The Sophia Series | Sylvia
/SYLVIA BASS
We invite our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.
"There is definitely a heart defect and we see a lot of soft markers for Down syndrome," said the perinatologist, moving the ultrasound wand across my pregnant belly.
She went on to ask disdainfully how old I was and why I hadn't done the first trimester screening for genetic abnormalities. "You don't have much time to make a decision now!" she exclaimed.
I met my future husband, Scott, in a tiny dingy dorm room while we were both freshmen at the University of Georgia. He was a country boy and a Southern Baptist; I was a city girl and a Cuban American Catholic. We went dancing at a "club" (it was more of a bar) with our friends in downtown Athens, Georgia shortly thereafter and this boy stole my heart. He kissed me, he got my number, and he called to ask me out the very next day.
We dated for six long years. Neither of us were particularly devoted to our respective religions, and we made many mistakes. We grew up together, and with that came a lot of growing pains. But we felt inexorably drawn to each other no matter what.
We both decided to attend law school. Scott took a gap year and pursued his degree at a school an hour and a half away from me, but we continued to date each other despite the distance. We were engaged during my second year of law school (his first), and married that summer. Fortunately, I was able to attend Scott’s school my final year yet receive a law degree from my original school.
As newlyweds, we decided to use natural family planning; not out of any religious fervor, but because I was opposed to putting a bunch of chemicals or devices in my body. Our first unexpected pregnancy came a few months after getting married. We miscarried that child. Our second unexpected pregnancy came a year after that. That time, I was pregnant with twins. To my sorrow, we miscarried the twins as well. In my grief, I turned to the Church—particularly, Our Lady—for consolation.
I found myself becoming more and more entranced with Church teachings on love and marriage and more and more devout in my faith.
We got pregnant (on purpose this time) with my eldest child, Ruth, and I quit work to stay at home with her. Then we had five more accidental pregnancies in quick succession resulting in six children about a year apart from each other. My husband became Catholic right after baby number six arrived.
But the story I began with takes place during my pregnancy with Baby Number Five. We had the 20 week scan and found out we were having our fifth girl, when my doctor came in with that stunning announcement, “...soft markers for Down Syndrome.” Worst nightmare for a pregnant woman, right?
In the chaos that was reigning in my mind, I impulsively turned to my husband, who was standing right next to me, holding my hand. I had no idea how he would react.
"We are not making any 'decisions,' we are going forward with the pregnancy," he said quietly. The doctor was stunned. "You are so courageous!" she stammered to him. "No," he responded, "I am her father." And in that moment, I felt overwhelming peace. Because come what may, I had this man by my side, doing the right thing, no matter how difficult.
It is not the fairytale bliss that makes a marriage. Rather, the times when you must weather a storm together truly make you fall in love with each other all over again.
Iron sharpens iron, and as your mettle is tested, you can experience anew the wonder of the person you married; not because of a stupid reason like, "wow, he is really sexy when he dances!" (cough, Sylvia), but because of something worthwhile and praiseworthy, like, "wow, he is really heroic in how he defends and protects me and our children in the times when we are most vulnerable!"
Baby Number 5 was born shortly after Christmas, a little more than three years ago. We named her after the Blessed Mother. She withstood open heart surgery at four months old like a boss, and my husband never left her side. She is now a boisterous and busy little three-year-old. She does indeed have Down syndrome, but so far she hasn't let that slow her down.
Every day, she runs to my husband when he gets home from work, gleefully shouts, "Daddy!," wraps her arms around his legs, and he hugs her right back. I see the love in his eyes and I remember that, if you let them, trials can bring you closer together than you ever thought possible.
In the same way, trials in life can bring you closer to Jesus when you unite them to his suffering on the cross. The trials we endure throughout our lives, when suffered with hope and faith, bring us evermore closer to Love itself.
Sylvia’s three pieces of advice for brides:
1. Don’t assume that he knows what is bothering you. He doesn’t. Just tell him.
2. Read Fulton Sheen’s “Three to Get Married” right now. It is life changing.
3. In the grand scheme of things, the wedding is just a day. Living out the sacrament for the rest of your life is the important part.
