who was my age and taught Theology. "Tell him to send me an email and maybe we'll figure something out," I told her.

That week, I logged onto Facebook and looked up this Pat Smith guy Judy had been telling me about. I quickly found his profile, clicked through a bunch of his pictures, decided internally that I would welcome an opportunity to meet him should such an opportunity present itself, and finally proceeded to do absolutely nothing proactive about initiating communication.

A few months later, I was minding my own business when I received a friend request from Patrick Smith on Facebook. I accepted it and sent him a message. We had the standard polite inaugural exchange, then eventually got to talking about our jobs, our college experiences at, and our faith. We got to the point where the next natural step would have been to meet in person, but neither of us seemed to know how to address that.

Enter Judy again. She knew I had been working with the youth group at my parish on what would be their first annual Living Stations, and suggested I invite Pat to come down and see it. This seemed low key enough for a first meeting. And what made the whole thing even less intimidating was that I was almost certain Pat would say no: why would a man drive an hour to a see a girl he's never met and help with a youth group that he has no affiliation with? I casually invited Pat and he responded almost immediately with a yes, seemingly very excited about it.

It turned out to be a very low pressure first encounter, because Pat and I only got to talk for about fifteen minutes over the course of the night. But it was enough for both of us to know that we had the potential for at least a great friendship, and that we wanted to see each other again.

Three weeks later, at my coworker’s encouragement, I invited him to see the movie Heaven is for Real, which was followed by a series of dates and making our relationship official.

What many people don’t know about our relationship, however, is that we broke up for a period of time, after about eight months of dating. We had very different experiences with the time we spent apart. For me, those months were a time of discernment about what I was being called to in life. I briefly discerned religious life, and also took the time to truly ask myself, for perhaps the first time in my life, whether I was actually called to marriage.

Meanwhile, Pat struggled significantly with our breakup. When we eventually started talking again, he told me he’d prayed for me every day when we were apart. But what meant even more to me was when he told me he hadn’t just prayed we’d get back together. Instead, he prayed for God’s will and for me to find my vocation, whether or not it turned out to be a vocation to marriage with him. That was when I knew we had something different. We began dating again shortly thereafter.

Looking back, it's now so symbolic that we met in person for the first time at the Cathedral of the Diocese of Allentown. Little did we know when we first met there for Living Stations that we would get engaged there and, in June 2018, will be married there. Pat proposed at the Cathedral during an annual Christmas tradition, wherein the youth group gets together to help put up the tree and other decorations. 

There were about 25 of us there that day--teens, adult volunteers, and our three parish priests--and we were all busy decorating and socializing. During the event, one of the teens pulled me aside to ask me a question. Meanwhile, Pat and the other volunteers were helping everyone get in position for his plan. A few moments later, I was asked to come investigate a Christmas present with no name on it.

As soon as I picked up the gift, everyone started chanting "Open it!," so I did. Inside was an athletic T-shirt from Pat’s school, with "Future Mrs. Smith" printed on the back. At that point I was pretty sure I knew what was going on. Pat got down on one knee and four of the teens held up signs reading, Will you marry me?

We are beyond excited for our wedding this summer, to answer our vocation and begin living out our call to marriage.
 

Location: Lock Ridge Park - Alburtis, PA | Photography: Reflections Creative Photography

Embracing Marriage as a Child of Divorce

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ALEXA DONCSECZ 

 

St. John Chrysostom says, “the love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together.” But what if you are a child of divorce, and the love between your parents proved incapable of holding your own family together, much less society? Where, in this world of false freedom and loose commitments, can an adult child of divorce turn for strong examples of holy marriage?

This is a question I’ve reflected on often throughout my life. My parents divorced when I was eleven years old, and I think of that chapter as the time when my childhood ended. I’m not saying that to sound dramatic. It is simply honest. Navigating adult issues and emotions forces a child to grow up quickly, regardless of how amicable the situation might be, or how much effort adults devote to shielding their children from the aftermath.

Still, I remember feeling drawn to the idea of marriage from a young age. In high school, I had an experience that sealed my desire for marriage as something stronger and more deeply rooted than all my other aspirations.

It happened in my junior year Theology class. A guest speaker shared his testimony of how chastity had been a key part of his relationship with his fiancée. I listened to him describe how purity had helped him and his future bride center their relationship on God, giving them a strong foundation for a marriage built to last, and I remember thinking, That’s what I want.

It might seem like a small moment, but most pivotal moments do seem small at the time. Either way, I know now that this young man and his humble reflection provided me with the first tangible example of what I believed marriage should look like, and of what I wanted for myself when I was older.

