Confronting Mental Temptations in Your Relationship

DOMINIKA RAMOS

I recently heard a talk by Sr. Anna Marie McGuan, RSM, on her podcast Scripture and the Spiritual Life entitled "Cultivating the Interior Life" in which she made a crucial distinction between your self and your thoughts.

PHOTOGRAPHY: DESIGNS BY JESSINA

Perhaps it's surprising to hear that your interior life is not synonymous with your thoughts or imagination. In fact, your thoughts don't always originate from yourself, and Sr. Anna Marie refers to a particular type of thought, the logismoi, as being sent by Satan himself.

In marriage diabolic thoughts, or logismos, might look like: "Why is her life easier? Must be nice that her husband makes enough money to let her stay home (or go on fancy vacations or afford private school)" Or "We'll never be on the same page about faith or parenting. Why didn't I see this before we were married? Our kids are headed for disaster as grownups!" Or "What would my life look like if I hadn't gotten married? I could have followed that dream and I might have had a more fulfilling life." Or "Why do I always get emotional when we fight? I'm so sensitive and dumb." And so on.

They can be disturbing like adulterous images or they can seem entirely reasonable which, Sr. Anna Marie notes, are the most dangerous thoughts of all.

Wherever we have a weakness, the devil can take it and use it to lead us away from the truth.

And these thoughts, rooted in envy, despair, anger, and so forth, are not ones most of us would readily admit to entertaining, especially when people around you--friends or social media personalities--never reveal that they've had negative thoughts about their marriages. Consequently, if the primary image you form about everyone else's marriages is that they are never tempted to doubt or imagine their lives differently, you might be filled with self-loathing when you do experience those thoughts.

But the fact is, if you've ever experienced detracting thoughts about your marriage, you are not evil. You are human. Everyone has them. If not about marriage, then certainly in some other sphere of their life.

As Sr. Anna Marie points out, these thoughts do not say something objective about who you are or the state of your interior life. They are temptations. And when the logismoi pops into your mind, you haven't actually sinned. You are only accountable to the extent that you accept it and subsequently indulge in it.

How then, do we battle these intrusive thoughts?

Sr. Anna Marie describes the interior life as the heart, not the organ, but the deep heart, the inner man, the place of encounter with God, and the only way to cultivate the life therein and to build defenses against mental temptations is through self-awareness and prayer.

Self-awareness entails identifying which thoughts are diabolic triggers. We have to spend time reflecting about our thought patterns and what mental paths they threaten to lead us down. A nightly examen prayer is a good way to start taking notice of the life of our minds.

And prayer itself is a defense against the logismoi because it's a channel of God's grace in us. In prayer, we are given the peace of God's own triune life that is so distant from the panic of the logismos.

One highly practical form of prayer that Sr. Anna Marie suggests is the Jesus prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner." This advice has transformed my own prayer life. Any time I'm tempted by a logismoi, I slow my breathing and say the Jesus prayer. It functions on multiple levels: the name of Christ is power against evil, and I'm reminded of who I am--someone in need of healing. It's both defense and solace.

Exposing the logismos for what they are and turning to God's mercy in prayer, rather than being distracted by the chaos and shame Satan wants to ensnare me in, wipes clean my interior vision. And this simplifying of attention makes me freer to see the mission of my marriage more clearly and love my spouse more purely.

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About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Short Prayers for Catholic Couples to Know

DOMINIKA RAMOS

As marriage is a living sign of the love of the Trinity, it's no surprise that the devil wages war directly against it.

PHOTOGRAPHY: CORI NATIONS PHOTOGRAPHY

Of course that's evident in the culture at large, but it's true, too, that if in our Christian marriages, we aren't vigilant about our daily attitudes to one another and if we aren't making concrete resolutions to love each other better, the enemy will work insidiously against us.

In my case, the wedding day felt like a spiritual triumph of graces and a kind of crowning event at the end of our college days in a robust Catholic community. But the farther I've gotten from that day and the more careworn I've become with the duties of work and family, the easier it has been for me to become lax in my prayer life, to feel as though I'm merely being tossed about by the conditions of my life, and to let resentment creep in.

This spiritual stupor can happen almost imperceptibly, and when I realize it is taking hold, I know I need to do something immediately. 

Reception of the sacraments, speaking to a good friend, and taking a step away from my husband and children for an hour or two (or even a revitalizing ten minutes in a hot shower) to get some perspective and appreciation are all incredibly helpful, but the following short prayers have been the ones I go when I need something really quick for a shift in my mind and my heart:

Visita, Quaesumus, Domine

Lord, we beg you to visit this house and banish from it all the deadly power of the enemy. May your holy angels dwell here to keep us in peace and may your blessing be upon us always.

The Memorare to St. Joseph

Remember, O most pure spouse of the Blessed Virgin Mary, my great protector, Saint Joseph, that no one ever had recourse to your protection, or implored your aid without obtaining relief. Confiding therefore in your goodness, I come before you. Do not turn down my petitions, foster father of the Redeemer, but graciously receive them. Amen.

The St. Michael the Archangel Prayer

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle, be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him we humbly pray; and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

And lastly, when I don't have the energy to summon up the words even to say one of the above prayers, I find it grounding to simply focus on calm breathing and to repeat the name of Jesus.

These prayers, these words that are not my own, cut through my internal noise and remind me that Christ resides not in a far off place I can only reach when I'm well-put together, but that he's always abiding with me especially in my weakness and heaviness of heart, freely offering his grace, and gently inviting me to be a monstrance of his love to those in my home.

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About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Finding your Family's Mission

CARISSA PLUTA

When we were newly married, a more seasoned couple offered us advice on creating a family mission statement. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURA AND MATTHEW

Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People writes: “A family mission statement is a combined, unified expression from all family members of what your family is all about — what it is you really want to do and be — and the principles you choose to govern your family life.”

We followed their advice, asked questions, spent some time in prayer, and carefully crafted a mission statement that we recall daily in our work and prayer even now four and a half years later. 

The effects of a family mission statement on our marriage and home life have been profound. 

Forming a family mission statement helped my husband and I sort out our priorities, make decisions, and see more clearly who God was calling us to be as a couple, as a family, and as Christians. 

It grounds us in our identities as a daughter and son of God, unites us, and orders our life toward heaven. 

Read more: How to Create, and  Live By, a Family Mission + Motto

We began the process of creating a family mission statement by asking ourselves several questions:

What are our strengths? 

Take some time to determine your gifts and talents, both as individuals and as a family. Maybe it's hospitality or maybe it's a heart for serving others in your community. 

God has given each of us qualities, talents, and virtues to build up His kingdom both in our homes and in the world. What has He blessed you with and how do you think He wants you to use them for His glory?

What do we value? 

Values are the principles that give our lives meaning and help us in making decisions. Make a list of the values that are at the core of your family. 

This isn’t the time to be idealistic. Focus on those values and principles that truly resonate and inspire every member of your family, not what you think you’re “supposed” to value.

How do we imagine our family in 10+ years?

A mission statement is meant to help you grow and succeed, but to do that you have to have your goals in mind when you write one. 

What does our home look like? What are our dreams? What are some adjectives we would like people to use to describe us and our home? What kind of relationships do we want to have with one another?

Discuss how you might cultivate the soil now for those hopes to flourish in the future.

It’s never too late (or too early) to write your own mission statement and it even makes a great date night activity. 

Surrender the notion that the first draft has to be perfect; just like your family will grow and change over the years, so too can your mission statement.

Answering these questions can help you come to a better understanding of who you are and who God made you to be, and writing a family mission statement can give you the tools to get there.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Choosing Not Just to Feel Change, But to Embody It: A Response from Spoken Bride

It's hard to find the words this week as our country carries the heavy weight of reckoning and a desire for justice and mercy. What is it we can give in this ministry that reveres human dignity and the sacrament of marriage?

There is something so telling about the sacraments of the Church. These great gifts take what is invisible and create something we can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. Something tangible.

The righteous anger and pursuit of justice that so many of us are experiencing can, and should, have a sacramental dimension as well. These stirrings of the heart, these calls to pierce through comfort and privilege, are intangible, deep within. But they aren't meant to stay there. As Catholic Christians, we can draw from the reality of the sacraments in our response to racism and division.

How? By choosing not just to feel change, but to embody it. To take our aches, our anger, our burdens and channel them into action and productive change. To empathize first, discuss second. To unveil ourselves, striving to see every person as he or she is. To create a culture of encounter. 

And to start in our domestic churches. Living out marriage and family life with charity, self-awareness, generosity of spirit. Peace begins with mercy and love. And above all, the sacraments beget something greater: from division, communion.

We invite you to join us in praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet Novena on our Instagram Live, June 5-13 (9PM EST). We pray that mankind will be immersed in his abundant mercy and that his peace and healing will come upon the world.

We also continue to seek and encourage stories that reflect the universal church, ones of diversity in culture, ethnicity, and various Catholic rites. Stories of growing in holiness, in sanctification, and in one body. We desire to share your story as a beautiful and powerful witness of God’s love to the world!