The Importance of Healthy Boundaries During Wedding Planning

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Wedding planning is stressful no matter how you slice it, but when you throw two different extended families into the mix, things can get…complicated. The mother of the bride wants everyone dressed in tuxes and evening gowns, while the mother of the groom insists on a more casual dress code. One side of the family isn’t Catholic and doesn’t understand why the wedding party can’t break out the bubbly right before the wedding Mass. Or perhaps the guest list is the bone of contention: one set of parents insists on everyone being invited—budget notwithstanding—including that friend-of-the-family you haven’t seen since you were two years old.

What some couples don’t realize is that there is an emotionally healthy and charitable way to keep these potential conflicts. By setting clear boundaries with both of your families, you’ll not only avoid wedding planning drama (and the tears that accompany it), you’ll also be setting the tone for your future interactions with extended family.

Be realistic about how much autonomy you and your fiancé can expect during the planning process.

If your parents are paying for some or all of the festivities, you probably can’t reasonably insist on having complete control over the details—especially when it comes to the reception. Think of it this way: this is your parents' gift to you. Normally, we don’t get to choose the gifts that others give us; we simply accept them, even if they’re not exactly what we wanted. No matter how frustrated you may get during the planning process, remember that at the end of the day, you and your husband will be married, which is what matters.

That said, if you want total control from soup to nuts, you’ll need to pay for most everything yourself (like one of our recent contributors, Katie, and her now-husband did). This may not be an option for young couples who are getting married right out of college or grad school, but it’s definitely something to consider if you and your fiancé have been working in the “real world” for a few years.

Communicate clearly from the beginning.

Figure out what you’re willing to compromise on, and what’s non-negotiable for you and your fiancé, and discuss it with both sets of parents as soon as possible. A face-to-face meeting of some kind (FaceTime counts) is preferable, as emails can be easily misinterpreted. Make sure your parents and future in-laws know how much you value their support and input, but make it clear that there are certain things you’re not willing to budge on—especially when it comes to the nuptial Mass. This will be particularly important if one set of parents isn’t Catholic.

Remember that you’re laying the groundwork for your new family’s future.

After you get married, your primary family unit is you and your husband, not you and your family of origin. This is a tough transition to make, especially if you’re close to your family or are still working on establishing healthy boundaries with them. Think of engagement and wedding planning as a trial run for newlywed life, when parents and siblings may struggle to accept that your primary roles are not daughter/sister anymore. You and your future husband are a team, and the more you act as a team while engaged, the easier it will be to set healthy boundaries with your families in the future—especially if you have children.

Don’t be afraid to say “no” (charitably).

Christian charity is not the same thing as being a doormat. Yes, it’s difficult to say “no” to your well-meaning family members (or future in-laws) when they offer their opinions, advice, or assistance, but there is a kind way to do so. The key is to thank them whole-heartedly for their suggestion, and calmly explain that you and your fiancé have already decided to go in a different direction.

Enlist your fiancé's help.

Your fiancé is your biggest ally and can encourage you as you try to establish boundaries, especially with your own family. Make sure you keep him in the loop as much as possible, so that he can call you out if he sees that boundaries are being crossed in either direction. On the flip side, be sure to let him know if you feel like he needs to work on boundaries with his family, especially if you feel as though he is prioritizing his family’s feelings over yours.

If you want to learn how to establish healthy boundaries, consider discussing the topic with a pre-martial counselor in your area. You and your fiancé may also want to check out the following books as part of your marriage preparation:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody

Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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3 Books You May Not Have on Your Marriage Prep List

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

As a Catholic bride-to-be, you’ve probably been inundated with book recommendations, engagement prayers, and NFP method comparisons. Despite all of the doomsday talk we hear about the state of marriage in our culture (much of which is justified), I think we are living at a wonderful time to get married in the Catholic Church. Never before have there been so many resources available to engaged couples, ranging from theological to practical.  Elise wrote an excellent post on her favorite Catholic resources (she hit everything on my list!), and while those were foundational to Kristian’s and my preparation, we also found wisdom and guidance in books that don’t qualify as spiritual reading.

Photo courtesy of Susan Reue. 

Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy

I would count Attachments as one of the books that changed my life. Shortly before I met my now husband, I became aware--through the help of my therapist--that much of the distress I had experienced in past relationships was due to a lack of secure attachment. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake my fear of abandonment and rejection, which made it impossible for me to be truly vulnerable with anyone. And if you can’t be vulnerable, you really can’t have a healthy or happy marriage. My therapist recommended this book, and I don’t think I would be engaged today if it weren’t for the practical help it gave me. A few months after we started dating, Kristian read it on my recommendation and also found it helpful, not only for understanding me, but also for making sense of his own life and relationship history.

Attachments breaks down the different styles of insecure attachment (i.e. the reasons why so many relationships are unstable and unhealthy) and the root causes of them, e.g. traumatic/abusive/unhealthy experiences from our childhood. The authors give real-world examples of each attachment style and practical guidance on how to become securely attached in your relationships with God, family members, friends, spouses/significant others, and your (future) kids. Attachments, true to its title, helped me understand why I “love, feel, and act” the way I do. It also helped me understand why my ex-boyfriends, siblings, parents, and even friends love, feel, and act the way they do. It’s not a silver bullet, by any means, but after reading the book and putting into practice some of the authors’ recommendations, as well as discussing what I learned with my therapist, I started to notice positive, seemingly miraculous changes in the way that I related to others--especially my family and my husband. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

Although it’s written for already-married couples, I think Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work should be required reading for anyone who is seriously dating or engaged. Dr. John Gottman uses his impressive and extensive body of research to shed light on the common causes of divorce (they’re not what you think) and the habits of couples who not only make it, but are genuinely happy together throughout their married lives. It’s full of quizzes and activities that you can do with your significant other that can help you identify potential problem areas and start building a solid “relationship house” even before you say “I do.” Dr. Gottman isn’t Catholic (I’m not even sure if he’s a Christian), but Seven Principles is grounded in the truth of what it means to love someone “till death do us part”, and thus belongs on every Catholic couple’s bookshelf.

The Betrothed by Alessandro Manzoni

And now, for something completely different. It was actually Kristian's idea to read the classic Italian historical novel The Betrothed (“I Promessi Sposi”) together; he read it in Italian (yep, he knows Italian) and I read the English translation. The Betrothed is ultimately a story about the mysterious nature of God’s plan for our lives, and that nothing can separate us from his love. The story follows the lives of Lucia and Lorenzo, an engaged couple living in 17th century Italy who are prevented from marrying by the powerful lord Don Rodrigo, who desires Lucia for himself. While they escape the clutches of Don Rodrigo, they become separated and must persevere in their love for each other while the whole world seems to crumble around them. I must admit that I skipped some of the Italian political history stuff (Kristian did not), but I thoroughly enjoyed the book and was encouraged by the faithfulness of Lucia and Renzo, not only to each other, but to the Lord.

I hope these resources prove to be as helpful to you and your fiance as they’ve been to Kristian and me. Regardless of how far along you are in the marriage prep process, it never hurts to add a few more books to your list--even if you don’t get to them until after you’re married. If you’re engaged or married and have read these books, what did you think? Did you find them helpful? Would you add any others to the list? Let me know in the comments!

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About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Editors' Picks, Vol, 5 | What We're Reading

At Spoken Bride, we love a good book, a good meal, a standout statement necklace, a heel you can dance in, and the list goes on. And when we make those discoveries, we want to tell everyone. So every month or two, we're sharing our latest and favorite finds in everything engagement, wedding, and honeymoon-related.

Whether you prefer literature, spiritual reading, or nonfiction, the best of the written word has the power to illuminate truth and goodness and to reintroduce us to ourselves. Take a look at what we're currently reading, and we hope you'll find inspiration for your own library or reading list.

Andi, Business Director

The Poldark Series by Winston Graham: I know it's cheesy, but I enjoy the show and a certain Spoken Bride team member (who shall remain nameless) said the books were great, so here I am. The books have actually been better reads than I expected: no Fabio-esque hair blowing in the wind, beautiful descriptions of Cornwall, and an omniscient narrator so I finally can understand what's behind all the longing glances on the show.

The Catholic Table by Emily Stimpson Chapman: I just love this book. If you read Emily's blog by the same name, you'll find it's a lovely approach that gets to the heart of our faith: fasting, feasting, and how Jesus brings it all together. I love Emily's understanding of hospitality--it's always been my goal to have a comfy home with a open door, and it was nice to read about someone else who loves having guests in their home.

Write. Publish. Market. by Jodi Brandon: This is a well-written, straightforward book with great information on how creative entrepreneurs can self-publish or get published through traditional avenues. I've got ideas swirling in my head and sketchbook of a project I'd never, ever, even thought of doing until the Holy Sprit recently started nudging me.