Now, a decade removed from that day in Theology, and more than fifteen years since my parents’ divorce, I am engaged and preparing for my own marriage this year. As you can imagine, I’ve done a great deal of introspection on my ideas about marriage and where they came from, what it means to be a wife and eventually a mother, and what is to be expected in my relationship with my husband.

I have also required a fair amount of healing. My journey toward the altar has brought to light wounds I never even knew I had from navigating divorce. With that, I would like to share five things that have helped me prepare for marriage as an adult child of divorce.

A greater appreciation for the permanence of marriage

Any hardship can produce either bitterness or improvement. History can either repeat itself, or it can spark a change for the better.

While we should all ideally be able to rest in the peace that marital love--whether our own or our parents’--is permanent and unconditional, divorce provided me a constant reminder that marriage requires work to remain healthy and thriving.

I know many whose parents are still married, and those individuals also have a tremendous appreciation for marriage and its permanence. I would in no way imply that children of divorce are more likely to value that aspect of marriage than their peers from intact families. I can definitely say, however, that for me personally, encountering divorce as a child forced me to evaluate marriage early on and decide what it meant to me, and what I would want if I got married one day.

For me, that extra element of reflection and intentionality made a huge difference in certain decisions I made as I got older, like striving for chastity and choosing to make faith a key component of my romantic relationships. Strewn throughout my dating life were subtle habits and tendencies--mostly faith centered--that I believed would help “divorce-proof” my future marriage, because that security was extremely important to me.

Trusting in the grace of the sacrament

It’s often said God will not give us more than what he knows we can handle. As Catholics, we believe when we receive the sacrament of Holy Matrimony, we gain special graces that will help us fully live out our vocation to married life.

Coming from a broken home, it was no secret to me that marriage brings obstacles and challenges, many of which test the bond of commitment between husband and wife. As I grew older and reflected on the struggles that led to the breakdown of my household, it wasn’t unusual for me to become discouraged by doubt. I wondered how couples overcome trials or simply recovered from arguments, and wondered whether a lasting marriage is an unrealistic expectation in the world we live in.

This is where understanding grace played a significant role for me.

When a couple receives the sacrament of marriage, they likewise receive all the graces necessary to help them fulfill their vocation: as spouses to each other, as parents to their children, and living out the universal call to holiness in their individual lives--ultimately gaining eternal salvation. Of course, this doesn't mean marriage will be easy, or that doing what is required of us always feels good or provides immediate fulfillment.

But it does mean we have all the tools we need to live out our marriage in accord with God’s plan and be sanctified by it, because we have the unyielding support of sacramental grace.

The sacramental aspect of marriage acknowledges God’s indispensable role in the relationship between husband and wife, a reminder that marriage is not something we do alone. In order to be successful, we need to constantly rely on God and on the graces of the sacrament, in sacrifice and in radical trust.

Making peace with the past

Throughout my dating experiences, especially as I became more serious about marriage and became engaged, it was important for me to make peace with my past. This mainly meant talking to each of my parents about what happened in their marriage that led to the divorce. Not only did these conversations help me piece together a narrative I would not have been able to process as a child, they also shed light on some of the issues capable of driving marriages apart.

I have been fortunate to have a strong relationship with my parents, both of whom were gentle and understanding with me over the years as I came to them with questions. Their candor allowed me the opportunity to explore our shared situation and to better my own understanding of marriage. I realize, however, that such openness is not possible in all divorce situations. In those cases, there are other ways a person can make peace with her past and find the healing necessary to move forward.

More recently, I was very fortunate to stumble upon a discussion group specifically geared toward adult children of divorce who share the Catholic faith. With this group’s support and shared insight, I've been able to revisit many questions and thoughts I’ve carried with me from various points in my journey. Several members of this group have been married for many years, and talking with them about their experiences has given me valuable insight and perspective.

Talking to good priests and mentors

Marriage preparation and sessions with a priest have been so much more than just another item to check off the wedding list. God has placed so many wonderful priests in the lives of my fiancé and I who have guided us in our spiritual journey.

I have been blessed, in particular, by two priests whom I’ve leaned on and sought out at all stages of this process. Both are wise and holy men whom I know are deeply invested in the fruitfulness of our lives and in the success of our marriage. They have guided me in spiritual direction and are always willing to discuss whatever dilemma or anxiety is on my mind. They have answered all my difficult questions and provided peace when I needed it most.

My fiancé and I are also grateful to have met many married couples through our work for the Church; couples who image what it means to embrace God’s plan for marriage. Some of them are older and several steps ahead of us, but many are our own friends and peers who are able to walk with us side-by-side, as we venture into uncharted territory together.

Priests and mentors are great resources when it comes to journeying through the spiritual life. There is truly strength in numbers. Creating a network of support around yourself and your relationship can make a huge difference in your marriage. When building a support system for your marriage, it is important to look for individuals who advocate for the unity in your relationship, and who will not take sides or create division during times of struggle.

