Beth + Nick | Ethical Fair Trade Wedding

The date is set, church arrangements have been made, and you are about begin deciding the particulars of your wedding with your fiancé. While taking steps to make it a truly Catholic ceremony, consider using the occasion not only to serve your guests, but a larger community of people in need.

Beth and Nick’s inspirational nuptials proves that a Catholic wedding can be beautiful, ethical, and respect the dignity of the human person through every step of the planning process.

Discover how they combined both the sacramental beauty of their wedding day with their passion for Catholic social teaching.

From the Photographer (An Endless Pursuit): “We knew when we got engaged that we wanted to live out our faith in a really special way. Not only did we want a Catholic ceremony, but we wanted to choose vendors and services that were ethical and/or local, when possible,” said the bride.

It is no surprise that Beth and Nick would plan their wedding to reflect their passion for Catholic social teaching. Serving the community and supporting those in need has always been a priority for this couple. Committed to living the faith through helping the poor and disadvantaged, both bride and groom held roles in homeless and prison ministries even before they met and were engaged.

Beth is co-founder and current co-director of the The StarFish Foundation, which provides education and support services for at-risk youth in Guayaquil, Ecuador.

“We realized that we would feel a little better about spending so much money on various wedding costs if we could feel confident that the people who made our items and delivered our services were paid and treated fairly,” she explained.

After quite a bit of research, the couple was able to find companies and vendors that fed their zeal for social justice with missions that stressed the dignity of the human person. The bridesmaids’ dresses and the mother of the bride’s dress were all made by Mata Traders, a company that partners with fair trade organizations in India and Nepal.

“The Mata Traders team worked with everyone’s sizes and my color preferences to recommend different options for dresses, helping me to determine quantities, availability and more,” Beth said. As for her own dress, the bride chose to work with bridal dress shop Celia Grace and was able to know exactly who made her dress: a father of four living in India. The Celia Grace team also helped Nick to find ties for himself, his groomsmen, and the father of the bride through their network of ethical fair trade vendors.

Beth and her bridesmaids were covered in fair trade goodness from head to toe. The bride, mother of the bride, and bridesmaids all sported Rothy’s: comfortable, classy shoes made from recycled water bottles. “If you’re not familiar with Rothy’s, you should be! I literally wear mine everyday—to work, on hikes, out with friends—everywhere” Beth gushed.

The couple chose their rings from Brilliant Earth and Aide-mémoire Jewelry. “When it comes to jewelry, taking an ethical path was so important. Many diamonds are made in conflict zones in Africa,” said Beth. “Having worked on many social justice issues over the years as a way to live my Catholic faith, I knew that [a traditional diamond] wasn’t an option.”

Beth also gifted her bridesmaids with jewelry steeped in meaning from The Starfish Project. The jewelry designer is changing lives of exploited women by educating and training them in sustainable, positive careers. Likewise, before the ceremony, Nick gifted Beth with a beautiful bracelet from Purpose Jewelry, an organization that gives hope to women who have been subjected to human trafficking.

Beth and Nick also made sure to shop local for many of their vendors as a way to support the Baltimore community they love. Their cupcakes were made by Flavor Cupcakery, which Beth encountered in one her many service roles.

“Years ago, when I worked at a homeless shelter in Baltimore, the owner reached out and offered to bring enough cupcakes for all 500 residents the day before Christmas Eve. It was such a special experience. We knew we wanted to support this local business on our wedding day.”

Local Color Flowers is a florist in Baltimore that sources local and seasonal flowers and gives their clients a unique experience. They guarantee the color and style of your flowers, but the exact type will be a surprise on your wedding day. “The team guided us in the process, learning all about our wedding so they could select flowers that really fit our personality and the vision of the wedding,” Beth said. “They did a fantastic job, and the surprise element was really fun for us.” As a bonus, the centerpieces provided were herbs that guests could take home and cultivate.

Beth and Nick’s wedding is a witness of how the love between two people can expand to love of their fellow man. Using your wedding budget to support ethical treatment of workers and honest business practices is something to consider. It elevates the worth of those who are working to ensure your wedding day is nothing less than incredible.

“Overall, we wanted to ensure our guests had a great time, but we hope they also shared in the joy of supporting ethical, local, and fair trade organizations,” said the bride.

Beth and Nick’s passion for upholding the dignity of the human person has made me wonder if ethical and fair trade weddings should be more of a trend in the world of Catholic nuptials.

They hope to inspire brides to consider where they source their decorations and vendors, because even a wedding budget can affect change in the lives of so many people.

Photography: An Endless Pursuit | Videography: Laurentina Photo & Video | Church: Catholic Community of South Baltimore | Wedding Reception Venue : Rusty Scupper | Day of Coordination: Kaitlyn Harrison, coordinationco.com | | DJ: Kevin Remaley, Rockin' Remaley, rockinremaley.com | Hair & Makeup: Down the Aisle in Style, baltimoreweddinghair.com | Flowers: Local Color Flowers, locoflo.com | Cupcakes: Flavor Cupcakery, flavorcupcakery.com | Bride's Dress: Celia Grace, celia-grace.com
Bridesmaid's Dresses: Mata Traders, matatraders.com | Bridemaid's Jewelry: The Starfish Project, thestarfishproject.com
Bride's Gift from Groom: Purpose Jewelry, purposejewelry.org | Bridal Party Shoes: Rothy's, rothys.com | Rings: Brilliant Earth, brilliantearth.com, Aide-memoire Jewelry, aidememoirejewelry.com

Increase the Quality in 'Quality Time'

STEPHANIE FRIES

When my husband and I catch up with old friends, we are quick to ask, “what show are you watching?” We often enjoy relaxing together in the evenings throughout the work week by watching a season (or more) on Netflix or Amazon Prime. After recently finishing a gripping series, we habitually returned to our designated spots on the couch, but found ourselves at a standstill.

I hope my husband and I are not alone in the dull experience of spending more time scrolling through a streaming platform than actually watching a show. In an effort to increase the quality in the valuable time we spend together, I offer suggestions to stay on the couch—without turning on the TV. We hope you will share your own ideas for high-quality time with our community on Facebook or Instagram.

A recent post offers additional inspiration and encouragement to Reduce Screen Time in your Marriage.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MEL WATSON PHOTOGRAPHY

Read a book

Rather than deciding on a show to watch together, consider deciding on a book that sparks both your interests. You and your beloved may enjoy having an intentional dialogue at the end of each chapter, or perhaps you prefer to sit side-by-side and silently read for pleasure. Even more, you may prefer to read completely different books. The primary intention is to share an experience in the quiet joy of companionship.

Plan a dream vacation

Where would you go? What would you do? What would you eat? Even if you don’t anticipate the possibility of making this imagination vacation a reality, creating a dream together builds communication, collaboration, enthusiasm, and shared goals. But hold onto your plan--you never know when the opportunity for travel will present itself in the future.

Look up new recipes

...Then set a date and plan to make the recipes for a stay-at-home date night. It can be overwhelming for one person to plan a romantic menu, find recipes, purchase and prepare ingredients, and set a full meal on the table. Sharing the process, responsibilities, and experience provides quality time with each step. Bon appetit!

Complete a personality test

If the last time you took a specific personality test was before you were married, have any of the results changed? Do your personality test results compliment each other in surprising ways? Snuggle up on the couch, independently complete the questionnaires and review the analysis together; the results may offer a new insight about your spouse, or a different perspective to understand their unique quirks.

Use an interior design template to brainstorm your ideal home or room decor

There are a number of DIY interior design books on the market, and many of them include a blank worksheet to help organize the ideas in your brain into a two-dimensional vision on paper. If there is a room in your home that needs some renovating, make time to create a plan and prepare the next steps. Beginning the brainstorming process in a relaxed setting can provide a calm environment to discuss potentially conflicting ideas. If your home is already decorated or the budget is too tight for renovations, have some fun creating a far-fetched dream room. Would it be a game room, at-home gym, or movie theater? Maybe the far-fetched dream is to update a pre-existing room with luxurious features and decor. Dream big while you use your creative imaginations together.

Focus on spiritual intimacy

Journey together through a devotional designed for couples, and follow the given prompts for each day or week. Pray a rosary, chaplet, or novena. Work together to memorize a new prayer—with one spouse looking at the words and the other spouse practicing from memory. Read and reflect together on the Scripture for the upcoming Sunday’s Mass. Although daily Mass and adoration are beautiful, sacred experiences to share with your spouse, Christ dwells in your home—even with you on the couch—and yearns to be an active participant in your domestic life.

Travel through time

Ask your families to share old photo albums or home videos with you. If you and your spouse were not friends during the childhood years, get to know the child who grew up to marry you. Videos reveal the sweet voice of their younger years. Pictures are a provocation for stories, faded memories, and old relationships. In what ways do you see your spouse’s inner child still alive today?

Muster up new energy

Dare I suggest you break routine, get off the couch, and do something different? My husband and I live walking distance from a bowling alley; it has quickly become our favorite place to get some pizza and hang out on a weeknight. Find a swing set and push each other so high the posts start to rock. Go on a walk around the neighborhood. Stuff your purse with snacks and visit the nearby movie theater. Invite a friend or another couple over for dinner.

Taking time to relax, prioritizing your friendship, and enjoying little pleasures together in this season of life—before your evenings are potentially filled with children’s bedtime routines—helps establish a foundation for a strong, resilient marriage.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. Stephanie’s perfect day would consist of a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Vendor Spotlight | Emma Dallman Photography

When speaking of her experiences with either professional photography or her Catholic faith formation, Emma Dallman uses words like “marvel,” and “magic.” Her personal reflections glorify the many divine ways God works in and through this Philadelphia-based wedding photographer as she engages with couples, captures life through the lens of her camera, and pursues each day with trusting humility.

As an eight-year-old, Emma remembers snapping through an entire roll of film during the “Shamu Show” at Sea World. The memory stands as a moment she experienced the wonder of photography, which remained a hobby and side-hustle for years. By 2016, she entered more deeply into her desires and began pursuing photography as a business.

Concurrent with a growing professional career, Emma grew in her understanding of the mystery of the human person through Saint John Paul II’s teachings on Theology of the Body. She reflects, “The Theology of the Body has played a crucial role in both my faith formation and in my love for photography. I’m endlessly fascinated by the uniqueness and the beauty of every person I photograph.”

While witnessing living beauty is a gift of her career, Emma’s goal in shooting a wedding is to create art which memorializes every tiny, beautiful detail of each unique wedding day. Meanwhile, her own approach in relation with couples is organic yet thorough. Such intention engages the “magic of photography,” as shown in her rich, authentic, and emotion-driven photographs.

From Emma:

I view it as a privilege to be invited into someone’s “inner circle” on their wedding day.  There are so many emotional, joy-filled, imperfect, and sometimes crazy moments you get to witness as a photographer, and those are the moments that make someone’s day unique and memorable.

Additionally, I love to capture the beauty of a wedding Mass. I have to laugh when I hear some photographers bemoan the “church wedding” as boring, because from my perspective, nothing could be more dramatic, mysterious or beautiful. Couples who share that idea tend to be drawn to my work.

Married love means thinking of yourself second. It's always asking yourself, "How can I help my spouse?" It's evaluating whether aspects of your life are good for them or not. Ultimately, it’s helping the other person get to heaven. Photographing a couple as they enter into the sacrament of marriage always reminds me of the blessing of my own Catholic marriage, and encourages me to go home and love my husband a little better.