Daily Companion for Married Couples by Allan F. Wright: I picked up this little daily devotional at the Mission Santa Inez gift shop as a Christmas present for my hubby. Each day we have a short quote from a saint, author, the Bible, or the Catechism, followed by a short reflection and discussion question. It's been nice having something to talk about together right before we go to sleep, and is short enough that we can read and discuss the topic within five minutes.

On my list for 2017:  Karol Wojtyla's The Jeweler's Shop, David Clayton and Leila Marie Lawler's The Little Oratory, Fulton Sheen's Three to Get Married (again), and G.K Chesterton's Orthodoxy.

Elise, Social Media Manager

The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp: I'm not exaggerating when I say this book has been completely life-changing. Although Ann is not Catholic, I was incredibly surprised by how well her thesis supports the Catholic theology of communion. The Broken Way is a compilation of Ann's reflections on how as humans we can live an abundant life, not despite, but with our wounds and brokenness. Ann's words touched me deeply and the book was a great reminder that "I am His and He is mine." 

The Magnolia Story by Chip and Joanna Gaines: Any of my friends or family can tell you I love Chip and Joanna's show, Fixer Upper, on HGTV. For me, this story was one of hope. I cried multiple times while reading it. As an entrepreneur, I could relate to Chip and Joanna's story of ups and downs in trying to run their multiple businesses. It was incredibly inspiring and reassuring that Chip and Joanna overcame many obstacles in their lives and still remained faithful to what they knew to be God's calling for them. 

The E-Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber: For 2017, my goal is to work more on my business instead of in my business, meaning I need to continue learning how to be the best manager, boss and bringer of clients instead of only doing client work. Easier said than done. The E-Myth has helped me shift my mindset as a business owner and learn how strategize when it comes to scaling my business. 

Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist: This book is a beautiful reminder to view ourselves how God sees us. It is only when we understand God's truly unconditional love that we begin to align our lives with our true vocation and calling. 

On my list for 2017: Seth Godin's Purple Cow: Transform Your Business by Being Remarkable, Elaine Sciolino's The Only Street in Paris: Life on the Rue des Martyrs, and Henri Nouwen's The Inner Voice of Love.

Jiza, Co-Founder + Creative Director

The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp: Ann Voskamp candidly shares about her life’s struggles and faith in the book “The Broken Way”. Emotional, raw, honest, this book is full of nuggets of wisdom. However, this leads to my next book. 

Searching for and Maintaining Peace: A Small Treatise on Peace of Heart by Fr. Jacques Philippe: Being a highly sensitive person (HSP) and your classic ENFP, I can get easily swept away or deeply engrossed in the intimate & emotional experiences of others. That being said, I needed a breather from The Broken Way and picked up this book in its place. Being written by a priest, this book offers objective & gentle spiritual direction and wisdom on finding and keeping peace that only comes from God and God alone. 

For the Children’s Sake: Foundations of Education for Home & School by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay: If you follow my personal Instagram, you’ll find a lot of homeschooling photos of my children. While I am still new to it, I love Charlotte Mason’s methodology and approach to education. This book beautiful frames Miss Mason’s belief on educating not just the mind, but educating the will and the entire person. 

Black Moon (The Poldark Series) by Winston Graham: This is my “waiting room” book. It’s an easy fictional read for anytime I just need my mind to turn off. If you love British television, I’m sure you have already been watching Captain Ross Poldark and all his drama. Season 2 left me a bit distraught, so I hopped on Black Moon to eagerly read about Ross’s redemption that supposedly happens in Season 3. 

On my list for 2017: Brian Kennelly’s To the Heights: A Novel Based on the Life of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati (I need to finish reading this one), Sigrid Undset's Kristin Lavransdatter (this one, too), Jennie Allen's Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard, and Jennifer Fulwiller's Something Other Than God: How I Passionately Sought Happiness and Accidentally Found It.

