How He Asked | Alexa + Patrick

A few months after moving back near home following her college graduation, Alexa was walking along the boardwalk in Atlantic City with her cousin Judy when Judy mentioned Patrick, the new Theology teacher at the school where she worked. She suggested Alexa visit the school as a guest speaker for Pat’s students.

In Alexa’s Words: Unfortunately I hate public speaking, but I didn't hate the idea of meeting an allegedly cute guy who was my age and taught Theology. "Tell him to send me an email and maybe we'll figure something out," I told her.

That week, I logged onto Facebook and looked up this Pat Smith guy Judy had been telling me about. I quickly found his profile, clicked through a bunch of his pictures, decided internally that I would welcome an opportunity to meet him should such an opportunity present itself, and finally proceeded to do absolutely nothing proactive about initiating communication.

A few months later, I was minding my own business when I received a friend request from Patrick Smith on Facebook. I accepted it and sent him a message. We had the standard polite inaugural exchange, then eventually got to talking about our jobs, our college experiences at, and our faith. We got to the point where the next natural step would have been to meet in person, but neither of us seemed to know how to address that.

Enter Judy again. She knew I had been working with the youth group at my parish on what would be their first annual Living Stations, and suggested I invite Pat to come down and see it. This seemed low key enough for a first meeting. And what made the whole thing even less intimidating was that I was almost certain Pat would say no: why would a man drive an hour to a see a girl he's never met and help with a youth group that he has no affiliation with? I casually invited Pat and he responded almost immediately with a yes, seemingly very excited about it.

It turned out to be a very low pressure first encounter, because Pat and I only got to talk for about fifteen minutes over the course of the night. But it was enough for both of us to know that we had the potential for at least a great friendship, and that we wanted to see each other again.

Three weeks later, at my coworker’s encouragement, I invited him to see the movie Heaven is for Real, which was followed by a series of dates and making our relationship official.

What many people don’t know about our relationship, however, is that we broke up for a period of time, after about eight months of dating. We had very different experiences with the time we spent apart. For me, those months were a time of discernment about what I was being called to in life. I briefly discerned religious life, and also took the time to truly ask myself, for perhaps the first time in my life, whether I was actually called to marriage.

Meanwhile, Pat struggled significantly with our breakup. When we eventually started talking again, he told me he’d prayed for me every day when we were apart. But what meant even more to me was when he told me he hadn’t just prayed we’d get back together. Instead, he prayed for God’s will and for me to find my vocation, whether or not it turned out to be a vocation to marriage with him. That was when I knew we had something different. We began dating again shortly thereafter.

Looking back, it's now so symbolic that we met in person for the first time at the Cathedral of the Diocese of Allentown. Little did we know when we first met there for Living Stations that we would get engaged there and, in June 2018, will be married there. Pat proposed at the Cathedral during an annual Christmas tradition, wherein the youth group gets together to help put up the tree and other decorations. 

There were about 25 of us there that day--teens, adult volunteers, and our three parish priests--and we were all busy decorating and socializing. During the event, one of the teens pulled me aside to ask me a question. Meanwhile, Pat and the other volunteers were helping everyone get in position for his plan. A few moments later, I was asked to come investigate a Christmas present with no name on it.

As soon as I picked up the gift, everyone started chanting "Open it!," so I did. Inside was an athletic T-shirt from Pat’s school, with "Future Mrs. Smith" printed on the back. At that point I was pretty sure I knew what was going on. Pat got down on one knee and four of the teens held up signs reading, Will you marry me?

We are beyond excited for our wedding this summer, to answer our vocation and begin living out our call to marriage.
 

Location: Lock Ridge Park - Alburtis, PA | Photography: Reflections Creative Photography

Into the Desert: A Conversation About the Exodus 90 Men's Program

Freedom resides in a particular realization about sacrifice: it’s the recognition that when dying to self is painful, it doesn’t mean our sacrifice isn’t working. It means that it is.

Photography: Sarah Ascanio, seen in Natasha + Tim's engagement

Inspired by God’s people being led to freedom in Scripture, Exodus 90 is a 90-day program created to call Catholic men out of slavery and into freedom; out of themselves and into the heart of God. Founded on principles of fraternity, prayer, and asceticism, the program intends to cultivate habits that sanctify men, equipping them to better serve the Lord as they live out their vocations.

We recently chatted with James Baxter, Executive Director of Exodus 90 and Those Catholic Men. The program is particularly recommended for men preparing to enter into their vocations, and we hope you’ll share it with your fiancé; additionally, many men find it meaningful to begin or end the program on a liturgically significant day. Those who embark on Exodus 90 beginning next week, on February 19, will conclude the program on Pentecost and, God willing, witness the fruits of the Holy Spirit in abundance. Read on for James’ thoughts on spiritual exercises, chastity, and freedom, along with his advice for the brides supporting their men in the pursuit of heroic virtue.

The Exodus 90 program includes, among other resources, daily Scripture verses from the Book of Exodus. Can you tell us more about the significance of this book to the intentions of the program?

The singular goal of Exodus 90 is freedom. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free, but we drift away from it over time, often quite unknowingly. I know that freedom is a cultural buzzword, and thrown around to justify everything from sexual exploits to abortion.

But the hard fact is that we need to reclaim our definition of freedom. That's because the Church places a heavy emphasis upon it, especially in our sacramental rites--including marriage. Freedom is the condition, the foundation, the soil out of which love grows. When we're not free, we cannot bear the fruit of love. And in a particular way, when men are not free, it's wives and children that suffer the most. That's why we're entirely committed to freeing Catholic men with Exodus 90.

The Church tells us the gift of our sexuality is meant to be lived in freedom. In turn, Exodus 90 emphasizes the virtue of chastity. What practical tips can you offer engaged and married couples for developing and living out this virtue?

I'm engaged to an exceptionally good woman, whom I also find the most beautiful woman in the cosmos. Her name is Colleen, and we'll be married on June 16, 2018. Chastity in marriage preparation is a reality that's close to my experience right now. Here are my recommendations regarding chastity:

First, start today. All virtues are dispositions, or habits, toward the good. It takes time and experience, and failing and trying again to possess them. Your behavior yesterday affects who you are today. So, start again now. Identify your triggers, take control of your glances, use your screens only for work or school. This will make the chastity of your future, married selves much easier.

Second, express physical affection within the scope of proper discernment. Being appropriately physical tempers the passions--at least that's been my honest experience over the past few years.

Lastly, tell the truth. Ever since the fall, we have the tendency to avoid God, deceive ourselves, and blame others when it comes to sin. The Catechism teaches us that the relationship of man and woman gets to the heart of the human condition, and in that process, the experience of our fallen nature is painfully acute. You're going to mess up. But when you do, just speak the truth. Make your confessions to your loved one and the Church, and move forward. Don't let the darkness become something that divides you. God has a marvelous way of turning our brokenness into the very source of our attractiveness; he’s been in that business for a very long time. And no one is above or below that mercy.

Purification of the body, mind, and soul can be painful. What advice can you offer those struggling with the pain of purification?

My advice here is somewhat direct, but I hope that the sincerity is clear. What if we just accepted that purification is painful, and it is so because we are fallen and life is complicated? If we do not first accept that profound purification and self-denial are needed in each of us, it’s difficult to understand in the proper context that God wants to fulfill the desires of our hearts. Otherwise, it's hard to differentiate our faith from that of the prosperity Gospel, or the idea that God just gives us whatever we want, when we want it, and how we want it. The purification of the self is painful but it is also deeply meaningful when it bears the fruit of freedom, as we've seen so many times through Exodus 90. Because then we can love. And that’s what life is about.

This journey of purification and growth in holiness can be as hard on loved ones as on the individual undergoing it. Can you share some concrete ways women can support their fiancés or husbands in programs like Exodus, and can hold themselves accountable to growth and self-denial, as well?

The program’s tenets of fraternity, asceticism, and prayer can benefit both individuals in a relationship during this journey. For fraternity, I’d tell women it's essential that your man is accountable to other men. Though that means at times he is away from you and the home, it will be worth it in the long run. So, encourage your man to find a fraternity or to be proactive and form one. I’d encourage you to do likewise with a group of women that raise you up.

For asceticism, a big part of what makes Exodus 90 so hard is the constant self-denial. And we ask that men don’t modify the regimen to them, but bend themselves to it. Self-denial will be easier if a man’s fiancé or wife is also denying herself in her own ways. There is a beautiful camaraderie that can happen when both are engaged in actively saying no to things they would otherwise have. And here’s the secret: this has frequently meant that husbands and wives are communicating way more! What woman doesn’t want that? By the end, wives and kids like the man at the end way better. But a lot of no’s have to happen before this yes emerges.

For prayer, Colleen and I have experienced that praying as a couple is hard, especially amidst the hustle and obligations of young lay life. At our latest marriage prep session, our priest, Fr. Andrew, told us the story of the holiest couple he had ever met. After years of admiring them from a distance, the priest finally asked: "How do you do it? How are you two so holy?" The husband responded, "We pray together every day." Fr. Andrew was delighted by this answer and asked him further, "What's the secret prayer? I'll tell all my couples!" The husband smiled and said, "Right before bed, we grab each other's hands, and say the Our Father. That's it." That's it. Colleen and I are trying to do this more before we go our separate ways each evening.

The program began as a way to help men combat addictions and distractions in a particular way, though any man can participate. In your opinion, how can a couple discern when an addiction is debilitating enough to require more than spiritual help alone, and what resources can they turn to?

If the question is at all there, you would do yourself some good by accepting that it’s there. There’s a reason you’re wondering, and acceptance is the way to freedom in the future. For resources related to pornography addiction, check out Integrity Restored and watch some videos with Matt Fradd and Dr. Peter Kleponis, who are experts in this field. Matt Fradd just released a great book called The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality behind the Fantasy of Pornography. And Dr. Kleponis frequently writes on the topic at Those Catholic Men.

Exodus 90 is a step toward recovery for those in the throes of an addiction, and if you need help of a psychological nature, it can be a great resource and supplement to therapy. We actually get calls from therapists about using Exodus 90 clinically. I will say, we have had men break decades of addiction through the experience, but again, we are not therapists and this isn't a porn-recovery program as such. All we have done is re-present the spirituality of the Desert Fathers for contemporary men, and that's why this is working and spreading so rapidly. Prayer, asceticism and brotherhood leads to freedom.

In three sentences, what are the top three pieces of advice you'd share with engaged and married Catholic men?

Put your phone in a box under your bed, and spend undistracted time with your fiancé or wife. Read more books this year than you did last year. I’m reading Dr. Jordan Peterson's new book 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, and it’s been captivating. Whatever work you do, strive to be the best at it without losing your soul; excellence glorifies the Father, inspires evangelization in the workplace, and bestows meaning.

Men interested in pursuing Exodus 90 can learn more and sign up for the program here.

Images by Sarah Ascanio Photography.

Let Jesus Interrupt Your Life.

ANDI COMPTON

A couple nights ago as I did the dishes after feeding what felt like 100 people (okay, maybe it was really nine), I listened to one of Fr. Mike Schmidt ‘s homilies. He made this arresting point: becoming a saint really means letting Jesus interrupt our life.

Our plans. Our expectations. Even our hopes and dreams. Just think of Saul. I’m pretty sure he never planned on seeing a heavenly light, falling down, hearing the voice of Jesus, and becoming blind on the way to Damascus. He was probably content with his life and his persecution of Christians. Despite divine intervention, he had the free will to choose complete indifference. Instead, he was transformed, becoming one of the greatest apostles, whom we still read about and ask for intercession some 2000 years later!

In a much less dramatic way, I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t let Jesus interrupt my life in ways big and small.

At 17, I was accepted to Loyola Marymount University to study Film and Business. After attending a weekend visit, however, I was overcome with a huge feeling telling me not to go. I wrestled with all the expectations my family had for me, but in the end, I chose not to attend. In that moment when I said no out loud, I was at peace. That program wasn’t where I was meant to be.

