The Sophia Series | Jen
/JEN LIRETTE
We invite our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.
PHOTOGRAPHY: PHOTOGRAPHY BY LOUIS
My future husband was right in front of me when I was a little girl, and I didn’t even know it. Logan and I started going to school together in the first grade, but we didn’t get to know each other until our junior year in high school. It didn’t take long for me to know that he was someone I could see myself marrying one day.
We were married in June of 2009—as soon as we graduated college. We were young, but we knew God was calling us to marriage. Even though we anticipated hard times, we felt we were strong enough in our faith to weather whatever God sent our way.
It’s almost like God used our convictions to prepare us for our first year of marriage.
Logan and I decided we were ready for a baby right away but were told it might be difficult to conceive. When we stared at a positive pregnancy test just two months after our wedding, we couldn’t believe it—we were going to have a baby! We thanked God every day for our unexpected blessing.
Through my background in nursing, I knew the chances of miscarriage were at least 25%, and it made me nervous. Logan worried something would happen to our baby too.
Despite a rough couple of months with morning sickness and headaches, I felt so blessed to carry new life within me. I kept a journal and wrote to our new baby, and Logan talked to our baby and kissed my belly every day. The first trimester of our pregnancy was perfect! And the second trimester brought us relief as the chances of pregnancy loss dropped tremendously.
On December 8, the feast of the Immaculate Conception, we found out our baby was a boy. This news made our first Advent as a married couple even more special as we waited with our Blessed Mother to meet our baby boy.
Just four days after Christmas, at 22 weeks pregnant, I suddenly started cramping and bleeding.
We rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night, where they tried to stop the contractions. Logan felt helpless as I lay in pain for hours. When my water broke, we knew our baby boy would soon follow; he had a 1% chance of surviving at such a young age.
My doctor arrived in the morning and decided it was time to deliver our baby. I was quickly wheeled into the delivery room, but the staff never went back to bring Logan in with me. Even though a nurse had told Logan he could be with me, he wasn’t there when I pushed our baby out or when I heard my doctor say, “There’s no heartbeat.” As I began crying, the anesthesiologist put me under for a D&C.
Eventually, Logan and I were reunited; I woke up from the anesthesia and we were able to hold our baby boy’s body. It almost felt like a cruel joke. Just hours before, we were happily married and expecting our first child. And it was Christmas! Now we were holding our dead baby. Even though we knew hard times would come in marriage, this is not what we ever expected.
The hospital’s chaplain came in later that day to pray with us. She also shared the divorce statistics of couples who lost a child. It was one blow after another. We lost our son and now we might lose each other too? We had only been married for seven months!
It’s hard to explain our experience in the months following the loss of our son. My husband and I grieved very differently. (It wasn’t until later that we learned about the temperaments—and how we have opposite ones.) Since it was the first big loss for both of us, we didn’t realize grief was affecting our marriage. In the midst of our pain, we were still adjusting to life as newlyweds.
It took several vulnerable moments of sharing our feelings with each other and telling each other we would get through it. When I struggled to pray, Logan prayed with me. It was because of his support—and God’s grace—that I survived that time.
I wish I could say we got pregnant again right away and everything has been great since, but that’s not what happened—does it ever?!
It was 21 months later—after an emotional period of infertility and becoming foster parents—when we finally saw a positive pregnancy test again. We were both elated and anxious. Although we knew another baby was a gift, we also knew we could experience another loss. We were terrified.
Things got even scarier when an ultrasound showed my cervix opening at just 11 weeks. Strict bedrest, a cerclage (a procedure to stitch the cervix closed), and the rest of the pregnancy on modified bedrest was emotionally hard on both of us, and physically challenging in a unique way for me.
But since we had already endured a tragedy together, we knew we would get through this trial too. And we did. Our oldest son is now 7-years-old, and he has two younger brothers who are now 5- and 3-years-old. Each pregnancy was difficult in its own way, but worth the sacrifice. Our boys are so precious—even our little saint in heaven.
When we think back during those earlier years and all of the unexpected trials, we wouldn’t change a thing. I know it sounds crazy. But we are more in love than ever because of what we’ve been through.
We look back and recognize how the earliest trials prepared us for additional trials later in life. From the beginning of our marriage, we learned to talk about the hard stuff and to not shy away from our feelings. We learned that grief may last forever and happens in many different ways and forms.
Most importantly, we learned how important it is to truly become “one flesh:” physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There are so many forces preventing couples from doing so.
During the most challenging times in any marriage, each couple has a choice to drift apart or grow closer together. We made a decision for the latter. We know if we made it through that first tragedy, with the odds stacked against us, we can make it through anything.
We joke now that God must have known we’d need our own special prayer warrior. It truly is a blessing to have our son interceding for our family every day. We know his prayers are a big reason why two very imperfect people are still managing to strive for a holy marriage. And since we cannot wait to be with our baby boy again, he motivates us even more to get to heaven!
What was the most tragic experience of our life thus far ended up being one of our biggest blessings, and we’re so grateful for the growth that has happened in our marriage because of it.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jen lives in southeast Louisiana with her high school sweetheart, Logan, and their 3 boys. She is an RN but is currently a Stay-at-Home-Mom. Together with Logan, they run Surprised By Marriage, where they share videos, blog posts, weekly marriage challenges, and musings on marriage.