Side Effects of NFP: Stronger Communication and Deeper Intimacy

BRIDGET BUSACKER

“Doesn’t talking about sex all the time remove the sponteineity?” 

I couldn’t help but wonder if Natural Family Planning (NFP) would drain the fun and spontaneity out of my relationship with my husband. The movies never showed sex as something thoughtful and planned. And, although I knew sex was sacred and beautiful, no one openly talked about their sex lives with me as an engaged person, so I really didn’t know what to expect. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: SIMPLE HEART PHOTOGRAPHY

The process of picking a method and learning NFP was stressful enough, so I couldn’t help but be apprehensive that it might be just as stressful in practice in our marriage, too. That wasn’t exactly the rom-com experience I grew up watching and definitely didn’t desire a buzzkill effect in the bedroom.

After four years of practicing fertility awareness and learning more about the integration of NFP in our marriage, I learned that NFP isn’t a romance-killer, but rather the ultimate virtue builder and an honest conversation about intimacy, consent, and love. It didn’t kill romance for me, it shifted my skewed perception from a sex-obsessed culture that doesn’t integrate the reality of our personhood into the beautiful gift sex is.

NFP challenges my understanding of intimacy by pushing me to have open conversations about my cycle and my body (including my body image struggles). It is a space that invites me to openness--not just to life, but to my husband’s love. During times of trying to avoid pregnancy (TTA), we are both challenged in how we love each other in order to not get stuck or opt for our individual evenings. The nights we want to be together physically, but know we are not called to have a baby, we have to choose each other in new ways. It can be hard sometimes and we are reminded that this is a choice, not something forced upon us. 

In the moments of frustration, it requires us to refine our love and to get creative with each other. Sometimes, it’s a game night, a movie night with popcorn, a walk around our neighborhood and a stop at our parish’s Adoration Chapel, going to a brewery, playing cards in the park with snacks, reading a book out loud together. These are just a few ways we try to be creative and enjoy each other, being reminded that we don’t just appreciate each other’s bodies, we appreciate the person in front of us who we have the honor to love every day.

NFP pushes me to better understand consent and speak up for myself and my needs. I have to ask myself if I’m “not in the mood”, what are the motivating factors? Am I withholding love or the opportunity for closeness because I am overwhelmed? Do I need to ask for help to share the burden of what is causing me to say “no” (whatever it might be)? Am I tired? Am I feeling unloved in other areas? 

These are never easy questions to ask myself, but it’s necessary for me to get to the root of my reservations, in order to understand if it’s a valid reason or if I’m simply withholding due to other things going on that I need to communicate to my husband. 

Just because we are in a position based on my fertility to have sex while TTA doesn’t mean we have to have sex. NFP challenges both of us to remember that sex is a gift and it is sacred. It isn’t something to check off or abuse or take advantage of the other, but rather refine our hearts and our intentions. We also have a shared responsibility if we are choosing TTA versus trying to conceive (TTC); I have to be honest with myself and my husband about what’s going on emotionally, mentally and physically, and where I think God is calling us next in our marriage. 

This can be really hard to open up so honestly, but it is the great beauty of NFP which allows us to grow in intimacy and relationship by sharing our heart of hearts with someone we love so intricately.

NFP ultimately shifts my perspective about what love really is and how I’m called to love my husband in our marriage. 

Something that we say to each other often is, “We’re on the same team”. This phrase is a game-changer in all aspects of our marriage, but especially in regards to intimacy and sex. Even if we are struggling to agree or one of us may feel we’re in a position to have another child and the other is more hesitant, we are reminded that in order for our marriage to work and for sex to be valued, we have to remember that we ARE on the same team even if we aren’t perfectly aligning in the moment or season. 

This can be incredibly hard and refining and I won’t sugarcoat it: when you hear that NFP helps communication, it may not be in the way you expect it to be. Growing in virtue can be a painful process, but the outcome of pushing together and continuing to choose your spouse allows for beauty and a profound, abiding love to grow.

I was reminded of the reality of my marriage when a priest said, “Sometimes, your spouse is your cross. And, sometimes, you are your spouse’s cross.” But don’t we want to be refined? Don’t we want a beautiful love? Of course we do! We know through our own wounds and hurts that the world offers counterfeit love which never fulfills the deep longing we desire. Only God can ultimately fulfill us; yet, He shares with us the great vocation of marriage as a school of love. It is an education we never graduate from until we get to Heaven. 

Allow NFP to work in your heart, allow God to use this tool to refine your love, improve your communication with your spouse, and ultimately, cheer your teammate onto Heaven, our ultimate goal. 

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If you liked this article, we hope you enjoy this episode of the Spoken Bride podcast featuring Bridget Busacker.

About the Author: Bridget Busacker is a public health communications professional and founder of Managing Your Fertility, a one-stop shop for NFP/FABM resources for women and couples. She is married to her wonderful husband, David, and together they have a sweet daughter.