Stephanie, Co-Founder + Editor in Chief

Island of the World by Michael D. O'Brien: A few friends had recommended this modern classic of a Catholic novel, but the 800-page commitment intimidated me. I shouldn’t have worried. This story of a soul, the fictional Josip Lasta, is the amazingly compelling chronicle of one man’s life, from boyhood to old age, under the Communist regime in Croatia. Amidst the depths of human evil and depravity and to the heights of love and communion, Lasta’s life serves as a reminder that no man is ever truly alone and that the hand of providence is constantly, actively at work in the world. Reading this, I have been staying up long past my bedtime on pure adrenaline and wonder, have recalled many similar details from John Paul II’s youth and young adulthood in occupied Poland, and have experienced a renewed sense of the fact that freedom is complete gift and grace.

Mansfield Park by Jane Austen: As a former English major who wrote her senior thesis on Jane Austen, I’m a little embarrassed to admit I only recently picked up this book for the first time. Austen once said that of all her characters, she identified most with Fanny Bryce, the heroine of this novel, and I can see why. A sharp observer of conduct and of the subtleties that pass between men and women, Fanny is often the lone individual with the eyes to see falsehood and shallowness for what they are when her family becomes taken with two beguiling new acquaintances. What Mansfield Park lacks in romantic banter compared to, for instance, Pride and Prejudice, it more than makes up for in dead-on emotion and perception that still feels relevant hundreds of years later, a quality I’m really enjoying.

Frances and Bernard by Carlene Bauer: I am forever, and I mean constantly, in search of a love story that will sweep me off my feet. Between my being a hard sell on grand, emotionally-driven gestures and having some differences of opinion with the culture’s notions of romance and dating, I guess my bar is pretty high. But I think I might have found one. This funny, unpretentious, and beautifully written novel, told in letters, is based on the real-life correspondence of Flannery O’Connor and the poet Robert Lowell. O’Connor was a convert to the Catholic faith, while Lowell was a religious skeptic for much of his life. Their discussions of the Church and the faith often feel like spiritual reading, and the depth of goodwill and admiration between Bauer’s imagined versions of these writers has brought me to tears. Truly, in my opinion it’s a romance for the ages!

Landline by Rainbow Rowell: Sometimes the right book comes along at the right time. A few months ago, my husband and I experienced one of the rougher periods in our marriage as we struggled to prioritize each other over our other responsibilities and as a particularly overwhelming, sleep-deprived season of our parenthood took its toll on our ability to show each other basic patience and kindness. This book introduces a married couple that’s drifted apart. With the help of a surprisingly plausible magic phone, they receive a second chance to make good on their relationship. Their story moved me in a way it might not have, had I not recently experienced this difficult time. It struck me profoundly how small wounds can pile up over time and cause serious damage to a relationship, and how our every interaction with our spouse presents us with a choice. To choose forgiveness over pettiness, sacrifice over self, and authentic love over convenience is painful and purifying, but a worthy effort every time.

On my list for 2017: James Keating’s Spousal Prayer: A Way to Marital Happiness, Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, Amor Towles’ A Gentleman in Moscow, and Cardinal Stanislaw Dziwisz’s A Life with Karol: My Forty-Year Friendship with the Man Who Became Pope.

Christina, Associate Editor

From Generation to Generation by Edwin H. Friedman: One of my passions/side hobbies is psychology, especially when it’s related to family of origin. This book (so far) is an excellent introduction into the world of family systems psychology, which focuses not only on the problems of each individual within a family, but how dysfunctional family patterns exacerbate those problems. Even for someone like me who has been in and out of therapy for much of her life, I’m still learning quite a bit from this book about how I can be an instrument of peace and healing in my own family.

Authenticity: A Biblical Theology of Discernment by Fr. Thomas Dubay: Like all of Fr. Dubay’s books, this one is a spiritual kick in the butt. It’s so easy for us to think we’re following God’s will, when what we’re really following is our own plans and desires wrapped up in spiritual packaging. Fr. Dubay challenges his readers to cultivate humility and poverty of spirit--and to seek the help of a competent spiritual director-- so that they can more readily attend to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Authenticity is not a light read, but it’s worth the effort if you want to grow in your capacity to discern God’s will in your life.

Anne’s House of Dreams by L.M. Montgomery: Since high school, when I first discovered Anne, I’ve probably read the entire Anne of Green Gables series at least ten times (and my favorites--like Anne of the Island--even more), so I couldn’t resist reading Anne’s House of Dreams during my first month as a newlywed. I’ve always loved this fifth book in the Anne series, but in some ways I felt like I was reading it for the first time; I could relate to Anne and her wifely joy in a new way. Anne’s House of Dreams is also unique among the Anne books because Anne’s rosy outlook on life is challenged for the first time by tragedy. If you’re looking for a fun, easy, yet surprisingly profound novel to chase away the winter doldrums, this is the book for you.