That ended up being the easy part. Telling my parents and grandmother, knowing I had disappointed them, was devastating. I’m a perfectionist; not fulfilling all the plans they had for me, for the first time in my life, was just brutal. But I knew I had to do it. Though they were initially upset, by the grace of God I managed to enroll for classes at the local community college right before the semester began.

Eight months later my mom was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer, while my dad was studying law a few states away. We found out on the same day I left work early because a coworker had committed suicide the night before. It was a huge blow, but how grateful we all were that I was able to live with my mom at the time, instead of being across the country at Loyola.

During all this time, I had been dating a guy from high school. It was getting serious and we were starting to discern marriage, but as I reverted more and more towards my Catholic faith, I knew in my heart I was just not called to marry him. He was very nice and came from a loving family I’d grown to love and respect, but his mother and I could both see the problems that would come from us taking the next step to a mixed faith marriage.

God had another plan to completely interrupt my life.

While my boyfriend was away on vacation, I took care of their sweet puppy. Planes got delayed and his family ended up spending an extra night away, so I randomly decided to go to the LifeTeen Mass our church was having.

During the sign of peace, a man turned around to offer me a hug. He just glowed, and a small voice said, I’m going to marry that man. I had no idea who he was, yet it felt like any and all feelings I had towards my current boyfriend were gone. There was nothing left. And I felt like an absolute idiot.

As luck would have it, this mysterious man was part of the LifeTeen core team, and had been going to our parish for a little over a year, though we’d just met. I instantly joined the core team and started making friends who were growing deeper in love with Jesus and the faith. Surrounding myself with those growing in virtue made all the difference in a time when I was so unsure of the next step.

I still hadn’t broken up with my boyfriend, because it was hard. I honestly didn’t want to hurt him, and we ended up breaking up and getting back together twice within the span of a few months. Even he knew I was in love with this guy from church. We finally let the relationship dissolve and I was at peace, knowing that I had done the right thing even though it hurt.

My friends tried to get me to enjoy the single life for a bit after two years in a relationship, but I was restless. I was trying so hard to listen to their advice of taking things slow, being his friend first, and most of all, waiting for him to approach me. Those five and a half weeks of being single, knowing this man was right there, was driving me insane. But I’m glad I listened. I later found out he was discerning a call to the priesthood when I came along, and he decided to take a chance on me.

At least this time, he knew it was a sure thing and wouldn’t get rejected. On January 14, 2006, I spent an entire core team meeting whining about how hungry I was, how I had gift certificates to California Pizza Kitchen, and how I wished someone would go with me. All my friends mysteriously had plans. After saying our goodbyes, I walked, defeated, to my car.

As I was opening the door I looked up and saw him a few rows over in the empty lot. He took  a deep breath and said, “Do you want to go out to lunch?”

We ended up having a nice lunch and watching King Kong at the theatre across the way, because we didn’t want the date to end.

And that’s the story of my last first date.

My husband and Matt I have been married for 10 years, and I am so grateful for God completely interrupting my plans. Had I gone to LMU, would we have met? Had that plane not been delayed, would the sequence of events leading us to each other that day ever have commenced? Would we be married to each other, or would he have gone on to become a priest while I settled into marriage?

Give God permission to interrupt your life, no matter where you are in the journey of your own vocation. Your interruption, of course, probably won’t be a breakup, but another matter he’s planned for your heart alone. Our God is a God of surprises.

Images by Rae and Michael Photography.

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Lenten Promises for Couples

January 28 of this year marked the start of Septuagesima in the Latin liturgical calendar, or the period of official preparation for Lent. Whether you and your beloved celebrate the Latin, Novus Ordo, or other Rite of the Church, these weeks before Ash Wednesday invite contemplation of how you plan to enter into Lent.

For the engaged and married couples, these forthcoming 40 days present a distinctive opportunity to unite your spiritualities as one through prayer, sacrifice, and self-gift. Here, fifteen Lenten promises you can choose as a couple:

Prayer

Commit to a daily Rosary, praying only the Sorrowful Mysteries. Meditate on the profound nuptial significance of Jesus’ Passion and Crucifixion--consider this Theology of the Body-inspired prayer book for inspiration.

Attend weekly Stations of the Cross at your parish, followed by an at-home date night of cooking a simple meal together.

Alone or with friends, set aside a weekly evening of playing and praying with Praise and Worship music on instruments.

Set a standing weekly date for a holy hour before the Blessed Sacrament. If you’re married, consider scheduling your prayer time for late night or early morning.

Choose a spiritual book to read together. You might choose the Diary of St. Faustina, to read in time for Divine Mercy Sunday after Easter, this six-week devotional for couples, or these selections that invite a fresh look at your prayer life.

Fasting

If TV is part of your nightly routine, make a promise to pray together before beginning your leisure time. Consider limiting your watching to one episode per night, rather than binge-watching.

Cultivate presence: with the exception of necessary, time-sensitive communications, keep your phones away when you’re spending time together.

Work out together. This program, created by and for Catholics, combines exercise with prayer and includes a workout employing the Stations of the Cross.

If you’re engaged and your schedule allows, fast from non-time-sensitive wedding planning: avoid browsing for material goods (décor, apparel, and/or registry items) and take a break from reading wedding blogs and magazines. Focus, instead, on developing your spiritual disposition toward the sacrament of marriage.

For women, abstain from wearing makeup. Meditate on your feminine genius and on concrete ways to appreciate your authentic beauty.

Almsgiving

Mother Teresa made a private vow to Jesus that she, as his bride, would refuse him nothing. In the small--and perhaps larger--dimensions of your own daily life, make an effort to willingly, open-heartedly say yes to your beloved’s requests and needs.

For married couples, do your spouse’s least favorite household chore for him or her.

Make a donation to a charity or ministry close to your hearts.

Join, or even start, a ministry in your parish or community. Consider leading a Scripture study or young adult group, participating in pro-life activism, or taking part in your church’s choir or liturgical ministries.

For each day of Lent, make a phone call or send a text or letter to an individual involved in your wedding: family members, bridesmaids, groomsmen, clergy, and other guests.

In this season, we enter the desert. We thirst; we are tempted; we cry out. In these times of desolation, embrace the tension between sacrifice and desire, earth and heaven, knowing from the love of your fiancé or spouse and from the Father, there flows endless mercy and grace, cherishing you just as you are and calling you on to greatness.

Forever: An Interview with Jackie and Bobby Angel

No matter where you are in your dating life, engagement, or marriage, and no matter where you are in your spiritual life, the Father deeply desires to pour out his love over his sons and daughters; to know and be known by them in a singular, specific way. In every vocation, we hear the song of his love for us.

We had the privilege of a conversation with Bobby Angel and Jackie Francois Angel, husband and wife authors of the recently released Forever: A Catholic Devotional for Your Marriage. Forever features six weeks' worth of daily reflections and questions for couples to read together (Lent could be an ideal time to dive in with your beloved), with the intention of drawing them nearer to the Father and illuminating the truths of the human heart that ring eternal, even in a culture of constantly changing attitudes and wedding trends. 

Read on for the Angels' take on these topics of learning to love a singular, specific person in your spouse, our longing to be known, Saint John Paul II's Theology of the Body, and their advice for engagement and marriage. 

Sabree Hill Photography

Who did you write this book for? Is it just for married couples, or would others benefit from it as well?

We wrote this book for everyone! While specifically targeted to those already married, we wanted it to be accessible for people who are dating, engaged, newly married or married for 20 years, as well as any single person who wants to consume more content on the Theology of the Body and maybe learn some tidbits about marriage. Our hope is that this book could help people in all different stages of the journey, from an engaged couple getting married in the Catholic Church and getting reacquainted with the faith, to even those couples married for a long time who have studied Theology of the Body and are glad to have a resource that allows them to pray together nightly and learn more about their faith and each other.

You both do quite a bit of speaking and teaching to young adults around the world; what have you noticed in terms of contemporary young adults' attitudes toward and ideas about marriage? Did this play a role in how you wrote your book?

For those young adults who actually do want to get married (since so many young adults are foregoing marriage to just cohabitate), there is often this idea that marriage will solve all their problems or make that “ache” of the heart go away. We try to share that the best thing to do as a single person is to focus on being healthy--emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually--and to realize that marriage won’t make your problems (like insecurity or a habit of pornography use) go away, but rather magnify and exacerbate them.

In our book, Forever, we also try to show that God is the only one who can satisfy every desire of our hearts. Marriage is just a sign and foretaste of the Heavenly union and marriage with God in Heaven. Thus, if God is not “enough,” nothing will ever be, not even a fantastic marriage.

So, if single people can go into marriage knowing no human being, not even their spouse, is perfect like God, nor can their spouse heal or fix all their problems--like God and some therapy can--it will lay a much healthier foundation than having the previously stated notions.

Why did you choose to base your reflections on St. John Paul II's Theology of the Body?

We both experienced renewals in our faith through dynamic youth ministry programs as well as a secondary “jolt” of excitement in encountering the rich teachings of St. John Paul II. As people with very real desires and and that ever-present ache to know and be known, JPII retold our beautiful Christian faith by focusing on the call to union stamped into our physical bodies. Good news, indeed!

In an age where so much distortion and heartache comes from the misuse of our bodies, reading and learning the Theology of the Body was eye-opening and refreshing. It put to words that ache for communion and gave us a tangible way of integrating our desires, rather than merely fighting or suppressing them. It’s the Gospel re-told in a new way; it’s the antidote our fallen world needs. We both drank deeply of this vision before meeting each other, so beginning a relationship and a marriage--and now a family--with this understanding is a tremendous grace and responsibility. We feel blessed to be able to share it with the world.  

What role does prayer as a couple play in your marriage? What advice do you have for engaged couples and newlyweds on how to begin praying together?

Be patient with each other! You’ve likely spent decades praying on your own before coming together, so know that it’s a bit of a dance where you will step on each others’ toes. Communicate what you like to do together and also what you may prefer to do on your own. For example, maybe you like to do the rosary together but spiritual reading alone; or vice versa. Figure out what works for you as a couple and stick to it.  

Also, different seasons of life call for changes. If you’re blessed with children, your prayer rhythm will change. Make the most of the time you have; quality over quantity. Look at children as an opportunity of prayer (and purgation!) instead of obstacles to your prayer. 

If you could give one piece of marital advice to the brides and newlyweds reading this interview, what would it be?

Communication, communication, communication! Learn how to communicate well with God, and learn how to communicate well with your spouse. Communication with God is what prayer is, and being honest with God about your hurts, brokenness, desires allows a lot of healing and freedom.

Communication with your spouse is essential! Learning how to argue in a healthy way, learning each others’ love languages, and communicating your desires and expectations in every area of marriage (from how to raise children to who does what part of the housework to what pleases each other sexually) is essential to growing in love for one another and having a marriage that lasts “‘til death do us part.”

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Jackie Francois Angel and Bobby Angel live in Orange County, CA. Jackie is a traveling speaker and worship leader, as well as a songwriter and recording artist with Oregon Catholic Press. Bobby is a campus minister and theology teacher at Servite High School, an all-boys' Catholic High School in Anaheim. They have traveled to speak both nationally and internationally to share their faith and present the Church's vision of life-giving love. They recently welcomed their third child. 

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Chelsy + Ben | Feast of the Annunciation Wedding

Chelsy and Ben were both newcomers to Washington, D.C. the night a mutual friend introduced them at a Mass in the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. Their first conversation didn’t take place until, that same evening, they waited for a table at dinner with friends. Chelsy sensed a spark and invited Ben to the upcoming housewarming she and her roommates were hosting. In the weeks that followed, they got to know each other on several more occasions in groups.

For their first official date, Ben took Chelsy hiking, followed by lunch at his forever favorite, Chick-fil-A.  It was a perfect casual day that gave us plenty of time to get to know each other as we both tried not to twist an ankle,” says Chelsy, and a few months later, after a weekend ski trip with friends that involved Ben assisting Chelsy down the bunny slopes, they were both left thinking they might have found the one.

