How to Get Your Marriage Blessed by the Pope

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

My husband and I just returned from our babymoon/honeymoon part two, in which we traveled to Rome and several locations in Northern Italy. It was a beautiful trip, but by far the highlight was going to the papal audience on Wednesday, June 13, and being blessed by Pope Francis as part of the “Sposi Novelli” (newlywed) blessing. Our baby in utero got a special blessing as well! When I posted one of our photos on Instagram, I got lots of questions about how couples can go about planning their own newlywed blessing, so I thought I’d share some of what I learned from our experience.

Photo by L'Osservatore Romano

Order your tickets in advance.

All papal audience tickets are free, but due to the number of newlyweds who want to attend each week, you must request tickets from the Bishops’ Office for United States Visitors to the Vatican (contact your local diocesan office for information if you do not live in the US). It’s as simple as emailing the office a few months ahead of your visit, asking for Sposi Novelli tickets for the Wednesday audience you want to attend, and picking the tickets up between 3-6 PM on the evening before the audience. The office is near the Trevi Fountain and you can find directions to it on their website.

Be aware of the rules and restrictions.

According to the BIshops’ Office, couples are eligible for the Sposi Novelli blessing if they’ve been married for two months or less*, and must bring their marriage certificate, signed by a priest or deacon, with them to the audience.  

*In the interest of full disclosure, Kristian and I did not know this rule and had almost been married six months at the time of our Sposi Novelli blessing (we planned on going much earlier, but first trimester and international travel do not mix well). As I said before, our baby got blessed too as I was visibly pregnant, but that didn’t seem to bother anyone. If you want to get your marriage blessed but can’t go to Rome within two months of your wedding, it may still be possible, but it’s a good idea to check with the Bishops’ Office before you book your airline tickets.  

Plan your wardrobe.

 For the Sposi Novelli blessing, couples are expected to come in “wedding attire”, which broadly interpreted means men in suits and women in white dresses. At our audience, there were women fully decked out in their wedding dresses and grooms in tuxes, but that isn’t required. And if you go to Rome in the summer, you may want to forego the wedding dress simply due to the intense heat in St. Peter’s Square.  

A note about dress code: There’s no specific dress code to get into St. Peter’s Square, where the audience is held, but if you want to go into the Basilica afterward, you’ll need to have your shoulders and knees covered.

Get there early.

The Bishops’ Office recommends that you get to the audience as early as possible (the Square officially opens at 6:30 AM) even though the audience doesn’t begin until 10 AM. Kristian and I weren’t able to make it until about 8:30 due to jet lag, but even then almost all of the special seats for the Sposi Novelli were taken. It’s worth it to get there as early as possible, especially since there’s nothing quite like an almost-empty St. Peter’s Square in the early morning light. Just bring snacks, a water bottle, and some reading/prayer material with you to pass the time.

Note: The Basilica does not open until a couple of hours after the audience concludes, so you won’t be able to go to Mass beforehand.

Pay attention to the weather.

I’ve been to Rome during every season except Fall (which I hear is gorgeous), and as much as I love the Eternal City, I must say that summer (mid-June through August) is a tough time to visit. The heat can be oppressive and there’s little relief from trees or ubiquitous A/C. But if summer is your only option, there are a few things you can do to beat the heat at the Sposi Novelli blessing:

-Don’t wear your wedding dress unless it’s light, airy, and breathable. Consider purchasing a white dress that will allow you to look bridal without overheating.

-Advise your husband to wear a lightweight summer suit.

-Bring an umbrella or parasol (I’m so thankful that the Italian couple sitting next to us let me huddle under theirs).

-Bring a LARGE bottle of water and refill it while you’re waiting in one of the natural fountains in the Square.

-Wear sunglasses.

-Bring something to fan yourself with. Trust me.  

Note: If you are planning a winter or spring visit to the Vatican, an umbrella is also a good idea as it tends to rain more often during those seasons.

Bring any religious articles you'd like blessed by the Pope.

At the end of the audience, the Holy Father will do a general blessing of any and all religious articles that you’ve brought with you. I wish I had remembered to bring the rosary that was wrapped around my bouquet! 

Be aware that you may not get a cool photo with Pope Francis.

Depending on the time of year, the number of couples sitting in the Sposi Novelli section varies quite a bit. Couples from all over the world (especially Italy and other countries in Europe) come for the newlywed blessing.  You’re more likely to get facetime with the Holy Father if you do not go during the summer. If you do go during the summer, like Kristian and I did, be prepared for the possibility that you may only get a general greeting from the Pope. We were able to get to the front of the line because I'm pregnant (pregnant women, I learned, are treated like royalty in Rome), but that was an unexpected blessing as there were over 100 newly married couples in attendance that day! My brother and sister-in-law, who went in May 2016, were part of a much smaller group in which everyone got a personal greeting from the Pope.

Note: if you do get photos with Pope Francis, you’ll have an opportunity that afternoon to peruse them, choose the ones you like, and have them printed out for you for a small fee.

Photo by L'Osservatore Romano

What if you can't make it to a papal audience for a special newlywed blessing? Are your dreams of papal marriage blessings dead? Not at all! You always have the option of requesting a Papal blessing for your marriage directly from the Vatican, which is printed on parchment and sent to your home.

I hope this has been a helpful guide for planning a Sposi Novelli trip to Rome. If you're engaged and planning on honeymooning in Rome or a newlywed who recently made the trek, we'd love to hear about your experience in the comments! 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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When Sacrifice Feels Like Too Much.

STEPHANIE CALIS

“This is my body which is given for you.” “ I thirst.” “Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal upon your arm.” We’ve heard these words, felt these aches to lay ourselves bare, to quench the thirst of the Beloved, to make of ourselves a beautiful and perfect gift. The Cross and all it encompasses--body, blood, soul; heroic sacrifice and purest love; a marriage made in heaven--is one of our truest examples of spousal love: self-death and self-gift. But obvious isn’t the same as easy. What can you do when you know you’re falling short of authentic, sacrificial love, and moreover, when you don’t even particularly care to try?

Photography: Alex Krall Photography

Sacrifice shouldn’t make sense. Inconveniencing and emptying yourself, for no benefit of your own, directly pits our better judgment against our fallen nature. My younger self used to view sacrifice, in theory, as two people each being willing to give and take on certain matters, finding a compromise somewhere in the middle. In practice, as I navigated life with roommates and, later, with a husband, I realized how little I’d understood.

Going 50/50 on some things might be good for equality, but it’s not the best for relationships. Sometimes in compromise, and all times in authentic love, one person gives (or gives up) everything, not half.

It’s the ideal we vow to chase after and to live out in good times and in bad, standing before the One who gave of himself completely for love’s sake.

Yet even with eyes of faith, of knowing joy flows from putting another before yourself and wanting the good of someone else, sacrificial love is painful. Whether you’re undergoing the struggle of budgets, registries and their ensuing compromises as a bride-to-be or experiencing the growing pains of living with your husband as a newlywed, there might’ve been a time when you’ve asked yourself, how much is too much?

Watching TV’s This Is Us a few months ago, I was struck by the reality of sacrifice upon sacrifice gone unnoticed or unfulfilled. Years into marriage and raising their children to adolescence, Jack and Rebecca Pearson express the seeming disillusionment they’ve experienced as they’ve habitually put themselves aside for each other and for their family, the weight of their burdens boiling over into an all-out battle.

He feels burned out and unappreciated by years of working a mediocre job while trying to keep family first. She mourns what feels like the loss of identity after ages of existing solely as a mother while putting her own pursuits on the back burner. They wonder and they argue: who has given up more?

Their pain is palpable because it’s real. Dismissing this couple as unwilling to take up their crosses would diminish the truth that even with the graces of marriage, even when sacrifice is a habit, even when spouses put each other (and their children) first and themselves second, the sheer effort can leave you parched and drained. That’s okay. It’s only living water that will restore. Practically speaking, here are some ways to invite the Lord into your brokenness, your tiredness, and to rest in him:

Pray for your spouse, simply as who he or she is.

My prayer often turns to asking the Father for certain virtues that will strengthen me as a wife and mother, and for the same for my husband. During more stressful or trying seasons, though, this approach tends to increase my anxiety rather than my sense of peace. Instead, try simply contemplating the reality of your beloved, in all his flaws and gifts, and thank God for who he is. Chances are, even when you aren’t feeling particularly loving, your focus will shift to a deeper, objective appreciation for the qualities you fell in love with and a diminished sense of frustration with those that are a source of trial. Cultivate a will to thanksgiving.

Say what you need.

It’s surprising how often I find myself burdened by certain obligations of marriage and parenthood and don’t even think to speak up to my husband about them. I don’t intentionally mean to keep my struggles a secret; I tend to (unhealthily) view embracing sacrifice as the more praiseworthy choice than acknowledging my limits, to the point that I end up completely overwhelmed and tired, unable to see them as something potentially fruitful. As we’ve navigated grad school and parenthood over the past few years, I’ve tried to become better about identifying and vocalizing to my husband what can ease the strain. It sounds obvious, but asking for a few hours to go to Adoration, go for a walk, or take myself out to coffee, I’ve finally realized, isn’t selfish. It's a renewal that brings me back to my vocation reenergized.

Thank each other.

In big-picture matters like working a non-dream job or joining in on each other’s extended family vacations, and in small ones like foregoing unnecessary spending when you’re on a budget and putting the dishes away, make a habit of noticing ways your spouse gives of himself or herself for the good of your marriage, and say thank you. For those whose love language is Words of Affirmation, this is particularly meaningful, but for anyone at all, recognizing and valuing what is given can only bear a deeper sense of gratitude, attention, and reverence for the person you love.

No matter how much our particular life demands, on the hardest days I remind myself how much  more miserable I’d be if I were single, with fewer responsibilities, than married to my husband and caring for our children with the difficulties piling on. He is pure gift, meant to sanctify me and, God willing, accompany me to Heaven. Sometimes lightening the load is all about perspective.

“...’alone,’ the man does not completely realize [his] essence. He realizes it only by existing ‘with someone’--and, put even more deeply and completely, by existing ‘for someone.’” - Pope St. John Paul II, TOB 14:2

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Six Tips for Catholic Military Spouses

SOPHIE WHEELER

If you know anything about military life, you know it can lend itself to a lot of time away. We’ve been lucky that thus far in our relationship, my husband Daniel has never been deployed. But I can tell you that within the four and a half years we’ve been together, there have certainly been large chunks of time spent apart. This was the first Easter in three years, for example, that we will be able to spend together. And we are grateful for this, because it also happens to be the first Easter with our baby.

Daniel and I met as the result of a mail mix-up. My family and I had just moved to the area, and Daniel’s family lived two streets down. The new high school I was attending sent a welcome package that ended up in the hands of Daniel’s mom. At the time, his youngest brother attended the same school, and we can only assume the mailman made an honest mistake. So our moms swapped mail, met for coffee and a year later I was offered a summer job from his dad. Daniel and I finally met, and the rest is history!