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Infinite Depths: What Sex Teaches Us About the Human Person

CARISSA PLUTA

Magazines, books, movies, and other forms of media pressure young couples to “test drive” their sexual compatibility long before they start looking for a ring.

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBY CONSOLI

Our culture has taught us to think of sex as something that should be effortless from the start.  

However, if you’re married, I’d be willing to bet your wedding night did not go as smoothly as Hollywood led you to believe (I know mine was filled with a few hiccups and a lot of laughs). 

Newly wed couples need time and patience to learn how their bodies respond to one another, but those initial challenges can leave newly married couples questioning if (and when) they will have it “all figured out.” 

However, sex is not a puzzle to figure out, or a game that you can win. It is something constantly growing and evolving as a husband and wife grow as a couple. 

It takes a lot of communication and intentionality, not just at the beginning of a marriage but throughout it. 

You will go through seasons where it seems like coming together as husband and wife is effortless, but there will be other times where you will need to reevaluate what is working and what isn’t.

As your bodies change over time, your needs and desires will change too. For instance, the marital union will most likely look different before having children, than it does during the pregnancy and postpartum seasons. 

In the same way that our bodies, especially their participation in the marital act, can reveal deep truths about the nature of Love Himself, this aspect of sexual unity reveals the vastness of our God and the depth of His creations.

We can never get bored in heaven because we worship an infinite God. As much as we can learn and know about God through the scriptures and writings of theologians and saints, there will always be more to learn, more to contemplate.

We will spend eternity uncovering the intricacies and mystery of our Heavenly Lover. 

And our Earthly Lover reflects his Creator in this way.

Humans are beautifully complex creatures, and it takes time to even begin scratching the surface of who they are and what they contain. 

We will spend our marriage, unearthing the depths of our spouse, learning how to enter more fully into union with him. 

We will learn how to make ourselves a more complete gift and how to more fully receive the other.

We will see the infinite ways that our marriage bed can make incarnate a heavenly reality. 

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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How to Connect with Your Spouse While Postponing Pregnancy

CARISSA PLUTA

When using Natural Family Planning, married couples must frequently pray about and discuss their desire and plans for having more children. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: MADI MYERS-COOK

And in some circumstances, through prayer and discernment, husbands and wives may make the decision to postpone a pregnancy (or another pregnancy). 

Abstaining from sex during periods of fertility can prove challenging for couples, and they may find themselves having difficulty connecting with one another during these times. 

But there are so many ways to feel intimate with your spouse even when you can’t be intimate. 

Communicate

Communication is key for couples trying to avoid pregnancy. Couples should not only remind each other of their “why” for avoiding, but should also discuss the challenges that may arise in doing so. 

But even more importantly, take this time to grow in emotional intimacy. Share your feelings, dreams, and interests with your spouse and actively listen to his.

Prayer

Praying with your spouse during this time strengthens both your individual relationships with God as well as your marriage. 

Prayer fosters humility, vulnerability, and trust. It calls husband and wife to look outside of themselves toward the other and Christ. 

Physical Affection

Just because the night can’t end in sex doesn’t mean you have to avoid all physical contact with your spouse until you’re back in your infertile time. 

Couples should focus on physical touch that affirms each other rather than arouses. Hand holding, hugging, even kissing can help couples feel intimate during times of abstinence. 

But if you have a serious reason to avoid pregnancy, you should know what physical contact you can handle and which will only make the avoiding harder. 

Get creative

You can get creative with how you and your husband can spend your free time together during times of abstinence. 

Carving out quality time with your partner can help you to connect in a new and fun way. Go bowling, play a board game or try a new hobby. Enjoy one another’s company. 

Laughter

Find ways to make each other laugh. Laughter releases tension and can really help couples during times when facing the challenges of abstaining. Not only that, but sharing jokes and laughter will draw you and your spouse closer together. 

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Questions to Foster Emotional Intimacy

CARISSA PLUTA

Early in a relationship, couples often have an easier time asking probing questions to get to know their significant other in a deeper way.

PHOTOGRAPHY: I’M MARY KATHERINE

But after the honeymoon phase has waned, couples can easily default to questions that require a simple response like: “How was your day?” or “How was work?”

Asking thoughtful questions and then actively listening to the answers your spouse gives can do a lot to foster emotional intimacy and connection between a husband and wife. 

Not yet married? Read more here on developing emotional intimacy during engagement.

Try asking your husband one (or all) of these questions on your next date night, or around the dinner table to get the conversation started. 

What are your dreams?

Dreams can grow and change over time as a person discovers more about who they are. So even if you knew your spouse’s dream during the seasons of dating and engagement, his dreams (and yours) may look different now then when you met. 

Asking your husband to share his dreams with you makes him feel known, while also revealing ways in which you can encourage your spouse in pursuing them. 

