Trusting God with your Family Planning When Physical Intimacy is a Challenge

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MARISOL B.

 

Going through marriage preparation, we were required to attend an NFP class. Both of us already had great awareness around the formative and scientific aspects of Natural Family Planning, as well as the bioethics involved. We made a plan for how we envisioned our first year of marriage, and we initially agreed that while open to life, we would wait about a year before planning to grow our future family from a duo to a trio.

However, one day, my fiancé shared that during one of his weekly Encounters (a meeting where a group of men share a Gospel reflection and review life cases in light of our current culture, virtues and vices and Gospel passages – followed by spiritual and apostolic action), he felt called to pray for a honeymoon baby.

After this conversation, we decided to plan our family around that little prayer and continued to prepare for the Sacrament.

Fast-forward to our trip together after the wedding day and we discovered a major plot twist. As we found ourselves unable to physically consummate our marriage during our time away, we went back to our new home a little bit deflated and in search for answers.

After multiple OBGYN visits and a couple of failed procedures, I was finally given a diagnosis and I began a journey into recovery. 

I struggle with involuntary floor muscle spasms and I have found throughout the years that there is increased awareness around the topic and about the many women who suffer from inability to achieve penetration or experience painful intercourse.

It may feel like a lonely road at first; however, there are more widely available resources and tools to help with multiple pelvic floor conditions (either primary or secondary cases); including Physical Therapy, dilation practice, etc.

Related: Turning to the Eucharist When Physical Intimacy is Complicated

While NFP has not been utilized by us to avoid pregnancy during the thirteen years of our marriage (because of our inability to have intercourse in the first place), I have found the practice to be very helpful and a wealth of knowledge about my own body and the ways in which I can achieve healthy periods, ovulation and sustained energy throughout the years.

I have been able to notice changes in my body which I can easily modify with diet and lifestyle practices which support healthy female function. And we await the moment in which I make good enough progress in my journey to achieve consummation and hopefully pregnancy.

Read more: Benefits of Charting Beyond the Bedroom

Last year, during the pandemic, we unexpectedly received an invitation to host the image of Our Lady Undoer of Knots and each of the people that had prayed in front of this beautiful image before us, had added a prayer intention written on a piece of white ribbon.

After the novena was finished, we thought about what we would write as a prayer petition on our little white strand and the request was made for a ‘honeymoon baby’ which only God knows how, when and whether to grant. 

It is never too late to fulfill a resolution made back in 2007. After all, during the wedding at Cana the Choice Wine, produced by the miraculous hand of Jesus was served towards the later part of the celebration.

We faithfully await the moment when two may become one, and by God’s grace, a family of three or more.

About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment, building a life of purpose and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

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Words Become Flesh: Speaking in a Way Worthy of our Vows

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MARISOL B.

 

So many graces have been poured upon us, from the words exchanged during the Sacrament of Marriage, and we carry out their meaning in our day to day life.

From the moment the sun rises to its setting, we have the opportunity to give purpose to our daily conversations and hold them against the promises exchanged.

The question is, how intentional are we with our daily words? We might speak words of love and encouragement, or defeat and disapproval. We may speak words which build and restore, or words which crumble and discourage.

I remember a specific moment in my first year of marriage when my husband and I were having a conversation about household duties. As I was cleaning a coffee table, I was given unwelcome directives on how the task needed to be accomplished.

As my husband continued to correct my methods, I was filled with pride and resentment. I stopped the activity and went to the bedroom of our small apartment and closed the door without saying much. I probably shut the door a little louder than usual to “make my point.” I was filled with self-contempt, and as I sat by our bed, my eyes caught sight of a book I had close by.

It was Venerable Fulton Sheen's Three to Get Married, and as I picked it up and opened it randomly, I was met with following words: “In history the only causes that die are those for which men refuse to die.”

I knew marriage to be a worthy cause and I realized right away that my prideful disposition needed to take a break. I decided to write a note to my husband; one that surrendered and expressed something along the lines of: "I realize our cleaning methods might defer, and I am open to learning better ways."

My pride probably had a quick reappearance and made a mental note that in reality my cleaning method was better than my husband's, and that he was being unreasonable; yet, at the same time I was humbled and determined to die to self.

I opened the bedroom door and found he had fallen asleep on the couch, so I placed the note in front of him and began working on other activities.