PHOTOGRAPHY: EMMA DALLMAN PHOTOGRAPHY

Some of Emma’s favorites:

Books: Discerning the Will of God (Fr. Timothy Gallagher), Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card), The End of the Affair (Graham Greene)

Music: Sufjan Stevens, Jenny Lewis, The Black Keys, Bright Eyes

Movies: Far and Away (classic Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman!), Star Wars, Almost Famous

Saints and Devotions: St. Catherine of Siena and St. Therese of Lisieux; my husband and I have a big devotion to Our Lady, Undoer of Knots—she was crucial in our discernment of marriage—and of the Ignatian method of discernment

Place in the world: Yosemite Valley in California. My family and I camped there every summer while I was growing up, so in my mind it’s equal parts nostalgic and majestic.

Foods: Mexican. All day, every day!

EMMA DALLMAN PHOTOGRAPHY: WEBSITE | FACEBOOK | INSTAGRAM | PINTEREST

10 Products for Radiant Wedding-Day Makeup

NICOLE CARUSO

To me, makeup is an accessory. It highlights the God-given beauty of each face, and each of us have different features that we love to “dress up”, whether that be our skin, eyes, brows, or smile. That is why I have loved teaching women how to apply natural-looking makeup for over a decade as a makeup artist and beauty consultant. Though some use makeup as a way to mask or change their features, there are a few techniques and products that enhance rather than hide. A few minute check-in in the mirror before starting the day can boost self-confidence, even if it’s just a little mascara, concealer, and lipstick.

Makeup for special events isn’t the same as makeup for everyday. There are a few tricks and types of products that ensure it will last from morning to night, and even look flawless in photos.

I have a list of 10 tips to use to make your makeup look professionally done, even if you do it yourself.

Clean skin makes an even canvas.

Before applying your makeup, use a cotton pad to wipe a micellar water (something without alcohol) over your bare skin. This will remove any residue from soap and leftover makeup to make your skin look much more even and bright.

Always moisturize!

Moisturizer is a necessary part of getting foundation to look most like skin, and not like a mask of color. Test a few before your wedding day to see which one looks best under your foundation. If it balls up as your foundation goes on, it could be too heavy--something to save for a nighttime regime.

On the other hand, if your foundation goes on looking chalky, your moisturizer isn’t doing its job to plump the skin. Supple, hydrated skin allows the makeup to look most natural. Allow your moisturizer to set for a few minutes before the next step.

Primer is the glue.

If you struggle with getting your complexion products to last all day, you probably need a primer. Primer creates a barrier between moisturizer and foundation. It smoothes uneven texture and has an almost magnetic effect on foundation, allowing it to last an entire day without caking, creasing, or rubbing off.

 Liquid foundation, not powder.

One mistake I often see in bridal and special event makeup is the use of too much powder. Mineral powder and powder-based foundations are excellent for day to day use, though they look best on oily skin types because they mattify naturally. Liquid foundation slides onto a primed, moisturized face and blends effortlessly into skin. It is the most forgiving formula to use, especially when you apply it in the middle of the face first and blend outwards as you go. Always match foundation to your jawline so it blends seamlessly.

Matte bronzer adds warmth, not shimmer.

For photography, it’s important to keep products with shimmer or iridescence on the eyes, lips, or cheekbones so it catches light in the right way. I always recommend a matte bronzer because it warms up the skin gently, and doesn’t make the face look like a disco ball in photos.

Warmth needs to be added back into the skin after applying foundation to bring natural dimension back to the face. I like to apply it with a fluffy brush to the hairline, tops of the cheeks sweeping toward the ear, and lightly on the bridge of the nose. It ends up looking sun-kissed and glowy without sparkle.

Finely-milled setting powder prevents shine.

A finely-milled setting powder is absolutely key for setting makeup, preventing oil patches, and locking all your hard work in. Look for powders that say triple-milled, and apply them with a small fluffy brush in a patting motion. A cheaper powder that is not triple-milled will immediately look heavy, as if it is sitting on top of the skin, similar to the texture of chalk. And finally, if you rub the powder brush over the skin rather than tap it gently, you risk pushing the products around, which may result in the makeup looking patchy, creating discoloration and unevenness.

Create a base for eyeshadow with longwear products.

A longwear base, whether a cream shadow or eyelid primer, works the same way as a face primer. It gives eyeshadow something to cling to and prevents creasing. If you apply primer, then shadow, then liner, and waterproof mascara, your eye look will last all day.

Tame the brows.

Whether your brows are full or thin, brow gel is going to set the hairs in place and add texture to make them look 3D, rather than flat or painted-on. I like to backcomb the brows, rubbing the application brush from tail toward the nose, and then brush the hairs up to frame the face and lift the eyes.

Some of these products can flake after a few hours, so be sure to test a few before your big day.

Skip glossy and super matte lips.

Look for a lip product with a satin finish, meaning it is comfortable to wear, but gives an opaque color to the lips, and shouldn’t transfer heavily onto anyone you kiss. This kind of lip is perfect for photographing both indoors and outdoors, because it has just a hint of shine and won’t crack or dry the lips out.

 Waterproof mascara is a must.

Rather than risking a black smudge across your face--which can easily happen from tears, humidity, or rain--use a waterproof formula that won’t flake or run. From drugstore to department store, many brands make reputable waterproof formulas, but once again, give them a go before the big day. Maybe even watch your favorite tear-jerker movie as a test.

 Whether you’re a beauty junkie or are trying this on your own for the first time, these products will help you get the best result. Think of your makeup as an accessory, just like a beautiful shoe or necklace, and let it enhance--not overshadow--your natural beauty.

Images by Meaghan Clare Photography, seen in How to Do Your Own Bridal Makeup | Video Tutorial

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About the Author: Nicole M. Caruso is a wife, mother, makeup artist, and writer. She believes her mission is to inspire women to invest in their self-worth. Formerly the Beauty Editor of Verily Magazine, Nicole now shares her expert style and beauty advice, tips on healthy living, and reflections on marriage and motherhood on her website. The New York native now resides in Washington, D.C. with her husband, son, and daughter.

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Emily + Nathan | Rainy Day Marian Wedding

“In the end, beauty triumphed.”

Emily’s words echo back from her wedding day throughout her courtship, dating relationship, and friendship with Nathan.

From the very beginning, Emily and Nathan kept Beauty himself at the center of their relationship. Their trust in God and peaceful, intentional discernment eventually led to a garden proposal--which included a beautiful rosary as an engagement gift and a ring pop.

But perhaps the most inspiring part of Emily and Nathan’s story is their confident, consistent awareness of the Lord’s presence in even the smallest details of their wedding day. And not just his presence, but also the joyful presence of his loving mother, the Blessed Virgin.  

From the Groom: Emily and I met through church in college and became part of the same group of friends, but we didn’t get to know each other very well at first. Not until we landed full-time jobs in the same city after graduating in 2016. Both of us were coming out of some broken relationships and were looking to “find ourselves” out in the real world.

From the Bride: Shortly after graduation, I started attending a young adult small group through my parish and invited Nathan to join as well. Seeing each other at these weekly meetings helped us learn more about each other and become closer friends.

Nathan: That fall, we went with a group of friends to a Catholic dating seminar. The speaker, John Antonio, was a former seminarian who presented a more intentional approach to relationships. It was similar to the progressive stages of increasing commitment he made while in seminary. Dating Emily wasn’t on my radar at the time, but we received the same mental framework for dating that would help guide us later on.

Emily: My relationship tumult continued, and I was confused by my strong interest in several guys, including Nathan. I wanted my next relationship to be different. It needed to be different. So I prayed more fervently and made a stronger, more conscious effort to entrust my relationship decisions to God.

Soon afterwards, I prayed the 30 day novena to St. Joseph with the intention that I would meet my future husband sometime during the year. We didn’t have to get married that year, but I wanted to know who. The whole idea was a longshot, but this was a good opportunity to practice trusting in God more fully. And St. Joseph is not known for letting people down!

Nathan: I had my first inkling that I might end up with Emily in September 2016, but life circumstances at the time prevented our relationship from blossoming. In January 2017, I signed up for a Catholic young adult volleyball league and sent a message out to recruit teammates. It sounded fun, but in the back of my head I knew that my parents met in a young adult volleyball league, and I was hoping I’d find somebody there too.

Emily was the only one to accept my invitation. Over the next couple months, I became more certain that I should take a chance with her.

Emily: About a week after I completed my novena, Nathan approached me and said he’d like to talk to me about “some stuff” soon and then walked away. I freaked out a little. So after our small group meeting the next day, I pulled him aside to ask what “stuff” was.

Turns out we had been thinking about each other quite a lot. Wanting to set a more intentional course, we agreed on a “mutual discernment period” that ran through the end of the volleyball season to see if our friendship would blossom into something more.

Nathan: Things progressed nicely over those two and a half months, so while on a date in June 2017—after a strange sequence of events that led to hiking along a mosquito-infested pond behind a grocery store—we decided to make it official. As boyfriend and girlfriend, we wanted to “step it up” and set a more lasting spiritual foundation for our relationship.

Emily and I started some spiritual traditions together: Mass, weekly adoration, and nightly prayer. We grew to love God and each other more in the process, and it didn’t take us long to realize we wanted this relationship to continue for the rest of our lives.

Emily: On October 7, 2017, I met Nathan early in the morning in our church’s rosary garden. I had a feeling that day would be “the day,” but I tried to quiet my heart and focus on praying with him. After finishing our rosary, we stopped in front of the statue of Our Lady, and Nathan proposed.

But he didn’t ask me with a ring. He didn’t ask with anything but himself, and I said yes! Afterwards, he gave me a beautiful rosary as an engagement gift…and a ring pop.

We wanted the wedding to reflect our vision for marriage: Christ-centered, and therefore, full of beauty. However, we knew this beauty wasn’t just for us, but for everyone witnessing it as well, so we would all be drawn closer to Beauty himself. We also knew we couldn’t do it alone, so we asked the Holy Spirit to guide us every step of the way.

To honor the Blessed Virgin Mary, we chose to have our wedding on September 8, the feast of her nativity. I half-joked with a friend that our wedding cake was actually Mary’s birthday cake. It wasn’t until after the wedding that we noticed how much she made herself quietly, humbly present in every detail of the day.

So many little things pointed to her. Even the decorations behind the head table at the reception seemed to form the Auspice Maria symbol, which we recently discovered is Latin for “under the protection of Mary.” Really, we didn’t plan this! And yet, she made it so clear she wanted to be part of our celebration.

I am also a believer that God works through Pinterest. We found some gorgeous color palettes that included light blues, greens, and a dash of red. After reflecting on our choice, I realized that light blue could point to Mary, the red to the Precious Blood and sacrifice, and the greens to new life.

Our flowers--lilies, roses, and light blue hydrangeas amidst eucalyptus and baby’s breath--also held a special significance for us. Lilies are my favorite flower, mainly due to their association with Mary and St. Joseph, and roses are significant for both Nathan and me. My patron saint is St. Therese the Little Flower, and roses became special for Nathan after he gave a talk on a retreat that used a rose to symbolize the sacrificial nature of love.

Much of our wedding also reflected our desire to be creative and share that creativity. From our homemade save-the-dates and invitations to the crayons we placed at every reception table (so everyone could doodle, of course), we shared our love of creativity with our guests. After all, it is one of the most profound ways we reflect God, the Creator himself.