If you are healing from a broken home as you prepare for marriage, I highly recommend finding a priest you feel comfortable talking to and allowing him to walk with you on your journey.

Looking to the Holy Family

Finally, if you ever feel at a loss for a good model of marriage and family, especially in a culture where it can be difficult to find examples of holy marriages, our Catholic faith gives us an excellent blueprint in the holy family.

When I struggle with my image of what a wife and mother should be, I find consolation in talking to Mary. When I need a reminder of what familial love looks like in God’s plan, it helps to reflect on the interactions between Mary, Joseph, and Jesus.

Overall, the challenges we experience are part of what shape us into the people we become. Our wounds can become our strengths if we invite God in and allow him to heal us. And while divorce has been a painful part of my past, I have faith that with the constant help of God and the sacraments, my marriage will be built to last.

About the Author: Alexa is a 2013 graduate of The Catholic University of America, where she earned her B.S. in Biology with a minor in Psychology. She serves as the Assistant Director for Youth, Young Adult and Family Ministry for the Diocese of Allentown, where she has been happily employed since 2014. Alexa and her fiancé Patrick got engaged in December 2016, and are excitedly planning and preparing for a June 2018 marriage. Together they enjoy Cracker Barrel breakfasts, long walks around Barnes & Noble, and deciding which bridal expos have the best cake samples. Alexa's hobbies include writing, photography, and drinking coffee. 

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Learning to Long: A Letter to My Fiancé

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ALEXA DONCSENCZ SMITH

 

Dear Fiancé,

Today we spent the day together, and it was perfect. And at the end of the day we had to say goodbye again. We went home to separate houses and will wake up to separate worlds. Today is Sunday, and the next time I see you it will be Friday.

Right now, that feels like four days that serve no purpose. Four days to get through, to endure. Four days I don't really need.

I'm ready to be coming home to you. I'm ready to not say goodbye anymore. To spend a day that doesn't end with our going separate ways, followed by days and days apart.

Tonight, since you left, I've been really miserable. I've been angry. I've sat at my computer with a scowl on my face and frustration in my heart. I've thought about how much it hurts not to be married yet, and how long we still have to go.

I'm telling you this because it's important. It’s important that my letters to you reflect not just the joys of our engagement – tasting wedding cake samples, finding out which bridal expos have the best free hors d'oeuvres, replicating every wedding related DIY craft on Pinterest – but also the struggles, the harsh realities, and the challenges we’ve endured as a team.

The truth is that a lot of couples don't put themselves through this. Our culture has found a streamlined approach to gratification, and what that means is that couples never have to experience the pain and loneliness and frustration that comes with saying goodbye to the person you love every night until marriage. They've eliminated that, and they see it as a good thing.

I can kind of understand why they think that. It's easier. It's less painful.

The culture will often choose what is easy and painless. And on the other end of the spectrum, you and I get to learn what it feels like to long.

I get to spend the next eighteen months frustrated to not wake up with you. I get to go to bed angry on Sunday nights after you've left, knowing I don't get to be with you again for another week. I get to dwell in the pain and sadness that comes with waiting for the appropriate time to share all that I want to share with you: to live with you, to love you in the little moments every day, to fall asleep and wake up next to my best friend.

And because I've learned how to long, because I've learned what it feels like to be without you, I know I will never take our marriage for granted.

I can't wait for the way it will feel on our wedding day, knowing there is no such thing as going home to separate houses ever again. There will be no more goodbyes, no more living in different worlds during the week, no more waiting days between seeing each other. We will never take those things for granted, because we had to go so long without them. We had to struggle through not having those things, even when we felt ready for them.

Sometimes I feel defeated. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I cry because I can't help it and it all just feels like more than I can handle.

But when I finally manage to pull myself together, I remember we are going to have something incredibly strong and beautiful. Part of the reason it's going to be so strong and so beautiful is because our right now is as difficult as it is.

This is not the easy way. But we're doing what we know is right, what we believe in and what our faith asks of us. We are doing what we know builds strong, beautiful relationships and marriages. I want nothing less with you.

About the Author: Alexa is a 2013 graduate of The Catholic University of America, where she earned her B.S. in Biology with a minor in Psychology. Since 2014, she has served as the Assistant Coordinator for Youth, Young Adult and Family Ministry for the Diocese of Allentown. Alexa and her fiancé Patrick got engaged in December 2016, and are excitedly planning and preparing for a June 2018 marriage. Together they enjoy Cracker Barrel breakfasts, long walks around Barnes & Noble, and deciding which bridal expos have the best cake samples. Alexa's hobbies include writing, photography, and drinking coffee. 

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