Distinctively Catholic Ways to Commemorate the Dead on Your Wedding Day

As you and your beloved prepare to become one, transforming into your own new family at the altar, matters surrounding your families of origin, and their roles in your wedding plans, tend to highlight the nature of your relationships for better and for worse. One particular wound that might rise to the surface of your hearts is the pain of loss: how can you come to terms with the absence of certain loved ones on your wedding day, and how can you commemorate and honor them, holding them in prayer, as you celebrate?

PHOTOGRAPHY: NICOLE SANDERCOCK PHOTOGRAPHY AS SEEN IN AMANDA + EVAN’S RUSTIC ROSE-COLORED WEDDING

Alongside thoughtful general traditions like lighting candles and displaying photos or albums of those who can’t join you earthside at your wedding, a distinctively Catholic approach to commemorating the dead could look like, first, intercessory prayer, and second, highlighting the uniqueness of every human person. Here, four ways to honor family and friends whom you’ve lost, while actively serving and praying for them:

Invite your wedding guests to pray for the dead.

Particularly if a loved one suffered before his or her death, it’s a common comfort to those left behind to consider that the individual is now at rest or “in a better place.” While, of course, we hold the hope of heavenly freedom for all those we’ve lost, as Catholics we also acknowledge that the road to paradise is merciful, yet just.

Your nuptial Mass presents an invitation to your guests not only to remember those no longer present, but to pray on behalf of their souls. In an In Memoriam section of your Mass program, or during the Prayers of the Faithful, consider writing a brief explanation of intercessory prayer and how it offers an opportunity to continue expressing love and charity for the dead, even when they are no longer with us. Here’s a sample passage from us that you're welcome to include in your text:

When it comes to heaven and eternal rest, Catholics put faith in God’s mercy and justice; that is, “All who die in God's grace and friendship, but still imperfectly purified, are indeed assured of their eternal salvation; but after death they undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC] 1030). Intercessory prayer is a form of petition in service of another: “In intercession, he who prays looks "not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" (CCC 2635). As we lift up our intentions at this point in the Mass, we invite you to pray on behalf of [names of those you’d like to commemorate], all souls heaven-bound in purgatory, and all those you have lost, that they might be made holy and enter into the joy of heaven, the Father’s eternal wedding feast.

Raise a glass to a close loved one who can’t attend your wedding in the flesh.

It’s hard to illustrate the reality and emphasize the special nature of each individual human person to those who didn’t personally know him or her, simply because every person is entirely unique and unrepeatable, containing fathomless depths and complexities. If someone you were particularly close to, such as a parent or sibling, is not with you in body on your wedding day, it can be painful to acknowledge that some friends and relatives of your new spouse will never know him or her in this life.

But you can put forth your best effort at bringing this person’s memory to life. Consider delivering a toast describing your loved one to both those who knew him and those who didn’t, expressing the joy you found in your relationship and its effects on you leading to your wedding day. Sharing a glimpse of special individuals gifts others with a revelation of who they are, in a specific, personal way, and what they’ve meant to you.

Carry or use a special item of your loved one’s on your big day.

This might be a sentimental or religious item, like a Rosary or piece of jewelry, but if such an item isn’t an easily available option, brainstorm other family heirlooms or special belongings that might invoke the memory of the person you’ve lost. Ideas you might consider are serving one of her favorite recipes as part of a dessert table, using her china or servingware for you and your spouse’s wedding cake, or displaying a collection of his or hers as part of your reception décor.

Offer the crosses of your engagement and wedding planning for the repose of the souls of those you’ve lost.

What if, among those who aren’t able to be present at your wedding, there’s an individual you shared a difficult relationship with? For those with whom you struggled or those who hurt you in this life--and even for those with whom you didn’t--there is mercy and redemption in offering your trials for their souls. Through a mounting to-do list, spiritual attack, and stress as your big day approaches, you’ll find joy flows from putting another before yourself. Pray for the repose and salvation of the souls of your absent friends and family, and rest in knowing none of your difficulties are meaningless.

We know and understand that significant life events tend to increase the ache of loss. Know of our prayers for you if you’re planning your wedding day without someone you always thought would be with you on the journey, and don’t hesitate to reach out if we can pray for you in a specific way. If there are particular traditions or practices you’ve taken up or included in your Mass and reception plans, ones that have borne healing or fond memories, we’d love to hear them in the comments and on our social media.

Writing Your Own Prayers of the Faithful

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

An audio version of this blog post was featured on our podcast.

Most of the elements of Catholic wedding liturgies are pretty set in stone, as they should be: the liturgy is not a human creation but a divine gift, and the structure and unity of the Mass reminds us of this truth. What many couples don’t realize is that, as long as you keep within certain guidelines, you and your fiancé are permitted to write your own prayers of the faithful for your nuptial Mass. Kristian and I ended up with 21 petitions (What can I say? I love intercessory prayer!), but I don’t think anyone at our wedding minded. In fact, a few guests asked me to share our prayers of the faithful with them after the wedding, so that they could use them during personal prayer.

Yorch Sans Fotografia

If you’re not familiar with the process of writing intercessory prayers, or the idea intimidates you, be not afraid! It’s not as difficult as it sounds, and below you’ll find lots of tips and even examples that you can copy and paste directly from this post to include in your own prayers of the faithful.

Before we get into specifics, there are two things to keep in mind when writing liturgical petitions:

Petitions should not be mini-homilies. Keep them short and sweet, and keep the tone prayerful vs. preachy.

Follow the Church’s preferred petition order: pray for the Church first, then the world, the burdened, the local community, the dead, and your personal intentions.

Let’s break each of those down:

Prayer(s) for the Church.

Every act of liturgical Catholic prayer (including the liturgy of the hours) is the prayer of the entire Church. Thus, it makes sense that we always include the Body of Christ in our general intercessions. The minimalist way to go is to pray a broad and general prayer for the Church, which is fine, but if you want to be a bit more specific, consider including some or all of the following:

For the Holy Father, Pope Francis [add your specific intention for the Holy Father here]...

For Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI [add your specific intention for Benedict XVI here]...

For all bishops, priests, and deacons, especially those present at this Mass [you can name them here]...

For all religious and consecrated men and women, especially [insert name of religious men and women among your friends and family]...

For all lay Christians, that through prayer, the grace of the Sacraments, and acts of charity, we might become more credible witnesses to our friends and family who do not know Christ.

For the healing of the divisions among Christians--that we may all be of one heart and mind as Jesus prayed we would be.

For all persecuted Christians, that they would be strengthened and encouraged by our prayers and advocacy.

Prayer(s) for the world.

As Catholics, we are called to love all of God’s creation, including people with whom we disagree, those we consider our enemies, the poor, the disenfranchised, our government leaders, and so on. For example:

For an end to attacks on human dignity throughout the world, especially human trafficking, abortion, pornography, economic injustice, war, and religious persecution.

For our government leaders...

Prayer(s) for the burdened. This one is pretty self-explanatory, and provides us with the opportunity to honor those who are suffering from sickness or other burdens among our families and friends.

For all of the sick, especially those in our families, that they would experience the healing power of Christ. In particular, we pray for [insert names of family and friends who are sick here].

Prayer(s) for the local community.

This is your opportunity to pray for your guests. Kristian and I focused on vocations, specifically the vocation to marriage.

For all married couples, especially those who are carrying heavy crosses, that they would receive the strength and hope that they need to be visible signs of Christ’s love in the world.

For all couples who struggle with infertility, that they would know of Christ and his Mother’s closeness to them in their suffering.

For all couples who are divorced or separated, that they would receive the grace of healing and forgiveness.

For all of those single men and women who are waiting for the fulfillment of their vocation, that they would receive the grace to live this time well, with the hope that comes from knowing that their lives are in God’s hands. [Note: My friend Anamaria included a petition like this in her wedding Mass, and I was so touched that she remembered her single friends that I made a mental note of it in case I ever got married.]

Prayer(s) for the dead.

This is a wonderful opportunity to honor those in your families who aren’t able to attend your wedding in the flesh. Many couples opt to name all of their loved ones who have died in recent years. Example: 

For the salvation of all of our beloved dead, especially [include names of deceased loved ones here]. May all of those who mourn their loss be comforted by the hope of the Resurrection.

Personal intentions.

This is where you have a lot of freedom to pray for whatever is most dear to your hearts as a couple, such as your family’s role in bringing you to this sacrament, your friends, former mentors, and of course, your own marriage. Here’s what we did:

In thanksgiving for Christina and Kristian’s parents, who gave them the gifts of life, love, and faith in Christ and his Church.

In thanksgiving for Christina and Kristian’s siblings, nieces and nephews, and extended families, whose love, prayers, and support throughout the years have been instrumental in bringing them to the altar of marriage.

For the intentions of the Dehan, Lyons, Jaloway, and Ruhnke families.

For all of Christina and Kristian’s former students, that they would become the men and women God created them to be.

For Christina and Kristian, that they would never tire of loving one another as Christ has loved us.

Yorch Sans Fotografia

We hope this guide is helpful for those of you who want to write your own prayers of the faithful, but aren’t sure where to start; please feel free to share it with all of the Catholic brides-to-be that you know. For those of you who are already married, did you write your own intentions or use the pre-written ones provided by your priest/deacon? We’d love to hear from you in the comments!

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Editors' Picks | Vol. 7: Registry Essentials

At Spoken Bride, we love a good book, a good meal, a standout statement necklace, a heel you can dance in, and the list goes on. And when we make those discoveries, we want to tell everyone. So every month or two, we're sharing our latest and favorite finds in everything engagement, wedding, and honeymoon-related.

Creating a registry can be a daunting task, especially if you're one of the first among your friends to tie the knot. Keep in mind that registering for gifts, as awkward as it may seem, is actually a gift to the family and friends who want to celebrate your marriage; a well-planned registry takes the guesswork out of gift-giving. We've compiled our registry essentials below, and hope they will be a helpful start to your list. 

Elise, Social Media Coordinator

Quality Serveware: Splurge on serveware! These are pieces that you’ll want to pull out for guests or special occasions. As a family, we are called to be a home for our community and a welcoming space for all of God’s people. Having nice servingware is a way to have fun with hospitality.  Whether it’s a cheese platter or a nicer serving bowl, go ahead and put them on your registry.

Experiences: Something Hunter and I have enjoyed exploring while setting up our registry, is having the option to add “experience” gifts to our list. Registries like Zola, allow you to put experiences such as a “Night Out on the Town” or a “Travel Fund” essentially act as gift cards. Multiple guests can contribute to the experience and give you and your fiance the means to have experiences that you wouldn’t otherwise.

Beautiful Artwork: Wall art isn’t usually something that you would buy for yourself, but it will definitely brighten your home and make it feel like your own special place. Make sure to include gorgeous Catholic art like The Annunciation by Henry Ossawa Tanner, Blessed Is She’s prints, or the 2015 World Meeting of Families Icon.

Christina, Associate Editor

It hasn't been long since I put together my registry, so I can honestly say each of these items is much-loved and much-used in our home. If you're looking for a convenient one-stop registry website, I highly recommend Zola. 

Instant Pot: I’ve always been a fan of my Crockpot, but the Instant Pot has knocked it right out of first place in terms of hassle-free cooking. Since Kristian and I got married, I’ve used the Instant Pot at least once a week to cook everything from soup to pulled pork. It’s like a Crockpot, but instead of waiting 8 hours to eat the tenderest meat of your life, it takes 45 minutes thanks to the fact that it’s a high tech pressure cooker. You can also steam vegetables (including potatoes), make yogurt, sauté onions and garlic before adding in your main ingredients...the list goes on.

Psalter for Couples: Kristian and I make it a point to pray together before we go to bed each night, and this Psalter has been a wonderful addition to our prayer life. The folks who publish the Magnificat have carefully chosen Psalms (each followed by a short prayer) for couples to pray together in different seasons and on different occasions throughout married life.

A high-quality set of knives: Growing up in a family where cooking wasn’t really a thing left me with little appreciation for a good set of knives. Now, thanks to lots of trial and error during my single years, I know that a high quality set of knives is essential if you want to cook efficiently and safely. For those nervous that the high price of a full set will scare people away from purchasing knives, consider registering for individual knives, or small companion sets of knives.

Stephanie, Editor-in-Chief and Co-Founder

Picture frames and photo printing credits: As my sixth anniversary approaches, I sometimes shake my head at the fact that I’ve never had a wedding album made--immediately following our wedding, money was tight and my husband and I couldn’t afford extensive album design and creation with our photographer. Quality wedding images are an investment, but they’re an instant treasure you won’t regret. Choose a set of classic, coordinated frames like these for easy display in your new home once you’ve received your photos, and speak with your photographer about whether he or she offers gift cards for album services that your guests can purchase, or for recommendations for high-quality print labs.

Family Bible: As you enter into the sacrament of marriage, a whole new sacramental life begins with the two of you. A beautifully crafted Bible like this one, with a special section to record those who participated in your nuptial Mass, along with, God willing, future Baptisms, First Communions, Confirmations, and your children’s vocations, becomes an heirloom record of a shared life in Christ.

Quality tool set: It’s not as romantic as champagne flutes or down pillows, but through moves, furniture (and maybe down the road, toy) assembly, and ordinary household tasks, a set of well-made tools will see you through countless instances you didn’t think you needed them for. My husband picked out this set by Stanley when we got married, and even now it gets at least weekly use and has held up great. I asked him about recommending tools, and from him to you, his advice is to choose quality over quantity: the biggest set isn’t necessarily the most useful, and the lowest price might tend toward a more temporary item than a long-term investment. 

Andi, Business Director

Lodge Cast Iron Skillet: I never thought I'd want or even use something like this, but here I am using it pretty much every day to make veggies, grilled cheese, and more.

Bath Sheets: I had no idea giant, cozy bath sheets ever existed before my husband Matt asked me to register for them. They're the best! We've had towels from Pottery Barn, Bed, Bath, & Beyond, and Macy's, but these are my absolute favorite because they are so soft.

Measuring Cups and Spoons: I've used these daily for almost 10 years and they still look brand new. They definitely hold up to the wear and tear of family life.

Jiza, Co-Founder + Creative Director

Cast Iron Skillet: You can't go wrong with a quality cast iron skillet. It's sturdy, versatile, economical, and has great heat distribution. I love how you are able to use it on the stovetop, for baking, or even outdoors for camping. And if you take good care of it, it will last you a long time.

Quality Flatware: When my husband and I were engaged and creating our registry, I teased him about how long he took selecting a silverware set. He went down the aisle, lifting the various forks and knives to see which ones had a good weight. I thought it was silly at the time, but eight years later, our silverware is still going strong, and anytime I reach for our set of Dollar Tree flatware from his single days, I notice a huge difference. Here's to spoons that don't bend when you're scooping ice cream! 

Items for your family oratory: Did you know you can create a Catholic gift registry? Religious art and some prayer books aren't exactly inexpensive. My husband and I created a Catholic gift registry for our wedding with Aquinas and More, and we were so thankful to receive some religious icons that otherwise would have taken some time and saving to purchase ourselves. When you get married, you're building the domestic church, so why not give your loved ones an opportunity to help create your first oratory?

We love making new discoveries, particularly from Catholic vendors--share your registry gift ideas in the comments or on our social media!

Elise's Wedding | 5 Ways to Thrive During the Last Few Weeks of Your Engagement

ELISE CRAWFORD

Save the date ...our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

Photography by Meaghan Clare Photography

I'm writing this at 11:30pm after a full day of work in D.C. with clients, calls with my team and giving a talk this evening to a group of women business owners. I'm tired. Physically, yes but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Wedding planning can be fun and full of exciting adventures, but what happens when it's....not? I think every woman who has gotten married can identify a moment in their planning process when she's thought to herself, "I'm so ready for this to be all over with and just be married already!"

There's no doubt when preparing to enter into the sacrament of marriage that you will experience some sort of spiritual battle; the Enemy trying to keep you from becoming the woman God has made you to be. I've been engaged for almost four years: that's a long time to be engaged in a singular battle! There are so many ups and downs when it comes to wedding planning and as your wedding day draws even closer, those waves of overwhelm can seem to come in faster and even more ferociously. 

No matter how long you've been engaged, I'm sure you can relate to the feeling of fatigue and burnout during the last few weeks leading up to your wedding. Below I'm sharing my five tips for thriving during your final days of engagement. Enjoy and feel free to leave your own tips in the comments!

Stay close to the Eucharist.

 As I mentioned before, I've definitely noticed an increase in spiritual battle or struggle as my wedding day draws near. They can be identified as small or feelings of discouragement and overwhelm or an increased tendency to lose your temper. The Enemy plays on your weaknesses, particularly as you are about to enter into the sacred bonds of marriage. Spend some extra time alone with Christ during the last few weeks of your engagement in order to remain focused. Although you are about to give yourself completely and freely over to another in marriage, Jesus will always be your first Love. Let him nourish you, love you and sanctify you as draw closer to Him. Amp up your prayer life. Although it might seem impossible to fit in anything else in your schedule, it's important to prioritize daily Mass, confession and quiet prayer even more intensely as your big day draws near. 

Write everything down.

 This might seem like an obvious task, but I didn't even think about mapping out the next couple of months leading up to my wedding until I was complaining to a friend about how I didn't even know where to start when it came to everything that still needs to get done. Of course I had thought about having a day-of timeline for my wedding, but now that August 12th is just weeks away, it's been incredibly helpful to take time to write out every little thing that needs to get done before our wedding day, then share it with my bridesmaids, mom and whomever else is helping us prepare. That way, I don't feel like all of the weight of wedding planning is on just my shoulders, and I can breathe knowing there are others who know what needs to be accomplished.

Spend more intentional time together as a couple.

Protect your relationship as a couple. This might sound defensive, but unless you intentionally schedule time with your beloved during these busy weeks, it's not going to happen. It's important to cling to one another during this time. You are both about to experience a life-changing moment together. Engagement is a time of new challenges and maybe unexpected difficulties. Whatever stresses, worries and fears that you are experiencing, these are opportunities for you to grow stronger as a couple. But you can't do that unless you spend time together! Set apart time each week where you do not plan or talk about your upcoming nuptials (or at least keep the wedding chatter to a minimum) and just enjoy each other's company. Take time to still get to know your fiancé and fall even more in love together. Cherish this special time.

Take time for self-care.

 As Nicole Caruso mentioned in our Bridal Makeup Tutorial, it's incredibly important as a bride to take time for self-care. It might be the last thing on your mind, but when you don't take time to prepare yourself, mentally, emotionally and physically, for your new life as a wife, you can fall into the trap of losing perspective. Make sure to schedule time for not only prayer, but doing things that you love. That can be working out, taking a yoga class, reading a book from your favorite genre, attending counseling, taking a bath with your favorite bath salts or getting a massage. I'd highly recommend journaling during this time as well. Journaling helps me assess where I am emotionally and spiritually. Whatever self-care means to you, take time to do something just for yourself and relax. 

Let it go.

 In the words of Elsa, let it go. During your final weeks of engagement, remain focused on why you're getting married in the first place. You are being called into a sacred union with your beloved and Jesus Christ. Along with your to-do list, create a list of things that you are okay with not getting done before your wedding day. These might be last-minute DIY projects or fun ideas that just aren't getting executed. It's okay if not everything comes together as you had imagined. Your wedding day is just one day and at the end of it, you'll be married, which is all that matters!

Let go of any pressure that others, or you, are putting on yourself and go with the flow. If the florist doesn't get your order quite right or the ring bearers' suits aren't the perfect color, it's still going to be a beautiful day. Enjoy these last days of being a bride and soak up every moment. It only happens once! 

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About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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I Dos and Don'ts: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | Organizing Your Vendors + Downloadable Contact List

ANDI COMPTON

Andi Compton, our Business Director, planned her own birthday parties as a girl, spent hours making wedding collages as a teenager, and worked at the largest bridal store on the West Coast during college. She eventually answered the call to turn her organization and creativity into a business, Now That’s a Party, wherein she coordinates weddings primarily for Catholic couples.

Over the upcoming months, Andi will be here to guide you through your planning and share her insights from the wedding industry, from engagement all the way through newlywed life. Consider it an open invitation to ask your wedding planning questions in the comments and on our social media!

We've talked vendor interviews and booking before in this series. Now let's get you a system for organizing them. 

As you're working hard researching and interviewing vendors, signing contracts and paying deposits, it's so important to keep track of everyone you've hired. By filing in all the vital contact details, you'll be able to find your photographer's phone number when you need it, or have your floral designer's address at your fingertips when it's time to write the final balance check.

Don't forget to keep all of your contracts in one place, preferably a binder or folder. Whether a coordinator or a family friend is running your wedding day, the info you provide will let them know exactly what is expected of each vendor. 

Download your free copy of our Vendor Contact List, covering everything from initial bookings through post-reception arrangements for you and your new husband, right here.

Happy Planning!

Download your copy of the Vendor Contact list

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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The Importance of Healthy Boundaries During Wedding Planning

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Wedding planning is stressful no matter how you slice it, but when you throw two different extended families into the mix, things can get…complicated. The mother of the bride wants everyone dressed in tuxes and evening gowns, while the mother of the groom insists on a more casual dress code. One side of the family isn’t Catholic and doesn’t understand why the wedding party can’t break out the bubbly right before the wedding Mass. Or perhaps the guest list is the bone of contention: one set of parents insists on everyone being invited—budget notwithstanding—including that friend-of-the-family you haven’t seen since you were two years old.

What some couples don’t realize is that there is an emotionally healthy and charitable way to keep these potential conflicts. By setting clear boundaries with both of your families, you’ll not only avoid wedding planning drama (and the tears that accompany it), you’ll also be setting the tone for your future interactions with extended family.

Be realistic about how much autonomy you and your fiancé can expect during the planning process.

If your parents are paying for some or all of the festivities, you probably can’t reasonably insist on having complete control over the details—especially when it comes to the reception. Think of it this way: this is your parents' gift to you. Normally, we don’t get to choose the gifts that others give us; we simply accept them, even if they’re not exactly what we wanted. No matter how frustrated you may get during the planning process, remember that at the end of the day, you and your husband will be married, which is what matters.

That said, if you want total control from soup to nuts, you’ll need to pay for most everything yourself (like one of our recent contributors, Katie, and her now-husband did). This may not be an option for young couples who are getting married right out of college or grad school, but it’s definitely something to consider if you and your fiancé have been working in the “real world” for a few years.

Communicate clearly from the beginning.

Figure out what you’re willing to compromise on, and what’s non-negotiable for you and your fiancé, and discuss it with both sets of parents as soon as possible. A face-to-face meeting of some kind (FaceTime counts) is preferable, as emails can be easily misinterpreted. Make sure your parents and future in-laws know how much you value their support and input, but make it clear that there are certain things you’re not willing to budge on—especially when it comes to the nuptial Mass. This will be particularly important if one set of parents isn’t Catholic.

Remember that you’re laying the groundwork for your new family’s future.

After you get married, your primary family unit is you and your husband, not you and your family of origin. This is a tough transition to make, especially if you’re close to your family or are still working on establishing healthy boundaries with them. Think of engagement and wedding planning as a trial run for newlywed life, when parents and siblings may struggle to accept that your primary roles are not daughter/sister anymore. You and your future husband are a team, and the more you act as a team while engaged, the easier it will be to set healthy boundaries with your families in the future—especially if you have children.

Don’t be afraid to say “no” (charitably).

Christian charity is not the same thing as being a doormat. Yes, it’s difficult to say “no” to your well-meaning family members (or future in-laws) when they offer their opinions, advice, or assistance, but there is a kind way to do so. The key is to thank them whole-heartedly for their suggestion, and calmly explain that you and your fiancé have already decided to go in a different direction.

Enlist your fiancé's help.

Your fiancé is your biggest ally and can encourage you as you try to establish boundaries, especially with your own family. Make sure you keep him in the loop as much as possible, so that he can call you out if he sees that boundaries are being crossed in either direction. On the flip side, be sure to let him know if you feel like he needs to work on boundaries with his family, especially if you feel as though he is prioritizing his family’s feelings over yours.

If you want to learn how to establish healthy boundaries, consider discussing the topic with a pre-martial counselor in your area. You and your fiancé may also want to check out the following books as part of your marriage preparation:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody

Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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I Dos and Don'ts: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | The Booking Phase of Your Engagement

ANDI COMPTON

The booking phase is one of my favorite parts of wedding prep because after all your initial dreaming, you finally get to assemble a team to bring your vision and all your plans to life.

If you’re following the phase approach to wedding planning suggested in this series, you’ve already solidified many budget-related matters. As you move forward into booking, bear in mind that “affordable” is not a number. I see lots of requests online for brides seeking an “affordable” florist/coordinator/photographer, and frankly, affordable means something different to each couple.

Know how much you are willing to spend for each vendor, and be honest and up front when asking for recommendations. It’s much easier for a friend or coordinator to give you a recommendation when you ask “Do you of any local wedding photographers who cost less than $3,000?” than “Do you know of any affordable local photographers?”

Here are three tips to guide you as you research, interview, and hire vendors:

Order matters.

Certain categories of vendors tend to book a year or more in advance. This is generally limited to vendors who can only handle one event per day, or to those who are extremely popular in their area. Examples might include reception venues with only one event space or independent wedding photographers who are not part of a larger company. Prioritizing a particular order helps you focus, so you can assemble your dream team one vendor at a time.

First Priority:

Church

Reception Venue

Wedding Coordinator

Photographer

Caterer

Wedding Dress

Second Priority:

Videographer

Rentals (chairs, tables, linens, lounge furniture)

Florals

Ceremony and Reception Musicians

Bridesmaid Attire

Stationer

Cake/Dessert Baker

Hairstylist

Makeup Artist

Menswear

Third Priority:

Transportation

Seamstress for Alterations

Lighting Designer

Bartending Service

Rehearsal Dinner/Morning After Brunch Venue

Keep in mind an exception to this list: if there is a vendor in any category that you really want to work with, prioritize them in your budget and book them as early as possible.

Scroll down for download link. 

Limit interviews.

Limit yourself to interviewing 1-3 vendors per category. By all means, research as many individuals as you’d like, but only take the time to meet with those who are within your budget and whose product or service you truly like. It can quickly become overwhelming to interview 12 different photographers and try to remember each of them and the communication you’ve had. For some, the constant need to research and meet with vendors can become addicting, so strive to be aware of the possibility, know yourself, and slow down if you find yourself obsessing over anything. Click here for Elise's suggested interview questions for major vendors.

You aren’t booked until you sign a contract.

Even if a vendor has sent you a proposal, to which you’ve sent an enthusiastic response, you have not officially booked them until you’ve signed a contract and put down a deposit. Vendors often have many couples seeking their services for the same date. Depending on their policies, some might offer a few days to make your decision; others work with whatever couple submits their contract and deposit first. When in doubt, ask what a company’s booking policy is!

As our gift to you, we’ve created a free printable checklist for the booking phase to keep all your vendor details in one location. I highly suggest keeping a two inch binder with these sheets, along with a hard copy of each of your contracts.

Happy Planning!

Click here to download the Booking Checklist.

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party, where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Editors' Picks | Vol. 6: Bridesmaids Gifts

At Spoken Bride, we love a good book, a good meal, a standout statement necklace, a heel you can dance in, and the list goes on. And when we make those discoveries, we want to tell everyone. So every month or two, we're sharing our latest and favorite finds in everything engagement, wedding, and honeymoon-related.

If you choose, your wedding party has the potential to be so much more than the friends and family members who join you on the altar and circle around during your first dance. These men and women can be powerful, loving intercessors during engagement and throughout your marriage--for that, and for all their assistance and investment preparing for your big day and standing next to you as you say your vows, they deserve a worthy thank you! Today we're sharing some of our favorite gifts for bridesmaids.

Christina, Associate Editor

When purchasing gifts for my bridesmaids--who were all close family members--I tried to give them something that they could use and enjoy beyond the wedding day. I ended up putting together gift bags with the following four items, and my bridesmaids loved them.

Anthropologie House & Home items: I got each of my bridesmaids a personalized mug except for my cousin, who got a candle--she has limited cabinet space and had mentioned to me before that she didn’t want anymore mugs. Anthropologie is my go-to for this kind of thing, and my secret to keeping costs down is to scour the sale section. Candles and mugs are often on sale for as little as $6!

Literary Heroine Bookmark: All of my bridesmaids love to read, and although they’re not all quite as nerdy as I am, I knew they’d appreciate one of these darling bookmarks from Carrot Top Paper Shop. Each got a different heroine, although I couldn’t resist giving my sister Elisa, my Maid of Honor, Anne of Green Gables and Hermione.

Earrings: Each of my bridesmaids wore a different, self-selected dress, so I decided to get them all similar earrings to pull everything together on the big day. As much as I wanted the gifts to be a surprise, I also wanted my maids to like their earrings enough to get post-wedding wear out of them, so I asked each about their preferred style of earring and got them all at Anthro, which I knew would be a hit.

Letter of gratitude: By far my favorite part of the bridesmaid gift bag was the personalized thank you notes that I wrote to each of my maids. Each of them is so precious to me, and since I’m a Words-of-Affirmation gal, I couldn’t help telling them so on my wedding day. I knew I wouldn’t have time to sit down with each of them before the wedding and pour my heart out, but a letter is the next best thing. I chose cards from Papersource that reflected each of our relationships and spent time in the weeks leading up to the wedding crafting well-thought out letters of gratitude to my two sisters, sister-in-law, and cousin-who-might-as-well-be-a-sister. It was one of my favorite parts of the wedding planning process, and I’m so glad I took the time to do it.

Elise, Social Media Coordinator

Plum Pretty Sugar Robes: I'm excited to be gifting my bridesmaids with these comfy robes for all of us to wear as we get our hair and makeup done the morning of my wedding! It's the perfect way to make your bridesmaids to feel pampered and comfortable during prep time, and always fun to match with your best girls!  

Customized makeup bags: These bags would be perfect for holding personal makeup while prepping for the wedding. Bonus: this bag can double as a clutch for your bridesmaids throughout the wedding day. Hello makeup retouch en route to the reception! 

Holy Family medal: A small medal of the Holy Family, the Blessed Mother or each bridesmaid's patron saint is a thoughtful way for you to add a spiritual touch to your wedding party gifts. If you want, you can have the medals blessed and even pray with them in the weeks leading up the wedding, before gifting them to your bridesmaids. 

Stephanie, Editor in Chief + Co-Founder

Mystic Monk Coffee or Tea + Brick House in the City Mug: Depending when in the day your wedding is, your getting-ready time can be anywhere from before dawn to a somewhat normal breakfast hour. Either way, ease into hair, makeup, and photos by treating each of your bridesmaids to her favorite hot drink. A box of gourmet coffee or tea--Mystic Monk is delicious and supports our Carmelite brothers in monastic life--along with a mug to remember the day by, elevates a normal morning ritual into a time worth remembering. One of our brides designed mugs as a favor for her guests; I also love this one from Brick House in the City, a Catholic-owned small business!

Naves Design Clutch: Between pajamas or getting-ready outfits, shoes, makeup, accessories, snacks, chargers, emergency items, and beyond, every bridesmaid has plenty to carry over the course of a wedding day. A pretty clutch, like this handmade one, helps your ladies keep their essentials close at hand through traveling and photo ops, and a metallic or neutral shade is classic and versatile enough for long after the big day.

Makeup brush set: If you’re all doing your own makeup, quality tools feel like a treat and can ease and simplify application. A set of brushes is the kind of item I’d never think to buy for myself, but would love to receive as a gift, one I know I’d frequently use. This budget option from EcoTools and this higher-end option from Too Faced each boast good looks and come well-reviewed by beauty-savvy women.

Andi, Business Director

Pretty Please Custom Nail Polish: Toss a fun shade of nail polish into a bag with some additional pampering essentials. It's fun receiving gifts of little luxuries you wouldn't normally purchase for yourself.

Telos Art Spiritual Bouquet: A beautiful image to accompany a personal list of prayers and intentions from you, to each of your bridesmaids.

Quality time: Nothing beats quality time with your best girlfriends and sisters. Treat the members of your bridal party to lunch, manis and pedis, a besties day at your favorite tourist trap...whatever gives you ladies great bonding time!

Tote Bag: My friend once gave each bridesmaid an LL Bean Medium tote bag, personalized with our initials and filled with a giant, fuzzy bathrobe. They're excellent quality bags--I still have mine almost 10 years later!

Flats or Flip Flops for the reception: Give your maids some cute shoes for the reception so they can tear up the dance floor. Personally, I love seeing bright, fun shoes paired with fancy bridesmaid dresses.

Jiza, Co-Founder + Creative Director

Bridesmaid Emergency Kit: The morning of the wedding can sometimes be crazy, so gifting an emergency kit is just a small way to help everyone have what they might need at the last minute. 

BHLDN Botanic Garden Robes: As a wedding photographer, I always love when all of the bridesmaids are in coordinating or matching robes while getting ready. It makes for a super cute group photo with the bride, attractive & modest "getting ready" photos (because no one wants to be photographed in pajamas, tank tops, or bras), and it's something your bridesmaids can continue to use after the wedding day.

My Saint My Hero "Trinity" Necklace: Looking to give a piece of beautiful jewelry to your bridesmaids? My Saint My Hero now offers these petite necklaces that are both feminine and a beautiful reminder of our faith. The Swarovski crystal comes in a few different colors, so you can pick one that coordinates with your wedding theme.

We love making new discoveries, particularly from Catholic vendors--share your bridesmaid gift ideas in the comments or on our social media!

I Dos and Dont's: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | Stewardship and the Practicals of Working Out Your Budget

ANDI COMPTON

Andi Compton, our Business Director, planned her own birthday parties as a girl, spent hours making wedding collages as a teenager, and worked at the largest bridal store on the West Coast during college. She eventually answered the call to turn her organization and creativity into a business, Now That’s a Party, wherein she coordinates weddings primarily for Catholic couples.

Over the upcoming months, Andi will be here to guide you through your planning and share her insights from the wedding industry, from engagement all the way through newlywed life. Consider it an open invitation to ask your wedding planning questions in the comments and on our social media!

Today, Andi breaks down an essential part of early wedding planning--creating and allocating your budget--and has created two worksheets to share with your fiancé and your families to clarify what each party values most for your wedding and to identify each of your financial contributions. They're beautifully designed, comprehensive resources we're thrilled to offer you!

Meaghan Clare Photography

As a wedding coordinator, I take wedding budgets very seriously. They represent a huge commitment of time and money from the bride, groom, and often both of their families. Sometimes it’s the largest event any of them have hosted! 

It’s easy to overspend if you don’t take time at the very beginning of the planning process to set a reasonable budget everyone is comfortable with, and to constantly update it and make sure you're all on the same page.

