Cultivating Inner Beauty During Engagement

NICOLE M. CARUSO

Engagement is a time of expectation and preparation for one of the most important milestones a couple can share: marriage. Amid the checklists and details of wedding planning, it is easy to forget about preparing your heart and mind to be a wife.

As a lover of makeup and beauty products, and as one who knows that within our dignity as women lies the truest, most real beauty, I recommend taking time during your engagement to frequently call to mind that inner worth and radiance. Rather than spending all your time and energy devoted to finding the perfect dress and planning the best reception, take 30 minutes out of each day to cultivate your own inner beauty. Not only will you ready yourself to receive the gift of your husband, but you’ll become ready to be a gift to him as the best version of yourself.

Here are 3 ways to cultivate inner beauty that reinforce good habits and bring about peace of mind and heart.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness, as defined by psychologist and Catholic Mindfulness instructor Dr. Gregory Bottaro, is “non-judgmental awareness of the present moment.” Flowing from one present moment to the next--rather than serious multitasking--reduces anxiety, frustration, second-guessing, and wandering thoughts. In the midst of the biggest pre-wedding crisis, remember that the goal of your wedding is not to throw the best party, but to rejoice in the sacramental grace you will receive.

I was thrown many, many curveballs during our five-month engagement, all of which had me speed-dialing my then-fiancee with hopes of troubleshooting together. The worst one of all was the night before our rehearsal. One of our priests found us decorating the Church Hall and remarked that we had not completed the inventory interview required to go ahead with the wedding.

I panicked. I abandoned my friends to finish decorating the reception space and started down a spiral of anxious thoughts, most of which revolved around the idea that my wedding was going to get cancelled. In reality, our parish was fairly small, our priests were very accommodating, and we got the inventory completed in time for our ceremony. Had I known how to be more mindful, I would have helped finish decorating, laughed a little more about the irony of the whole thing, and not let a little setback steal my joy.

Mindfulness is not about controlling your thoughts or emptying your mind, but allowing thoughts to pass through without reacting. As we practice mindfulness, it is easier to focus and give ourselves more wholly to each moment of the day.

It enables us to form healthy boundaries, make better decisions, and be intentional about how we treat others. Inner beauty beams out of us when we experience inner peace.

Self Care

Self care is the practice of incorporating moments that bring joy into your day; things that express your talents, inspire, and give that inner sigh of peace. More than an indulgence, dedicated “me time” is what you need in that particular moment. During my engagement I found I needed both time alone and social time. For me, there was nothing better than lighting the five candles in my bedroom, listening to jazz, painting my nails, and sketching or editing photos. Yet I also knew I was most energized by meeting friends for coffee, taking a day trip to Manhattan, or going shopping with my sister.

For some, self care can look like spending quality time with dear friends, solo outings to a cafe, reading, writing, creating art, or catching a sunrise. For others, it could be a book club, girls night in, a special treat from the grocery store, or a massage. Whatever is your way to unwind, laugh, or get in touch with what makes you feel like you, make sure to do one thing each day that feeds your mind and body.

Prayer

Prayer is centering. It connects us in conversation with God, consoles us, and inspires us. It reveals to us what is true, what is good, and what is God’s will for our lives. During engagement, it is so important to spend a few moments in prayer each day, hopefully at the same time to make it easier to form a routine. Prayer can start with five things you are grateful for that day, intentions for your future spouse and your relationship, or a guided morning offering from The Magnificat, Blessed is She, or the Laudate app.

My favorite way to pray is in front of the tabernacle. Many nights during my engagement, I walked to the Adoration chapel to say nightly prayers, journal my thoughts, or pray for a special intention that was particularly tugging at my soul. Most of all, I always sat there imagining our lives together, praying for the success of our marriage, and hoping for children. Being there reminded me that my wedding day was not about me, nor any family expectations, but about starting a new family with the grace of God, and following through on his plan for my life, with my future husband at my side.

Finding inner beauty during your engagement requires dedicated time each day. If you’re able, a silent retreat is another way to incorporate mindfulness, self care, and preparing your soul for your wedding day.

The sacrament of marriage presents a husband as a gift to his wife, and a wife as a gift to her husband.

When your husband-to-be sees you walking up the aisle, he will see your beautiful dress and smile, thinking of how incredibly beautiful you are. When he holds your hands in his, gazing into your eyes as you say your vows, he will see the steadfastness of a soul radiating inner beauty as you say, “I do.”

---

About the Author: Nicole M. Caruso is a wife, mother, makeup artist, and writer. Formerly the Beauty Editor of Verily Magazine, Nicole now shares her expert style and beauty advice, tips on healthy living, and reflections on marriage and motherhood on her website, where she hopes to inspire women to invest in their self-worth. The New York native now resides in Northern Virginia with her husband and daughter. 

WEBSITE | YOUTUBE CHANNEL | INSTAGRAM | TWITTER | PINTEREST
 

It's Okay Not to Have a Picture-Perfect Valentine's Day.

STEPHANIE CALIS

From food to emotion to personal interactions, our culture prizes authenticity, even in instances like social media when that same culture places the authentic just out of reach. Yet authenticity does carry real weight when it comes to truth and self-knowledge. Knowing yourself is a way of understanding truth: the more you come to know God, the more he, the source of all truth, reveals you to yourself.

My husband and I have our differences when it comes to special occasions. Until recently, I’d find myself scrambling around at this time of year, trying to think of a creative gift and out-of-the-ordinary date to share with my husband, wanting to share with him something original that I myself would enjoy receiving. That I would enjoy.

In my eagerness, I tended to ignore or forget the fact that my husband simply isn't interested in many bells and whistles. He is quick to communicate his appreciation when I give him a present or propose a different way to spend our time, but I’ve ultimately come to realize those aren’t as meaningful gestures to him as others. Gift-giving is not my husband’s love language, and he is true-blue to his favorite hobbies.

What’s more, even without the threat of a single Instagram post in sight, he sometimes struggles to feel at ease with things that, on the surface, seem more like something fun a couple should do, rather than what they actually want to do. I admit that I used to perceive this as disagreeable, a sentiment purely for the sake of making a statement against the falseness that can accompany social media.  

In reality, the only statement my husband expresses in these preferences is who he is. And who he is is someone I have chosen, someone who fascinates me and about whom I still love learning something new. With time, I have found more and more contentment in our different viewpoints about Valentine’s Day and other celebrations, because joy is a fruit of putting another before yourself.

We have grown in self-knowledge, and from that knowledge flows peace. As a spouse, I’ve grown increasingly aware that the best gestures are the ones that feel most authentically us. It’s my responsibility to honor and fulfill my husband’s preferences when it comes to holidays and celebrations, just as it’s his responsibility to do the same for me. We are specific. We are known. We are loved.

It's an ongoing refinement, and I still struggle. Gift giving is one of my love languages, for instance, and as young parents I truly love the rare opportunities we get to vary our routine with a date night that’s not at home. But now it actually makes me happy not giving my husband extravagant gifts or planning elaborate nights out, choosing to do extra chores around the house and carve out time to spend together instead. In turn, he finds happiness in the occasions where we do go out for something fancier, knowing that I enjoy it.

The more I know and love my husband, the more I know myself.  Our lives are so shared that it doesn't feel possible to know one of us better without knowing the other. I am blessed by a man so intentional and discerning in his choices, and so comfortable and un-self-conscious in them, because that’s who he is. Like in the fact that for one anniversary, we got burritos from Baja Fresh and then stayed home for the night. My husband wrote a beautiful poem that made me cry. I love his quiet creativity and I loved the entire day. There are certainly times I wish we took advantage of more photo ops for our future selves, or that we documented some of the recipes we've tried or places we've gone. But on the whole, this is our life and these are our celebrations, and they feel peaceful and perfectly suited to us because they’ve brought us into deeper knowledge of each other.

And that’s the point. It’s not about whether it’s more praiseworthy to share a quiet Valentine’s date at home or a more photogenic evening out. The best Valentine’s Day for you and your beloved is the one best suited to your particular personalities and love languages. It’s about about how special occasions--and what they look like for each person’s heart--are telling. Revelations. You are specific. You are known. You are loved.

---

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

BOOK | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

Faith, Hope, Love: A Letter From One Bride to Another

SINIKKA ROHRER

Dear Ladies,

As your season of planning comes to a peak, as the stress of family expectations mounts, as your patience with your beloved wears thin, I will be praying for you.

It’s in these small moments and long days that grace really shines. It’s in these stressful situations that you need encouragement to let faith, hope, and love overcome the challenges you face daily.

That said, I pray this letter slows you down, inviting you to think through what it means to look more like Jesus during this season of transition into marriage.

During our own engagement, my husband and I were often distracted by family members' opinions and negotiating costs with vendors. Our hearts were often more turned to take on the world, than to each other or to Christ.

I know you've already heard this, but it's the truth: Your engagement will not last forever. So while you are waiting anxiously for your day, I encourage you to take hold of the excitement and anticipation you and your beloved are experiencing and turn back to Christ, together.

To really see what it looks like to be the new creation he’s called you to be in this season, faith, hope, and love will be your stronghold; will help you balance the load and focus on Christ during this time of purification.

Faith

When my husband Alan and I first got into the thick of wedding planning, our minds were perpetually wrapped in budgets and expectations. One evening, Excel spreadsheets open and calculators in hand, again, I sat contemplating the idea of building our florist a website in exchange for his services, while my husband-to-be relentlessly clicked in search of affordable hotels for our post-reception stay.

Brows furrowed, we barely spoke. After we finally booked a hotel and decided we could spend a bit more for flowers, we stood up. I realized it had been hours since we last did even that! It sunk in that wedding planning had us doing things we hardly cared about, in the only time we had together. My beloved pulled me in for an embrace that almost entirely erased every angry moment, confused look, and hard conversation we'd shared about money that evening. We just were, and in that moment Alan’s love was Christ's; scooping me into his arms, reminding me that I am fully loved and fully enough. Reminding me I can lean into him when things get hard.

Hope

Alan and I spent much of our engagement job hunting. The plan was to graduate, wed, and start working immediately after college. The pressure was on. Alan had a job, but I didn't, which was critical since his opportunity wouldn’t start for 6 months after graduation. So while we planned, I hunted.

In my heart of hearts, I wasn’t sure I'd be able to get a job with the income we needed.

What we did know, though, was that God was trustworthy and that even in all of our efforts, our hearts could rest in the hope that the Lord was the one with the plans. We were just seeing them through.

It was hope in his providence that got me through multiple job applications, wedding planning trips, and networking meetings, to the one company who was ready to hire me immediately and value my potential.

Love

Okay, you say. We know about love. Christ is love. He’s shown us love. It’s both a feeling and an action. We get it.

I know that. But here’s what I hope you'll remember: even when you have the right answers, it doesn’t mean your heart is yet convinced.

The first time we walked into our mentor couple’s house, my fiancé and I held our chins high. I mean, why not? By the standards of our pre-Cana program, our marriage inventory results matched well enough, so we felt good to go. With our walls up, though, our mentors weren't able to see between the lines we were keeping hidden. We didn’t want to get vulnerable or talk about the selfishness both of us knew would be a massive obstacle in our first months of marriage (and it was the hardest obstacle we faced as newlyweds).

Love is so beautiful, and so embodies Christ, yet it’s hard to reflect his love when you’re tired. It’s hard to reflect it when the dishes still aren’t done, when you start to learn each other's' bad habits, and when you both encounter the struggle of self-discipline for the sake of another.

