Finding Abundance During Seasons of Abstinence
/BRIDGET BUSACKER
“We have to abstain AGAIN??”
PHOTOGRAPHY: MACKENZIE REITER
I remember looking at my app and reviewing my charted symptoms from the past few days and knew if we didn’t feel called to having children, we would need to abstain from sex that night.
And, I’ll be honest, I can remember many moments like this. At one point, my husband and I joked about having a song to capture our frustration, so we could jam it out. This might sound crazy, but these frustrations with Natural Family Planning (NFP) actually lead to good (and hard!) conversations for us about it.
We have to choose to have an abundance mindset about NFP or to live in a space of scarcity whenever we discern that ovulation means abstaining in this particular season of our marriage.
We quickly realized that:
Firstly, the Catholic Church wasn’t forcing us to practice NFP. We have free will and could easily choose to throw it aside and use birth control. But, we knew through the education, training, and theology we had read how much we wanted this for our marriage.
We read and saw couples practicing who truly spoke to the virtue building, finding creative ways to love each other, rooting out lust, and not treating our spouse as objects. We wanted that! But, like loving someone, it is a choice. And, to love my spouse fully, I need to choose NFP for our marriage to help me root out my own sinfulness and struggles when it comes to sex.
Secondly, we could hold a grudge during times of abstinence, or we could choose to see it as an opportunity to stretch, grow, and find creative ways to love each other. We quickly learned how limiting our creativity was and abstinence during each cycle really challenged us to refrain from complaining and be proactive in our love for one another.
Don’t get me wrong, we maintained honesty about our frustrations because it was helpful to articulate the roadblocks, our personal struggles with lust, and the temptation to focus on our own desires.
But, we also celebrated our attraction to each other, the desire we have for one another, and the great gift of sex! We needed both in order to be on the same team and love each other fully, especially in seasons of abstinence.
So, we created a list. We didn’t follow it perfectly, we sometimes failed and fell into complaining, but it was the continual conversation that helped us (and continues to help us) grow in our love.
Ask each other about your favorite games, movies, meals, hobbies and what new things you want to try together. Explore each other’s interests and lean into the newness of trying the unfamiliar in an attempt to get to know your spouse and what they enjoy.
This time of abstinence can be hard because you love your spouse and you desire union with the other person you’ve given your life to. However, it can also be a time of abundance if we choose to make it as such.
If you find yourselves really struggling, reach out to your instructor or another couple you trust and share what’s going on. It can help to talk to someone outside of your marriage when it’s hard to see the opportunities or when it just feels downright painful. Just remember that you are not in this alone in this season of abstinence!
NFP challenges each couple to determine what God is calling each of us to and we discern the best we can. You’re not failing at NFP if abstinence is hard. You’re doing it right if the struggle is real and the pain is evident. The fire of NFP is absolutely purifying, but you and your spouse can come out stronger together!
About the Author: Bridget Busacker is founder of Managing Your Fertility, an online, one-stop shop of Natural Family Planning (NFP) resources for women and couples. She is on a mission to fuse the science of Fertility Awareness Based Methods (FABMs) and Theology of the Body (TOB) into the everyday practice of NFP. Bridget is passionate about women’s health and sex education that promotes the dignity of the human person by integrating a holistic approach to self-knowledge of the body.
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