Co-Workers of the Truth: Meditations for Every Day of the Year by Joseph Ratzinger: I am unabashedly obsessed with Joseph Ratzinger (aka Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI) and his writings. He has done more for my post-graduate intellectual and spiritual development than any other theologian, and there’s rarely a time during the year when I’m not reading something by Ratzinger. The only downside to Co-Workers of the Truth is having to pace myself and only read one meditation per day.

On my list for 2017: Christianity and the Crisis of Cultures by Joseph Ratzinger, The Eternal Woman by Gertrud von Le Fort, Sweetening the Pill: Or, How We Got Hooked on Hormonal Birth Control by Holly Grigg-Spall, To Know Christ Jesus by F.J. Sheed, and a slew of novels by Dorothy Sayers.

Elise's Wedding | Our Favorite Marriage-Prep Resources

SAVE THE DATE ... our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

(Photos: Meaghan Clare Photography)

Over the last few years, Hunter and I have developed our own library of favorite marriage and engagement-focused resources. I'm excited to share them with you today in anticipation that they bless you and your significant other, as well. 

The Temperament God Gave You/ God Gave Your Spouse by Art and Laraine Bennett: These books by a Catholic married couple, one a licensed marriage therapist and one with a Masters in philosophy break down certain tendencies, virtues, and weaknesses particular to the four temperaments of classical philosophy, with a solid spiritual element added in. They were so eye-opening to me! Although Hunter and I both agreed not everyone fits perfectly into the four temperament profile, it's is definitely a great place to start understanding yourself and your significant other in a deeper manner. 

The Jeweler's Shop by Karol Wojtyla: Not to be dramatic, but this is, hands down, my favorite piece of literature of all time. I first saw this play performed during my sophomore year in college and have read it at least five times since. I even wrote a paper on it in graduate school! The future JPII's play focuses on three different couples, all at different stages of their relationships. I can't recommend it enough! 

Three to Get Married by Fulton Sheen: This was also a very formative book for Hunter and me. Fulton Sheen taught at our alma mater, Catholic University, and was a brilliant priest. He talks about the ins-and-outs of marriage in a down to earth way while still communicating the mystery of the sacrament. 

Amoris Laetitia by Pope Francis: Hunter and I are currently reading this encyclical with our marriage mentors. After reading just the first chapter, I was completely blown away. The Pope definitely gathers the wisdom of the Church while also discussing the hardships and challenges that couples and families encounter as they live and breathe their vocation.  

Theology of the Body Institute: I haven't attended a course at the TOB Institute yet but I've had several friends attend and they have raved about it.

Through the Bible and Catholic tradition, Theology of the Body explains that our bodies reveal the deepest mysteries of God and humanity. 

Wherever you are in your faith journey, the Theology of the Body Institute is an awesome way for you and your fiancé to grow in your understanding of God's design for your marriage. 

Called to Love by Carl Anderson: I read this book while attending the John Paul II Institute, and it's incredible. If you don't have the means to attend the Theology of the Body Institute, I highly recommend Called to Love as a great alternative. Carl Anderson is the Supreme Knight of Columbus and makes St. Pope John Paul II's teaching on Theology of the Body applicable and accessible. 

By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride by Alice von Hildebrand: This book has made me feel much less alone during my engagement! The format is an older Alice writing to a new bride, Lily. Lily pours out her heart to Alice about newly married life. Lily's problems, fears and excitement are relatable, Alice's words refreshing and encouraging. 

Beloved by the Augustine Institute: Beloved is a 12-week DVD and study guide series for engaged or married couples. This is a great resource for education if you are your fiancé are looking to go a bit further in preparing for marriage or improving your relationship. Although Hunter and I haven't gone through the program personally, it's come highly recommended by several friends. It looks incredible and I'd love us to go through it eventually. 

The Little Oratory By Leila Lawler: One of my favorite books that I've read during marriage preparation! Leila is the mother of a college classmate and runs the successful blog Like Mother, Like Daughter. In The Little Oratory, Leila discusses how families can incorporate liturgical living into their everyday lives through prayer and intentional living. There are also beautiful icon images included with the book that make for a beautiful beginning to your own oratory. 

I'd love to hear your additions to this list! What are your favorite resources for marriage preparation? Share them in the comments below!

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About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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