Within about six months, they knew it was love, and the desire to share one life grew continually stronger. “When you look forward for Friday night grocery shopping dates,” says Chelsy, “you know you’ve found the person you can spend your whole life with. We continued to pray and discern, but the Lord revealed His will in subtle ways as it became harder and harder to imagine life without each other.”

A year and a half later, on the backyard swing where he’d first asked her out, Ben popped the question on Chelsy’s birthday.

From the Bride: The night before our wedding, following our rehearsal dinner, we gathered with family and friends for a special Holy Hour. One of the Deacons serving at our wedding Mass led the hour of prayer, while our celebrant was available for confession. Ben's uncle generously led us in song, and we were both able to receive the sacrament of Reconciliation. We spent much of that hour in silent prayer preparing our hearts to enter into marriage together. It was such an essential time to reconnect with one another and our Lord in the midst of all the craziness of wedding week. We both still had long to-do lists to accomplish, but for that hour we were able to refocus, put all our tasks aside, and remind ourselves of the reason behind the whole celebration.

The morning of our wedding we arranged to have gifts delivered to one another. In the Lord’s providence, we both had chosen to gift each other a crucifix. Ben gave me a delicate, golden crucifix to wear around my neck, the most perfectly unplanned wedding day accessory. I gave him a nuptial crucifix that now hangs on our bedroom wall. We both wanted to acknowledge that in marriage we were giving our lives to one another: pouring out our very selves in sacrifice for God’s glory, as Christ has done for us. The sanctuary of our parish Church is dominated by a gorgeous crucifix, under which is written, "As I have done, so you must also do." These words, such an important reminder during the weeks and months of preparation for our wedding day, were the perfect backdrop as we made our vows to one another.

Before the Mass began, we took time to pray together. As is the case for most wedding days, things hadn’t gone exactly according to plan that morning. But all the worries and anxieties melted away when I was finally able to hear Ben’s voice and join our hands in prayer.

Our wedding Mass took place on March 25, the day the Church celebrates the Solemnity of the Annunciation. This has long been my favorite Marian feast day, having great significance in my spiritual life. To begin our marriage on the day the Church celebrates Mary's sweet fiat, and the Incarnation of our Lord himself, had such profound meaning for us and for our future family.

In taking one another as husband and wife, we were indeed giving our own fiat to the Lord, allowing Jesus to be incarnate in our marriage. It was such a powerful lens through which to view the marriage covenant.

We chose to have the Mass celebrated ad orientem. For those unfamiliar with this liturgical custom, ad orientem is a Latin phrase meaning "to the East," symbolizing the Church’s waiting in joyful anticipation of Christ’s coming.

The main difference in this celebration of the Mass is the orientation of the priest. During parts of the liturgy in which the priest and the congregation are joined in prayer addressed to God, the priest and the congregation all face the altar together in unified prayer. Alternatively, when the priest is directly speaking to the congregation, he turns and faces them, addressing them directly. This practice serves as a visual reminder of the moments we are united in prayer to our Lord and highlights the unity of the priest and the people. We found it so incredibly moving to celebrate our wedding in this ancient orientation, with all our family and friends gathered together, joining us in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

We presented a bouquet of roses to Our Lady before the Mass concluded. We honored her on the feast of her great fiat which changed all of human history, asking her intercession as we began our life as husband and wife.

Since Ben and I met, dated, fell in love, and would start our family life together in D.C., it was really special to be able to celebrate our wedding in the place that has very much become home for us. Ben serves in the Air Force, so like other military families we will call many places home, but we know D.C. will always be a special place for us. Our family and friends came from all over, and it was such fun to share with them a place we love so much. Since it was Spring, the city was really showing off as the Cherry Blossoms were in peak bloom! The location and season definitely contributed to our classic, Capitol-inspired wedding and reception. Our entrance into the reception was marked by an Air Force saber arch, and aviation-inspired details were sprinkled throughout, including gliders for all the kiddos--and kids at heart.

We began our honeymoon by celebrating Easter in the Eternal City. On Holy Saturday, we stood in St. Peter's Square as the Holy Father celebrated the Easter Vigil. The bells rang out and the whole square was filled with overwhelming light, proclaiming the Resurrection of Christ.

In marriage, we accept the Cross and all its sacrifice, knowing that in doing so we are promised the joy of the Risen Christ! That promise had never felt so real and so new as it did standing in the square that evening as newlyweds. A few days later we were present for the Papal audience to receive the sposi novelli blessing, and were able to personally greet the sweet Holy Father. The rest of our honeymoon was spent journeying through Rome, Venice, Bavaria and Austria, visiting the most gorgeous Churches and asking for the intercession of each Church's patron, and those of its altars and artworks, all along the way. It was like one giant, geographic Litany of the Saints!

When I think back on our wedding day, I am consistently drawn to our vows and to the parallels between the marriage covenant and Mary’s great yes that led to the Incarnation of Christ.

When the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary as a young girl, she--much like a young bride--had been preparing for her vocation. Mary may not have known she would be the Mother of God, but by nurturing an intimate relationship with the Lord, she had been preparing her heart to receive this great honor.

When she was told she would bear Christ, the Son of God, as a child in her womb, she couldn’t have known exactly what her acceptance would entail. She asked, “How can this be?” clearly knowing there would complications explaining how she—a virgin—was with child, all while betrothed to a man. Not only was it complicated; it could actually cost her her life. Yet she embraced all the possible suffering that lay ahead with her faithful response: “May it be done to me according to your word.”

In that moment, Mary may not have foreseen Calvary, but she trusted God to provide for her through whatever trials were to come. In much the same way, bride and groom cannot know the challenges and sufferings that await them in marriage. While they may have an idea, they don’t know what their specific Cross and Calvary will be, yet they enter a covenant—“for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health”—for love of the other and love of Christ.

They say yes to one another, trusting in God’s plan, willing to sacrifice their very lives. Through this dying to self, the spouses come to know the joy of life with Christ. For Mary, it was only through her embrace of the Cross that she came to wear her Crown and reign as the Queen of Heaven. As spouses, we pray that our marriage will sanctify one another and lead us to experience the joy of Heaven—and even begin to taste its sweetness while here on Earth.

Photography: KT Crabb Photography | Church: St. Leo the Great Catholic Church, Fairfax, Virginia | Reception: St. Francis Hall at the Franciscan Monastery, Washington, D.C. | Bride's Dress: Stella York | Bride's Shoes: Betsy Johnson | Groom and Groomsman Attire: Jos. A. Bank | Cake: Wegmans | Rings: Personal Touch Jewelers | Stationary: Vistaprint

Embracing Marriage as a Child of Divorce

ALEXA DONCSECZ 

St. John Chrysostom says, “the love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together.” But what if you are a child of divorce, and the love between your parents proved incapable of holding your own family together, much less society? Where, in this world of false freedom and loose commitments, can an adult child of divorce turn for strong examples of holy marriage?

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This is a question I’ve reflected on often throughout my life. My parents divorced when I was eleven years old, and I think of that chapter as the time when my childhood ended. I’m not saying that to sound dramatic. It is simply honest. Navigating adult issues and emotions forces a child to grow up quickly, regardless of how amicable the situation might be, or how much effort adults devote to shielding their children from the aftermath.

Still, I remember feeling drawn to the idea of marriage from a young age. In high school, I had an experience that sealed my desire for marriage as something stronger and more deeply rooted than all my other aspirations.

It happened in my junior year Theology class. A guest speaker shared his testimony of how chastity had been a key part of his relationship with his fiancée. I listened to him describe how purity had helped him and his future bride center their relationship on God, giving them a strong foundation for a marriage built to last, and I remember thinking, That’s what I want.

It might seem like a small moment, but most pivotal moments do seem small at the time. Either way, I know now that this young man and his humble reflection provided me with the first tangible example of what I believed marriage should look like, and of what I wanted for myself when I was older.

Now, a decade removed from that day in Theology, and more than fifteen years since my parents’ divorce, I am engaged and preparing for my own marriage this year. As you can imagine, I’ve done a great deal of introspection on my ideas about marriage and where they came from, what it means to be a wife and eventually a mother, and what is to be expected in my relationship with my husband.

I have also required a fair amount of healing. My journey toward the altar has brought to light wounds I never even knew I had from navigating divorce. With that, I would like to share five things that have helped me prepare for marriage as an adult child of divorce.

A greater appreciation for the permanence of marriage

Any hardship can produce either bitterness or improvement. History can either repeat itself, or it can spark a change for the better.

While we should all ideally be able to rest in the peace that marital love--whether our own or our parents’--is permanent and unconditional, divorce provided me a constant reminder that marriage requires work to remain healthy and thriving.

I know many whose parents are still married, and those individuals also have a tremendous appreciation for marriage and its permanence. I would in no way imply that children of divorce are more likely to value that aspect of marriage than their peers from intact families. I can definitely say, however, that for me personally, encountering divorce as a child forced me to evaluate marriage early on and decide what it meant to me, and what I would want if I got married one day.

For me, that extra element of reflection and intentionality made a huge difference in certain decisions I made as I got older, like striving for chastity and choosing to make faith a key component of my romantic relationships. Strewn throughout my dating life were subtle habits and tendencies--mostly faith centered--that I believed would help “divorce-proof” my future marriage, because that security was extremely important to me.

Trusting in the grace of the sacrament

It’s often said God will not give us more than what he knows we can handle. As Catholics, we believe when we receive the sacrament of Holy Matrimony, we gain special graces that will help us fully live out our vocation to married life.

Coming from a broken home, it was no secret to me that marriage brings obstacles and challenges, many of which test the bond of commitment between husband and wife. As I grew older and reflected on the struggles that led to the breakdown of my household, it wasn’t unusual for me to become discouraged by doubt. I wondered how couples overcome trials or simply recovered from arguments, and wondered whether a lasting marriage is an unrealistic expectation in the world we live in.

This is where understanding grace played a significant role for me.

When a couple receives the sacrament of marriage, they likewise receive all the graces necessary to help them fulfill their vocation: as spouses to each other, as parents to their children, and living out the universal call to holiness in their individual lives--ultimately gaining eternal salvation. Of course, this doesn't mean marriage will be easy, or that doing what is required of us always feels good or provides immediate fulfillment.

But it does mean we have all the tools we need to live out our marriage in accord with God’s plan and be sanctified by it, because we have the unyielding support of sacramental grace.

The sacramental aspect of marriage acknowledges God’s indispensable role in the relationship between husband and wife, a reminder that marriage is not something we do alone. In order to be successful, we need to constantly rely on God and on the graces of the sacrament, in sacrifice and in radical trust.

Making peace with the past

Throughout my dating experiences, especially as I became more serious about marriage and became engaged, it was important for me to make peace with my past. This mainly meant talking to each of my parents about what happened in their marriage that led to the divorce. Not only did these conversations help me piece together a narrative I would not have been able to process as a child, they also shed light on some of the issues capable of driving marriages apart.

I have been fortunate to have a strong relationship with my parents, both of whom were gentle and understanding with me over the years as I came to them with questions. Their candor allowed me the opportunity to explore our shared situation and to better my own understanding of marriage. I realize, however, that such openness is not possible in all divorce situations. In those cases, there are other ways a person can make peace with her past and find the healing necessary to move forward.

More recently, I was very fortunate to stumble upon a discussion group specifically geared toward adult children of divorce who share the Catholic faith. With this group’s support and shared insight, I've been able to revisit many questions and thoughts I’ve carried with me from various points in my journey. Several members of this group have been married for many years, and talking with them about their experiences has given me valuable insight and perspective.

Talking to good priests and mentors

Marriage preparation and sessions with a priest have been so much more than just another item to check off the wedding list. God has placed so many wonderful priests in the lives of my fiancé and I who have guided us in our spiritual journey.

I have been blessed, in particular, by two priests whom I’ve leaned on and sought out at all stages of this process. Both are wise and holy men whom I know are deeply invested in the fruitfulness of our lives and in the success of our marriage. They have guided me in spiritual direction and are always willing to discuss whatever dilemma or anxiety is on my mind. They have answered all my difficult questions and provided peace when I needed it most.

My fiancé and I are also grateful to have met many married couples through our work for the Church; couples who image what it means to embrace God’s plan for marriage. Some of them are older and several steps ahead of us, but many are our own friends and peers who are able to walk with us side-by-side, as we venture into uncharted territory together.

Priests and mentors are great resources when it comes to journeying through the spiritual life. There is truly strength in numbers. Creating a network of support around yourself and your relationship can make a huge difference in your marriage. When building a support system for your marriage, it is important to look for individuals who advocate for the unity in your relationship, and who will not take sides or create division during times of struggle.

If you are healing from a broken home as you prepare for marriage, I highly recommend finding a priest you feel comfortable talking to and allowing him to walk with you on your journey.

Looking to the Holy Family

Finally, if you ever feel at a loss for a good model of marriage and family, especially in a culture where it can be difficult to find examples of holy marriages, our Catholic faith gives us an excellent blueprint in the holy family.

When I struggle with my image of what a wife and mother should be, I find consolation in talking to Mary. When I need a reminder of what familial love looks like in God’s plan, it helps to reflect on the interactions between Mary, Joseph, and Jesus.

Overall, the challenges we experience are part of what shape us into the people we become. Our wounds can become our strengths if we invite God in and allow him to heal us. And while divorce has been a painful part of my past, I have faith that with the constant help of God and the sacraments, my marriage will be built to last.

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About the Author: Alexa is a 2013 graduate of The Catholic University of America, where she earned her B.S. in Biology with a minor in Psychology. She serves as the Assistant Director for Youth, Young Adult and Family Ministry for the Diocese of Allentown, where she has been happily employed since 2014. Alexa and her fiancé Patrick got engaged in December 2016, and are excitedly planning and preparing for a June 2018 marriage. Together they enjoy Cracker Barrel breakfasts, long walks around Barnes & Noble, and deciding which bridal expos have the best cake samples. Alexa's hobbies include writing, photography, and drinking coffee. 

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Preparing for the Wedding Feast...of the Lamb

EMILY RICCI

When my husband proposed to me, we sat around being cute and happy for approximately an hour before I pulled out a notebook. “Okay,” I said to him. “Are you ready to get to work?”

From that day on, and throughout the entirety of our 306-day engagement, I don’t think I ever stopped thinking about wedding details. I was a DIY bride with a penchant for holding a wedding on a budget, so I was always doing something: hand painting frames for centerpieces, printing and cutting invitations in my college library, spending hours scouring the internet for deals.

The only time I’d ever really pause would be during Adoration. I work at a college, and each morning, I’d stop at the chapel to pray. As I knelt before the Blessed Sacrament, I'd mentally count down the days until our wedding, letting go of the details for a few moments. Truly resting in the beauty of the sacrament I was preparing to receive.

It was during one of these times of reflection, just prior to our wedding day, that I had this thought: Jesus often uses the imagery of a wedding during his teaching, because he equates a wedding to what heaven will be like. Imagine, then, if we were to prepare for the Wedding Feast of the Lamb like we prepare for our own weddings.

What would that preparation look like? And how can the different stages of wedding planning aid us in our journey both to the altar and our ultimate destination? Here, my suggestions for navigating your planning with our ultimate purpose in mind:

Your Announcement

There’s something wonderfully thrilling about seeing the word engaged next to your name on Facebook and watching the reactions and shocked comments pour in.

As I restrained myself from posting every subsequent detail about wedding planning throughout my engagement, I started thinking about how I presented myself online in general.

Did my friends and family know, for instance, how important my faith is to me? I realized that in coming to my wedding, some may be surprised how “Catholic” it was going to be, and that perhaps being less afraid to talk about my faith online might be an easy way to continue evangelizing after the wedding.

Selecting Your Wedding Party

For our earthly wedding, we select the wedding party with care. We look to close relatives and friends, choosing men and women who will not only be fun to celebrate with, but whom we can depend on; people who are reliable and will keep us calm and organized.

In the same way, we can prepare a “wedding party” to accompany us on our faith journey, surrounding ourselves with people who lead us toward God and encourage us to follow him.

Revel in the moments spent with dear friends. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to lean on others for spiritual support. The community of women within Spoken Bride is a lovely place to start.

The Dress

I went wedding dress shopping early, because that was the stage of planning I was most looking forward to. I tried on the first dress the stylist chose, saw myself in the mirror, and instantly knew it was the dress. I did try on two others, but an hour later had already put down the deposit on the first. I knew people would think I was crazy for buying the first wedding dress I’d ever tried on, but it didn’t matter. I just knew it was the one.

What makes your soul feel beautiful? For me, it’s playing Christian music on my way to work. While Praise and Worship may not be everyone’s style, rocking out to a spiritual tune sets my soul on fire. Whatever makes your soul feel beautiful, do that. Don’t feel pressured to conform to what works for others’ spiritual journeys, but ensure you are taking time during this season of engagement to beautify your soul in addition to your body.

DIY

I was a DIY bride: everything I could make myself, I did, loving being such an integral part of the process. Did it cause me to have breakdowns about postcard paper mailing weights and how to glue together paper frames? Absolutely. But I regret nothing, because I got the full wedding experience I’d wanted for myself.

Ironically, when it comes to preparing for the Wedding Feast of the Lamb, I’d advise the exact opposite: don’t try to DIY it.

We were made to be social creatures. Spiritual communion can be a beautiful thing among friends. One of my best religious memories is of praying the Rosary with my college friends when Daily Mass was cancelled one day, echoed beautifully when these same friends all came together to pray the Rosary before the Blessed Sacrament the night before our wedding. Be especially unafraid of relying on your fiancé or husband. That is your ultimate calling--to lead one another to heaven!

All the Details

My personality and habits made me meticulous about the details of our wedding. From including handwritten, personalized notes inside each place card to redoing the venue’s menu cards so everything would be the same color, I wanted everything to be perfect.

Yet my perfectionism didn’t always translate to my faith. While in my mind everything had to be the right color at my wedding, I was perfectly fine giving myself excuses about my prayer life: well, God can’t expect me to be perfect.

The thing is, he can, and he does. My wedding encouraged me to not settle for average in my faith life, but to strive to be as spiritually perfect as I can be.

The Wedding Day

The day of our wedding, I woke up at 5 A.M. I took a deep breath, looked at the sun streaming through my window, and was filled with elation, just like I always thought I would be.

Then--unlike I ever thought--I looked at the time, decided I was still tired, and fell back to sleep for another half hour. At the very moment I thought I’d be most nervous, all the stress of the past months simply melted away in the joy of marrying my best friend, whom I had been longing for and anticipating for years.

That’s how I want to feel on the day that God brings me home. I want to feel so prepared, so  ready for his coming that I can be full of peace in finally being united to him. Just as I gave myself wholeheartedly to my husband on our wedding day, so too do I want to be able to give a pure, loving heart to the Creator, free of sin and full of joy, with longing anticipation to be totally his.

The period of engagement can be beyond hectic, but allow yourself the time and space to make it a spiritual journey, as well as a practical one. Know of my  prayers for you as you prepare for your big day here on earth, and for the other “big day” you’ll someday reach in heaven!

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About the Author: Emily Ricci – Emily Ricci is a Spoken Bride vendor and the owner of Gloriam Marketing, a Catholic marketing, consulting, and event planning firm that also designs programs and custom inserts for Catholic weddings. She married her college sweetheart and best friend on June 16, 2017 and has a passion for Christ, marketing, and the Oxford comma (in that order).  

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7 Reception DIYs for Brides On a Budget

Spoken Bride vendor Sinikka Rohrer of Soul Creations Photography possesses a true heart for helping her clients prepare for their marriages--the days that follow long after the wedding. Knowing budget-conscious choices and DIYs can be time-consuming, sometimes to the point of unrest and spiritual distraction, she shared with us a handful of projects from her clients Angela and Lucas' springtime wedding with a natural, farmhouse-inspired sensibility. 

No matter what your style, we hope Angela's strategies for creative, affordable décor will inspire your own projects. 

From the Bride: Here, the inspiration and steps we employed for our reception DIYs.

Head Table Backdrop: Hula Hoop Wreath with Faux Flowers

At the end of the summer season, my family and I went to Dollar Tree and bought several hula hoops (only $1 each!!). We sprayed them with gold paint before adding flowers.

Then we got to my favorite part: flower shopping! I went to Michael's in the spring when they were 60% off. Thank goodness for faux flowers, because we were able to make these ahead of time and transport them without worrying about damage. My mom and I laid out all the flowers and greenery I bought and made the arrangements ourselves. We used hot glue, wide clear tape, green floral tape, and green floral wire to adhere everything to the hoops.  

While setting up, my dad and brother hung the hoops from the arches in our reception venue with clear fishing line.

Head Table Backdrop: Golden Monogram

For the backdrop featuring our newly shared last initial, N, I needed material that was sturdy but also light enough to hang from the arches. We went to Lowe's and found green foam insulation boards. I traced an N onto it with pencil and cut it out with a knife. I then covered the whole thing in Mod Podge and sprinkled glitter all over it. I bought a pound of gold glitter from Amazon that I used for all of the projects with sparkle.

Wine Bottle Table Numbers 

I collected wine bottles from everyone I knew. After Googling, I found the best way to remove labels was to soak the bottles in hot water mixed with baking soda; it really did the trick for the most part. If I were to do it again, I would have tried to gather all clear bottles and bottles without foil labels--the foil was nearly impossible to remove .

I invited my girlfriends over to paint the bottles white. We ended up using white spray paint, which left a nice smooth finish. I decorated the bottles using ribbon, lace, and gold crafting materials I'd acquired from different bridal showers and sales at Michael’s.

For the gold table numbers, I purchased a Cricut Air from Joann fabrics on Black Friday, as well as solid and glittery gold adhesive paper. I cut out numbers from the Cricut and simply stuck them on all the bottles. We filled them with baby’s breath at the tables.

Paper Tablecloths & Stenciled Chargers

We purchased thick brown paper for the tables, and my dad found a laurel wreath stencil from Michaels that we used to frame each table setting in white, using spray paint. Once we figured out the size and positioning of each plate, each tablecloth after that was easy to replicate. 

Hand-Written Silverware Holders

With the leftover tablecloth paper, we cut strips thick enough for the stamp I bought from Etsy. We them cut out, stamped each one, and wrapped the silverware in it. A small touch of hot glue kept it together! We also used gold plastic utensils and napkins from Costco to keep costs manageable.

Cake & Gift Table Décor: Painted Crate & Garland

I literally found a pallet in a dumpster downtown Indianapolis, and some random man helped me hoist it into my car! I decided to use it as a sign for the cake and gift table painted it using white paint we had leftover from a room project at my house. After covering the pallet and letting it dry, I went to my computer to find a fancy yet readable font, which I used to type and print the Bible verse used for the pallet. 

My parents have a small teacher’s overhead projector at home, which I used to project the printed verse onto the pallet. I traced the outline of each letter with a pencil, then used a gold paint marker from Michael’s to fill them in.

The gold garland we draped over the finished sign was purchased around Christmas time from Hobby Lobby. My bridesmaid arranged it once the table was set up! 

Welcome Table Décor: Painted Window Shutter with Clothespins

Our welcome table featured a collection of Lucas' and my engagement photos, pinned to window shutters. My parents had a set of shutters in their basement already; otherwise, I would have looked for them at garage sales or resale shops. They were a dusty rose color before I spray-painted them white 

Once we got to the hall, I asked my bridesmaid to arrange the pictures, printed from Walgreens, and attach them with gold mini clothespins purchased from Michaels.

If you're also a bride with a penchant for DIY, we're eager to hear about your own projects. Be sure to share your inspirations and budgeting strategies in the comments and on our social media!

Photography: Soul Creations Photography

How to Pray About Your Wedding Vows Using Lectio Divina

LIZ ESCOFFERY

I think back often to my engagement, and to its many hours spent at Eucharistic Adoration. During that time, I would beg Jesus to make me into a good wife and, someday, mother.

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I didn’t know then that those many hours of prayer would carry me through the smooth and bumpy parts of married life my husband Bill and I would encounter. Five years into our marriage, a strong prayer life remains a gift and refuge in the midst of full, enjoyable--but busy--days of family life and work.  

Introducing Lectio Divina

Lectio Divina is a type of prayer I return to often. Latin for “divine reading,” it is a Benedictine form of prayer, traditionally done by reading a short passage of Holy Scripture and choosing a word, phrase, or image that stands out to you. The passage should be read several times in its entirety, once aloud if possible. Then, whomever is spending time in prayer meditates on her standout word, reads the passage again with new eyes, and engages in an exchange with God about what he wants to reveal. This prayer can be individually, as a couple, or in a small group.

We can do the same thing with any text, whether thoughtful prose or poems, song lyrics, or liturgical rites. In that spirit, I want to share with you a way to use lectio divina to meditate on the Catholic Rite of Marriage.

Below, along with the text of the Rite, I offer my own reflection questions to help you enter more deeply into this encounter. Whether you pray this on your own or in the presence of your fiancé or spouse, first take a moment to ask for the Holy Spirit to guide your time in prayer. Breathe deeply and savor the silence around you.

(Name) and (name), have you come here to enter into Marriage without coercion, freely and wholeheartedly?     

Is there anything I need to surrender or let go of before entering into this Sacrament? What does it look like to make a free gift of myself to my spouse?  

Are you prepared, as you follow the path of Marriage, to love and honor each other for as long as you both shall live?  

Who are some holy couples whose marriage I admire? What can I learn from their witness?

What will be the building blocks of a lifelong marriage? Is there a particular virtue I need to cultivate now that will allow me to love and honor my spouse for the rest of my life?

Are you prepared to accept children lovingly from God and to bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?

How do I view my fertility? Have I learned Natural Family Planning and been diligent in trying to understand the Church’s teachings on the dignity and purpose of sex in marriage?

Have I considered the possibility of infertility? Of an unplanned pregnancy? How would I love my spouse through these situations?   

Which dimensions of my sexuality need the Lord’s healing touch (Consider spiritual, physical, intellectual, creative, communicative, emotional)? Is there a dimension we are very strong in already? Is there one we need to grow in as a couple?  

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my husband. I promise to be faithful to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love you and to honor you all the days of my life.

Where am I spiritually  with this vow: does it make me nervous? Excited? Does it seem like it will be difficult? What fears or anxieties do I have in committing myself to this purpose?

Depending on your wedding liturgy plans,  additional text for your prayer time can be found in the language of the wedding Mass, wedding outside of Mass for two baptized persons, and a wedding between a Catholic and unbaptized spouse.

Check out the Nuptial Blessing and the Blessing at the Conclusion of the Wedding, as well, to find more liturgically rich and beautiful language which is great for lectio divina.

I hope this exercise in prayer helps you take any inspiring, holy text and use it to enter into a dialogue with God and with your spouse in marriage. Whether you utilize lectio divina to prepare for your wedding day or to savor the graces of your marriage in the weeks, months, and years afterward, may it bless you and encourage you to continue in prayer.

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About the Author: Liz Escoffery is a Certified FertilityCare Practitioner and Birth Boot Camp Instructor with Indy FertilityCare. In May 2017, she earned her Master of Arts in Theology from St. Meinrad Seminary & School of Theology. She enjoys working with engaged couples and newlyweds (both in Indianapolis, IN and virtually) and has helped over 175 women and couples learn the Creighton Model. She and her husband Bill have two children and another due in March 2018.

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The Limits of Pre-Marital Inventories

STEPHANIE CALIS

As a middle schooler, my love for personality quizzes took root in magazines and a young internet. There was something so satisfying about being told what flavor of lip balm best suited my style, which boy from Harry Potter was my soulmate, and what future tattoo I should get.

A few years later, my penchant for quizzes took a more serious turn when I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory for the first time on a youth group retreat. Reading through each bullet points describing INFJs, I thought, that’s me. That’s me. That’s me.

This short paragraph seemingly nailed exactly who I was. As an awkward teenager, the comfort found in reading about who you are, and discovering there are enough others out there with your same tendencies to categorize them into a personality type--the feeling that maybe I wasn’t as unusual or as much of an outsider as I sometimes felt like--was not to be underestimated.

I know now that the sense of deep recognition I felt speaks to every heart’s cry to be known. We desire to be understood; to be told we aren’t alone in certain weaknesses and struggles inherent to our personality--even when the one telling us is an inanimate piece of paper or computer tab.

Fast forward to my engagement, when my husband and I took the inventory in the book The Temperament God Gave You at our sponsor couple's recommendation. Specifically, they asked us to consider what aspects of our temperaments, upbringings, and spiritual lives might be a source of contention in our future marriage. I happily complied.

My husband, however, was suspicious. He didn’t want who he was to be put into one of several boxes, he said, nor did he believe a book could tell us everything we needed to know about ourselves and our relationship. I half-seriously wondered to myself if his not liking personality inventories would be a source of contention. Truly, though, my husband was on to to something.

Unlike inanimate text that, insightful and knowing as it may be, is meant for thousands and can’t personally interact with us, the living God does know us, so intimately and particularly. He knows each person as so much more than a designated personality type or set of letters. In that fullness of who we are, we are loved.

It’s this love spouses are called to reflect to one another. For the first time, I began to consider what we were like simply as we were, rather than what we were like according to tests and inventories.

I’ve realized these materials do warrant critical thinking rather than blind acceptance of their results. If, like us, you are given inventories like the temperament test or FOCCUS as part of your marriage prep, it can be helpful to approach them with an open, yet critical mind and to consider how you might deal with potential concerns.

One drawback that arises from these inventories, for instance, is the false perception that you’re locked into your weaknesses: hearing a dead-on description of myself in the temperament test, in both my strengths and struggles, initially led me to believe I struggled with complacency, laziness, and following through on things because that was simply my temperament; who I was. In reality, I can see now that personality descriptions aren’t there to tell us who we are and then let us be. Instead, they can serve as a means of bringing to light vices and struggles we can become more aware of, in the hope of improving upon them.

Moreover, when you and your beloved fall into seemingly opposite personality categories, or if your inventory highlights opinions or areas of your lives in which you majorly differ, anxiety over your compatibility might arise. Bear in mind that marriage preparation isn’t intended to test how right you are for one another, but to offer tools that enrich your discernment and encourage communication about topics you might never have discussed previously. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in seeking peace over unrest, in whatever way that looks like in your relationship.

Being told who you are by a test is fun, and can provide you with new language and a new lens to understand you and your beloved’s identities within a certain set of qualities. Yet ultimately, our deepest, truest identity comes from Christ. We are loved and willed into existence, we are conformed to him, we are made for love--all of us, no matter what combination of letters makes up our personalities.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Sarah + Joseph | Chesapeake Bay Wedding

During a school break, Sarah needed a ride home. Joseph offered to give her one. That week, he continued making himself available for taking Sarah and her friends to the mall, out to dinner and the movies. Their conversations in the car made Joe consider how similar he was to Sarah. Meanwhile, she’d begun realizing how different they were.

Despite their initial differences, their friendship grew through studying together, spending time with their mutual group of friends, service, and Joe’s encouragement that Sarah attend the daily 6:00 A.M. Mass at their parish.

After Mass one day, Joe told Sarah, "I can see myself marrying you." He asked if he could date her with the intention of discerning marriage. Their discernment led them to entrust their relationship to Mary and grow both individually and as a couple. After an elaborate all-day scavenger hunt, Joe proposed during a boat ride on the Chesapeake Bay. Out on the water, he pulled out a letter and a ring. He read the letter and asked her to marry him.

From the Bride: Family is a huge part of our lives, and it’s a big part of what marriage is about. Every marriage gives birth to a new family. We are both from large families-- I’m the oldest in my family, and Joe is the youngest in his. We wanted to highlight the beauty and vocation of family through our wedding, so we invited our siblings to process into the church in groups. One of my favorite memories from the day is being driven to the church in the big old family 15-passenger van!

I brought all six of my sisters, my mom, and a close friend to the bridal store where I found my dress. After narrowing down a couple choices, I couldn’t make up my mind between a classic white dress and this beautiful bohemian dress. I decided to sleep on it and send a picture to my future mother-in-law. She responded with the question, “What dress makes you feel beautiful?” I picked the boho dress.

Because the dress was so unique, we decided to keep it a big secret amongst the sisters and moms. My grandmother passed on to me a family veil worn by her, my mother, and my great-grandmother wore. My aunt graciously transferred the handmade lace to a chapel length veil. It was quite the family effort.

For our family wedding party, I chose a few shades of blue and encouraged everyone to buy attire that suited him or her. We chose the guys’ anchor bowties and suspenders because they fit well with what we love: blue water, sky, and boats! The Mass was filled with flower girls and little boys in bowties. Joe’s goddaughter carried a crucifix we said our vows over. It now hangs in our bedroom, a daily reminder of the vows and cross we carry.

Joe's father passed away a few months before our wedding. Our wedding date was on Father’s Day, a special gift from our Heavenly Father and it made us feel Pop was there in a distinct way. On the back of our wedding program, we placed a picture of Pop holding hands with his wife: a nod that marriage is until death, pointing us to the eternal love in Heaven.

Our prayer for our nuptial mass was that everyone focus on Christ. We read the USCCB’s suggested readings and prayed with them a couple months before the wedding, talking about what readings correlated with the journey God had led us on and asking him what Scripture message our guests should hear at our wedding Mass.

Our first reading, Tobit 8:4-8, is Tobit and his wife Sarah’s prayer on their wedding night, begging God’s mercy upon them and their marriage. We identified with this throughout our journey and desired this to be the prayer of the Mass: that we would all ask God’s mercy upon us and seek his help in living out our vocation calls. The second reading was 1 John 4:7-12, “this is how God showed his love among us: he sent his only Son into the world that we might live through him.” Our relationship with Christ was paramount to everything; without strong personal relationships with him, without his love transforming our hearts, there would have been no wedding day for us. Christ worked everything together for our good.

Ultimately, this marriage is about Christ. It’s a crazy calling to exemplify his love for his Church to a broken world.

This is why we picked John 17:20-26, the Crucifixion, for the Gospel. Jesus is praying for us all in these verses, that humankind know the unity that he has with his father, “that they may be one as you and I are one.”

Music is an integral part of our prayer. Joseph plays guitar and I love praise and worship music. We picked songs that correlated with the themes in our readings and invited our guests into worship. We kept the decorations in the church simple: flowers on the altar and bouquets for Our Lady and St. Joseph. On the windowsills of the chapel, we placed pictures of our patron saints as a prayer of intercession.

Our hope for the reception was that it feel like a giant family reunion. Both of us have large extended families, so when it came time to discuss our budget and priorities, our focus was on celebrating with as many of our family members and friends as possible. In our rough estimation, we had about 100 kids between ages of 0 and 12 in attendance!

We were blessed to hold an outdoor reception at Joe’s family home overlooking the Chesapeake Bay. The reception preparation involved lots of precious time with our families: Joe’s family focused on getting the yard ready for the rehearsal dinner and reception, and my mother had us taste test different parts of the meal. My sisters helped me paint decorative pallets, took care of little details like a Jenga block set for our guestbook, and together we arranged our bouquets the morning of the wedding.

We had a large open tent with plenty of dancing space. We served tacos, chips, white queso and salsa dips with beer, water, lemonade, and sangria. For desert, there was delicious key lime and lemon meringue pies. No one went away hungry--afterward, no pie or tacos were left! We set out yard games, but looking back, people were more interested in visiting with each other, dancing, and watching the little ones play in the Bay. The younger party guests played in the water until dusk, then crowded the dance floor with glow sticks.

The morning of the wedding, Joe and I met up on a dock to pray over our wedding day and upcoming marriage. It really centered us in the grace of the sacrament we were about to receive! Matt Maher’s song “Instrument” played as I drove to get ready. The refrain stuck in my head throughout the day: to the Father and the Son / and the Holy Spirit, three in One / I offer you myself, though I’m broken and spent. / Let me be your instrument.

I offer you myself. Those words sum up the beauty of marriage’s grace and love. I offer myself to my husband; I offer myself to my God. We offer ourselves to God. Our wedding day was so peaceful because of those words whispering over in my heart. Peace overflowed in joyful gratitude for God having offered us himself in our journey to the altar, and continually teaching us how to offer ourselves and our love each other.

Photography: DG Photography | Church: St. Francis de Sales, Kilmarnock VA | Wedding Reception Venue : Family Home, Reedville VA |  Bride Dress: BHLDN | Veil: Family Heirloom | Bride shoes: Target through Poshmark | Headpiece: Burlington Coat Factory | Hair- Pins and Curls | Make-up-Sister of Bride | Groom’s Attire- Brooks Brothers, Van Heusen, and Procuffs | Groom and Groomsmen’s bowties and suspenders: Etsy shop crystalAmour | Wedding band for Bride: Zales | Engagement ring and wedding band for Groom: Ross’s Rings and Things | Wedding Flowers: Norfolk Whole Sale Florist | Catering- Clare West and co. Invitations- @solivaganartist, Rentals: Clement’s Party Rentals.

Sacrifice When One of You Works in Ministry

AMANDA SLOAN

Sacrifice.

Sacrifice is probably one of the last words I think of when I think about marriage. In reality, however, sacrifice and marriage are fused together; impossible to separate.

Steven Dray Images

My husband and I are a missionary family with FOCUS. As such, our life involves a fair amount of sacrifice. In the four years we've been married, we've lived in three different states. Moving is a sacrifice. Fundraising your salary is a sacrifice. Solo parenting weekends while my husband is on retreat are a cross to bear. Late nights without him home, because a student is in crisis, are a sacrifice. There are many beautiful moments involved in being in ministry together, but there is also much sacrifice.

The thing about sacrifice is that it can go one of two ways: for a purpose, giving it dignity and meaning, or begrudgingly, making one bitter and resentful. In our time in ministry I've experienced both when these trials have been asked of us.

What I've found, time and again, is that life is more beautiful, our marriage grows deeper, and ministry is more fruitful when we understand and remember the meaning of our sacrifices.

No one forced my husband and I into ministry together, just as no one forced us into marriage. Whether your marriage involves active ministry or not, it will certainly involve sacrifice. When the dirty laundry piles up or the kids are acting like animals at the zoo, I remind myself to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Seeing it reminds me that these trials and inconveniences aren't just about me--rather, they are for the Kingdom.

At any given moment, my husband is on campus with a student because that student needs a listening ear or an invitation to know and be loved by Jesus. We move around the country because we trust in the guidance of the Holy Spirit and our superiors to place us on the campus where we--with our own unique gifts and shortcomings--are most needed, where our great passion for what we do will touch the hearts and souls of those we come in contact with.

That isn't to say that it is all hearts and rainbows when I look at the bigger picture. The laundry still piles up; the budget gets out of whack; the kids still act like animals. But instead of being bitter about my own frustrations or unmet desires, I see the purpose, the reason, behind it all. I ask myself hard questions instead of just throwing myself a pity-party about the still-unwashed dishes.

Would I rather have my husband home to help me with bedtime, or on campus sharing Jesus with someone who has literally never heard about him before? Would I rather be caught up on the laundry, or take that time to teach my toddler the alphabet? When I can put my sacrifices in context it helps me "offer it up," as the old saying goes.

Not only does this practice make my days easier; it makes my marriage better, too. Rather than being bitter about when my husband does finally come home, I'm excited for his arrival, eager to hear about the work he's done, the students he's befriended and the friendships he is forming.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus asked His Father to let the cup pass from Him, to not have to endure the struggles and sacrifices of the crucifixion. But ultimately He prayed, "still, not my will but yours be done" (Luke 22:42).

Following His example, we can take the hardships of our marriages to the Father and ask Him to remove them from us, but we must also cede control to His will. If He doesn't remove the struggles we can choose to offer them back to Him, to toil for the Kingdom, making a sweet aroma out of married life's trying sacrifices.

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About the Author: Amanda Sloan is a missionary spouse serving alongside her husband, Anthony, with the Fellowship of Catholic University Students (FOCUS). Amanda is also the author of Worthy: See Yourself as God Sees You and the blog Worthy of Agape. In between tea parties and jumping jacks with her two daughters, Amanda enjoys hiking, exploring the outdoors, or stealing away with the computer to write. 

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Vendor Spotlight | Keara Anne Weddings

It could be argued that God’s mercy encompasses not only his bottomless forgiveness, but his particular will for each human person. His will--his every grace, plan, and intention for us--is a unique gift of love. A gift of providence specific to each of his children.

 It could be claimed, as well, that providence and timing are inseparable from vocation: the Father’s fingerprints cover each of us in his plans, and his path, for our sanctification and ultimate homecoming. The first time Keara Mooberry--a wife, mother, and former high school math teacher--dove into wedding coordination, she’d fallen in love with the process of creating a peaceful, intentional day for her own nuptials and, later, for her brother’s big day. Except she was working full-time while pregnant with her second child, her husband was about to go back to school, and they were making plans for a cross-country move from Phoenix to Philadelphia.

After settling into her new home in Pennsylvania, the Holy Spirit continued whispering to Keara’s heart for planning and service. Recognizing her gifts for calmness and foresight, an old friend reached out to Keara, asking her assistance in planning a Catholic wedding. Excited to work with her first non-family client, Keara and her friend began monthly meetings. It was a time of professional self-discovery, with Keara carving out a supporting role to the bride’s planning as she prepared to take over final responsibilities during the month of the wedding.

Above all, the experience was marked by creating a sense of peace. In this busy season of couples’ lives together, Keara understands the need to identify opportunities for calm during wedding planning, and strives to cultivate that calmness and peace with each of her clients.

Doing God’s will brings peace to the heart. As you journey to the altar, there is an abiding contentment and joyful anticipation at having found the one who will sanctify you for life. If, like Keara, your life’s work brings that same sensibility, it’s beautiful to glimpse the delight he takes in showing us our strengths, opening doors to put them at the service of his love. 

From Keara: Sometimes I think the role faith plays is easier to see after the fact. I can see now how God was telling me, not yet, Keara when we were still in Phoenix. I can see how he kept my desire for serving brides on my heart as I made other major life transitions. I can see how he reconnected me with my friend so I could support her in her wedding and marriage preparation journey. At the same time, my friend served me with the opportunity to get my hands wet in this joy-filled field.

Now, I feel encouraged working with brides, particularly Catholics who love working with a planner who shares their faith. It’s a benefit both for logistical reasons--like planning a timeline for the day around the wedding Mass--and for the purpose of working with a vendor who will be praying for them and supporting them in their discerned vocation.

I like to think of brides more as friends than clients. I love to walk next to them in a supportive role as they prepare for their wedding day and marriage. I also take a very logical/logistical approach to helping them manage their wedding details, because I believe that without a logical approach or good logistical planning, the beautiful details of a wedding can get muddled and overwhelming. My goal is to provide peaceful planning to brides and grooms and their families so that all they have to focus on is the joy and beauty of their wedding day.

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Eric Foss Photography

Eric Foss Photography

Mariah Gentry Photography

Mariah Gentry Photography

Mariah Gentry Photography

Mariah Gentry Photography

How to Include Non-Catholic Family in Your Wedding Preparations

ADA THOMAS

There you are: scrolling through Catholic wedding resources, reading, taking notes on the best ways to incorporate your faith into your big day. But there, in the back of your mind, a voice is saying, what if this doesn’t go over well with my family?

PHOTOGRAPHY: KIRSTEN ANN PHOTOGRAPHY

Planning a wedding can be a stressful experience in any family situation, but when your family or your fiancé's don’t share your faith, it can be even trickier.

Everyone brings their own set of expectations to a wedding. As a bride, the hardest thing you will have to do is to balance all of these expectations with the reality that it is your wedding. And when you add in family who may not share or entirely understand your enthusiasm for having a Catholic wedding, you might feel like you're kissing your sanity goodbye.

Here, a few ways to make your family feel included in your big day, even if they aren’t Catholic or don't share your faith:

Be open.

Surprises are fun at birthdays. But when it comes to your big, fat, Catholic wedding, surprises should be avoided. Let your family know what to expect on your wedding day. Depending on your family's openness, this may or may not be a great time to delve into the mysteries of the Church. Regardless, letting family know what is expected of them at the nuptial Mass is never a bad idea. Consider including a detailed Mass rubric in your program so that guests know exactly what to do throughout the Mass. Eliminating guesswork makes everyone feel more at ease.

It is also a good idea, and powerful (and sometimes unspoken) witness, to share with your non-Catholic family your reasons for choosing to have a Catholic wedding at all. Sure, you could have had your wedding on the beach or while skydiving, but you chose to get married in the Church because it's important to you. Don’t be afraid to share which parts of your wedding liturgy are most meaningful to you or the reasons behind the readings you've chosen.

Find common ground.

Although a Catholic wedding may be different from what your family is used to, there are probably areas where you can find common ground. Most religious groups, for example, include readings from their foundational texts at weddings, and nearly all cultures throughout the world have wedding receptions of some kind, so you should be able to find at least a few commonalities when it comes to including family in your plans.

Consider making a list of these common areas and designating those as the tasks where you can seek assistance from non-Catholic family and friends.

Incorporate family traditions.

You aren't going to be able to live up to every guest’s expectations for your wedding. This doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t include some elements of your family’s history and traditions into the celebration, especially if getting married in the Church means breaking with family tradition.

To honor your families, consider adding heirloom jewelry to your wedding ensemble or meaningful touches to the décor to commemorate members of your family. There is no need for grand gestures, but small tokens assure your family know that you love them and that their traditions are important to you, particularly on your wedding day.

Be at peace.

Finally, be at peace. You are getting married, and preparing to partake in a beautiful sacrament. You and your fiancé are  starting a new and amazing chapter in your life. Is everyone going to be perfectly happy with your wedding? Probably not, but that’s okay.

Take time to enjoy the process of planning your weddings, and to enjoy the aspects of it that reflect your faith. Pray that your non-Catholic guests will not only feel welcomed, but inspired by the beauty of your wedding Mass.

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About the Author: Ada Thomas studied English at the University of Dallas and currently teaches elementary school. She will be marrying her college best friend in November. When she is not wedding planning or teaching, Ada can be found contemplating classical education, redecorating her apartment for the hundredth time, and reading British novels.

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How to Make the Most of a Long-Distance Engagement

STEPHANIE CALIS

My husband proposed beneath a statue of Our Lady on our college campus the summer after I graduated, on the cusp of his starting grad school and my beginning a mission year, five hours apart from each other. We set our wedding date for 13 months later.

Emma Dallman Photography

Given the choice, both of us would've preferred a shorter engagement. Yet given the responsibilities entrusted to each of us over the upcoming year, we concluded it would be both impractical and imprudent for us get married any sooner. Though in many ways, we would have preferred a shorter engagement, the fact remained that there were responsibilities we’d committed to--and moreover, looked forward to. Over the course of the following year, we’d see each other roughly halfway between our new cities, at one of our families' houses every few weeks.

It’s no surprise that adjusting to dating from a distance for the first time, along with planning our wedding and preparing for marriage, often felt overwhelming. When I recall that year of engagement, the hardest aspects were the mounting panic that our wedding was fast approaching with little time to plan, the heightened temptations against chastity that accompanied infrequent visits, balancing time as a couple with family and friend time, and a general sense of impatience. If you're currently engaged long-distance and have similarly experienced at least one of these anxieties, here, four pieces of advice I wish I could go back and tell myself:

Don't fall into believing the two of you are in this alone.  

It sounds obvious, yet I bought into this lie over and over, the one that made me think if I didn't control every part of wedding plans and cultivating our relationship across the miles, everything would fall apart. But it wasn't just on us to take care of all that. So often, I forgot to invite the Father in and to turn to prayer for even the smallest matters. At some point, my husband-to-be reminded me of the grace that resides in the saints’ intercession; throughout our dating relationship, we’d developed our own personal litany, yet I usually only prayed to these men and women at the end of my Rosary, not habitually throughout the day. Though I, in my inadvertent pride, took a while to develop the habit of calling on their prayers, I truly found peace there. If you haven't already, choose a few patrons for your engagement and pray to them often.

Seek out spiritual time together--especially time away from wedding planning.  

Since most of our engagement was spent apart, it was sometimes necessary to condense parts of wedding planning into much shorter periods than we might have had time for otherwise. In my experience, avoiding overemphasis on planning and preparations during rare visits brings about greater peace of heart, and, surprisingly, greater productivity.

When your time is limited, it's tempting to fill every second with managing your to-do list, yet we quickly noticed how much more relaxed and content we felt when we consciously prioritized leisure and quality time. Carving out time for prayer and enjoying being with each other, which for us usually meant getting coffee or playing music together, generally made us feel like there was more time for wedding-related matters than we’d initially perceived.

What’s more, my husband and I were given an opportunity to trust each other and follow through on our word in a specific way: because it simply wasn't possible, or even necessary, to do every wedding project together, we had no option but to delegate tasks to each other and do them on our own--a habit that came in handy after we got married, too.

Don't expect perfection, but don't stop pursuing it.  

Love really can be a battlefield, both before marriage, when chastity sets a standard of abstinence (though I don't personally consider chastity and abstinence the same thing), and continues to call us on after marriage, as spouses are constantly called to die to self, to live out their sexuality through self-gift in its infinite forms, and to strive for virtue and self-discipline.  

No matter how close or far the two of you are living relative to each other before your wedding, it can be seriously hard to discipline the good and beautiful desire to physically express your love. Add infrequent time together into the mix that accompanies long-distance dating, and things get even harder.

While I fully view sexual sin as serious business, a matter in which to set and strive for high standards in your thoughts, words, and actions, I also view it as incredibly human. We are created, body and soul, with a longing for the infinite: an ache whose earthly fulfillment is fulfilled, at least in part, through a properly integrated expression of our sexuality; of who we are as spouses. For those called to marriage, that expression is physical, so it’s natural that those desires are right at the surface during engagement.

It's true that God is just. It's also true that he is infinitely merciful and wants so deeply for us to run to his mercy and to come back to him every time we fall. Be gentle with yourselves, don't give up the fight, and go to confession as often as you need to.

Make this time intentional.

On so many occasions, I wanted to fast forward through engagement and just get to the altar already. Normal as that might have been, it would've been unhealthy if my entire life was defined by the fact that I was engaged or if I didn't take pleasure in anything outside of my relationship. I needed to remind myself I was doing work I loved and sincerely enjoying my life's other pursuits.  

Time is sacred, for the simple yet profound fact that God freely chose to enter into it, a man among us. Use it well. A sense of sweetness can lie in the waiting, if you actively choose to develop it. It inspires a determination to not make engagement wasted time in your friendships, work, spiritual life, and overall sense of presence.

Are you currently engaged long-distance? We welcome the opportunity to pray for you in your journey and offer practical advice--we invite you to share your own tips and intentions in the comments and on our social media!

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Brooke + Timothy | Southern Classics Wedding

We are honored by the opportunity to walk alongside you in this marriage ministry, from Yes to I Do and beyond, and we love returning to our couples' stories as they continue to unfold. If we've featured your love story in our How He Asked engagement series and you now feel called to share your wedding with us, as well, submission details can be found here.

Revisit Brooke and Timothy's testimony and proposal here, then read on for the story of their Southern Virgina-inspired wedding day.

 Brooke and Tim became best friends at 13, more than friends at 16, husband and wife-to-be at 21, and spouses at 22. During their four years at separate colleges, they trusted in God’s faithfulness to sustain their relationship, growing in sacrifice towards their vocation through the distance.

It was Good Friday of their senior year when Tim got down on one knee, promising to spend the rest of his days laying down his own life for Brooke, the way Christ did for his bride on the cross, and asking her to do so in return. He proposed on the campus of the Catholic University of America, Brooke’s alma mater, and they returned there a year and a half later to become one.

From the Bride: Tim and I are really passionate about three things, all of which we wanted to pervade our wedding day: our Catholic faith, our Southern upbringing, and each other. These were the guiding inspirations we strove to weave into each and every part the day.

We knew that first and foremost, we wanted our wedding to be a testament to the grace, faithfulness, and love God has revealed to us throughout our relationship. Our top priority, then, was planning the Mass. Our priest said to us during marriage prep, "The Mass is your gift to one another." He was so right.

Taking the time to intentionally and prayerfully plan each part of the Mass was an opportunity to let God's story of faithfulness to us shine forth to our guests.

Every song, reading and prayer was hand-picked to communicate to our guests just how wonderful our God is. We were so blessed to have two of our dear friends be the musicians and cantors for us, and let me tell you, their voices must be a glimpse of what heaven sounds like. We asked them to sing "Set Me as a Seal" by Matt Maher as the Communion meditation, a special nod to our love story and the words Timmy used to propose to me: "You've been the perfect sister to me; will you be my bride?

Other family members and friends played important roles as well: My sister-in-law and Timmy's sister were our two readers, a dear friend was the altar server, and our marriage preparation mentors brought up the gifts. Seeing so many of our loved ones play integral roles in the Mass felt like a small glimpse of the Communion of Saints.

Not only did the readings, prayers and music we chose help our wedding feel uniquely us; so did two very special decisions we made. The first was our decision to walk down the aisle together. The Catholic Church believes marriage is the only one of the seven sacraments where the bishop, priest, or deacon is not the minister. It is actually the couple themselves who are the ministers of the Sacrament--how awesome is that? What a high calling and gift.

To symbolize our equal role as the ministers of the Sacrament, Tim and I walked down the aisle last, and together. As the bride, walking down together was especially important to me precisely because I didn't want all eyes on me.

I wanted all eyes on both of us. The wedding day is not just about the bride, despite the many times we are told that. Rather, it is about two unique and unrepeatable individuals becoming one.

To honor our parents, we asked them to wait at the end of the aisle, on either side, so we could hug them and thank them for bringing us to this moment before proceeding to the altar.

The second important decision we made was to honor the Blessed Virgin Mary by presenting her flowers towards the end of the Mass, accompanied by the singing of the Salve Regina. Mary has played an irreplaceable role in our relationship and our willingness to follow God's call for our lives. We truly believe we wouldn't be the people we are, or would have made it to our wedding day, day without her intercession. Honoring her was the perfect way of showing our guests how loving and powerful she is.

Our Southern upbringing found its way into the Mass. We wanted to incorporate family traditions and heirlooms into our wedding, while also starting new ones for us to pass down to our own family. In terms of carrying something of our family with us, my sweet mother-in-law so generously sewed us both handkerchiefs made out of Tim's great-grandmother's wedding dress, embroidered with the family initial, F. My own Nana gifted me a bridal satchel that her own mother had made her for her wedding day. As for creating our own tradition, my mother-in-law also helped us make a ring pillow out of swiss dot fabric and the same embroidered F. God willing, we will pass it on to our children one day.

Our love for the South, particularly our home state of Virginia, was most evident at the cocktail hour and reception. The outdoor cocktail hour featured chicken and waffle sliders, watermelon skewers, and a biscuit bar with Virginia Ham. Virginia Bold Rock Cider was served as our bride-and-groom specialty drink, along with a sweet tea bar for our guests to enjoy, as well. Guests played corn hole and ring toss on the grass as they waited for the reception to start.

Inside the hall, the sights of hydrangeas, garden roses, monograms, and swiss dots made our wedding unmistakably Southern-inspired. Our buffet was a good ole' Southern barbecue that also included bacon brussel sprouts, mac and cheese, and cornbread. For desert, Tim and I had a small, personal red velvet cake and offered guests five different flavors of homemade pie.

Getting back to sharing our Catholic faith, though, we found small and intentional ways of continuing to celebrate the reason for our joy--the sacrament of marriage--during the reception. First, each guest's place card was a letter to them, thanking them for being with us on the most important day of our lives, singing God's praises, and gushing over some personal anecdote of our love for them.

Next, each table's centerpiece featured a framed quote by Saint John Paul II, written in calligraphy by one of my fantastic bridesmaids. Each quote spoke to the nature of the sacrament. We hoped to use them as an opportunity to share with our guests the beauty of the Church's teaching, as well as teach them about the saint we are forever indebted and devoted to. Lastly, our favors were prayer cards to Saint John Paul II, plus a JPII medallion with hand-tied velvet ribbon. We were so grateful for the opportunity to share things so close to our hearts.

When I think back to my wedding day, honestly, a lot of it is a blur. Any bride can tell you there are so many moving pieces and faces that it is hard to sit back and truly take it all in. It is easy to become overwhelmed and distracted, and I felt that temptation so many times on my wedding day.

But there are two times of the day that I remember clear as day: our first look and our wedding Mass. And for that, I am so so grateful. We did our first look in our favorite chapel on the campus of The Catholic University of America, and I can still feel the stillness, quiet and light streaming in from the stained glass windows. Having the opportunity to see each other for the first time in that chapel, to kneel side by side and to pour our hearts out to God together, just the two of us, was such a blessing. That time allowed us to focus on why we there and what was most important to us: the sacrament of marriage. It let us pray about all of our anxieties and worries, our families, our guests, and our own hearts. It wasn't long after that we were walking into the church together. This time, too, is a memory that is so clear to me and that I cherish so much.

Looking back, I realize that it was the times of prayer on my wedding day that were the most important and memorable.

So many other things happened that day, all of which were beautiful and good in their own right, but even those things pale in comparison to the peace and joy I felt standing beside my beloved, letting God's grace work in our hearts to bring us into this glorious sacrament.

As for everything else on the wedding day, for any other brides who may need the same reminder I needed, I frequently thought of this quote by St. Francis de Sales: "Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset."

Photography: Birds of a Feather Photography | Church: Saint Vincent's Chapel at The Catholic University of America | First look location: Caldwell Chapel at The Catholic University of America) | Reception: Heritage Hall at The Catholic University of America | Rings: Royale Jewelers, MD | Flowers: Purchased from Potomac Wholesale and Trader Joes
Chair Rentals: Party Rental LTD | Caterer: Aramark Catering at The Catholic University of America | Bride's Dress: Hayley Paige | Bride's Shoes: BHLDN | Bride's Necklace: BHLDN | Bridesmaid's Dresses: BHLDN | Groomsmen's Attire: The Black Tux rentals | Planning, Coordination, Design: Bride

Why I Didn't Use Pinterest to Plan My Wedding

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

I remember when Pinterest became popular, because it coincided roughly with the time when I first began blogging. I had dreams of becoming a Catholic fashion blogger, so Pinterest seemed like a brilliant concept to me: one convenient digital home for all of my favorite style, decor, and recipe ideas. I got to a point where I was spending hours on Pinterest each day, constantly re-pinning from other boards, checking to see who had re-pinned or liked my pins, and scouring my favorite blogs for images to pin. It became unhealthy, and once I recognized my addiction, I stopped using Pinterest cold turkey. It is a form of social media that I simply couldn’t use in moderation.

Fast forward to the summer of 2016. I was engaged and in the midst of planning a wedding within a five month time frame. Every wedding vendor I contacted asked to see Pinterest boards for examples of my aesthetic, and I think I surprised all of them when I admitted that I hadn’t actually created any Pinterest wedding boards. Even in the height of my Pinterest obsession, I had an intuition that creating a “dream wedding” board would not be good for me emotionally, nor would it be good for my eventual wedding budget.

How did I plan a wedding in five months without Pinterest? Considering the fact that I was 32 and had been to many weddings by the time I was engaged, I had a good sense for what I did and did not want in terms of flowers, a dress, reception venue, and so on. I ended up being thankful that I had broken my Pinterest habit long ago, because it made the planning process much simpler and less stressful. 

Instead of scrolling through a seemingly infinite number of ideas for centerpieces, wedding favors, dresses, hairstyles, and bouquets, I shared my initial thoughts with my vendors, and trusted them to execute things beautifully. Also, many of the wedding-related photos on Pinterest are so stylized and luxe that they are cost-prohibitive for the average bride, and can lead to sadness and jealousy--neither of which are from the Lord.

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think Pinterest is bad in and of itself, nor do I think it’s completely useless. I can be a useful tool for brides who are on the fence about what they want, or who are super crafty and want a DIY wedding, need some Spoken Bride-style inspiration for their Mass or reception, or who simply aren’t going to get sucked into the vortex of comparison and greed that can be prompted in some of us (me) by Pinterest. 

But if you’re like me, and Pinterest is more of an occasion for sin than it is a helpful tool, consider either scaling back on your Pinterest time or not using it at all, and focus on working directly with your vendors to design the various aspects of your wedding. You may find that wedding planning is much less stressful this way, and that it will still be beautiful, because it will be a reflection of the love of Christ present in you and your future husband’s relationship.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments: did you use Pinterest when planning your wedding? Did you choose not to? Please share! 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Our Best of 2017

Thanks to the beautiful vulnerability and generosity of spirit given by each of you in the Spoken Bride community, it’s been our honor to share such precious parts of your hearts, and ours, in 2017. Here, as we close this year, a look back at our featured love stories and a collection of our favorite posts.

As you plan your nuptial liturgy

• Guidelines and suggested wording for your wedding program
• An introduction to the Byzantine Rite of Marriage
• Writing your own Prayers of the Faithful

Practical and spiritual wedding planning tips

• 3 first steps to take after getting engaged
• A non-typical, yet incredibly effective, system for planning and organization 
• Distinctively Catholic ways to commemorate the dead at your Mass and reception 
• Questions to consider as you decide whether or not to have a First Look 
• Why pre-marital counseling might be a better fit for you than you thought

Prayer

• How to create your own wedding novena
• How to pray with your beloved when you have different habits and spiritualities

If you’re in need of encouragement

• You are more than your imperfections.
•  Struggling with chastity? You’re not alone…
•  ...and these practices might help you in your struggle.
• Ways to grow in friendship with your spouse when romantic emotion comes and goes
• Living in the longing
• Advice for finding comfort amidst fear of losing your beloved

As you plan your honeymoon

• Real talk about your wedding night, no matter where you’ve been
• Tips for a Roman honeymoon and having your marriage blessed by the Pope
• The joys and challenges of a “honeymoon baby”
• The editors share their favorite unexpected, yet essential, traveling items

You are a bride, a beloved. Cherish this sacred time.

• This is the essence of being a bride.
• A professional tutorial on doing your own wedding-day makeup
• How to give yourself permission to be surprised
• You are a bride always--even if you no longer feel like one after your wedding day.

Our Best Nine, According to Instagram

L-R Clockwise: Laurel Creative, Rae & Michael Photography, Elissa Voss Photography, Mary Katherine Photography, Leah Muse Photography, L'Osservatore Romano Photography, Sweetness & hope Mamas, Du Castel Photography, Jenn HarkleRoad Photography

From us to you, thank you for taking part in Spoken Bride's ministry, whether through your social media interaction, your submissions, your patronage of our Catholic wedding vendors, or simply through having clicked over to the site. All glory and thanks to the one whose hand has guided this mission and brought you here. We sincerely hope the words and images you've found here have been a source of authenticity and beauty in your heart, your spiritual life, and your relationship. Be assured of our prayers as we, like you, strive for heaven in this vocation of marriage. We’re grateful and eager to continue serving you and sharing in sisterhood in 2018!

Christina + Kristian | Austin Christmas Wedding

As our Associate Editor Christina Jaloway and her husband Kristian celebrate their first anniversary this Christmas season, we're overjoyed to share their wedding day with you!

Revisit Christina and Kristians' testimony and proposal here, then read on for the story of their Christmas season wedding, with beautifully rustic seasonal touches.

Christina and Kristian had a whirlwind courtship that began when Christina's mom met Kristian after Mass on January 31, 2016 and "introduced" them to each other via Facebook. A week later, Kristian flew from Austin, TX (Christina's hometown) to Phoenix, AZ (where Christina was living at the time) to take her on their first date. From almost the beginning of their relationship, both Christina and Kristian had the sense that the other was "the one", but they both felt the need to be prudent. When you're 32 and 40, prudence looks like waiting a few months before deciding to live in the same city and seriously discern marriage. Christina moved back home to Texas in May, Kristian proposed in July, and the couple were married on December 29, 2016--less than a year after they first met.

In Christina’s words: Our nuptial Mass was heavenly. From the moment I heard the preludes begin, I had total peace about entering into the sacrament of marriage with Kristian. As I walked down the aisle to "O Come All Ye Faithful," I had to hold back my tears; I was surrounded by family and friends who had loved and supported Kristian and me throughout our lives. My dad and I tried to keep our pace on the slow side so that I could take it all in, and I did. Kristian was beaming at me as my dad handed me off, and it locking eyes with him at that moment was surreal, to say the least.

I thought my joy was full at that point, but the Lord seemed to expand my heart as the Mass progressed: through the readings (read by our dads), which we had so carefully chosen, the beautiful music, and the gorgeous neo-Byzantine chapel with Christ the Teacher gazing down on us from above. By the time we got to the vows, I was overflowing with the deepest joy and gratitude I'd ever known. I'll never forget pledging my love for Kristian while holding the crucifix, and hearing him do the same for me. I'll cherish the memory of bringing flowers in honor of the Blessed Mother to the Nativity Scene and chanting the Salve Regina with what sounded like the entire congregation joining in.

Before we processed out of the chapel, Kristian and I paused and faced our friends and family as we sang "O God Beyond All Praising" with overflowing hearts. I could hardly believe that after so many years of praying and hoping and crying and waiting that I was finally united to the man who would help me get to heaven. My tears began to flow, but they were the most joyful tears of my life.

Later, at the reception, one of my aunts, who works at a Catholic church and has coordinated many wedding Masses, told me I was the happiest bride she'd ever seen. To which I replied, "How could I not be?" It took many years of single life for the Lord to bring Kristian and me together, but I can confidently say now that it was entirely worth the wait, and that the wait made that day so much sweeter and more profoundly beautiful than either of us could have imagined. I have to give major credit to our photographer for capturing the joy of the day so well: thank you, Leah!

In terms of the look of the wedding, I took advantage of the fact that we got married during the Octave of Christmas, which also happens to be my favorite time of the year, especially in Texas. Instead of picking one or two colors, I just went with rich jewel tones and gold accents, and let my bridesmaids (who are all family) pick their own dresses. The fact that they all ended up wearing long dresses in a similar shade was their doing entirely; I knew I didn’t have to worry about what the girls would pick as they all have excellent taste.  

Gretchen O’Neil and her team at Petals, ink. did a fantastic job on the florals: my bridesmaids and flower girls wore flower crowns (because...why not?) and I carried the most delicious-smelling bouquet of gardenia, ranunculus, roses, and winter greenery, wrapped with a beautiful white rosary that my sister Elisa bought for me. I also carried my deceased grandmother Flora's prayer book with me down the aisle, which all of my aunts and married cousins have also done. At the reception, I wore a wreath (also made by Gretchen) which was the perfect accent to my tulle ball gown and made me feel like queen-for-the-day.

Our beautiful and delicious cakes were designed by my brother Sean and his artistic team of bakers and decorators at Sweet Treets Bakery. The bride’s cake had three different flavors (my favorite was the almond) and was decorated in the “nearly naked” style that I prefer since I’m not a big icing person. Gretchen and Sean worked together to make the cake even more beautiful with florals and greenery. The groom's cake (a tradition in Texas) is a nod to two of Kristian's great loves (flying and the mountains), three of the places where he's lived/gone to school, and the fact that he reminds me of Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, whose famous saying was "Verso l'alto!" or, "To the heights!"

Our invitations, seating chart, programs, and table numbers were all designed as a gift by one of my former students, Jenny, who is a talented graphic designer. She spent hours working on everything so that it would all look cohesive and beautiful, and I can't thank her enough.

The wedding favors (which I don't have a full photo of) were small Rose Harrington Art Prints of one of my favorite St. Augustine quotes, "Love is the beauty of the soul." I can't recommend her beautiful work highly enough!

Although the farm-to-table food at Barr Mansion was insanely good, my two favorite parts of the reception were by far the dancing and the toasts. My family loves to dance and our wedding reception was no exception (see photographic evidence below). Kristian and I took dance lessons for a few months before the wedding so that we could do a polished waltz to "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" by Lady Antebellum. It was so much fun and a great bonding experience for both of us. The toasts, especially the Holy Spirit-inspired one given by my sister Elisa were eloquent reminders of how blessed Kristian and I are to have such incredible families.

Speaking of families: there were a lot of them at our wedding. We had over 50 children under ten in attendance, and made sure they (and their parents) had a great time by providing coloring books, supervision during dinner--courtesy of my obliging college-age cousins--lots of outdoor space, and plenty of room on the dance floor. I loved seeing my nieces playing with my friends’ kids and watching my supermom friends dance with their babies in tow. The number of children at the wedding and reception was a reminder to everyone present that one of the two purposes of marriage is the procreation of children; plus, kids make dance floors more fun!

As Kristian and I got into our getaway car and headed to our honeymoon suite at a little B&B, I had one of the lines from "O God Beyond All Praising" stuck in my head: "blessings without number, mercies without end."

From the Groom: I have never experienced such a fast Mass as at our wedding; it literally seemed to fly by. Maybe part of it was the long wait to get to that day, or maybe it was just that Christina prepared the Mass with so much attention to detail, but it seemed like everything was in fast forward. Well, everything except for the twenty-one petitions Christina wrote for the prayers of the faithful.

We got to the vows in no time. My heart was bursting with joy the entire Mass. My friends knew how long my discernment had been, and how close to the priesthood I got, but I must say that not even serving at the Papal Mass in St. Peter’s Basilica could compare to this Mass. At the end of this Mass, I would be united to the most amazing woman in the entire world for the rest of my life.

A priest buddy of mine says discernment is where your will and God’s will meet. For me, that happened when I met Christina Grace. There we were, less than a year after our first meeting, standing before the Church, with several priest friends, with our parents and siblings and buddies and everybody else--all knowing full well what was going to happen that night--saying with their presence that this is good. God is good and he loves us so much, and we could feel it as he looked down from heaven and from the altar upon us, his little children. He continues to look down from the crucifix that hangs on the wall as I write this, with Christina snuggled up next to me on the couch. God’s will is mysterious, because she is a woman (dolcemente complicata or "sweetly complicated" as the Italians say), but it is so beautiful.

Advice from Christina: I don't think Kristian and I would have had such a blessed wedding day had we not prepared so much for our marriage through prayer, reading, tough conversations, and counseling--but especially prayer. During our engagement, we prayed every night, out loud, and extemporaneously. I think it makes a big difference in your relationship with Christ and with each other if you speak to the Lord together without the comfort of memorized prayers (those have their place, of course).

The fruit of this kind of prayer became clear to me at our pre-rehearsal Holy Hour: all I could pray the entire time was, "thank you, Jesus." Because despite the stress of engagement and wedding planning, I had complete peace about marrying Kristian. Kristian and I also met before the Mass in the confessional (so we wouldn't see each other) and prayed together, which I highly recommend. Prayer is the foundation of the spiritual life, and praying with your fiancé or spouse builds intimacy in a way that nothing else does.

Photographer: Leah Muse Photography  | Church: St. Louis King of France Catholic Church  | Reception & Catering: Barr Mansion | Flowers: Petals, ink.  | Dress: Second Summer Bride | Cakes: Sweet Treets  | Lighting: Ilios Lighting Design  | Alcohol: Trader Joe's  | Bridal party hair: Blo Blow Dry Bar| Programs and seating chart: Designed by a friend, printed by Miller Printing  | Invitations and table numbers: Designed by a friend, printed by Paper Place | Wedding Favors: HatchPrints | Band: Jumpstart