Wedding Planning | Sharing Joys with the Mother-of-the-Bride

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ABIGAIL GRIPSHOVER

 

When my boyfriend surprised me with a proposal much earlier than I anticipated, I found myself with a wedding to plan in the midst of finishing college. While home for summer vacation, my “planner” personality kicked in and I quickly started making arrangements and researching vendors. I rushed to confirm as many details as possible while I spent my summer months in the town we would get married.  

In the midst of my business, I forgot to cherish the wonder of engagement and I forgot to include others in my plans. Most regrettably, I forgot to include my Mom, who I absolutely love and with whom I have a wonderful relationship.

The episode which caused me to finally realize my cold, systematic approach to wedding planning was hurting my Mom still haunts me today. Fortunately, these oversights were brought to my attention before it was too late to repair them. I hope to share lessons I learned the hard way, with the hope that future brides will remember their moms while wedding planning. 

Your Mom Has Expectations and Wedding Dreams Too

The bride is not the only one with expectations and dreams for how the wedding planning process will go. My mom has fond memories of collaborating on wedding plans with her mom, even though their relationship is not as strong as that of my mom and me. She looked forward to making similar memories with me, and I was oblivious.  

Just as the bride may have hopes and dreams for her day, the mother-of-the-bride may carry her own hopes and dreams.

Perhaps your mom has ideas she would love to see at the wedding to make sure you feel as special as you deserve. There may even be details your mom wished she had included in her wedding that she wants to make sure you do not miss. 

Be open-minded and give your mom a chance to make these memories and voice these ideas. Even if your visions are not the same, the opportunity to see how much she cares about this day being perfect for you will be a great blessing.

The Wedding is Also a Reflection of your Mother  

Especially if your parents are paying for the wedding, the event is one that reflects both of you. A calm and loving dialogue about logistics will go a long way in helping your mom feel like a valued contributor to the planning and not just a line of credit.

If the guests are not properly taken care of, if there is not enough food or if the accommodations are poor, your parents will take the responsibility upon themselves. The bride-to-be would do well to listen to her mom's concerns about the guests. She knows her family and in-laws much better than you do and will know what things could cause unnecessary drama. She will also know what details will be meaningful to help everyone have the best day possible. 

I am ashamed to admit I was horrible about giving our guests proper consideration as I planned my wedding.  My mom had to be the voice of reason, reminding me that even though this was "my day," the people traveling to celebrate with us needed to be taken care of properly so that everyone could enjoy the occasion.

She is Gaining a Son-in-Law, But Also Losing You...

As two families are joined together in marriage, each family gains a new member but also loses one. Even though you can still remain very close to your original family after your marriage, the relationship will change. Your husband is your number one confidant, provider, and priority now. You defer to him and the two of you are now a package deal. Though in most happy instances the previous relationships are still able to stay strong, they are going to be different.  

You are going to endure things you may not be able to talk to your mom about, have intimate details that remain hidden from her, and create parts of yourself that belong to someone else. Your spouse, who is new to your life compared to her, will be given all of you. He is your confidant, your family. 

Your mom will understand this new dynamic—she went through the same changes with her family when she married your dad. But understanding doesn't make the transition easier on her heart. By pausing to have special moments throughout the planning process, you show her that she will always be special to you.  Even though your priorities are changing, she will not be replaced—and never could be.

She Might Be Afraid and Unsure of Her Place

You are becoming a married woman now, and your mom might worry about how to appropriately interact with you in your new life. As you grow into your vocation, you will develop opinions about how to do things, which may differ from the way she did things in her household. As you face challenges and hard times, your mom may not know how to support you and respect your privacy.  She may be unsure of how to continue building an open relationship with you without overstepping her bounds.

Open dialogue and forgiveness is important during the wedding planning and newlywed phases of life.

Your mom has a wealth of information she would love to share, but she may be waiting for you to ask. Let her know when you want her advice; if she offers it at the wrong time, find a good moment to have an honest conversation with her about the areas of your life that you would like to remain more separate from criticism.

Ultimately your mom wants to be a part of your life for the long-run, so figuring out how to handle disagreements early on will only make the continued relationship easier to navigate. 

Wedding planning can feel rushed and overwhelming. Pausing to make sure your mom is included and properly cared for during your engagement will ease the tensions of planning, provide special memories for the two of you to cherish, and strengthen your relationship so it can thrive in your changing mother-daughter dynamic.

I hope my experience will help brides remember, love, affirm, and celebrate their moms throughout wedding planning and the transition to married life. 

Now that I have a daughter, it hurts to think of her excluding me the way I initially excluded my mom from my wedding planning. Even though my daughter is only six months old, I've already thought about how special and hard her wedding day will be, if God calls her to marriage. 

If I could go back, I would include my Mom from the beginning and would make sure that in the midst of my wedding day, I took a moment to thank her for everything. My Mom will always be my inspiration and the reason I am able to be where I am today. I hope that she looks back on our wedding planning with the fondness she hoped she would and that other engaged women are able to give their moms the gift of precious memories before they "forsake all others" to cling to their spouses first.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Abigail C. R. Gripshover is a beach girl living out her dual-vocation as writer and wife while striving to overcome chronic illness. She loves coffee shop dates with her husband and believes one can never have too many books or family traditions. Life right now consists of juggling new motherhood with full-time work from home, while prayerfully trying to find a way to balance it all with grace. She writes on her Instagram account and hopes to be starting a blog again soon.