Throughout that first hard year of growth, the Lord saved and mended our hearts time and again. Because of Christ’s love, my husband and I finally started opening our hearts to change together, allowing ourselves to identify what triggers in the world turn our hearts to selfishness.

In this mess of our humanness, my beloved and I have had multiple opportunities to show Christ’s mercy and compassion to each other, and the healing we’ve sought since is starting to make its impact on our selfish hearts.

Love is starting to flow more freely, but not because of us. It's because of Christ in us. It’s Jesus who loves even when we don’t want to. It's his love that sees the goodness, the beauty and the person.

And so…

Let your guard down in mentor meetings. Let your planning dates slip just a bit. Let your heart be molded to enjoy your engagement, instead of to see it as drudgery.

Your day is not about you. Your day is bigger than you. Just as we, the Church, are Christ’s bride, I pray your day glorifies him, reminding all who attend of his great love, great presence, and great grace. I pray your capacity to embody his love increases day by day, that you and your beloved may find solace in the One True King that brought you both together, and that you may have peace in the waiting.

May the Lord give you the grace to allow his perfect faith, hope and love to continue through your engagement, so that the world may see His Face evermore through yours.

---

Sinikka Rohrer is a daughter of the King, wife of a man she'd only imagined, and lover of waking up quietly. She is the owner of Soul Creations Photography, a business on mission to capture testimonies, encourage hearts, and inspire marriages, and is a Spoken Bride Vendor.

WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

Elise's Wedding | Two Become One: How to Combine Your Spiritual Lives

ELISE CRAWFORD

SAVE THE DATE ...our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

Photography by: Meaghan Clare Photography

---

When Hunter and I met in college, we were both undergoing a deep spiritual renewal in our faith. We were studying theology and philosophy at the Catholic University of America and fell in love with St. Thomas Aquinas, the Patristic Fathers and the wide variety of spirituality possessed by the saints.

My sophomore year, I helped establish a charismatic prayer group at CUA. Hunter attended and became a part of the community. We also had the blessing of living across the street from the John Paul II Shrine and the Dominican House of Studies, which hosted various talks and events. Needless to say, we were both greatly enriched spiritually during our college experience.

As we've moved on from Brookland to graduate school and into our careers, our spiritual lives have continued to develop and change. We've noticed over the last few years that Hunter and I tend towards varying forms of spirituality. I've continued to love charismatic prayer and meet the Lord most deeply when using the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Hunter encounters the Lord through intellectual pursuits and quiet meditation in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

Through the busyness of life in our early twenties, we've had to work through our developing faith practices and decide what they looked like with our changing and filled schedules. It has by no means been easy or perfect, but we've figured out several ways to blend our spiritualities so that we both feel like we are being spiritually fed. Below is a list of steps you and your future (or current!) spouse can take towards building a spiritual practice together that fits both of your personalities and needs. 

Assess Your Own Spirituality.

Our spiritual tendencies change over time. What you once enjoyed a couple of years ago, or even a few months ago, might not be how you encounter Christ now. Through the lay and married vocations, our roles in life are almost constantly changing. You might have taken a new job or become a mother. 

Take some time to evaluate your current spiritual needs: do you have less time for reading than you used to and need something that isn't quite as time-intensive? Have you moved and no longer live as close to an Adoration chapel as you once did? I found that after college I no longer was within my regular charismatic community, so I had to adjust to my circumstances. I became comfortable with praying by myself for shorter periods of time at the beginning of my day and found a group of young adults who occasionally gathered for praise and worship. Before you and your spouse try to combine spiritual practices, first know your own spirituality. 

Discover What's Out There.

There are as many ways that one receives Christ as there are as people on this earth. We each encounter Christ in our own unique hearts in a personal manner. The Rosary and Liturgy of the Hours are incredibly powerful spiritual practices, but there are many others out there as well! You and your spouse could join a lay community, begin the practice of reciting the Divine Mercy Chaplet or discern serving your local parish through volunteering.

Invest time in exploring the possibilities of how you two can practice your faith together. Take a look at your Diocesan website and see if there are groups or events you can attend to meet new people in your surrounding faith community. There's more out there than you think!

Find Spiritual Directors.

It is your responsibility as a fiancée to assist your soon-to-be spouse on his journey to heaven. This means learning of his struggles, joys, best qualities and worst qualities. As much as we are meant to walk alongside our significant other, it's also wise to note that sometimes you both need guidance from an older, more spiritually developed mentor.

Take some time to find individual spiritual direction for the both of you. You can ask a local friary, religious community or your parish, if there is a religious or priest who would be willing to be your spiritual director. Don't be intimidated! Start off by meeting once a month, get to know each other see if you are a good fit, and take it from there.

Learn Where Your Hearts Intersect.

Once you and your fiancé have spent some time getting to know your own spiritual tendencies and where you'd like to improve in your faith life, it's time to see where your spiritualities intersect and differ. Hunter and I joke at times that if we had turned to the religious life instead of married life, I would be a Sister of Life and he would be a Benedictine monk. I'm all about the spirituality of John Paul II, and Hunter loves monastic spirituality. I prefer community prayer, and Hunter likes solitude. However, over the years we've learned that we both love the Liturgy of the Hours and the Rosary. Our prayer life together has also been enriched through prayer over one another, something we do before we part ways. It's a beautiful way to bless your beloved with God's grace and pray for his or her intentions. 

Attend Mass Together.

Of course, attending Mass and receiving the Eucharist together is the most important part of creating a shared spiritual life. Even if you are not able to physically attend Mass together every weekend, there is a unity that you will find with your fiancé in the Eucharist. No matter if your spiritualities are very similar or they differ greatly, the Eucharist is the source and summit of our faith. It's the perfect common ground where you and your fiancé can worship the Lord as a couple and be enriched by his body and blood. Although Hunter and I strive to attend Mass together every Sunday, I always offer the Mass for our relationship and our future marriage even when we aren't able to attend together. 

What about you? Do you and your fiancé have similar spiritualities or are they polar opposites? Are you married and have discovered ways that you and your beloved have connected in your spiritualities?

---

About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

WEBSITE | BLOG | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

I Dos and Dont's: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | 3 First Steps After Getting Engaged

ANDI COMPTON

Andi Compton, our Public Relations + Vendor Outreach Director, planned her own birthday parties as a girl, spent hours making wedding collages as a teenager, and worked at the largest bridal store on the West Coast during college. She eventually answered the call to turn her organization and creativity into a business, Now That’s a Party, wherein she coordinates weddings primarily for Catholic couples. Over the upcoming months, Andi will be here to guide you through your planning and share her insights from the wedding industry, from engagement all the way through newlywed life.

So you've given your Yes, your fiat, to your beloved. You may have a million ideas going through your mind, you might have no idea what you're supposed to do to plan a wedding, or you might be somewhere in between. Here's a game plan to give you some direction during these first weeks and months as a bride-to-be.

Photography: Kirsten Ann Photography

Instead of creating a timeline based on a calendar, I like to divide wedding planning into phases: Engagement, Planning, Booking, Details, The Month Of, and After the Wedding. Today, I’ll start this series with first steps to take after getting engaged; simple but significant, practical ways to soak in this precious time and prepare for the months ahead.

Pray.

Stop and thank God for the incredible gift of your fiance and for your call to the vocation of marriage. A list of prayers and patrons for your engagement can be found here. Another way to bring Christ to the center of your engagement is to consider holding a formal betrothal ceremony at your Parish.

Tell the world!

First, immediate family and friends are sometimes right there during or right after your proposal, but if not, they’ll be delighted to hear the good news directly from you.

Second, snap a picture and share the news on social media! Tag us with #SBHowHeAsked and #SpokenBride so we can share in your joy!

Third, some families like to send formal announcements, often with a photo. If that’s your plan, either have a friend or your wedding photographer take engagement pictures and order your cards. Another tradition that makes for a special keepsake is a newspaper announcement. Traditionally, these are published in the bride’s hometown paper. Other options include making a print announcement via the groom's family or in publications from your current town or your alma mater.

Meet the Parents.

If your parents aren't already acquainted, this is the perfect time for them to meet--they could all end up grandparents to your children one day! A face-to-face meeting or family meal is ideal, but if that’s logistically impossible, ensure everyone has contact information (names, addresses, emails, phone numbers) and try to set up a video chat so they can get to know one another.

Some couples opt to celebrate their engagement with a quiet picnic or dinner, just the two of them, and some with opulent engagement parties. No matter how you choose to remember the start of this time in your life, know we’re overjoyed for you and hold you in prayer every day.

Even as you enter into these next months of intense planning and spiritual preparation, know that it’s perfectly alright--important even--to just stop and savor this short season of engagement with joyful anticipation before diving in. Even the shortest of engagements benefits from a few days of rest, peace, and celebration.

We love hearing your stories and praying for you by name! If you’re newly engaged, introduce yourself in the comments or on social media. And tell us, how did you celebrate your engagement?

---

About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | PINTEREST

Why I'm Getting Married Even Though I'm Not "Ready."

BROOKE PARIS

My fiance and I became best friends at thirteen, started dating at sixteen, and got engaged five and a half years later at twenty-one. Before the end of high school, both of us knew we had found our future spouse. Though our relationship has personally lacked the nervous, exciting buildup of certainty that often develops over time, and, for better or worse, the shock that sometimes accompanies a marriage proposal, it has had a constant steadiness and unceasing faithfulness.

Photography: Joy-Marie Mendoza Photography

We've grown overwhelmingly in our commitment to the good of the other and in our desire to have a holy relationship. One year into our relationship, we were already talking about what we could do to grow into the best husband or wife for each other. We talked about what our long term life goals were, what we sought in for our future family life and faith, and how we best give and receive love. Then we talked about how we could take practical steps to help prepare us for that life. 

Along the way, though, we realized we couldn't focus solely on the future. Rather, we had to focus on being present in a way that would help us be the man and woman God was asking us to be right then.

Somewhere along the line I inadvertently ruled out engagement as a serious opportunity for growth. I must have tricked myself into thinking that since my now-fiance and I had spent so many years distantly preparing for marriage, by time we got engaged we would be ready. Plain and simple; ready to get married tomorrow.

But shortly after saying Yes to forever, I had the scary revelation that I didn't think we were ready. The steadiness that I'd felt all along seemed to falter within me.

I looked at the current state of our relationship and concluded we still had struggles that I thought we would have resolved by this point.  I told my fiance my fears. He said, "We have one year till we're standing in front of the altar, which means I have one year to become more of the man you need me to be and the man God is calling me to be. Trust me that in this year I can work toward being the husband you deserve."

This may seem like it was all his fault, or that he's the sole reason I had fears, which is not the case. He is just more more humble than I am and always much better at realizing his areas of growth (I'm quite the stubborn person).

He taught me three things that day:

Being 100% ready isn't actually the most important factor in getting engaged.

Rather, being 100% committed to the good of your future spouse and future family--and moreover, being 100% dependent on the ways God’s grace will work in your heart--is what matters.

There is no specific level of readiness that qualifies you as ready to get engaged; no exact standard you must reach or boxes you must check that gets you to a magical place where you may definitively state, "I am absolutely ready and we may now get engaged and then married."