Everyone’s experience with marriage is different, and it’s no different for couples in the military, with maybe some added roadblocks. And a few moves. Daniel and I have been apart at critical times in our relationship: the summer we started dating, he was away for six weeks, with limited communication aside from a few short letters here and there. A few months before our wedding he was sent across the country. He was thankfully able to come back for our wedding and a five-day honeymoon, but we were separated soon after since I had to finish up my degree.

If your other half is in the military, distance and time apart is commonplace. Planning a wedding while apart, with sometimes little to no communication, is not the best scenario, but these are the types of struggles military families--and families-to-be--work through. We had to prepare for marriage while apart, and to navigate our newfound status as husband and wife in the same way. All difficult, but not impossible.

Here are a few things that helped us:

Communicate.

I know this comes up on every relationship advice listicle ever. But no matter how much we read about it, it’s still not always put into practice. Communication is key in every relationship, but its importance cannot be emphasized enough—especially in relationships involving stressors beyond your control, such as inconsistent schedules and extended time apart. Military life lends itself to all these things.

If you don’t put effort into talking to your spouse on a daily basis, or however often you’re able while he or she’s away, about even everyday occurrences, things can quickly deteriorate and you’ll end up with a pile of misunderstandings and frustrations. Try sharing even mundane moments with your spouse. For example, I usually text Daniel whenever I leave the house to go to the grocery store, and text him again once I am back home. Not that it’s necessary for him to know exactly when I go to the store, but it often results in further conversation about our days that wouldn’t come about otherwise. Daniel does the same for me whenever he goes out, which helps keep my day running smoothly and shows me that he's thinking of me and being considerate of my time.

You don’t have to fight.

This is something that has helped our marriage immensely. We have never fought. Please don’t misunderstand and think that we don’t ever disagree! We do. But we have never allowed our differences to escalate into a fight, despite numerous people telling us throughout our marriage prep that “You need to fight! It’s unhealthy if you don’t.”

Every couple has different personalities, but it’s not that we don't fight because we aren't confrontational. My husband and I both have tempers (our families can tell you that). The reason we don’t fight is because our goal is always to control immediate emotional responses, not to suppress our thoughts or feelings--that would be useless, and would achieve the opposite effect. Many times we do this by acknowledging the situation and allowing each other time and space before continuing the conversation.

I want to be extremely clear about this: we would never have made it through two and a half years of dating and more than two years of marriage if we were were in the habit of ignoring our thoughts and feelings simply in favor of not fighting. There would have soon been an explosion.

Don’t talk badly about your spouse.

This is a favorite piece of advice from my mom. It helps in so many ways. Because of Daniel being in the military, most of our time spent apart has been both involuntary and with limited communication.  If you have to spend time away from your husband or wife, the tension only increases when you vent your frustrations to your friend or family member about every little annoying thing that your spouse does.

Instead, spend your time away from each other reflecting on your marriage and thinking of ways to make the most of your time together, while serving one another. This advice most definitely applies even when your spouse is not away. It gives your thoughts room to breathe before you choose whether or not to voice them.

Make sure your spouse has a good connection with your children.

 My grandmother should be given an award for the amount of patience and kindness she has managed to keep after years and years of being married to a military man (if you haven’t deduced this already, our family is going 3 generations strong in making military families). In any case, what this point means is don’t pass off the punishments to the parent the kids rarely see. Don’t make them the bad guy. Make time for children to bond with their parent. After my grandfather came back from a long time away in Okinawa, he and my grandmother spent two days together to reconnect while their children were looked after by family friends. After they got back home, they set up a candlelit dinner for the two older children to enjoy time with their dad, without the littler ones. The day after, the littles got the same chance.

Always do date night.

 Well…whenever you can anyway. Why wouldn’t you want to? Date night refreshes your relationship, especially when you have children. It gives you the chance to communicate in a different setting than your usual day-to-day, gives you something to look forward to together, and will likely lead to joyful conversations about past dates.

Trust.

Through all of our experiences Daniel and I have repeatedly learned the lesson that we should always trust in God’s plan and timing. This is especially important when it comes to all of the seemingly ill-timed training away from home or possibility of upcoming deployments. These situations are the best reminder of this fact: you have little to do with what happens in your life, but you have everything to do with how you deal with it.

Feeling like you have no control over your life or plans comes often in the military, and the only solution is to trust.

Trust God and trust your spouse. Lean on each other, even while you are apart. Maintain loving and encouraging communication when it's possible. When it isn’t, pray for each other and your marriage.

Photos by Spiering Photography.

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About the Author: Sophie Wheeler is a wife, mother and artist. She grew up in a military family and as a result has lived in five different countries: the United States, Panama, Spain, Argentina and Venezuela. After settling back in the U.S. and finishing high school, she graduated from George Mason University with a BFA in Arts and Visual Technology. She now runs The Anchor Theory, a freelance graphic design and illustration business. She lives with her husband, Daniel, and their 8-month-old son in North Carolina. 

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Newlywed Life | To Love + To Honor: the Learning Curve of Married Communication + the Learning Curve of Prayer

CARISSA PLUTA

Even with significant, comprehensive preparation, even with the purest intentions and highest hopes, the reality of marriage sometimes looks a lot different from what you've imagined. And that can be good: life together as man and wife is a mirror, a purification, a road to the Resurrection by which we can't avoid the Cross. Over the upcoming months, our contributor Carissa Pluta is sharing her insights into transition and developing deeper communication and honesty as a couple.

Photography: Visual Grace

When I told my husband Ben I was going to be writing about communication, he laughed. He knows me too well. Just the other day we got into an argument after he held up a blackened piece of toast, asking, “Is this too dark?”

It really had nothing to do with the toast. Ben thought he was doing something nice for his wife, and wanted to communicate that he cared about me and my toast preferences. But I heard the frustration in his voice after a tough evening, and thought that frustration was directed at me. There were so many other factors, so many minute (but important) details that turned what should have been a simple question into a half-hour argument.

While I have grown in my ability to communicate, especially in the ten months of our marriage, for me communication is the area of our relationship with the steepest learning curve.

When you get engaged, and then again when you enter into marriage, you quickly learn you need to communicate in ways you’ve never had to before. Your thoughts, your emotions, your words no longer just affect you. They profoundly and intimately affect your fiancé or spouse. It can be an exciting gift, to share so much of yourself with another, to be called to love someone in an entirely new way. But that doesn’t make it easy.

Early on, attempts to effectively communicate often lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and maybe even hurt feelings. It can frustrate us, and if you are anything like me, it sometimes leaves us wondering: Isn’t this supposed to be a happy time? Why does it seem like we are fighting all the time? Is there something wrong with our relationship? 

Even in healthy relationships, communicating well is a challenge.

Cultivating effective communication skills is similar to cultivating an effective prayer life—it requires time and patience. But more importantly, it requires vulnerability and openness, humility and reverence, love and the knowledge that we are loved.

Christ himself taught us--through his coming to us as a newborn child and a broken sacrifice on an altar--that prayer begins with vulnerability. Prayer is able to go deeper when we approach God knowing who we are when we stand before him. When we are able to go to the Lord, knowing we are both sinners and his daughters, we willingly present our whole selves to be received by him.

Vulnerability, according to Dr, Brené Brown, “sounds like truth and feels like courage.” It means allowing ourselves to be received in our entirety. But how can someone receive what we are unable or unwilling to hold out to them? We first need to understand our inner selves—our emotions, our thoughts, our motives, our weakness, our wounds. We have to take an open, honest look and humbly see the many different facets of our beings—both our imperfections and, sometimes with even more difficulty, our strengths. We have to reflect on the ways in which these things have shaped us over the years and how they affect our moment-to-moment.

For example, in the Great Toast Argument, I needed to step back and reflect on why I had reacted to Ben’s words the way I did. I had been having an incredibly difficult week, and that night was the breaking point. In my reflection I saw that much of my frustration stemmed from insecurities I had developed over many years; the lies that told me I was not good enough. I needed to feel loved, but when I heard frustration, I panicked and took on a defensive stance.

It wasn’t until I was able to communicate all this to my husband that he began to understand my troubled heart. It wasn’t until I understood how I was feeling that I was able to communicate it to him. Only through self-knowledge are we free to really begin sharing our interior life with our spouse. However, all too often communication stops after this self-expression.

Communication is usually seen as expressing how we feel or what we think. And while that is an important aspect, it goes deeper than that.

Communication is just as much--if not more--about the other as it is about us. After all, what would prayer be if we never allowed for God to speak to us? For this reason, it demands reverence. This reverence first begins with our bodies. Prayer begins with putting ourselves in a position that encourages our mind to contemplate heavenly things. We generally don’t pray very well laying down in our cozy beds because it is hard to focus on what we are saying or on what God is trying to tell us. Kneeling or sitting upright in a chapel or in front of a religious image lends itself to much more fruitful prayer.

Similarly, our body language is important for effective communication. If we put our bodies in a position of receptivity, it makes our souls more open to receiving. Eye contact, uncrossed arms, standing with an open space or sitting upright on the edge of your seat, a nod of the head, an encouraging smile: these nonverbal signals make up even more of our communication than what is said. Our posture encourages listening and it helps the other person know that they are being listened to.

Listening is more than a means to an end; we are not listening merely to be able to respond. Prayer is more than just a one-way monologue; we are not simply speaking at God. It is a conversation with the Divine. Both sides speak, and when we speak we know the Lord listens —should we not return this act of love?

But more than likely, the Lord’s words are not heard with our ears but with our hearts. We understand more through thinking and feeling than we do through our sense of hearing, and we come to a deeper knowledge of who God is and who we are in that process.

Conversations with our spouse should be similar: seeking to understand and to listen well. In our argument, instead of asking my husband why he was frustrated, I assumed it was directed at me and, in my own frustration, lashed out. Only when I finally listened to him, and tried to understand his side, was I able to see how my own personal struggles also affect my husband deeply. I was able to see his love for me manifested in his taking on my own suffering. When we listen to others, especially our spouse, we create a space for them in our hearts. We allow ourselves to more intimately enter into their lives, into their pain, their excitement, their sorrows, their joys. We begin to know and can even feel as they do.

Finally, as in all prayer, we look to Christ on the cross as our example and as our source of grace.

He came to us with utter vulnerability, hanging broken on the cross, and allowed us to receive his very life which poured out from his open wounds. He listened to the broken and troubled heart of his Beloved and because he listened. He took on our pain.

And in all of this, his message from the cross was clear. It is the same message we must communicate to our spouse in all we do and say: Let every word, every breath tenderly, and silently speak the words I love you.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta graduated from Franciscan University in 2014 with a degree in English and Communication Arts, and is currently pursuing her Masters. Carissa is the new wife of a Catholic missionary. She enjoys hiking, painting, and drinking copious amounts of herbal tea. Carissa has a devotion to Mary under the title of the Mystical Rose and longs to reflect God's beauty in everything she does.

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Newlywed Life | Not About Flying: Deepening Your Friendship in the First Year of Marriage

THERESA NAMENYE

I have been married for a little over a year and a half.

I grew up knowing my husband Garrett as the boy next door, quite literally. We became neighbors at thirteen and met on a homeschooling field trip. When we graduated high school and came home from college during breaks, our mutual best friend group grew closer.

