How to Love Lapsed Catholic Family Members Through Your Wedding
/LAURA McALISTER
Your wedding Mass is one of the most special and important moments in your life. In this Mass, a bride and groom make an exclusive, total, and lifelong covenant to each other: to love each other faithfully; and by God’s grace, raise a family together.
It is a moment that you want to share with your family, your friends, and your community. But tensions may rise when you desire a Catholic wedding, yet close family members are not practicing the Catholic faith..
How can your wedding Mass express both love for God and faith as well as love for lapsed Catholic family?
Pew Research indicates that over half of all adult Catholics in the US have left the Church. While some still consider themselves culturally Catholic, others have abandoned the Church entirely. Some have very positive feelings about the Catholic Church, but others really struggle with the Church—and may well struggle with your decision to be married in the Church they left.
PHOTOGRAPHY: SIMPLE HEART PHOTOGRAPHY
For many of us, lapsed Catholics aren’t statistics. They are our mothers and fathers, our brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Perhaps you’re the only practicing Catholic in your family.
It is important to plan your Nuptial Mass with your family in mind. This doesn’t mean compromising your dreams of a truly Catholic wedding, let alone abandoning your convictions.
It means finding ways to love your lapsed Catholic family. It means making them feel welcome and included in the Mass. Ultimately, it means extending the loving welcome of Christ who is always standing at the door, knocking at the human heart’s door and calling us back to himself.
Include Your Family
As much as possible, include your family members in the Mass. The most important thing, Jesus tells us, is that we worship God in spirit and in truth. The Mass is the supreme worship of God because in the Mass, we offer the Eucharistic sacrifice of Jesus back to the Father, as he pours his graces on us through the Holy Spirit.
A wise rule of thumb is to ask people to do things they actually believe in. If your brother doesn’t believe prayer works, invite him to participate in a way other than praying aloud with your guests. If your aunt doesn’t believe the Scriptures are inspired by God, consider others to do the readings.
This not only safeguards the integrity of the liturgy as an act of worship; it also means your family members are not “forced” to “act religious” in ways that might be hypocritical to them.
There are still non-liturgical aspects of the Mass your family can participate in without compromising either the sincere worship of God or your own convictions.
For example, your dad can walk you down the aisle, your sister can be your bridesmaid, or your cousin can sign the Wedding Register. None of these is explicitly religious, yet these acts are all ways to include your family in the Nuptial Mass.
Be Patient and Bold
In some ways, having non-Catholic family members might be easier than lapsed Catholic ones. Most of us tend to be more polite and accepting of new things; we don’t want to be seen as difficult or intolerant. When we think we understand something, however, we can be more cutting or even intolerant.
Blessed Fulton Sheen said, “There are not one hundred people in the United States who hate The Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they wrongly perceive the Catholic Church to be.”
Be very patient and understanding towards your family. Understand they may have wounds or deeply personal struggles with the Church. Unfair though it may feel, inviting them into the Church for your wedding may bring up these tense emotions. Be an image of Christ, open and willing to hear their stories.
Pray for small opportunities to witness to Jesus. Share the meaning behind your decisions. You might be surprised where your conversations end up!
Explain Everything
Always start with the assumption that family members have no idea what you’re doing—even if they themselves were raised Catholic.
For a Catholic wedding, a beautiful and informative Wedding Program is essential. In the program, clearly mark when to sit, stand and kneel. Include all the prayers and responses for the wedding guests to follow. You can also ask the priest to guide the congregation when to sit and stand.
Explaining everything might seem overboard when you’re familiar with the Mass, but it’s a simple way to love others. No one wants to feel confused or left out at a wedding!
Pick your Battles
Even if you can explain something in the Mass, you still need to be aware of how things will come across.
For example, the traditional reading or epistle for the Nuptial Mass is Ephesians 5: 21-33, which begins “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” This verse is often misunderstood!
You and your fiancé might love this passage and understand it in the light of Christ’s radical and self-sacrificial love. But your mom may not. Chances are, lapsed and non-Catholics may simply shut down when they hear language like that.
There is a time to insist on the fullness of the Catholic faith, and there is a time to be prudent. When planning your wedding Mass, keep your guests in mind as you strive to reveal God’s truth and love in every decision. Be Clear but Gentle about the Eucharist
There are some battles you might have to fight—or at least be willing to plant your flag. The supreme gift of our faith is the Holy Eucharist because it is Christ Himself, made truly present under the forms of bread and wine.
Under Church law, only baptized Catholics in a state of grace may receive Holy Communion. Depending on your family and their experiences, some lapsed Catholics will still receive Holy Communion even when they shouldn’t. Others might want to receive, but remember that, under Church teaching, they cannot. Still others might have no desire at all.
Be as clear and charitable about this as possible. Many couples place a small note in their wedding booklets about who can receive Holy Communion. Others ask the priest to clarify who can receive Holy Communion. In the end, your effort can go towards being both hospitable and transparent about Church teaching; any final judgement is not your responsibility.
Pray for Your Family, including Deceased Family, in the Mass
Finally, pray for your family. Pray for them throughout your wedding preparations and during the Mass itself.
Pray they will encounter Christ anew and return to the Church. Pray that God will bless and heal them.
Pray publicly for your family in the Nuptial Mass, including deceased family members. Your lapsed Catholic family might not get teary-eyed over your favorite Palestrina or share your devotion to Our Lady, but they will always be touched by your prayers and concerns for them.
And remember: however much we love our families, our Father in Heaven loves them infinitely more.
About the Author: Laura McAlister is an Australian Catholic freelance writer and history-lover. She lives in Sydney and iis engaged to a handsome Irishman, whom she met while studying Medieval History in Ireland. Laura blogs about her struggles with prayer and perfectionism at Craving Graces. In her spare time, she loves chatting about Jane Austen, mysticism, and gender roles over tea and biscuits.