As Christians, we are called to be good stewards of the gifts God has given us, including our finances. Luke's Gospel asks us, “Which of you wishing to construct a tower does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if there is enough for its completion? Otherwise, after laying the foundation and finding himself unable to finish the work the onlookers should laugh at him and say, ‘This one began to build but did not have the resources to finish.'” (14:28-30)

The same principles apply to planning any kind of party. We start with our not-so-glamorous budget and offer it up to God. And from there, we can move on to making the fun decisions and indulging a little in the perks of being a bride.

I share the budgeting tips below with my clients and really, with anyone who wants to talk weddings with me:

Prioritize.

I’m going to say something I’ve never heard another wedding industry pro say: aside from your nuptial Mass and marriage license, everything else in this process is optional. Everything.

You don’t have to send out paper invitations, eat cake, wear a white dress, carry a bouquet, or even have a single photo taken to become man and wife. All those things are wonderful traditions that are fun to choose, but they are not what binds you to one another for life.

So here’s what you do: prioritize. Separately from each other, write down the top 3-5 wedding elements that are the most important to each of you, and the 3-5 that aren’t very important to you, i.e. categories in which you wouldn't mind spending less money or deferring to your beloved's choices.

Here’s a little sample:

Her High Priorities: Music for Mass, Wedding dress, color scheme for reception, Invitations, coordinator

His High Priorities: Readings for Mass, style of Tuxes for me and groomsmen,  good food at reception, photographer/videographer, good Cake

Her Low Priorities: Music for Reception, Reception Bar, Limos

His Low Priorities: Transportation, Flowers, Bridesmaid dresses, invitations

As you talk and discuss these together, come up with your own unified list of priorities to focus on. Categories with higher priorities get booked first and generally have a larger amount of money spent on them. Categories with lower priorities can be done by friends and family, delegated to parents or family to decide on, or omitted entirely.

Leave a little wiggle room.

When planning a big event with lots of moving parts to it, things happen. A pair of shoes gets forgotten 100 miles away and you dash to the mall for another pair. You’re suddenly starving and make a Jamba Juice run for the bridal party between the ceremony and reception. You decide to go overtime with your reception vendors and add an extra hour to the party because everyone is having so much fun. Additional, unexpected situations arise, and it’s best to leave at least 5-10% of your budget open for these possibilities.

Accept.

Another shocking fact: no one gets everything they want. Even couples with a $100,000 budget still have to pick and choose what matters and make compromises to stay on budget. Yes, that might look like skipping a 10-minute firework show and choosing to have your guests wave sparklers at the end of the night instead. But ultimately, no couple gets every single element they want unless they have unlimited money. Learning to accept that compromise is a part of life, and sticking to your budget is excellent practice for marriage!

Thank those who have contributed to your day in any way. 

Really take the time to thank your parents, grandparents, godparents, friends, and anyone who has contributed to your wedding financially or with the gift of their time. They are not obligated to give you your dream wedding, and chances are, they've made sacrifices to give you as much as possible. Sending a kind note, taking them out to dinner or on a fun day trip, or giving a gift at your rehearsal dinner are all beautiful ways of showing your appreciation.

Enjoy the fruits of your labor!

When the day you've been preparing for spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically finally comes, surrender it to God. Don't stress the details, and be intentional and present. Hire a day-of coordinator if you prefer, or designate a family member or friend be the point of contact for all your vendors so that you can just soak everything in. Your budget will still be there Monday morning after your wedding, and some expenses may not be finalized until then. If possible, it's nice to wait until after your honeymoon to wrap everything up.

My final piece of wedding budget is advice is to never, ever, ever, ever take out debt to throw a party. Do what you can with what you have--another great life lesson.

Now I want to hear from you! What have you and your groom prioritized as most important and least important for your wedding? 

Download the Budgeting resources below:

• Budget Priorities Sheet

• Budget Planning Sheet

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Putting Aside the Details: My Engaged Encounter Experience

EMILY DIBIASE

The day after my fiancé and I got engaged, we sat down and wrote a prayer to say together every night of our engagement in preparation for marriage. It’s a practice we began over two years ago when we started the long distance portion of our relationship, adjusting the prayer to whatever circumstances we were in at that time to bring us together spiritually even when we were physically apart.

In our engagement prayer, we were intentional in including the invocation to help us “not let the details get the way.” I was happy to include it, but thought it was a little unnecessary – I of all people certainly was not going to be a bridezilla. My fiancé and I are both devout Catholics, so I recognized that the wedding Mass was far more important than the rest of the day. Dozens of brides had warned me not to let the wedding take over my life, and after working for a church for seven years, I’d seen plenty of brides who didn’t have the joy I hoped to feel on my wedding day, since their minds were too preoccupied by details to be truly present in the day. Thus, I vowed to never let the wedding take precedence over my marriage.

Through the first five months of our engagement, I naively thought I'd kept my promise. I picked my wedding dress in less than an hour (it was the first one I tried on), I hired the first and only DJ I ever talked to, I spent hours perusing the internet to find the best deals on everything because I was determined not to go over our budget, and I hardly delegated tasks to anyone, even my fiancé. I was an easy bride…or so I thought.

John Nicoletti Photography

The last few weeks have been jammed. As we quickly approach our June wedding, I’ve been trying to cram everything going on in my life into whatever spare hours I have, including the brilliant idea of spending the two hours we had between work and our pre-Cana program printing our DIY invitations. After an hour of trying unsuccessfully (they printed out, but were navy, not teal, and would clash with our motif), I finally barked to forget it, and we went off on our weekend. It wasn’t until I was having a complete meltdown on the way to marriage prep that I realized my priorities were way off-track. 

Oddly enough, one of the parts I was dreading most in the wedding preparations was pre-Cana. As part of our engagement present, my future in-laws had sponsored my fiancé and me to attend an Engaged Encounter weekend, a retreat-based marriage preparation program that fulfills pre-Cana requirements. I was extremely grateful for this gift, but the thought of spending an entire weekend away from our hectic lives of work, grad school, volunteering, and wedding planning was daunting.

The closer we got to the weekend, the more apprehensive I became. I knew the basic format of the weekend – someone would discuss a trigger topic of marriage (ie. money, intimacy, NFP, communication, etc.) and then we would have time to write about our responses and share them with each other. We’d also been told that it would be a working weekend and to come well rested (ha!). I imagined my sleep-deprived fiancé and myself attempting to have meaningful conversations and ending up just arguing the entire weekend. After a long week at work, the last thing I felt like doing was losing out on more sleep and fighting battles we had already settled long before.

So here we were, two devout Catholics sitting in a conference room on a Friday night dreading our pre-Cana weekend and cockily thinking that we had nothing to gain from it. I’ve planned dozens of retreats before and knew that attitude was everything, but here I was falling into the same trap as so many others before me. I was totally not present, sullenly calculating how many hours it was until we would be released, and wrapped up in worrying about how to get the invitations done on time.

At the beginning of the weekend, the moderators stressed that we were going to get out of the weekend whatever we put into it. I was cynical, but as I listened to the two moderating couples – one married for twelve years, the other for sixty – I began to realize that we have a lot to learn. These two couples opened up to us about what they’d been through in marriage: the highs, the lows, and everything in between. They were so brutally honest and open that it caused us to want to be brutally honest and open with each other as well. Their love was infectious, and I found myself slowly letting go of all of the stresses and taking the time to really look at the man I was marrying, who I realized I’d been looking past in all of my planning. Despite my valiant attempts, I’d made him just another piece in the puzzle of my dream day, instead of letting him make my day a dream.

