The Sophia Series | Christie

CHRISTIE L.

We invite our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.

I met my husband the month I turned 18 through Catholic Campus Ministries. We were best friends for several months before ultimately becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. I had only had one (non-serious) boyfriend before him; after two years of dating, talk turned to marriage and I became fearful. 

Young adults are often told to explore our options, to always keep an eye out for the “next best thing,” to “find yourself first.” I shared my fears, asked to take a break, and Eric was kind enough to understand my heart and give me his friendship even if I did not want to date. I left town for an internship in Connecticut and he stayed in North Carolina.

While away, I made a lot of mistakes pursuing what I thought was happiness. I left my faith, I partied often, and I attempted to push away those who loved me--including Eric. Still, he called me at least once a week to check on me. To let me know he loved me as a friend, would always be there for me, and hoped I was finding what I was looking for. 

Three months later, I came back a different person. I didn’t know how to get myself out of the toxic place I put myself in. Eric and friends would invite me to church and I would be angry and cruel in response. He didn’t give up. He would wake me up on Sunday and drive me to Mass. He held me when I cried, prayed for me without ceasing, and stayed up late to talk to me about God and faith. 

Throughout it all, he fought for me and loved me in the way God calls us. He made it his mission to get me to Heaven even though we weren’t dating any more.

As I fell back in love with God, I grew to love myself again too. In turn, I allowed myself to be happy. I let myself be loved and cared for again. So several months later, when Eric surprised me by playing our song on the guitar and asking me to be his girlfriend again, I said yes. I kept saying yes throughout our relationship until we were engaged and married in 2013. I was 22 and he was 23. Our love story was beautifully, blissfully boring for several years.

Things changed when we  had children. We had two children under the age of two;while we loved them unconditionally,  we suddenly felt distant from one another. We were trying to survive the day until the kids went to bed, and then we wanted time to ourselves. No longer were we making time for each other. At the rate we were going, we didn’t have the energy or the mental space to foster our relationship. 

My heart was hurting. Resentment, anger and sadness welled up inside of me. How could this happen? I’d like to say I communicated all of this effectively and we happily moved on right away. That isn’t the case. I let those feelings fester until they overflowed in an argument. Suddenly those thoughts and feelings seemed like an attack instead of a plea or a desire for help. I feared I would do what I had done before and run away.

I’ve said yes to my marriage every day, though there are times when it is more challenging. Vows are lifelong commitments, not something you simply say on your wedding day. On our wedding day, our priest told us that our relationship is a three twined rope that includes me, my husband, and God. I was fraying apart from the rope; in times of disconnect, it is important to bind those pieces together again. 

We started with a calm, peaceful conversation without any distractions. Tears were shed, misunderstandings came to light, and we vowed to connect with each other and with God again. My husband and I are not perfect--we are still trying to find the balance as new parents--but we have grown and healed so much.

I once heard someone refer to marriage as a garden, and it is important to tend to that garden. We have made the time to tend to it each day through prayer, quality time, physical touch, and open communication.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by a new stage of life, understand it is normal. A lot of couples feel stressed and disconnected during seasons of transition--especially with young children--because, you have to figure out what your “new normal” looks like. Take time to discuss those feelings with your spouse and address them head on. Address all three aspects of your marriage: your relationship with your spouse, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship as a couple with God.

In three sentences, share three pieces of advice for newer brides:

1. Tend to your "garden" daily. Check in with your spouse on their feelings, ask them to pray together before bed, or simply hold their hand.

2. Table topics for other times when things aren't being resolved, conversations aren't going the way you'd like, or kids are around. MAKE SURE YOU CIRCLE BACK TO THAT TOPIC LATER! Write it on a calendar if you need to, but always check in to see if it is still something that needs to be discussed.

3. Discuss your love languages early on and revisit them in conversations together! "I really felt loved when you gave me words of affirmation/did that act of service/held me,etc."

---

About the Author: Christie is a therapist turned stay at home mom living with her family in Ohio. She writes on her blog HerDailyFiat.com about faith, motherhood, and wellness. Christie is also a monthly contributor for CatholicMom.com

WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

The Sophia Series | Sylvia

SYLVIA BASS

We invite our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.

"There is definitely a heart defect and we see a lot of soft markers for Down syndrome," said the perinatologist, moving the ultrasound wand across my pregnant belly. 

She went on to ask disdainfully how old I was and why I hadn't done the first trimester screening for genetic abnormalities. "You don't have much time to make a decision now!" she exclaimed. 