Obviously there are some signs and markers that reflect a strong, healthy, and holy relationship, and those are extremely important. But what I'm saying is that even the best relationship still isn't perfect. And because we are imperfect beings our relationships will always have room for growth and improvement. The best relationship, instead, will be the one that relies not on the strength and goodness of the individuals, but on God: the source of love and all good things.

Engagement isn't just a countdown.

I don't know when I got it in my head that engagement wouldn't be that different from dating. I used to think it was simply a matter of publicly, rather than quietly, preparing for marriage. But I have realized I was so wrong.

It is here, during engagement, that you take concrete steps to learn about your vocation and form your life in a way that will prepare you for it. Moreover, it is a time specifically set aside to talk to other married couples and families; to sit at their feet and learn from their firsthand witness about the life you're about to enter into. 

Even when I stand in front of the altar and profess my vows, I will still not be completely ready for my vocation.

Marriage is not about being perfect. Marriage is about becoming evermore who God has made us to be, together, throughout a lifetime.

Marriage is about helping one another become the best versions of ourselves. It is about the constant struggle and beauty that comes in helping each walk towards heaven. Marriage is sanctifying.

I've learned firsthand in these last months that preparing for marriage, and marriage itself, is hard. When I profess my wedding vows I will be committing myself to a lifetime of hard and sanctifying work, and that is a beautiful thing.

I can't wait to marry my fiance, but it is not because he is perfect, or that we are 100% compatible, or that everything is always wonderful.

It is because for the past six years I have loved watching him grow into the man he is today, and I can't wait to be by his side as I watch him continue becoming the loving, strong, and faithful man I know he is destined to be.

I’ve been praying, ever since we had this conversation, that I might have the same eagerness to let God change me that my fiance has.  My prayer is that every day from now until the day we are standing at the altar, he will open my own heart to the beauty and sanctification that is the fruit of a demanding love.

Before, our differences scared me. But now they challenge me.

I see every difference, every fault, every failing we may have as a challenge to love deeper, to love better, and to not shy away from the transforming work that love demands. I’ve felt God call me, over the past few months, to step out of the desire I have for things to fit perfectly together, and to fall more in love with the beautiful messiness that comes from two flawed human beings attempting to love as God loves.

I know God is continuing to work on my heart, to form me into the woman he has called me to be, and I pray that as my fiance walks this journey with me, he’ll not only fall more in love with me, but through me will see an ever-clearer picture of God’s faithfulness and love for us.

---

About the Author: Brooke Paris Foley married her high school sweetheart on June 30, 2017. They both credit Mama Mary and Saint Pope John Paul II for leading them to their vocation. Brooke loves Theology of the Body, Southern cities and food, and wineries and rooftop bars.

INSTAGRAM

Spiritual Resolutions for Couples

STEPHANIE CALIS

A few weeks into a new liturgical year, and a few days away from a new calendar year, are you feeling inspired to refocus or recommit to worthy habits? Whether or not you’re the resolution-loving type, it’s always timely to identify small--or big--concrete ways to enrich your spiritual life. And doing that through the lens of your engagement or marriage not only helps hold you accountable, but draws the both of you closer to the source of all Love. Here, a few ways to deepen your faith and shake up your spiritual routine:

PHOTOGRAPHY: EMMA DALLMAN AS SEEN IN JULIE + TIM’S BEACH-INSPIRED WEDDING

Drop by the chapel at the start of your dates.

Most parishes offer confession on Saturday afternoons. Before heading out for a dinner or date night, commit to visiting the confessional first, or even attending the vigil Mass afterward. At our wedding, my husband and I invited our guests to write us notes containing marriage advice or date ideas in lieu of a guest book. One couple’s recommendation has stuck with me more than any other: “Keep going to confession regularly.  If you keep your relationship with the Lord clear, you will be able to see better how to relate to each other.” Clarity is a gift; honesty is a gift. God’s mercy and the eyes he gives us to see are constantly, abundantly on tap, waiting only for us to choose them. Alternatively, make a holy hour or attend daily Mass together before a Saturday morning brunch date.

Implore the intercession of a new-to-you patron saint.

Creating your own litany of saints who’ve accompanied you on your spiritual journey--individually and together--is personal and special, offering comfort during hard times and and great joy during good ones. This couple’s devotion to Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, for instance, shaped their relationship so fully that their bridal party commissioned an icon of him to be blessed during the wedding Mass. If you’re looking for inspiration, try starting with our list of patrons for engagement and marriage; holy men and women whose lives bore witness to the married vocation’s particular awe-inspiring call to holiness.

Consider Marian consecration.

Our Lady, the purest, most radiant bride, invites women to see their strength, dignity, and the fullness of their life-giving femininity. She invites men to lay down their lives before beauty and mystery and to learn how to love a woman. Marian consecration, a formal promise of entrustment and devotion to Our Lady, is intended to tether us to our mother in heaven and, in turn, to the heart of her son: ad Jesu per Mariam.

I consecrated myself to Mary on the Feast of the Annunciation, according to St. Maximilian Kolbe’s prayers, in college and renewed it with my husband using Fr. Michael Gaitley’s 33 Days to Morning Glory a few years ago. The language of consecration speaks to themes of abandonment of one’s own will and of a holy slavery to the Blessed Mother, which might sound intimidating. Yet truly, the fruits of surrender to her will for us, a loving protection that wills only good things and intimacy with Christ, have borne such abundance and deeper trust in my life and my marriage--in good times and in bad.

Choose a spiritual book to read together.

Spiritual reading is sometimes best digested in small portions and through conversation. The Church is rich with both theological and practical classics on love, marriage, and virtue that can be worthy companions for your engagement and beyond. For starters, consider one of Elise’s hand-picked book recommendations for couples.

Plan a pilgrimage.

Sometimes, a beautiful new spot, and the anticipation of visiting it, is just the ticket for shaking up your routine and awakening a spirit of renewal in your prayer life. This directory of shrines and holy sites in the U.S. is a fantastic resource for getting started, and after you’ve chosen a destination, spend some time researching nearby cathedrals, chapels, restaurants, and other stop-worthy locations in the area to add dimension to your day. Bring along a journal to write in together, create a special playlist for the drive, and consider going social media-free for the duration of your visit.

If spiritual resolutions have been on your mind, as well, we’d love to hear what they are in the comments! Tell us; what are your plans for your relationship and prayer life in 2017, and are there any practices you’ve already adopted that have blessed your romance?

---

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

BOOK | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

An Encounter With Beauty: Thoughts on TOB, Art + Marriage with Artist Michael Corsini

In anything created there resides a spark of the divine. Any work of human hands is due the Creator himself, a reflection of his perfect beauty. And creation brings forth life.

Life-giving, too, is our identity as man and woman, bride and bridegroom. We are the Father, the maker's most cherished creation, loved and willed into existence in a breathtakingly specific way. His children; his fingerprints.

Michael Corsini is a husband, father, artist, speaker, musician, and worship leader whose daily work and family life speak to the intersection of art, creation, and divine intimacy. A convert to the Catholic faith and former brother with the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal (CFRs), Michael's work is infused with the Theology of the Body.

At Spoken Bride, we strive to constantly pursue and share with you all that is beautiful, true, and good in love and marriage. When we recently happened upon one of Michael's sketches for a future oil painting, A Theology of Marriage, we found ourselves drawn in and had to find out more about the image and the artist behind it. Michael answered a few of our questions, and it's our honor to share his truly stirring thoughts on beauty, art, and vocation.

As a man whose life's work is to create, it's evident that your spirituality is informed by a love for beauty. How does this awareness of the beautiful inform your spiritual life, your marriage, and your family life?

Beauty is the theme of my life and is always surprising me. I find that authentic beauty is very elusive, and because of our human condition, it takes effort to seek it out.

But when it’s found, I think the most startling thing is that it has the ability to affect a radical response from human beings. I mean, beauty can make a man lay down his entire life and reveal to him a personal, unrepeatable mission that he willingly gives himself over to at a profound cost. Beauty makes you want to continually be in its presence, and it impels you to act.

Beauty is special too, in a way, for the artist. In my experience, the artist can only make himself available and open so that beauty can be received as a gift, without grasping it, and trying to make it into his own thing.

I think that marriage, the spiritual life, kids, it’s all like this. It’s all about the encounter with beauty, whether we are ready for it or not, whether we respond or not.

Because beauty is so humble, the scary thing, I think, is that it can be easily missed. Something so beautiful can be right before us and we miss the chance to let it enter in and change us. Mercy. Imagine being in Bethlehem two thousand years ago, walking down a dusty street and you nearly bump into a very tired young couple holding a newborn. They are poor, but have a quiet joy in their eyes. It would be easy to pass by and never give it a thought. This is what I mean. There in that moment passes the Source of all beauty, and it’s so small. This is also a source of pain in the heart of the artist. I am aware of my lack of awareness. I think in a way, the whole Christian life is a gradual opening up of the person to beauty.

You hold an M.A. in Sacred Theology from the JPII Institute, work at the JPII Shrine in Washington, D.C., and have several upcoming projects related to the Theology of the Body. Do TOB and the topics of marriage and family have special significance in your work?

Theology of the Body has not only held a special significance in my artwork, but even more so in my life. It is a gift that has illuminated my vocation! In all the most difficult moments of my reaching toward God to know my vocation, Saint John Paul II has been a father to me. Jesus' title of Bridegroom, and the gradual discovery that Christ wished to live his life in me, showed me the intersection of the desires of my heart and His own. Christ actually desires to live his life as Bridegroom in me!

My work is a kind of gathering up of my whole life journey and discovery, which includes these beautiful insights and inspirations as well as all my doubt and sin. When I work or sing, I feel myself alone before God and also part of the great mass of humanity, in all its present condition, reaching toward God. I am very interested in what modern man needs to hear from the Church at this particular moment in time and in the specific questions we pose to God and to ourselves.  

I think TOB gets at this more concretely than anything else as a re-presentation of the faith. A true new evangelization.

Your "Theology of Marriage" tryptych features scenes from our Fall and our redemption in the Gospels. We're eager to delve into the images and symbols you've used! Tell us more?

The central panel is key to reading the entire image. This is the image of the life of the Bridegroom and the Bride. The veil is torn open, and we see into the central mystery of the faith. Christ is on the Cross, pouring himself out. The Bride--Our Lady and the Church--receives this life. Her body is in the form of a chalice.

Through the Cross we see into the mystery of Heaven: the great fruit of the sacrifice. 

The idea is to show an immeasurable multitude in order to express the great fruitfulness of the Bridegroom and the Bride: children! Blood and water flow from the side of Christ and spill into the side panels. Husband and wife are shown giving themselves to one another adjacent to the image of the last supper, where Christ gives his Body and Blood to the disciples. Both are an image of the total gift of self.  

The side panels are an account of redemption history and are also read in light of one another. The left panel begins (top to bottom) with the creation of Adam in his solitude, the Original Unity of Adam and Eve, the Fall (turning from God and one another), the dysfunctional experience after the Fall (manifest as grasping and a lack of eye contact), and finally an image of Shame.

The right panel begins with the fall of David and his repentance. It moves down to the marriage of Tobias and Sarah. Here reading the panels in light of one another (from side to side) you see Eve reaching to the serpent and Adam to himself. Tobias and Sarah, in contrast, rise from their marriage bed with incense ascending to God, in order to extend themselves together to the Father. Redemption also lies in the Annunciation. The image of Our Lady receiving the indwelling Word--without grasping--is the redemption of Adam and Eve's moment of grasping through one another at the forbidden fruit on the left panel. The final image on this right panel is the Nativity.  I think this moment is profound; the revelation of the face of God! Here Joseph and Mary are present at the birth of Christ, in purity, seeing God face to face.  

