Newlywed Life | Mastering the Art of Arguing
/THERESA NAMENYE
Engaged and newlywed couples likely receive a lot of advice on “unity.” After all, the whole premise of the marital covenant is in the two becoming one. Unity is essential: in prayer, decision making, money, parenting, and so on.
But what about when couples are not unified?
PHOTOGRAPHY: JANISSE VALENZUELA PHOTOGRAPHY
Often, in pre-cana dialogue, navigating disagreements is centered around prayer, humble communication, and discernment together as a couple. That’s all well and good, except that most couples are going to fight and argue in spite of the idealistic strategies offered to them.
Even the most agreeable personalities and the most prayerful people are likely to find themselves in a heated situation with their spouse. Perhaps there are a select few who enjoy a conflict-free relationship, but I would venture to say that these are very few and far between.
The blissful honeymoon butterflies fade, the tempers rear their ugly heads, and the frustration finally reaches a boiling point. In these moments, I firmly believe there lies a vastly important opportunity to practice the masterful art of arguing.
Consider the extremes within relationships. There are families that know all too well the pattern of explosive fighting, verbal abuse, and volatile insults. The cyclical battles are bookmarked with rage. It is an experience of combat.
On the other hand, there are families that seem to never so much as argue. When spouses disagree, they go behind closed doors to hash it out. At their worst, passive aggressive comments and bottled up emotions are the sacrifice paid to keep the peace at all costs. An experience steeped in false peace.
In my own reflection, I recognize both extremes would leave my children with a void: a poor example of how to argue well. Either they think that all disagreement leads to shouting, or they do not experience disagreements at all. I want to model how to argue with civility and compassion for my children.
It is unnecessary for a couple to wait for children before engaging in healthy conflict. In my own season of life, my children are an inspiration—alongside my lifelong desire to honor the dignity of my husband in good times and in bad.
I want my children to watch me lose my temper, take a few deep breaths, and be humble enough to lower my tone and apologize in the moment.
I want them to watch me disagree with my husband, explain my irritation without an ounce of character defamation, low blows, or insults.
I want them to see me take a break and pray by myself when I get too heated to continue, and come back calm.
I want them to witness me laughing, joking, bickering; to notice a quickness to hug and kiss and move on--showing them disagreements do not need to escalate.
I want them to listen as I respond to feedback and humbly admit when I’m wrong.
I want them to experience my husband and I making big decisions in private, and presenting a united front.
I want them to know that if they disagree with a choice I have made, I am willing to explain my actions and thought processes. I want to be receptive to hearing how I can be a better mother, to model being a lifelong learner with integrity amidst overwhelming emotions, problems, and secular conflict.
I don’t want my children to grow up with a perfect marriage as their model.
I want my children to watch me grow and fight the good fight in the midst of life’s messy business. I want them to see an incarnational way of living that is quick to forgive, quick to laugh, and centered on bringing Christ to the ugly and mundane parts of home. I want them to experience a real, breathing, sanctifying, holy marriage.
Life is hard, and my children will inevitably come into conflict. When they do, or when they experience an unpleasant argument with their own spouse someday, I want them to be familiar with the art of arguing—with grace, respect, open-mindedness, and forgiveness—just like they saw when they were kids.
About the Author: Theresa Namenye studied Humanities, Catholic Culture, and Philosophy at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She lives in Scottsdale, AZ with her husband Garrett and their children Leo and Aislin. When she isn't teaching fourth grade, she loves blogging, painting, and enjoying the outdoors.