5 Ways to Be Intentional in a Season of Transition
/KATHERINE FINNEY
Throughout the short five years I’ve been married, my husband and I have moved four times in three cities--spread across different regions of the country, he’s been through three stages of medical training and job relocation, and we’ve had two kids--with one on the way. That’s a lot of transitions.
PHOTOGRAPHY: HORN PHOTOGRAPHY
Transitions are a normal part of relationships, but they can really wear us out and add a lot of unnecessary stress to our lives. I believe that if we approach transitions with intentionality—that is, with a sense of conviction and preparedness about how to handle transitions well—we will find a lot of grace hidden in the middle of the chaos. I’ve brainstormed a few ways to be intentional with your beloved during a major period of change:
Pray for each other.
This seems obvious, but it’s often the thing that goes out of the window first. Wake up a little earlier (even if it’s just five or ten minutes), go to bed a little later, pray in the car out loud, whatever you have to do to make prayer a priority in this time.
When everything else around you feels like it’s changing, there’s Someone who isn’t. Our relationship with God is the most important thing in our lives, and that doesn’t change during times of transition. Make it a priority to talk to God about the changes, and surrender the things that feel out of your control to him. Without prayer, you won’t be able to have a way to re-center; things will feel overwhelming, and temptation to despair will be very strong. You may find yourself despairing your relationship with your spouse.
You may begin to doubt your own abilities as a capable spouse, parent, employee, etc. In order to keep these doubts and discouragements away as much as possible (because they’ll come no matter what sometimes), we need God to show us who he is and to show us who we are in his eyes. This comes through daily intentional prayer.
Be patient with your spouse.
Look for ways he/she is still the person you fell in love with, no matter how much time has passed. Maybe you fell in love with your spouse’s ability to hold a captive audience in a group of people. Maybe you fell in love with his/her love of dancing or reading or fine art. Perhaps your spouse makes you laugh the most of anyone you know. Look for the ways your spouse still possesses these qualities and remind yourself that this person is still the person you fell in love with.
It may feel like everything else around you is changing, including yourself and your spouse, but reminding yourself of who your spouse really is to you will help you stay united in the midst of the changes.
Try harder than before to speak your spouse’s love language.
Leave notes for him/her if it’s words of affirmation. If it’s physical touch, give him/her a big hug after a long day of work. If your spouse really needs acts of service, look for ways to help that you know he/she would appreciate. Sometimes stepping outside of our own worries and anxieties to serve others really puts things into a positive perspective for us and helps us to stay less focused on ourselves and our own sorrows and more on what really matters.
Pick up some of the slack around the house (if you are physically able).
There will be seasons when you are the one in need of help around the house; if that’s the season you’re in, embrace it. If, however, your spouse is the one primarily going through the changes, voluntarily pick up the slack around the house before it becomes a point of contention for you both.
Sometimes I find myself waiting for my spouse to change a diaper or do the dishes, and I end up resenting him when he’s too busy to do it. Often I need to change my perspective and notice the things he is already doing to help. More often, I have an opportunity to be merciful and steadfast in my duties. If I can do this voluntarily and preemptively before resentment starts to grow in my heart, I find a lot of grace to do things I otherwise would deem too difficult.
Get your spouse (and maybe even yourself) a treat.
My husband loves when I make him a homemade cocktail. That’s easy enough as long as we have the ingredients. Maybe some flowers or a thrifted book would be a good way to show your spouse you’re thinking of him/her and enduring this time of transition together. Brainstorming ideas for this can be fun too!
Overall, times of transition are often just really difficult. Sometimes we’ll feel like we have a good grip on what’s going on, and other times we’ll just need to ride the chaos until we feel settled again. Don’t forget to pray, and everything else will take care of itself.
About the Author: Katherine (Schluter) Finney is proudly from New Orleans, Louisiana, currently living in Nashville, Tennessee while her husband Jonathan finishes fellowship training. She and Jonathan have two daughters, Miriam (3) and Joan (18 months). Kat taught high school religion for four years and has worked for Catholic high schools for six years. She currently stays at home with her two daughters, and she spends most of her time styling hamster play-doh hair and cooking some kind of creole dish for dinner.