Once he woke up and read the note, he came running towards the room and hugged me, asking me to forgive him for being so petty. We were gifted with a moment of great humility and connection.

Related: The Art of the Apology

How many moments of similar nature are part of our daily life and how do our words (whether written or spoken) communicate goodness, truth and beauty?

I find particular strength to fulfill this call, by starting my day filled with the Word of God in Scripture; through Mass or a daily devotional. It feeds me and prompts me to remain centered in Christ and on His great love for all of us and through all of us. It helps me to speak words which bring life to others; especially my husband.

I take an honest thought inventory and examine my self-image, to ensure that I am not speaking words out of fear or insecurity. To ensure that my words come from a deep sense of love and belonging.

We hold in our own hands, a constant invitation to make love incarnate, through our thoughts, words and actions. Are we listening?

About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment, building a life of purpose and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

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Unconditional Commitment

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MARISOL B.

 

Dear bride, you said yes.

You have decided to build a home; to build a family with a man you deeply love and admire.

You have begun a noble journey; a worthwhile journey. One that may be filled with great joy, and great triumph. And one that may at times appear long and leave you feeling weary.

You and your husband-to-be gave your yes. The sacrament depends on your free decision and it will continue through your constant and wholehearted commitment. You have become a reflection of Christ’s relationship to his Church and that mystery will be filled with abundant grace, growth, opportunity for self-giving. And at times, moments of great setback.

Success in marriage is a decision. A series of constant decisional pivot points as various scenarios arise. It is not a series of perfect circumstances--since the perfect set of situations rarely present themselves and we cannot depend on those to start doing the things we are called to do, to get us to where we want to get in our life and marriage. Our call to sanctity.

Sometimes we will inevitably wonder whether we made the ‘right choice’, yet instead of wondering whether we have made one right decision, we are called to make a series of constant decisions, and bring those decisions to light--in order to fill them with goodness, truth and beauty.

This is all dependent on our attitude. An attitude that doubts, will say I am not sure, and will therefore ask the question: Should I?

An attitude of decision will say, I am in for life. I am fully committed and will instead ask the question: How will I? And once we start asking how, our creativity engages and the possibilities for growth and life-giving choices begin to be made visible.

“There is always a way, if you are committed.” I found these words inside a fortune cookie after eating Chinese takeout during a recent busy day.

I felt depleted at work and it bled over to my marriage. I posted the little piece of paper on my computer screen to remind me to keep moving forward. I had transitioned into a new role, right when the pandemic hit and altogether, it bred a lot of doubt. I began to experience Imposter Syndrome and wasn’t able to contribute at my best.

As the year continued, I decided to move forward, instead of doubting whether I had made the right career choice. I opted for resilience, innovation and focus. I committed wholeheartedly, and by the end of the year, the fruits of these efforts were made fully visible.

This same principle has worked in our marriage and our constant decision to renew our commitment as the years and seasons go by. It is an act of the will and self-discipline, accompanied by great love for one another and the abundance of grace in our life.

In marriage and in life, success is not a matter of circumstance. It is a matter of choice.

Finding new circumstances won’t make you successful, but making new choices can.

Attitude is simply the way we choose to see a set of circumstances, and when we continuously commit--when we continuously strive for life-giving choices, we can experience a richness in our marriage that is beyond words.

God’s grace is abundant in every sacrament, and we must decide to reach for his grace willingly--one day and season at a time.

Because the truth is, very few hardships in marriage are without a solution. Most relationship setbacks can be overcome with a sense of renewed commitment and the ability to pivot and recalibrate. It is a matter of the right balance between prayer and action (ora et labora).

Dear bride, your yes is fully given. Gifts come in mysterious ways! As you journey together, don’t give up on the call of this sacrament. Doubt doesn’t stand a chance.

About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment, building a life of purpose and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

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The Ideal Gift

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MARISOL B.

 

This has been one of those years that invites us to deep reflection on what we may consider ideal for ourselves and our life. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: KASSONDRA PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: KASSONDRA PHOTOGRAPHY

At the stroke of midnight on the first day of 2020, we likely pictured the perfect set of circumstances, making this year “the one.” The one where I finally meet my future husband, plan my ideal wedding, travel to a faraway destination, or any other ideal gift matching the deepest desire of our heart.