My ring was also born of this God-given creativity.

One reason Nathan didn’t propose with a ring was because he wanted me to choose one, and I elected to do a custom design. After many ideas and unsatisfying sketches, I decided to simply ask the Holy Spirit to guide my hand.

The end result was astounding. My design incorporated all the elements I wanted: lilies, thorns, and sapphires, but the significance and symbolism of their arrangement didn’t sink in until I looked closer at the sketch.

Around the central diamond is a “crown” of thorns, which radiates outward and touches the blue sapphires. Beyond the sapphires lie the lilies, from which leafy vines emanate. This is what I interpreted these elements to mean: Christ, the light of the world, suffered and died for our sins. Through Mary’s fiat, allowing Christ to come through her and humbly suffering alongside him, the resurrection was possible. And from Christ’s resurrection, we have new life.

Surrendering to the Holy Spirit can be difficult, but the end result is always more beautiful.

Planning the liturgy involved the most prayer and discernment. We have many friends and family members who are not Catholic, so we wanted to make the liturgy as beautiful and elevating as possible to draw everyone deeper into the mystery of the Mass and marriage.

Nathan and I opted to walk down the aisle together at the beginning of Mass in lieu of my dad escorting me. While this is an uncommon choice at contemporary Catholic weddings, it is a richly symbolic approach that visibly communicates the covenant we are making with each other and with God (see Genesis 15 for how God seals His covenant with Abraham).

It also makes it clear that no one was “giving me away” to Nathan. We were freely choosing this and hopeful of God’s blessing. To spend a few special moments with my dad, I had a first look with him in the bride’s room.

We chose Tobit 8:4b-8, Psalm 34, Romans 12:1-2, 9-18, and John 2:1-11 for our readings. St. Raphael is a key figure in the book of Tobit, and we credit him for helping us find each other through his prayer for the wise choice of a marriage partner.

We invited everyone to glorify and praise God for his goodness during the psalm. In the passage from Romans, St. Paul describes the life of a Christian in bold, resounding phrases, reminding us to serve others through our marriage in the most beautiful way possible: the Way itself. In the Gospel, Mary, our greatest intercessor, tells Jesus, “They have no wine.” Wine is a symbol of joy. She wants us to have joy and asks her son--whom she knows can provide everlasting joy--to give it to us. In her humility and wisdom, she charges us with the command, “Do whatever he tells you.”

Continuing to honor and thank Mary, we offered her flowers as some of our dear college friends sang the ancient Carmelite hymn “Salve Mater Misericordiae.” It has been a tradition in our friend group to sing Marian hymns at each other’s weddings, so this was very special for us. It was our hope that this and the other music chosen would draw people closer to the beauty of God.

In keeping with our desire to show our guests the beauty of the Catholic faith, we invited everyone to pray the Liturgy of the Hours with us as the last “event” of the reception. The Dominicans at our college taught us these prayers and a beautiful version of the Salve Regina. This became part of our daily prayer while we were dating, so this was another way to share our spiritual life with our guests.

In the end, beauty triumphed.

The word we heard most as we spoke with family and friends about the wedding was “beautiful,” and that's exactly what we wanted. We wanted the whole day to be beautiful. We hoped to draw people into the beauty of the Mass and the sacrament of marriage, into the beauty of fellowship, and ultimately into the beauty of God.

But our wedding day was not just beautiful; it was authentic. By allowing God to work through our perspectives, talents, and desires, we were able to carry out his will in a way that was very distinctively us. Each one of us has a unique way of pointing towards God. Our way just so happened to include crayons, Night Prayer, SpongeBob references, classic rock, and Latin hymns.

A strong theme in our relationship, wedding planning, and now our marriage, has been surrender: handing everything over to God, because he writes the best love stories. He knows the most beautiful way to do things. Ask him, and he will guide you to the beauty you seek in the present moment.

It blows our minds that the astounding beauty we experienced that day isn’t even a fraction of what is waiting for us in Heaven, where we will finally, intimately, and fully encounter Beauty himself.

Photography: Soul Creations Photography | Church: Our Lady of Mount Carmel Catholic Church | Reception:St. Alphonsus Liguori Catholic Church Parish Hall | DJ / Band / Live Music: DJ Connection, Billy Kinsey | Cake Vendor: Becky’s Bake Shop and Floral (main cake) | Caterer: The Putnam Inn | Rentals: A Classic Party Rental | Bartender: The Putnam Inn | Dessert / Appetizer Bars: The Putnam Inn | Rings: Master Jewelers | Shoes: DSW | Bridal Gown: Blue House Bridal | Reception Venue: St. Alphonsus Liguori Catholic Church Parish Hall | Ceremony Venue: Our Lady of Mount Carmel Catholic Church | Groom’s Suit/Tux: Haggar | Bridesmaid Dresses: Azazie | Stationary / Invitations: Pretty Little Papers

The Feast of St. Joseph | A Fellow Human, A Saintly Spouse

STEPHANIE FRIES

Today is the feast day of St. Joseph: foster father of Jesus, spouse of Mary and head of the holy family. He was a carpenter, he was a man.

When we look to Joseph, we see a man who surrendered himself to the direction from an angel in his dreams. We read how he obeyed the command of God, loved and served Mary as his chaste spouse, and raised Jesus, the son of God, as his own earthly son.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MARY KATHERINE PHOTOGRAPHY

Have you ever imagined when Mary and Joseph lost Jesus in the caravan, only to find him days later, preaching to adult men in the temple? My heart goes out to Joseph. The parameters of his mission were simple: love, protect, and guide Jesus and Mary. All in all, through obedience and grace, Joseph fulfilled his calling. But in this experience of losing Jesus and consoling Mary, I imagine Joseph was tempted to worry and despair.

Years later, Joseph died when Jesus was 30-years-old, on the brink of his public ministry. I picture Joseph lying on his deathbed, preparing to part from his earthly life. Joseph must have felt both sorrow and joy as he left his family with anticipation for his son’s powerful mission. I imagine the deep sadness of Jesus and Mary who said goodbye to their beloved.

Reflecting on the stories of Joseph bring his humble holiness to a human reality.

As we gaze at Joseph in statues and paintings, recall stories of him in Scripture or reach out to him in prayer, we encounter a friend. He is so approachable; a human man who intimately encountered the divine every day. This man who we rightfully honor with holy veneration was conceived with original sin. He was as human as me and you.

In the vocation to married life, we are sacramentally offered good and holy gifts such as intimacy, vulnerability, and companionship. Receiving and living out these gifts can often send individuals and couples to the heights of love, or can expose a raw wound of human brokenness. Perhaps in a moment of insecurity we believe, “I am not enough.” In the midst of an argument we fear abandonment. In prolonged frustration and anxiety, we despair and lose trust in God’s providence.

It may be easy to admire an icon of Joseph, Mary and Jesus and assume the immense joy in their family life. Amidst the celebration of such pure trinitarian love of the family, I hope against hope that there were days Joseph wished he could love Mary better. Or days when he was disappointed by how he received Mary’s perfect love. Joseph’s imperfections are the only stains of sin in the holy family, yet his entire being—holiness and imperfection combined—was destined for his specific vocation.

Through both his human imperfection and pure intention, God empowered Joseph to love Mary, show Jesus about the love between a husband and a wife, and receive love from his family. In the same way, we are each called to be fully present with God in our unique vocation, to love with virtue despite our own shortcomings.

God has so carefully woven two lives together in your marriage. On the days when your sinful, selfish, or short-sighted human nature is too much to bear, remember goodwill and purity of heart are enough for love. In striving to love and be loved, moments which expose brokenness do not define a limit for love. Rater, these moments help us identify where grace and mercy can provide healing. Joseph’s example offers peace and encouragement to every person, for our hearts to become a channel for God’s love to shine through.

St. Therese of Lisieux offers encouragement to little souls, to those who recognize their long journey to perfection, “Agree to stumble at every step therefore, even to fall, to carry your cross weakly, to love your helplessness. Your soul will draw more profit from it than if, carried by grace, you would accomplish with enthusiasm heroic actions that would fill your soul with personal satisfaction and pride.”

You are human. Joseph was human. If he could fulfill his vocation to the Holy Family, you can fulfill your vocation in your own holy family. You were created for a mission exactly where you are. As you bring your completely human heart to God, you will grow—with an ever-deepening purity of heart—in the capacity to love and be loved.

St. Joseph, you sought to bring glory to God in every action and word. Together with your pure heart, Mary’s Immaculate heart, and Jesus’ Sacred heart, guide me to embrace my human imperfection with humility so that I may receive God’s mercy and grow ever more deeply into the virtue of my vocation. St. Joseph, foster father of Jesus, pray for us.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. Stephanie’s perfect day would consist of a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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What We Should Have Asked During Marriage Preparation

ADA PIMENTEL

Our first marriage prep meeting was in the deacon’s office of the large parish where we were to be married. As we sat facing his desk, we noticed the shelves facing us; they were filled with binders labeled ‘Annulments A-Ba,’ ‘Annulments Ba-Ce,’ ‘Annulments Ce-Di,’ and so on. As we stared at the bewildering number of annulment binders, the deacon informed us that, as twenty-somethings, the odds are against us: statistics show married people in our age bracket are more likely to end up divorced.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Emma Dallman Photography

We left our first meeting discouraged, our second underwhelmed, and our pre-Cana retreat scared. We desired to make our marriage preparation worthwhile, but all of the support offered by our diocese and parish left us feeling more lost and confused than ever.  As an engaged person, it is often difficult to find the all-encompassing resources to feel spiritually prepared for marriage.

If you are already married and feel as though your marriage preparation was lacking, there are resources available for married couples. You can still seek a deeper understanding of this wonderful sacrament.

Although our diocesan-level preparation lacked convicting formation, we did not  advocate for stronger pre-cana support for ourselves because we did not know what questions to ask. After reflecting on these shortcomings over the past year, here are some of the questions I wish I had asked in the deacon’s office.

What have been the best ways that you have seen couples prepare for marriage?

Maybe the Pre-Cana retreat in your diocese is not up to scratch, but your parish may have an excellent sponsor couple program. Working with a mentor couple who has many years of experience in marriage and marriage preparation can provide trusting relationships and additional ideas during your engagement.  Ask around to friends and family as they may have recommendations as well.

What resources are available to us?

Little did we know, there is a fantastic office full of Catholic marriage counselors down the road from our parish. We never heard about these services while we were preparing for the sacrament of matrimony, probably because we never asked. Every diocese has its own resources, and there are many more online. The right resources are often hard to find, but the first step is to ask the right people in your community.

What books can you recommend?

Ask your married friends for helpful books from their engagement. Ask priests or religious sisters for books to deepen your understanding and knowledge of the sacrament of matrimony. Consult blogs and articles for recommended readings. With your beloved, consider the options and discern which resources you want to dive into together. Even if there are not many formal resources available in your area, you can form a self-guided  marriage prep course with the help of a good reading list.

Are there any ministries geared toward people who are already married?

Marriage preparation is only one part of the equation. Marriage is not an easy vocation; husbands and wives need all the support they can get in a world that consistently tears down the call to marriage and family life. Are there any groups in your parish or in your diocese which can connect you with others trying to live the vocation of marriage?

There are many resources to help you prepare for your lifelong marriage, and many people who aspire to share their wisdom--and your excitement--in your preparations. Do not be afraid to ask for the things you need, both in your desires for more and in the midst of a struggle. As Matthew 7:7 reminds us, “Ask, and it shall be given you: seek, and you shall find: knock, and it shall be opened to you.”

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About the Author: Ada Pimentel studied English at the University of Dallas and currently teaches elementary school. She married her college best friend in November 2017. When she is not teaching, Ada can be found contemplating classical education, redecorating her apartment for the hundredth time, and reading British novels.

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How My Running Shoes Prepared Me for Marriage

JOHNNA WILFORD

I got married on October 6, 2018. A year before that, my husband and I I had been dating a little over a year. And a year before that, I was living by myself in Los Angeles, recently dumped by someone I thought was (finally) a good guy for me. And I wasn’t Catholic. 

How quickly things can change.

It took a lot of personal growth and therapy for me to make the transition from a clingy, single Episcopal girl to a confident, engaged Catholic woman. However, I truly believe the thing that prepared me the most for coming home to the Church--and to my marriage--was running.

Running eased my anxiety. It led me to the Catholic Church. Ever since I became engaged I’ve desired to express the ways my running habit taught me how to be in a healthy, adult relationship.

Below, quotes from the Catechism of the Catholic Church’s explanation of the sacrament of marriage, and how they relate to my running life.

God himself is the author of marriage (1603).

 Like anything else, my marriage starts with God. At the time I was dumped by the guy I was dating in Los Angeles, I was training for my first full marathon. The date of that race was February 14th--Valentine’s Day. I don’t think this was a coincidence.

 In my training, I learned exactly how strong I was physically and mentally. At the same time, I was learning to remember I deserved love. Not despite the fact that I was single. But because I was created by God, who knew me intimately and wanted the best for me.

This combination of a spiritual revelation with my physical accomplishment made the race day even more special. It was like I was spending Valentine’s Day with God; the support and encouragement from all of my friends that came to cheer me on during the race was directly from Him.

Marriage helps to overcome self-absorption, egoism, pursuit of one's own pleasure (1609).

I think running creates saints in the same way marriage does. While training for my marathon, there were many times I had to say no to going out late with friends to prepare for an early-morning long run the next day. Going out was a short-term pleasure, while doing well in my race was a long-term one. Sometimes it’s necessary to forgo one for the other.

Running really helped me distinguish between earthly and heavenly pleasure, a distinction I can now apply to my marriage.

When, for example, my husband is coming home from a work trip on a Saturday at midnight and I need to pick him up from the airport, I get grumpy about the obligation--especially since we’ll need to wake up early for Mass the next day. But I want to be a good person in general by helping out someone in need. I want to show my husband my love by picking him up myself, instead of asking someone else to do it. And I want to experience Jesus in the Eucharist the next day, even though I may be bleary-eyed and would sort of rather be sleeping in.

Though that’s a small example, and though it’s always a struggle to get myself out the door for a run when I would rather be binge-watching something, I think being a regular runner ensures that I experience this rejection of my ego constantly.

Marriage helps to…open oneself to the other, to mutual aid and to self-giving (1609).

 Before I started learning more about the Catholic Church, I was a little hostile to some of her teachings.

No sex before marriage? I can understand that for one-night stands. But what if you’re in a committed relationship?

No artificial birth control? Puh-lease. I want kids, but I don’t want dozens of them!

 Running gave me the necessary understanding to dive deeper into these teachings once I was open to doing so. My husband and I had engaged in premarital sex, but once I realized sex was a beautiful way of engaging in the marital sacrament, we stopped. We weren’t even engaged yet--and it would be almost a year and a half until we were--but we knew why it was important.

It wasn’t easy, of course. But neither is running 26.2 miles, or climbing a couple of feet off the ground with nothing but a tiny rope (my husband’s favorite form of exercise is rock climbing).

And since we both could do that, we knew we could save sex for marriage, whether it was ultimately with each other or not. 

As for the artificial birth control issue, I am forever grateful to the Church for offering Natural Family Planning. I took up running because I wanted to be the healthiest version of myself I could be. The sport taught me to pay close attention to my body and discern what was normal, and what needed to be addressed through self-care or the help of a professional.

So it was easy to translate that mentality into tracking my fertility once I learned about NFP. I wasn’t even engaged when I started using the sympto-thermal method, but it was so useful for me even without the prospect of marriage. I am now in the process of becoming a sympto-thermal teacher myself, since I hope to teach single women in particular that fertility awareness can point out health issues long before marriage is even on the horizon.

 Whether you’re single, engaged, or married, I encourage you to try running. It’s a great way of learning more about the virtues Jesus and all of the saints modeled for us. And I believe it cultivates a mindset that will help your marriage flourish.

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About the Author: Johnna Wilford helps women design health and wellness routines that fit into their lives. She is a RRCA-certified running coach, a POP Pilates instructor, and a SymptoPro Fertility Educator in-training. She is also the Co-Founder of the online community Catholic Women Run.

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How He Asked | Elizabeth + Matthew

We are honored by the opportunity to walk alongside you in this marriage ministry, from Yes to I Do and beyond, and we love returning to our couples' stories as they continue to unfold. If we've featured your love story in our How He Asked engagement series and you now feel called to share your wedding with us, as well, submission details can be found here.

Read more here for the story of Elizabeth and Matthew’s wedding, a “taste of the eternal wedding feast” in a magical Irish castle. 

Elizabeth and Matthew met in Ireland in a study abroad program in college. Their fairy-tale introduction at the top of a castle became a very real and fruitful relationship. As they discerned marriage together, they helped each other grow in love for the Lord.

Matt eventually took Elizabeth back to Ireland as a gift, and after a brief set-back and improvised castle tour, proposed to her in the country where they met.

“Incandescently happy” after their engagement, Elizabeth couldn’t believe that “life could be so beautiful and abundant.” And yet beauty and generous abundance is exactly what the Lord desires to give every one of his children.

In Elizabeth’s Words: Before I met Matt, I prayed a novena to St. Anne for my future husband, and I met him on the ninth and final day of that novena. I didn't tell him that until we were engaged.

We met in a castle while studying abroad in Christendom College’s Ireland program. It's a true story, I promise, and was something we never could have planned! As Matt would tell it, I was late and he was early. I had been traveling with my brother before meeting the student group in Ireland, and we met them on their first day at their first stop: Bunratty Castle.

Matt says, to this day, that he waited until he got to the tallest tower of the castle to introduce himself because he wanted to make a good impression on me. He did.

Afterwards when I was dating Matt, God made it consistently clear that he was the man for me, for many reasons. One of these reasons was Matt’s deep and wise faith, which he really cultivated and grew in college. I admired that, and it made me hungry to know Our Lord more fully and also to love His bride, the Church!

I used to tell Matt that I fell in love with God long ago, but it was dating him that really began my love affair with the Church.

I believe my contribution to Matt’s faith-walk came in a humbler way. He tells me often that my love of the Father, this 'Abba' of my heart, inspired him to pray differently and seek to love the Lord more deeply and personally than he had before.

It is beautiful that God, in his wisdom, knew how we needed to complement each other.

We were both adamant throughout our dating relationship that we were discerning a unique vocation to marriage with each other, and we tried to be intentional about that in our conversations and prayer life together. We discovered we had the same dreams for life and the same ultimate goal of heaven, and we both discerned that God was calling us to each other to help us reach those dreams.

After a few years of dating and graduating from college, Matt took me back to Ireland as a gift. He invited my siblings and a few close friends to join us, so I couldn't have asked for a more treasured crew. He was smart because he immediately put me off the scent and told me I shouldn't expect an engagement to happen. Matt was still saving for a ring, and paying for the trip was expensive. I was completely oblivious.

My darling friend Anna always tells a story about the night before we all left on this trip. She was talking to her dad, and he asked, 'So Lizzie knows she's getting engaged on this trip, right?" Anna replied, "Nope, somehow she has no idea whatsoever." She even had to make sure I was wearing cute clothes the day Matt proposed because I was not thinking about it at all.

We arrived back in Ireland on Monday morning as a group and drove up to stay at Ards Friary. This was where Matt and I spent our first summer studying, praying, and having fun together. It brought back a flood of happy memories.

On Tuesday we drove down to Knock Shrine and attended daily Mass. We then drove to Ashford Castle, where we experienced a falconry lesson for the first time. It was so fun!

Afterwards, Matt walked with me to the back of the castle. It was like something out of a fairy tale, situated on a lake with pristine gardens.

I didn't know it at the time, but he had to quickly change plans right before he proposed because the bagpiper wasn't ready yet. One of the concierge guys swept in to help Matt by distracting me. He offered give us a tour.

I was a history major in college, so when he started telling me things about the house that didn't add up, I thought he was the worst tour guide ever! In reality, he wasn't a tour guide at all, but it was pretty comical. The tour was also incredibly short, only lasting about 3 minutes. I was confused and wondered what this guy was doing, but we left our funny tour guide and walked back to the garden by the lake.

It was there that Matt proposed with a bagpiper playing the background, and I immediately started crying happy tears. He told me how I had helped him learn to love God as a Father and that he wanted to spend his life serving God by serving and loving me.

Looking back, there really aren't proper words to describe the euphoria of a moment like that, but “incandescently happy” was a phrase that suddenly made sense. He pulled out a gorgeous three stone ring, telling me it was a reminder that God would always be the center of our home.

As soon as i managed a 'yes' through my tears, we were swarmed by my two brothers and sister. Everyone was crying, and everyone was happy. The next thing we did was FaceTime my parents and Bella, my little sister with special needs. She started smiling as soon as she saw us. I think she knew what was up!

We spent the rest of the day on a boat on the lake drinking cider (my favorite) and loving every moment. I pinched myself, overwhelmed by blessing and in disbelief that life could be so beautiful and abundant.

Matt is truly a princely man. He is honorable, wise, compassionate, funny, and brave. I felt (and still do!) like the luckiest girl in the world.

We spent the rest of the trip touring Ireland and celebrating. To top it all off, Bono from U2 invited us for lunch at his home in Dublin to celebrate our engagement. My parents have known him for many years, and he actually knew we were getting engaged before I did--which almost resulted in me finding out by accident--but that's a whole other story.

We drank wine at his home and celebrated the beauty of this life together. When Bono and I took a photo together, I held my finger up to the camera with my beautiful new ring as he said 'Party like a ROCK star!'

Proposal Photography: Friends/Family | Engagement Photos: Laura Gordon Photography | Nuptial Mass or Engagement Location: Ashford Castle, Ireland

The Confidence of a Covenant

STEPHANIE FRIES

As husband and wife come together as one body in the profession of marriage vows, man and woman are united through covenant. Though it is not only their participation in the sacrament which binds them ‘till death, but God’s active presence as the third member of the triune union. This truth of trinitarian love can become a source of confident peace “in good times and in bad.”

God desires to fill our minds and hearts with faith, hope and love. In our human experience, we are often tempted to despair. I invite you to reflect on the triggers which test your resilience against fear or doubt in your vocation. When we collaborate with God, he promises to give strength to our weakness and drive out fear through the grace of the sacrament.

PHOTOGRAPHY: ALEX KRALL PHOTOGRAPHY

The deep intimacy of marriage and call for ongoing transformation is an experience of vulnerability and exposure. This vulnerability has the potential to reflect beauty itself, imaging the original nakedness and shamelessness of the human heart in God’s perfect design—before the fall to sin. Yet for some, myself included, the raw exposure of body, heart, and soul can initiate feelings of self-doubt, lack of trust, or worry for the future.

We are only human; we are not immune to fear.

Fear can take many forms in our lives, such as tension, defensiveness and a short-temper towards others, or apathy and hopelessness towards important matters. Whatever its form, fear affects our relationships.

In my own experiences, I can internalize my emotions, over-analyze circumstances, and seek means to gain control. Fear also materializes in the form of a question, a litany of asking, “what if?,” in times when God is calling me to surrender and trust his providence.

Any number of circumstances can provoke personal discord, such as separation over a distance, challenges with fertility, conflict involving extended family, financial burdens and professional stress. This list is nowhere near comprehensive of the challenges in family life. Yet no conflict or origin of fear is too big or too ugly for God to redeem, especially through the unbreakable bond of covenant.

Despite our brokenness, here is the source of unfailing, sanctifying hope: the sacrament of Matrimony is indefinitely bound to the gift of grace. “Christ dwells with [married couples], gives them strength to take up their crosses and to follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to “be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,” and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love.”

He pours out his love to us and through us. The life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ created an unbreakable promise of love from God to his children. The vocation to married life is an invitation for us to participate—with God and our spouse—in this promise. Our responsibility is, simply, to remain in him.

When our value, security or identity is threatened by fear, the courageous Christian response is love. 1 John tell us, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear.” We do not acquire this perfect love through our own effort. Rather, we remember “God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him. In this is love brought to perfection among us.”

If we honestly identify our source of fear—as an individual or as a couple—and share it with God in prayer, he can begin to restore our hearts and our lives. We eventually break free from the chains of fear, love others in greater abundance, and receive love without hesitation or doubt. In essence, we fulfill our human design to love and be loved. We catch a glimpse of sanctification in our marriage, family, and community.

“Jesus has not placed on spouses a burden impossible to bear, or too heavy… It is by following Christ, renouncing themselves, and taking up their crosses that spouses will be able to “receive” the original meaning of marriage and life with the help of Christ. This grace of Christian marriage is a fruit of Christ’s cross, the source of all Christian life.”

Marriage is a party of three: man, woman, and God. Through our wedding vows, we are infinitely bound to both our spouse and our Creator. In seasons of sorrow or despair, courageously choose love. Enter more deeply into raw intimacy with trust. Enter more honestly into prayer with hope. When temptation to fear abounds, we are invited to stand with confidence upon our unbreakable sacramental covenant, in union with the presence of God, and anticipate the fulfillment of perfect love.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. Stephanie’s perfect day would consist of a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Newlywed Challenge | 3 Simple Ways to Reduce Screens in Your New Marriage

MARIAH MAZA

True confession: I love my screens. I love my phone that allows me to stay in contact with friends and family, listen to all my favorite podcasts, and stream my Amazon Prime watchlist. I love my laptop, on which I complete most of my work and writing projects, both at home and away at the local library or coffee shop.

But for all their wonderful uses, screens can also easily take up the majority of our attention--to the point that their bright and noisy distraction numbs us to a sad reality: the slow replacement of intimacy in a relationship with self-absorbed technology.

It is a problem that can spring up especially in the initial transition from the single life into a married home. Bad technological habits that previously affected only yourself can suddenly have a very apparent and negative effect on your spouse, the person you now see everyday and share a bed with each night.

In fact, this is exactly what happened to my husband and I. Very soon after the wedding, I began to notice little, unexpected things in our marriage that felt “off” because of the presence of a phone, laptop, or TV screen:

When we would talk to each other, eye contact wasn’t always being made because one of us would be on our phone as we spoke. After a while, I began to feel painfully unheard and unseen simply because of the lack of “eyeball time” in our conversations (which is what I started to call it).

Later when we went to bed, we would bring our phones with us out of habit, scrolling and watching videos while laying next to each other, but not interacting. I began to experience an unrest in my heart, like the sacred space of our “marriage bed” was being invaded by our screens.

It didn’t take long for me to begin to resent the crowding presence of technology in my relationship with my husband, because I desired a deeper intimacy that seemed to be blocked by YouTube videos and my overuse of Facebook. Bad habits needed to be broken, but it wouldn’t be an overnight process.

Breaking screen habits can be very difficult, but for engaged couples or newlyweds, there are simple ways to prevent or reduce the overuse of technology in your new marriage before it becomes a problem. And it doesn’t necessarily require a total screen detox. By having an honest and vulnerable conversation with your fiance or spouse, I challenge you to safeguard your intimacy by trying one (or all) of these three tips to achieve a healthy “digital minimalism” in your vocation.

Go without a TV for the first 6 months

Be bold! If you are gifted a nice flat screen for your wedding or already have a TV, keep it safely packed away in storage. If you don’t have one, don’t worry about buying one. Not for the first six months, anyway.

Now imagine the unique foundation you could build in your new marriage without a working TV in your home or apartment. What fun, creative traditions could you begin? Instead of binge-watching your favorite shows together, find entertaining board games at a nearby store or friend’s house that you can play together. Go on a drive and explore the local area. Find a tasty new recipe and cook dinner together. Read a favorite book out loud to each other. Dedicate certain hours to prayer as a couple.

While a cozy movie night on the couch can be a wonderful date idea, I challenge you to discover a life without TV, and let yourself be surprised by all the memories you may not otherwise have made. Does six months sound too long? Try it for one month, or even a week after you settle into your new life together.

No phone zones

This is a very important boundary to set in your married life, and one that I forgot to seriously consider.

Ask yourself where the distracting presence of a phone screen could most hinder or infringe on intimacy in your marriage, whether it be spiritual, emotional, or physical intimacy.

Some crucial “no phone zones” could be the bed, the dinner table, or car rides.

In these special places, both you and your beloved agree to set down or turn off your phones and allow the focus to be on each other. In these places communication, eye contact, and self-giving love can thrive without distraction. If you are like me and use your phone every night as an alarm, consider placing it on a nightstand--or even better--on a dresser further away so you can’t reach for it in the middle of the night.

Download app timers

Most people are completely unaware of how much time they actually spend on different applications on their phone, laptop, or tablet. Utilizing apps that keep track of how long you spend on time-sucking platforms like Instagram or Facebook can be a shocking wake-up call to the reality of screen overuse.

There are also apps that lock you out of your phone for a specified time or shut down specific applications after a timer goes off. Some of these include OFFTIME, Forest, App Off Timer, and AppDetox, but there are dozens more options available.

Download a few and see which work best. If you notice your screen time decreasing and the quality of your marriage increasing, you’re doing something right!

So much about newlywed life sets the foundation and habits for the rest of your marriage, and your first year together is a special time that won’t come again. With this in mind, strive to start off strong with an intentional focus on your intimacy that builds confidence, trust, and respect.

So talk about boundaries now, not later. Be honest about your bad screen habits, make a realistic plan, and agree to hold each other accountable. This is just one way to practice sacrifice for the good of your spouse, an element of marriage that will come up again and again and again.

When I learned how to sacrifice my phone time out of love for my husband (even though it felt small), the bigger sacrifices that inevitably came in marriage didn’t seem as intimidating. And by the grace of God, we started practicing healthier habits: time limits, putting the desires of the other first, intentional intimacy-building activities, and persistent prayer.

Now I cherish every moment of precious eye contact so much more, and I feel more seen, heard, and known. When I see my husband put down his phone to come over and ask me about my day, my heart fills with joy and gratitude. Our marriage has been put first, and a little victory has been won.

God tells us that “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” With each little victory over distraction, we become more and more “one flesh.” Don’t let a screen come between your marriage and this amazing sacramental mystery. Enter joyfully into it with your beloved, and watch how the Lord blesses your union.

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About the Author: Mariah Maza is Spoken Bride’s Features Editor. She is the co-founder of Joans in the Desert, a blog for bookish and creative Catholic women. Read more

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Newlywed Life | There Is Grace in Recalling Your Wedding Day.

HANNAH GRAHAM

Shortly after my husband and I were married, I mentioned to a friend that I thought about our wedding day a couple times a week, if not more. I recently ran into this friend again at a wedding reception, not long after our first anniversary. Seeing me again, she inquired as to whether or not this was still the case, curious if marriage had impacted that habit of regularly remembering our wedding day.

Photography: Mackenzie Reiter Photography

I was happy to answer that experiencing the realities of married life is part of why I still contemplate and reminisce about that day just as often. The ceremony, Mass, the wedding party, the friends and family, the dancing, speeches, and pictures. Even after having our first child, I think about how profoundly those moments impacted us.

That day crosses my mind often, not only because it was the beginning of my vocation and the best day of my life, but because my life with my husband has become a reflection of that day.

The individuals who witnessed our vows still hold us accountable in our faith and vocation. We are still challenged by the Church to live our marriage as a witness to God’s love, in the same way we chose to that very first day. In the trenches of parenthood, two jobs, and living away from family, we are still asked to give ourselves--body and soul--over to the other.

I play through those grace-filled moments to remind myself of the high call my husband and I entered into, particularly when the crosses feel heavy.

In the midst of a million distractions, looking back on the intense desire my husband and I had—and continue to have—for the Lord refreshes the dusty parts of my soul.

I once heard it said that the grace God gives a couple in the sacrament of marriage is just as powerful as the grace he gives a priest to change ordinary bread into the body of Christ. Despite the heaviness life can bring into a marriage--financial struggles, misunderstandings, family tensions-- the wedding day is a reminder that laying down one’s life for another is a joy when done in love. This is what married life truly demands of all those who enter into the divinity of the sacrament.

If you haven’t done so, consider bringing your wedding day to prayer when you face challenges in your vocation. Doing so can remind you of the grace you are capable of calling upon, as well as the joy with which you entered into this union.

Even if you don’t face any immediate crosses in this particular realm, reflecting on the day with your husband can renew your desire to love selflessly and foster gratitude towards the Lord for how far you have come. Regardless of how long you have been married, reminiscing on that very first day will keep you aware of the truly divine romance you became a part of.

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About the Author: Hannah holds a Bachelor of Arts in English along with minors in Theology and Catholic Studies.  She currently pursues her passion for freelance writing from her home in Minnesota, where she lives with her husband and son.   

Ash Wednesday Reflection | Memento Mori + Marriage

MARIAH MAZA

Memento, homo quia pulvis es, et in pulverem reverteris.

“Remember, you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” (Gen 3:19)

Ash Wednesday begins a period of deep internal reflection and penance. So as we walk into the dimly lit churches on the first day of Lent, let the solemn silence enter your spirit, and enter again with a vulnerable heart into the Paschal Mystery: the Passion, death, and resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

“Teach us to count our days aright, that we may gain wisdom of heart.” (Psalm 90:12)

The cross of ash we receive on our forehead is both an external sign of our sinful mortality and a reminder of the Divine death that was suffered for our salvation. An often-forgotten ancient spiritual penance comes to mind: the practice of memento mori, a Latin phrase that reminds us, especially in this season of Lent, to “remember your death.”

“Let us prepare ourselves for a good death, for eternity. Let us not lose our time in lukewarmness, in negligence, in our habitual infidelities,” admonishes St. John Vianney. And so, let us not remember our inevitable death with fear, but instead illuminated in the Christian hope of Eternal Life that awaits us beyond the threshold of our earthly lives.

In her devotional Remember Your Death, Sister Theresa Aletheia Noble reminds us “Jesus has defeated humanity’s greatest foe—permanent death in sin. All that remains for us to endure is bodily death. And Jesus has transformed even this fearsome reality into the doorway to heaven.”

“The Cross changes everything.”

Yes, let us remember death. Because “in whatever you do, remember your last days, and you will never sin.” (Sirach 7:36). Because each numbered breath, starting today, is one more reminder to live, to hope, and to love.

And for those who are engaged, newlywed, or veteran married couples, allow the practice of memento mori to become something even more profound: as you prepare to become one flesh--or already live one in flesh with your spouse--remember the death of your beloved.

Remember your vows you will make, or have already made. Remember you vowed “until death do us part.” Remember that part of the sacramental vocation of marriage is to prepare your beloved for a saintly death. You are called to help each other to Heaven.

“Then he said to all, “If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” (Luke 9:23-24)

Beginning today, with your fiancé or your spouse, help each other to carry your crosses as we walk the Way of the Cross with the Church. Whoever follows Christ will die with him, the God who didn’t even spare himself from the pain of death, but whoever follows Christ will also rise with him.

“Death is swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” (1 Corinthians 15:54-55)

Memento mori.

Further reading: Sr. Theresa Aletheia Noble’s first 20 pages of her new Lenten Devotional Remember Your Death.

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About the Author: Mariah Maza is Spoken Bride’s Features Editor. She is the co-founder of Joans in the Desert, a blog for bookish and creative Catholic women. Read more

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Change is Both Good and Hard: Wisdom from The Lion King

STEPHANIE FRIES

Have you seen the movie The Lion King? The characters are lovable, the songs are catchy, and the story is metaphorically relatable. Walt Disney produced a movie to not only entertain an audience, but to also share wisdom about real-life experiences such as growing up, surrendering anxieties, forgiving and receiving forgiveness, and pursuing a destiny.

When I recently rewatched the movie, I was struck by a scene which reflected my personal experience as a newlywed. In the context of the film, Rafiki, the baboon whose character is as colorful as his face, has encountered young-adult Simba. Rafiki is hoping to convince Simba to return to the pride land--the home where he would be King if not for the evil manipulation of his Uncle Scar.

PHOTOGRAPHY: ELIZABETH M PHOTOGRAPHY

In their conversation, Simba curiously looks into the sky and says, “Looks like the winds are changing.”

Rafiki responds, “Ahh, change is good.”

In an honest reply, Simba says, “Yeah, but it’s not easy.”

There is a dance in the tension between “both” and “and.” Both Rafiki and Simba. Both good and hard. Both joyful and painful. Both triumphant and agonizing. Both glorious and sacrificial.

When I approach the personal and circumstantial changes which have accompanied married life with the conviction that change is only supposed to be good—as fruitful and enjoyable—I create unrealistic expectations. I expect myself to adjust to a new environment with a level of gracefulness, simplicity, and ease that nears perfection; therefore, making a mistake or asking for help is a sign of failure. In this half-true perspective, I am overwhelmed by my constant mistakes, I am frustrated in my insecurities, and I bring tension into my marriage.

Can you relate? Do we allow ourselves to admit that change is both good and hard?

By shifting my perspective and embracing this whole truth, I become more gentle with myself. I align my will with what is good, and I simultaneously recognize the limits of my human capacity when the circumstances are hard. When I am at peace in understanding perfection is not possible, I accept tender affirmation and encouragement from my husband without denying his kindness. I grow in the fruits of the spirit.

Sisters, it is okay—freeing, in fact—to admit when something is just plain hard. All the while, our attitude can be both confident and humble; confident that, “I can do hard things,” and humble to say, “I can’t do this alone.” The honest and humble heart creates space for God to guide the way.

Consider how the season of engagement proclaims, as Simba says, “the winds are changing.” As we recall from Scripture, “A man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.” Marriage prep classes and wedding planning are visible signs of the active journey of two becoming one—a journey which continues for many years. Throughout those years, husbands and wives will be faced with innumerable new circumstances, transitions, and opportunities for change.

Saying I do is like dropping a rock in a pond and the resulting changes in our lives are the waves which ripple from the impact.

The ripple effect of external changes in married life could include moving to a new house or city, making new friends, creating different routines, establishing new hobbies and schedules, having a baby, sharing spaces and materials with your spouse, eating different foods, etc. The list goes on and on and is ever-changing with the seasons of our lives.

These adjustments, as simple as some may be, are both good—in the way they are a part of sharing a life together—and hard—in the demand for selflessness, virtue, discomfort, and surrender.

In addition to the external adjustments, our hearts undergo a transformation as well. Marriage requires a thousand deaths so we may grow together anew. By its nature, death is painful. Yet submitting to death-of-self, as a free and faithful act of holy love, is affirmed by God’s grace and supported in good community. Both good and hard. As we grow in self-awareness, intimacy with God, and intimacy with our spouse, we can enter more deeply into the trinitarian unity our hearts desire.

God knows every detail of the transitions in our lives. His grace will shine through each circumstance in a unique way. Do we trust his wisdom and glory? Or are we distracted by unfulfilled perfection and seemingly-useless suffering? The attitude and perspective we choose in each experience shapes our lifelong journey to holiness and our relationships with others along the way.

As we are honest with ourselves, we can be more gentle with ourselves. These attributes—honesty and gentleness—are not signs of carelessness or complacency, but of faithful cooperation with the Father of Mercy.

There will certainly be days when we have to dig deep, work hard, or push through temptation to accept certain changes in our lives. There will be days when we are surprised by joy and overwhelmed with the peace and freedom of change. Regardless of the emotions of experience, the truth echoes from the words of Rafiki and Simba, “change is good, but it is not easy.”

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. Is God calling you to practice more honest self-talk? Does he yearn to offer you healing in the Sacrament of Confession? Does he want to show you the freedom in surrendering your expectations for perfection? In what new circumstance does God want to shower you with his mercy? Journey deeper with him this liturgical season to experience both the pain of the crucifixion and glory of the resurrection as we fulfill our vocations to love.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. Stephanie’s perfect day would consist of a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Why I Value My Love Story's Flaws

ABIGAIL GRIPSHOVER

Sometimes it seems the best stories are the ones that involve the most hardship. As a writer and bit of a romantic, I always hoped my love story would be a good one. However, I did not realize until after I was married that the many difficulties my husband and I faced while dating were the very things that would make our story exactly what I hoped for, one worthy of retelling.

Photography: Emma Dallman Photography

This theme has continued into our marriage, and I have come to realize that our struggles are cornerstones, forming a strong foundation for the life we are building together; one that will hopefully last many decades and weather even the worst storms.

My husband and I were very fortunate, because we were each other’s firsts. We shared and experienced those magical little romantic things together: the specialness of the first date, the thrill of holding hands for the first time, the shyness of the first kisses lightly placed on cheeks. We made the most of our tiny college town, slowly filling every corner of it with memories that would never be forgotten.

But we also had to learn love’s hard lessons through each other.

I slowly came to the realization that this other person did not always see things the way I did, and I had to accept that his fears and opinions were different than mine, yet still deserving of respect.

We experienced the difficulty of growing up and changing while spending late nights and stressful study sessions trying to understand who we were after all of this.

During those formative years, it was all too easy to blame our own individual problems on each other.  After too many cycles of forgiving, forgetting, then falling into the same harmful patterns, it seemed like we were doomed to keep hurting each other, and we parted for what I believed to be the last time. He transferred schools and went back home while I returned to a very lonely campus to finish the second half of my junior year.

We were young, gullible, and at times, very dramatic. But we loved each other, and in the end, after some space and time, desperate prayers and tireless persistence on the part of my dear husband, we called our friends to tell them that we were not only back together, but also engaged and getting married in a few months.

Even though we were long distance, both of us living and working from home at this point, being engaged was truly incredible. It felt like the world was sparkling and everything we planned, whether it was the flowers for the church or the layout for our new apartment, promised to be perfect. We were married on a beautiful, warm day in February, and the wedding was even more than we hoped. It was intimate, elegant, and full of visible love.

But as our married life began, a distance fell between us we had never experienced before, and it seemed to grow and warp as the first week of marriage stretched into the first six months.

There was so much we didn’t understand, so many ways we were unprepared for what was coming. New responsibilities caught us by surprise and normal mood swings were interpreted as personal attacks. We felt like we came from different planets, and the peace we had reached together only months before seemed to crumble in our hands.

In our first year of marriage, we moved twice, changed jobs, lived long-distance for over a month, confronted broken promises, and fell under the curse of chronic illness. Money was tight, tensions were high, and hurts ran deep. And so we prayed. We prayed harder than we ever had before, reached out for help, and remembered our vows. We had committed to each other, and we were not going to give up now. Scott Hahn once said,

“The grace of the sacrament does not make marriage easy, it makes it possible,”

We called upon that grace to save us. In response, God healed us and gave us the eyes to see the reasons for our hardship. We were able to recognize him guiding us as we renewed our promises.

When we stood before our family and friends on our wedding day and vowed to forsake all others for each other, we had no idea those vows would be tested so quickly. I always assumed the “for better” part came first, and the “for worse” part came later, and learned that is not always the case. Yet through our Lord’s grace we stayed. Our love became like a broken bone, stronger once healed than it ever was. As we live through our second year of marriage and continue to face new hardships, we have been able to lean on each other.

When we wake up side by side and look into the eyes we fell in love with, we both feel so grateful God gave us to each other. We both are brought to tears when we think of everything we would have lost, had we given up during the hard times. And now, as we both wonder at the movement of our little baby still growing inside me, we cannot wait to watch our life continue to grow through the hands of the Lord into so much more than it ever could have alone.

In the song “Enough to Let Me Go,” the band Switchfoot writes,

“If it doesn’t break your heart, it isn’t love.”

Even though I liked the song, I never understood that verse. This love story of mine has changed that. Marriage can be truly heartbreaking, but not always in bad way. Sometimes it breaks my heart because it is just so incredibly good.  My poor, feeble brain cannot comprehend or process the outpouring of love, delight, and gratitude that surges through me when he wakes up and smiles at me or takes my hand in the grocery store while we talk about ridiculous things.

Our love story is only beginning. Though I may be biased, I can say I’m thoroughly hooked and cannot wait to see what the next chapter holds, even if it’s a difficult one.

After all, God is the original author, and he knows how to write a good ending for every type of story. Especially a love story.

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About the Author: Abigail Gripshover is a part-time editor/social media manager and full-time housewife.  When not working, you can find her catching up on book club readings, rearranging furniture, or organizing her planner while listening to music.  She lives at the beach with her wonderful husband, and they are expecting their first baby. 

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Vendor Spotlight | The Block Party

Derek Hall’s first standing gig as a DJ was in his kitchen. After the twice-weekly dinners he and his college housemates would host for friends, Derek began selecting music for dishes and cleanup--which, he now admits, “was probably just a good ruse to get out of chores!”

Photography: Abbey Moore Photography

No matter the motivation, a hobby was born, and it soon turned into more. Derek spent his college years seeking opportunities to DJ house parties on campus, a process he says involved “finding the house with the most people on the lawn, lugging my stereo system over, and asking if the owners would mind me DJing.”

After graduation, Derek worked as a DJ for several of his housemates’ weddings, fell in love with the craft, and began pursuing as much experience and education as possible. He has studied mixing turntables in New York City and sought out mentors in the field, and Derek and his business partner, Wes, founded The Block Party in 2016.