You are a convert to the Catholic faith, spent five years with the CFRs, and are now a husband and father. Care to share your conversion, discernment, and love stories?

When I was in college I had a profound encounter with a painting called the “Blue Madonna.” Long story short, I--who was not Catholic--had a loose understanding of who Mary was, but I found myself in the Ringling Museum weeping at the beauty of this woman. She led me out of an addiction to pornography and straight into the Church. Dostoyevsky said “in the end, Beauty will save the world.” This moment was a true example of his words.  

With a healing like this, I was zealous. Within two years I had joined the CFRs, which was truly one of the great blessings of my life. Though I loved my brothers and the life, I struggled through novitiate, and every year of temporary vows I wondered how to reconcile the increasing and specific desire for marriage welling up in me.  

I met my wife, Jessie, while I was a friar. She had been volunteering with the community long before I joined, and I was assigned to the Youth Center in the South Bronx for about six months where we served together. But soon I was off on another apostolate, where I was to remain for the rest of my years in the community.  We saw each other only occasionally during that time but remained friends. Jessie really had no idea what was going on with me and my discernment.  

She went on a pilgrimage to Medjugorje, found a white rose made of cloth, and received in prayer that it was meant for me, this religious brother she knew. As you can imagine, she was terrified to give a friar a rose…so she didn’t. For over a year and half! Meanwhile, I had been praying for a sign.

I was getting desperate for a concrete expression of God’s will. I had asked for a red rose to signify I should pursue the priesthood, and white, marriage.

Thinking how silly it all was, I was still hoping for the white. One of the friars, whom Jessie had confided her rose story to, told her she had better give it to me, because it didn’t belong to her! And so she did. That moment is precious to me. I knew what it meant, and she didn’t. I was overjoyed, and she saw that in me immediately. After I left the community, Jessie and I quickly discovered we had been living truly parallel lives during those five years and that in God’s beautiful providence he wove our lives together. I am continually grateful, even for the suffering of discernment.  

Even for the less artistic among us, can you suggest any resources or concrete ways to cultivate beauty in one's relationship, marriage, and vocation?

How about a farming analogy? I find it fascinating how many times Jesus used references to farming and agriculture to illuminate deep truths about God. In my family we do a little homesteading. It’s our great desire to live that life more intensely, more full-time, so the image of cultivation is very dear to us. We find in this way of life a deep unity with our vocation to marriage. There are many things here that will die or be severely injured if we don't attend to them daily--and not just our kids! It’s a kind of openness to life that is also an openness to being frequently inconvenienced by another being.

Perpetual awareness of weeds growing, produce which needs to be picked at the right time, and providence: to cultivate beauty in our marriage and family, we need to first prepare a place for it.  

And I recommend picking up something on TOB, even if the original text is too daunting. Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West is a good one!     

And lastly, we'd love to hear any wedding input from a groom's perspective! What piece of wedding planning or newlywed advice would you like to share with Catholic couples?

My wife and I didn’t sweat the details too much. We kept our wedding day pretty simple and focused on giving ourselves in the Sacrament. Most of our attention was toward making the liturgy beautiful, and to that we are indebted to many of the Friars and Sisters of the Renewal. We delegated a lot of details to trustworthy friends and family and let a lot of it go. It was the most beautiful day.  

I want to end with the words of St John Paul II, a true bridegroom of the Church. This is the best marriage advice I have heard.

“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.

It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.” ~ (Pope St. John Paul II, World Youth Day – Rome, August 19, 2000)

---

About the Author: Michael's latest musical release, All Things Hoped For, was recorded live as an Advent worship meditation and is now available. Listen to it here.

Website | Video

Editors' Picks | Vol. 4: Our Christmas Gift Guide

At Spoken Bride, we love a good book, a good meal, a standout statement necklace, a heel you can dance in, and the list goes on. And when we make those discoveries, we want to tell everyone. So every month or two, we're sharing our latest and favorite finds in everything engagement, wedding, and honeymoon related.

This month, we're pleased to share with you a few of our favorite finds for your family, friends and wedding party members, and of course, for your beloved, as the Christmas season approaches.

Elise, Social Media + Marketing

For Your Sister: Hatch Prints Joan of Arc Print or CraftMonkee Ring Cone. I love this image from Hatch Prints! I hope it reminds my sister to conquer each day with grace and courage. Is your sister newly engaged? The ring cone is sassy and something different. It's a perfect spot for her to rest her bauble after a long day of showing it off to friends!

For Your Mom or Mother-In-Law: Terrain Chef's Kitchen Gift Set or Linnea's Lights Diffuser. Terrain is an awesome place to shop for mom or mother-in-law! The Chef's Kitchen Gift Set is full of goodies for the seasoned chef. It's filled with fun ingredients like lavender balsamic vinegar for her to use in her cooking. Looking more for something homey? The diffuser in the Peony scent looks amazing.

For Your Godchild: Bitte Twill Apron and Kitchen Tools, Magnatiles, or Ele Story Tutu. Hunter and I love to spoil our goddaughter, Lily! It's so difficult to narrow it down to just a few gifts to give, we came up with a list of some really adorable items. For the little cook, the apron and tool set is perfect for helping Mommy or Daddy in the kitchen. The boys I used to nanny played with Magnatiles and they never.got.old. And for your little princess, Ele Story's beautiful dress is just too cute to pass up.

Jiza, Co-Founder + Creative Director

For Him: SENSO Bluetooth Headphones. I give my husband all the credit for this gift pick. He uses his bluetooth headphones often: at the gym, on a bus/metro commute, on the airplane, while doing computer work, or even at home when he’s watching a war movie I am not particularly interested in while the children are sleeping. He uses them to listen to music, podcasts, and audio books, as well. These are noise canceling headphones, so if you ask your guy a question and he doesn’t reply, I promise it’s not because he’s ignoring you. It’s because you got him a great set of earbuds.

For Girlfriends: Sseko Designs “Brave” Necklace with interchangeable charms. I am a huge fan of supporting ethical and mission-oriented businesses when you can. Sseko Designs is a fashion brand based out of Uganda, giving job & college education opportunities to women of East Africa. Originally starting with sandals, Sseko has now grown their products to a variety of footwear, leather bags, scarves, prints, and jewelry. You can find the perfect gift for anyone.

For Family: Laser Engraved Cutting Board. Do you have a favorite family recipe written by a loved one? This would be a beautiful heirloom to give to your parents, in-laws, or anyone in your family. It's the perfect keepsake for everyone to enjoy.

Stephanie, Co-Founder + Content Manager

For fiancés or husbands: Experience-oriented gifts for the hard-to-shop-for. My husband frequently dislikes replacing anything until it's entirely gone or worn out, and gift giving is not his love language, two qualities that can make him hard to shop for. If your man is similar, I'll share my strategy of choosing gifts oriented towards a shared experience, rather than the material gift itself. I ask myself what my husband might enjoy doing together, then try to come up with gifts that could contribute to that. For instance, we love to make a special meal (well, second dinner) after our kids go to bed, so in the case of this example, a much-appreciated gift might be a new cookbook (Jerusalem and Baked are two favorites of ours) to work through together, along with a premium olive oil, alcohol, or exotic ingredient. Other ideas in this experience category include event tickets for a music or sports lover, equipment to take along on a hike and hot cocoa date for an outdoorsman, or a journal and spiritual book to bring on a pilgrimage together to a shrine or holy site.

For girlfriends: Paloma's Nest I AM NOT AFRAID bowl. I love to give and receive beautiful, indulgent items, the kinds of gifts you are thrilled to open but might never have bought yourself because they seemed too fancy or uneccesary. Gifts in this category can add simple life and pleasure into your routines. These handcrafted porcelain bowls from a family-owned company are just the ticket. Sized just right for storing jewelry or other small items, St. Joan of Arc's invocation on this bowl to Be Not Afraid is the perfect message for the women in your life. Be sure to check out the Wedding Shop on Paloma's Nest, as well. The company's ring bearer bowls can be used during your wedding Mass, and some of their inscriptions brought tears to my eyes.

For family: The Makeshift Gallery Family Tree. Your origins, traditions, and history become even more meaningful in marriage, when you and your beloved merge two families and, as you walk out of the church, take your first steps as your own new family. I love the rustic yet clean design of this custom print, available for four, five, or six generations back, with its image of the rings of a tree.

Andi, Public Relations + Vendor Outreach

For kids: Magnatiles, Lego, or Playmobil. I second Magnatiles! They are one of my family's favorite toys, requiring zero batteries, and kids can just build all day with them. Legos are another great option for infinite creativity and hours and hours of play. My kids also love Playmobil sets, which come at every price point from $5 and up. Boys seem to prefer the Historical sets, complete with Viking battleships, little armies, and scenes from the Wild West. My girls love the Fairy, Princess, and Preschool sets, and it's fun to watch them play out different scenarios with the figurines.

For girlfriends: Grace + Salt Maplewood Sign & Be a Heart Metal Mug. "But first, coffee." Two of my closest friends are coffee lovers. One is getting this adorable homemade sign from Grace + Salt for her coffee station, and another is receiving this mug from Be A Heart. My Dominican grandma always has her café in an enamel mug, so I try to share that tradition with the people I love.

For In-Laws: Local Food and Drink Baskets. Mine live out of state, so I love giving gift baskets filled with specialty foodie goodies that aren't available where they are. This year I stocked up at an authentic Italian market down in Little Italy, San Diego: imported noodles with fun shapes, bruschetta and a yummy mix to cover the pasta with, Italian spaghetti sauce, Pizzelles, Sicilian hard candies, and a California Chianti to top it all off. If you have a Trader Joe's nearby, they're an excellent one-stop shop for creating food gifts at any price point. My in-laws loved the infused olive oils from Trader Joe's we gave them last year, also part of an Italian gift basket.

---

We love making new discoveries through you! Tell us; are there any special gift items you have your eye on this year? Any small businesses whose mission and products you've fallen in love with? Share your finds in the comments!

For more kids' gift ideas, don't miss our list of faith-inspired presents for Flower Girls and Ring Bearers.

Elise's Wedding | Strategies for Choosing Your Wedding Vendors

SAVE THE DATE ... our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

---

Photographers, planners, caterers. Oh my! When Hunter and I started the wedding planning process, I was lucky enough to know a handful of wedding vendors as business acquaintances. They were able to offer me their own services or direct me to other wedding vendors. However, we have wanted to choose our vendors carefully and intentionally, so the search has been fun but also a challenge. I want to share with you my thoughts on how we've gone about hiring our vendors so far and what tips have been helpful to us. I'm also including questions for you to ask potential vendors to help you discern the individuals who will help your big day come together. 

Wedding Planner:

Truly, our biggest win so far in wedding planning has been hiring a partial-planner. We knew we couldn't afford a full-time planner--someone who can hire vendors for you and help come up with your wedding vision--but I know I'd appreciate assistance with logistics and day-of-coordination. It's been extremely important to me that I don't feel rushed on my wedding day. I don't want to be responsible for making the trains run on time or making sure that everything is set; I want to be prayerfully focused on entering into the sacrament of marriage and being surrounded by the people I love. Look into the wedding planners in your area and inquire about partial planning packages. I promise you, it will be money well spent! 

Questions to Ask: How many weddings have you planned? What will your level of involvement be? How often can I expect to interact with you during the wedding process? Do the weddings you plan usually have a certain style? 

Florist: 

There are so many ways to approach florals for your wedding. You can arrange them yourself, buying the flowers from a wholesalers (friends have raved about Costco!). You can hire a farm-to-vase florist who sources only local and organically grown flowers. I have found it helpful to interview and get a quote from florists in each category. I spoke to one vendor who only used naturally grown flowers; I talked with wholesalers about the logistics of designing and assembling my own florals; then I talked with several florists in our area. We ended up going with a wonderful woman who owns her own small floral business, is just starting out and had more than reasonable prices. It was important to me to support local businesses owned by women through my wedding, so hiring her was the best decision for us. 

Questions to Ask: What can I expect from you on the day of the wedding? Will you deliver and set up the florals? Where do you get your flowers from? What type of weddings have you styled for in the past? Do you handle take-down, and where do the florals go after the wedding day? Do you donate them? Can you create a sample piece for me before we sign a contract?

Photographer: 

We have consistently heard the advice to not skimp on our photographer. Our wedding day is so exciting and will happen so quickly. We might not be able to remember every single moment of the day, but we will be able to look back on the day through photos. When it comes to wedding photography, simply put: you generally get what you pay for. Yet that doesn't mean your wedding photography has to push you above your budget! The key to finding a good fit is finding a photographer who has been in the business 2-3 years, has a portfolio that shows their skill and suits your style, and, if possible, offers competitive pricing. (Join your local Rising Tide Society Facebook group, even if you aren't a creative entrepreneur. In the group, you can post a call for photographers in your area and price range). 

Questions to Ask: Can I see some examples of past weddings you've shot? What equipment do you use? When is the last time you've updated your equipment? Could you give me an outline of the day and what you'll be shooting when? How far in advance do I need to book you? Can I give you a list of specific shots that I'd like? How do you deliver the photos post-wedding day?

Hair & Makeup: 

Some women want to do their own hair and makeup on the day of their wedding and that's totally fine! For brides who prefer professional services, there are several options. You can go to a salon the day of or you can have hair and makeup artists come to the place where you're getting ready. There are plenty of wedding-specific stylists and makeup artists, just make sure to check out their online reviews to make sure you're hiring someone who is experienced. 

Questions to Ask: Will you do a trial run with me before my wedding? Can you work off of photos that I like? Are you familiar with my particular hair and skin types? Do you use your own makeup and hair products? Are there any day-of expenses I should be aware of?

DJ or Band:

Music sets the tone for your wedding Mass and reception. Consider: will you have your Church's music minster provide mass music? Who will be your cantors? Hunter and I are lucky to have wonderful, musically gifted friends who will be providing our Mass music. For our reception, we opted for a D.J. over live music. We valued hiring someone who will set a fun tone at the reception while keeping things classy and respectful. 

Questions to Ask: How many D.J.s are in your company? How do you cater to both younger and older generations at the reception? Will you play a list of songs if we give them to you? Do you use your own equipment? Will you coordinate with the planner or bride and groom at the reception if any questions arise? How do you arrange announcements for key points at the reception (first dance, cake cutting, etc.)?

Caterer: 

Yummy! Our reception venue provides food and drink in-house, but I know the caterer is a big vendor for most people. Make sure you are hiring a caterer who not only provides great food, but also awesome service to your guests. Take your preferences into account as you seek out a vendor. For instance, are you leaning towards a buffet or sit down dinner? Want to get creative? Consider asking family members to pitch in with creating a dessert table or baking your wedding cake.

Questions to Ask:  How many weddings do you do per year? Have you done events at my location? Will I need any permits for my events? What about bar permits? How many servers will be provided at my reception? How will the servers be dressed? Can you show me pictures of food you've created in the past? What kind of alcohol will be served?

I'd love to chat with you about your own planning. Tell me; what vendors have you hired so far in your wedding planning? What has your experience been like? If you were already married, what advice do you have to share about hiring vendors?

---

About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

WEBSITE | BLOG | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

5 Tips for Peaceful Holidays as a Couple.

STEPHANIE CALIS

For the first two years of our marriage, my husband and I were holiday vagabonds. We’d spend the days before Thanksgiving and Christmas driving four hours to our home state and staying overnight at two or more different homes, all while attempting to cram in a few hours with each of our extended families and old friends.

There’s a whirlwind nature to those days that my life lacks now--the arrival of our children has merited more structure and discipline--and though the rose-colored glasses of hindsight make me look back fondly on the facility we had to travel more frequently and spontaneously, I also distinctly remember wishing our holidays weren't defined by constant travel. We were able to visit everyone, go to bed whenever, make the drive back home long after dark. But we were also pretty rootless, missing out on opportunities to consider how we actually did want to define the season for ourselves.

Have you experienced this? Merging your life with your beloved's in engagement and marriage also means merging the lives of your families, for better or worse. Determining a moderate, healthy level of commitment to family obligations is a question that looks different for every couple and evolves through different phases of life. So does the question of how you’d like to form your own rituals as a couple and future family. To help you answer these questions and cultivate peace during this hectic time, we offer you these suggestions for navigating the holidays:

Boundaries don’t destroy freedom; they create freedom.

During the years my husband and I lived far from family, and before we had children, we were able to travel anywhere and everywhere, saying yes to almost every invitation, but we weren’t free. The feeling of needing a vacation from Christmas vacation was a major reminder that freedom didn’t mean the ability to take back-to-back road trips and pack our schedule to the brim, but the ability to accept or decline commitments with unburdened hearts, unchained to duty and calendars.

Giving of yourself is, of course, good and necessary. Relationships with your loved ones deserve your time and attention. When we overstretch ourselves, the quality of our relationships can suffer. After those first busy seasons, my husband and I decided we’d prefer to alternate spending our holidays with one family each year, not both. The times we stayed for two or three hours at one celebration before getting back in the car to drive to a second, we hardly felt time to be present with our relatives before moving on to the next obligation. We were putting in face time, but it wasn’t true quality time.

Arleen Spenceley writes, “[boundaries] keep what is hurtful, unhealthy, or needless out of the way. We are most free when we have healthy boundaries, not when we have none.” Just as it’s fruitful to judiciously draw a line with your social life, so it is with delicate or painful situations that might feel more prominent at this time of year. If you know the season will bring with it certain tensions or difficult relationships, bring to prayer the question of how you can embrace the challenge while protecting yourself--in some situations, that might mean entering into these tensions, and in some, that might mean avoiding them.

Anticipate points of miscommunication, and work through them ahead of time.

Making clear each of your expectations for how you’ll spend and divide your time, filling one another in on your families’ particular rituals, and creating a game plan for travel each go a long way in keeping you and your beloved on the same page.

Start your own traditions.

Traditions are special, and they’re comforting. Creating new ones that belong to the two of you grounds you in these busy months and shapes your identity as a couple. Need ideas? Buy or make an Advent wreath and incorporate it into your daily or weekly routine; my family lights the wreath every night during grace before dinner. Take up a prayer ritual like the St. Andrew Christmas Novena, which begins tomorrow, the O Antiphons, or a daily Rosary of only the Joyful Mysteries. Try out a few new dessert, cocktail, or meal recipes and reserve them for holidays-only. Choose a movie or book to experience each year during Advent or Christmas.

Identify ways to carve out quality time.

When you’re spending weekend after weekend at parties and gatherings, and when you’re staying over as guests with faraway family and friends, it’s easy to go for long stretches without any time as just you and your fiancé or husband. God willing, your time spent in groups and with family is fruitful and precious. Yet there’s value in knowing how extensive social time affects your unique temperaments and in nourishing your relationship accordingly. Even extroverts need time to recharge alone or with their beloved, so plan ways to do that. Choose a day to shelve all things party and shopping-related and go on a special date instead. Load up on podcasts or audiobooks if you have a long road trip ahead of you. Briefly duck out from your hosts to attend confession, Adoration, or a daily Mass together. Take a nightly walk during your stay with family.

Find peace in God’s will, no matter what.

Approach the season with a spirit of flexibility, and embrace times of stress, anxiety, or trial as your road to Bethlehem. St. Teresa of Calcutta constantly thanked God for her suffering, resolving if trial be the Father’s will for her, that it draw her closer into the heart of Jesus. Her holy example is a powerful reminder that the Father’s every whisper to us, everything he wills for us, is a mercy. In him resides our peace.

Know of our prayers for you this Advent. Tell us, what spiritual or practical strategies have helped you find balance during the holidays?

---

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

BOOK | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

A Prayer of Thanksgiving.

From all of us at Spoken to all of you, Happy Thanksgiving! This day, not unlike engagement and marriage, reflects life's tensions: feast and fast, anticipation and its fulfillment, hunger and contentment--restlessness ends not in marriage, but in eternity. Know of our prayers for you in this sacred time and in this start of the holiday season!

Lord, we come before you in thanks. We are gifted and entrusted with freedom, with truth, with your bounty. You, who have poured yourself over us, bled and given everything all for love of us--to win us back and bring us home--we praise you.

We trust in your generosity, whatever that looks like in this moment. We ask only to receive. Fill us, Lord. All that is of you is gift, even when it doesn’t look anything like we might have imagined. Strengthen us in trust; let us receive you fully, that we may experience every act of the Father’s will as a mercy.

You are a God of abundance. And yet, we hunger. Let us embrace these aches through waiting, through restlessness, through uncertainty. You are permanence, Lord. Rest. Certainty. May we see this longing as it is, unveiled: our desire for communion, for eternity with you. May all our wanderings draw us deeper into your love.

In this season of home, of family, of breaking bread, let us live with our first home in mind, our identity as your children. Humbly we beg for the grace to sanctify each other, to return each other to you, Father. Sustain us in your body and your precious blood, that we may live with joyful anticipation of your heavenly banquet, the feast of your love.

The voice of mirth and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voices of those who sing, as they bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord:

‘Give thanks to the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for his steadfast love endures for ever!’

For I will restore the fortunes of the land as at first, says the Lord.

- Jeremiah 33:11

Consider a Betrothal Ceremony: What it Is, Why it's Significant + How to Plan One

DOMINIKA RAMOS

An audio version of this blog post was featured on our podcast on 10/20/2020.

Audio Block

Double-click here to upload or link to a .mp3. Learn more

When my husband and I became engaged, we decided to have a betrothal ceremony. At the time, we knew very few couples who had had one, and fewer people still who knew anything about it. 

A betrothal ceremony, or a Rite of Betrothal, is the traditional way of becoming officially engaged in the eyes of the Church. It's a short but beautiful ceremony, in which the couple solemnly pledges to marry one another on a specified date. We were drawn to the ceremony for several reasons:

image: Jiza Zito

As a blessing for our engagement.

My husband and I were both in school during our engagement. In the midst of scouring the web for bridesmaid dresses and trying to keep up with reading for class, it was a lovely pause in our lives to solidify our response to the call of marriage and receive graces that helped make our engagement a period of deeper spiritual enrichment than it might have felt otherwise. 

One element I particularly love about the Rite is that it includes a blessing over the engagement ring. There's a temptation as a newly engaged young woman to scrutinize and compare rings with other engaged friends, yet having your ring blessed can be a powerful reminder to reject comparison. It's a gift to receive your engagement ring again after the ceremony, now transfigured by the blessing into a sacramental. These days when I'm changing diapers or washing dishes and catch a glance of my sacramental engagement and wedding rings, it serves as a reminder to say a quick prayer for my marriage and family. 

