3 Tips for Choosing Your Mass Music

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CLARE SIMILIE

 

Picking the readings and the music for your wedding Mass is an opportunity to show the beauty of the sacrament. And while it can be fun to choose the music, it can also be a daunting task. There is no end to options for liturgical music and if you haven’t grown up singing in a Church Choir, you may not know where to begin. Here, some helpful tips and suggestions to get you started.

Talk with your fiancé.

Do you imagine all the Mass parts sung in Latin? Do family members have strong opinions about what instruments belong inside a Church? Many of our Church music preferences have been deeply ingrained in us from our Mass-going days throughout our lives. You may assume your fiancé wants, for instance, to walk down the aisle to a guitar Matt Maher song like you do, when in reality he envisions Gregorian chant. You never know until you discuss it! If your tastes differ, be willing to compromise, like opting for a traditional Ave Maria along with a more modern Offertory hymn.

Get on the same page with your Music Director.

While it’s good to have some idea what music you and your fiancé like, having your parish’s  Music Director on board will ease much of the selection process. Many parishes have a guide with certain rules about what pieces you’re permitted to use--for example, did you know Wagner’s “Heres comes the Bride” is not used at Catholic Weddings? It’s helpful to familiarize yourself with the rules beforehand to prevent any conflict. Then, have an open mind! Chances are, the director has been doing this a long time and will have great advice and suggestions.

Research, research, research.

Once you know what the both of you are drawn to and have guidelines from your Music Director, it’s time for the fun part: actually choosing the music. If you don’t even know where to start, think back to your experiences at Mass: Are there any songs that particularly move you? Ones you love grabbing the hymnal and singing along to? You might also consider asking recently married friends about their selections. Put together a Spotify list of any potential songs, and once you have lots of options, take a day to go through the list together and pick some favorites. If you are still stuck, below is a list of suggestions:

 
 

In the end, your wedding Mass, including the music, is a prayer you are offering to God. The beauty of music lifts our souls higher. If you approach your selections with that in mind, you will not fail.

About the Author: Clare Smillie works in development for her diocese's local social service. She is passionate in her work for the Church and enjoys volunteering with her parish and Young Adult Group, and is looking forward to her Summer 2018 wedding. Clare and her fiancé, both graduates of Thomas Aquinas College, bonded over their love of Aquinas, G.K Chesterton and C.S Lewis. Her current favorite saint is Theresa Benedicta of the Cross, a.k.a. Edith Stein, and is inspired by Theresa's love of the intellectual life and pursuit of truth. Clare loves her home state of Montana and is a (very) amateur wedding cake baker.

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When You and Your Sister Are Both Engaged

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KAT FINNEY + GENEVIEVE ALLEN

 

Do you have not just your own wedding drawing near on the calendar, but that of someone else you’re close to?

Kat and Genevieve are sisters who got engaged within three days of each other and were married in the same year. “Wedding planning together was one of the sweetest experiences of our lives,” shares Kat, “but it can also come with some challenges.” For other women planning their weddings at the same time as their own sisters, family members, or close friends, we’re honored to share the fruits of these ladies’ wisdom.

Practical Considerations

In Kat’s words: One of the more obvious benefits to being engaged at the same time as your sister is the mutual experience of planning for one of life’s biggest moments. You get to giggle over wedding magazines and dream about the future together. It’s like that time you marched down the aisle of your shared bedroom together, humming “da da da dum” and wearing veils made of curtains, only it’s real. Take some time together to go to lunch and let it sink in that this is really happening. Take pictures. Toast each other. Soak it up.

A great practical benefit of getting married around the same time as my sister was familiarizing ourselves with vendors in the area. You might consider working with wedding vendors who offer referral packages, should you both choose to book with them. We used many of the same vendors, not only because we liked what they had to offer, but also because many of them had referral offers in exchange for spreading the word about their businesses.

One possible downside: we were concerned since our weddings were in the same year, our guests would have déjà vu once they went to the second wedding. The key when using the same vendors is to stay true to your own taste. It was very tempting for me to just copy all of Gen’s décor, simply because I knew she had great ideas and her wedding would be beautiful. But even though I loved everything about Gen’s wedding and the details she chose, I would have been untrue to myself if I hadn’t gone with my own choices. Never compromise your own style, even when your bestie’s is temptingly gorgeous.

In Genevieve’s words: Kath and I even had some of the same bridesmaids, so we tried to be conscious of cost when making choices for our bridal party. That's at least two dresses, showers, and bachelorette parties your favorite girls might feel pressure to pay for, so consider what investments could be optional. For example, does it really matter that all of your bridesmaids are in heels? No. So request that your girls wear nude shoes, but don't specify a style. If you want everyone in the same kind of jewelry, provide that as your bridesmaid gift.

Lots of these little things won't actually matter to you in the end, but they can provide big savings for some of the most important women in your life. I actually wish I hadn't been so firm on the color of bridesmaid dress for my wedding, because I now love the trend of mismatched but coordinating gowns. This cost consideration goes for wedding guests, too. If you have a registry, include a wide range of items and price points. Whether you’re getting married in the same year as your sister or not, this is a considerate thing to do.

Things to Do Together and Apart

Kat: One of the best decisions Gen and I made was to scheduling our own individual dress appointments, as opposed to trying to find our dresses at the same time. The first time we ever tried on dresses, we decided we’d go and both look together. It would kill two birds with one stone, right?

Wrong. We ended up not really being able to shop well, each wondering if our sister was going to want the same dress or bringing dresses off the racks for each other while forgetting to look for ourselves. We hated every dress we tried on that day and felt discouraged after leaving. This may not be how everyone experiences shared dress shopping dates, but both of us highly recommend making separate appointments. The main reason is it takes the pressure off and allows you to better dote on your friend or sister as she shops for her gown.

Genevieve: Ultimately, this day is about you, your future spouse, and your marriage. It can be easy to forget about that when you’re covered in bridal magazines and fabric swatches. Some things, like choosing shoes or wedding jewelry, are naturally going to be better sister activities.

Most wedding decisions and preparation, however, should be focused on you and your spouse. You probably will be able to identify which wedding tasks your fiancé won't care too much about, but give him the opportunity to make decisions with you before assuming he won't be interested. For example, I knew my fiancé cared not at all about flowers, so this was one aspect of planning Kath and I had a great time tackling together.

Keeping It Prayerful

Kat: We suggest saying a novena together in preparation for your weddings. Obviously this can be done with your fiancé, but it can also be done with your bestie. Nothing is more important in the wedding planning process than spiritual preparation. And when you know you have the spiritual support of your best friend, it can be a real source of grace and inspiration during a potentially stressful time.

Gen and I both took different routes for marriage prep within the Church. It’s good to recognize that your relationship and your sister’s are different, and that no one option is a “best” choice; there’s only a best choice suited to you and your fiancé as a couple.

My fiancé and I met regularly with the deacon at the church where we got married, along with about a dozen couple-to-couple meetings. I couldn’t recommend this more, especially if you know a couple you admire and if you have the time to meet. This brought up so many difficult questions that we were able to answer before getting married, and we had tons of fun with the couple who guided us. The downside to this route is if you don’t know the couple leading you or have trouble relating to them, this could be a very dull, drawn out, and frustrating process, so the Engaged Encounter weekend may be better if you don’t have a mentor couple in mind.

Genevieve: My husband Dalton and I chose to do an Engaged Encounter instead of a mentor couple. We liked the idea of being isolated in a retreat-type setting for our marriage prep, away from distractions.

I could probably write an entire book on the pros and cons of that weekend. Overall, it was very meaningful. We learned a lot about each other, ate bad retreat food, prayed for our future family, learned an overview of NFP (luckily we had our own Creighton instructor to fill in the rest), and generally felt a lot more prepared for marriage. If you have some hurdles to overcome prior to your wedding day--differences in faith practices, family of origin issues, or questions about Church teaching, the couple to couple option might be a more fruitful experience for you.

Finally, try to resist the temptation to compare your engagement, wedding, or relationship to that of your sister and her fiancé. We have found the best way to overcome this is to simply love and want the best for each other. Prayer can help with this, and so can open communication with your future spouse and your sister.

I found that my biggest point of comparison with Kath was actually our rehearsal dinner speeches. Her toast was the perfect blend of humor and emotion, and even as she was delivering it, I was regretting that mine wasn’t as good. I had to try to let that feeling go quickly because I wanted to enjoy the moment, but I’m still kind of jealous, even now! That girl can give a speech.

The joyous swirl of wedding planning is made even better when you are experiencing it with your sister. No one can better understand why you might feel the need to burst into tears when you finally find the perfect cake topper after hours of browsing on Etsy. No one is better at letting you know when you might be veering off into Bridezilla territory. No one's smile will be bigger when you finally walk down the aisle. Well, your fiancé's smile should probably be bigger, but yours might be almost as big.

Visit, or revisit, Kat and her husband Jonathan's wedding here and Genevieve and her husband Dalton's, both rich with New Orleans traditions, here.

About the Authors: Genevieve and Katherine are sisters and best friends from New Orleans, Louisiana. Gen is the older sister, a nurse and lactation consultant living in Louisiana. Kat is a former high school religion teacher who now stays at home in Pittsburgh with her daughter. Gen loves to stay inside and cozy up to a good book; Kat loves to be outside and to do karaoke with her husband. Gen is the introvert; Kat is the extrovert. Since they live far away from each other, they use their blog, The Sister Post, as one way to keep up communication lines and to share ideas and stories with each other and their readers. The purpose of their blog is to empower women to share in a common sisterhood; they see each other as their best resource, and they hope by sharing their own ideas, tips, and stories, other women will be uplifted by the online sisterhood they've created.

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A DIY Bouquet for Literature-Loving Brides

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LAUREN HENDERSON

 

"Can you give me your bouquet for a moment?" asked the Lorax-mustachioed priest at our wedding Mass. I was surprised and a tad embarrassed; I don't love attention, even on my wedding day.

Photography: Jocelyn's Photography, from the author's wedding

Photography: Jocelyn's Photography, from the author's wedding

My bouquet had caught many eyes, including our priest's, because it wasn't made of flowers. I’d created it from the pages of books. Our priest asked for my bouquet during the homily. I handed it over and he started to ad lib about how the novels whose pages I included were symbolic of my husband and I. These books, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and Me Before You by Jojo Moyes (barring its problematic ending), reminded me of how open my husband and I are with each other and how we love doing unusual things together. We each make the other better and are always working at our relationship. Books, said our priest, can already be good as their own entitiesu. But when transformed by marriage and by God, they can become something even more beautiful--like my bouquet.

Two people, their own individuals, become one new entity in marriage, better than they could be alone. How much more beautiful and meaningful could marriage get?

Truthfully, I didn’t think anyone would really care about my bouquet. In fact, when friends and family members heard about the DIY project I’d planned, they did the polite head nodding thing while saying “Oh, that sounds interesting,” which almost always actually means, “Okay, good luck with that.” I continued anyway, a sucker for meaningful things.

Practically, I created this bouquet because I was getting married in February in the Midwest, where fresh flowers would have cost an arm and a leg. But I also did it because my husband and I read The Fault in Our Stars together in our early days of dating. We both identified with the characters' interactions. I love personalizing everything I can and creating meaningful moments. I chose my bouquet as an opportunity to personalize our wedding liturgy.

I bought the books and began tearing out their pages, cutting out petal shapes, and wrapping them around floral wire. It was a long process, yet incredibly worth it--it is something I can keep forever. After the wedding, a friend asked if she could write about it for Reader's Digest in an article about alternative wedding bouquets. I was honored, and sort of stunned that my simple bouquet would reach the amount of people it did.

But isn’t this like marriage? A marriage is hard work: lots of menial tasks, yet so full of sacred meaning. A marriage starts with something ordinary, like a book or like two independent people, and makes it into something extraordinary, like a bouquet or one in the eyes of God. And then these two people go out together and serve. So without trying to, or seeking it, God taught us and our wedding guests the meaning and the call of marriage: to join together and create something extraordinary.

Let God work through your creativity. After all, he is the creator of all life.

About the Author: Lauren Henderson is a newlywed and convert to the Catholic faith who loves cooking, baking, reading, and singing in the car. She studied Psychology in college and enjoys guessing whodunit in mystery shows. A lover of children, she cannot wait to be a mother someday. Lauren and her husband host the podcast God Winks and the Kitchen Sink.

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4 Scripts for Explaining Catholic Wedding Traditions to Friends + Family

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An audio version of this post was featured on our podcast on 11/10/2020.

As you plan your Catholic wedding, you might find friends and family inquiring about the reasons underlying particular marriage traditions in the Church. We’ve been there, and want to be here for you. Often, the default response might be to answer in a defensive way--we defend that which we fiercely love--as we assume anyone asking a question is asking from a place of skepticism or judgment.

While that might be true in some cases, you might find yourself surprised by how many individuals simply have a spirit of curiosity about the Catholic faith and its rituals. Modeling your love after the crucifixion, holding an hour-plus ceremony, and including formal prayer in your wedding are, in many ways, countercultural. To those whom Catholic weddings are unfamiliar, the spirit of inquiry is often genuine. Their questions provide a unique opportunity: to explain these matters with charity, candor, and with an invitation to know more and let the goodness, beauty, and natural reason of the Church speak for itself.

Below, four common questions regarding Catholic wedding liturgies, and how you might answer. We hope you find these points help you articulate why you’ve chosen to marry in the Church, what sets it apart, and most importantly, that they provide the seeds of truly fruitful conversation.

Or perhaps the spirit of curiosity is where you, yourself, are. Questions about the Catholic faith are good; an opening of a new door, not a closing off to inquiry, and an opportunity to learn and contemplate. We hope the questions and answers below offer you the start of greater understanding and critical thought.

Why do you have to get married in an actual church?

It’s not that a a beautiful garden, hotel, or oceanfront venue is an unromantic or insignificant place to profess your lifelong commitment to each other. When Catholics say marriage is a sacrament of the Church, they’re saying they believe earthly things--in this case, the vows spoken by the bride and groom--can literally be transformed by God into something different than what they once were. Once the marriage is consummated, the words spoken at the altar are transformed into a permanent bond breakable only by death.

Because of that belief in sacramental realities, which take place in God’s presence, it makes sense that the sacrament needs to actually take place in his presence. Where is the Lord really, truly present? It’s true that he is all around us in the created world and that prayer can happen anywhere. Yet for Catholics, who believe bread and wine become Christ’s body and blood in the Eucharist, he is there in a real, metaphysical way in the tabernacle of every church--there resides the Eucharist and there, we believe, resides the living Jesus. It’s amazing to consider that he is there in such a tangible way from the first moments of a bride and groom’s life together.

Speaking of vows, why can’t you write your own?

Every sacrament of the Church has a specific rite that must be followed in order for the sacrament to be valid. If a priest doesn't follow the prescribed language of consecration, for instance, the Eucharist for that Mass is invalid. Getting married is the same: in order for the sacrament to take place; that is, for the couple's bond to literally be transformed and suffused with grace, the bride and groom need to speak the language of the Rite of Marriage. It's more than just inputting certain words and getting out a certain result. It's allowing yourselves and your love to take on something entirely, sacramentally new and humbly inviting God into your life together, knowing it takes three, not two, to live out your promises.

But it’s understandable that a couple might want to express their hopes for how they’ll love and serve each other in marriage in their own words. Those who wish to do that can write down these hopes and intentions in letters to each other or can talk together about them.

What about Mary? Why is a part of the Mass dedicated to her?

When you really want something, it can be helpful to have another person helping you get it. Job referrals and references, personal trainers, and therapists fall into this category.

When Catholics pray for something, they believe the saints--men and women from throughout history who were heroically faithful, in ways large and small--can provide the gift of intercession, which means joining in our prayers and offering them to God alongside us. We hold Mary, the mother of Jesus, in the highest regard among the saints for her making her entire life an unreserved yes to God’s will. In praying to her, therefore she brings us to the Lord. We, and our prayers, grow closer to Jesus, through Mary.

That’s not to say every prayer of a person’s heart is answered in exactly the way and time they hope, simply because they prayed for Mary’s intercession, but that her prayers for us, her children, are a great gift. When husband and wife kneel before her during their wedding Mass, they bring their lives to her, asking her to pray for them like any other mother might pray for her children, and to strengthen them in love.

Who’s walking you down the aisle? If not your dad, why?

Although a priest celebrates a couple’s wedding Mass, marriage is actually the only sacrament of the Church wherein the bride and groom, not a priest, actually administer the sacrament. The minister of the sacrament typically processes into the church last, so for couples who choose to acknowledge this, they walk into the church together. For those who do a first look, or who choose to meet for the first time before the procession, it can beautifully signify the bride and groom’s shared role in the sacrament and promises they’re about to enter into.

Couples are also free to choose the tradition of walking in with both parents, or for the bride to process in with her father, which in no way diminishes the couple’s role in the sacrament or their equality as people.

If these outlines for your conversations are helpful, we’d love to know! Share with us, in the comments and on our social media, any other areas of Catholic weddings and marriage for which you’d welcome talking points.

Read more apologetics-related matters:

Explaining the Eucharist to your guests | Talking with friends about cohabitation, Part I | Part II | Navigating the revised Rite of Marriage

5 Ways to Incorporate Ethically Made + Eco-Friendly Products into Your Wedding

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ERIN MACKEY

 

Pope Benedict XVI said, “Purchasing is always a moral—and not simply economic—act.” As an newly engaged couple, you and your fiancé have a unique opportunity to many options for including service to others in the material preparations for your wedding and marriage.

The purchases you make for your wedding and reception reflect your values. From your dress to the flowers, there is a person behind each product. And just like you, they have a story to share. These creators' stories become part of yours. So, consider choosing ethically made, fair trade, vintage and local sources to carry out your commitment to service in your celebration.

Here, five ways to incorporate ethically made and eco-friendly products into your wedding and reception:

Jewelry: vintage, fair trade and conflict free

Vintage rings are great for those who love stories from the past. When you buy a vintage ring—or, if you’re lucky—have one handed down to you, you preserve past memories and prevent the ring from being tossed out or forgotten. If you prefer a new engagement ring or wedding bands, consider purchasing rings that are certified fair trade and conflict free. Either way, you’ll have peace of mind knowing you’re not unintentionally funding child labor or violent conflict—and you’ll be helping to protect the environment from pollution caused by conventional mining practices.

Wedding gowns: vintage, fair trade, and repurposing 

Like vintage rings, vintage gowns are a great eco-friendly option. You can have fun searching for just the right gown that reflects your style or pays homage to a particular era. I personally love the style of Grace Kelly’s iconic gown and was thrilled to see that Kate Middleton, now the duchess of Cambridge, chose a similar style when she got married.

Fair trade wedding dresses are growing in popularity. Handmade by artisans in developing countries who are paid fair wages, these dresses are crafted in safe conditions that also respect the environment.

After the wedding, it might be hard to imagine parting ways with your beloved gown, so consider these ethical alternatives to preserve it: upcycle your dress into christening gowns, or donate it  to an organization that provides for brides who might not be able to afford a new (or even a used) gown. Which brings me to my last idea: you can sell your dress to a consignment shop to be loved by another bride.  

Bridesmaid dresses: fair trade

We all want our closest friends—our sisters—to feel confident, comfortable and beautiful in their bridesmaid dresses. My friends have always been so thoughtful when choosing dresses, and I’m grateful for the time and energy they put in to choosing a dress that would flatter me and work for my budget. Fair trade bridesmaid dresses are becoming easier to find and, just like fair trade wedding gowns, are handmade by artisans in developing countries who earn fair wages. And their prices are very comparable—and sometimes less—than similar bridesmaid dresses.

Flowers: local, seasonal and fair trade

I’ve always enjoyed seeing seasonal flowers at weddings: sunflowers in late summer, daffodils in early spring, or flowers not native to my Maryland home when I’m attending a wedding out of state. Local farms and florists will let you know which blooms are native to your region and will be available during your wedding month. By choosing native flowers that are in season, you support your local economy.  

Fair trade flowers are another option worth considering. Although they may be shipped from overseas, fair trade flowers can set your arrangements apart. They are produced by workers who earn fair wages, and come from farms that use sustainable practices.

Gifts: fair trade registries and donations

You can include fair trade options on your gift registry, too. From kitchenware to other home essentials, fair trade products add special meaning to gift giving. And if there’s nothing you really need or want, consider giving guests the option of donating to you and your future spouse’s favorite charity, instead. As someone who never knows what to get as a gift, the option for a donation is always welcome, and it gives me a glimpse into my family and friends’ particular hearts for service.

I hope you find these tips helpful as you prepare for your wedding. You truly have an opportunity to be a witness to your guests on your wedding day, and the products you choose to use can be a powerful way of showing your commitment to service and responsibility.

About the Author: Erin Mackey is a young professional who strives to live out her faith by seeking a simple, sustainable and conscious lifestyle. She loves discovering new ethical companies that are changing the world and believes business can be a force for good. She currently serves on the Ethical Trade team at Catholic Relief Services and in her free time enjoys tea dates, exercise and listening to podcasts. Erin has contributed to The Catholic Woman and appeared on The Catholic Feminist and Leah Darrow's Do Something Beautiful podcasts.

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When Your Reception is "Just" In the Church Hall

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In a culture awash with Pinterest-perfect images, it’s easy to feel inadequate about having a relatively simpler wedding. In a word, don’t.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Soul Creations Photography

PHOTOGRAPHY: Soul Creations Photography

Reception venues, in particular, can help convey the desired theme for your day, from a rustic-chic barn to an elegant ballroom. But what if these locations just aren’t in the cards for you?

Couples on a budget frequently turn to parish halls and event spaces for their receptions, and truly, they are as worthy a dwelling for your joy as anywhere. Even without certain amenities, your church hall reception will be beautiful, because at its heart it will reflect the love between you, your new husband, and your shared love for Christ. Consider these ways to embrace your reception situation.

No need to apologize.

Knowing you and your guests might have attended more elaborate wedding venues in the past, you might be tempted to apologize for “just” having a church hall reception. But there’s no need.

As much as guests might appreciate certain glamorous elements, it’s not the glamour they’re attending your wedding for. It’s you. And being there for you on your big day involves enjoying any and all offerings, from food to favors to music, with gratitude. You, your beloved, and your parents are the hosts of your day, and it’s gracious for hosts to embody poise and self-assurance, rather than self-consciousness, in their choices. Your guests will follow your lead and, in all likelihood, will be so happy to share in your day that anything besides your union with your new spouse will be secondary.

In the mid-twentieth century, many city parishes held weekly dances for young adults, as well as meals and shelter for those going without. The hall was a central part of parish life; in holding your reception in one, know that you’re taking part in a long tradition of Catholic culture. Additionally, there are the benefits of little to no travel time between your Mass and reception, allowing for more time for photos and with guests, and of knowing you’re making a financial contribution to the Church.

Cultivate creativity and confidence.

If your hall is simply arranged, consider it a blank slate and, if it's a priority for you, find ways to maximize the setting. Adding in ambient lighting to offset overhead bulbs, renting pretty chair and table covers, and using blank wall areas for décor can all help enhance your space.

What’s more, trust in your wedding vendors to help you maximize your resources. Coordinators, for instance, are familiar with working in a variety of settings. Photographers have trained themselves in using natural and artificial light to its best advantage and to prioritizing tighter, close-up shots when a location calls for it, all to produce beautiful images that capture the spirit of your day.

Remember it’s the experience that will linger.

Wedding photographers frequently say that no matter how well-dressed their clients are for a session, or no matter how beautiful the shooting location, if the clients feel stressed or awkward they won’t look at their final images with fondness. In other words, people generally remember how they felt more than what their surroundings were like. So strive to create a reception atmosphere that’s relaxed and festive, filled with affirmation, warm greetings, and dancing. When you and your guests look back at your wedding images, you’ll remember that palpable sense of joy more vividly than any other aspect.

The weddings we’re honored to share with you in this ministry range from elaborate to simple, with a variety of aesthetics unique to each of our brides and their beloveds. We love getting a glimpse of your hearts and hearing your stories, knowing you share with us a love for the good, true, and beautiful. And we know that you know it’s not about the material trappings of weddings: what shines forth most brightly, what makes a “Spoken Bride wedding,” and what we are here to share above all, is that a love rooted in Christ is the ultimate source of immense beauty in and of itself.

Inviting the Lord Into Your Wedding Week Timeline

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KEARA MOOBERRY

 

As a professional planner helping Catholic brides and grooms coordinate their weddings, I am called to reflect on the beautiful traditions of our Church. My reflection has brought me to consider my own wedding--almost seven years ago--and how if I were planning it from the place of deep faith I hold today, the timeline of our wedding festivities would have looked a bit different.

Part of this spirit of reflection comes from where my husband and I were in our faith journey at the time we got married. We were both strong in our love for Christ and for the Church. Neither of us, however, was well-versed in the rich traditions of our faith outside of Sunday Mass.

Today, I love reading about engaged and newlywed couples who seem so practiced in their faith. It fills my heart with joy seeing how deeply it is integrated into their proposals, wedding preparations, celebrations, and families.

These brides and grooms truly place their marriages at Christ’s feet, acknowledging their primary vocation is to glorify him by serving each other in the sacrament of marriage.

Since I don’t have my own wedding to do over again, I pray that through my services, I am able to help and encourage my Catholic couples to integrate their spiritual life into their weddings. This means supporting them in timeline creation and helping them plan not just a day-of schedule, but a wedding week with significant time for spiritual rest and preparation leading up to the big  day.

Below are some of my favorite suggestions, as well as a sample timeline for structuring your own wedding week around Christ.

Confession

How wonderful would it feel to enter into marriage with a clean conscience, having absolutely no sin weighing down on you as you make your vows? In our marriage, my husband and I try to go to confession regularly, as it provides us with a time to support to each other in the sacrament. The day or two before your wedding, consider scheduling in a time to head off to confession with your beloved.

Daily Mass

Hearing the word of God, receiving the Eucharist, giving our Lord thanks and praise: the Mass has so much to offer our hearts! I encourage you to look up daily Mass times for the day before your wedding and take that extra hour to continue centering your hearts in preparation.

Adoration

I love the idea of Adoration before your rehearsal, with an invitation to your families and bridal party to join you. You could bring a prayer card, Rosary, or journal. Or, simply kneel in Christ’s presence, allowing him to wash over your hearts and fill you with the Holy Spirit. 

Veneration of Mary

This tradition can be part of your wedding ceremony, so it wouldn’t need to be included on an official timeline, but do discuss it with your priest. I love this tradition because you are asking our Mother of all the faithful to pray for you as you start your own family. This could involve lighting a candle before her statue or placing flowers at her feet. 

I hope these suggestions help you reflect as you think about your own wedding. The dress, the flowers, the food, the party...these details all give glory to God in their own true beauty. But the prayerful traditions of our faith offer us the even deeper beauty of union with Christ, his Church, and our spouses. I pray you find this fruit in your marriage preparations!

Below is a sample wedding week timeline Keara created for Spoken Bride readers; click to download your copy.

 
 

About the Author: Keara Mooberry is a Catholic wife, mother to two little boys, and a wedding coordinator, owner of Keara Anne Weddings, based out of the greater Philadelphia area. She loves helping engaged couples stay organized and calm as they prepare for their wedding days and marriages. In her spare time, Keara can be found swimming, reading to her boys, and striving to live liturgically in her home.

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Preparing for the Wedding Feast...of the Lamb

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EMILY RICCI

 

When my husband proposed to me, we sat around being cute and happy for approximately an hour before I pulled out a notebook. “Okay,” I said to him. “Are you ready to get to work?”

From that day on, and throughout the entirety of our 306-day engagement, I don’t think I ever stopped thinking about wedding details. I was a DIY bride with a penchant for holding a wedding on a budget, so I was always doing something: hand painting frames for centerpieces, printing and cutting invitations in my college library, spending hours scouring the internet for deals.

The only time I’d ever really pause would be during Adoration. I work at a college, and each morning, I’d stop at the chapel to pray. As I knelt before the Blessed Sacrament, I'd mentally count down the days until our wedding, letting go of the details for a few moments. Truly resting in the beauty of the sacrament I was preparing to receive.

It was during one of these times of reflection, just prior to our wedding day, that I had this thought: Jesus often uses the imagery of a wedding during his teaching, because he equates a wedding to what heaven will be like. Imagine, then, if we were to prepare for the Wedding Feast of the Lamb like we prepare for our own weddings.

What would that preparation look like? And how can the different stages of wedding planning aid us in our journey both to the altar and our ultimate destination? Here, my suggestions for navigating your planning with our ultimate purpose in mind:

Your Announcement

There’s something wonderfully thrilling about seeing the word engaged next to your name on Facebook and watching the reactions and shocked comments pour in.

As I restrained myself from posting every subsequent detail about wedding planning throughout my engagement, I started thinking about how I presented myself online in general.

Did my friends and family know, for instance, how important my faith is to me? I realized that in coming to my wedding, some may be surprised how “Catholic” it was going to be, and that perhaps being less afraid to talk about my faith online might be an easy way to continue evangelizing after the wedding.

Selecting Your Wedding Party

For our earthly wedding, we select the wedding party with care. We look to close relatives and friends, choosing men and women who will not only be fun to celebrate with, but whom we can depend on; people who are reliable and will keep us calm and organized.

In the same way, we can prepare a “wedding party” to accompany us on our faith journey, surrounding ourselves with people who lead us toward God and encourage us to follow him.

Revel in the moments spent with dear friends. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to lean on others for spiritual support. The community of women within Spoken Bride is a lovely place to start.

The Dress

I went wedding dress shopping early, because that was the stage of planning I was most looking forward to. I tried on the first dress the stylist chose, saw myself in the mirror, and instantly knew it was the dress. I did try on two others, but an hour later had already put down the deposit on the first. I knew people would think I was crazy for buying the first wedding dress I’d ever tried on, but it didn’t matter. I just knew it was the one.

What makes your soul feel beautiful? For me, it’s playing Christian music on my way to work. While Praise and Worship may not be everyone’s style, rocking out to a spiritual tune sets my soul on fire. Whatever makes your soul feel beautiful, do that. Don’t feel pressured to conform to what works for others’ spiritual journeys, but ensure you are taking time during this season of engagement to beautify your soul in addition to your body.

DIY

I was a DIY bride: everything I could make myself, I did, loving being such an integral part of the process. Did it cause me to have breakdowns about postcard paper mailing weights and how to glue together paper frames? Absolutely. But I regret nothing, because I got the full wedding experience I’d wanted for myself.

Ironically, when it comes to preparing for the Wedding Feast of the Lamb, I’d advise the exact opposite: don’t try to DIY it.

We were made to be social creatures. Spiritual communion can be a beautiful thing among friends. One of my best religious memories is of praying the Rosary with my college friends when Daily Mass was cancelled one day, echoed beautifully when these same friends all came together to pray the Rosary before the Blessed Sacrament the night before our wedding. Be especially unafraid of relying on your fiancé or husband. That is your ultimate calling--to lead one another to heaven!

All the Details

My personality and habits made me meticulous about the details of our wedding. From including handwritten, personalized notes inside each place card to redoing the venue’s menu cards so everything would be the same color, I wanted everything to be perfect.

Yet my perfectionism didn’t always translate to my faith. While in my mind everything had to be the right color at my wedding, I was perfectly fine giving myself excuses about my prayer life: well, God can’t expect me to be perfect.

The thing is, he can, and he does. My wedding encouraged me to not settle for average in my faith life, but to strive to be as spiritually perfect as I can be.

The Wedding Day

The day of our wedding, I woke up at 5 A.M. I took a deep breath, looked at the sun streaming through my window, and was filled with elation, just like I always thought I would be.

Then--unlike I ever thought--I looked at the time, decided I was still tired, and fell back to sleep for another half hour. At the very moment I thought I’d be most nervous, all the stress of the past months simply melted away in the joy of marrying my best friend, whom I had been longing for and anticipating for years.

That’s how I want to feel on the day that God brings me home. I want to feel so prepared, so  ready for his coming that I can be full of peace in finally being united to him. Just as I gave myself wholeheartedly to my husband on our wedding day, so too do I want to be able to give a pure, loving heart to the Creator, free of sin and full of joy, with longing anticipation to be totally his.

The period of engagement can be beyond hectic, but allow yourself the time and space to make it a spiritual journey, as well as a practical one. Know of my  prayers for you as you prepare for your big day here on earth, and for the other “big day” you’ll someday reach in heaven!

About the Author: Emily Ricci – Emily Ricci is a Spoken Bride vendor and the owner of Gloriam Marketing, a Catholic marketing, consulting, and event planning firm that also designs programs and custom inserts for Catholic weddings. She married her college sweetheart and best friend on June 16, 2017 and has a passion for Christ, marketing, and the Oxford comma (in that order).  

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How to Include Non-Catholic Family in Your Wedding Preparations

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ADA THOMAS

 

There you are: scrolling through Catholic wedding resources, reading, taking notes on the best ways to incorporate your faith into your big day. But there, in the back of your mind, a voice is saying, what if this doesn’t go over well with my family?

Planning a wedding can be a stressful experience in any family situation, but when your family or your fiancé's don’t share your faith, it can be even trickier.

Everyone brings their own set of expectations to a wedding. As a bride, the hardest thing you will have to do is to balance all of these expectations with the reality that it is your wedding. And when you add in family who may not share or entirely understand your enthusiasm for having a Catholic wedding, you might feel like you're kissing your sanity goodbye.

Here, a few ways to make your family feel included in your big day, even if they aren’t Catholic or don't share your faith:

Be open.

Surprises are fun at birthdays. But when it comes to your big, fat, Catholic wedding, surprises should be avoided. Let your family know what to expect on your wedding day. Depending on your family's openness, this may or may not be a great time to delve into the mysteries of the Church. Regardless, letting family know what is expected of them at the nuptial Mass is never a bad idea. Consider including a detailed Mass rubric in your program so that guests know exactly what to do throughout the Mass. Eliminating guesswork makes everyone feel more at ease.

It is also a good idea, and powerful (and sometimes unspoken) witness, to share with your non-Catholic family your reasons for choosing to have a Catholic wedding at all. Sure, you could have had your wedding on the beach or while skydiving, but you chose to get married in the Church because it's important to you. Don’t be afraid to share which parts of your wedding liturgy are most meaningful to you or the reasons behind the readings you've chosen.

Find common ground.

Although a Catholic wedding may be different from what your family is used to, there are probably areas where you can find common ground. Most religious groups, for example, include readings from their foundational texts at weddings, and nearly all cultures throughout the world have wedding receptions of some kind, so you should be able to find at least a few commonalities when it comes to including family in your plans.

Consider making a list of these common areas and designating those as the tasks where you can seek assistance from non-Catholic family and friends.

Incorporate family traditions.

You aren't going to be able to live up to every guest’s expectations for your wedding. This doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t include some elements of your family’s history and traditions into the celebration, especially if getting married in the Church means breaking with family tradition.

To honor your families, consider adding heirloom jewelry to your wedding ensemble or meaningful touches to the décor to commemorate members of your family. There is no need for grand gestures, but small tokens assure your family know that you love them and that their traditions are important to you, particularly on your wedding day.

Be at peace.

Finally, be at peace. You are getting married, and preparing to partake in a beautiful sacrament. You and your fiancé are  starting a new and amazing chapter in your life. Is everyone going to be perfectly happy with your wedding? Probably not, but that’s okay.

Take time to enjoy the process of planning your weddings, and to enjoy the aspects of it that reflect your faith. Pray that your non-Catholic guests will not only feel welcomed, but inspired by the beauty of your wedding Mass.

About the Author: Ada Thomas studied English at the University of Dallas and currently teaches elementary school. She will be marrying her college best friend in November. When she is not wedding planning or teaching, Ada can be found contemplating classical education, redecorating her apartment for the hundredth time, and reading British novels.

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Why I Didn't Use Pinterest to Plan My Wedding

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CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

I remember when Pinterest became popular, because it coincided roughly with the time when I first began blogging. I had dreams of becoming a Catholic fashion blogger, so Pinterest seemed like a brilliant concept to me: one convenient digital home for all of my favorite style, decor, and recipe ideas. I got to a point where I was spending hours on Pinterest each day, constantly re-pinning from other boards, checking to see who had re-pinned or liked my pins, and scouring my favorite blogs for images to pin. It became unhealthy, and once I recognized my addiction, I stopped using Pinterest cold turkey. It is a form of social media that I simply couldn’t use in moderation.

Fast forward to the summer of 2016. I was engaged and in the midst of planning a wedding within a five month time frame. Every wedding vendor I contacted asked to see Pinterest boards for examples of my aesthetic, and I think I surprised all of them when I admitted that I hadn’t actually created any Pinterest wedding boards. Even in the height of my Pinterest obsession, I had an intuition that creating a “dream wedding” board would not be good for me emotionally, nor would it be good for my eventual wedding budget.

How did I plan a wedding in five months without Pinterest? Considering the fact that I was 32 and had been to many weddings by the time I was engaged, I had a good sense for what I did and did not want in terms of flowers, a dress, reception venue, and so on. I ended up being thankful that I had broken my Pinterest habit long ago, because it made the planning process much simpler and less stressful. 

Instead of scrolling through a seemingly infinite number of ideas for centerpieces, wedding favors, dresses, hairstyles, and bouquets, I shared my initial thoughts with my vendors, and trusted them to execute things beautifully. Also, many of the wedding-related photos on Pinterest are so stylized and luxe that they are cost-prohibitive for the average bride, and can lead to sadness and jealousy--neither of which are from the Lord.

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think Pinterest is bad in and of itself, nor do I think it’s completely useless. I can be a useful tool for brides who are on the fence about what they want, or who are super crafty and want a DIY wedding, need some Spoken Bride-style inspiration for their Mass or reception, or who simply aren’t going to get sucked into the vortex of comparison and greed that can be prompted in some of us (me) by Pinterest. 

But if you’re like me, and Pinterest is more of an occasion for sin than it is a helpful tool, consider either scaling back on your Pinterest time or not using it at all, and focus on working directly with your vendors to design the various aspects of your wedding. You may find that wedding planning is much less stressful this way, and that it will still be beautiful, because it will be a reflection of the love of Christ present in you and your future husband’s relationship.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments: did you use Pinterest when planning your wedding? Did you choose not to? Please share! 

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About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Editors Share | Wedding Readings

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It’s our privilege to be invited into your story and vocation. In gratitude, we love to share ours with you, as well. Today, the team shares the meaning behind the readings used at their wedding Masses.

 

Christina, Associate Editor

First reading, Tobit 8:4b-8: When I was single, St. Raphael was one of my most-loved intercessors, thanks to the book of Tobit--one of the most under-appreciated books in the Deuterocanon. That alone was enough to make this reading a top contender, but in the end we chose it because of the important role prayer has played (and will continue to play) in our relationship, and because the prayer of Tobias and Sarah recounts the establishment of marriage by God in Genesis. It’s like getting two Old Testament readings for the price of one!

Second Reading, 1 Cor. 12:27–13:8a: For the longest time, I swore I would never choose this reading for my nuptial Mass, simply because everyone chooses it. But, as my husband Kristian and I were praying about which readings to choose, we kept coming back to St. Paul’s famous “hymn to love.” It is the perfect description of the kind of love Christ has for his Church, and the love Kristian and I strive to show each other.

Gospel, Luke 1: 26-38: We chose this Gospel because it is the preeminent example of the fact that “nothing is impossible for God.” Throughout our single years, Kristian and I both struggled to believe we could, like Mary, trust in the Lord completely and place our lives in his hands. When we met and fell in love, our faith in God’s ability to do the seemingly impossible was renewed. In response to this gift,we hope to make Mary’s fiat our own throughout our life together.

 

Stephanie, Co-Founder + Editor in Chief

First Reading, Tobit 8:4b-8: Valentines’ Day of my sophomore year of college, I read an article by the Vatican’s Zenit News describing several individuals who’d met their future spouses after habitually saying a particular prayer to St. Raphael, the intercessor of Sarah and Tobias’ relationship in the Book of Tobit, the patron of “happy meetings,” and of Christian marriage. Honestly, I was skeptical, but having known the ache of singleness and deep desire to be known and seen, I began saying the prayer daily for my future husband.

God is never outdone in generosity. Three years later, I met my husband, and we continued praying to St. Raphael in thanksgiving, and for friends and family, as we dated. When the time came to choose our wedding readings, an Old Testament reading reflecting our devotion to him seemed like a natural choice. This reading from Tobit, the wedding night prayer of Sarah and Tobias, is beautiful to us for its words of love prevailing over lust and life over death. A love that praises the Father and is life-giving is what we strive for in our marriage, and we revisit these words often.

Second Reading, Eph. 5:2a, 21-33: I have to admit choosing this passage as our Second Reading was partially rooted in defiance. St. Paul’s instruction that wives be subordinate to their husbands is so widely rejected or misunderstood. We hoped for an opportunity to shed some light and clarity on what is actually a beautiful framework for self-giving, self-emptying love that imitates Christ’s own sacrifice. Our priest did illuminate the true meaning of this reading wonderfully in his homily.

Gospel, John 2:1-11: From the start, Our Lady has been the avenue of grace upon grace in our relationship. At Cana, as Jesus readies himself to perform his first public miracle, water into wine, his mother instructs the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” My husband and I loved the fact that it’s at a wedding where Christ chooses to begin revealing his glory, elevating marriage to a sacrament, and moreover, that Our Lady speaks not only to the servants, but to us. Seeking to follow Jesus, through Mary, is a constant pursuit in our marriage, beginning with that Gospel right before we said our vows.

 

Andi, Business Director

First Reading, Genesis 1:26-28, 31a: I love this reading for its simplicity. At the time of our wedding in 2007, the definition of marriage was much less controversial. This is where it all began: God creating man and woman and affirming them as good. He then blesses all of creation and commands them to be fruitful and multiply--something we hoped would happen soon after our wedding.

Second Reading, Eph. 5:2a, 21-33: During my courtship with my husband, my girlfriends and I delved into this passage from Ephesians and what it really meant for husbands and wives. When wives submit themselves to the mission of their husbands, whose role it is to die to themselves for their wives and family. We were blown away by the beauty of it all.

The Gospel we chose is same as Stephanie’s, and we selected it for a similar reason.

 
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Jiza, Co-Founder + Creative Director

Our Lady and the Solemnity of her Assumption played a significant role in our courtship, and since the date of our wedding providentially fell on that day, we decided to have our Nuptial Mass fulfill the Holy Day of Obligation. Our wedding was celebrated as a Solemn High Mass in the Tridentine Latin Rite (Extraordinary Form); within the Extraordinary Form, the readings are on a one-year cycle (vs. a three-year cycle in the Novus Ordo). Therefore, the readings for August 15, our wedding day, are always an Epistle from Judith 13:22-25 15:10, and a Gospel from Luke 1:41-50. It was so special for us to honor Our Lady in such a way.

Your story is a blessing to our community. We look forward to hearing the stories behind your own wedding readings in the comments and on our social media!

An Introduction to the Byzantine Rite of Marriage

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JULIA DEZELSKI

 

If you’ve ever attended a Catholic wedding, you know the Church does weddings a little differently than other traditions- there are certain things we do and don’t do. However, if you are a Catholic in the United States, chances are you may not know that the Church has different marriage rites, depending on the liturgical rite a couple belongs to. I barely knew myself until I was planning my own wedding in the Byzantine rite. For every liturgical rite in the Catholic Church (there are over twenty!) there is a different liturgy of marriage in keeping with the rite’s tradition.


Last December, when I was married in the Byzantine rite, I had only once attended a wedding in the Eastern Catholic Church and needed plenty of instruction. I had been officially welcomed into the Eastern Catholic Ukrainian Church the previous June after requesting a change of rite (from the Latin rite in which I was raised). It was during my studies abroad in Rome that I stumbled upon the Byzantine rite through association with the Russian Catholic Church established there on the Esquiline hill. I was initially attracted by the beauty and depth of the liturgy (although I didn’t know any Russian!) and after further study of the history, iconography, and spirituality of the East, I knew that I wanted one day to embrace that patrimony as my own. Upon returning to the United States, I had the opportunity to do so and my husband-to-be was very supportive (and curious) about marriage in the Eastern rite.

Despite our inexperience and our guests’ unfamiliarity with the Eastern celebration of marriage, everyone was touched by the unparalleled beauty of the rich symbolism behind every gesture and edified by the solemnity of the rite.

Here are a few of the most interesting features of the Byzantine rite marriage:

The Procession

Much to the surprise of our guests, my father did not accompany me down the aisle. Instead, my husband and I processed hand-in-hand down the aisle behind the celebrants. By entering together, we crossed over the threshold of the church as equal partakers in this unfolding mystery of love. The focus is not on the bride alone, but on the couple, already becoming one mind and one heart as they make their way into the House of God.

Unlike other weddings, we did not have a handsome band of ladies and gents as an entourage. Instead, our two witnesses led the wedding procession carrying icons of Jesus and the Virgin Mary into the church. These icons now hold a prominent place in our home and serve as a reminder of that sacred day and its foundation. The choir’s intonation of Psalm 27 during the procession served as a reminder: “Happy are all who fear the Lord, who live according to His will. You shall eat the fruit of your own labors, you shall be happy and you shall prosper. Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the heart of your home …”

The marriage rite actually begins in the vestibule of the church with the service of betrothal that confirms the free will and intent of the bride and groom. Although we were already betrothed (more on that later), we reaffirmed our free and unconstrained consent to enter into the marriage covenant.

Intercessions

As soon as we had publicly professed our intent, we were prayed for by those around us. The Byzantine liturgy is sprinkled with intercessory prayer: for the soon-to-be spouses, for blessings upon their marriage, for the fruits of the bride’s womb, for the couple’s children and their children’s children. Drawing upon a rich array of biblical marriages, the priest then offers a prayer to bless the couple like the biblical couples from Adam and Eve to Mary and Joseph. By being prayed over with such powerful imagery, the new couple becomes a part of the biblical story of redemption and a link in the genealogy of Christ’s second coming.

Marriage Vows and Crowning

To seal their participation in the story of salvation, the bride and groom are now invited to place their right hands on the Gospels. The priest then covers their hands with his stole as the groom followed by the bride read their marriage vows. Both my husband and I appreciated that we were not asked to repeat the words of the priest - we read them for the first and only time directly off the page. The vows were simple and profound, undergirded by the promise to love, respect, and be always faithful to our spouse with the help of God and all the saints.

The sacrament of matrimony in the Byzantine rite is also called the Holy Mystery of Crowning. The reason why becomes apparent at this moment, when the bride and groom are now crowned - that’s right - literally crowned with either a wreath of myrtle or a crown of jewels (not exactly precious jewels, but not plastic, either!)

The crowning is most certainly the most dramatic part of the ceremony, not only for the spouses who are trying to keep their heads upright, but for the whole assembly that witnesses a new dimension of marriage that is not typically highlighted in a wedding. The crowning is not some sort of mock celebration of how the newly wedded spouses might feel on top of the world but instead the “crowns of glory and honor” placed on their heads symbolize the honored martyrs who shed their blood and gave their lives for Christ and their neighbor. Like the crown of martyrdom, the crown is a prize of a marriage well-lived: a crown of sacrifice and self-giving. It is a foretaste of a glorious marital end!

The Common Cup and Procession

The Byzantine marriage rite is not celebrated within the context of a eucharistic celebration. However, a chalice of unconsecrated wine is offered to both husband and wife, symbolizing the bitter and sweet moments of married life that they will share together. This is followed by a final ritual journey when their hands are joined with an embroidered cloth and bound to one another, the couple is led around the tetrapod - a symbol of Christ - three times, by the priest carrying the Gospels. Again, the couple is starting their journey together by following the Word of God with Christ as the cornerstone of their life’s foundation.

The concluding prayer invokes God’s blessing on the couple until their crowns are received into God’s kingdom.  

In every Catholic liturgical rite, marriage is a sacrament that places you on a life journey of complete self-giving (and hopefully, a crown will be your prize!). Francis and I began our life journey walking as a couple over the threshold of the church and hope to journey together towards the Kingdom of Heaven while building our domestic church day by day. Regardless of rite or tradition, all Catholics are building the same Church - in their marriages and homes - each in their own way. This is the beauty of the Church: its unity and its diversity.

 

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About the author: Julia Dezelski is currently finishing a doctorate in Theology. Her areas of interest include marriage and family, consecrated states of life, and the feminine genius among others. Julia was married last December in Washington, DC and can’t wait to cuddle with her first child due in January.

Uniquely Catholic Wedding Favors

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While wedding favors are by no means necessary, many couples want to thank their guests for their support and love with a memento of some kind. And while you can find lots of fun favor ideas on Pinterest, it’s a bit more difficult to find uniquely Catholic wedding favors--especially if you haven’t been to many Catholic weddings yourself. We compiled a list of some of our favorite Catholic wedding favors, and hope that those of you who are in the planning process will find something that suits your needs.

Calligraphy by Sarah Ann Design. Photo by Angela Sostarich.

Calligraphy by Sarah Ann Design. Photo by Angela Sostarich.

A print with your favorite spiritual quotation

Hand-lettered prints with quotations from Scripture or the Saints are all the rage right now, and for good reason: they are wonderful reminders of the truth and beauty of the faith that look beautiful in any living space. Our associate editor Christina purchased small “Love is the beauty of the soul” (St. Augustine) prints for each of her guests from Rose Harrington Art. Other options to explore for this kind of favor include Spoken Bride vendors Just Love Prints and Telos Design, as well as When Beauty Met Truth, Be a Heart Design, and Brass & Mint Co. (just to name a few).

A holy card featuring your patron saint(s)

A personalized holy card is a wonderful (and inexpensive) way to both share your faith and encourage your guests to continue to pray for you and with you after the wedding day is over. You could choose a patron saint, an image of Mary and Joseph’s wedding or the wedding at Cana, or any favorite religious image. On the back, consider including your names, wedding date, and a prayer--either a traditional Catholic prayer to that saint, or a prayer that you and your fiance write yourselves.

Bottles of holy water or blessed salt

Holy water and blessed salt are powerful sacramental to keep in the home (or the car, or a purse…), so why not bless your wedding guests with their own bottle? You can find small plastic holy water bottles online (something similar would work for blessed salt), and as long as you have the time to fill them up with tap water or salt and a priest friend who will bless them, this favor won’t add much time or money to your wedding planning.

Rosary or chaplet

A rosary is the wedding favor that keeps on giving; not only will your guests be able to use it for personal prayer, but if you purchase a more unique-looking rosary such as this St. Benedict cord rosary, they will remember to pray for you and your groom each time they use it.

A CD Featuring your Wedding Music

If you and your fiance are music lovers and have the time and talent to do so, consider burning CDs for your guests featuring your own recordings of the music from your wedding Mass, or a collection of your favorite hymns or spiritual songs.

Are you planning on giving out favors at your wedding? We’d love to hear your ideas in the comments!

Three Reasons to Have a "First Look"

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JIZA ZITO

We have all heard that it is “bad luck” for the groom to see the bride before the wedding,  and many couples take this tradition quite seriously; however, many do not know about the less-than-romantic origins of this tradition.

During the time when arranged marriages were customary, the betrothed couple was not allowed to see each other before the wedding. Marriage, for many families, was essentially a “business deal.”. The father, who was the head of the household, would ideally marry off his daughter to a rich, land-owning male. Once the engagement was contracted, the parents of the bride and groom would keep the couple apart, fearing that if the groom saw the bride before the wedding and found her unattractive, he wouldn’t go through with the marriage.  While today we think of the wedding veil as a lovely must-have accessory,  its original purpose was also to keep the groom from finding out what the bride looked like until the last possible minute, when it was too late to back out of the transaction. Romantic, huh?

More and more couples today are choosing to buck tradition in favor of the “first look” before the wedding ceremony. While the Church has no definitive stance on first looks, every couple has different reasons as to why they would or would not do a first look. Below are three reasons to consider having a first look, and three alternative ideas to consider if you want to have a moment with your groom before the wedding, while saving the “big reveal” for your walk down the aisle.

Maximize your time for photos without sacrificing time at the reception.

While you may have your photographer for 8-10 hours, it’s amazing how fast time flies on the day of your wedding and how easily the timeline can get sidetracked. Most often, portraits with family and the bridal party take longer than expected, and then the next you know, you only have less than 15 minutes to take romantic images of just you and your groom. When you make the first look a priority, it gives you time for those special portraits without being rushed to your cocktail hour or reception. Especially when you also place a large investment into your wedding photography, getting the time to get more photographs of just you and your groom together and in such a candid and special moment can definitely be worth it!

Diminish pre-wedding nerves.

Some couples have a hard time showing emotion in front of a crowd, and understandably so. There is a lot of emotion mounting up to that moment of seeing each other for the first time. When you do a first look with just you and your groom (and your photographer(s) in the background), it gives you both the chance to be yourselves freely while seeing each other for the first time without a crowd of loved ones snapping iPhone photos.

Get some much-needed alone time with your husband.

The first look allows you and your groom to have some alone time before your day gets busy. Unless you set time aside for it later in the day, it’s the only time you both will be alone on your wedding day until you leave the reception. It can also help set the tone for the perfect mood for romantic portraits. Images of just the two of you are also what you’ll decorate your home with and possibly pass down to family, so it makes sense to spend some quality time taking them

Alternatives to the First Look

While a first look has its many perks, it’s not for every couple. Here are some alternative or additional photography ideas for your big day:

A First Look with Dad or Father Figure

If you’re a self-proclaimed Daddy’s girl, or have a close relationship with another male relative, this is a lovely option to consider. Another idea is also for the father to escort the bride to the first look with the groom.

A First Look with the Bridal Party

You have been through the engagement party, the bridal shower, and the bachelorette party. Now your bridesmaids are excited to see your completed look on your wedding day. Have your photographer catch their reactions as they finally see you dressed as a bride!

The “Reach and Pray”

This one is my personal favorite. It’s a beautiful and meaningful way for a bride and groom to come together before the ceremony while still avoiding the pre-wedding first look. You can hold hands around a corner or a door, or keep your eyes closed in a prayerful exchange in your favorite grotto or side chapel.

Elissa Voss Photography

Elissa Voss Photography

No matter what you decide for photographs on your wedding day, communicate with your photographer and make sure you get enough allotted time to capture images of just you and your spouse. These will be the images that you will always cherish.

About the Author: Jiza Zito is Spoken Bride's Creative Director and Co-Founder. She is the owner and wedding photographer of Olive & Cypress. Read more

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A Heart of Responsibility for Your Wedding Guests

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“Spouses,” wrote Pope St. John Paul II, “are therefore the permanent reminder to the Church of what happened on the Cross; they are for one another and for the children witnesses to the salvation in which the sacrament makes them sharers.” Permanent. Witnesses. In the moments after you and your beloved have spoken your vows, and on through all the rest of this life, you’re given the graces of great joy and a sweetness that lightens crosses to come. You’re also shouldered with a new responsibility: to bear the self-emptying love of Christ to the world--sometimes overtly, and other times without a word.

Responsibility can feel heavy, during the season of wedding planning and beyond: experiencing division in your family relationships because of your faith beliefs, willing the good of your beloved even when your heart’s just not in it, caring for young children. It can also come with a temptation to pride. It might be manifest in a sense of personally desiring to change minds on matters like marriage, contraception, and divorce, whether through direct or indirect rhetorical or religious argument.

These are completely normal, understandable tendencies. Moreover, they’re rooted in a desire that’s good. When you feel so convicted of the joy on tap in a distinctively Catholic wedding and marriage, it’s natural that you want to share its fullness with those you love and help open the door to a new perspective. It’s helpful, in this sense, to view the weight of responsibility to your wedding guests as a way to be witnesses, compassionate yet strong. You can choose to extend an opportunity for understanding the Catholic faith, ever the same, in a new and inviting light.

With a spirit of charity and intentionality in mind, there are ways you can lift up your family and friends in the hope that their hearts be more fully disposed to experience truth, goodness, and beauty on your wedding day.

Pray for your wedding guests.

Ultimately, of course, the point of your wedding is to enter into a sacrament with the one God has called you to love and sanctify. At the same time, the Church is a body, a community. The two of you aren’t in this alone, yet amid the busyness of preparing for your big day, it’s sometimes easy to lose sight of who it’s for. Make a conscious effort to step back and  view your guests as the individuals dear to you and to your families that they are, rather than an endless list of names for whom to track down RSVPs and seating assignments. Prayer, too, can shift your focus for the better. Clarity. Pray for your wedding guests by name as you address their invitations, offer a decade of the rosary for a different individual or family each day, and if you feel comfortable, invite guests to privately share their prayer intentions via email or your wedding website.

Consider limiting alcohol.

Dominic Prummer, O.P., a Dominican priest, wrote, “Drink to the point of hilarity.” This recommendation generally conveys a spirit of giddiness and freedom, but not mere license. If, depending on the dynamics of your guests, you anticipate the possibility of drunkenness putting a damper on your reception, consider choosing alcohol options that encourage choice and intention, rather than zero limits. You might opt for an open bar for the first few hours of the evening, for instance, then switch to cash later in the reception, or consider offering a smaller selection of spirits.

In all things, cultivate charity and peace.

So often, what sets a person of faith apart is in her actions, not just her words or theological arguments. The trials of wedding planning and preparation for marriage--last-minute emergencies, sexual self-control, delicate conversations over matters of faith or etiquette--all present an opportunity to conduct yourself with virtue, and to bear an example of Christ-like love to those in your life. Practically speaking, that might look like choosing peace over overreaction as inconveniences arise, sharing a few minutes of quality face time with each of your guests during your reception, reminding them of their value and your gratitude, and handling conversations about morals or manners with empathy in mind first, and conversion second.

The particular sense of responsibility each couple feels for their wedding guests varies by matters of faith, past wounds, and strengths and weaknesses among family members. We’ve known the pain of division and disagreement ourselves, and the desire to share what is good with loved ones. Know of our prayers for each of you, and know that in the Father all things are made whole--even if the fruits aren’t visible in this life. If there’s a particular way you’ve developed a heart of responsibility for your own friends and family, we’re eager to hear them in the comments and on our social media.

Creating Your Own Wedding Novena

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CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

One of the beautiful things about Catholic devotional life is that there is a prayer (or prayers) for every problem and occasion. Novenas in particular are increasing in popularity amongst younger generations of Catholics, thanks to sites like PrayMoreNovenas.com. And while engaged couples can find plenty of novenas to pray in preparation for marriage with a simple Google search, my hope is that this post will inspire you and your fiancé (or your maid of honor/best man) to write your own unique novena to pray with your guests in the nine days leading up to your wedding.

I first encountered the idea of a custom novena for someone’s wedding as a college student at the University of Notre Dame; one of my friends wrote a novena for a soon-to-be-married couple I knew. I thought it was such a wonderful idea that I have since offered to write one for my close friends and family who are preparing for marriage, and was blessed to receive the same gift from my sister Elisa (also my maid of honor) when I got married last year. Even if you don’t have someone who can spearhead the novena for you, writing a novena with your fiancé can be a beautiful way to grow as a couple. Below are simple instructions for how to put a novena together and share it with your guests:

Together with your fiancé, choose nine favorite saints.

These could be your patron saints, saints who have been meaningful to you as a couple, saints whose feast days fall on the days leading up to your wedding, or a combination of all three. My husband and I enjoyed this part of the process, although it was definitely tough to narrow down our list!

Find prayers to those saints that you can customize (or write your own).

Thanks to the internet, this part is surprisingly easy. All you have to do is search for prayers to the saints you’ve chosen and you’ll get lots of options that you can easily customize by inserting your names or changing the wording. If you’re ambitious and have some extra time on your hands, consider writing your own prayers to each Saint. Here’s an example of a modified prayer that I wrote for my sister Elisa’s wedding novena:

St. Joseph, pray for Elisa and Thomas as they begin their life as husband and wife. Pray for Thomas, that he will love Elisa the way that you loved Mary, and that he will teach his children the way you taught your Son. Pray for Elisa, that she will love Thomas the way Mary loved you, and that their union would imitate your holy marriage to Mary. Grant them both, with their future children, the grace of a happy and peaceful death.
Heavenly Father, we thank you for the gift of Christ, and for the gift of his earthly foster father, St. Joseph.

Create an email list of guests who you’d like to pray the novena with and for you.

An invitation to pray, even to those who aren’t Catholic, is never a bad thing. However, if you’re concerned that some of your guests may be offended by the idea of praying a novena for you and your fiancé, that’s something to keep in mind when making your list. I also recommend delegating this task to a bridesmaid or groomsman who can commit to sending out the prayer for each day.

Note: You may have older relatives who do not use email or check it regularly, but would love to participate in the novena. Consider printing and mailing copies of the novena to them; they’ll be so grateful.

Write an explanation of 1) what a novena is and 2) how to pray it for those who are unfamiliar with novenas, and send it out with the first day’s prayer.

Even if all of your guests (or everyone on the email list) are Catholic, it’s still helpful to include a brief explanation of novenas in general and yours in particular. It doesn’t need to be long or detailed. This is the explanation I included with my sister’s novena:

What is a Novena?
A novena is a prayer said over the course of nine days, and is popular in Catholic devotion. Novenas are usually prayed for a special intention and through the intercession of a particular Saint. We ask for the intercession of the saints because they are in heaven and are great prayer warriors. We do not worship the Saints or pray "to" them in the same way that we pray to God. We do honor them for their heroic virtue and holiness, and look to their example as we "work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling" as St. Paul says in Philippians 2:12.
For Elisa and Thomas, each day of the novena is dedicated to one of their favorite Saints. The idea is to have as many of Elisa and Thomas’ family and friends praying for them and their life together on the days leading up to their wedding.
How to pray the novena:
Begin in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Pray the specific prayer for that day.
End with the Our Father and a Hail Mary.

Pray the final novena prayer together with your wedding party before your rehearsal.

Kristian and I had a holy hour before our rehearsal, so we printed copies of our final novena prayer and invited everyone there to pray it with us. Those who were not at the holy hour could still pray it on their own at home.

In my experience, praying a customized wedding novena is a beautiful way to remain focused on the sacrament of marriage in the final (typically crazy) days of wedding preparation. It’s also a wonderful way to invite your guests to support you, especially those who are far away and unable to attend the wedding. My hope is that Kristian and I will pray our wedding novena each year in the nine days leading up to our anniversary, so that we don’t forget the holy men and women who interceded for us as we entered into married life.

 
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About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Finding a Beautiful Wedding Gown on a Budget

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CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Like many women, I imagined my wedding day as a little girl: the church, the flowers, the handsome groom, and the dress. I remember being fascinated by my aunts’ and cousins’ dresses when I went to their weddings as a girl. They looked so beautiful and princess-like, even in the 80s and early 90s when the bridal gown trends toward puffed sleeves and hats with veils attached left something to be desired.

As I grew older, my taste changed, but my desire to look and feel beautiful on my wedding day did not. Even if you’re not a “girly girl” or particularly into fashion, you probably want the same thing. Your wedding dress is something you'll wear while you and your husband-to-be confer the sacrament of marriage on one another, so it makes sense to put some time and thought into it, even if you’re not sartorially inclined. (Note: There is nothing in Catholic tradition or teaching that stipulates that brides must wear a fancy dress, a white dress, or any particular garment on their wedding day.)

But what about the cost? As Catholics, we are called to be good stewards of our money, and anyone who has ever gone to a bridal salon knows that even the lower-end wedding dresses can be priced in the thousands of dollars. If you’re concerned about sticker shock, are on a tight budget, or just can’t stomach the idea of paying more than X amount of money for a dress you’ll only wear for one day, I have good news for you: you can still find a beautiful wedding dress that you love without breaking the bank. You just have to get creative! Below are a few tips and tricks I learned while shopping for my dress, which was a sample dress that I got at a consignment bridal salon, and from friends and family who found their dresses in unconventional places.

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Go to a Fancy Salon First to Get a Feel for What You Like

A nice bridal salon is a good place to get a feel for different wedding dress styles, what’s flattering (and not) on you, what materials and fabrics you like, etc. There is no law that says you can’t go to a nice bridal salon, try on a few dresses, and then leave empty-handed. Plus, it’s just fun to go to a nice salon with your girlfriends/sisters/mom and try on pretty dresses.

Know Your Budget, And Stick To It

This is a tough one, but it really makes a difference in the shopping process. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the sheer number of options, but if you have a clear idea not only of what styles you like, but what price points you can afford, everything will go more smoothly.  

Visit Consignment/Sample Dress Shops in Your Area

I found my dress at Second Summer Bride, a consignment bridal salon where most of the dresses are marked down at least 50% from the original price. I went expecting all of the dresses to be pre-owned, but was pleasantly surprised that many of them were sample dresses that were past-season and hadn’t been worn before. Since I wasn’t looking for anything trendy, I didn’t mind that the dresses were from previous seasons, and I ended up finding my dress (which I loved) in less than an hour. The best part (aside from the price): I was able to take the dress out of the store that day, instead of going back to the salon multiple times for fittings, which you typically have to do if you go the fancy bridal salon route.

Detail of my wedding dress from Second Summer Bride. Photo by Leah Muse Photography.

Detail of my wedding dress from Second Summer Bride. Photo by Leah Muse Photography.

Purchase a Pre-owned Dress Online

After going to several bridal salons, including a couple of consignment stores, my sister found her dress at PreOwnedWeddingDresses.com. The bride who originally wore it had it designed to look like one of Kate Middleton’s dresses, and although it needed alterations to fit my sister, the beauty and price point of the dress was too good to pass up. Other sites, like eBay and Craigslist, also have pre-owned and sample dresses available, but be sure to double-check the return policy before purchasing anything.

Look into the Possibility of a Custom Dress

Believe it or not, a custom made dress can be less expensive than a store-bought dress. If you find a good seamstress in your area (or even online), you can save money and get exactly what you want. Win, win.

Consider Borrowing a Dress from a Family Member or Friend

I know more than one bride who borrowed a friend/family member’s dress for her big day. Obviously, this is a big money-saver, but it can also be a beautiful way to honor your mother, grandmother, or sister at your wedding. If the thought of wearing the exact same dress as someone else is unpalatable to you, remember that your choice of accessories and some minor alterations can make a dress feel brand new.

My sister in the dress she got from Pre-owned Wedding Dresses. Photo by Leah Muse Photography.

My sister in the dress she got from Pre-owned Wedding Dresses. Photo by Leah Muse Photography.

Regardless of where you decide to purchase your dress, I hope these tips encourage you to think outside the bridal salon box. And if you purchased a dress from an unconventional source, please share with us in the comments!

 

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About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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5 Bridesmaids' Retailers Outside the Bridal Salon Box

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There is something radiantly, visibly evident and set apart at the nuptial Mass of a holy, pure-hearted couple, one who understands and embraces taking up the crosses and sweetnesses of marriage. Authentic love has the power to render wedding guests speechless and full of true joy.

When you’ve chosen women of faith and selflessness to stand beside you at the altar, you can be sure their spiritual intercession and ability to enter into your joy will bless your marriage. Being able to share in a friend’s emotional state so deeply is a mark of real friendship and intimacy that tangibly enhances the beauty of a couple’s wedding day.

It follows that when it comes to your bridesmaids’ attire, you’ll most likely desire an outward look that magnifies and highlights each woman’s inner beauty. If you’re beginning your search for dresses, we’d like to suggest a few paths less traveled.

Here’s a semi-secret of the wedding industry: bridesmaids’ dresses get a significant markup at bridal shops. Fortunately, alternatives to traditional bridal retailers not only offer an opportunity to save your best ladies some cash, but one to find attire that truly suits your style.  Here, five non-bridal brands with wide and beautiful selections, with plenty under $100:

For everyone: Nordstrom Juniors

As a department store, Nordstrom naturally has pieces to suit any taste, including youthful, elegant Juniors’ formal wear, as well as simpler day and evening dresses, at far lower prices than the designer-heavy Women’s department, and in a wide range of sizes.

If your style is bohemian: Francesca’s Collections

Maybe you’ve shopped here before or have browsed Francesca’s at the mall. The feminine, delicate styles here would fit right in at a casually romantic daytime wedding: lace, embroidery, and a selection of soft colors. They also carry gorgeous jewelry and accessories for your bridesmaids...and for you, the bride!

If you love styles with a nod to the past: Shabby Apple

Featuring different collections that each invoke a particular time and place--Old Hollywood, for instance, or tailored Mad Men-style silhouettes--Shabby Apple’s beautiful dresses have a vintage sensibility that’s never costumey or overdone, just pretty. The company recently expanded from its origins as a small business, maintaining along the way its inspiring mission to dress women with feminine strength “Because they are beautiful. Because they are powerful. Because they have unique distinctions. Because they can use that power and beauty to shape and change the world in individual ways. Because they have always contributed.”

If you like the classics: Dorothy Perkins

The Dorothy Perkins brand might best be described as Red-era Taylor Swift : a little bit classic, a little bit preppy, lots of florals, looks good with red lips. This online retailer offers dozens of styles with one of the widest size ranges available and also offers maternity versions of their popular dresses, both of which get our applause.

If you’re a minimalist: Zara

You’ve probably shopped here, too. Zara’s neutral palette and elegant, spare silhouettes are worth a look if you’ve chosen dark wedding colors (particularly black) and are drawn to a clean, simple aesthetic. Alternatively, their distinctively bold, bright floral patterns would be well-suited to a daytime celebration.

If your wedding is months away, consider shopping for dresses during or right after the season in which your big day will take place. That is, look around for summer wedding dresses in the summer, and winter wedding dresses in the winter; since most non-bridal retailers don’t offer the same selections or types of clothes year-round, it’s smart to plan ahead. Consider these suggestions a starting point for venturing beyond the bridal salon, and if you’ve found beautiful wedding party attire from a less conventional retailer, be sure to share it with our community in the comments or on our social media!

I Dos and Don'ts: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | Tracking Your Vendor Payments

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ANDI COMPTON

 

Andi Compton, our Business Director, planned her own birthday parties as a girl, spent hours making wedding collages as a teenager, and worked at the largest bridal store on the West Coast during college. She eventually answered the call to turn her organization and creativity into a business, Now That’s a Party, wherein she coordinates weddings primarily for Catholic couples.

Over the upcoming months, Andi will be here to guide you through your planning and share her insights from the wedding industry, from engagement all the way through newlywed life. Consider it an open invitation to ask your wedding planning questions in the comments and on our social media!

Andi recently shared info and worksheets on organizing your vendor contacts; this month, she's designed a user-friendly spreadsheet for keeping track of payments and deadlines.

Planning an event--namely, your wedding--with so many moving parts can be overwhelming. Because you’re working with so many vendors and making so many purchases within a short amount of time, we highly recommend getting everything out of your head, onto paper. That way, it’s simpler to really see what you’ve done and what still needs to addressed.

On that note, this printable tracker is designed to help you keep track of all your vendor payments. Assembling your wedding day dream team is so much fun, but after initial thrill wears off, it’s key to keep good records of whom you have paid, when you did so, how much you still owe, and if you would like to give them a gratuity.

Happy Planning!

Click to download your copy of the Vendor Payment Tracker.

Click to download your copy of the Vendor Payment Tracker.

About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Pre-marital Counseling: The Wedding Gift that Keeps on Giving.

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CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY 

One of the first things my now husband, Kristian, and I did after we got engaged was call his therapist--who also happens to be a marriage and family counselor--and make an appointment to meet with him as a couple. In the midst of the craziness of wedding planning and adjusting to new jobs, Kristian and I carved out time each week to go to counseling, both as a couple and as individuals. Both of us had been in individual counseling for awhile at that point, which made our premarital counseling even more fruitful. And while it cost money and time, we both agree that going to therapy was the best thing we did (other than praying together daily and frequenting the sacraments) to prepare for marriage.

If you’ve never been to therapy/counseling, this may sound strange. Why would you go to counseling as a couple before you even get married? Doesn’t that mean that you’re “messed up” or crazy--or that your relationship is already on rocky ground? Isn’t therapy just for people with a diagnosed mental illness or serious relationship issues?

Absolutely not. The reality is that we live in a fallen world, and even if we came from a relatively healthy family, we have been wounded by the sins of others--often in ways that can remain hidden until we get engaged, married, or start having children. That said, I know that many Catholics are skeptical about the value of therapy, so I’ve compiled a short list of reasons why you and your fiancé might consider going--either as individuals, a couple, or both.

Therapy can strengthen your relationship with the Lord.

Our bodies, minds, and souls are so deeply connected that our psychological and emotional wounds can have a negative impact both on our physical health and our relationship with Christ. Some women (and men) have such difficult relationships with their fathers that they find it nearly impossible to address God as “Father.” Before I started going to therapy and taking medication, in spite of my excellent spiritual director, my anxiety was so intense that I could rarely sit still for longer than a few minutes, which made it almost impossible to pray. In my experience, a competent Catholic or Christian therapist can help you reach a deeper level of intimacy with the Lord by giving you the tools to clear out any psychological or emotional obstacles that may be in the way.

Individual therapy helps you identify your wounds and begin to heal.

Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to by physically or sexually abused to have emotional wounds. As you may have already discovered, engagement can bring out old wounds related to family, ex-boyfriends, etc, which can cause fear and anxiety regarding your impending marriage. Regardless of what your wounds are, we all have them. And the only way those wounds will heal is if they are brought into the light.

Self-medication through coping mechanisms (work, shopping, alcohol, food, dieting, exercise, Netflix binging, etc) only works for so long--and it definitely doesn’t work well when you’re trying to love another person in sickness and in health, till death do you part. A competent therapist can help you uncover your wounds, assess them honestly, and begin the healing process so that you can avoid hurting others, especially your future husband and children, because of your wounds.

Your therapist can help you break cycles of dysfunction.

Each one of us comes from a different “school of relationship”; that is, we all learned how to love (or hate), how to fight (or avoid conflict), how to forgive (or hold grudges), how to maintain healthy boundaries (or put up walls), from our families of origin, and especially from our parents--who came from their own schools of relationship that may have been dysfunctional to varying degrees.

No matter how well we were taught by our parents and siblings, we were still taught by flawed human beings. There are probably a few lessons we never learned and a few we need to forget. Therapy can help you and your fiancé sort through what you want to keep from your families of origin, and bring into your own marriage, and what types of dysfunctional behavior you want to avoid. 

Couples therapy can help you and your fiancé pinpoint and work toward resolving potential areas of conflict before you get married.

Marriage and family therapists agree that most couples come to counseling several years too late. The best time to get counseling is before any major problems surface, which is why pre-marital counseling is such a good idea. And while you may be required to meet with a priest or deacon a few times as part of your marriage prep, he simply won’t have the time or training to give you what a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) can. This is especially important if you or your fiancé has a history of addictive behavior, comes from an abusive family, or has experienced trauma of any kind in previous relationships.

A final note: I know many couples worry about the financial strain that paying a counselor may cause, but when you consider that you and your fiancé will be married for the rest of your lives, it becomes clear that putting money toward therapy is a better investment than buying your dream wedding dress, going on a fancy honeymoon, or having two meat options at your reception. Therapy is the only gift that will keep on giving for the rest of your married life.

If you have any questions or want more information on how to locate a Catholic therapist in your area, please email me at christina@spokenbride.com .

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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