When an art you love becomes able to meet a need, it’s hard to see the intersection of your gifts and others’ needs as anything but a call. Derek views his business foremost as a vocation--a perspective that brings particular intention, depth, and sincerity to his client experience.

According to Derek, “[this aspect of the job being a vocation] is both our personal journey as we work towards heaven, but also a unique position of being a part of our couples choosing this vocation and helping to send them off on their new journey.

As Catholic vendors with an eye towards this vocation, towards the importance of our faith, and with our hearts pulled towards others on the same path, there is a desire to both support and be supported by peers. To pray for each other. To have one corner of the world to more openly relate on the unique challenges we have while attempting to live our faith in what can be a very secular industry.”

Based in the Ann Arbor and Detroit area, serving Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Illinois, and available for nationwide bookings--Derek and his wife are lovers of travel who dream of visiting every continent and DJing a wedding in every state--The Block Party embodies this spirit of vocation in everything from up-front investment info to their fellow wedding vendor recommendations to Derek’s desire to make each wedding the best he’s ever done, not for his own gratification, but out of a desire to serve his couples. Yet as seriously as he takes his business and calling, Block Party weddings are engineered for fun and celebration, involving vinyl mixing and creative, well-thought out playlists unique to each gathering.

Music has a power to draw our attention to a particular setting and purpose--that’s one reason why liturgical music, with its purpose of worship and contemplation, is appropriate for a nuptial Mass. In a similar way, the music at your reception can do the same, creating an atmosphere of true joy and emotion that points to a deeper reality.

From Derek: DJ culture on the whole pushes me musically, and I've found mentors around the country that have shown me that there is room for a DJ to bring lots of creativity and passion for music to a wedding setting. Redbull Thre3style, Girltalk, and my Block Party partner Wes are all big inspirations musically.

My wife and our relationship are a huge inspiration for how I work with people. I tend to pour my heart into things and she is my filter, knowing my love language inside and out, and helping me to channel my love and energy to best take care of our couples and our friends. She grounds us so we can try out crazy ideas and big trips. Our faith as a couple pushes us to take ownership of each others work, to pray for our couples, and to treat this as a vocation first, and business secondarily. We still work hard to be prudent and have a responsibility to be good stewards of our brand, but we want to eliminate all used car salesman feels from how we work. Being honest from the beginning and pouring everything we have into each night out of passion and love rather than obligation has gotten us where we are.

An interview with Derek

Favorite devotion: The Divine Mercy Chaplet. It's very approachable in both length and content and the end includes optional prayer that is so life giving for me: "Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion — inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself."

Despair, despondency, and a fear of there not being enough compassion are all such powerful things in our lives. This is such a beautiful answer.

By the body and blood of Christ there is enough and we can look for the will of God in our lives.

Favorite part of working on weddings: Nearly everything. Every week is a new puzzle, a completely different combination of family, location, tastes and a hundred other things. I need to take all of that and bring those people together the best I can, and of course try to foster all the dancing. Weddings are a perfect for playing anything that comes to mind because it is such a celebration of people's lives. We can be playful, nostalgic, and really pull out emotional responses just by playing certain songs.

[DJing] is also the perfect outlet for my love language of wanting to give gifts. It is so rewarding to pour years of experience and practice into one night, hopefully making it the best I've ever had, for that couple.

Favorite wedding-day memory: My wife and I did our first look on a dock...on a frozen lake...with a nerf gun duel that she didn't know about till that morning. There are so many parts of the day I still love, that were beautiful capsules of our relationships with our friends and family. We did a waltz and an Irish dance together that were also a ton of fun.

On my bucket list: Travel to all continents with my wife, spend 3-6 months abroad in one chunk, and DJ a wedding in every state—this combines my loves of travel, people, and DJing into one nice goal

Favorite place I’ve traveled: Ethiopia. I've been blessed to a do a bit of travel, but this trip was quietly brewing for over a decade. My wife spent a few years in Kenya when she was little and her parents were doing mission work. Her heart has always been tugged towards doing work in Africa, and when we were in undergrad, as best friends, I'd tell her someday she'd find a guy who would get it and be up for the adventure with her. All this time later when we finally decided to date and then marry, and I was that guy, we made a trip to Ethiopia for a week of work, and a week of exploring. It gave me so much more context of who she is.

Favorite music: Music is so hard. I love how much music timestamps life. I love learning and growing my music tastes. It's my job, but I also love almost any music I come across.

Favorite food: Grilled chicken, pierogies, or salad work any night and are easy to make for guests. Or anything my brother makes. He's a chef in LA and has changed my world about food as an art and science.

 I root for...the Pittsburgh Steelers, who I’ve been watching with my wife forever, the Detroit Pistons, and Detroit Tigers. I love basketball.

Love means...Love is not a feeling or an emotion. So many things happen in life that can quickly totally shake or even break your snowglobe. Depression, putting on weight, losing jobs, and other struggles are things that can happen in life, especially when you are around a friend or a spouse for a long time.  You aren't broken if you can't feel. Even in our faith, sometimes we can feel cold and don't feel on fire. God sticks with us and is patient. He offers forgiveness and has shown us how there is beauty and love in sacrifice and pain. Love means persistence, a gentle heart, and vision of someone that goes beyond the last few moments to know the beauty and value they have. Love is doing what we can to get our spouse to heaven.

VIDEOGRAPHY: HEART + SOUL

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Rebecca + Brian | Verdant Church House Wedding

Despite friends’ enthusiastic intentions, neither Brian nor Becca was overly thrilled to try out swing dancing at the Catholic student center. But when Brian first saw Becca during the dance lesson, he initiated a strategic plan. “If I stand next to her, we’ll have to be partners,” he thought.

He was right--and rather successful! Brian only had to dip her once, and Becca was smitten. But there was one major obstacle to Brian’s pursuit: she was already dating someone else.

And so, Brian and Becca’s friendship grew gently and quietly. It was nourished by a boisterous group of mutual friends, regular communal night prayer, spontaneous theology debates, swing dancing, and $2 Sunday night dinners in the church basement.

Over a year later, Becca had been single for several months, and God told Brian the time was right, as the Lord would over and over with each milestone in their relationship. Also present at each milestone would be the Author of Love, fully present in the Blessed Sacrament:

Whispering in the silence of the adoration chapel, Brian first professed his affection to Becca, thinking it wouldn’t be returned.

Exclaiming prayers of thanksgiving in the same chapel some weeks later, they delighted in just having made things “official”.

On one knee in front of the altar and tabernacle several years later, Brian proposed in the very spot he hoped to soon marry Becca.

Two weeks before their wedding, kneeling in front of the tabernacle, they consecrated themselves to Mary.

Their hope for their consecration day, the Feast of the Annunciation, was that their yes to Mary would echo Mary’s yes to God, which would foreshadow their upcoming yes to each other on their wedding day.

To remind themselves of their consecration to God, Mary, and each other, Brian and Becca had their wedding bands engraved with the Latin phrase “totus tuus”, which means “totally yours.”

From the Bride: For years, I had been unsure of how it was possible to wholly dedicate myself to God and a husband at the same time. This question bothered me a lot, and I spent a lot of time praying about it.

I knew the answer, but I didn’t always feel it in my heart, especially early in my discernment with Brian. And yet, by the time I saw him standing at the end of the aisle, I deeply felt and knew the response to my years of “unsure-ness”—to say yes to God was to say yes to Brian.

Because our sacrament of marital love finds its origin in the Author of Love, we wanted to make sure the wedding pointed back to God in every way. We spent a lot of time selecting readings that we thought would be fruitful and eye-opening for both our non-Catholic and Catholic guests. We also spent a lot of time choosing music.

Music is so powerful. Just like in the movies, when you know what you should think and feel in a scene because of the music, the same goes for weddings.

Hymns and melodies reserved for the sacred sphere give the listener a profound sense of God’s presence in the church. It sets the events occurring inside the church apart from any other thing that happens outside.

We were blessed to have a spectacular organist and cantor, as well as a talented group of friends who sang some tear-jerking polyphony acapella. After the wedding, we were very happy to hear from several guests that they appreciated how the the Mass and ceremony were incredibly reverent.

I’ll let G.K. Chesterton sum up our attitude toward the reception: “for economy is far more romantic than extravagance.” Who said you need a ton of money to have a great party?

Brian and I enjoyed the romance of creativity with less funds, making the reception more entertaining with items that didn’t cost much. For example, the guestbook consisted of guests’ suggestions for bucket list ideas for Brian and I written on paper circles. The circles were then clipped to ribbons for a pretty and fun display. We got everything from “take your parents and in-laws on a cruise” to “conquer Lithuania using only a spoon and an Ethernet cable”.

Instead of clinking glasses for a kiss, guests clinked their glasses to get everyone’s attention.  Then the glass-clinkers could sing a song, do a dance, or recite a poem about love and the bride and groom. It was hilarious!

The best performance was from one of our seminarian friends who clinked his glass, solemnly stood, and began “a reading from Sacred Scripture…” reciting super love-y lines from Song of Songs with perfect comedic timing and facial expressions.

After dinner, two friends taught a group dance called the ring dance, and many of our guests joined in for this crazy and fun mix of partner switching! My dad and I also surprised everyone (Brian included) with a father-daughter dance of Bollywood, ballroom, and dorky retro dance moves that my sister and I had mixed and choreographed some months before. Hearkening to our first encounter with each other, there was also lots of swing dancing throughout the night.

Brian and I couldn’t believe how not nerve-wracking, peaceful, and perfect the day was. We kept repeating to each other, “that was so beautiful and perfect! God is so good!”

From the Groom: It is awesome and inspiring when I consider the events of our wedding day in the context of God’s divine plan.

From the very moment that our souls were conceived in the mind of God, he had this day already awaiting us, and we set forth on a new path amidst his blessings and joys.

I had no qualms or second thoughts as I approached the altar and waited impatiently for Becca to do the same. I thought over and over to myself, “I was made for this.” You—as finite as a moment in eternity, and yet an eternal soul—were created for the mission entrusted to you by the all-powerful God of the universe. So be excited! Do not be afraid! God will never abandon his faithful servants.

From the Bride: We have the same favorite moment of our wedding day: kneeling together in front of Mary after Communion, saturated in the angelic singing of the Arcadelt Ave Maria by a choir of friends. We had doubly given our lives away to God and to each other, leaving us at once totally empty and totally full. Nothing had ever felt more right. Neither of us are criers, but we both had tears in our eyes.

To close, I want to pass along an incredibly useful piece of advice I received from my best friend. If you’re nervous about the crowds on your wedding day, think of all the faces turned toward you as you walk down the aisle. Yes, think of them. It might be a lot of faces, but all those people love you and your fiancé, and you and your fiancé love them.

Thus, there is nothing to worry about, because you are surrounded by love.

Photography: Soul Creations Photography - Spoken Bride Vendor | Church: St. Alphonsus Liguori Roman Catholic Church - Zionsville, IN | Reception: St. Alphonsus Liguori Roman Catholic Church - Zionsville, IN 46077 | Catering: The Juniper Spoon | Clutches: Tina Frantz Designs | Bridesmaids Dresses: AZAZIE | Bridal Gown: David's Bridal | Bridal Shoes: Ve-Ve's Dance Company | DJ: AMS Entertainment & Audio/Visual | Rings: Diamonds Direct, Monique Fine Jewelry | Jewelry: Tiffany & Co. | Cake: Confectioneiress Cupcakes & Sweets

Heartfelt Thank You Notes: The 6th Love Language

STEPHANIE FRIES

A much-anticipated aspect of the wedding planning process involves creating a wedding registry and receiving an assortment of new home appliances, decorations, tools, and household essentials.