As an opportunity for our families to come together to celebrate our engagement.

We tried to keep things simple in planning our wedding, so our betrothal ceremony became the perfect opportunity to get our families together in lieu of having an elaborate engagement party. If you or your fiancé come from a family that isn't particularly religious, the ceremony can be an opportunity to express to them your belief that marriage and family are founded on, and strengthened by, faith.

As a reflection of how seriously we took marriage.

Far more than being a nice thing to do, a Rite of Betrothal contractually obligates the engaged couple to be married on a specific date. What the man has proposed to the woman then becomes a binding agreement, which, if the engagement were to be called off, would have to be formally dissolved by a priest. Thus, for the couple and for the witnesses, the ceremony sets the tone for the gravity of marriage as not merely a declaration of love, but a profound covenant wrought by God.

Betrothals can be as elaborate or as simple as you wish. We held our betrothal ceremony after our parish's Saturday Vigil Mass in the small chapel where we'd gotten engaged, with only our immediate family members present. However, another bride I know had hymns, flowers, formal invitations, and a guest list of fifty.

You might have yours after Sunday Mass with family members and your bridal party and go out to brunch afterwards. You might have a larger ceremony and have a reception in place of an engagement party. Or you might have it at your parents' home, with a private Mass and an intimate dinner, if you have a family friend who is a priest.

Unless your priest is familiar with old and somewhat obscure devotions of the Church, it's likely that he won't have heard of a betrothal ceremony. The priest who did our ceremony (and later celebrated our marriage) happened to be a zealous convert to the faith, so he was thrilled when we introduced him to this tradition. If you're met with hesitation, seeking out a priest who is more comfortable with traditional liturgical practices might be the way to go. 

Engagement is frequently seen as a frustratingly harried waiting period, but it's not. It's a pilgrimage. And a betrothal ceremony is a holy seal and blessing sending you on your way down the path to your vocation--down the path to greater union with God. In a world where the meaning of marriage is constantly misshapen to fit personal desires, a betrothal ceremony is a beautiful and bold way of witnessing to the truth of God's design for this sacrament.

The text for the Rite of Betrothal can be found here.

---

Dominika Ramos is a native of Houston, Texas though she dreams of spending her days frolicking in the English countryside. She and her husband met at the University of St. Thomas, where she studied English literature, and they were married at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Walsingham on the Feast of the Visitation in 2014. Her life is currently composed of running Pax Paper, a hand-lettering and illustration business, blogging about the transcendental aspects of motherhood (among other things) at A Quiet Quest, and chasing after her rambunctious and delightful toddler son.  PAX PAPER | BLOG | INSTAGRAM

How to Talk About Cohabitation, Part 2 | Unexpected Ways Chastity Can Prepare You for Your Marriage

STEPHANIE CALIS

Two weeks ago, we started a discussion on what it means to evangelize your wedding guests by choosing to wait until after the wedding to live together. The first post in this series described what that kind of evangelization actually looks like, alongside tips for engaging your friends and family in productive conversations about cohabitation. We're concluding these posts today with points to consider in your own relationship and in preparation for the everyday of uniting your life, your habits, and your belongings with someone else's.

Chastity is creative.

Whether a couple is practicing chastity or not, the implication with living together is that they are having sex. For the couple who is having sex, the emotional and physical bond it creates can make it harder to see the relationship with clear eyes. “Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding...Two people may decide to have sex ‘just for the fun of it,’ yet something is occurring on another level they might not have decided on at all: sex is enhancing an emotional bond between them whether they want it or not.” For the couple who is abstaining from sex, there's not really a way to convince people outside the relationship that they are living together, but not sleeping together, creating an occasion for gossip and scandal.

Chastity, which differs from abstinence in part because it doesn’t end in marriage, is creative. It demands radical sacrifice and bears a life more fully and freely lived, and it challenges and encourages you as a couple to express your love in ways beyond the physical.

How to practice for married life, without moving in together

Take the matter of how to practically prepare for married life, for instance. While some put forth that moving in together is a way to “test run” your potential marriage and determine whether you’re compatible in your living habits, I’d argue there are plenty of creative alternatives to practice for your future roommate status, including cooking, completing wedding projects and DIYs, and building furniture or making improvements to your future home together. Activities like these offer a glimpse of how your future spouse deals with mental or physical challenges, differences of opinion, and the tension between collaborating or pursuing tasks independently. Chances are, they'll also hold up a mirror to how you handle these same concerns.

What’s more, working on projects and small daily tasks together during a time when you are proximately preparing for marriage takes the “test” aspect out of “test run.” Although discernment doesn’t necessarily end at engagement, the two of you have made a commitment to each other. What that looks like, practically speaking, is a level of respect and permanence that wasn’t there before. The “test” or “trial” mentality tends to cultivate a sense of waiting for the other person to make a mistake or to cast doubt on your certainty, rather than call to mind the strengths of the other and encourage honest discussion of areas in which the both of you can call each other on.

Constantly purified

If you’re reading this and you are living with your fiance, believe that the Father knows your heart and the intentions behind that choice. He loves you so tenderly, desiring only your best good in a specific, personal way. It’s not too late to change your living arrangements before your wedding or to make the choice to abstain from sex until you’re married. It’s a bold, hard, and possibly inconvenient choice, but one that will strengthen your marriage before it starts by refining your ability to lay your desires down for the sake of the other. Bear in mind, as well, that some dioceses require couples to live apart for a certain period before the wedding as a part of their marriage preparation.

No matter what their living situation and what path they’ve been on, every couple’s path to the altar is a constant purification, constant fire. Whatever yours, know you don’t walk it alone. There is sweetness in the Cross’s heaviness, because on the other side lies immeasurable rejoicing. Living out our identity in Christ and our sexuality as they are meant to be lived makes us free. And freedom is for love.

We're eager to continue this conversation. Is there anything we've left out, or anything you'd like to add to the matters of chastity and marriage prep discussed here? What has your experience been of preparing for married life in the everyday?

---

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

BOOK | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

Engagement is a Teacher.

CHELSY TRACZ

To the recently engaged bride-to-be whose engagement has been hardly a Jane Austen-esque dream: you are not alone.

If you’re anything like me, you assumed your engagement would be the most joyous period of your life thus far. So what does it mean when your period of betrothal falls short of your expectations? My proposal and early engagement was indeed beautiful, special and meaningful, but it was hardly the idealized vision I had built up for so long.

Photography: Noteworthy Expressions

My fiancé and I had been seriously discussing marriage and discerning our future together for several months. Things began to move forward and we started ‘window shopping’ for rings last December. I finally allowed myself to begin my own Pinterest wedding board, complete with dresses, tablescapes, colors and centerpieces. By the time March rolled around, I was impatient, to say the least.

When he finally did drop to one knee, the moment was beautiful, yet it wasn’t at all what I thought it would be.

The day of my proposal, which incidentally happened to be my birthday, was only a week after the death of my dear grandfather.

I was still reeling from the week before, spent at home helping make funeral arrangements and caring for my family, while still trying to cope with my own grief. I was in the middle of my last semester of graduate coursework, and I had days of reading and assignments to catch up on, as well as a fast-approaching publishing deadline. We had even planned to stay home the night of my birthday so I could spend the evening catching up on work.

So when my fiancé's knee hit the ground, I didn’t get the exact feelings and heart flutters I assumed are experienced by every other woman who has ever been proposed to. As the girl who breaks into tears over a sappy grocery store commercial (Publix, I’m looking at you) or an overly cheesy episode of Full House, I didn’t shed a single tear during the proposal.

And I couldn’t understand why.

Why wasn’t I overcome by emotion? Why wasn’t everything magical, sparkling and covered in tulle? Or, at least, why didn’t it feel that way?

The proposal was the last thing I expected that night, but it was also exactly what I needed. I said yes immediately and without trepidation. I remember telling my new fiancé that it didn’t feel real; that I couldn’t believe the beautiful ring on my finger was actually mine; that we were finally engaged. I kept repeating that the proposal hadn’t sunk in... yet. He joked that when it did, he hoped my answer would be the same.

His lighthearted quip actually revealed a deeper truth to me. Our engagement happened amidst tragedy and pain; sorrow and grief. In many ways, my heart couldn’t fully experience all the floating feelings that I was sure should accompany such a proposal.

But that’s just the thing: I was still able to say yes, confidently and wholeheartedly, even when my feelings and the circumstances weren’t exactly what I anticipated.

I was completely confident this was the man God had given to me to journey through life and grow in holiness with. As a result of prayer and God’s grace, I knew this was the man I was meant to love. Forever. Even when my heart didn’t feel the way I thought it should and my much-anticipated tears of joy were nowhere to be found.

The weeks following our engagement were filled with further challenges. One of my fiancé’s best friends and would-be groomsman died suddenly at the age of 26. For the second time in as many months, we found ourselves in the midst of tragedy and deep loss. Meanwhile, my husband-to-be was beginning a new job while I was preparing for final exams and trying to hammer out papers. Not to mention, together, we were struggling to make initial wedding plans and secure dates and venues.

Why was everything so hard?

Despite these difficulties, through our and love and commitment to one another, we were able to face each challenge together, offering love and support to one another when we each needed it most. We grew in patience, charity and sacrificial love, but it was far from easy.

During this time, it just so happened that my Facebook feed exploded with the engagements of several other friends and acquaintances. Apparently, it was the season. These other women all seemed to be visions of everything blushing brides ought to be. I was inundated with Pinterest-perfect images of bridal brunches awash with smiles and pretty pink hues. Meanwhile, I was struggling to get a halfway decent photo for our save-the-dates (and having more than one emotional meltdown along the way).

I kept wondering why my engagement experience was so different from the one I was “supposed” to have. Everyone else seemed to have it. What was wrong with me? Or worse, what was wrong with our relationship?

Just as comparison threatens to steal joy from so many parts of our life, so it is in our experiences as engaged women. When we begin to compare the gifts and graces God has given us--or the pains and sufferings He allows for that matter--we doubt ourselves, our betrothed, our discernment and our Lord.

Our engagement thus far has hardly been smooth, easy or ideal. But I have oh so slowly come to realize that this road, with all its bumps and the bruises it has caused, is truly a gift from God.

Our life together and our marriage will be far from flawless. It will be mired by selfishness and sin, yet redeemed by God’s abundant grace. Both suffering and joy will be constant companions. As my fiance and I prepare to enter into the sacrament of marriage, we continue learning to love, forgive, and surrender to the Lord with each new day.

In the Christian life, we are asked to endure the pain of a fallen world, constantly supported by the grace of God, who gifts us with joy to shore us up for the times of sorrow.

My engagement has taught me to look for the joy amidst the sorrows of this life--because one is seldom found without the other.

The marriage vows make this apparent. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. If this is what we consent and surrender to, it is so very appropriate that engagement affords us the opportunity to start preparing to live the vows we will make to one another.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, “It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.” Feelings and emotions are fleeting, but the marriage covenant offers us a way to sustain what is most important, even when our hearts falter and our emotions succumb to our own selfishness and weaknesses.

When your engagement isn’t going as planned and you feel swallowed by the unavoidable wedding-planning woes, rejoice! The Lord has great plans for you, for your engagement and for your marriage. I’ll keep striving do the same when I go through yet another failed wedding dress appointment, sub-par catering tasting or weather-ruined engagement photo session.

---

About the Author: Chelsy Tracz is currently finishing her M.A. in Catechetics at The Catholic University of America and working for the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops in the Pro-Life Secretariat. She will marry her beloved on the Solemnity of the Annunciation in March of 2017. Chelsy is a Florida girl with a southern heart who loves long days on the beach, warm summer nights, a good cup of tea and snuggles with her nieces and nephew.  

INSTAGRAM

Elise's Wedding | Our Favorite Marriage-Prep Resources

SAVE THE DATE ... our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

(Photos: Meaghan Clare Photography)

Over the last few years, Hunter and I have developed our own library of favorite marriage and engagement-focused resources. I'm excited to share them with you today in anticipation that they bless you and your significant other, as well. 

The Temperament God Gave You/ God Gave Your Spouse by Art and Laraine Bennett: These books by a Catholic married couple, one a licensed marriage therapist and one with a Masters in philosophy break down certain tendencies, virtues, and weaknesses particular to the four temperaments of classical philosophy, with a solid spiritual element added in. They were so eye-opening to me! Although Hunter and I both agreed not everyone fits perfectly into the four temperament profile, it's is definitely a great place to start understanding yourself and your significant other in a deeper manner. 

The Jeweler's Shop by Karol Wojtyla: Not to be dramatic, but this is, hands down, my favorite piece of literature of all time. I first saw this play performed during my sophomore year in college and have read it at least five times since. I even wrote a paper on it in graduate school! The future JPII's play focuses on three different couples, all at different stages of their relationships. I can't recommend it enough! 

Three to Get Married by Fulton Sheen: This was also a very formative book for Hunter and me. Fulton Sheen taught at our alma mater, Catholic University, and was a brilliant priest. He talks about the ins-and-outs of marriage in a down to earth way while still communicating the mystery of the sacrament. 

Amoris Laetitia by Pope Francis: Hunter and I are currently reading this encyclical with our marriage mentors. After reading just the first chapter, I was completely blown away. The Pope definitely gathers the wisdom of the Church while also discussing the hardships and challenges that couples and families encounter as they live and breathe their vocation.  

Theology of the Body Institute: I haven't attended a course at the TOB Institute yet but I've had several friends attend and they have raved about it.

Through the Bible and Catholic tradition, Theology of the Body explains that our bodies reveal the deepest mysteries of God and humanity. 

Wherever you are in your faith journey, the Theology of the Body Institute is an awesome way for you and your fiancé to grow in your understanding of God's design for your marriage. 

Called to Love by Carl Anderson: I read this book while attending the John Paul II Institute, and it's incredible. If you don't have the means to attend the Theology of the Body Institute, I highly recommend Called to Love as a great alternative. Carl Anderson is the Supreme Knight of Columbus and makes St. Pope John Paul II's teaching on Theology of the Body applicable and accessible. 

By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride by Alice von Hildebrand: This book has made me feel much less alone during my engagement! The format is an older Alice writing to a new bride, Lily. Lily pours out her heart to Alice about newly married life. Lily's problems, fears and excitement are relatable, Alice's words refreshing and encouraging. 

Beloved by the Augustine Institute: Beloved is a 12-week DVD and study guide series for engaged or married couples. This is a great resource for education if you are your fiancé are looking to go a bit further in preparing for marriage or improving your relationship. Although Hunter and I haven't gone through the program personally, it's come highly recommended by several friends. It looks incredible and I'd love us to go through it eventually. 

The Little Oratory By Leila Lawler: One of my favorite books that I've read during marriage preparation! Leila is the mother of a college classmate and runs the successful blog Like Mother, Like Daughter. In The Little Oratory, Leila discusses how families can incorporate liturgical living into their everyday lives through prayer and intentional living. There are also beautiful icon images included with the book that make for a beautiful beginning to your own oratory. 

I'd love to hear your additions to this list! What are your favorite resources for marriage preparation? Share them in the comments below!

---

About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

WEBSITE | BLOG | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

How to Talk About Cohabitation, Part 1 | An Appeal to the Heart.

STEPHANIE CALIS

In an age where more than half of marriages begin with cohabitation and the majority of cohabiters view their living situation as a step towards marriage (whether that would entail a "slide" into marriage or an active decision), waiting until after your wedding to live together has come to be perceived as, at least, counter-cultural and at most, foolhardy. Well-meaning friends and family might receive news of your engagement with, "So are you going to move in soon?"

It's tempting to answer questions like these with an emphatic "Of course not," followed by a discourse on Church teaching. Honestly, though? That approach might not win many converts to your point of view; or, if not conversion, at least a clearer, more reasoned understanding of your views. Engagement is rich with potential minefields of moral questions from those you know, which also makes it rich with potential opportunities: occasions to truly listen to and see another and to defy stereotypes of what evangelization is all about.

Truth speaks for itself

I've become convinced that in many ways, the what of arguments in favor of the Catholic faith are secondary to the how of the way you present them. It's true that the Church's position on waiting until you are a married couple to act like a married couple is nonnegotiable. It's in the best interest of the person's capacity for virtue and true freedom. Yet often, appeals to authority and argument often aren't nearly as compelling as appealing to the human heart.

What I mean by an appeal to the heart is this: when you're living out your words, actions, sexuality, and identity as they're meant to be lived--that is, with the intention of cultivating authentic love and self-sacrifice, eyes fixed on heaven--there is something so arresting, so captivating, so eminently noticeable. In the case of engagement, a couple who chooses to forego convenience and to practice sexual self-control embodies self-gift. Their relationship witnesses to the truth of who we are, and the truth that joy flows from love’s demands. Love centered on Christ and on the other speaks for itself, all without saying a word.

A way to explain why you aren’t living together before marriage

But words are most likely going to come up at some point. So what's a faithful couple to say?

It’s possible to create a non-religious ethos without compromising your religious beliefs--after all, we as Catholics believe that the Father’s plan for our freedom and happiness aligns with natural law and natural virtue. When someone asks why you and your fiancé have chosen not to live together before marriage, consider asking him or her what the point of serious dating and engagement actually are. Once a relationship is serious, both people are committed to each other to some degree, whether that commitment has been communicated verbally or through an engagement ring.

If, during that time, the couple is preparing for the long term (in whatever way that looks like to them--cohabitation for many secular couples, and ideally not cohabitation for faithful ones), it's important to know what strengths and good qualities your partner possesses, and how their virtues will help you yourself to grow in virtue. Someone who opts to live together before marriage is essentially saying she is okay living and sleeping with someone she isn’t married to. A wedding ring won't automatically change that outlook.  

Granted, the likelihood of unfaithfulness in the context of this argument is a little extreme; there are certainly couples who live together and genuinely will good things for each other. Ultimately, though, the fact that your partner wants the fun trappings of married life but not the true commitment of having spoken marriage vows shows a lack of self-discipline and patience. Would most people want to be married to someone who could control their desires and say no, or to someone who couldn't?  

Choosing to wait until after the wedding to move in is a way to grow in that discipline and self-control. So, the point of a committed relationship isn't to see how much one can get from the other--the convenience, fun, and romance of living together before marriage, that is--but how much one can give, by loving selflessly.

---

If you’re reading this and you are living with your fiancé, believe that the Father knows your heart and the intentions behind that choice. He loves you so tenderly, desiring only your best good in a specific, personal way. It’s not too late to change your living arrangements before your wedding or to make the choice to abstain from sex until you’re married. It’s a bold, hard, and possibly inconvenient choice, but one that will strengthen your marriage before it starts by refining your ability to lay your desires down for the sake of the other.

Check back in two weeks for the conclusion of this post, including practical ways to practice for married life without moving in together or diminishing the virtue and true freedom found in chastity.

Meantime, dialogue is so needed in this commonplace conversation, and we'd love your input: in your experience, has the question of cohabitation come up from friends and family members? Anything you'd like to add on the question of how to witness to the Catholic faith in an authentic way and how to answer questions about why you're waiting to move in together?

---

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

BOOK | INSTAGRAM | FACEBOOK

Let God Plan Your Marriage Prep: Concrete Ways to Prepare for Marriage Even Before Setting a Date

THERESA AKRE LANCHONEY

When my fiancé Andrew and I got engaged we decided not to set a date right away, concerned that as soon as we started planning the wedding day, our thoughts would become consumed with details and to-dos. We wanted to ensure we had time to focus on us as couple and prepare for our whole marriage, not just our wedding day. For us, we knew briefly holding off on choosing a date would safeguard this time in our relationship.

During this time of waiting to set our wedding date, we made a decision to spend those months pursue marriage preparation over wedding planning. But we needed to figure out what exactly that would look like: How would we prepare for marriage? How would we focus on our relationship?

Our diocese requires a pre-Cana program, yet we felt our engagement would additionally benefit from something richer. By the grace of God we were already working with a wonderful priest who will be officiating our wedding, so together we started researching books and programs. My fiance and I considered couples we admired and might like to sit down with, and we asked other couples what they did for their marriage prep. It wasn’t long before we were completely overwhelmed!

The Church is becoming increasingly aware of how crucial good marriage preparation is, which means there’s an increasing number of excellent books, programs, and other resources devoted to it. We really didn’t know how to choose, or whose advice to take, when we realized it: Who better to decide than God, our loving Father? So we started praying something like this:

"God you know us and what we need. We are overwhelmed by the amount of options to aid us in our marriage preparation. Please be the one in charge of this. Please plan out and show us what we should do. We trust you.”

Soon after beginning this particular prayer, things started falling into our laps. First, a friend told us about the book Spousal Prayer by Deacon James Keating, which encouraged and strengthened Andrew’s and my prayer life together. Then, the Theology of the Body Institute opened its first-ever marriage retreat to engaged couples, and a friend paid for us to go as an early wedding present. After that, Andrew was finally able to attend the Theology of the Body I Course at the Institute, which we had been trying to make happen for over a year. Both gave us a deeper understanding of what marriage and love truly are and require.

Then, friends called and said they were taking a Dave Ramsey class just down the block from where I lived; would we want to do it with them? We initially didn’t realize this was a way the Lord was preparing us for marriage, thinking it was a great excuse to see close friends on a more regular basis, and who couldn’t use a little help managing money? But, boy did God have more in store for us than that! This class didn’t just give us a little help. It taught us how to communicate about money and set us on a path to financial health and responsibility, giving us tools to stay on that path for the rest of our lives.

After all this, we discerned that the time was now right to start considering a wedding date and signing up for diocesan requirements. We registered for NFP and pre-Cana, which for our diocese involves attending Living a Joy-Filled Marriage and God’s Plan for Joy, two programs designed by Ascension Press. These programs provided so many necessary tools we will need for our marriage and helped us begin implementing things like charting my cycle and making important decisions together. It was around this time that we also set our wedding date! We are now living in the joyful tension of preparing for our wedding day and our marriage.

The only thing that still felt missing was a mentor couple. We had identified couples we thought might be a good fit for us and had approached a few of them, but nothing really panned out. Asking for mentorship, we learned, was a somewhat awkward conversation because we didn’t entirely know what were looking for, just that we wanted guidance and wisdom from a couple further along in the journey of their vocation than we were.