This question often generates discussion about dreams that you as a couple have for your family and future together.

What have you been thankful for recently?

As marriage move past the honeymoon stage, it is very easy for couples to take each other for granted; however, gratitude is an integral part of healthy relationships. 

Asking your spouse what he is thankful for gives him the opportunity to intentionally practice gratitude, enforcing it as a more regular habit. 

It can also help you, personally and as a couple, to focus on the present moment and all the gifts God has blessed you with. 

What has Jesus been saying to you in prayer?

This question goes even deeper than the classic “How is your prayer life?” 

It invites the listener into this innermost part of their spouse’s heart and may even help your spouse process the ways in which God has worked in their lives. 

Plus, it opens up the possibility for a longer conversation on spirituality and prayer which can be edifying for both people. 

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Habits You Can Start Now to Prepare for Married Intimacy

Reserving the gift of the sexual embrace for the one person you commit your life to in the sacrament of matrimony is a gift of self. A gift which embodies chastity, freedom, and self-control; virtues which continue to grow throughout married life—no longer by withholding, but precisely through physical intimacy. 

Teachings of the Catholic Church surrounding sex and marriage are not a set of rules to control our personal lives or for the sake of abstinence alone. Rather, these are beautiful teachings of the Church to emphasize authentic love through a freely given gift of self, with an openness toward creating life. In this way, we embody the love of God.

Physical intimacy is offered as a chaste gift is when it parallels the gift of Christ to his bride, the Church. Sex makes visible the glorious vows offered and received on the wedding altar. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: HORN PHOTOGRAPHY AND DESIGN

Conversations surrounding sex and marriage are not just about sex. The dialogue is rooted in reverence for the human person and virtue of the human heart. Regardless of our relationship status, we are all called to grow in reverence and virtue. 

Our actions involving sexuality are some of the most important ways we can fulfill the universal call of holiness. Yet there are many ways we can grow in chastity, experience collaboration with God, and offer a profound gift of self prior to or outside of intimacy with a partner. 

Receive the Eucharist 

Receiving the Eucharist in the liturgy of the Mass is the epitome of intimacy with God. This is the moment when God proclaims his love and desire for intimate union with his children. Receiving the Eucharist with a pure heart is the greatest experience of physical and spiritual intimacy with God. 

When God offers his body, blood, soul and divinity and we receive him through our mouth and into our body, we experience the fullest reverence, virtue, chastity, and gift that we can experience on this side of heaven. The Eucharist is an image of the embrace between bride and groom; images of infinite union, which God prepares in heaven for every person. 

Bringing your desires, longings and aches to the father in the Eucharist is the most holy place we can turn to for healing and strength. He knows what it means to experience the ache of the human heart and he desires to pull us into deeper and more chaste relationship with him and with others. 

Feasting and Fasting 

Scripture affirms “prayer with fasting is good.” Fasting, most often associated with the season of Lent, is an opportunity for the faithful to prayerfully give something up to elicit an experience of longing. When we abstain from a tangible or consumable good and experience the ache of desire, our hearts yearn for more. That deep emotional encounter is a moment we can turn to God in prayer and ask him to fill the void in our hearts, bodies, and souls. 

There is nothing on earth, including sex (even sex within marriage), that can completely fill our hearts’ longings. Saint Augustine understood this perpetual ache when he said, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in you.” 

Establishing a practice of regular fasting opens the heart to experience a deeper longing, raises our awareness of our hearts desires, and provides opportunities to grow in intimacy with God. Consider something small; for example, giving up fancy coffee drinks once a week as a prayer to experience desire, to grow in virtue and to understand freedom of saying “no.”

Relationships with the Saints

The saints are holy men and women who received understanding of God’s will for their lives and fulfilled it through their time on Earth. They are made available to us as spiritual—and very real—friends, mentors, and guides through prayer and devotion. 

Maybe the saints all feel like strangers to you, yet you desire some kind of mentor along this journey of chastity and self-control. Ask God to deliver you a holy friend and keep your eyes and ears open for the opportunity to dive into a new relationship with a saint. Perhaps there is a saint who has recently become more prevalent in your life. If you sense they are seeking your attention, turn to them in a novena or devotion for guidance along this journey toward holiness.  

Delayed Gratification 

In a culture where we can acquire information and products almost immediately through modern technology, delayed gratification is an underappreciated skill. Through delayed gratification, practice withholding a desire with a confident hope of acquiring it in the future. As a small example, delay how quickly after dinner you indulge in dessert. The time of waiting is an opportunity to grow in patience and self-control.

As you train these muscles of your head and your heart, you build a muscle memory which will be a strength if or when you are tempted to engage in sexual intimacy in an unchaste way. Practice saying “no” through the freedom of your self-control for something small so you can experience the fullest joys—the fulest yes—for something truly divine.