Summers were usually spent downtown on the beach, picking out a movie for after work, running to the grocery store for cheap brownies, and laughing in our parents’ basements over some ridiculous story. Several of us even planned a successful camping trip one beautiful weekend in August, where we climbed Sleeping Bear dunes and talked for hours around our campfire.

I don’t exactly know when we fell in love, but we did, days before we left for our senior year of college. The hesitancy to start dating stemmed partly from the fact that it was risking a lot to potentially ruin our beloved friend group. But we did.

Being in love lasted about a year and a half.

Being in love was fabulous. Some of the moments Garrett and I shared were so intense, so glorious, and so unbelievably...soaring, that I could scarcely imagine how beautiful married life would be. We felt stupidly and deliciously in love.

The day after we got married, we packed up everything we owned into a little car and moved across the country. We said goodbye to our friends, our families, our familiarity. And very shortly after, I also said goodbye to the intense feelings of romantic love.

Having spent the entirety of our dating and engagement long distance, we were in for a real shock living together. Sharing a studio apartment had seemed so romantic and cute before; now, we each found ourselves dumbfounded at the preposterous and downright insane living habits of the other person. Communicating on Facebook messenger suddenly wasn’t the way we talked. Coming from two completely opposite families, we dealt with stress utterly differently. I would lash out and be direct, and my calm Garrett would have no idea how to respond to this now- aggressively crazy woman he had married. Garrett treated our living space like the dorm room of a nineteen-year-old college student and just about made my sincere desire for order die a tragic death.

We suddenly found ourselves arguing, crying, and stressing out all the time. We reached for the comfort of our flaming, intense romance, but it wasn’t really anywhere to be found.

Instead, we slowly fell back on all those years of raw and authentic friendship. We spent evenings curled up, watching new shows on Netflix, laughing and staying up half of the night like we did with our friends, without so much as holding hands. We went to the store to buy gelato and wine on Friday nights, took walks, drove long drives, and laid in bed together watching ridiculous videos. We prayed in a way that was casual and comfortable.

Having the feeling of being in love was not the glue that brought us together our first year of marriage. It comes back and forth, but it is not constant. It's nice when it comes around.

Having married my best friend, a person whom I actually considered such long before I thought about dating him, made our relationship bearable. It made our mistakes laughable. It allowed us to communicate without the over-intensity of emotion. It provided countless beautiful memories for us to revisit when we missed home and family.

Seeing each other as lovers was exhilarating and felt like flying. But our life was not about flying all the time. Our life was about sinking our roots deep, lovingly planting the habits that would inform how we raised children, building a foundation on something solid.

Friendship--belly-laughing and carefree and vulnerable and happy friendship--was our something solid. It kept us strong and steady when the first year of marriage, in all its stress and newness and fear and havoc, hurled itself at us in full force.

Our romantic, passionate love is a wonderful thing. It is a grace we don’t deserve. But dying to yourself does not feel romantic, and making a sacrifice that burns doesn’t feel passionate. But, if anyone has provided me for an example of truly unconditional love, it has been my friends.

And as Thomas Aquinas writes, “There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” That is what I cherish the most in my husband. He is my friend turned lover, turned husband, and now turned father of our child.

Christ Himself says there is no greater love than to lay one’s life down for one’s friend. That is what the first year of marriage has shown me in a deeply transformative way. My days and months are full of laying down my own desires and bad habits and wants. For my friend.

The best friendships in life show us this. They show us the friendship God feels for us. And the friendship I share with my spouse is a gift that incarnates that love in a way romantic feelings just start to touch.

Images by Corynne Olivia Photo

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Theresa Namenye studied Humanities, Catholic Culture, and Philosophy at Franciscan University of Steubenville. Originally from the Midwest, she currently teaches fourth grade at a classical charter school in Scottsdale, Arizona. A former championship Irish dancer, Theresa still enjoys pursuing the arts in the form of painting, drawing, and calligraphy when she is not reading novels and writing. She and her husband Garrett will celebrate their two year anniversary in August and are expecting their first child in November. 

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I Trust in You: 4 Ways to Live Out Divine Mercy as a Couple

This weekend the Church celebrates Divine Mercy Sunday, the name and feast given the second Sunday of Easter by Saint John Paul II at Saint Faustina’s canonization seventeen years ago. The message of Divine Mercy is powerfully simple: Jesus longs to draw us intimately close to his Sacred Heart and to pour out his forgiveness and grace, if only we accept his invitation. “Know that as often as you come to Me,” Christ said to Faustina, “humbling yourself and asking My forgiveness, I pour out a superabundance of graces on your soul, and your imperfection vanishes before My eyes, and I see only your love and your humility. You lose nothing but gain much.”

As spouses are called to love and sanctify each other with Christ-like love, incorporating a Divine Mercy-oriented spirituality into your relationship, one fixed on the heart of Jesus, can make manifest his love in your sacramental life and in the practicals of discussion and problem-solving. Consider…

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURA AND MATTHEW AS SEEN IN SARAH AND JACOB’S FLAWLESS FALL WEDDING

Setting regular confession dates.

The clearer the path between your soul and God, the better disposed you are to receive the graces he so desperately desires to bestow and the clearer the path between you and your fiancé or spouse. Because most parishes offer weekly confessions, it can be easy to put off reconciliation until next week, or the next, or the next. Designating one or two Saturdays a month to attend confession and Mass together, followed by a brunch or dinner date, keeps the both of you accountable for meeting Jesus in the sacrament, encourages frequent self-examination, and constantly forces you to your knees, aware of our deep need for the Father’s love and mercy.

Resolving arguments more simply.

This doesn’t necessarily mean hashing out every disagreement to perfection before allowing yourselves to move on; so many relational, family, or virtue-related issues are complex works in progress that aren’t always easily solved. What it does mean is being quick to acknowledge whatever your current struggle is and to meet it with love: listen without interruption, hold hands, use eye contact, and perhaps even offer a smile as you talk. Above all, be generous in forgiveness. A ready “I forgive you,” spoken sincerely and without a grudge, can ease small wounds and sharp words as you work through arguments.

Cultivating a constantly deeper openness to God’s will.

“Every hour is a precious boon,” sings Andrew Peterson. “Every breath is a mercy.” He’s right. It’s been said that Jesus’ message of mercy is closely tied to his providence and to the Father’s will for every person. If, in God’s greatness, perfect mercy is perfect love, then any occurrence in our lives can be viewed as a gift of love, even in suffering, because he wills for us to know him and who he is--in goodness, generosity, and tenderness. Develop a habit of asking Jesus to reveal to you his Father’s will, and of meaning it in a real way. A heart of obedience and service can be much easier to develop in theory than in practice, yet the more often we call upon Jesus to draw us into his heart and show us God’s loving mercy, the easier it becomes to take in and truly live out the words, “thy will be done.”

Entrusting yourselves to Our Lady.

The 1981 attempt on John Paul II’s life took place on the anniversary of Mary’s first appearance at Fatima, a date the Pope knew couldn’t be attributed to mere coincidence. Months later, he would set the bullet that pierced him into the crown of the official statue of Our Lady of Fatima. He called his journey to Portugal “a pilgrimage of thanksgiving ‘to the mercy of God...and the Mother of Christ,’” emphasizing that devotion to Mary points us directly at the heart of her son.

The closeness between Jesus’ Sacred Heart and Mary’s Immaculate Heart is so deep, so profound that it’s a mystery in every sense. The ultimate loving mother, Our Lady desires only to bring us to her son. Developing a devotion to her, through the Rosary or spoken prayer, frequently invoking her intercession, and/or through total consecration to her, infuses our own lives with an earthly taste of her deep love for and union with Christ.

Humility, forgiveness, rest: an encounter with the divine. Mercy abounds in countless, varied experiences of Jesus’ love and, with intention and purpose, can bring his love into your engagement and marriage in a tangible way.

You're Still a Bride After Your Wedding Day, Even When You Don't Feel Like One.

STEPHANIE CALIS

I am living the days I used to dream about.

There were the afternoons lying on dorm room beds with my friends, imagining marriage and husbands and and lives full with family and romance and joyful chaos. There were the hours spent crying in the chapel after my heart was broken for the first time, and again after it was broken for the second time, wondering where the man might be whom the Father had chosen for me to love and sanctify from outside of time. There was the physical ache the first time I saw my now-husband hold his newborn nephew, pierced by the image of his arms one day cradling our own children.

And now, as the dust has settled on our newlywed days, as my wedding gown hangs in storage, all those dreamy idylls I’d prayed were my future have suddenly become my present. Thanks entirely to grace, dreams do come true. But just because they’re fulfilled, so prized I’d never trade them, doesn’t mean they’re without trial. Arguments happen, chores mount, babies wake you up multiple times a night.

For months before your wedding day, you have a project, a goal, an identity. You, a bride. If, in the aftermath of the celebration and honeymoon you find yourself grasping at a purpose or identity to cling to, you’re not alone.

It might be rooted in the sudden lack of projects and deadlines, in coming down from a period of intense emotion, in experiencing the transition and reality of living with your spouse, and perhaps even in relocation or pregnancy. We approach the altar at our wedding liturgies knowing we also approach the cross--unremitting sacrifice and the fruit of relentless love. Yet even in that knowledge, even with material matters aside and for those of us who shy from the spotlight, there comes a time in the days that follow where you’ve become a wife. The transition is so interior and personal that it’s not often talked about. And on the exterior, the adjustment to daily life together can be enough of a minefield to bring even the most transcendent wedding-day memories a little closer back to earth.

The first time I attended a wedding after we'd started our family, my son was six months old. I came with my husband, who was a groomsman, to the rehearsal at the gorgeous basilica where the Mass would be held.

At first tears came at the beauty of it all as I watched our beloved friends practicing their vows. A few minutes, later, they flowed even freer when I started feeling the sense that I was so far removed from being a bride myself. Simply put, I didn't feel like one anymore.

Months had passed since my own wedding, and as an overwhelmed first-time mama, that old feeling of newness and possibility seemed foreign to me.

It wasn't that celebrating with this couple made me jealous. I don't want all the attention surrounding me again or another wedding day for myself. It’s that the purifications of newlywed transitions, life’s demands, and new parenthood were, for me, such a sea change. It’s a change that sometimes reveals such an entirely different version of me that who I was when I first married can feel like a lost part of who I am.

Of course, life doesn't stop and become complete with marriage; it continues to grow and change as your family does, and that's good. But I felt torn. I want this life, this way of living my vocation, that's before me right now. Yet I also felt such a bittersweet sense that part of my old identity as a bride--and not just the sexy, carefree trappings of early marriage, but the actual essence of it--was gone. Even when a change is welcome and good and sanctifying, it’s hard feeling like it came at the cost of a part of yourself.

It's amazing, the graces that pour down during a nuptial Mass. The new husband and wife receive them to the full. And in their receiving, I'm convinced that just being in the presence of such tremendous grace works on the hearts of everyone in attendance, too. On our friends' wedding day the burden I'd been carrying seemed to lift. As I prayed before the Mass, I started feeling like bride and mother, newlywed and just regular wed, aren't either-ors.