As wedding guests share their excitement for the newlyweds by offering a thoughtful gift from the registry, they express their admiration, love, joy, and hope to the couple. In his written analysis of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, author and marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman comments on the significance of gift-giving. He says, “You must be thinking of someone to give him or her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought.”

Yet the deep fulfillment of gift-giving often comes when the recipient opens the gift with sincere gratitude or joy; as observed by St. Francis of Assisi, “it is in giving that we receive.” When guests are unable to see the bride and groom open their gift after their wedding, a thank you note helps complete the beautiful cycle between giving and receiving.

While giving a gift is a way to say “I love you,” writing a heartfelt thank you note is how to say, “I love you, too.”

If working through the list of thank you notes feels like a chore, hassle or waste of time, consider the following tips to convey gratitude, affirm your friends and family, and find purpose in your hand cramps:

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAUREN EMILY PHOTOGRAPHY

Write Notes by Hand

There isn’t an expression of gratitude more authentic, powerful, or treasured than a personal, handwritten note. Despite the convenience and beauty of modern technology, it is important to take the time and effort to put pen to paper.  Making the effort to handwrite wedding thank you notes and send it in the mail is not only a sacrifice, but an act of love for another.

Be Specific

Beyond gratitude for gifts alone, consider expressing your sincere thanks for wedding weekend assistance or for the presence of a loved one at your wedding. Every guest, vendor, and volunteer is a unique person who helped make your special day possible. The thank you note has the power to convey the message of appreciation for both the gift and their role in your life. As you express gratitude in a note as unique as the person it’s for, consider incorporating answers to some of the following questions:

• What was the gift?

• What was your/your spouse’s reaction when you received the gift?

• How will you/have you used the gift?

• Why are you and your spouse eager to bring this specific gift home?

• How did their presence or assistance make a difference in your wedding day?

• Did this person offer a skill, talent, or word of encouragement that no one else could have provided?

Share Something from the Heart

Stretch your focus beyond the gift and share a personal emotion or memory from your wedding day. By sharing an emotion, you expose a truth of your heart and invite the recipient of the message to express empathy or to make a deeper connection with you. For example, you could write about a favorite moment or a “behind-the-scenes” story that guests didn’t notice. Despite how much time you were able to spend with specific guests during the wedding weekend, sharing a personal story or emotion invites them into a deeper experience and memory of your joyful sacrament. In doing so, you offer them a gift in return, the gift of your heart.

Pay it Forward

The gratitude doesn’t have to end when the thank you note goes to the post office. When you unpack a gift or as you use it over time, offer a prayer of thanksgiving for the person who gave it to you and their generosity, or a petition for their own needs and desires.

Stay on Budget

If a family member or close friend wants to give you and your spouse a meaningful wedding gift that is not on the registry, consider inviting them to order the bulk supply of personalized stationery, envelopes, and/or stamps for your thank you notes. High-quality stationary reflects your personality and your gratitude, but it comes with a cost. If someone is able to give your stationary as a wedding gift, it is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. Stephanie’s perfect day would consist of a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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My Marriage Prep Experience Was More Intense Than Most. Its Surprising Fruits.

MEGAN HAAS

Six months after our college graduation, as I began a corporate job in my hometown and my boyfriend moved across the country for military service, he made a surprise visit and proposed on the campus where we fell in love. Giddily, we walked hand-in-hand. I looked up at him and asked, “Now what?” to which he replied, “Let’s go to the church!”

Photography: Rae and Michael, seen in Reflections on Ten Years of Marriage

With the exception of extreme circumstances, the Church calls us to take time as a couple to prepare for marriage. Due to our long-distance circumstances, my fiancé and I hoped to get married sooner rather than later, in the church we attended together back in college. Excitedly, we walked into the office, asked, “how can we get married here?,” and were given a booklet of instructions. It was here I learned the Church must be notified at least six months in advance of a couple’s desired wedding date to ensure sufficient preparation for the sacrament.

A few days later, my fiancé and I were thrilled to find an available date that worked with his military commitment. We met with a priest to discuss our formal preparation with the church over the next nine months. Along with a retreat and written materials for pre-marriage counseling, our priest requested we meet with him 6-8 times throughout our engagement. This posed a challenge, with our eight hour separation and work obligations--our visits were limited to one weekend every few months. At this first meeting, he assured us that as long as my fiancé could call or Skype into the meetings, this would not be an issue. We were pleased with the plan.

When we shared these details with our families, my parents were taken aback that the parish required so many pastoral meetings. My fiancé and I were confused by their reaction.

Other family members, including grandparents, continued to surprise us, asking questions like,Why do you two need to meet with the priest so many times? Isn’t it enough that you want to get married in the Catholic Church, when so few couples do these days? Though they’ve encouraged my faith throughout my life, my family viewed the time commitment as burdensome during an already stressful period of separation. 

I liked our priest, however, and I rationalized that it was not a huge time commitment. Still, when my spouse and I attended a Pre-Cana retreat and learned from other attendees that frequent meetings were  fairly uncommon, I was a bit surprised. Most other parishes in our geographical area did not require couples to commit to more than a Pre-Cana retreat and a meeting or two. Friends of ours getting married in another state were only required to do a Pre-Cana retreat.

So as our first official marriage preparation meeting approached, I grew frustrated: Why do we have to commit to so much more than other couples preparing for marriage in the Church?

It took time and prayer to find an answer. My fiancé and I were facing the stress of the military, illness in the family, uncertainty about my career plans. We both worked long hours, and the wedding was suddenly six months away.

After our first meeting, it hit me: we were not spending enough quality time with God. The Father had his hand in us getting married at this particular church. He wanted to make sure we were prepared for the sacrament. Taking time to go the church where I would marry my husband, either in person or attending by phone, gave me much needed time for prayer and reflection.

 Our priest’s approach also provided valuable insight into our expectations for marriage. I learned right away that my vision was far too idealistic. The priest pointed out that on our formal assessment, I agreed with the statement, “I will always love my intended as I do now.” I now see that as naivety. Of course, love matures and grows. Through our conversations, I grew more realistic about the future and potential challenges ahead. We created a budget, discussed how we might share household responsibilities, and came up with potential date ideas--all as part of our marriage preparation.

 As much as we kept Christ at the center of our dating relationship, the busyness and stress of engagement made it more difficult--and the commitments with our priest ensured we still made the Lord our priority.

If you are preparing for the sacrament and feel burdened by the obligations, talk with your fiancé and encourage each other to fully commit to what the Church asks of you. In the case that your parish does not require a marriage prep course, I push you to take the leap yourself and schedule some time to talk as a couple with your priest. Our Father gave us the beautiful gift of marriage. And like all of the sacraments, we must ready our hearts in order to fully enter into it.

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About the Author: Megan graduated from John Carroll University in 2017, where she studied Management, English Literature, and Spanish--and met her husband. The couple currently resides in Tennessee, where Megan works as a data analyst. Together, they enjoy day trips, movie marathons, and spending time with friends and family around the country. Megan's passions include baking, reading, and taking on DIY projects.

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Struggling to Balance Work, Vocation, and New Motherhood? You Aren't Alone.

EILEEN MARINO

On my wedding day, it was easy for me to look at the man I loved, excited to create a home and family with him. To shepherd him to heaven and let him do that for me. When I looked at our friends joining the priesthood or struggling in single life, I was even more overcome with gratitude. How lucky was I to have found my vocation so young, and to have a partner who would help make things easy and joyful!

I was right in how blessed I was, but easy is now the last word I would use to describe my vocation.

I hear love is a verb. It’s much easier to choose sacrifice when you’re on a honeymoon high and want only to dote than it is to let your spouse sleep in the middle of the night when your baby starts screaming.

I knew marriage--and the Catholic faith at its core--is to lay down your entire life and will for Christ. Doing it joyfully has been the most humbling lesson of my life, one I could only learn through the throes of marriage.

When I got pregnant earlier than I anticipated, I didn’t expect my joy to mingle with sadness. We had talked about children and thought my staying at home with them would be best for our family. Yet my career was such a huge piece of my vocation that leaving it earlier than expected felt a lot like dying.

So here I was at twenty four, trying not to blame my husband for this position while feeling like it was his fault, trying to put on a good face through an incredibly painful pregnancy, and trying desperately to let go of the sadness I felt to be having a child. I felt like a terrible person for sharing love with guilt.

And then our son was born. My world exploded and our marriage crashed into an entirely new dimension. We had just learned how to live together, communicate, and give things up to make the other happy, only to make room for another even needier human. The baby needed so much attention we literally had no time for our relationship as husband and wife.

I worked for seven months more, thinking if I worked while my baby was young, I could still have that time to chip away at this non-mother piece of me before my son got too big. In every moment I wasn’t caring for my son, I was struggling: to hit deadlines, to make us food, to clean the house. To take a shower once every few days. Ultimately, I realized it wasn’t possible anymore and drove to work sobbing as I prepared to give my notice.

It’s a story I’ve hashed out many times in the months since. And I’m home now, which makes me both terribly sad and indescribably happy. It’s only recently that I’ve had enough perspective to reflect on what this all has done to me--to the three of us--and the what now? piece I had been desperately searching for.

Why is this admittedly self-centered tangent even relevant to marriage? Because marriage, as I’m learning, is not about me. And it is not easy.

Being a wife, a mother, a Catholic--and hopefully someday, a saint--means taking on a cross and laying down my life. I’m not trying to be heroic about this, and it is not something I do only with grace every day.

But in the months since letting go of my job, my son has grown so much more full, happy, and joyful. He is leaping across the expectations we had for him; bringing joy to everyone we see, everywhere we go; he is flourishing, in large part, because of the new attention I’ve been able to love him with. He needed me.

My husband and I have, for the first time since I gave birth, had time together. Because I’ve had some time to get chores done I no longer need to work until midnight, I’ve been able to get our son down for bed at the same time every night. We have our nights back to heal, take time together, talk about where we are struggling, and date each other again.

My husband saw how sad and scared I was and has been able to love and comfort me; I was finally able to be vulnerable with him. And I was able to see how I was stretching us all too thin, and in making a decision to give something up for him, he is flourishing too now. There is a peace and a calm in our house that had been missing when everything felt desperate and urgent.

Being a partner--being in it this deep with my husband--is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. I don’t have all the answers yet, and I may never have them.

I am not advocating that women give their identities up for their families. That’s not a vocation.

But seeing the fruits of my particular call in this season have reminded me my life is bigger than me, for more than me. And so is marriage. Leaving my job, for this season, was a decision best for my particular family, and maybe not for yours, which is alright and good. Perhaps I will find a more flexible job outside of nine to five that lets me work again in the future. For now, I will grow a little boy’s soul and be a balm to his father’s. Being a Catholic, being a Christian, being a spouse, means dying every day for something greater. And eventually, it will mean wanting to.

When we were dating, my husband and I frequently read the writings of John of the Cross--He read to me from The Living Flame of Love a few minutes before proposing! I’ll leave you with a piece of these words. This is marriage, and this is our joy:

O sweet cautery, O delightful wound! O gentle hand! O delicate touch that tastes of eternal life and pays every debt! In killing you changed death to life.

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