Throughout the weekend, we slowly let our guards down and fell in love again on a deeper level through our intimate conversations. We went from being business partners, tasked with accomplishing the task of merging our lives with at times unemotional precision, to being carefree lovebirds again, totally in awe of each other and the great gift of love that we've been given by God.

What Engaged Encounter gave us was the opportunity to take intentional time to turn off every distraction and just focus on us. We talked about subjects we’d evaded in the past, or hadn't had time to fully discuss in a relaxed and loving setting. Conversations I’d never imagined bringing up that weekend came up naturally, free of tension and full of honest, thoughtful dialogue. Even more importantly, the retreat encouraged us to reground our relationship with each other in our relationship with God, and to recognize that the closer we become to Him, the closer we will be to each other.

The turning point came for me on Saturday night when we all gathered in the chapel for a special blessing. Part of the blessing involved us taking each other’s hands in the manner that we will on our wedding day. As we stood looking in each other’s eyes, I felt an overwhelming desire to marry my fiance right then and there. And suddenly, I realized it didn’t matter if the bridesmaids’ flowers were ivory or blush or if the wedding programs were printed on the same paper as the invitations; my dream wedding is going to be a dream because I’m marrying the love of my life, my best friend, the man who draws me closer to God on a daily basis, who makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, and who practices selfless, sacrificial love every day.

Before our Engaged Encounter weekend, I was excited for my marriage, but I was focused on the wedding, letting the details and the pressures of hosting a Pinterest-perfect party get in the way of continuing to feed and develop my relationship with my beloved. After Engaged Encounter, I am still excited for my “fairytale” wedding, but have become focused on my upcoming marriage and the excitement and humility I have in joining my life with the person I love most, second only to Jesus.

Did our engagement become perfect after our weekend? Not at all. On Monday morning, I still had to handle the invitation fiasco and hunt down the florist for a price on the flowers, and even now I still have to remind myself to not get so wrapped up in the details. But from the moment we left the retreat, I noticed that we were much more intentional in making sure that the other felt loved and appreciated and did our best to retain the joy in each other’s presence that was so prevalent that weekend.

On June 16th, I will once again stand opposite the man of my dreams, holding his hands and taking the biggest leap of faith I’ve ever taken. I can’t say that I’m confident the invitations will perfectly match the bridesmaid dresses or that my floating candles will last the entire night, but thanks to Engaged Encounter, I now feel more confident than ever in the most important part of the day – that I am marrying the most amazing man in the world, and that I am the most blessed girl in the world to be able to do so.

If you’d like to learn more about Engaged Encounter, please visit their website.

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John nicoletti photography

About the Author: Emily DiBiase is marrying the love of her life on June 16, 2017. She now works in the Marketing Department at the same college where she and her fiancé Aaron met as high school students at an accepted students day. She is currently studying for her master’s in theology through the Augustine Institute, and when she’s not wedding planning, you can probably find her teaching religious education, running the parish youth group, spending time with family, or starting her Catholic marketing company, Gloriam Marketing. She loves biblical studies, especially typology, and has strong feelings about God, Jane Austen, and the Oxford comma. She blogs about Catholic young adult life at www.catholickidproblems.wordpress.com. 

I Dos and Dont's: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | The Planning Phase of Your Engagement + 2 Downloadable Workbooks

ANDI COMPTON

Andi Compton, our Business Director, planned her own birthday parties as a girl, spent hours making wedding collages as a teenager, and worked at the largest bridal store on the West Coast during college. She eventually answered the call to turn her organization and creativity into a business, Now That’s a Party, wherein she coordinates weddings primarily for Catholic couples.

Over the upcoming months, Andi will be here to guide you through your planning and share her insights from the wedding industry, from engagement all the way through newlywed life. Consider it an open invitation to ask your wedding planning questions in the comments and on our social media!

Last month, Andi introduced an alternative to a month-by-month wedding planning timeline: the Phase Approach. Here, she breaks down for you the first phase, Planning, and has created two sets of worksheets to help you envision exactly what you'd like for your Nuptial Mass and reception. They're beautifully designed, comprehensive resources we're thrilled to offer you!

Once the excitement of early engagement starts to wane, and more and more people begin asking, “When is the wedding?” it’s time to seriously begin praying and discerning what your wedding day will be like, and how it will give glory to God.

Every couple has different expectations about their wedding day. Some imagine an intimate gathering of their nearest and dearest at a swanky hotel or art gallery, dining on rich food and dancing until midnight. Others picture everyone they’ve ever known at a casual backyard reception in the afternoon, eating a simple buffet and delicious cake, with lawn games and minimal dancing while they sit and talk to guests.  

The Planning Phase is the time to sit and talk with all the parties who will be contributing to the wedding about their expectations. While, yes, the day is to celebrate the bride and groom, parents are often investing large sums of money into the day. Their opinions deserve to be respectfully heard.

You would be surprised at how many parents, dads included, have a vision for their child’s wedding. During my own planning, I was surprised to find my husband’s family has a completely different approach to weddings than what my family was accustomed to, and my future in-laws had never been to a wedding like the one we were planning. It was also crazy to find out my dad had always thought I’d wear a ball gown (he knows me!) and that my mom always dreamed of elaborate white flowers for me.

So before you meet with any vendors, and even before you start getting numbers together to set a budget, dream big! I’ve created a free downloadable workbook for you that’s full of questions and lots of space for you to write down answers, draw or paste pictures; whatever you need to really dig deep and get to the heart of wedding planning.

The workbook below is designed to guide conversations with your fiancé and families. It has plenty of room for notes and cutting and pasting images from magazines or the internet. So please, feel free to get messy with it and get all your thoughts on paper.

We’ve also created a checklist for this Planning Phase that begins upon engagement and generally ends about 6-9 months before the wedding, depending on your timeline. I've aimed to make it comprehensive, but feel free to cross off items that don't apply to you and to add your own to-dos to the list!

Download the Planning Phase resources below:

• PLAN Worksheet
• Planning Checklist

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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I Dos and Dont's: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | 3 First Steps After Getting Engaged

ANDI COMPTON

Andi Compton, our Public Relations + Vendor Outreach Director, planned her own birthday parties as a girl, spent hours making wedding collages as a teenager, and worked at the largest bridal store on the West Coast during college. She eventually answered the call to turn her organization and creativity into a business, Now That’s a Party, wherein she coordinates weddings primarily for Catholic couples. Over the upcoming months, Andi will be here to guide you through your planning and share her insights from the wedding industry, from engagement all the way through newlywed life.

So you've given your Yes, your fiat, to your beloved. You may have a million ideas going through your mind, you might have no idea what you're supposed to do to plan a wedding, or you might be somewhere in between. Here's a game plan to give you some direction during these first weeks and months as a bride-to-be.

Photography: Kirsten Ann Photography

Instead of creating a timeline based on a calendar, I like to divide wedding planning into phases: Engagement, Planning, Booking, Details, The Month Of, and After the Wedding. Today, I’ll start this series with first steps to take after getting engaged; simple but significant, practical ways to soak in this precious time and prepare for the months ahead.

Pray.

Stop and thank God for the incredible gift of your fiance and for your call to the vocation of marriage. A list of prayers and patrons for your engagement can be found here. Another way to bring Christ to the center of your engagement is to consider holding a formal betrothal ceremony at your Parish.

Tell the world!

First, immediate family and friends are sometimes right there during or right after your proposal, but if not, they’ll be delighted to hear the good news directly from you.

Second, snap a picture and share the news on social media! Tag us with #SBHowHeAsked and #SpokenBride so we can share in your joy!

Third, some families like to send formal announcements, often with a photo. If that’s your plan, either have a friend or your wedding photographer take engagement pictures and order your cards. Another tradition that makes for a special keepsake is a newspaper announcement. Traditionally, these are published in the bride’s hometown paper. Other options include making a print announcement via the groom's family or in publications from your current town or your alma mater.

Meet the Parents.

If your parents aren't already acquainted, this is the perfect time for them to meet--they could all end up grandparents to your children one day! A face-to-face meeting or family meal is ideal, but if that’s logistically impossible, ensure everyone has contact information (names, addresses, emails, phone numbers) and try to set up a video chat so they can get to know one another.

Some couples opt to celebrate their engagement with a quiet picnic or dinner, just the two of them, and some with opulent engagement parties. No matter how you choose to remember the start of this time in your life, know we’re overjoyed for you and hold you in prayer every day.

Even as you enter into these next months of intense planning and spiritual preparation, know that it’s perfectly alright--important even--to just stop and savor this short season of engagement with joyful anticipation before diving in. Even the shortest of engagements benefits from a few days of rest, peace, and celebration.

We love hearing your stories and praying for you by name! If you’re newly engaged, introduce yourself in the comments or on social media. And tell us, how did you celebrate your engagement?

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Elise's Wedding | Strategies for Choosing Your Wedding Vendors

SAVE THE DATE ... our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

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Photographers, planners, caterers. Oh my! When Hunter and I started the wedding planning process, I was lucky enough to know a handful of wedding vendors as business acquaintances. They were able to offer me their own services or direct me to other wedding vendors. However, we have wanted to choose our vendors carefully and intentionally, so the search has been fun but also a challenge. I want to share with you my thoughts on how we've gone about hiring our vendors so far and what tips have been helpful to us. I'm also including questions for you to ask potential vendors to help you discern the individuals who will help your big day come together. 

Wedding Planner:

Truly, our biggest win so far in wedding planning has been hiring a partial-planner. We knew we couldn't afford a full-time planner--someone who can hire vendors for you and help come up with your wedding vision--but I know I'd appreciate assistance with logistics and day-of-coordination. It's been extremely important to me that I don't feel rushed on my wedding day. I don't want to be responsible for making the trains run on time or making sure that everything is set; I want to be prayerfully focused on entering into the sacrament of marriage and being surrounded by the people I love. Look into the wedding planners in your area and inquire about partial planning packages. I promise you, it will be money well spent! 

Questions to Ask: How many weddings have you planned? What will your level of involvement be? How often can I expect to interact with you during the wedding process? Do the weddings you plan usually have a certain style? 

Florist: 

There are so many ways to approach florals for your wedding. You can arrange them yourself, buying the flowers from a wholesalers (friends have raved about Costco!). You can hire a farm-to-vase florist who sources only local and organically grown flowers. I have found it helpful to interview and get a quote from florists in each category. I spoke to one vendor who only used naturally grown flowers; I talked with wholesalers about the logistics of designing and assembling my own florals; then I talked with several florists in our area. We ended up going with a wonderful woman who owns her own small floral business, is just starting out and had more than reasonable prices. It was important to me to support local businesses owned by women through my wedding, so hiring her was the best decision for us. 

Questions to Ask: What can I expect from you on the day of the wedding? Will you deliver and set up the florals? Where do you get your flowers from? What type of weddings have you styled for in the past? Do you handle take-down, and where do the florals go after the wedding day? Do you donate them? Can you create a sample piece for me before we sign a contract?

Photographer: 

We have consistently heard the advice to not skimp on our photographer. Our wedding day is so exciting and will happen so quickly. We might not be able to remember every single moment of the day, but we will be able to look back on the day through photos. When it comes to wedding photography, simply put: you generally get what you pay for. Yet that doesn't mean your wedding photography has to push you above your budget! The key to finding a good fit is finding a photographer who has been in the business 2-3 years, has a portfolio that shows their skill and suits your style, and, if possible, offers competitive pricing. (Join your local Rising Tide Society Facebook group, even if you aren't a creative entrepreneur. In the group, you can post a call for photographers in your area and price range). 

Questions to Ask: Can I see some examples of past weddings you've shot? What equipment do you use? When is the last time you've updated your equipment? Could you give me an outline of the day and what you'll be shooting when? How far in advance do I need to book you? Can I give you a list of specific shots that I'd like? How do you deliver the photos post-wedding day?

Hair & Makeup: 

Some women want to do their own hair and makeup on the day of their wedding and that's totally fine! For brides who prefer professional services, there are several options. You can go to a salon the day of or you can have hair and makeup artists come to the place where you're getting ready. There are plenty of wedding-specific stylists and makeup artists, just make sure to check out their online reviews to make sure you're hiring someone who is experienced. 

Questions to Ask: Will you do a trial run with me before my wedding? Can you work off of photos that I like? Are you familiar with my particular hair and skin types? Do you use your own makeup and hair products? Are there any day-of expenses I should be aware of?

DJ or Band:

Music sets the tone for your wedding Mass and reception. Consider: will you have your Church's music minster provide mass music? Who will be your cantors? Hunter and I are lucky to have wonderful, musically gifted friends who will be providing our Mass music. For our reception, we opted for a D.J. over live music. We valued hiring someone who will set a fun tone at the reception while keeping things classy and respectful. 

Questions to Ask: How many D.J.s are in your company? How do you cater to both younger and older generations at the reception? Will you play a list of songs if we give them to you? Do you use your own equipment? Will you coordinate with the planner or bride and groom at the reception if any questions arise? How do you arrange announcements for key points at the reception (first dance, cake cutting, etc.)?

Caterer: 

Yummy! Our reception venue provides food and drink in-house, but I know the caterer is a big vendor for most people. Make sure you are hiring a caterer who not only provides great food, but also awesome service to your guests. Take your preferences into account as you seek out a vendor. For instance, are you leaning towards a buffet or sit down dinner? Want to get creative? Consider asking family members to pitch in with creating a dessert table or baking your wedding cake.

Questions to Ask:  How many weddings do you do per year? Have you done events at my location? Will I need any permits for my events? What about bar permits? How many servers will be provided at my reception? How will the servers be dressed? Can you show me pictures of food you've created in the past? What kind of alcohol will be served?

I'd love to chat with you about your own planning. Tell me; what vendors have you hired so far in your wedding planning? What has your experience been like? If you were already married, what advice do you have to share about hiring vendors?

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About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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