I once visited a Theology of the Body ministry at their offices. One staffer and I started talking about his family, and when I asked if I could see a photo of his five kids, he told me he didn't have one in his office, "but here's a picture of my bride." Those words were imbued with such love and pride. How beautiful, how full of gratitude and praise, for a man so fully immersed in the trenches of his vocation to still see his wife in that way, not as the exact same woman he married, but as the woman he's grown more in love with as each new change has taken place in their lives.

Know this: married dreams brought down to earth are good; your calling specifically heralded at this moment in time. It’s okay to feel like your wedding is a lot to come down from, and that you walked into a new, unfamiliar version of yourself as you walked out the church doors. Imagining married life in broad strokes is easy and it’s dreamy, but it’s the subtleties life layers on that pave most of our road to holiness.

I used to imagine someday. Someday is now, and it doesn’t always mirror the ideals I once longed for, my younger self leaving the messier details out. Messiness is our humanity, and the Father sings the song of his love back to us, his children when it fades to the background: And I will betroth you to me for ever; I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy (Hosea 2:19).

You are daughter, sister, friend, spouse. Pursued, adored, and longed for by God and by your husband. Quite simply, you are a bride, always.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Elise's Wedding | How to Have an Intentional Lent as a Couple

SAVE THE DATE ... our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

Photography by: Meaghan Clare Photography

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Lent can seem like a very solitary time in the Liturgical calendar: we are called to examen ourselves and work on our habits that might not be the most helpful in our spiritual lives. However, Lent is an excellent opportunity for you to develop new, healthy spiritual habits as a couple as well as individuals.  Since Hunter and I are tying the knot this year, we decided to be more intentional about Lent 2017 than we have been in the past. 

I have to say, I don't have the best Lenten record...usually I falter in my Lenten resolution within the first couple of weeks! However, this year, I was determined to make Lenten goals that were 1.) Actually achievable 2.) Brought me closer to the Lord and 3.) Brought both Hunter and I closer to one another and deepen our faith together. We can all passively try to make a Lenten resolution while consuming way to much sugar on Mardi Gras (maybe I'm just speaking for myself here), but the key to a fruitful Lent isn't just to give up something for the sake of doing so. Lenten observance isn't for God, He doesn't need our sacrifices. Rather, Lent is for us, as Christians, to become more attuned to God in our daily lives and refocus our gaze upon His love. 

Below I've listed six ways to enter into a fruitful Lent with your signifiant other. You can choose as many items from the list as you'd like, just make sure to do so intentionally. Take some time to pray and listen to how the Lord is drawing you closer to Him this Lent. We've also included a beautiful download from The Anchor Theory that you and your beloved can use to plan your Lent. 

1. Sacrifice Something Together as a Couple: Hunter and I decided to sacrifice extra spending this Lent: no eating out or nights at the movies for the next few weeks. Sacrificing something as a couple is a great way to come together and offer something to the Lord, even if it seems small. It's an opportunity to replace something in your normal routine (eating out) with prayer and time spent together with the Lord. Make sure to intentionally set alternatives to the thing that you are giving up: instead of spending time in front of the TV together, resolve to say a rosary each week.

2. The Examen: Since "intentionality" is our theme for this Lent, we really wanted to make it a point to reflect on our daily habits and to become more aware of how we are making, or failing, to keep God as the center of our lives. The Examen is a prayer developed by St. Ignatius of Loyola and is a method to reviewing your daily routines and practices. I'd encourage you and your significant other to pray the Examen each night together. Take time for silence and individual prayer and then if you feel comfortable, share with one another your reflections for the day and how you plan to improve for the following day.

3. Liturgy of the Hours: It is important as lay people to participate in the life of the Church on a daily basis, beyond just Sunday mass. The Divine Office is a fantastic way to raise your heart and mind to God throughout the day. "The purpose of the Divine Office is to sanctify the day and all human activity" (Apostolic Constitution, Canticum Laudis). There is morning prayer, evening prayer and night prayer. Decide with your partner which time of day works best for the both of you to pray the Office. Hunter and I like to say night prayer to conclude our days together by surrendering the day's happenings to God. 

4. Bible Study and Stations of the Cross: I always cringe when I hear the joke made that Catholics don't know their Scripture! Lent is an excellent time for you and your beloved to delve into the Bible. There are great Bible studies available online but it doesn't have to be too complicated: decide to devote 10-20 minutes each day reflecting on the daily readings and or turning to a passage in the Bible and praying with Scripture. You can even practice Lectio Divina if you feel called to delve deeper into the Lord's words this Lent. Most parishes host Stations of the Cross each Friday during Lent. This practice is another great way to enter into the Lord's Word, especially as we anticipate His Passion and death. 

5. Service: As Catholics, we are called to the Corporal Works of Mercy: feeding the hungry, giving drink to the thirsty, sheltering the homeless, visiting the sick, and giving alms to the poor. Set some time aside in your calendar in the next few weeks to donate your time and resources to those less fortunate. Look to your local food bank or decide to put a few extra dollars each week in the poor box each Sunday for the remainder of Lent.

6. Blessed is She: Although this practice might be geared more towards a Bride, the Blessed is She Lenten journal is still a great way to intentionally grow in your faith this Lenten season! I have used Blessed is She's journals in the past and plan to do so this Lent. Their workshops are also awesome resources for you to deepen your relationship with God.  

What are your Lenten goals for the next 33 days? Share in the comments below! 

Download your Intentional Lent Guide HERE.

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About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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You Are More Than Your Imperfections.

CARISSA PLUTA

The Garden of Eden was, by no exaggeration, Heaven on earth. It was there in which perfect union between God and man existed and seen clearly in the union of Adam and Eve. But we know how the rest of the story goes: earthly paradise had a traitor in its midst.

Photography: Kassondra Design

The evil one, disguised as the serpent, convinced Eve to eat the fruit of the forbidden tree. He did this, not by forcing her and not because Eve was stupid or weak, but by bringing into question her identity as a daughter of God.

He says to her: ”You will not die. For God knows that when you eat of [the fruit] your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Eve, feeling lied to by her Heavenly Father, eats the fruit. Because of the voice of the serpent, Eve believes God does not desire her good. Eve eats the fruit because the serpent causes her to question the love God has for her. This questioning causes a rift in the union between God and man, and in turn between Eve and Adam. It is a rift we still often feel the effects of in our own relationships and in our marriages. 

I spent years of high school and college being reminded at various women talks that I am a daughter of God. But perhaps it was the “fluffiness” of the whole thing that stopped me from trying to gain a deep understanding of this knowledge: "You are the daughter of the King. You are a princess!" It’s not that being a princess sounded like such a terrible thing, but it sounded too much like a fairy tale to truly believe.

But I’ve only begun to realize recently that the uncertainty that accompanied my identity made it harder for me to hear God’s voice while the serpent’s voice came more clearly. When we are not grounded in who we are, it is hard to hear anything over the lies, over our insecurities, over our wounds; if you are not a daughter, the serpent says, you are nothing more than your imperfections.

And how often, then, do these falsities creep into our relationships, particularly our relationship with our fiancé or spouse? "I am so stupid; I can’t do anything right. How can he truly love me with all of my imperfections?" Our knowledge of self, the assurance of our identity, has to be the foundation of our relationships and marriages. 

When it is not, we give in more quickly to fear, to anger, to jealousy, and to distrust. We allow our peace to be taken and our relationships to grow a little more chaotic. We are easily annoyed by minor mistakes made or we compare ourselves to others. We are not open to receive love from our husbands, and giving fully of ourselves is made impossible. We eat of the fruit and the unity of our marriage suffers. 

Instead, ask for the graces that are your inheritance and glory in the knowledge that you are a daughter of the King of the Universe.

The Creator who formed the Earth with His hands, who painted the stars we see at night, who breathed life into man. That you are a daughter of the One who calls the sun to rise each morning and set each evening, and the One who commands armies of Angels. That you are a daughter of a Father who created you to love and to be loved by Him, of a Father who suffers alongside his children and who triumphed over death.

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About the Author: About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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It's Okay Not to Have a Picture-Perfect Valentine's Day.

STEPHANIE CALIS

From food to emotion to personal interactions, our culture prizes authenticity, even in instances like social media when that same culture places the authentic just out of reach. Yet authenticity does carry real weight when it comes to truth and self-knowledge. Knowing yourself is a way of understanding truth: the more you come to know God, the more he, the source of all truth, reveals you to yourself.

My husband and I have our differences when it comes to special occasions. Until recently, I’d find myself scrambling around at this time of year, trying to think of a creative gift and out-of-the-ordinary date to share with my husband, wanting to share with him something original that I myself would enjoy receiving. That I would enjoy.

In my eagerness, I tended to ignore or forget the fact that my husband simply isn't interested in many bells and whistles. He is quick to communicate his appreciation when I give him a present or propose a different way to spend our time, but I’ve ultimately come to realize those aren’t as meaningful gestures to him as others. Gift-giving is not my husband’s love language, and he is true-blue to his favorite hobbies.

What’s more, even without the threat of a single Instagram post in sight, he sometimes struggles to feel at ease with things that, on the surface, seem more like something fun a couple should do, rather than what they actually want to do. I admit that I used to perceive this as disagreeable, a sentiment purely for the sake of making a statement against the falseness that can accompany social media.  

In reality, the only statement my husband expresses in these preferences is who he is. And who he is is someone I have chosen, someone who fascinates me and about whom I still love learning something new. With time, I have found more and more contentment in our different viewpoints about Valentine’s Day and other celebrations, because joy is a fruit of putting another before yourself.

We have grown in self-knowledge, and from that knowledge flows peace. As a spouse, I’ve grown increasingly aware that the best gestures are the ones that feel most authentically us. It’s my responsibility to honor and fulfill my husband’s preferences when it comes to holidays and celebrations, just as it’s his responsibility to do the same for me. We are specific. We are known. We are loved.

It's an ongoing refinement, and I still struggle. Gift giving is one of my love languages, for instance, and as young parents I truly love the rare opportunities we get to vary our routine with a date night that’s not at home. But now it actually makes me happy not giving my husband extravagant gifts or planning elaborate nights out, choosing to do extra chores around the house and carve out time to spend together instead. In turn, he finds happiness in the occasions where we do go out for something fancier, knowing that I enjoy it.

The more I know and love my husband, the more I know myself.  Our lives are so shared that it doesn't feel possible to know one of us better without knowing the other. I am blessed by a man so intentional and discerning in his choices, and so comfortable and un-self-conscious in them, because that’s who he is. Like in the fact that for one anniversary, we got burritos from Baja Fresh and then stayed home for the night. My husband wrote a beautiful poem that made me cry. I love his quiet creativity and I loved the entire day. There are certainly times I wish we took advantage of more photo ops for our future selves, or that we documented some of the recipes we've tried or places we've gone. But on the whole, this is our life and these are our celebrations, and they feel peaceful and perfectly suited to us because they’ve brought us into deeper knowledge of each other.

And that’s the point. It’s not about whether it’s more praiseworthy to share a quiet Valentine’s date at home or a more photogenic evening out. The best Valentine’s Day for you and your beloved is the one best suited to your particular personalities and love languages. It’s about about how special occasions--and what they look like for each person’s heart--are telling. Revelations. You are specific. You are known. You are loved.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Newlywed Life | Consider a "Cocoon Period" After Your Wedding.

ANNE MARIE WILLIAMS

The priest who assisted my husband James and I with our marriage preparation shared two memorable pieces of advice with us. First, he told us to pray together every single day. Second, he encouraged us to observe a "cocoon period" for six months after our wedding.

Essentially, a cocoon period is a time to soak in married life with your new spouse, working to minimize overcommitments and develop habits of a shared life. As close as dating and engagement can draw you together, making decisions and plans as a married couple doesn't come automatically and takes time to get used to!

This is what our cocoon period looked like: we didn't sleep over at anyone else's houses during those first six months, but always came home together and slept in our own bed. We spent the majority of our time together, rather than me going out with my girlfriends or him going out with the guys as frequently as we had at times in the past. As part of the commitment, too, our priest suggested the rule that neither of us was allowed to go running to Mom (or anyone else) with problems or complaints. He told us that during this time in the cocoon, our marriage would be strengthened in order to then enter the world around us as a united force. 

We took this advice seriously, and truly found our first year of marriage was not so challenging as we had expected or heard from others. Spending a lot of time together led us to a lot of Lighthouse Catholic Media CD-listening, and we developed a habit of asking each other about something we'd learned each day. It also led us to a baby!

Honestly, though, for me that cocoon period was so key. James had been a high school football coach in the past, and I knew what the time commitment was. I was very afraid that if he coached during our first year of marriage, I would never see him. James's loyalty to the cocoon--and subsequent decision to take the year off from coaching--was huge in showing his love for me and commitment to our relationship as spouses. Having all of that time just spent in each other's presence, talking about anything and nothing and then spending some of the times just in silence, really has made me feel known by him. He knows so well the things that bother me or bring me great joy (M&M blizzards from Dairy Queen, for example). During that time, too, I like to say that my husband "loved me into" several changes, as opposed to arguing with or scolding me.

Another thing I learned during our cocoon period is that differences in temperament or habits aren't signs of incompatibility, but a call to greater knowledge of the other.

James doesn't share my urgency in resolving issues immediately. When I get upset with him, I tend to feel we have to talk about it right away, even if I'm not ready to speak reasonably at the time. Additionally, if I am really upset about an interaction with a coworker or acquaintance, my husband just listens and doesn't tell me to calm down or get over it. I feel so respected by his quiet, steady confidence that I'll come to the right conclusion over time, whatever it may be in a particular situation. It really makes me feel loved unconditionally; his affection and courtesy are not contingent on my behavior.

I'd like to share with you one tradition we incorporated into our wedding Mass, one that paved the way for our settling into marriage during the cocoon period. The marriage crucifix tradition comes from a town called Siroki-Brijeg in Bosnia and Herzegovina, which has no recorded divorces amongst Catholic inhabitants. In keeping with the tradition, a crucifix was carried in our wedding procession alongside the rings and bouquet for Our Lady. When we said our vows, we both held the crucifix.

The celebrant wrapped our hands together with his stole and said, "You have found your Cross! It is a Cross to love, a Cross to carry with you, a Cross that is not to be thrown off but rather cherished."

As our first kiss, we then both kissed the cross. That crucifix is displayed prominently in our home, as a constant reminder that if we abandon each other, we lose Jesus in the process.

Those sacrifices in our first six months as a married couple were big, like James's willingness to step back from coaching, and small, like my husband's willingness to vacuum the house or sweep the floors before I get home from work, knowing that I feel more relaxed in a clean house. In turn, I live out my love for him by drinking 2% milk instead of the skim that I grew up with and have given up certain foods I love as a fast, in petition for James's healing from a health problem. It's beautiful knowing our sacrifices for the good of the other are meant to mirror, albeit imperfectly, the sacrifice of Christ for his own bride, the Church.

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Anne Marie Williams is an ICU nurse from Springfield, IL. She met her husband James on Catholic Match in 2012, dated long-distance for two years, and were married in spring of 2015. A year and a half into the biggest adventure of their lives to date, they now have one son.

Elise's Wedding | Two Become One: How to Combine Your Spiritual Lives

ELISE CRAWFORD

SAVE THE DATE ...our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

Photography by: Meaghan Clare Photography

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When Hunter and I met in college, we were both undergoing a deep spiritual renewal in our faith. We were studying theology and philosophy at the Catholic University of America and fell in love with St. Thomas Aquinas, the Patristic Fathers and the wide variety of spirituality possessed by the saints.

My sophomore year, I helped establish a charismatic prayer group at CUA. Hunter attended and became a part of the community. We also had the blessing of living across the street from the John Paul II Shrine and the Dominican House of Studies, which hosted various talks and events. Needless to say, we were both greatly enriched spiritually during our college experience.

As we've moved on from Brookland to graduate school and into our careers, our spiritual lives have continued to develop and change. We've noticed over the last few years that Hunter and I tend towards varying forms of spirituality. I've continued to love charismatic prayer and meet the Lord most deeply when using the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Hunter encounters the Lord through intellectual pursuits and quiet meditation in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

Through the busyness of life in our early twenties, we've had to work through our developing faith practices and decide what they looked like with our changing and filled schedules. It has by no means been easy or perfect, but we've figured out several ways to blend our spiritualities so that we both feel like we are being spiritually fed. Below is a list of steps you and your future (or current!) spouse can take towards building a spiritual practice together that fits both of your personalities and needs. 

Assess Your Own Spirituality.

Our spiritual tendencies change over time. What you once enjoyed a couple of years ago, or even a few months ago, might not be how you encounter Christ now. Through the lay and married vocations, our roles in life are almost constantly changing. You might have taken a new job or become a mother. 

Take some time to evaluate your current spiritual needs: do you have less time for reading than you used to and need something that isn't quite as time-intensive? Have you moved and no longer live as close to an Adoration chapel as you once did? I found that after college I no longer was within my regular charismatic community, so I had to adjust to my circumstances. I became comfortable with praying by myself for shorter periods of time at the beginning of my day and found a group of young adults who occasionally gathered for praise and worship. Before you and your spouse try to combine spiritual practices, first know your own spirituality. 

Discover What's Out There.

There are as many ways that one receives Christ as there are as people on this earth. We each encounter Christ in our own unique hearts in a personal manner. The Rosary and Liturgy of the Hours are incredibly powerful spiritual practices, but there are many others out there as well! You and your spouse could join a lay community, begin the practice of reciting the Divine Mercy Chaplet or discern serving your local parish through volunteering.

Invest time in exploring the possibilities of how you two can practice your faith together. Take a look at your Diocesan website and see if there are groups or events you can attend to meet new people in your surrounding faith community. There's more out there than you think!

Find Spiritual Directors.

It is your responsibility as a fiancée to assist your soon-to-be spouse on his journey to heaven. This means learning of his struggles, joys, best qualities and worst qualities. As much as we are meant to walk alongside our significant other, it's also wise to note that sometimes you both need guidance from an older, more spiritually developed mentor.

Take some time to find individual spiritual direction for the both of you. You can ask a local friary, religious community or your parish, if there is a religious or priest who would be willing to be your spiritual director. Don't be intimidated! Start off by meeting once a month, get to know each other see if you are a good fit, and take it from there.

Learn Where Your Hearts Intersect.

Once you and your fiancé have spent some time getting to know your own spiritual tendencies and where you'd like to improve in your faith life, it's time to see where your spiritualities intersect and differ. Hunter and I joke at times that if we had turned to the religious life instead of married life, I would be a Sister of Life and he would be a Benedictine monk. I'm all about the spirituality of John Paul II, and Hunter loves monastic spirituality. I prefer community prayer, and Hunter likes solitude. However, over the years we've learned that we both love the Liturgy of the Hours and the Rosary. Our prayer life together has also been enriched through prayer over one another, something we do before we part ways. It's a beautiful way to bless your beloved with God's grace and pray for his or her intentions. 

Attend Mass Together.

Of course, attending Mass and receiving the Eucharist together is the most important part of creating a shared spiritual life. Even if you are not able to physically attend Mass together every weekend, there is a unity that you will find with your fiancé in the Eucharist. No matter if your spiritualities are very similar or they differ greatly, the Eucharist is the source and summit of our faith. It's the perfect common ground where you and your fiancé can worship the Lord as a couple and be enriched by his body and blood. Although Hunter and I strive to attend Mass together every Sunday, I always offer the Mass for our relationship and our future marriage even when we aren't able to attend together. 

What about you? Do you and your fiancé have similar spiritualities or are they polar opposites? Are you married and have discovered ways that you and your beloved have connected in your spiritualities?

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About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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Spiritual Resolutions for Couples

STEPHANIE CALIS

A few weeks into a new liturgical year, and a few days away from a new calendar year, are you feeling inspired to refocus or recommit to worthy habits? Whether or not you’re the resolution-loving type, it’s always timely to identify small--or big--concrete ways to enrich your spiritual life. And doing that through the lens of your engagement or marriage not only helps hold you accountable, but draws the both of you closer to the source of all Love. Here, a few ways to deepen your faith and shake up your spiritual routine:

PHOTOGRAPHY: EMMA DALLMAN AS SEEN IN JULIE + TIM’S BEACH-INSPIRED WEDDING

Drop by the chapel at the start of your dates.

Most parishes offer confession on Saturday afternoons. Before heading out for a dinner or date night, commit to visiting the confessional first, or even attending the vigil Mass afterward. At our wedding, my husband and I invited our guests to write us notes containing marriage advice or date ideas in lieu of a guest book. One couple’s recommendation has stuck with me more than any other: “Keep going to confession regularly.  If you keep your relationship with the Lord clear, you will be able to see better how to relate to each other.” Clarity is a gift; honesty is a gift. God’s mercy and the eyes he gives us to see are constantly, abundantly on tap, waiting only for us to choose them. Alternatively, make a holy hour or attend daily Mass together before a Saturday morning brunch date.

Implore the intercession of a new-to-you patron saint.

Creating your own litany of saints who’ve accompanied you on your spiritual journey--individually and together--is personal and special, offering comfort during hard times and and great joy during good ones. This couple’s devotion to Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, for instance, shaped their relationship so fully that their bridal party commissioned an icon of him to be blessed during the wedding Mass. If you’re looking for inspiration, try starting with our list of patrons for engagement and marriage; holy men and women whose lives bore witness to the married vocation’s particular awe-inspiring call to holiness.

Consider Marian consecration.

Our Lady, the purest, most radiant bride, invites women to see their strength, dignity, and the fullness of their life-giving femininity. She invites men to lay down their lives before beauty and mystery and to learn how to love a woman. Marian consecration, a formal promise of entrustment and devotion to Our Lady, is intended to tether us to our mother in heaven and, in turn, to the heart of her son: ad Jesu per Mariam.

I consecrated myself to Mary on the Feast of the Annunciation, according to St. Maximilian Kolbe’s prayers, in college and renewed it with my husband using Fr. Michael Gaitley’s 33 Days to Morning Glory a few years ago. The language of consecration speaks to themes of abandonment of one’s own will and of a holy slavery to the Blessed Mother, which might sound intimidating. Yet truly, the fruits of surrender to her will for us, a loving protection that wills only good things and intimacy with Christ, have borne such abundance and deeper trust in my life and my marriage--in good times and in bad.

Choose a spiritual book to read together.

Spiritual reading is sometimes best digested in small portions and through conversation. The Church is rich with both theological and practical classics on love, marriage, and virtue that can be worthy companions for your engagement and beyond. For starters, consider one of Elise’s hand-picked book recommendations for couples.

Plan a pilgrimage.

Sometimes, a beautiful new spot, and the anticipation of visiting it, is just the ticket for shaking up your routine and awakening a spirit of renewal in your prayer life. This directory of shrines and holy sites in the U.S. is a fantastic resource for getting started, and after you’ve chosen a destination, spend some time researching nearby cathedrals, chapels, restaurants, and other stop-worthy locations in the area to add dimension to your day. Bring along a journal to write in together, create a special playlist for the drive, and consider going social media-free for the duration of your visit.

If spiritual resolutions have been on your mind, as well, we’d love to hear what they are in the comments! Tell us; what are your plans for your relationship and prayer life in 2017, and are there any practices you’ve already adopted that have blessed your romance?

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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An Encounter With Beauty: Thoughts on TOB, Art + Marriage with Artist Michael Corsini

In anything created there resides a spark of the divine. Any work of human hands is due the Creator himself, a reflection of his perfect beauty. And creation brings forth life.

Life-giving, too, is our identity as man and woman, bride and bridegroom. We are the Father, the maker's most cherished creation, loved and willed into existence in a breathtakingly specific way. His children; his fingerprints.

Michael Corsini is a husband, father, artist, speaker, musician, and worship leader whose daily work and family life speak to the intersection of art, creation, and divine intimacy. A convert to the Catholic faith and former brother with the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal (CFRs), Michael's work is infused with the Theology of the Body.

At Spoken Bride, we strive to constantly pursue and share with you all that is beautiful, true, and good in love and marriage. When we recently happened upon one of Michael's sketches for a future oil painting, A Theology of Marriage, we found ourselves drawn in and had to find out more about the image and the artist behind it. Michael answered a few of our questions, and it's our honor to share his truly stirring thoughts on beauty, art, and vocation.

As a man whose life's work is to create, it's evident that your spirituality is informed by a love for beauty. How does this awareness of the beautiful inform your spiritual life, your marriage, and your family life?

Beauty is the theme of my life and is always surprising me. I find that authentic beauty is very elusive, and because of our human condition, it takes effort to seek it out.

But when it’s found, I think the most startling thing is that it has the ability to affect a radical response from human beings. I mean, beauty can make a man lay down his entire life and reveal to him a personal, unrepeatable mission that he willingly gives himself over to at a profound cost. Beauty makes you want to continually be in its presence, and it impels you to act.

Beauty is special too, in a way, for the artist. In my experience, the artist can only make himself available and open so that beauty can be received as a gift, without grasping it, and trying to make it into his own thing.

I think that marriage, the spiritual life, kids, it’s all like this. It’s all about the encounter with beauty, whether we are ready for it or not, whether we respond or not.

Because beauty is so humble, the scary thing, I think, is that it can be easily missed. Something so beautiful can be right before us and we miss the chance to let it enter in and change us. Mercy. Imagine being in Bethlehem two thousand years ago, walking down a dusty street and you nearly bump into a very tired young couple holding a newborn. They are poor, but have a quiet joy in their eyes. It would be easy to pass by and never give it a thought. This is what I mean. There in that moment passes the Source of all beauty, and it’s so small. This is also a source of pain in the heart of the artist. I am aware of my lack of awareness. I think in a way, the whole Christian life is a gradual opening up of the person to beauty.

You hold an M.A. in Sacred Theology from the JPII Institute, work at the JPII Shrine in Washington, D.C., and have several upcoming projects related to the Theology of the Body. Do TOB and the topics of marriage and family have special significance in your work?

Theology of the Body has not only held a special significance in my artwork, but even more so in my life. It is a gift that has illuminated my vocation! In all the most difficult moments of my reaching toward God to know my vocation, Saint John Paul II has been a father to me. Jesus' title of Bridegroom, and the gradual discovery that Christ wished to live his life in me, showed me the intersection of the desires of my heart and His own. Christ actually desires to live his life as Bridegroom in me!

My work is a kind of gathering up of my whole life journey and discovery, which includes these beautiful insights and inspirations as well as all my doubt and sin. When I work or sing, I feel myself alone before God and also part of the great mass of humanity, in all its present condition, reaching toward God. I am very interested in what modern man needs to hear from the Church at this particular moment in time and in the specific questions we pose to God and to ourselves.  

I think TOB gets at this more concretely than anything else as a re-presentation of the faith. A true new evangelization.

Your "Theology of Marriage" tryptych features scenes from our Fall and our redemption in the Gospels. We're eager to delve into the images and symbols you've used! Tell us more?

The central panel is key to reading the entire image. This is the image of the life of the Bridegroom and the Bride. The veil is torn open, and we see into the central mystery of the faith. Christ is on the Cross, pouring himself out. The Bride--Our Lady and the Church--receives this life. Her body is in the form of a chalice.

Through the Cross we see into the mystery of Heaven: the great fruit of the sacrifice. 

The idea is to show an immeasurable multitude in order to express the great fruitfulness of the Bridegroom and the Bride: children! Blood and water flow from the side of Christ and spill into the side panels. Husband and wife are shown giving themselves to one another adjacent to the image of the last supper, where Christ gives his Body and Blood to the disciples. Both are an image of the total gift of self.  

The side panels are an account of redemption history and are also read in light of one another. The left panel begins (top to bottom) with the creation of Adam in his solitude, the Original Unity of Adam and Eve, the Fall (turning from God and one another), the dysfunctional experience after the Fall (manifest as grasping and a lack of eye contact), and finally an image of Shame.

The right panel begins with the fall of David and his repentance. It moves down to the marriage of Tobias and Sarah. Here reading the panels in light of one another (from side to side) you see Eve reaching to the serpent and Adam to himself. Tobias and Sarah, in contrast, rise from their marriage bed with incense ascending to God, in order to extend themselves together to the Father. Redemption also lies in the Annunciation. The image of Our Lady receiving the indwelling Word--without grasping--is the redemption of Adam and Eve's moment of grasping through one another at the forbidden fruit on the left panel. The final image on this right panel is the Nativity.  I think this moment is profound; the revelation of the face of God! Here Joseph and Mary are present at the birth of Christ, in purity, seeing God face to face.  

You are a convert to the Catholic faith, spent five years with the CFRs, and are now a husband and father. Care to share your conversion, discernment, and love stories?

When I was in college I had a profound encounter with a painting called the “Blue Madonna.” Long story short, I--who was not Catholic--had a loose understanding of who Mary was, but I found myself in the Ringling Museum weeping at the beauty of this woman. She led me out of an addiction to pornography and straight into the Church. Dostoyevsky said “in the end, Beauty will save the world.” This moment was a true example of his words.  

With a healing like this, I was zealous. Within two years I had joined the CFRs, which was truly one of the great blessings of my life. Though I loved my brothers and the life, I struggled through novitiate, and every year of temporary vows I wondered how to reconcile the increasing and specific desire for marriage welling up in me.  

I met my wife, Jessie, while I was a friar. She had been volunteering with the community long before I joined, and I was assigned to the Youth Center in the South Bronx for about six months where we served together. But soon I was off on another apostolate, where I was to remain for the rest of my years in the community.  We saw each other only occasionally during that time but remained friends. Jessie really had no idea what was going on with me and my discernment.  

She went on a pilgrimage to Medjugorje, found a white rose made of cloth, and received in prayer that it was meant for me, this religious brother she knew. As you can imagine, she was terrified to give a friar a rose…so she didn’t. For over a year and half! Meanwhile, I had been praying for a sign.

I was getting desperate for a concrete expression of God’s will. I had asked for a red rose to signify I should pursue the priesthood, and white, marriage.

Thinking how silly it all was, I was still hoping for the white. One of the friars, whom Jessie had confided her rose story to, told her she had better give it to me, because it didn’t belong to her! And so she did. That moment is precious to me. I knew what it meant, and she didn’t. I was overjoyed, and she saw that in me immediately. After I left the community, Jessie and I quickly discovered we had been living truly parallel lives during those five years and that in God’s beautiful providence he wove our lives together. I am continually grateful, even for the suffering of discernment.  

Even for the less artistic among us, can you suggest any resources or concrete ways to cultivate beauty in one's relationship, marriage, and vocation?

How about a farming analogy? I find it fascinating how many times Jesus used references to farming and agriculture to illuminate deep truths about God. In my family we do a little homesteading. It’s our great desire to live that life more intensely, more full-time, so the image of cultivation is very dear to us. We find in this way of life a deep unity with our vocation to marriage. There are many things here that will die or be severely injured if we don't attend to them daily--and not just our kids! It’s a kind of openness to life that is also an openness to being frequently inconvenienced by another being.

Perpetual awareness of weeds growing, produce which needs to be picked at the right time, and providence: to cultivate beauty in our marriage and family, we need to first prepare a place for it.  

And I recommend picking up something on TOB, even if the original text is too daunting. Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West is a good one!     

And lastly, we'd love to hear any wedding input from a groom's perspective! What piece of wedding planning or newlywed advice would you like to share with Catholic couples?

My wife and I didn’t sweat the details too much. We kept our wedding day pretty simple and focused on giving ourselves in the Sacrament. Most of our attention was toward making the liturgy beautiful, and to that we are indebted to many of the Friars and Sisters of the Renewal. We delegated a lot of details to trustworthy friends and family and let a lot of it go. It was the most beautiful day.  

I want to end with the words of St John Paul II, a true bridegroom of the Church. This is the best marriage advice I have heard.

“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.

It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.” ~ (Pope St. John Paul II, World Youth Day – Rome, August 19, 2000)

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About the Author: Michael's latest musical release, All Things Hoped For, was recorded live as an Advent worship meditation and is now available. Listen to it here.

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Editors' Picks | Vol. 4: Our Christmas Gift Guide

At Spoken Bride, we love a good book, a good meal, a standout statement necklace, a heel you can dance in, and the list goes on. And when we make those discoveries, we want to tell everyone. So every month or two, we're sharing our latest and favorite finds in everything engagement, wedding, and honeymoon related.

This month, we're pleased to share with you a few of our favorite finds for your family, friends and wedding party members, and of course, for your beloved, as the Christmas season approaches.

Elise, Social Media + Marketing

For Your Sister: Hatch Prints Joan of Arc Print or CraftMonkee Ring Cone. I love this image from Hatch Prints! I hope it reminds my sister to conquer each day with grace and courage. Is your sister newly engaged? The ring cone is sassy and something different. It's a perfect spot for her to rest her bauble after a long day of showing it off to friends!

For Your Mom or Mother-In-Law: Terrain Chef's Kitchen Gift Set or Linnea's Lights Diffuser. Terrain is an awesome place to shop for mom or mother-in-law! The Chef's Kitchen Gift Set is full of goodies for the seasoned chef. It's filled with fun ingredients like lavender balsamic vinegar for her to use in her cooking. Looking more for something homey? The diffuser in the Peony scent looks amazing.

For Your Godchild: Bitte Twill Apron and Kitchen Tools, Magnatiles, or Ele Story Tutu. Hunter and I love to spoil our goddaughter, Lily! It's so difficult to narrow it down to just a few gifts to give, we came up with a list of some really adorable items. For the little cook, the apron and tool set is perfect for helping Mommy or Daddy in the kitchen. The boys I used to nanny played with Magnatiles and they never.got.old. And for your little princess, Ele Story's beautiful dress is just too cute to pass up.

Jiza, Co-Founder + Creative Director

For Him: SENSO Bluetooth Headphones. I give my husband all the credit for this gift pick. He uses his bluetooth headphones often: at the gym, on a bus/metro commute, on the airplane, while doing computer work, or even at home when he’s watching a war movie I am not particularly interested in while the children are sleeping. He uses them to listen to music, podcasts, and audio books, as well. These are noise canceling headphones, so if you ask your guy a question and he doesn’t reply, I promise it’s not because he’s ignoring you. It’s because you got him a great set of earbuds.

For Girlfriends: Sseko Designs “Brave” Necklace with interchangeable charms. I am a huge fan of supporting ethical and mission-oriented businesses when you can. Sseko Designs is a fashion brand based out of Uganda, giving job & college education opportunities to women of East Africa. Originally starting with sandals, Sseko has now grown their products to a variety of footwear, leather bags, scarves, prints, and jewelry. You can find the perfect gift for anyone.

For Family: Laser Engraved Cutting Board. Do you have a favorite family recipe written by a loved one? This would be a beautiful heirloom to give to your parents, in-laws, or anyone in your family. It's the perfect keepsake for everyone to enjoy.

Stephanie, Co-Founder + Content Manager

For fiancés or husbands: Experience-oriented gifts for the hard-to-shop-for. My husband frequently dislikes replacing anything until it's entirely gone or worn out, and gift giving is not his love language, two qualities that can make him hard to shop for. If your man is similar, I'll share my strategy of choosing gifts oriented towards a shared experience, rather than the material gift itself. I ask myself what my husband might enjoy doing together, then try to come up with gifts that could contribute to that. For instance, we love to make a special meal (well, second dinner) after our kids go to bed, so in the case of this example, a much-appreciated gift might be a new cookbook (Jerusalem and Baked are two favorites of ours) to work through together, along with a premium olive oil, alcohol, or exotic ingredient. Other ideas in this experience category include event tickets for a music or sports lover, equipment to take along on a hike and hot cocoa date for an outdoorsman, or a journal and spiritual book to bring on a pilgrimage together to a shrine or holy site.

For girlfriends: Paloma's Nest I AM NOT AFRAID bowl. I love to give and receive beautiful, indulgent items, the kinds of gifts you are thrilled to open but might never have bought yourself because they seemed too fancy or uneccesary. Gifts in this category can add simple life and pleasure into your routines. These handcrafted porcelain bowls from a family-owned company are just the ticket. Sized just right for storing jewelry or other small items, St. Joan of Arc's invocation on this bowl to Be Not Afraid is the perfect message for the women in your life. Be sure to check out the Wedding Shop on Paloma's Nest, as well. The company's ring bearer bowls can be used during your wedding Mass, and some of their inscriptions brought tears to my eyes.

For family: The Makeshift Gallery Family Tree. Your origins, traditions, and history become even more meaningful in marriage, when you and your beloved merge two families and, as you walk out of the church, take your first steps as your own new family. I love the rustic yet clean design of this custom print, available for four, five, or six generations back, with its image of the rings of a tree.

Andi, Public Relations + Vendor Outreach

For kids: Magnatiles, Lego, or Playmobil. I second Magnatiles! They are one of my family's favorite toys, requiring zero batteries, and kids can just build all day with them. Legos are another great option for infinite creativity and hours and hours of play. My kids also love Playmobil sets, which come at every price point from $5 and up. Boys seem to prefer the Historical sets, complete with Viking battleships, little armies, and scenes from the Wild West. My girls love the Fairy, Princess, and Preschool sets, and it's fun to watch them play out different scenarios with the figurines.

For girlfriends: Grace + Salt Maplewood Sign & Be a Heart Metal Mug. "But first, coffee." Two of my closest friends are coffee lovers. One is getting this adorable homemade sign from Grace + Salt for her coffee station, and another is receiving this mug from Be A Heart. My Dominican grandma always has her café in an enamel mug, so I try to share that tradition with the people I love.

For In-Laws: Local Food and Drink Baskets. Mine live out of state, so I love giving gift baskets filled with specialty foodie goodies that aren't available where they are. This year I stocked up at an authentic Italian market down in Little Italy, San Diego: imported noodles with fun shapes, bruschetta and a yummy mix to cover the pasta with, Italian spaghetti sauce, Pizzelles, Sicilian hard candies, and a California Chianti to top it all off. If you have a Trader Joe's nearby, they're an excellent one-stop shop for creating food gifts at any price point. My in-laws loved the infused olive oils from Trader Joe's we gave them last year, also part of an Italian gift basket.

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We love making new discoveries through you! Tell us; are there any special gift items you have your eye on this year? Any small businesses whose mission and products you've fallen in love with? Share your finds in the comments!

For more kids' gift ideas, don't miss our list of faith-inspired presents for Flower Girls and Ring Bearers.

5 Tips for Peaceful Holidays as a Couple.

STEPHANIE CALIS

For the first two years of our marriage, my husband and I were holiday vagabonds. We’d spend the days before Thanksgiving and Christmas driving four hours to our home state and staying overnight at two or more different homes, all while attempting to cram in a few hours with each of our extended families and old friends.

There’s a whirlwind nature to those days that my life lacks now--the arrival of our children has merited more structure and discipline--and though the rose-colored glasses of hindsight make me look back fondly on the facility we had to travel more frequently and spontaneously, I also distinctly remember wishing our holidays weren't defined by constant travel. We were able to visit everyone, go to bed whenever, make the drive back home long after dark. But we were also pretty rootless, missing out on opportunities to consider how we actually did want to define the season for ourselves.

Have you experienced this? Merging your life with your beloved's in engagement and marriage also means merging the lives of your families, for better or worse. Determining a moderate, healthy level of commitment to family obligations is a question that looks different for every couple and evolves through different phases of life. So does the question of how you’d like to form your own rituals as a couple and future family. To help you answer these questions and cultivate peace during this hectic time, we offer you these suggestions for navigating the holidays:

Boundaries don’t destroy freedom; they create freedom.

During the years my husband and I lived far from family, and before we had children, we were able to travel anywhere and everywhere, saying yes to almost every invitation, but we weren’t free. The feeling of needing a vacation from Christmas vacation was a major reminder that freedom didn’t mean the ability to take back-to-back road trips and pack our schedule to the brim, but the ability to accept or decline commitments with unburdened hearts, unchained to duty and calendars.

Giving of yourself is, of course, good and necessary. Relationships with your loved ones deserve your time and attention. When we overstretch ourselves, the quality of our relationships can suffer. After those first busy seasons, my husband and I decided we’d prefer to alternate spending our holidays with one family each year, not both. The times we stayed for two or three hours at one celebration before getting back in the car to drive to a second, we hardly felt time to be present with our relatives before moving on to the next obligation. We were putting in face time, but it wasn’t true quality time.

Arleen Spenceley writes, “[boundaries] keep what is hurtful, unhealthy, or needless out of the way. We are most free when we have healthy boundaries, not when we have none.” Just as it’s fruitful to judiciously draw a line with your social life, so it is with delicate or painful situations that might feel more prominent at this time of year. If you know the season will bring with it certain tensions or difficult relationships, bring to prayer the question of how you can embrace the challenge while protecting yourself--in some situations, that might mean entering into these tensions, and in some, that might mean avoiding them.

Anticipate points of miscommunication, and work through them ahead of time.

Making clear each of your expectations for how you’ll spend and divide your time, filling one another in on your families’ particular rituals, and creating a game plan for travel each go a long way in keeping you and your beloved on the same page.

Start your own traditions.

Traditions are special, and they’re comforting. Creating new ones that belong to the two of you grounds you in these busy months and shapes your identity as a couple. Need ideas? Buy or make an Advent wreath and incorporate it into your daily or weekly routine; my family lights the wreath every night during grace before dinner. Take up a prayer ritual like the St. Andrew Christmas Novena, which begins tomorrow, the O Antiphons, or a daily Rosary of only the Joyful Mysteries. Try out a few new dessert, cocktail, or meal recipes and reserve them for holidays-only. Choose a movie or book to experience each year during Advent or Christmas.

Identify ways to carve out quality time.

When you’re spending weekend after weekend at parties and gatherings, and when you’re staying over as guests with faraway family and friends, it’s easy to go for long stretches without any time as just you and your fiancé or husband. God willing, your time spent in groups and with family is fruitful and precious. Yet there’s value in knowing how extensive social time affects your unique temperaments and in nourishing your relationship accordingly. Even extroverts need time to recharge alone or with their beloved, so plan ways to do that. Choose a day to shelve all things party and shopping-related and go on a special date instead. Load up on podcasts or audiobooks if you have a long road trip ahead of you. Briefly duck out from your hosts to attend confession, Adoration, or a daily Mass together. Take a nightly walk during your stay with family.

Find peace in God’s will, no matter what.

Approach the season with a spirit of flexibility, and embrace times of stress, anxiety, or trial as your road to Bethlehem. St. Teresa of Calcutta constantly thanked God for her suffering, resolving if trial be the Father’s will for her, that it draw her closer into the heart of Jesus. Her holy example is a powerful reminder that the Father’s every whisper to us, everything he wills for us, is a mercy. In him resides our peace.

Know of our prayers for you this Advent. Tell us, what spiritual or practical strategies have helped you find balance during the holidays?

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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A Prayer of Thanksgiving.

From all of us at Spoken to all of you, Happy Thanksgiving! This day, not unlike engagement and marriage, reflects life's tensions: feast and fast, anticipation and its fulfillment, hunger and contentment--restlessness ends not in marriage, but in eternity. Know of our prayers for you in this sacred time and in this start of the holiday season!

Lord, we come before you in thanks. We are gifted and entrusted with freedom, with truth, with your bounty. You, who have poured yourself over us, bled and given everything all for love of us--to win us back and bring us home--we praise you.

We trust in your generosity, whatever that looks like in this moment. We ask only to receive. Fill us, Lord. All that is of you is gift, even when it doesn’t look anything like we might have imagined. Strengthen us in trust; let us receive you fully, that we may experience every act of the Father’s will as a mercy.