I met my future husband, Scott, in a tiny dingy dorm room while we were both freshmen at the University of Georgia. He was a country boy and a Southern Baptist; I was a city girl and a Cuban American Catholic. We went dancing at a "club" (it was more of a bar) with our friends in downtown Athens, Georgia shortly thereafter and this boy stole my heart. He kissed me, he got my number, and he called to ask me out the very next day. 

We dated for six long years. Neither of us were particularly devoted to our respective religions, and we made many mistakes. We grew up together, and with that came a lot of growing pains. But we felt inexorably drawn to each other no matter what. 

We both decided to attend law school. Scott took a gap year and pursued his degree at a school an hour and a half away from me, but we continued to date each other despite the distance. We were engaged during my second year of law school (his first), and married that summer. Fortunately, I was able to attend Scott’s school my final year yet receive a law degree from my original school. 

As newlyweds, we decided to use natural family planning; not out of any religious fervor, but because I was opposed to putting a bunch of chemicals or devices in my body. Our first unexpected pregnancy came a few months after getting married. We miscarried that child. Our second unexpected pregnancy came a year after that. That time, I was pregnant with twins. To my sorrow, we miscarried the twins as well. In my grief, I turned to the Church—particularly, Our Lady—for consolation. 

I found myself becoming more and more entranced with Church teachings on love and marriage and more and more devout in my faith.

We got pregnant (on purpose this time) with my eldest child, Ruth, and I quit work to stay at home with her. Then we had five more accidental pregnancies in quick succession resulting in six children about a year apart from each other. My husband became Catholic right after baby number six arrived. 

But the story I began with takes place during my pregnancy with Baby Number Five. We had the 20 week scan and found out we were having our fifth girl, when my doctor came in with that stunning announcement, “...soft markers for Down Syndrome.” Worst nightmare for a pregnant woman, right? 

In the chaos that was reigning in my mind, I impulsively turned to my husband, who was standing right next to me, holding my hand. I had no idea how he would react. 

"We are not making any 'decisions,' we are going forward with the pregnancy," he said quietly. The doctor was stunned. "You are so courageous!" she stammered to him. "No," he responded, "I am her father." And in that moment, I felt overwhelming peace. Because come what may, I had this man by my side, doing the right thing, no matter how difficult. 

It is not the fairytale bliss that makes a marriage. Rather, the times when you must weather a storm together truly make you fall in love with each other all over again. 

Iron sharpens iron, and as your mettle is tested, you can experience anew the wonder of the person you married; not because of a stupid reason like, "wow, he is really sexy when he dances!" (cough, Sylvia), but because of something worthwhile and praiseworthy, like, "wow, he is really heroic in how he defends and protects me and our children in the times when we are most vulnerable!"

Baby Number 5 was born shortly after Christmas, a little more than three years ago. We named her after the Blessed Mother. She withstood open heart surgery at four months old like a boss, and my husband never left her side. She is now a boisterous and busy little three-year-old. She does indeed have Down syndrome, but so far she hasn't let that slow her down. 

Every day, she runs to my husband when he gets home from work, gleefully shouts, "Daddy!," wraps her arms around his legs, and he hugs her right back.  I see the love in his eyes and I remember that, if you let them, trials can bring you closer together than you ever thought possible.

In the same way, trials in life can bring you closer to Jesus when you unite them to his suffering on the cross. The trials we endure throughout our lives, when suffered with hope and faith, bring us evermore closer to Love itself. 

Sylvia’s three pieces of advice for brides:

1. Don’t assume that he knows what is bothering you. He doesn’t. Just tell him. 

2. Read Fulton Sheen’s “Three to Get Married” right now. It is life changing. 

3. In the grand scheme of things, the wedding is just a day. Living out the sacrament for the rest of your life is the important part.

---

About the Author: Sylvia Bass is a former attorney turned stay at home mom to her six children: five little girls and one baby boy. One of those little girls is rocking Down syndrome. Sylvia and her husband Scott have been making NFP look bad since 2011.

WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

The Sophia Series | Jen

JEN LIRETTE

We invite our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.

PHOTOGRAPHY: PHOTOGRAPHY BY LOUIS

My future husband was right in front of me when I was a little girl, and I didn’t even know it. Logan and I started going to school together in the first grade, but we didn’t get to know each other until our junior year in high school. It didn’t take long for me to know that he was someone I could see myself marrying one day.

We were married in June of 2009—as soon as we graduated college. We were young, but we knew God was calling us to marriage. Even though we anticipated hard times, we felt we were strong enough in our faith to weather whatever God sent our way.

It’s almost like God used our convictions to prepare us for our first year of marriage.