Then, while I was working on this very article, one of the couples we'd had in mind, whom we hadn’t spoken with, called me out of the blue and said something along the lines of, “Hey, my wife and I have been talking about how we would love to mentor an engaged couple and share some of the things we have learned. You and Andrew came to our hearts and we were wondering if you would like us to be a mentor couple.” I could hardly believe that after all the Lord had given us, he was making this so easy!

All this is certainly not to say that you cannot prepare for your marriage and plan your wedding at the same time, as we did at the beginning of our engagement. It is to say that I recommend taking the time to figure out what is best for you and your relationship and inviting the Lord into that process.

We want God, who is Love, to be a part of our marriage. This season of preparing for it has become a constant invitation to God into our relationship.

I hope that my sharing what the Lord provided for my fiancé and I introduces you to some resources that are new to you  and encourages you to rely on the Lord in preparing for your marriage. He truly can be trusted with every little detail in our lives. He desires so deeply to guide and provide for us, if only we come before him and ask.

---

Theresa is the oldest of seven children. She graduated from Purdue University in 2010 with a degree in Youth, Adult and Family Services. Following graduation, she moved from Indiana to Pennsylvania to work for the Theology of the Body Institute and has been there since. She loves hiking, drinking coffee on the porch, sunrises, the ocean, Frank Sinatra, laughing and a good cocktail. She is engaged to marry Andrew on November 5, 2016 and asks your prayers over their engagement and marriage. INSTAGRAM

Editors' Picks | Vol. 3: Bridal Accessories

At Spoken Bride, we love a good book, a good meal, a standout statement necklace, a heel you can dance in, and the list goes on. And when we make those discoveries, we want to tell everyone. So every month or two, we're sharing our latest and favorite finds in everything engagement, wedding, and honeymoon related.

Timeless or trendy, we get that it's the details that create a personal, unforgettable bridal ensemble. To dress and adorn yourself for your beloved is to make of yourself a gift. Though, of course, adornment isn't a requirement--you and your husband-to-be are self-gift in the sacrament of marriage simply because you are--choosing the jewelry, shoes, headpieces, bags, and other accessories that will accompany your gown is one of the most fun parts of planning. Each item you wear takes on the significance of something special. Not sure where to start? Here, from some retailers known and loved and some lesser-known treasures, a few of our favorites to suit a range of styles.

Jiza, Co-Founder + Creative Director

Hair Adornments by Twigs and Honey: Offering everything from a hair vine to a hair pin, these elegant adornments will create the flower crown look without going to the florist. Pair one of these dainty beauties with a simple, relaxed hairdo.

Shoulder Jewelry by Blair Nadeau Millinery: Have a simple dress and looking to add a bit more sparkle? I love these shoulder necklaces. Both delicate and ornate, shoulder jewelry is like the new bolero. 

Juliet Veil Caps by Erica Elizabeth: I am preparing a styled shoot for my business and have been eyeing these Juliet cap veils for a while now. I love how they are Shakespearean meets The Great Gatsby with a modern, ethereal twist.

---

Andi, Public Relations + Vendor Outreach

Custom Family Rosary by Rosaries to Treasure: Have one custom-made with your husband's and you birthstones and that of your wedding month to carry in your bouquet, and later on, create one with the birthstones of your children! All of these rosaries are handmade and one-of-a-kind. I also love the shop's pearl rosaries for weddings and first communions.

Tieks! I jumped on the  bandwagon and bought a pair of their metallic gold flats. I live in flats. Between running around with my kids and at events I need a simple shoe that is comfy and can dress up or down. This is it. There are a ton of color choices; my favorites for brides are the ballerina pink and the bright aqua blue.

Silver Leaf Crown by Acute Designs: These crowns are handmade and so ethereal!

 Plaid Flannel Robe by Chez Blanc: Satin floral robes are everywhere right now, but now that it's fall and the weather is (supposed to be) cooling down, how about a cozy flannel robe? I love the checks combined with lace details.

---

Stephanie, Co-Founder + Content Manager

Faux Fur Stole by Sheeta Design: For outdoor portraits at a rustic Fall or Winter wedding, the combo of drama and coziness is unbeatable. White is classically bridal, but my pick would be the tan shade for subtle contrast and a versatility that extends beyond wedding wear.

Marchesa Sunrise Cluster Earrings: I think the rose gold engagement ring trend is just beautiful. These statement studs, with stones in different blush hues, add warmth and sparkle that complements both rose and yellow gold rings. They'd be gorgeous as part of a vintage-inspired or classic ensemble.

Jack Rogers Eve Sandals: Although I've lived elsewhere, I'm a born and bred East Coast girl with a forever love for preppy-inspired footwear. Jackie O. popularized the Jack Rogers brand's classic Navajo sandals, which lots of brides choose, with good reason! But I like the delicacy and bit of height this Eve style offers for a bridal look--a twist on timeless.

Lace Bandeau by Blush Fashion: Filling in a low sweetheart neckline or paired with a high-waist skirt and sheer blouse as part of a multi-piece look, this handmade lace top, with its pretty floral pattern and delicate scallops, can be worked into your ensemble in multiple ways.

---

Elise, Social Media + Marketing

Christianne + Ruthie Flats by BHLDN: I bought my wedding dress from BHLDN, Anthropologie's wedding line, so I know I'll be returning in the spring to browse their wedding accessories. I've known for a long time that I'll be wearing flats on my wedding day and I'm eyeing these two pairs for their gorgeous sparkle! 

Embellished Exit Dress by Kate Spade: Planning to leave your reception in a dress other than your wedding gown? Kate Spade's bridal line never lacks cute and flirty options.

Personalized Bridal Party Robes by The Applewood Lane: There's no better way to start your wedding day than feeling pretty while getting your hair and makeup done with your bridesmaids. These particular matching robes come in such a rainbow of colors and personalization options that you're sure to find choices that match or complement your wedding colors.

---

We love making new discoveries through each of you! Help our community grow and share some of the bridal accessories you have your eye on in the comments!

3 Thoughts on Being an "Older" Bride

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Most “older” Catholic engaged couples--and their well-meaning family and friends--could easily articulate the downsides to getting married later in life: you’re more set in your ways, you're likely to have more relationship baggage, you have fewer years in which to have children, it’s more difficult to merge your lives together when you’ve been single for so long...

As a 32-year-old, recently engaged Catholic, I’ve meditated on--and sometimes been a bit freaked out by--all of these factors. At the end of the day I always come back to Pope St. John Paul II’s famous dictum: “In the designs of Providence, there are no mere coincidences.”

Photography: Zélie Veils

As much as I lamented being single, to varying degrees, over the past decade, I’m deeply grateful for the fact that I’m getting married at this point in my life. Not because I think it’s crazy to get married young; I have many dear friends and family members who married fresh out of college and in their early twenties. It's because I wasn’t in a position, emotionally or spiritually, to get married right out of college at 22. And so, in an effort to encourage my fellow Catholic brides in their 30s, and my friends who are still waiting for their future husbands, I present to you:

The Three Best Things About Being an Older Catholic Bride:

I’ve been to a LOT of weddings.

I don’t know if I could accurately count how many weddings I’ve been to since my college graduation, but it’s definitely in the double digits. I do know that I’ve been a bridesmaid in six of those weddings and have spent thousands of dollars on flights, dresses, and gifts for the couples whose nuptials I’ve helped celebrate. Some of the weddings were over-the-top platinum style and others were potlucks. I’ve seen everything from horse-drawn carriages transporting the bridal party to the reception site, to professional dancers performing at the reception, to the bride and groom taking the stage to perform with their own band. I’ve been to breathtakingly beautiful nuptial Masses, complete with full-on choirs, and to ten minute-long non-Catholic weddings that began with a slideshow of the couple (no joke).

At this point, it feels like I’ve seen it all. And that is a huge blessing--not only because I’ve been able to celebrate with so many people I love, but because I have a much better idea of what I want and don’t want to do at my own wedding. For example, I’ve been part of quite a few bridal parties that were so large it was impossible to remember everyone’s name, let alone have a peaceful pre-wedding time with the bride. So I opted for a family-only cohort of bridesmaids: just my two sisters, my sister-in-law, and my cousin-who-might-as-well-be-my-sister. I love that they already know each other, I can trust them all to pick out their own dresses because they all have great taste, and that I won’t have to fight them on any bachelorette party details.

I have lots of married friends.

It sounds trite, but I have learned so much from my married friends and siblings. Attending their weddings, spending time with their families, and babysitting their children has been an educational experience par excellence. My sister (married 7 years; three girls) and my dear friend (married almost ten years; two boys, two girls, and one on the way) get the biggest shout-outs here, because they have shared more with me about their struggles and joys as married women raising little ones than anyone else.

I love that I can ask these women anything and get an authentic answer without the sugarcoating. They love being moms and wives, but they are real about the hard stuff--and there’s a lot of hard stuff! Thanks to them, and all of my married friends, I’m much less naive and unrealistic about marriage and motherhood than I used to be (let’s just say that hyper-idealized romantic comedies were not my friend as a teenager and young twenty-something). I think these encounters with reality, the joy and the struggles, will be really helpful once I do get married and (God-willing) have children of my own.

I’ve had more time to work on my stuff.

From my point of view, this is by far the best thing about being 32 and about to get married. Back when I was 22, even though I desired marriage more than anything else in the world--which was symptom of my emotional immaturity--I was in no way, shape, or form even remotely healthy enough to unite my life to another’s. I think I knew this on some deep level, but when you watch so many of your dear friends enter joyfully into marriage right out of college, it’s hard not to think your ship has sailed and you’re doomed to roam the planet alone forever.

The thing is, though, I was wrong. I wasn’t doomed. And I wasn’t ready. Not even close. The Lord had a journey for me to go on, and lots of therapy for me to do, and he wanted me to do it without a husband and children in the mix.

All of this being said: I know lots of women who got married young and who have had beautiful, happy marriages. They grew up and went through the craziness of their 20s with their husbands, and often children, in tow. That was part of God’s plan for them, and I’m so thankful for my friends who began the adventure of marriage in their twenties, because they’ve paved the way for my fiance and me, and for countless other “older” Catholic couples.

I didn't meet my fiance Kristian until a month after my 31st birthday, and a couple of months after his 40th. We had a whirlwind courtship and got engaged a few weeks shy of our six month anniversary. As counterintuitive as it may sound, it doesn't feel like we're rushing into anything; the pace of our relationship has always felt natural. But as most "older" couples will tell you, the cliche "when you know, you know" rings truer when you've had longer to get to know yourself apart. Only July 28th, 2016, I was able to say Yes to Kristian with a depth of conviction 22-year-old Christina wasn't capable of, and for that, I have the Lord and his mercy to thank.

After a decade of prayers, tears, and hoping against hope, and the past seven months of living the answer to those prayers, I am confident that if you approach your vocation with prayer and openness to God's will, He will give you what you need at the proper time. Whether you're 32, or 22, or 42, and regardless of how much (or how little) you and your fiance have been through before you meet, the Lord can make something beautiful out of your union. I hope and pray that Kristian’s and my marriage will be a sign of hope to many, and that we can help build up and encourage our single and married friends through our Yes to the Lord on December 29th.

---

Christina Grace Dehan is a catechist, high school theology teacher, freelance writer, and lover of beauty. She lives in Austin, TX and can't wait to marry her wonderful fiance Kristian in December. She blogs at The Evangelista, where more of her love story is published. BLOG | TWITTER | INSTAGRAM