You are a God of abundance. And yet, we hunger. Let us embrace these aches through waiting, through restlessness, through uncertainty. You are permanence, Lord. Rest. Certainty. May we see this longing as it is, unveiled: our desire for communion, for eternity with you. May all our wanderings draw us deeper into your love.

In this season of home, of family, of breaking bread, let us live with our first home in mind, our identity as your children. Humbly we beg for the grace to sanctify each other, to return each other to you, Father. Sustain us in your body and your precious blood, that we may live with joyful anticipation of your heavenly banquet, the feast of your love.

The voice of mirth and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voices of those who sing, as they bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord:

‘Give thanks to the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for his steadfast love endures for ever!’

For I will restore the fortunes of the land as at first, says the Lord.

- Jeremiah 33:11

Newlywed Life | How a Diamond Taught Me How to Die

LINDSAY TREZZA

My husband Vinnie and I recently celebrated our first anniversary. Through all of the ups and downs of this first year together, I can say with 100% certainty that I love him more now than I did on our wedding day. Though the majority of this first year together has been incredibly sweet, my biggest challenge has been learning how to die.

Photography: Mary Katherine Photography, seen in Anna + Patrick | Pennsylvania Country Club Wedding

When Vinnie and I picked out our wedding bands a year and a half ago, we had a black diamond welded inside of each of our rings to remind us that in marriage, we must put the other's needs before our own. Simply put, we must die to ourselves. In times of struggle, I remind myself of that tiny black stone, reminding me of the vows I took to honor this through all of the good times, bad times, and downright inconvenient times.

Allow me to explain the “inconvenient” part: recently, we were presented with a last-minute opportunity to join my husband’s family on a camping trip across the country.  When he introduced the idea to me, I was anything but a happy camper. The trip was the very next day, and we still needed to book a flight. Also, camping!  “Can’t you go without me?” I pleaded. My needs swirled around in my head and flew out of my mouth like daggers. I wanted to stay home, save our money, sleep in our comfy bed, distance myself from mosquitoes, bears, and anything else with the capability to crawl on or eat me.  

In all my frustration, I was still reminded of the black diamond and what it symbolized. For the first time in this predicament, I put my needs aside and thought of what Vinnie’s were: to spend time with family whom he hadn’t seen in over six months, to adventure with his wife, who has never been camping before, to see beautiful sights, to wake up beneath gorgeous redwood trees.

So we booked our flights, packed our bags, and hit the road. When we were greeted at the campsite, I was surprised to instantly feel at ease. I ended up enjoying the hikes, fires, and meals, and I’d also like to point out that nothing crawled on me and I was not eaten by a wild animal. Only by grace, was I able put my needs aside in this situation and love my husband despite my fears. God met me in my fear, and blessed those days we'll cherish.

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Lindsay Trezza is the owner of Just Love Prints, a graphic design and watercolor shop. A lover kickboxing, finding treasures at yard sales, and frozen yogurt, she lives in a tiny town in Connecticut with her husband and family.

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Elise's Wedding | Our Favorite Marriage-Prep Resources

SAVE THE DATE ... our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

(Photos: Meaghan Clare Photography)

Over the last few years, Hunter and I have developed our own library of favorite marriage and engagement-focused resources. I'm excited to share them with you today in anticipation that they bless you and your significant other, as well. 

The Temperament God Gave You/ God Gave Your Spouse by Art and Laraine Bennett: These books by a Catholic married couple, one a licensed marriage therapist and one with a Masters in philosophy break down certain tendencies, virtues, and weaknesses particular to the four temperaments of classical philosophy, with a solid spiritual element added in. They were so eye-opening to me! Although Hunter and I both agreed not everyone fits perfectly into the four temperament profile, it's is definitely a great place to start understanding yourself and your significant other in a deeper manner. 

The Jeweler's Shop by Karol Wojtyla: Not to be dramatic, but this is, hands down, my favorite piece of literature of all time. I first saw this play performed during my sophomore year in college and have read it at least five times since. I even wrote a paper on it in graduate school! The future JPII's play focuses on three different couples, all at different stages of their relationships. I can't recommend it enough! 

Three to Get Married by Fulton Sheen: This was also a very formative book for Hunter and me. Fulton Sheen taught at our alma mater, Catholic University, and was a brilliant priest. He talks about the ins-and-outs of marriage in a down to earth way while still communicating the mystery of the sacrament. 

Amoris Laetitia by Pope Francis: Hunter and I are currently reading this encyclical with our marriage mentors. After reading just the first chapter, I was completely blown away. The Pope definitely gathers the wisdom of the Church while also discussing the hardships and challenges that couples and families encounter as they live and breathe their vocation.  

Theology of the Body Institute: I haven't attended a course at the TOB Institute yet but I've had several friends attend and they have raved about it.

Through the Bible and Catholic tradition, Theology of the Body explains that our bodies reveal the deepest mysteries of God and humanity. 

Wherever you are in your faith journey, the Theology of the Body Institute is an awesome way for you and your fiancé to grow in your understanding of God's design for your marriage. 

Called to Love by Carl Anderson: I read this book while attending the John Paul II Institute, and it's incredible. If you don't have the means to attend the Theology of the Body Institute, I highly recommend Called to Love as a great alternative. Carl Anderson is the Supreme Knight of Columbus and makes St. Pope John Paul II's teaching on Theology of the Body applicable and accessible. 

By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride by Alice von Hildebrand: This book has made me feel much less alone during my engagement! The format is an older Alice writing to a new bride, Lily. Lily pours out her heart to Alice about newly married life. Lily's problems, fears and excitement are relatable, Alice's words refreshing and encouraging. 

Beloved by the Augustine Institute: Beloved is a 12-week DVD and study guide series for engaged or married couples. This is a great resource for education if you are your fiancé are looking to go a bit further in preparing for marriage or improving your relationship. Although Hunter and I haven't gone through the program personally, it's come highly recommended by several friends. It looks incredible and I'd love us to go through it eventually. 

The Little Oratory By Leila Lawler: One of my favorite books that I've read during marriage preparation! Leila is the mother of a college classmate and runs the successful blog Like Mother, Like Daughter. In The Little Oratory, Leila discusses how families can incorporate liturgical living into their everyday lives through prayer and intentional living. There are also beautiful icon images included with the book that make for a beautiful beginning to your own oratory. 

I'd love to hear your additions to this list! What are your favorite resources for marriage preparation? Share them in the comments below!

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About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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Not for the Perfect: How I Came to Accept, and Value, NFP.

CLAIRE WATSON

I love being Catholic. My husband loves being Catholic. But unfortunately we aren’t always the pearly white beacons of holiness we aspire to be. Sometimes we curse at our phones when they don't work. Last time I went to Adoration, I ended up texting someone to come relieve me after an hour. Often, we are that brassy Catholic family that talks too loud and drinks green beer on Saint Patrick’s Day.

That being said, I do try to honor the faith. First and foremost, I follow my conscience. I don’t ascribe to blind acceptance of dogma, but I do give the Church a running start and try to understand her teachings, even when I initially disagree.

Image: Claire Watson Photography

Before I got married I was a virgin, and I was pretty proud of that accomplishment (I know; pride ain’t pretty). So when I got engaged and started learning about chastity within marriage, I was miffed. I thought,

I’ve waited 28 years to have sex. Now you’re telling me that I have to wait even more if I don’t want to pop a bun in this oven?! Not fair. And what about the fact that the time that I am most … amorous… is the time that I’m most fertile and therefore won’t be able to have sex with my husband? How is that okay? How is that not sexist and a barrier between spouses?!

With that mindset, I promised, despite my irritation, that I would give the Church’s position a fighting chance. My fiancé was on board, and we agreed we would read the Church’s reasoning, talk with couples that practiced Natural Family Planning (NFP), and come to a thoughtful decision before our wedding night.

As we trudged through thinking, reading, and praying, something weird happened. I started getting mad at other institutions instead of the Church: why have so many feminists decided disfiguring the female pattern celebrates womanhood? Why do we throw 14 year old girls on hormones but buy organic hamburgers (the risks of the Pill speak for themselves)? After I started asking questions, specifically about the Pill’s shortcomings, my heart was softened to the Church’s reasoning for avoiding artificial birth control. The Church’s reasoning seemed sound, but what made it stick for me was something else; something not typically associated with birth control.

The Catholic Church cares about sex. A lot. NFP is not about putting the kibosh on your sex life. It’s simply telling you to not separate sex and the possibility of fertility. NFP recognizes that God built a pretty amazing pattern into women--even if you’re not sold on NFP just yet, at least check out the science for the sake of nerding out. Women’s cycles have a pattern of natural, fairly predictable times of higher and lower fertility. Because it’s part of a woman’s design, recognizing it and using it is not a perversion of that design.

The Church encourages husbands and wives to prayerfully consider their lives and means before attempting to conceive. However, this also calls couples to recognize that sex is always a potentially creative act. NFP seeks to “reflect the dignity of the human person within the context of marriage and family life, promotes openness to life, and recognizes the value of the child. By respecting the love-giving and life-giving nature of marriage, NFP can enrich the bond between husband and wife.”

And while I couldn’t possibly get into all the ways I think NFP has helped our marriage, I will say NFP has made me feel incredibly empowered.

It keeps our lines of communication open and keeps our sex about sex--it makes me feel so icky when I hear sitcoms joke about sex as a bargaining chip.

Now then, on to the thing that made it all click for me. Something that may turn you off. Something that would probably irritate a lot of your Facebook friends. Stay with me…

Life is neither to be refused nor demanded.

I was already pro-life, and I was tenuously coming around on the birth control issue, but honestly, I had never thought of the “life demanded” part of the issue. The Church denounces In vitro fertilization for the same reason it denounces artificial birth control: because it separates sex and fertility. This matter includes everyone from gay couples who desire a child to traditional couples who mourn an inability to naturally conceive.

And my heart goes out to them. I cannot sweepingly, callously announce to you that every person engaging in IVF is simply stomping their feet and demanding a baby. If anything, the teaching that there are moral limits to achieving pregnancy is harder to swallow than the teaching that there are moral limits to avoiding pregnancy. Sex and fertility are connected, and they’re important.

As a teen, a poem from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet about the relationship between children and adults really stuck with me. Gibran explained that if children are arrows, parents are not archers; they are the bow. In my youth I pondered how this meant parents shouldn’t try to control their children’s destinies. But Gibran’s words come back to me when I now consider adults seeking to become parents: 

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you...

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow…

In short, we do not own our children and cannot command or deny their existence. This is the basis for both sides of the NFP spectrum. God intended for sex and conception to go hand in hand. To separate the two, either for achieving or avoiding pregnancy, corrupts his creation and intention. If one’s body is injured or has a defect, there’s nothing wrong with attempting to cure the body so that it can conceive--that is in line with design. But separating sex and conception rejects that design.

Though my body is my own, my temple was built by God. And even while sometimes I’d love to change some things about my body, it is beautifully designed. The fact that God gifted me with fertility and breaks from fertility is something I no longer take for granted. It turned out all the Church needed was that running start and open mind.

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Claire Watson daylights as an attorney in West Virginia and side hustles as a photographer. She and her husband run their parish youth group.

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