“Everything is gift,” Saint Therese of Lisieux wrote in her autobiography, and this year was not the exception. 

I got married in October 2007 and every anniversary thereafter, I reflect on the many experiences of our marriage - so beautiful and profound, and challenging in ways we never quite imagined.

Much like, 2020 – our marriage has taught us to receive the many gifts that are presented to us as ideal, despite their initial appearance. 

We are well aware that anything that is allowed into existence has the potential for goodness, truth and beauty – therefore, we have embraced each set of circumstances and resolved to make something truly fruitful out of it all.

An impossible request

Several years ago, I heard of the Walk of the Incarnation, a Novena for Impossible Requests-- a 9-month long prayer which begins on the Feast of the Annunciation and ends on Christmas Day. 

I prayed it fervently each night; entrusting very special requests that would help our marriage continue to grow and thrive.

God is still working on the timing for those very specific requests, and this year proved to be one of great hope. 

At the beginning of the pandemic (namely on the Feast of the Annunciation), my husband and I fully stopped to evaluate our marriage and the ways in which we might have stopped being a mutual gift – encumbered by daily distractions. In the middle of added uncertainty, we pondered what could be the most generous call for us, during this season of life.

Throughout this period, we have grown closer and renewed our conviction for one another, as we remember the God-given mission each of us has received.

I will say; however, that what has made the most impact in our marriage throughout the years, is the decision for a constant prayer life and true intimacy with Christ; both as a couple and as individuals.

Walking with Mary

It is when I am at my best as a woman, that my marriage thrives. My whole household flourishes, and the fruits get to become abundant enough to share with others around us. This is why, walking alongside Mary, fully aware of Jesus’ presence – has been the most profound reflection to be had during this time.

For nine months after the Annunciation, Mary got to ponder and experience Christ’s presence within her, as the tabernacle. She allowed her body to become a perfect little dwelling for Him, who would become the Temple; the one to be destroyed and restored within three days.

Walking alongside Our Blessed Mother, during this time of pandemic; has prepared my soul for the birth of Our Lord. It has reminded me that in the measure that I become the “ideal woman” all the gifts bestowed upon us in our life and marriage, also become ideal.

I am learning to dream big and bold; to envision the great possibilities for our family and to cooperate in their co-creation by remembering my dignity and identity in God, and the unique ability and mission given to me from birth. I am learning to take the practical steps to turn those dreams into goals and concrete action. I am learning to better cooperate with the Divine, by becoming a better earthen vessel which carries the treasure of abundant life within.

I invite you to dream big, and to receive wholeheartedly the greatest gift of all, the one of God’s presence in our midst; regardless of circumstances.

About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment, building a life of purpose and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

The Sophia Series | Marisol

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We invite our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.

Photography: Laura Kay Photography

Photography: Laura Kay Photography

My husband and I met providentially while hanging out with a mutual friend. We made a deep connection from the beginning, and I remember thinking that he brought out the best in me. I felt right at home. We got engaged after a courtship of over five years and have been married for the last 10 years.

On my wedding day, I remember a prayer after communion where I fully understood how much God loved my husband and how he uses instruments--especially those closest to us--to express that love. I understood that for my husband, I would be either a vessel or an obstacle to that love in the years to come. I prayed I would be the former.

The biggest obstacle to our marriage was discovered during our honeymoon. We had waited until that moment for physical intimacy. However, we were unable to have intercourse. Once we returned from our trip, I sought medical advice and after much research, I discovered I had issues with my pelvic floor muscles. Involuntary spasms have kept me, to this day, unable to consummate the marriage.

This has been a very big cross to bear and has created many moments of pain; however, it has also allowed the both of us great lessons and growth.

I am in awe at the fact that our marriage remains faithful after 10 years. Many times, couples have a harder time discerning whether to separate, based on factors such as children or the unlikely option of annulment. In our case neither of those factors exist, as our marriage is, to date, not physically consummated. It is beautiful to know it is our free will that keeps us in union and in constant yes for this sacrament.

I remember feeling inadequate, like a failure as a wife, due to my medical problem. I have learned self-love and self-compassion, which in turn allow me to be ever more loving and compassionate towards others.