Logan and I decided we were ready for a baby right away but were told it might be difficult to conceive. When we stared at a positive pregnancy test just two months after our wedding, we couldn’t believe it—we were going to have a baby! We thanked God every day for our unexpected blessing.

Through my background in nursing, I knew the chances of miscarriage were at least 25%, and it made me nervous. Logan worried something would happen to our baby too. 

Despite a rough couple of months with morning sickness and headaches, I felt so blessed to carry new life within me. I kept a journal and wrote to our new baby, and Logan talked to our baby and kissed my belly every day. The first trimester of our pregnancy was perfect! And the second trimester brought us relief as the chances of pregnancy loss dropped tremendously. 

On December 8, the feast of the Immaculate Conception, we found out our baby was a boy. This news made our first Advent as a married couple even more special as we waited with our Blessed Mother to meet our baby boy.

Just four days after Christmas, at 22 weeks pregnant, I suddenly started cramping and bleeding.

We rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night, where they tried to stop the contractions. Logan felt helpless as I lay in pain for hours. When my water broke, we knew our baby boy would soon follow; he had a 1% chance of surviving at such a young age. 

My doctor arrived in the morning and decided it was time to deliver our baby. I was quickly wheeled into the delivery room, but the staff never went back to bring Logan in with me.  Even though a nurse had told Logan he could be with me, he wasn’t there when I pushed our baby out or when I heard my doctor say, “There’s no heartbeat.” As I began crying, the anesthesiologist put me under for a D&C.

Eventually, Logan and I were reunited; I woke up from the anesthesia and we were able to hold our baby boy’s body. It almost felt like a cruel joke. Just hours before, we were happily married and expecting our first child. And it was Christmas! Now we were holding our dead baby. Even though we knew hard times would come in marriage, this is not what we ever expected.

The hospital’s chaplain came in later that day to pray with us. She also shared the divorce statistics of couples who lost a child. It was one blow after another. We lost our son and now we might lose each other too? We had only been married for seven months!

It’s hard to explain our experience in the months following the loss of our son. My husband and I grieved very differently. (It wasn’t until later that we learned about the temperaments—and how we have opposite ones.) Since it was the first big loss for both of us, we didn’t realize grief was affecting our marriage. In the midst of our pain, we were still adjusting to life as newlyweds. 

It took several vulnerable moments of sharing our feelings with each other and telling each other we would get through it. When I struggled to pray, Logan prayed with me. It was because of his support—and God’s grace—that I survived that time.

I wish I could say we got pregnant again right away and everything has been great since, but that’s not what happened—does it ever?!

It was 21 months later—after an emotional period of infertility and becoming foster parents—when we finally saw a positive pregnancy test again. We were both elated and anxious. Although we knew another baby was a gift, we also knew we could experience another loss. We were terrified. 

Things got even scarier when an ultrasound showed my cervix opening at just 11 weeks. Strict bedrest, a cerclage (a procedure to stitch the cervix closed), and the rest of the pregnancy on modified bedrest was emotionally hard on both of us, and physically challenging in a unique way for me.

But since we had already endured a tragedy together, we knew we would get through this trial too. And we did. Our oldest son is now 7-years-old, and he has two younger brothers who are now 5- and 3-years-old. Each pregnancy was difficult in its own way, but worth the sacrifice. Our boys are so precious—even our little saint in heaven.

When we think back during those earlier years and all of the unexpected trials, we wouldn’t change a thing. I know it sounds crazy. But we are more in love than ever because of what we’ve been through. 

We look back and recognize how the earliest trials prepared us for additional trials later in life. From the beginning of our marriage, we learned to talk about the hard stuff and to not shy away from our feelings. We learned that grief may last forever and happens in many different ways and forms.

Most importantly, we learned how important it is to truly become “one flesh:” physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There are so many forces preventing couples from doing so.

During the most challenging times in any marriage, each couple has a choice to drift apart or grow closer together. We made a decision for the latter. We know if we made it through that first tragedy, with the odds stacked against us, we can make it through anything.

We joke now that God must have known we’d need our own special prayer warrior. It truly is a blessing to have our son interceding for our family every day. We know his prayers are a big reason why two very imperfect people are still managing to strive for a holy marriage. And since we cannot wait to be with our baby boy again, he motivates us even more to get to heaven! 

What was the most tragic experience of our life thus far ended up being one of our biggest blessings, and we’re so grateful for the growth that has happened in our marriage because of it.

---

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jen lives in southeast Louisiana with her high school sweetheart, Logan, and their 3 boys. She is an RN but is currently a Stay-at-Home-Mom. Together with Logan, they run Surprised By Marriage, where they share videos, blog posts, weekly marriage challenges, and musings on marriage.

WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM