Editors Share | Advent + Christmas Traditions in Marriage

The Advent and Christmas seasons in the Church are rich in tradition and customs and every family has their own unique ways of celebrating and observing these liturgical seasons. 

Today, members of the Spoken Bride team share some of the holiday traditions they brought into their marriages and the new traditions they are cultivating with their husbands and children. 

Jessica Jones, Contributing Writer

This year, my husband and I are trying to remember Advent as a time of prayer by incorporating the Rosary together into our lives more frequently! Can’t say we’ve been super successful, but hey, we’re trying! We plan also to steal a friend’s tradition of putting the tree up on Saint Nicholas Day. 

Most of our other ideas so far are food related: we want to do the Feast of the Seven Fishes on Christmas Eve (a tradition I’d like to resurrect from my Italian side) before Midnight Mass, and we’ll make my family’s traditional lasagna for Christmas dinner. I also may try to make a pitta ‘mpigliata, a Calabrian Christmas pastry that my relatives used to make.

Andi Compton, Co-Founder & Business Director

I brought zero Advent traditions into our marriage, I didn’t even start going to Christmas Mass until we were engaged because I didn’t realize it was a Holy Day of Obligation.  I grew up celebrating Noche Buena on Christmas Eve and having a low key Christmas Day.

Now on Advent evenings we dim the lights, sing a verse of “O Come O Come Emmanuel” while we light the candles on the Advent wreath, say a little prayer, and then read the scripture for our Jesse Tree ornament. 

Stockings are filled for St. Nicholas Day, one of our daughters dresses up for St. Lucy’s day and makes hot cocoa (this is usually when we put up outdoor lights), and we have Mexican food for the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. 

We usually do a family gathering on the 24th, then Christmas morning Mass followed by presents and brunch. No present opening until after Mass! Then Los Reyes bring oranges for their shoes and little trinkets on Epiphany. There’s also some Elf on the Shelf thrown in there (we’re up to three elves!)

Catherine Boizelle, Community Manager

I brought the classic tradition of praying and lighting candles on the advent wreath daily—my husband is a convert so this is all new to him! This year we’ve chosen Blessed is She’s advent devotional Maranatha and have been getting up early to pray with our morning coffee at the kitchen table. While not really a tradition, we are trying to attend daily mass together twice a week as well. 

Stephanie Calis, Founder and Editor in Chief

My husband and I have prayed the St Andrew novena for the past 6 or 7 years during Advent, and it is truly amazing to see the big things the Lord can do when we come to him and to Our Lady in complete humility and confidence. More recently, we’ve started having candlelight dinners during the Advent season, which has been really special for our kids. And we always listen to the same album, Bebo Norman’s Christmas from the Realms of Glory, on our drive to Christmas Eve with extended family. The opening song signals the start of Christmas for us—I highly recommend choosing a particular album or playlist as a foundation for your own family’s season!

Dominika Ramos, Contributing Writer

I came into marriage with so many ideas and have had to tone down my enthusiasm after the reality (exhaustion) of kids hit me. We light the advent wreath at dinner, or more often breakfast with the kids on weekdays. 

We put shoes out for oranges and chocolate coins from St. Nicholas on December 6th which is something I grew up with, but I've added the kids getting a Christmas book from St. Nicholas to add to our collection every year. This year I ordered St. Nicholas postcards to write the kids notes from St. Nicholas a la Tolkien letters from Father Christmas style. We'll see if I keep it up.

This year I'm having the kids memorize a poem and carol to share with our family and as a gift for baby Jesus on Christmas day. I'm trying really hard to find a way to avoid the focus of Christmas morning being just the stuff.

My sister usually makes a crazy good seven fish stew for Christmas Eve. We listen to Sufjan Stevens “O Holy Night” and Benjamin Britten's “Ceremony of Carols” on the way to midnight Mass. 

Our whole family comes over Christmas morning and I make biscuits and gravy and my sister brings to-die-for coffee iced cinnamon rolls. Then we go over to my parents in the evening for a traditional Slovak dinner.

Editors Share | At-Home Date Nights

Planning a date night is a wonderful way to reconnect and spend some quality time with your spouse or fiance. And especially in this time of pandemic, at-home date nights have become more important than ever. 

Today, members of the Spoken Bride team share their favorite date ideas for a night in. 

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Andi Compton, Director of Business Development

Exercise together. We put in a workout or go on a run/bike ride. 

Maria Luetkemeyer, Twitter Manager

We get take-out sushi, then sit in the living room and pray the rosary aloud, reading the Scriptures from the corresponding mysteries between. Then we play Scrabble or watch a movie from an ongoing list we have of movies we’ve never seen before.

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

My husband and I loving playing a geeky board game together! Think a fantasy-kill-all-the-monsters-complete-the-quest type of game. This is usually paired with a couple of mixed drinks he makes with his bartender set—it’s one of his hobbies. 

After that, we’ll end the night reading out loud to each other (our current read is Tolkien’s The Fellowship of the Ring) or watch the next episode of Merlin, a BBC show based on the legends of King Arthur. 

Jessica Jones, Contributing Writer

Pat and I have been learning to cook together--we make a recipe from Julia Child, Alison Roman (Nothing Fancy), or Deb Perelman (of Smitten Kitchen fame), and see if we can pull off making something we’ve never done before! And there must be at least one bottle of wine involved. 

For those who are budget conscious, it’s a great way to make new dishes that are both relatively simple to cook, inexpensive, and unique. 

Dominika Ramos, Contributing Writer

We do choose-your-own-adventure board games. We also read aloud or memorize poems together. We used to live right next door to a Trader Joe’s and would try new snacks from there every Friday night. 

Emily Brown, Podcast Manager

We love playing Trivial pursuit, swimming together, and doing rosary walks on the beach (we live five minutes away). We’ve also taken to watching movies we haven’t seen before and discussing afterwards.

Corinne Gannotti, Contributing Writer

Lately we’ve been ordering takeout from local spots, then just talking for a while and playing the ever classic Mario Kart for some racing duels. 

Rhady Taveras, Vendor Coordinator and Newsletter Manager

We live in Downtown Philadelphia and our building has a rooftop with a beautiful view of the city. We’ve often gone up there to do the rosary, and lately we’ve been going up there with our picnic blanket and a bottle of wine to play a card game called Skip-Bo. Winner usually gets breakfast in bed the next day. 

Editors Share | Choosing One Method of NFP in Different Seasons of Life

It’s our privilege to be invited into your story and vocation. In gratitude, we love to share our stories with you, as well. Today, the team shares about the factors and discernment that influenced which method of NFP they have chosen to practice.

For additional information, this post shares a more in-depth discussion on the different methods of Natural Family Planning.

PHOTOGRAPHY: CLAIRE WATSON PHOTOGRAPHY

Theresa Namenye, Contributing Writer

During marriage preparation, I learned about the Creighton Model of NFP. My cycles are extremely easy to track, so we did not have to be super diligent in order to effectively navigate my fertility for the first year of marriage. Now, being pregnant and/or breastfeeding, my body’s pattern seems to return to fertility after my baby is a year old, so we have not had to track for a while and would like our children to be spaced according to the return of my fertility. 

Gen Allen, Contributing Writer

We learned the Creighton Model of NFP during our engagement, but it taught me so much about my cycles that I wish I had learned it years before. In this season of life, we have transitioned to the Marquette method for ease of use while postpartum and breastfeeding. Marquette feels more objective to me, but I still use a lot of what I learned from Creighton to listen to what my body is telling me. 

Andi Compton, Business Director

We learned the Billings method when we were preparing to get married. We have used it loosely on and off as needed the past 13 years. At the time, the only teacher we knew of was a Protestant woman who lived near my husband and taught at a nearby parish—50 miles away from me.

Knowing my cycle has helped me figure out when my anxiety peaks and actually helped me save our 3rd daughter. My cycle was a hair off so I called my NaPro doctor. She had me immediately come in for a blood test to confirm pregnancy and got me started on progesterone to maintain the pregnancy. 

Eventually we switched to the Marquette method. Now have five children and have gained knowledge, experience, and trust in God over the years through NFP. We are currently using the Billings method again—paired with Apple Health for tracking—for simplicity in this season of our lives.

Bridget Busacker, Contributing Writer

I started charting my fertility in college and learned more about the specifics of NFP when I was engaged. I heard from my mom and married friends that it’s normal to change methods depending on lifestyle and season of life, so this took a lot of pressure off of us to find the “perfect method” for our marriage.

We started with the sympto-thermal method and now, being postpartum, we switched to a hormonal-only method. This switch to a new method was due to my hormonal shifts and breastfeeding, so we could accurately identify the return of my fertility and I could better understand my own body given so many changes that have occurred since having a baby.

I have loved charting my fertility because I am so much more in tune with my hormonal shifts and the ways it impacts me physically and emotionally. I’m also able to ask my doctor and practitioner specific questions about my health and point to trends that I notice with my emotional and physical health, that I would otherwise not pay attention to. Charting can be challenging and it can be difficult to learn a new method, but it has absolutely been worth it for my own health journey and detecting underlying hormonal challenges that have been addressed because of charting! 

Editors Share | Accessories that Made our Wedding Attire Complete

It’s our privilege to be invited into your story and vocation. In gratitude, we love to share our stories with you, as well. Today, the team shares about bridal accessories that served as unique ways to personalize their wedding attire.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MATTSON PHOTOGRAPHY

Jizo Zito, Co-Founder and Creative Director

My accessories were fairly simple, mostly due to budget. Since Etsy and the like were not yet in existence, I bought a mantilla off eBay for $30. My earrings and bracelet came from my mother. While the bracelet was new, the earrings were from her wedding day. I also purchased “dressy” sandals on a budget, but then I wore my old ballroom shoes for the wedding reception for my swing-dancing husband. 

Theresa Namenye, Contributing Writer

I am a super minimalistic person when it comes to accessories. I got my wedding dress on ModCloth for $200. I bought some pearl earrings at a thrift store for $5 and I wore a pair of dress sandals that I already had. I wanted my look to represent who I was in real life! I’m not fancy or formal, so comfort and ease were important for me to feel beautiful and truly myself on my wedding day. 

Kat Finney, Contributing Writer

One of my favorite accessories was a “going away outfit,” solely used for the last 10-15 minutes of the reception.  My parents have a stunning picture from their wedding day of them in their “going away outfits,” and it’s one of my favorite pictures of them. I thought it would be fun for my husband and I do our own take on the going away outfit. I got a birdcage veil, a lace cocktail dress, and some pale blue pumps, and we danced out of our reception to the limo in these outfits. It was a fun way to carry on the tradition my parents and their parents started.

Andi Compton, Business Director

I knew I wanted a tiara and cathedral length veil for the ceremony, and when I went in to purchase it I ended up trying on a blusher and loving it. The tiara and blusher have become heirlooms for our family as our daughters use them for their First Communion.

For the ceremony I also wore a crucifix that I still use daily, and has now been touched to relics from all over the globe and is one of my favorite treasures. At the reception, I swapped my tiara for a jewel encrusted comb and my crucifix for a sparkly necklace (which I’ve since lost!). My shoes felt like sparkly Cinderella stilettos and were so comfy I barely wore the accessory I was looking forward to the most: my jeweled jellies! 90’s kids will know what I’m talking about.

Bridget Busacker, Contributing Writer

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to wear for my wedding jewelry or what I wanted to give to my bridesmaids either, but it was quickly figured out by the generosity of one of my bridesmaid’s moms! She had recently been to the Philippines to visit family and she brought back jewelry sets for all the bridesmaids to wear (earrings & necklaces) of beautiful faux pearls.

I was stunned by such a generous gift and it was perfect! It was such a joy to not only gift my bridesmaids jewelry on our small budget, but to have the added sentiment that it came from the thoughtfulness of a wonderful woman in my life.

My aunt and mom also gave me my great grandmother’s pearl necklace to wear, which my grandpa had given her as a gift while he was fighting in the Korean War. I treasured wearing the strand of pearls, thinking about the beautiful women in my life who wore it and the great sentiment it had. The jewelry from our wedding day was such a sweet surprise and it was so wonderful to wear a family heirloom—it felt like having generations of women in my family close to me and praying for me!

Editors Share | How I Shaped My Wedding Budget

It is no surprise that wedding planning on a budget requires a careful balance of priorities, values, and dreams. Today, the Spoken Bride team shares their personal experiences of managing that balance.

For additional reflections on wedding planning on a budget, continue reading about Balancing Materialism and Majesty in your Wedding Plans or Planning your Dream Wedding without Breaking the Bank.

PHOTOGRAPHY: HORN PHOTOGRAPHY

Stephanie Calis, Editor-in-Chief

A bridal magazine suggested my husband-to-be and I each list our top three priorities for our wedding day, in order to identify where we’d be comfortable spending more of our budget. We both chose the liturgy and photography as the first two items on our lists! My husband also listed music as a top priority, and I listed colors (for wedding party attire, florals, and décor). 

Though its usefulness sounds obvious, this exercise was far more helpful than we expected. Knowing one another’s priorities motivated my husband and I to stay on budget for our wedding expenses and to worry less about items that weren’t as important to us. We felt motivated and centered knowing that even if it was painful to forego certain things, we were investing in other things that we truly valued--I’ve found it true that what we valued most, we’ve remembered most.

Andi Compton, Business Director

I always encourage couples to rank their priorities. For us, photography and videography were our biggest must-haves for our parents and children. Then came the dress and our invitations (I’m obsessed with paper goods). No matter what your budget is, you won’t end up with everything you want.

Jiza Zito, Creative Director

When planning our wedding, my thought was always “What will people really remember?” By asking myself that often, it gave myself permission to let a lot of things go such as type of flowers, aesthetics of our invitation suite, or small details of my dress. Financially, we top-prioritized delicious food, good & clean reception music, and wedding photography. 

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

My husband and I planned our wedding in four months—which was only possible with the help of my sister, our wedding planner. We wanted to be intentional about our wedding guests’ experiences: that non-Catholics would feel welcome and comfortable during the wedding Mass, and that everyone would come together to celebrate and mingle at the reception. These intentions shifted our emphasis, and our budget, to think about the environment.

With my sisters encouragement to pursue our experiential goals, we spent a substantial portion of our budget on designing and printing the Mass program, paying for lighting features to help set the mood at our reception, and enhancing both the ceremony and the reception with beautiful floral arrangements. Lighting and additional flowers were a surprising expense with major impact.

We made sacrifices in other areas of our planning to stay on budget, but our choices aligned with our desires and yielded an unbelievable outcome.

Editors Share | Professional Resources to Support Your Marriage

The challenges and circumstances in our lives can push us to our limits of virtue. In certain seasons, you may feel called to seek professional support as a source of encouragement and clarity for personal growth and/or in the ongoing relationship with your spouse. God has empowered professionals with gifts and strengths to support mental health and marriage; receiving their gifts to strengthen our lives is receiving a gift from God.

Today, the Spoken Bride team shares some of their own experiences with professional resources that provide support in their own lives.

PHOTOGRAPHY: VISUAL GRACE

Andi Compton, Business Director

We have used Holy Family Counseling via phone which has been fantastic for us. Not having childcare, whenever we have a session we either do it when the kids are at school, or put a movie on for them and do the session in our room. It allows us some anonymity too, which we appreciate. Counseling has helped us heal some very deep wounds. 

Jiza Zito, Co-Founder and Creative Director

Throughout my engagement, I was working as an intern at the Theology of the Body Institute in Exton, PA. Being fully immersed in St. John Paul II’s rich teachings on the true meaning of our bodies, life, and creation on a daily basis profoundly impacted me. The theology of the body has personally brought a great deal of healing while at the same time answered many of my own questions on “the meaning of the whole of existence, the meaning of life” (TOB 46:6).

Whenever my then-fiancé-now-husband was able to permit some time in his schedule, we would attend the various events and courses that were being offered together. The seeds that were planted in our hearts through the theology of the body have certainly bore fruit throughout our life as a married couple and continue to do so as time passes. 

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

My husband and I have never sought professional help or spiritual direction, but that doesn’t mean we never will. In fact, I have kept my heart quite open to it as we anticipate the coming arrival of our first child and a lot of military-related separations in our near future. 

Growing up, I had the mentality that couples who went to counseling were those whose marriages were falling apart or were going through major life crises, because that was the stereotype I saw in the media. Although that can be true in many cases, I now understand the major benefit that can come from marriage and family counseling even for couples who are “fine.” We don’t have to learn healthier habits only after a problem arises.

Life’s inevitable changes will always have an effect—good, bad, or a complex mixture of both—on a marriage. Even those marriages who strive to keep their foundation rooted in Christ. Whether or not you have already attended counseling or spiritual direction with your spouse, keep an open heart and mind! God has given us spiritual and psychological resources to keep our souls and our hearts healthy.

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

As a child, my family participated in Catholic family counseling to help us build stronger communication and conflict resolution skills. Fast forward nearly 20 years, and my parents have founded a nonprofit focused on supporting the family through professional counseling and education.

Now, as a wife and soon-to-be-mother, I desire to pursue some form of professional or spiritual direction to continue guiding my self-awareness, emotional literacy, and communication with my own young family. This desire is an ongoing prayer, and one I trust God will provide an answer to when the time—and opportunity—is right. I believe that pursuing professional support for personal growth requires a discernment process in order to ready the heart and to collaborate with the right means of support in a specific season of life.

Editors Share | How I Chose My Wedding Gown + Theme

It’s our privilege to be invited into your story and vocation. In gratitude, we love to share ours with you, as well. Today, for any bride just beginning the wedding planning process, the team shares the stories of how they chose their wedding gowns and an overall theme for their big days.

Photography: Sarah Wirth Photography

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

Planning a winter wedding in Arizona is beautiful. When I woke up on my wedding day, the weather outside was sunny and in the 70s. But what I really loved about our date, December 30, (although I didn’t love the idea of a winter wedding at first), is that it was during the octave of Christmas! That meant the church would already be decorated with beautiful trees, greens, and florals. The Christmas “stress” would already be over for most of our guests, yet the joy of the liturgical season would still remain. And within the following couple days, we could celebrate our newlywed joy with the start of a new year.

Once I let go of the summer wedding I thought I wanted, I fully embraced the joy of the Christmas season. I chose colors for our theme that were more wintry than Christmas-y: navy blues, emerald greens, maroon, and gold as an accent. I incorporated beautiful wintergreens, berries, and gold stems into the bouquets for me and my bridesmaids. I realized that my favorite Christmas hymns could be incorporated into my nuptial Mass as well, if I wanted. 

Read Mariah’s planning tips for a Christmas Octave wedding.

For my wedding dress, I chose dainty cap sleeves and a very full A-line skirt that looked more like a ballgown, with a cathedral length veil that trailed far behind me in elegant lace. A sweetheart/illusion lace neckline lined with pearls completed the look. What other day of your life can you dress in princess attire? And I loved getting married during the mild coolness of an Arizona winter, instead of sweating it out in the 120 degree summer!

Mary Wilmot, Social Media Manager

We got married in August in Houston, so we definitely had to make choices that would be practical in the heat. I am Filipino on my mother’s side, so my husband opted for traditional barongs instead of suits. These shirts are formal in Filipino culture and way more breathable in hot, humid temperatures than suits or tuxes.

Our anniversary is also the day before my parents’, so that reflected a few decisions, as well. My bridesmaids wore pale yellow dresses, like my mom’s did, which I felt was fitting and fun for summer. I also always knew I wanted to wear my mother’s wedding dress, which was still in great shape. Surprisingly, it didn’t even need alterations, so I just had it cleaned by a local wonderful seamstress. 

I made the dress my own by choosing unique accessories. The dress is ivory and has spaghetti straps, so after quite a bit of hunting online with no luck, I finally found a perfect bolero at the local David’s Bridal. I definitely felt it completed my bridal look for Mass.

My favorite part of my wedding attire was my veil. I stumbled upon the perfect lace-edged veil at a bridal shop while on pilgrimage in Lisieux, France during my engagement. I have a strong devotion to Saint Thérese and also knew St. Zélie, her mother, was a lacemaker. My now-husband and I were long distance at the time while I finished grad school up in Europe, and for me, that felt like a special sign that the Lord was guiding us, along with some powerful intercessors, while we prepared for marriage. I also wore silver glittery heels (purchased on a layover in London at Heathrow airport—another fun story!), along with an ivory fascinator from BHLDN during our reception. 

Stephanie Calis, Co-Founder & Editor in Chief

As a born-and-bred Marylander, I’ve always been drawn to classic, preppy styles and bright colors. For our July wedding, I hoped for a casual and summery vibe, choosing navy, pink, and green for décor, florals, stationery, and wedding party attire.

I wanted a gown that reflected the lightness of the season, as well; an unfussy style I’d look back on and think of as timeless. I loved ballgown-style dresses and didn’t want a train or beading, but struggled to find the clean, unembellished look I hoped for. Ultimately, I found a USA-made line of simple styles available in a variety of fabrics, and chose a strapless ballgown with a bow sash in textured slub silk.

Andi Compton, Business Director

By the time I was 15 I had planned several weddings (I even had a binder like Monica from Friends—she gets me!), so when I got to finally set things in motion for myself, I was thrilled! My family throws big, formal weddings and my favorite colors are black and white, so we went with those, with silver as an accent. As far as décor, I just wanted over the top white florals. All my husband Matt said was, “No pink, and I’m wearing my own dress shoes.”

We had already decided to get married several months before Matt proposed, so when I visited Houston with my parents we went to the Priscilla of Boston shop I had been dreaming of since I was a teen. I tried on a giant ball gown with tulle, silk, and tons of beadwork and both my parents said it was what they’d always pictured for me, but we didn’t buy it since we didn’t have a date yet.

Fast forward to when I began working at a bridal store with my friend, and the same dress was on display when we walked in for our first day. She told me it was my dress, but I wasn’t sold yet. After a few months of modeling wedding gowns at the store I had tried on over 50 dresses, so I knew what I wanted: my giant beaded ball gown. It just needed a tulle bolero to be ready for Mass, cathedral length veil, and a tiara. 

Carissa Pluta, Editor at Large

I don’t think we really had a “theme” for our wedding. Getting married on Long Island, where my family is from, we couldn’t really have the simple wedding we wanted—Long Island weddings tend to be extravagant. So we made a lot of decisions about colors, flowers, stationery, and décor based on our desire to make sure our own personalities weren’t lost in the planning. For example, we chose sky blue and yellow as our colors because it was my favorite combination.

As for my dress, I wanted something timeless and elegant. My mom and I went looking at a small bridal boutique; the attendant there took my vision and immediately pulled the perfect dress off the rack. It was a cap-sleeved fit-and-flare dress, perfect for a May wedding. When I tried it on, I felt beautiful and so much like myself. 

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

In truth, I was not much of a wedding daydreamer at any point in my childhood or engagement! I was eager to be married, but empowered my sister, an experienced event planner, to make many of the wedding planning decisions.

Shopping for a wedding dress was a spontaneous activity one afternoon with a friend. I had set a budget, but had no idea what I wanted. I was intimidated by the process and grateful to follow my friend’s exuberant enthusiasm. The professionals at the dress boutique were amazing and kind; they quickly helped me build a vision for my wedding dress. 

After trying on a few dresses, I knew I wanted something feminine, simple, and modest. Most importantly, I wanted to feel confident and beautiful. With those qualities in mind, I went back to the third dress I’d tried on and called it mine! I FaceTimed my parents, sister, godmother, and future mother-in-law to include them in the final decision before I said yes. 

I walked out of the store that day with my dress, a lace-trimmed Cathedral veil, a simple bridal veil and a thin belt--all under budget. The ease of this process was absolutely an answered prayer.

Danielle Rother, Pinterest Manager

As a life-long Disney enthusiast, I always hoped my wedding dress would not only be the most beautiful dress I’d ever wear. I also dreamt this dress would make me feel like a princess. The dress I chose certainly did not let me down!

While we didn’t have a particular theme for our wedding, I was greatly inspired by the live-action Cinderella movie starring Lily James. Inspired by the film, I knew I wanted a ballgown-style wedding dress similar to the sparkly blue gown Cinderella wore in the movie. I wanted something elegant, timeless, romantic, and—of course—magical! 

After a long search, I finally found the perfect dress at Raffiné Bridal. It was a pure white ballgown with a multi-layered tulle skirt, designed by Stella York. It had a sweetheart neckline and was overlaid with lace at the top, which added the perfect modest touch for our Latin Mass wedding.

Planning a nuptial Mass in the Extraordinary Form? Looking for fairytale-style inspiration? See Danielle and her husband Jeff’s wedding feature here.

For a more traditional look, I chose a cathedral-length veil, made by my mother-in-law, and a crystal necklace, earrings, and a jeweled comb. I also had the seamstress (aka fairy-godmother!) replace the jeweled appliqué around the waist for a crystal belt. Just by altering that little part truly made it for the wedding dress of my dreams! For a day I literally felt like Cinderella. And though the magic has since worn away (not all the magic—I still have the shoes), I am more blessed because of that day and so thankful to Our Lady and Our Lord for making my dreams a reality.

Editors Share | Strategies for Gift-Giving

Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and acts of love; store-bought, homemade, experiential and meaningful—there are so many opportunities and strategies surrounding gift-giving. What traditions do you and your spouse have in giving and receiving gifts?

With the holiday season around the corner, the Spoken Bride team reflects on different approaches they have used for reciprocal gift-giving with their spouse and family. We hope our reflections affirm there is no right or wrong way to offer an act of love.

We would love to hear your approach to gifting! Share your personal reflections with our community on Facebook and Instagram.

Andi Compton, Business Manager

We don’t really have any traditions for gift giving, it usually depends on the budget and what we need. In the early years we had a strict budget for $50 per gift (for each other), but now we just have one big gift budget for us, the kids, and family that we play around with. For birthdays we tend to do outings, using Groupon whenever possible. Matt got me a nighttime kayaking trip to watch the fireworks in the harbor for my birthday and it was a lot of fun. We ended up doing a big family trip for our 10th anniversary that we hadn’t really planned on, but everything came together and the kids are begging to do it again. Lately we’ve been replacing things for our anniversary: last year it was a new blender and vacuum, this year he got me a new showerhead and I got him a cast iron griddle and a spice for when he makes apple pie (it’s the gift that keeps on giving.) And we’re going to try another cooking class together! 

I buy all the Christmas presents except my own, so Matt usually goes all out and gets me something I wouldn’t normally by myself such as new pajamas, a peacoat or boots. It really helps that I keep a detailed spreadsheet of gifts and outings from the entire Advent and Christmas season because it can be so hard to remember that we need a little gift from Santa for our Christmas party, St. Nicholas gifts, Christmas gifts, and gifts from the wise men all times 5 for our children. Plus extended family gifts! 

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

My husband and I are still building traditions surrounding holidays and celebrations as we continue to establish our budget, our love languages, and our desires for exchanging gifts or sharing experiences. For our most recent first wedding anniversary, we debated sticking with the traditional “paper” gift, leaving it open-ended, or allocating money to take a weekend vacation together. In the end, we did a mix of all three. He brainstormed a weekend getaway and I offered him a gift to start a new hobby (involving paper!). 

We don’t have a set plan for gift-giving yet, and that’s okay (I still appreciate the spontaneity and flexibility depending on the year and our budget)! As we prepare to celebrate various holidays in this season of life before children, I enjoy having conversations with my husband about the traditions we want to establish and why, with the hopes they will continue--and expand--as our family grows. 

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

My husband and I are less than 2 years married, so we haven’t built any strong gift-giving traditions--but I have learned to be okay with that! For our first anniversary, he surprised me with a 24-hour romantic getaway to the Grand Canyon, and I bought him a few small gifts I thought he would find useful. At first I thought my little wrapped presents paled embarrassingly in comparison with his surprise trip, but he loved each one because I had taken the time to think of his needs.

One of my favorite things to buy my husband for birthdays and holidays are Groupons. We’ve done horseback riding, boat rides with dinner, and more. In fact, he was so in love with an online barista/bartending course I bought him (for $2!), that he started pursuing mixing drinks as a serious hobby. He’s steadily learning all the different kinds of liqueur, has a nice bar set, and a thick bar book with recipes and inspiration. Plus, I’ve gotten a lot of tasty, fancy free drinks in the process! 

Danielle Rother, Pinterest Manager

I think spousal gift-giving can be somewhat challenging at times, especially as a wife. I just think, in general, that buying gifts for men is more difficult than buying gifts for women. For my sister or other girl friends I can easily think of cute feminine products that are not too expensive that women always love — such as bath bombs, makeup brushes, eye shadow, earrings, scented body lotion, perfume, candles, etc. Unfortunately, there really isn’t a male equivalent to some of these easy, affordable, staple gift items.

Luckily, my husband has an active Amazon.com wish list that he keeps up to date and I frequently refer to it when buying a gift for him for his birthday, our anniversary, a Christmas gift, etc. Currently, my husband has been interested in a book series that is 8 volumes called Sacrae Theologiae Summa. Since I know he is interested in collecting the whole series sometimes I will get him one of those books as a gift for his birthday or another occasion.

But many times, instead of buying a physical item as a gift, we will also use our money to have fun experiences together. One year, for St. Valentine’s Day, I got my husband concert tickets to see Eric Whitacre and it was an experience both of us thoroughly enjoyed! Earlier this year we went to see a Jim Gaffigan comedy special and we are also planning to take a trip to Walt Disney World in January 2020 as our wedding anniversary gift to each other. Many times, I prefer the shared experiences together — which turn into lasting memories we can fondly look back on.

Editors Share | Hobby Ideas for Couples

It’s our privilege to be invited into your story and vocation. In gratitude, we love to share ours with you, as well. Today, the team shares the leisure activities and hobbies they enjoy with their spouses.

Photography: Madi Myers-Cook Photography

Carissa Pluta, Editor at Large

My husband and I love being outdoors, so hiking or even just going on a walk in our neighborhood has been a great way to spend time with one another. 

Recently, our activity of choice has been rock climbing. My husband got into before I did and kept asking me to come along. I was a little hesitant to try this new activity, but ended up loving it. I started asking him to go more regularly together. It’s a fun and challenging activity and gives us an opportunity to encourage each other to get better. 

We also love playing games with one another. We have a large board game collection and love spending an evening playing one, or more recently, Dungeons and Dragons. 

Stephanie Calis, Co-Founder & Editor in Chief

Gift-giving is neither mine nor my husband’s primary love language, but when I consider our favorite things to do together, they are centered around some of the most meaningful and most well-used gifts we’ve given!  

From the start of our marriage when we lived within walking distance of a rail trail, we’ve loved going on bike rides--a bicycle was my husband’s wedding gift to me--and now we continue enjoying family rides with our children.

We also love playing music together. I gave my husband a guitar when we got married, and over the years he has gotten me a ukulele (a longtime bucket-list item of mine) and keyboard (allowing me to follow up on my years of childhood piano lessons as an adult) as birthday gifts. We enjoy looking up chords to selections by musicians we love, as well as simply experimenting with melodies on our instruments and playing off each other.

Our other favorite hobby is discussing what we’re reading--we met in our college English class, after all! When we have the time, we enjoy reading the same novel together.

Andi Compton, Business Director

Ever since our dating days, my husband Matt and I have enjoyed watching movies together. Most nights we will throw on a movie or show while we work on other things; I love that we create our own inside jokes which give us excuses to laugh together during the day. 

Honestly, we are complete opposites in every way but the faith, and we tend to drag each other to things we each want to do. Matt will treat me to a musical now and then, he works on quilts with me, and I love dragging him to malls and model homes. He drags me outside on the occasional hike, to the beach, and to the park with our kids.

Lately I’ve been enjoying cooking with him when the kids are occupied with playing. He likes it much more than I do, but I like to pick the recipes, put on music, and be his sous chef.

Mary Wilmot, Social Media Manager

We enjoy going on walks and to the pool with our kids. When we have a show that we are into, we look forward to watching an episode with some fun snacks, such as stove top popcorn, ice cream, or yogurt with lots of toppings.

From time-to-time we like to indulge in an early bedtime and read side-by-side. We have recently started talking about investing in some board games to mix things up, too! We love playing games with extended family and friends, but have never gotten into it as a couple. We also love trying out new restaurants, wineries, and breweries when we can!

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

For better or worse, my husband and I are competitive. We were both athletes through college and met at a student-athlete conference; our competitive natures are ingrained in who we are! We’ve found some fun ways to keep the game day mindset alive while light-heartedly playing with (and against) each other. 

We love to take a soccer ball to a local field and play one-on-one. Bowling is definitely a favorite activity--one we did the first day we met, and on our wedding day! Game nights are perfect when we want to stay home. We especially enjoy Exploding Kittens, Settlers of Catan, and Scrabble. 

Some activities that keep us on the same team are traveling to new cities, exploring local breweries, and shopping at Ikea. 

Jiza Zito, Co-Founder & Creative Director

Three years ago, my husband started regularly working out through CrossFit. A year and a half later, I followed suit, and it has become one of the most fun parts of our marriage. We love encouraging one another and pushing each other towards personal goals week after week. This year we watched the CrossFit Games together and started reading up more on our favorite athletes and coaches. We have really come to enjoy being part of the CrossFit community. 

Our other hobbies include visiting historical sites and museums, visiting churches and shrines, tasting ethnic and local foods, and taking nature walks with our kids. 

We love sharing in community with you and hearing your own stories! Share one of you and your beloved’s favorite hobbies in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media.

Danielle Rother, Pinterest Manager

Most nights my husband and I will cuddle and put on a show or movie to unwind. I really love cuddling just before bed—sometimes it’s the highlight of my day! My primary love languages are quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation. So, I really enjoy being close and spending one-on-one time with my husband.

We also enjoy going out to eat and having intellectual conversations. One time an older couple came up to us when we were eating at Chick-Fil-A and they asked what we were studying—at the time, we actually weren’t studying anything! Both of us graduated with our master’s degrees a while ago, and we just like to nerd out and keep our minds sharp. Most of the time our conversations are on theological topics, but the subjects vary. If there is any way I can make a connection to literature, fairytales, or a Disney movie I certainly will!

Other activities we enjoy include playing board games and sightseeing. Sometimes we will invite friends or other couples over for a game night. Several of my favorite games include Ticket to Ride, Carcassonne, Lords of Waterdeep, and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: A Gemstone Mining Game. Those games are great for indoor fun! If we decide to do an outdoor activity, we might go sightseeing at the zoo or take a stroll around the park.

Editors Share | Household Responsibilities

It’s our privilege to be invited into your story and vocation. In gratitude, we love sharing ours with you, as well. Today, the team responds to a reader question about tips for and experiences with determining each spouse’s role in household responsibilities.

Carissa Pluta, Editor at Large

I feel like my husband and I were lucky to fall into a pretty natural pattern. A lot of chores we do are things that either we like to do or that made the most sense for us. My husband Ben loves to cook, and I like doing dishes, so he cooks and I clean up when it’s done. Or he does the grocery shopping while he’s out, and I do laundry, vacuuming, and other general chores when I’m home during the day.

Andi Compton, Business Director

We’ve had a lot of trial and error. For money matters, my husband handles the long term (investing, retirement savings), while I handle the short term (designating our monthly spending areas and managing our budget).

We both hate dishes, so we try to do five minutes each and then swap. I do the laundry — which he had to teach me after our honeymoon! — and delegate chores to my husband or our kids as needed. He likes to cook, so he does it whenever he can. I prefer cleaning bathrooms over cooking.

It’s all about what works at the time — having children has made us reevaluate our responsibilities often. Seasons change, for sure.

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

Our delegation of household chores reflects the combination of both our values and the logistics of our lives. We prioritize time together, a clean and orderly house, and eating dinner at home on weeknights. Since my husband works long hours and frequently travels for his job and I spend most time at home (with occasional freelance work), I take on most of the domestic responsibilities.

My thought process is if he’s working, I’m also working — even though the responsibilities and “profit” of our work look very different. But to both of our benefit, the work stops when my husband comes home and we can relax together. For matters where collaboration is essential or preferred — such as buying furniture, setting a budget, studying for a work qualification or hosting friends for an evening — we work together to fulfill the tasks at hand.

Jiza Zito, Co-Founder & Creative Director

With the travel-heavy nature of my husband’s career, I handle almost everything on the home front. On the same token, he grew up in a very traditional household, and we’ve tended to operate similarly. He does chores if and when I ask; though it might sound patriarchal, it’s the best way we maintain order.

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

I do most of our housework, but sometimes my husband will ask if there’s a chore I’d like him to do. Most of the time, it’s the dishes!

I’ve gotten into the habit of spending the first part of every morning picking up from the night before, and I always make the bed (growing up, I almost never made my bed, and now I can’t function without doing it — a quirky grace of marriage).

Last Christmas, my husband gifted me a Bluetooth headset so I could listen to podcasts hands-free while doing chores, which just shows his practical but loving ability to notice the little things.

Our method of divvying up household responsibilities works for us because I am such an organization-oriented personality, and chores can actually function as a stress reliever. To be honest, we never talked much about daily workloads before our wedding day; it just happened like that after getting married. I’m sure once we have kids I’ll need extra help more often, but I remind myself in the meantime that the stereotypical “wife handling most of the housework” is a perfectly okay way to run your household, and it gives me more opportunities to actively serve my spouse and offer little daily tasks to the Lord. After all, picking up each other’s clothes off the floor everyday is a small road to sanctity!

Mary Wilmot, Social Media Manager

I do all of our family’s laundry, and my husband does dishes most of the time--though I’ve been doing them more lately, as that’s a time when my he can spend time with the kids out of the house while I have time to myself. He cooks on evenings when he gets home first — I’m so grateful for his willingness to cook and clean! He is definitely the more organized one of us, so it helps hold me to a better standard.

Stephanie Calis, Co-Founder & Editor in Chief

Generally, my husband and I each do the chores we mind the least; I usually do laundry, and he usually does dishes. I cook most nights although he’s good at it and doesn’t mind when I ask for a break. He handles most of our financial matters.

I don’t know if we ever formally talked about it, but I’ve always liked that with us, it’s never been about particular roles for each spouse or about refusing to do tasks outside our typical “areas.” Instead, we simply try to do things without complaint and help each other when one of us is unable to do a particular job — we see it as more important that a task gets done than who does it.

Organization is an area where we differ more. I like to try and tidy up often during the day, whereas it’s less a priority for him. I think because I spend more time at home, it’s more important to me to get the mess out of the way. We try to bring up what’s important to us in household matters — clutter, scheduling appointments, grocery shopping — with charity and to give each other the benefit of the doubt when we fall short. Often, we’ve discovered that what seems like a deficiency in the other is actually rooted in a miscommunication of our expectations.

Danielle Rother, Pinterest Manager

Splitting up household chores has not always been easy for us, and at other times it has. For example, I enjoy making the bed — plus I’m usually the last one to wake up in the morning — so it makes sense that I take on the responsibility of making the bed everyday. My husband has an easier time using the vacuum to get around furniture and small corners, so that’s a chore he has chosen to do every week for our household. 

While some chores came natural to us at the beginning, there are many chores that have not had the same result and it has caused quite a bit of tension between us, at times. 

For newlyweds household responsibilities can be difficult for many couples to figure out together. After over a year and a half of marriage we are still learning a lot about each other and how to navigate these responsibilities in our daily life — and that’s okay! Communication is a huge part of running a household. I’ve learned whenever there has been a household problem it is usually not about the chore itself, but how one is communicating their expectations to the other in a particular situation. Learning effective communication strategies can make household responsibilities go over more smoothly and it creates the opportunity for you to understand your spouse and their needs better.

Editors Share | First Dance Songs

The first dance as husband and wife is often the most awaited part of a wedding reception. It is a special and romantic moment between the newlyweds and it highlights the unique personality of the couple.

In this month’s Editors Share, our team remembers their first dance and explains why they chose their song.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MEL WATSON PHOTOGRAPHY

Stephanie Calis, Co-founder & Editor in Chief

My husband and I danced to the song “You are the One” by Matt Hires, which had come on my iPod as we drove to a holy hour one night during our engagement. It’s a sweet, simple song that still brings back precious memories, but the truth is, we were too shy to set our first dance to the one we truly felt defined us! The ideal selection, for us, was “In My Arms” by Jon Foreman, the lead singer of Switchfoot. Despite our love for it we ultimately felt too shy to use such a quiet song, with such intimate lyrics, in front of all our guests. For any couples like us hesitating to choose particular reception music because of self-consciousness, I’d encourage you to communicate and discern what you’re comfortable with and to pray for a sense of freedom with the necessary attention your wedding day brings!

Andi Compton, Business Director

We chose Matt Maher’s version of “Set Me As A Seal” because we simply liked the song. I wish I had a deeper explanation, but we both just felt like it was the right song. We ended up having a dance choreographed. If you know my husband, you know that we’re complete opposites. I love to dance, he likes to not dance. But for me he was willing to take ballroom dancing lessons and perform in front of our families..

Jiza Zito, Co-Founder and Creative Director

My husband and I chose “Accidentally in Love” by Counting Crows. Mark and I had a stressful engagement since he was serving overseas with his military command, all up until a few days before the wedding, so we wanted something fun and upbeat. Mark was also an avid swing dancer during his college years at the United States Naval Academy, which we got to enjoy together a few times during our courtship, so we wanted to share that part of our relationship with our friends and family on our wedding day as well.

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

For our first dance, we moved in sync with Michale Buble’s “Hold On.” My husband suggested many ideas for our first dance song, but many focused on the beauty of the bride or the groom’s love for his bride; I was uncomfortable choosing a wedding song about the bride. This song was a great fit because it captures the essence of the mutual and reciprocal love of a married couple. The lyrics also serve as a reminder to grow in affirming physical touch in the midst of stress, frustration, sadness, and joy. Although physical touch is not my number one love language, a good hug often breaks through heavy emotional tension. As this song builds up to its finale, it reinforces the power of holding onto love in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, ‘till death do us part.

Though we both enjoy jumping around during spontaneous dance parties, neither of us are organized dancers. With that in mind, we invested in dance classes at a local studio—and loved every second. Beyond the benefits of feeling confident in our plan for our first dance, lessons were also a special opportunity to learn something new, be challenged, move our bodies and laugh together in preparation for our wedding day.

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

Our first dance song was “God Gave Me You,” the version performed by Blake Shelton. My husband and I first met when we were 14 and high school sweethearts, and we were a country couple. On our first date he drove me to dinner in his white Chevy pickup truck in blue jeans, boots, and all. Many, many years and a wedding later, we still own that truck!

When we decided to pick “our song” for our relationship (which was definitely inspired by Taylor Swift’s 2009 single by the same name — released only the year before!), we decided on two requirements: the melody needed to mention God and needed to be a country song. I suggested “God Gave Me You,” and it became the song we grew up with together, from the age of 14 to (now) 23.

A couple years before we got married, I taught my husband how to country dance, and it is now one of our favorite things to do together. So when our wedding day finally arrived, seven years after we met, we country danced to the song we fell in love to as high school freshmen.

Carissa Pluta, Editor at Large

My husband and I chose the song “God Moves Through You” by Jason Mraz for our first dance. My husband has been a Mraz fan for a long time, which is how he first heard this song; Jason Mraz actually wrote it for his sister’s wedding so it’s not on any of his albums. It’s a really beautiful song, and was adapted from a collection of poems by Kahlil Gibran.

One of my favorite lines from the song is: “Let the wind of heaven dance between you too/Allow the space and time to bring you closer to everlasting love.” The song speaks of the love between a husband and a wife being a movement of God, a grace working in your life. We also loved that it also speaks of children as a gift.

Since it isn’t on an album, our friend Steve the Missionary offered to play it on his ukulele and sing it live during our reception. It was such a memorable moment from that day.

Mary Wilmot, Social Media Manager

In the last couple weeks before our wedding, Patrick and I decided we really needed to sit down and make a decision on our first dance song. We never really had a song in the five years of our friendship/dating relationship, so we didn’t have too many ideas. One afternoon, while hanging out in my parents’ kitchen, we ended up Googling “First Dance Song Ideas” and decided to just go through the list until something resonated with us. We stumbled across “That’s How Strong My Love Is” by Otis Redding and both really liked it.

I love that it’s soulful and with a beat, but still a slow song that makes it easy to dance and sing along to. We actually ended up taking a couple of dance classes at Fred Astaire with a Groupon I had purchased. In the end, I think we just decided to sway to the music, not worrying about counting steps, but it was still fun!

I have no regrets about our choice, but funnily enough, we were just talking a couple weeks ago about our first dance. We said we probably would have picked the 1998 classic “All My Life” by K-Ci and JoJo if we had thought of it at the time!

Danielle Rother, Pinterest Manager

Our first dance was inspired by the waltz in Disney’s live-action Cinderella, where Ella greets the Prince on the dance floor in her beautiful blue ballgown for the first time. Since we wanted to dance a traditional waltz we looked through a variety of instrumental songs that had the right ¾ time signature we needed for the dance. As I was searching for songs I came across, "The Princess Diaries Waltz," by John Debney from the score of The Princess Diaries. After listening to it I knew, in my heart, it was the right song for us.

The Princess Diaries is a favorite childhood movie I watched growing up with my maternal grandmother, who passed away in 2012. One of her biggest dreams was to see me get married. While I wish she had lived longer to see me take my marriage vows, this song made me feel close to her on our special day.

Dancing a waltz at our wedding was an incredible experience and it was everything I had hoped for. Jeff and I had practiced dancing for many hours during our engagement and it certainly paid off! During the dance, I felt like I was flying and it was truly magical.

Now that we are married, I am still practicing the art of dance through life as a married couple. It may not always be as graceful as it was on our wedding day. Occasionally we may stumble. But it’s good to know that as long as we have each other we can make it through anything together.

Tasha Johnson, Administrative Assistant

A couple of years ago, I got to fly across the country to attend the wedding of two former missionary teammates of mine. I served with the husband my first year and the wife my second, so I had really gotten to know them separately, and it was such a joy to finally see them together.

Their choice of Matt Maher’s “Hold Us Together” was a perfect fit for their small, intimate wedding, because it was so evident that their love for each other was already something fruitful; it really spoke to the care they had taken to welcome all of us to share life with them throughout their courtship, and even especially in the days leading up to the wedding! It was definitely a fun song to watch them twirl and dip to, but it was even more so a reminder of the ways their relationship had already served as a shelter, both for them and for those of us who had the honor of walking through life’s storms with them. It was an absolutely beautiful theme for the first day of the rest of their lives!

Editors Share | When Expectations Meet Reality

The beauty of a wedding and joy of fulfilling a call to vocation is daydream worthy. From a young age, girls and women can often identify their ideals for the kind of man they imagine marrying, visions of their wedding day, or expectations of day-to-day married and family life.

In this month’s Editors Share, our team reflects on the dreams we had about marriage as single women, and how those expectations either changed or came to fruition after saying I do.

Photography: Horn Photography, seen in Rosie + Tyler | Fall Yacht Club Wedding

Stephanie Calis, Co-founder & Editor in Chief

During our engagement, I frequently prayed in thanksgiving that no one knew, saw, or understood me in the way my husband-to-be did, and I felt the same about him. At the time, I think we did know each other more fully than anyone else.

After our wedding, however, I started to realize how little a fullness of him I had actually known: I’d never known, for instance, how he liked to load a dishwasher, how he preferred to unwind after a stressful day, what grocery staples he liked to keep on hand. Normal adjustments to married life and significant time spent together--particularly after a long-distance engagement--sometimes made me question how well we knew one another at all.

In hindsight, I see the Holy Spirit drawing us out of self-focused habits and toward a shared life. I now consider it a great gift that even with all the trust, confidence, and admiration I had for my husband (and how well I knew him at the time) on our wedding day, the years have continually revealed new parts of him to me and we are constantly presented with opportunities to know and love each other more deeply through various quirks and discoveries.

Andi Compton, Business Director

I really thought that my future husband would do large showy displays affection (think Toby on This is Us. The guy gets me). I REALLY wanted to be proposed to in front of Cinderella’s castle at Disneyland, but the man I married is a very private person. He and I were the only ones present when he proposed and we had no engagement party. We didn’t even get a photo until a couple of hours after! A part of me was definitely crushed, but the longer I’ve known my husband, I’ve learned how hard it was for him to be vulnerable and propose at all (even when he knew it was a sure thing!) and I’ve learned to embrace the private way he chose.

Jiza Zito, Co-Founder and Creative Director

I am a recovering perfectionist and overachiever, and I too married a perfectionist and overachiever. I was (and still am at times) the sort that if you said “Jump!”, I would ask “How high?”. I always wanted things done efficiently and with the least amount of mistakes as possible on the first try. Because perfectionists and overachievers can often set the bar too high, it can take a great deal to break them out of their unforgiving and sometimes unrealistic expectations.

As an engaged couple, we lived long-distance while being fully immersed in our careers and education at the time; therefore, I did not yet fully realize my expectation for perfection from others. Like many, you sometimes enter into marriage thinking you’re invincible. It was not until my husband and I were expecting our first born immediately after our wedding that my pride got “a swift kick to the pants” and I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and hyperemesis gravidarum, a condition characterized by severe nausea, vomiting, weight loss, and electrolyte disturbance during pregnancy. In addition, we were also experiencing our first deployment and his numerous underways out to sea. When you pair separation and illness on top of the “typical” learning to grow and live together as a newlywed couple and later as parents to a colic-y, difficult newborn, it is severely humbling.

Over 10 years of marriage, there has been many good times. However, it is through the times of great suffering that has strengthen us in our vocation — 8 moves around the country, multiple deployments, the loss of two babies, the special needs of our earthly children, and the continued battle with gestational diabetes and hyperemesis gravidarum with each pregnancy, endometrosis, and as well as post-partum depression that sometimes follows. Each individual within the family unit has their own unique way of processing grief, loss, and trials, and it requires great patience and dying to self when walking in those valleys together. It requires leaning into a support system of people you trust, as well as spiritual direction and professional therapy when necessary. Suffering is sanctifying. It breaks us and molds us. It purifies the heart of its selfish ambitions, and when done in union with Christ, it draws us closer to Him and to each other. While you can never fully anticipate the suffering to which you both will be called to before your wedding day, the reality of God’s abundant Love and Mercy will always greatly surpass your expectations.

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

Long before I even knew my husband-to-be, I confidently committed myself to saving a KitchenAid Mixer for marriage. Despite the friends who tried to talk me into Black Friday sales and family who offered to buy one as a college graduation gift, I desired to withhold this life-changing kitchen appliance until the day I became a wife.

At the time, I made this decision simply because I wanted my life to look and feel remarkably different before and after marriage. It is the same line of thinking that held me accountable to not live with a boyfriend or fiancé before we were married. It is the same delayed gratification that saved other highly valued and anticipated experiences with my husband for marriage alone.

My husband and I are well-into our first year of marriage and my life is undeniably different from the life I lived as a single person. Marriage brought me across an ocean, into the military, away from my professional career and apart from friends and family. As it turns out, I didn’t need to save a KitchenAid Mixer for my life to look and feel radically different.

But God used my playful expectation and desire in other ways. My withholding of a kitchen appliance wasn’t about the mixer itself, but was about instilling in me an anticipation for married life to be a remarkably different life. I recognize how “saving a KitchenAid for marriage” was a means for God to prepare and strengthen me for the immense changes that followed our wedding day.

Nonetheless, our mixer has been a means to build community and serve others in our home. It is a means of love in the form of chocolate chip cookies. It is a stress reliever and a source of joy. Although I don't make financial contributions in our family right now, I make meals for our single friends, new parents and neighborhood kids. God is using my desires—both the playful and the serious—to teach me about myself, open my heart to love in creative ways, and be affirmed in my vocation as a wife.

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

My story is different than most. To be honest, I never had a rosy idea of marriage at all. Since I was little, God gave me the grace to understand the profound beauty in marriage, but I also never thought about it without remembering how hard and painful it probably would be. I didn’t spend most of my tween and teenage years fantasizing about my future husband, writing letters to him, or praying novenas that I would finally meet him. I’m sure part of that is because I didn’t hear about these typical “Catholic girl” trends until college, and also because I met my future husband at 14...on the first day of high school.

By 15, I knew I was going to marry him, but not in a squealy, teenage, naive way. I told my mom one day that I didn’t know how I knew, but I was going to marry this cute football player. Call it a crazy Holy Spirit moment! I said it calmly, nodded, and fell silent again, just knowing, and my mother didn’t challenge me at all. She has told me since then that she knew, somehow, too. She said I looked at my now-husband at 15 the way she looked at my dad at 15, when they met.

Seven years after meeting, after a lot of high school and college growing pains, we joyfully (and exhaustedly) walked down the aisle and were finally married. It’s difficult for me to say what surprised me about marriage, because my temperament is the kind to anticipate and expect all the possible suffering and little crosses that I could possibly encounter in the sacrament. This has its good and bad consequences. So when, for those first three months especially, hard times came, conflict flared up, or I found myself in tearful frustration at midnight on the couch, I saw it as the inevitable. I wasn’t surprised, just dealing with the suffering in marriage I knew would come.

Perhaps what began to surprise me, little by little, was my husband’s consistent, loving, patient response to all the selfish things I said and did that first year. He truly got the worst of me, because marriage felt like looking into a mirror that showed all your worst weaknesses. But he loved me tenderly in spite of them. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that when I would say something incredibly hurtful, he would often pull me into his arms, apologize for upsetting me, and tell me he loved me so much. He showed me what it was to be quick to forgive, to sacrifice your own desires for the sake of your spouse, without any complaints, and to say sorry even when I was the one who had started a quarrel! He loved (and still loves me) like God loves me: so good that it hurts, because I know I don’t deserve it. By the grace of God, I know the sacrament of marriage is forming us into saints, together.

Carissa Pluta, Editor at Large

Whenever someone asks me what I’ve learned so far in my marriage, I always half-jokingly respond: “I’ve learned how selfish I am.” While I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t a particularly selfish person during my single or engaged years. However, marriage demands so much more of me than anything else I have experienced.

I thought (albeit, naively) that I would always be the best version of myself once I got married. And while marriage has certainly shaped me more into the woman God made me to be, I still frequently have days where I’m grumpy or frustrated or downright annoying. My life is not my own anymore, it’s shared with my husband. Everything I say and do has an intimate effect on him and over the past three years I’ve been learning how to forget myself and actively choose love.

At the same time, however, I’ve found more joy in this process than single me ever could have imagined. I really feel like I have found myself through my vocation and I’ve been able to watch my husband grow more as a man. And through that, I’ve been able to encounter God more fully. It’s through self-denial that God has rooted up the weeds in my life (as painful as it can sometimes be) and has replaced it with fertile soil.

Mary Wilmot, Social Media Manager

I was just thinking the other day about how when we were dating and engaged, date nights and alone time spent together were so frequent. It really made me miss those early days! It was so easy to plan a spontaneous night out together at a new restaurant or bar in town. However, almost six years into marriage and add in two small children, our state of life has changed. Budget constraints and parenthood commitments obviously make this impossible, if not difficult. However, I am so grateful for the joy and struggles that come with raising these two little people. As much as I sometimes wish it were the opposite, weekly date nights out just aren’t a priority right now. I do not want to brush over the fact that date nights and quality time spent together are important for marriage and should be made a priority. I realize now though that date nights don’t have to be out to fancy restaurants each week, like I thought in my dating and single days. It’s easy to compare our realities to others’, especially in the age of Instagram stories when you can literally see what others are doing in the moment.

As my expectations change, I have learned to really appreciate the little moments that my husband and I are able to spend together at the end of the long day, praying our rosary, getting to mass together, reading our books of choice next to each other, and even listening to our favorite podcast together or having a special at home date night.

When we are able to secure a sitter and try out a new (or old favorite) restaurant, our nights are especially valued and savored. In fact, this past fall, we were even able to save up for and take a dream anniversary trip to Italy. With a little sacrifice and a lot of help from our families, we were able to spend this amazing, priceless time together and I am truly grateful to the Lord for that!

Danielle Rother, Pinterest Manager

During my single years I fantasized quite a bit about what my future husband would be like. I made a list of the qualities I was looking for in a husband after reading the book How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul by Jason and Crystalina Evert. I knew I wanted to find a practicing Catholic man who would go to church and pray the rosary with me ­— someone who was handsome, chivalrous, kind, gentle, and had similar interests to me. While the message of the Everts’ book is just as beautiful as the enchanting artwork pictured on the front cover; my own expectations were just about as real as finding a Disney Prince for a husband.

I believe having high expectations is a good thing, and at the same time, there comes a point when it’s important to recognize when those expectations have become unrealistic. Perhaps I sought to find someone so similar to me that I was basically looking for a male version of myself. Eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that the person I would end up with was not going to be a carbon copy.

The truth is, the man I fell in love with does hold many of the qualities I was searching for in a husband and he is also as different from myself as one can get. We have completely opposite temperaments and personalities. Throughout our courtship I knew that we were very different from each other, but it wasn’t until we were married that those differences became very challenging for us to navigate. Both of us have needed to adjust our expectations.

The extrovert in me is always seeking interaction and attention while the introvert in him is constantly looking for some solitude. My love language revolves around extravagant grand gestures and my husband is more content with the ordinary pleasures of life. Some days it seems like we have come to an impasse; yet somehow the grace of the sacrament has held us together. The reality of marriage means constantly dying to ourselves just a little bit more every day; compromise is an art form that we are still learning as newlyweds.

While the dreamer in me will never stop dreaming, I’ve learned that it’s important to live in our own reality and not to have unrealistic expectations in our marriage. I will always be grateful for the magical moment that was our wedding day, but everyday life in marriage can’t be a perpetual fairytale. It would be unsustainable. And even if it were possible, the magical moments would be less magical. It’s really the storms in life that we experience which help us to appreciate the joyful moments—because without rain there would be no rainbows.

Editors Share | Participating in the Mass

At the start of a new year and a new season of the liturgical calendar, we consider ways to refresh our habits and live each day with intention. Today, the Spoken Bride team shares some of the practices that shape their preparation for and engagement during the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

PHOTOGRAPHY: KELLI SEELEY PHOTOGRAPHY, seen in Alana + Stephen | California Air Force Wedding

Stephanie Calis, Editor in Chief & Co-Founder

In this season of raising young children, my husband and I have had to adjust our expectations of what we hope to “get” from the Mass, and I think after several years we’ve reached something of a sweet spot. In doing so, my view has shifted to the reality that Mass is, in fact, not about getting, but about gift: Christ’s free, faithful, total, and fruitful sacrifice poured out and re-presented to us at every liturgy. I have to remind myself that even on days when I miss every other word of the homily or when my baby tries to escape under the kneelers over and over, Jesus is truly present and desires to enter into my life and vocation in such a specific, intimate way.

That said, I do make efforts to devote myself to worship and prayer. As I approach the altar for communion, the song “Sanctuary” frequently echoes in my head, underscoring for me the beautiful nuptial significance of the sacraments and helping dispose me to receive the Eucharist. The thought of humbly approaching the altar, walking toward the Bridegroom, is so moving to me.

My husband and I try to take turns handling and praying with our kids after communion, so that we can each have personal prayer and reflection time. We sometimes alternate taking them outside immediately after Mass, as well, to give each other additional time to pray in the chapel. Since college, I have always prayed after Mass the St. Michael prayer (which my parish now says collectively, before the final blessing), a prayer to St. Raphael for friends and family members and their future spouses, and have renewed my consecration to Mary.

Jiza Zito, Creative Director & Co-Founder

My family arrives early, brings missals, and says a prayer of thanksgiving after Mass. I try to go to confession at least twice a month with my husband or as a family, and to daily Mass at least once a week.

Andi Compton, Business Director

I meet with my Gospel Group weekly and we read the Sunday Readings and discuss the readings, upcoming feast days, and liturgical living. I am an Every Sacred Sunday drop out—at this season in my life with five kids, including a newborn, I just can’t remember to bring books and take time to write notes. But I do use the Laudate app to keep up with the readings whenever I’m in the cry area and a book isn’t available. Our goal is to make it to confession once a month. Our two oldest can now receive reconciliation and it’s so important to us to model us admitting that we are sinners in need of forgiveness by going regularly.

Honestly, during this season of my life, I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough because what I plan to do is interrupted by my actual life. I’ve learned to think of these interruptions as opportunities to offer up for our family’s salvation and any other intentions I can think of. At Christmas Eve Mass I was really wrestling with all my emotions of the process of bringing the whole crew to Mass (baths, getting dressed, leaving too late, parking far away, walking through the crazy parking lot, not finding seats, dealing with usherettes on power trips) but when the Eucharist was held up and the priest said “Behold, this is Lamb oh God…” a very clear voice in my head saying “This is why.” So even if you’re in a season where you can’t do all the things you desire in your prayer life, know that you can find Jesus exactly where you are.

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

There are many little habits I have started to acquire that allow me to prepare better and go deeper into the great gift that is the Catholic Mass. I am not perfectly consistent yet, but I find that my spiritual life is much stronger when I am more intentional about them.

Something new I am doing this year is using the Every Sacred Sunday Mass journal to pre-read the readings at home on Sunday or Saturday, take notes, reflect, and prepare spiritually for my upcoming week. I also use the journal to take notes during the homily! I haven’t received any weird stares yet.

In preparation for receiving the Eucharist again the next time I am at Mass, I strive to make daily (if not multiple times a day) spiritual communions. There are many different prayers you can chose from to “make” a spiritual communion. I pray, “Lord, I am not worthy that you should come under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.”

When my husband and I are driving to Mass together, we pray St. Ambrose’s before Mass prayer in the car. I keep the paper with the prayer on the visor above the driver’s side, so I never have to think about remembering it; it is always there. I also try to listen to Christian or sacred music or ride in silence.

Additionally, I find it much easier to focus my Mass time when I arrive at least 10 minutes early to say hello to Jesus and tell him what my intentions for the Mass are.

For several months now, I have been accountable for attending daily Mass on Thursdays. A dear friend agreed to go to morning Mass with me on Thursday, and then we get coffee together! This makes sure I show up instead of making an excuse or sleeping in, and it cultivates a beautiful friendship founded on faith and virtue (and coffee).

During Mass, whenever I am about to enter the communion line, I pray in my head, “Mama Mary, prepare me to receive your Son in a way that does not desecrate His most holy body.” It can be so easy for me to get distracted right before I get up receive the Eucharist or while walking in line. I forget that I am walking the wedding aisle to my Bridegroom. So I call upon Mama Mary to clear my head and keep me focused on the sacrament.

When the priest raises the Body and Blood after consecration, I pray “my Lord and my God, thank you Jesus.”

I try not to go more than two weeks to a month between confessions. Getting over the “public shame” of staying in your seat during communion if you are not properly disposed to receive has also been transformative for my conscience and my soul. It also increases humility and my desire to get to confession so I can receive in a state of grace at the next Mass.

And finally, I veil at every Mass, in adoration chapels, and in the church when I go to confession, because those are all places I am in the presence of the Eucharist. Veiling has been immensely transformative for me. It changed my interior dispositions during Mass and even transformed the outward way I dress inside and outside of church. I am in love with this tradition the Church offers us as women.

Stephanie Fries, Editor at Large

I love to volunteer as a lector at Mass as a way for me to serve in our community and to engage more intimately with the readings. I am re-building a habit of bringing a small notebook with me to Mass so I can note specific readings or excerpts from the homily that I want to reflect on again at home. I strive to consistently pray a prayer of Thanksgiving after Mass, “for the beauty of this day and the sacrifice of your son.”

Mary Wilmot, Social Media Manager

My family and I have recently started attending a Latin Mass parish. I know this is not the case for everyone, but we are blessed that we are relatively close to two parishes that offer the TLM (one of them is the parish we were married in!). My husband and I both have experienced great fruits since attending consistently.

We like to prepare by making sure we have the readings handy during Mass. We currently use the missal and leaflets that are offered at our Church since we don’t have our own Missals yet. It is one of my goals for 2019 to acquire our own though! In a pinch, the Laudate app on my phone has been helpful as it has all the daily readings and prayers of the Mass.

After communion, I like to pray the Anima Christi prayer, and I also try to kneel and pray in silence. It can be tough with two small children though. We each get up with one of the kids at least once during the Mass due to someone needing to go to the bathroom or getting too fidgety. When I get frustrated, I try to remind myself that this is just the season of my life right now. Quietly explaining the parts of the Mass or pointing our candles, the Crucifix, or statues seem to help draw their attention to the Mass. My kids also seem to prefer to sit closer to the altar so they can see. Getting to Mass a little early makes this possible and gives us some extra prayer time. We sometimes also bring in a couple books or quiet toys. We try to go to daily Mass a couple times a week at a few different parishes nearby, too.

Outside of Mass, we pray a family rosary together every night. It has become part of our routine before the kids go to bed and it’s so nice to have those 15 minutes of quiet and peace together. The kids definitely fidget and sometimes fall asleep before we finish, but it definitely feels like it brings peace and order to our day, no matter how the rest of the day has been. In addition, I try to go to the confession at least once a month. My goal for this year is to add in at least 20-30 minutes of spiritual reading in during the day, as well.