Intimacy brings couples together at many levels, including physically, neurologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Since my husband and I do not have this great perk, we have learned to go from me to we in other ways. One of them is through each other’s love languages. His is acts of service, while mine is quality time. It is amazing how a concept so simple is so easily forgotten. Here is a recent example:

This past weekend was spent at home after my husband underwent a procedure requiring him to stay indoors for two days, which is unusual for us and for his sanguine temperament.

Imagine a total extrovert and a bit of a perfectionist trapped indoors during the weekend. We came to a moment where every area of the kitchen was in disarray. We had finished dinner and were in the middle of watching a movie. My husband paused the movie to feed our pet rabbit and in that moment, I thought it would be appropriate to come up with something to celebrate  St. Patrick's Day.

I pulled out a bottle of Irish cream and made some coffee. I could already taste the goodness. My cup and saucer were perfectly set next to a glass of Irish cream over ice, ready for the perfect Instagram Story.

As my husband came back downstairs, he began remarking on the dirty dishes, the stove splattered with olive oil, and groceries that needed to go in the pantry.

I could not believe he was ruining our ‘Irish’ little moment for this! I took offense and began feeling quite resentful. Remember that my love language is quality time--we were speaking it fluently until this moment of pause.

Things shifted to all the unfinished cleaning and suddenly, as I reluctantly washed dishes, I considered my husband's love language: acts of service.

Wasn't the dinner enough? Wasn't the glass of Irish cream over ice the cherry on top? Why couldn't we just continue watching the movie?

I realized I’d encountered a perfect opportunity to love. My resentment turned into determination to clean that kitchen and clean it well.

An hour went by and I could tell my husband felt guilty. He kept helping out and even started vacuuming in some random area of the house. He set the empty coffee cup on the table as if to signal it was waiting.

Part of me wanted to continue speaking his love language and serving. Yet my pride also kicked in, and I didn’t feel like jumping back into the movie and coffee. I could get over the interruption.

I considered the possibility of finishing the dishes and going upstairs to take a bath. My pride did not want to receive quality time after I was done with the effort of loving. I wanted to jump right into self-care--not the generous kind,but the kind that would give a clear message of how annoyed I still was, deep within.

As I moved on to cleaning the stove, my husband said it could wait. I was determined to finish and was reluctant to go back to that cup of coffee (I was still in full pride mode!).

My husband invited me to finish the movie. As much as my ego wanted me to run upstairs, I accepted. We had a good rest of the evening, and I knew that pause had been well spent.

The next morning, we attended a birthday brunch. We enjoyed time with friends, and afterward my husband made plans for us to spend the afternoon together. We went shopping, to the museum, walked around, ate hot dogs, and went to my favorite evening Mass, followed by a coffee shop.

My husband spoke so much of my own love language that weekend, and I can only say you can never outdo God in generosity.

I am not sure whether all these words would be enough to tell all the stories of our marriage. But I can say I have learned how to persevere through thick and thin and to focus on what matters, one day at a time. I have learned to be fully present to God, to myself, and my vocation.

I wish I could say there was a 'happily ever after' kind of ending to this story. The reality is that we continue to work with the big elephant in the room--our obstacles to intimacy--tackling it one bite at a time and never ceasing to gaze at the eternal.

Our vocation has gifted us with innumerable lessons and joys. I cannot wait to learn what other chapters God has in store for us!

In the past, I remember praying for a holy family. One year into my marriage, while looking at an image of the Holy Family, I realized that they do not represent the husband, the wife and their child. Mary, Joseph and Jesus represented the husband and wife, with Christ at the center. I realized at that moment, this is the one thing we need for a holy family.

We have many images from our wedding day; however, one of my favorites is the one where we are having a pillow fight. Our reception was at a hotel, with our suite nearby, so our photographer suggested an impromptu series in there. When I look at these photos, I cannot help but wonder at how the bedroom happens to be the place where our biggest struggle would take place. Just like that friendly pillow fight, we keep fighting in unison each day: to do God’s will and learn the art of love and communion ever more perfectly.

Marisol’s words of wisdom for brides:

Make room for the unimaginable. Each marriage holds a unique story. Let the Master author write the greatest lines.

Keep Christ at the center.

Marriage is the only sacrament not imparted by a priest. Husband and wife say yes to one another on their wedding  day, and they hold the power to say that same yes to one another on a daily basis.

About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM