Practical Steps for When Chastity is Too Hard.

SINIKKA ROHRER

As a Christian wedding photographer, there's one thing I say to my couples as I pray over them, on our final call before their weddings:

“May the Lord give you peace, patience, and purity during these final days on your journey to the aisle.”

Soul Creations Photography

I remember my own engagement and its temptations. My husband, Alan, and I went back and forth between being so intentional as to set bedtimes and make sure there was space between us on the couch, and throwing caution to the wind by cozying up verrry close under blankets, into the wee hours, during date night movie time.

I was personally surrounded by women filled with faith--but only the amount they wanted to be filled with. Many girlfriends of mine were already living with their fiancés Others were being told it was a good idea to test drive the car before buying, and seriously considering doing so.

Maybe you’ve been there and heard those things, too. While we can’t change that we live in a world that so often prioritizes lust, we can change how we react.

To be completely real with you, sexual self-control is often harder than actual wedding planning.

Here, three tips that helped my husband and I stay fixed on the purity of heart we so desired for our relationship.

Back away.

It’s time to start talking about the sexual weaknesses that silently permeate Catholic culture and stop living on an island of guilt or regret, because you are not alone. If you believe it's taboo to confide in a good friend about sexual sin, know that this conversation will not only help free you from the grip of sin, where it thrives in darkness; it may also help your confidant.

I don’t know if you struggle with masturbation, pornography, or any type of sexual sin, which sometimes tend to become gray areas that are glossed over during your formation, but I do know we are called to flee from these things outside of the marriage room (1 Corinthians 6:18) and outside a full, wholesome sexual relationship between man and woman.

When you're tempted to push the physical boundaries of engagement, turn to Scripture and prayer, knowing no temptation is greater than you can bear: “God is faithful and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13). Knowing our God is with us gives us even more strength to back away.

Turn your eyes from each other (Psalm 119:37) and put them on Jesus (Romans 13:14), the author and perfecter of our hearts. With his strength, we’re given the grace to persevere in keeping our bodies holy as His is holy; as He has called us to be (Ephesians 5:3). 

Reorient yourselves.

By reorienting yourself, I do not mean turning around hypothetically or physically. What I do mean is being honest with yourselves, identifying practical ways to avoid repeating certain regrets.

So reorient yourself. Right yourself. Particularly when the culture exerts a strong pull--pray for God’s grace, and then collaborate with him. Stop playing that CD in your car if your eyes are opened to how many innuendoes it contains. Change the channel when a sexual scene comes on. Change the topic when friends start down the path of raunchy stories from their weekends, or better yet, take a break from time with those friends.

Remember why.

As you plan your wedding and pack for a honeymoon with the man of your dreams, it’s easy to forget why this marriage thing is such a big deal in the spiritual realm. So here’s a  reminder:

Your marriage, in particular, has been planned by the Lord that you might shine His Light and be a power couple for Him in the world as His hands and feet.

Because of this, marriage, and its consummation, are to be held in high honor (Hebrews 13:4). It helps to conceive of appropriate boundaries as principles in your mind, rather than simply in where your body parts are or aren’t placed.

I don’t know where you are or what stage of life you are in. I don’t know if you are battling temptation, already living with your soon-to-be spouse, or are even struggling through finding a priest that will marry you if you live together.

Wherever you are, know that you aren’t alone in your struggle. I challenge you to seek God's infinitely loving mercy as you pursue purity of heart and intention, chastity and self-discipline. I challenge you to stay close to the Eucharist and let your heart be convicted.

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24).

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About the Author: Sinikka Rohrer is a Christian wedding photographer and Spoken Bride vendor on mission to encourage brides with practical and spiritual encouragement on the way to the aisle. She is a lover of all things healthy, early morning spiritual reads, and anything outdoors.

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When Earthly Marriage Feels Preferable to Heaven.

STEPHANIE CALIS

This summer as I prepared for the birth of my third child, an otherwise typical Facebook scroll led me to an article on reducing childbirth-related deaths in the advanced world of American medicine. Having experienced postpartum complications in the past, I was surprised to learn excessive bleeding and hemorrhage, issues my hospital had handled quickly and easily when I experienced them, are in reality leading causes of maternal death. I spent the better part of a week in tears, unable to lift the weight of anxiety and fear of death, of leaving my husband and family.

My grief, I know, stems from a realization I’ve recently come to; one I wish didn't have such a hold on me. Here it is: as a Christian, I'm embarrassed to say I often don't feel ready for heaven. Not in the sense of being unprepared, though I almost certainly am--aren't we all, except by grace--but in the sense that my fully human, earthly mind can't fathom something that will fill my soul more than being married to my husband and raising our family.

I find myself secretly hoping Christ’s Second Coming won't happen during my lifetime. I tear up immediately when I think of being separated from my husband. I frequently wrestle with the idea that, theologically, there's no marriage in heaven.

I am immeasurably blessed by my husband, a man who shows me Christ's love in such a tangible way. By extension, I wonder if, by loving him so much, my love for the Father somehow fades into second place. I am in awe of my husband, thankful to him, passionate about him, and I trust him completely, in a way that goes far deeper than just feelings. Shouldn't I see God in this way, and to an even deeper extent?

I know, of course, that my husband isn't--nor should he be--an idol or ultimate source of my happiness. Yet the thought of our being apart, even if it means one of us is rejoicing before our maker at the heavenly feast, is hard to contend with.

Have you experienced this, the fear that heaven couldn’t possibly be as joyful as living out your vocation on earth--one you’ve probably dreamed of and prayed for for years--and its counterpart, a fear of death? I wish I could say I’ve come through this fire with wisdom to spare on the other side, but the truth is that my only recourse has been prayer. Specifically, I ask the Lord to increase my desire for him and to silence my anxieties when I think of eternity. We live in the longing, after all, we humans--imprinted with a restlessness and longing for the fullness of the divine from the moment of our creation. My prayer is that these longings of mine be directed well, aimed fearlessly at the heart of heaven.

I find peace in the thought that if love and marriage on earth are meant to give us the tiniest glimpse of eternal life, and if heaven is such a banquet of perfect love, free from our weakness and imperfection, I don't even know what I'm missing out on. Of course it's better than anything I can imagine, because in my humanity, I literally can't imagine it.

For now, I know my call: to love and sanctify my husband and family and to receive their purifying love in return. And know I’m meant to trust that until these missions are fulfilled, in whatever time the Father intends, death needn’t be a concern.

St. Augustine famously prayed, Make me a saint, but not yet. He echoes my own thoughts in relation to life and death: Get me to Heaven, but not yet. I pray to desire it now, to live with eternity in mind; to be not afraid.

If fears like mine have taken hold of your own heart, know I’m there with you in the tension and that you have my prayers. If any particular practices have brought consolation to your soul, we love hearing your wisdom and sharing in your sisterhood.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Creating Your Own Wedding Novena

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

One of the beautiful things about Catholic devotional life is that there is a prayer (or prayers) for every problem and occasion. Novenas in particular are increasing in popularity amongst younger generations of Catholics, thanks to sites like PrayMoreNovenas.com. And while engaged couples can find plenty of novenas to pray in preparation for marriage with a simple Google search, my hope is that this post will inspire you and your fiancé (or your maid of honor/best man) to write your own unique novena to pray with your guests in the nine days leading up to your wedding.

I first encountered the idea of a custom novena for someone’s wedding as a college student at the University of Notre Dame; one of my friends wrote a novena for a soon-to-be-married couple I knew. I thought it was such a wonderful idea that I have since offered to write one for my close friends and family who are preparing for marriage, and was blessed to receive the same gift from my sister Elisa (also my maid of honor) when I got married last year. Even if you don’t have someone who can spearhead the novena for you, writing a novena with your fiancé can be a beautiful way to grow as a couple. Below are simple instructions for how to put a novena together and share it with your guests:

Karly Jo Photography

Together with your fiancé, choose nine favorite saints.

These could be your patron saints, saints who have been meaningful to you as a couple, saints whose feast days fall on the days leading up to your wedding, or a combination of all three. My husband and I enjoyed this part of the process, although it was definitely tough to narrow down our list!

Find prayers to those saints that you can customize (or write your own).

Thanks to the internet, this part is surprisingly easy. All you have to do is search for prayers to the saints you’ve chosen and you’ll get lots of options that you can easily customize by inserting your names or changing the wording. If you’re ambitious and have some extra time on your hands, consider writing your own prayers to each Saint. Here’s an example of a modified prayer that I wrote for my sister Elisa’s wedding novena:

St. Joseph, pray for Elisa and Thomas as they begin their life as husband and wife. Pray for Thomas, that he will love Elisa the way that you loved Mary, and that he will teach his children the way you taught your Son. Pray for Elisa, that she will love Thomas the way Mary loved you, and that their union would imitate your holy marriage to Mary. Grant them both, with their future children, the grace of a happy and peaceful death.

Heavenly Father, we thank you for the gift of Christ, and for the gift of his earthly foster father, St. Joseph.

Create an email list of guests who you’d like to pray the novena with and for you.

An invitation to pray, even to those who aren’t Catholic, is never a bad thing. However, if you’re concerned that some of your guests may be offended by the idea of praying a novena for you and your fiancé, that’s something to keep in mind when making your list. I also recommend delegating this task to a bridesmaid or groomsman who can commit to sending out the prayer for each day.

Note: You may have older relatives who do not use email or check it regularly, but would love to participate in the novena. Consider printing and mailing copies of the novena to them; they’ll be so grateful.

Write an explanation of 1) what a novena is and 2) how to pray it for those who are unfamiliar with novenas, and send it out with the first day’s prayer.

Even if all of your guests (or everyone on the email list) are Catholic, it’s still helpful to include a brief explanation of novenas in general and yours in particular. It doesn’t need to be long or detailed. This is the explanation I included with my sister’s novena:

What is a Novena?

A novena is a prayer said over the course of nine days, and is popular in Catholic devotion. Novenas are usually prayed for a special intention and through the intercession of a particular Saint. We ask for the intercession of the saints because they are in heaven and are great prayer warriors. We do not worship the Saints or pray "to" them in the same way that we pray to God. We do honor them for their heroic virtue and holiness, and look to their example as we "work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling" as St. Paul says in Philippians 2:12.

For Elisa and Thomas, each day of the novena is dedicated to one of their favorite Saints. The idea is to have as many of Elisa and Thomas’ family and friends praying for them and their life together on the days leading up to their wedding.

How to pray the novena:

Begin in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Pray the specific prayer for that day.

End with the Our Father and a Hail Mary.

Pray the final novena prayer together with your wedding party before your rehearsal.

Kristian and I had a holy hour before our rehearsal, so we printed copies of our final novena prayer and invited everyone there to pray it with us. Those who were not at the holy hour could still pray it on their own at home.

In my experience, praying a customized wedding novena is a beautiful way to remain focused on the sacrament of marriage in the final (typically crazy) days of wedding preparation. It’s also a wonderful way to invite your guests to support you, especially those who are far away and unable to attend the wedding. My hope is that Kristian and I will pray our wedding novena each year in the nine days leading up to our anniversary, so that we don’t forget the holy men and women who interceded for us as we entered into married life.

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Chastity and the Battle to Let Love Conquer Lust

STEPHANIE CALIS

If you ever imagined and prayed once your finger held an engagement ring, your relationship and spiritual life would soar to the heights and become less complicated, only to learn the truth sometimes more resembles the opposite, you aren’t alone. The love of man and wife is transformative and real, life-giving, with the power to transcend and change this world. It’s obvious why the enemy constantly snaps at the the heels of something so good, so beautiful, so much more powerful than death.

During my own engagement, I was suddenly more aware of spiritual warfare than ever before. In times past, to be honest, I’d always considered attacks from Satan more of a superstition than a reality, yet here came a hurricane of self-doubt, anxiety about the future, and particularly for my fiancé and I, battles with purity. At the time, I was serving a mission year as a chastity speaker, and my boss told us to expect a battle.

Photography: Petite Fleur Studios

As I began my mission, and as my husband-to-be and I embarked on thirteen months of long-distance dating and engagement, we struggled constantly, spending our rare visits arguing about wedding matters and staying up too late, too physically close--sex was a line we were resolved not to cross, yet we’d inch closer to that line than we’d intended, all the same. The deeper I fell in love with him, the more I wanted to express that love fully.  

Don't misunderstand me. Desire for your beloved is good and it’s holy, but of course, its fullness is ordered toward marriage. Before engagement, our physical relationship was something I was proud of. The degree of purity my fiancé and I had preserved had deeply healed me from a past relationship, and I could honestly say I'd never felt lustful towards him, never felt the desire to overpower, to take from him, or to reduce the truth of who he was.

But the human heart is a battlefield between love and lust. When authentic love is what you prize and when you’re able to rise above the culture’s message that being lusted after is desirable, you still might find yourself sliding into habits of lust and use without even meaning to, and find yourself wondering if you’re worthy of your vocation. That’s a lie.

When I was with my fiancé--and even when I wasn’t--I couldn't get the enemy off my back.  Between my engagement and my work, I was determined to be pure in my thoughts, words, and actions, to become ever more free and fully alive. Yet I found myself constantly going back to confession for what felt like the same old sins, and there were a few times I just broke down with anxiety.  

On the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, a day when Our Lady's conception crushed the head of evil, I was consumed with anxiety about my worth as a woman. Rather than looking to Mary as a perfect model of faith, beauty, and purity, I saw her as an unattainable ideal whom I could never come close to imitating. How could I--so imperfect and so unworthy--be a real bride when it was her who was the real one, the one seeking the will of the Father in all things and embodying a perfectly integrated sexuality? It became increasingly difficult to not view my marriage as a finish line I couldn't wait to just stagger across, when the whole fight would presumably be over and I could stop feeling so fake, keeping my battles a secret. Another lie whispered in my ear: if only they knew.

The world wonders why, if chastity is such a fight, not to just give in and plant a white flag in the sand. But I knew I wasn't just following the rules. I was so internally convicted of the right path, knowing it was the best way to show my love.

So live in encouragement. Live in the tension of awaiting the full expression of your love for one another on the day you become man and wife--become one.

Believe with your whole heart you are good. You are worthy. You are also human, and the Lord delights in our humanity, flaws and all. Looking back, I'm sure now that through every attack on my purity, I was receiving graces I didn't even know about. Ask for the grace to refuse your temptations, to silence the part of you that feels unworthy, and to endure whatever trials your relationship is going through. Run to his mercy as many times as you need to, and be renewed. The Father is so loving and so gentle with us. Remember to be that with yourself, too.

A Benedictine monk told me once to combat spiritual warfare by standing between the pillars of Our Lady and the Eucharist. He said when we recognize darkness, say, Evil, I reject you. I claim victory. I claim the Cross. 

I made a consecration to Our Lady in college. Sometimes I forget that behind every perfectly worn chain or Miraculous Medal is a very imperfect woman. I am inadequate, strengthened only by grace. These devotionals aren’t so much a desperate tether to stay close to her, I’ve realized, as much as a reminder that she has also chained herself to me. A loving mother never gives up on her children. Rest in her loving mantle, cling to her son, and even while storms rage and the battle continues, you will know peace.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Receptivity: The Essence of Being a Bride

CORINNE GANNOTTI

Over a year ago, the morning of May 21st, 2016, I was in the library on the ground floor of my beautiful high school, getting ready for my wedding. The Mass would be held in the St. Francis de Sales Chapel at the very center of my alma mater, where I’d sat for school Masses so many times before. Even before then, I had come often as a little girl with my parents, who have worked there since before I was born.

In those final moments between the library bookshelves, just before my mom and sister helped button the back of my dress and my dad hugged me one last time, as I tucked the strand of hair back into place behind the pin it kept slipping out of, the priest who would celebrate our Mass came down to see me.

Elizabeth M Photography

He pulled me aside to tell me one last thing--“the most important thing”--according to him, before I walked upstairs and the celebration started. His words were these:

“You have done so much to prepare for this moment. So much planning, so much preparation, so much prayer. Endless conversations have been had, decisions made, things accomplished. You don’t need to focus on any of that anymore. All you need to do now is simply receive. Just sit back and place yourself in the position to receive all the grace God wants to pour into your heart through this sacrament. Don’t focus on any other details at this point. Just open your heart and receive all the love that’s about to flood in.”

They were the words I needed to hear. He knew that. He had probably given similar advice to other brides on their wedding days, and as he hugged me and told me he’d see me upstairs, I let them sink in.

These words shaped the rest of my wedding day. They’ve shaped my life as a wife since. They have radically impacted my experience of this vocation, and thank goodness for that. I’m not sure if that sweet priest realized the weight of his words for me.

But because of Fr. Gregory’s little reminder that what God wanted for me on my wedding day was to receive his grace in a profound and tangible way through the gift of my husband, I could recognize and truly receive that gift. The gift of peace I felt poured onto me on my wedding day seemed to drape over everything. I felt how deeply bridal it was to position myself with my heart open to Christ and those around me--particularly the man who became my husband that day.

I’ve realized more and more since that humble receptivity is the very essence of this vocation. Living as a wife means the constant work of receiving your husband with love. Living as a mother extends this reality profoundly to your children. Living as a woman, in a most basic and beautiful way, asks us to make our hearts a home for all those we encounter.

And even further, the vocation of marriage asks that we be prepared to be received by our husbands in love, and to accept the love of Jesus through them. Trying to return, again and again, to a place of intentional openness is so woven into my experience of being a wife that I can see it as the bridge that connected engagement and marriage for me.

It’s true that many things change through the reception of this sacrament and the entering into this new stage of life, but what remains essential is the call for an open heart--even if its expression changes shape over time.

And so engaged, married, or single, these priestly words of wisdom shared with me that May morning can inspire your heart like they have mine. When we are open to the grace God wishes to give us each day, He will never cease to meet us and pour Himself into us to make us stronger and more capable of love. And that will always make us able to more wholly receive each day the gift it is meant to be.

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About the Author: Corinne Gannotti studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University of Steubenville and works now as a middle school religion teacher in Pennsylvania. She loves many things, not the least of which include theatre, her hilarious husband Sam, running, Dunkin Donuts, and St. Bernadette. She and her husband are anxiously awaiting the birth of their first baby. She is a consistent contributor to the Integrity blog. 

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Our Home is a Place of Transition.

ANDI COMPTON

An audio version of this blog post was featured on our podcast.

The only time I get to sneak a peek at Traditional Home magazine, my favorite, is while I wait for the dentist. I love getting to quietly flip through and see how different designers reinvent traditional homes with modern flair, juxtaposing things like wild fabrics with clean lines and classic design elements.

But each of those photos only captures a moment in time, and it is so hard for me not to compare the constant chaos of my home to the sleek pictures in the magazine.

When we moved into our home I was 5 months pregnant with our first daughter. It was quiet, just the two of us. I painted the bedrooms and organized our things at my normal 100-miles-an-hour pace. And then our baby came when the majority of the house was still only halfway painted. I got a huge reality check: things were no longer going to happen as quickly as I wanted.

Projects that used to take a couple of days stretched into two to three months. More kids came, and so did more stuff. Then that stuff had to go, because it was cluttering our home. The cycle just went on and on, until one day, nine years later, I realized that our home is a place of transition.

It’s not meant to be a perfect snapshot. I was rooted in vanity and fear that no one would love me or want to spend time in my home if it didn’t have the right kind of flooring, a separate playroom for the kids, or a backyard playset. And I had to ask God for forgiveness, forgive myself, and let it go.

As our family grows and our children get older, I want our home to be a joyful, welcoming place where friends and family can relax together. Here are three ways we are working towards a home that is not a picture perfect snapshot, but feels comfortable for everyone:

Buy less.

As an avid shopper this one has been really difficult for me, but cutting down on the amount of physical items that come into our house has made a world of difference. Leave the item in your Amazon cart for a few days and see if you can live without it. Don’t just shop because you have a coupon (guilty!). This one does get harder as children get added to the family because more people does mean more stuff, but clutter can still be minimized. Capsule wardrobes have helped us reduce the amount of clothing we need to one giant closet for six people!

Declutter.  

Easier said than done, but I have noticed that when the house doesn’t feel full of stuff, I feel more peaceful and not as worried about our home. In our house, what that  looks like is sorting and getting rid of mail as soon it comes, letting the kids keep a relatively small amount of toys, and constantly getting rid of clothes that don’t fit well and items we no longer use. And I’m serious about the constantly part: my bedroom always has a few boxes to sort things we no longer use into a donation box or bags for different friends who can use kid supplies.

Buy high-quality items.

This goes along buying less. In cutting down on purchases, we’ve also found buying higher quality products does make a difference. While it initially costs more, we spend less having to constantly replace items. For example, we invested in four quality knives when we got married. One decade and several at-home sharpening sessions later, they’re still in excellent condition and we have no need to purchase any more.

Your home and your family are constantly changing. Don’t give into the lie that having a picture-perfect life will bring you happiness. We have to rightly order people over things, practice detachment from material goods, and remember that our homes here on earth are not our eternal homes. And I’m right there alongside you, striving to fight these temptations every day.

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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The Embodiment of a Bride: A Reflection for the Feast of the Assumption

STEPHANIE CALIS

As I’ve grown into my vocation through its seasons of engagement, marriage, and motherhood, wearing these roles lightly at first, like a new sweater, until they become familiar--if not at all times comfortable--Our Lady has frequently been at the center of my prayer life. As daughter, spouse, and mother, she’s our ideal of earthly perfection.

Rae and Michael Photography

And make no mistake; Mary’s perfection, her identity on the whole, is an inspiration to contemplate. Yet often, I find myself wondering what individual personality traits and quirks of character lay beneath the pious images and titles. I wonder what her daily life was like in Nazareth: What were Our Lady's hobbies? Were Mary and Joseph ever bothered by each other, and did they simply ignore bad habits or correct them with perfect charity in their sanctity? What sweet rituals and traditions did the Holy Family have? Did Jesus have tantrums as a toddler?

I think the reason so many questions about Our Lady’s unique heart, particularly on this day of her Assumption into heaven, arise in my own is that on some level I want to identify ever more with her in our shared roles as wives and mothers. While I’m more than aware how short I fall of Mary’s flawless obedience and purity of intention, beholding her as an ideal stands as a constant reminder to me of what I’ve promised in my wedding vows. She is a tangible, human example, an embodied woman whose body was received into the heavenly banquet on this day. What joy must have resounded through the heavens in her reunion, for all eternity, with her beloved son and husband.

Throughout engagement, and on through my days navigating newlywed life and new parenthood, I’ve grown so aware of how easy it is to believe the enemy’s lies that I’m not good enough; not as a bride, not as a wife, not as a mother. I say this to you as much as I say it to myself:

Look to Our Lady as a stronghold of truth; the truth of who you are and who you were created to be.

In her Yes to bearing the Son of God, Mary redeems each of us, and perhaps redeems us as women in a particular way. Eve’s giving in to the first lie--the possibility that God might not be enough to satisfy, that we ourselves might not be enough for him--is turned on its head in Our Lady’s humble fiat, the freely given surrender of her will out of complete trust in the Father. She desires only what is of God, who is truth himself.

What fruits, then, can you gain from this joyful feast, specifically in your identity as a bride? Again, for me, Mary’s bodiliness comes to mind. Her body and soul were seamlessly integrated, without the shadow of sin, in such a way that she is the total embodiment of beauty, of obedience, of faith.

Pray about ways you might put yourself, body and soul, at the service of love, in a way that befits your current state (engaged, married, or as a mother): through physical affection for your fiancée, husband, or children, offering chronic or temporary pain or health issues for the intentions of your beloved or your wedding guests, through embracing late-night wake-ups with an infant. Know and believe that you are enough. When it gets hard to believe, fix your eyes on our heavenly mother, our sister. You are a gift. From me to you, Happy Feast Day.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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NFP: What It Is, How It Works, and Why It Is a Blessing to Married Couples

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY 

It is NFP Awareness Week worldwide, and here at Spoken Bride, we couldn't pass up an opportunity to share the beauty of the Church's teaching on marriage, sexuality, and openness to life. We hope this post will be a helpful introduction or refresher for those of you are preparing for marriage, especially if your diocese or parish does not require an extensive course in NFP. Note that this is NOT an exhaustive resource on the Church's teaching or NFP. Please feel free to email us if you'd like any more information or want to hear about our personal experiences with NFP.

One of the most maligned and misunderstood teachings of the Church is her teaching on sexuality and chastity, specifically within the context of marriage. Some Catholics are under the impression that the Church requires everyone to have as many children as possible; some balk at the prohibition against contraception because it seems so unreasonable in the modern world; and some assume that since chastity is required before marriage, it must no longer be needed after a couple says, “I do.”

These misconceptions are completely understandable considering our current cultural climate, and the confusion that surrounds sexuality in general. The Church seems like a lone voice crying out in the wilderness of secular society, and it's often difficult for couples to hear that voice in the midst of the craziness of wedding planning. 

Erik Bello Photography.

The Church’s teaching on marital sexuality

In reality, the Church’s teaching on marriage and sexuality is both beautiful and challenging--just like the Christian life in general. According to the Church, all men and women, regardless of their state in life, are called to practice the virtue of chastity. Chastity is the virtue (spiritual strength) that helps us to integrate our sexuality into the entirety of our being, in order to  truthfully love those we are sexually attracted to instead of using them.

The practice of this virtue looks different depending on one’s state of life. For married couples, chastity means respecting the reality of sex and sexuality: that God designed sexual intercourse to be a unitive and procreative expression of love between a husband and wife. Marital love should be freely given, faithful (emotionally and sexually exclusive), total (the gift of one’s entire self, including fertility), and fruitful (open to having biological children, if able, and adopting/making marriage fruitful in some other way if biological children are not a possibility). Chastity for married people also means avoiding any lustful thoughts or actions: using others (even their wife/husband) as a means of getting sexual pleasure.

This means that anything that thwarts either the unitive or procreative aspects of marital love-making is contrary to God’s design for marriage and sex, and must be avoided. Contraception (both hormonal contraceptives and barrier methods), pornography, adultery, and the like all fall into the “sins against chastity within marriage” category.

Most people can see why pornography and adultery are on the list...but contraception? Isn’t this the 21st century? Doesn’t contraception help marriages by giving couples and easy way to avoid having a child if it wouldn’t be convenient or good for the family to do so? How can the Church expect so much of couples?

The Church can ask married couples to be open to life for the same reason she can ask us to love our enemies, or care for the poor, or put the needs of others before our own: Christ entrusted the Church with the ability to dispense divine life (grace) via the Sacraments, and marriage is a Sacrament.

God never leaves us alone in our attempts to follow his will--he always provides us with the grace to grow in virtue and practice self-control.

Yes, it is easier (in some ways) to take a birth control pill or have an IUD inserted or use a condom each time you have sex than it is to practice Natural Family Planning, in which couples prayerfully discern whether or not to avoid or postpone pregnancy by abstaining from sex during the wife's fertile cycle. But the Christian life is not about what is easy, it’s about what is true, good, and beautiful. And once the physiological and spiritual differences between avoiding pregnancy via contraception and avoiding pregnancy based on Natural Family Planning methods becomes clear, it is evident that the Church, like any good mother, only wants what’s best for her children.

If this is the first time you’re learning this information, you (or your fiancé) may have some questions, which is great! The first step to trusting Christ and the Church is to be open to learning the reasons behind Catholic teaching. Below are the answers to several frequently asked questions (based on my experience as a theology teacher, RCIA instructor, and marriage prep catechist).

Erik Bello Photography.

Frequently Asked Questions about NFP

I heard NFP is the rhythm method, and that the rhythm method isn’t reliable. Is that true?

No! NFP is not the rhythm method. You may have heard that it is because many of our parents and grandparents grew up thinking that was the only “natural” way to space children. Unfortunately, the rhythm method was based on the (faulty) idea that all women ovulate on day 14 of their cycle, which is not the case. Modern Natural Family Planning methods can be used by the majority of women, regardless of the regularity of their cycles, and are scientifically proven to be as effective as birth control when used correctly, because they are based on the observable signs of a woman’s fertility each month. Scroll down for a list of resources if you want to learn more about the different methods of NFP and which one would be best for you.

Isn’t NFP just “natural contraception”?

NFP can be used as a natural form of contraception, but that is not how the Church asks couples to use it. The Church teaches that couples must exercise prayerful and prudential judgment regarding avoiding/spacing pregnancy in each season of their marital life. This means that if a couple has a serious reason to avoid pregnancy or space your pregnancies, they may do so by not having sex during the fertile period of your cycle. It does not mean that Catholic couples may use NFP to indefinitely postpone/avoid pregnancy or avoid pregnancy for selfish reasons.

When is it okay to avoid/space your pregnancies?

The Church teaches that spouses should practice responsible parenting, meaning if a couple discerns that it is not the right time to have another child, the couple may avoid having sex during your fertile time until said problem is resolved. There is no obligation for couples to have sex during a woman’s fertile period each month. Therefore, it is not necessarily sinful to avoid pregnancy or space your pregnancies using NFP. However, it is essential that married couples prayerfully discern these decisions together, and, if need be, with a competent spiritual director.

What if I don’t want ten kids?

The Church does not teach that a woman must have as many children as her body can bear. Some couples are called to have large families, but not all. The important thing is, like in all aspects of the Christian life, to be open to the Lord’s plan being different from our plan. I know couples who desperately wanted to have large families and for whatever reason, have not been able to conceive or “only” have two or three kids. I know couples who never saw themselves having big families, but now have six, seven, or eight kids. Regardless of how many children a couple is blessed with, there will be crosses and difficulties and stressful situations. But there will also be the unspeakable joy that only comes when we let go of our plans and ideas and allow the Lord to take over.

WIll NFP ruin our sex life?

Using NFP to avoid pregnancy involves mutual sacrifice on the part of the husband and wife; it’s not easy to abstain from making love when a woman is fertile, nor is it easy to accept a child when he or she wasn’t “planned.” But it also involves increased communication between husband and wife, which can result in more intimacy, not less. The Church maintains that God would not ask something of us without giving us the grace to do it, which is one of the reasons why marriage is a Sacrament. That said, couples who practice NFP need the support and encouragement of like-minded couples, which is why building Catholic community in the local parish (or even online) is so important.

Do I have to learn/practice NFP?

Some couples have a “come what may” philosophy when it comes to family planning. They don’t learn or practice NFP (or use contraception). That is something that each couple must discern. However, it is a good idea to learn an NFP method in case you need it in the future to 1) become pregnant (this is actually one of the primary reasons why many couples practice NFP) or 2) avoid pregnancy should an issue arise later in your marriage. It’s also incredibly helpful for both husband and wife to understand and appreciate a woman’s cycle, especially if it is irregular. So many potential fertility issues can be resolved by practicing basic fertility awareness using NFP, and seeking out an NFP-only OB/GYN to address those issues.

Personally, I’m grateful that I began charting my cycle long before I met my husband, because I discovered that I have a progesterone deficiency, which can lead to difficulties becoming and/or staying pregnant. Thanks to NFP and my progesterone supplements, we are pregnant with our first child, and it only took us two cycles to conceive.

The bottom line:

Our perennial temptation as fallen human beings is to make idols. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we want to be our own gods, to make our own rules, and to live life on our terms. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we know how destructive that way of life is, even though it may seem easier in the short term. What Christ and the Church ask of us isn’t easy: surrender never is. But we’re not surrendering to a capricious God who wants us as his slaves; we’re surrendering to a loving Father who loves us as his children. Choosing to say “yes” to the Church’s teachings on marital chastity is not easy, but because God is the author of marriage and sex, following His commandments is the only true, good, and beautiful way to live out this vocation.

Resource List:

Books

Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyla (St. John Paul II)

Humanae Vitae by Pope Paul VI

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler (not Catholic, but a good resource on fertility awareness)

The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning by Simcha Fisher

Articles/Blog posts:

Contraception: Why Not? By Dr. Janet Smith

Why not just use birth control? Some possible right answers. & NFP in real life: hard, but worth it. (both by Jenny Uebbing of Mama Needs Coffee)

When Natural Family Planning doesn’t go according to your plan (by Christy Isinger of Fountains of Home)

NFP should be a part of parish life (by Haley Stewart of Carrots for Michaelmas)

Dear Newlywed: you’re probably worried about the wrong thing. (by Kendra Tierney of Catholic All Year)

Podcast: Uncharted Territory: Getting Real about Natural Family Planning (Jenny Uebbing, Haley Stewart, and Christy Isinger)

General fertility education:

Natural Womanhood

Indy Fertility Care Blog

In Touch Fertility

NFP Methods:

The Couple to Couple League (Sympto-thermal NFP)

The Billings Method of NFP

The Creighton Method of NFP

The Marquette Method of NFP

NFP-friendly Medical Providers:

The Guiding Star Project (holistic women’s health clinics)

NaProTECHNOLOGY Practitioners in the United States

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Betrothal Ceremony | Danielle + Jeff

You may remember Danielle and Jeff from their "How He Asked" feature, published in June. Today, we're excited to share with you their betrothal ceremony, a traditional Catholic rite of blessing for engaged couples. If you're not familiar with the Rite of Betrothal, read on to find out what it is, how it's done, and why they are increasingly popular amongst young Catholics. 

In Danielle's words: On Sunday, March 12, 2017, Jeff and I arranged for the priest at St. Joseph Catholic Church in Miesville, MN, to celebrate the Solemn Rite of Betrothal for us after Mass in the Extraordinary Form. It only lasted about 15 minutes, but it was a beautiful little ceremony for blessing our engagement.

For those who are not familiar, the Rite of Betrothal, in the Catholic Church, is a free, mutual, true promise, vocally expressed between a man and woman who pledge themselves for future marriage to one another. It is a praiseworthy tradition to have a Catholic couple’s engagement solemnized and blessed by the Church. Although it is not a sacrament, it is a sacramental and a canonically binding agreement between both parties.

Since we wished to enter into this agreement, Jeff and I went up to the communion rail to meet the priest once Mass had ended. Then the priest began the ritual with song and prayer. He said,

Beloved of Christ: It is the dispensation of Divine Providence that you are called to the holy vocation of marriage. For this reason you present yourselves today before Christ and His Church, before His sacred minister and the devout people of God, to ratify in solemn manner the engagement bespoken between you.

The priest continued with his allocution and then asked us to join our right hands together.

The priest asked for us to repeat after him, starting with Jeff.

Jeff, holding my hand, looked at me very lovingly, and said,

In the name of our Lord, I, Jeff Rother, promise that I will one day take thee, Danielle Duet, as my wife, according to the ordinances of God and holy Church. I will love thee even as myself. I will keep faith and loyalty to thee, and so in thy necessities aid and comfort thee; which things and all that man ought to do unto his espoused I promise to do unto thee and to keep by the faith that is in me.

Then, looking into Jeff’s eyes, I said,

In the name of our Lord, I, Danielle Duet, in the form and manner wherein thou hast promised thyself unto me, do declare and affirm that I will one day bind and oblige myself unto thee, and will take thee, Jeffrey Rother, as my husband. And all that thou hast pledged unto me I promise to do and keep unto thee, by the faith that is in me.

After, the priest took the two ends of his stole and in the form of a cross placed them over our clasped hands. Then he declared us betrothed and sprinkled holy water over us in the form of a cross. Afterward, he blessed my engagement ring. 

Jeff took the ring and placed it on my index finger saying, "In the name of the Father," then on my middle finger, "and of the Son," and finally placing it on my ring finger, "and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." The priest finished the readings for the Rite of Betrothal and two witnesses came up to sign the document, along with our signatures and that of the priest.

It was a beautiful moment for us and I am very happy we chose to participate in this holy tradition of the Church. I believe it has added abundant blessings and graces to our engagement, which I firmly believe will continue manifest even more fully once we enter into the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

Photography: Alyssa Michelle Photography | Church: St. Joseph Catholic Church, Miesville, Minnesota | Engagement Ring: Gittelson Jewelers 

When Sacrifice Feels Like Too Much.

STEPHANIE CALIS

“This is my body which is given for you.” “ I thirst.” “Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal upon your arm.” We’ve heard these words, felt these aches to lay ourselves bare, to quench the thirst of the Beloved, to make of ourselves a beautiful and perfect gift. The Cross and all it encompasses--body, blood, soul; heroic sacrifice and purest love; a marriage made in heaven--is one of our truest examples of spousal love: self-death and self-gift. But obvious isn’t the same as easy. What can you do when you know you’re falling short of authentic, sacrificial love, and moreover, when you don’t even particularly care to try?

Photography: Alex Krall Photography

Sacrifice shouldn’t make sense. Inconveniencing and emptying yourself, for no benefit of your own, directly pits our better judgment against our fallen nature. My younger self used to view sacrifice, in theory, as two people each being willing to give and take on certain matters, finding a compromise somewhere in the middle. In practice, as I navigated life with roommates and, later, with a husband, I realized how little I’d understood.

Going 50/50 on some things might be good for equality, but it’s not the best for relationships. Sometimes in compromise, and all times in authentic love, one person gives (or gives up) everything, not half.

It’s the ideal we vow to chase after and to live out in good times and in bad, standing before the One who gave of himself completely for love’s sake.

Yet even with eyes of faith, of knowing joy flows from putting another before yourself and wanting the good of someone else, sacrificial love is painful. Whether you’re undergoing the struggle of budgets, registries and their ensuing compromises as a bride-to-be or experiencing the growing pains of living with your husband as a newlywed, there might’ve been a time when you’ve asked yourself, how much is too much?

Watching TV’s This Is Us a few months ago, I was struck by the reality of sacrifice upon sacrifice gone unnoticed or unfulfilled. Years into marriage and raising their children to adolescence, Jack and Rebecca Pearson express the seeming disillusionment they’ve experienced as they’ve habitually put themselves aside for each other and for their family, the weight of their burdens boiling over into an all-out battle.

He feels burned out and unappreciated by years of working a mediocre job while trying to keep family first. She mourns what feels like the loss of identity after ages of existing solely as a mother while putting her own pursuits on the back burner. They wonder and they argue: who has given up more?

Their pain is palpable because it’s real. Dismissing this couple as unwilling to take up their crosses would diminish the truth that even with the graces of marriage, even when sacrifice is a habit, even when spouses put each other (and their children) first and themselves second, the sheer effort can leave you parched and drained. That’s okay. It’s only living water that will restore. Practically speaking, here are some ways to invite the Lord into your brokenness, your tiredness, and to rest in him:

Pray for your spouse, simply as who he or she is.

My prayer often turns to asking the Father for certain virtues that will strengthen me as a wife and mother, and for the same for my husband. During more stressful or trying seasons, though, this approach tends to increase my anxiety rather than my sense of peace. Instead, try simply contemplating the reality of your beloved, in all his flaws and gifts, and thank God for who he is. Chances are, even when you aren’t feeling particularly loving, your focus will shift to a deeper, objective appreciation for the qualities you fell in love with and a diminished sense of frustration with those that are a source of trial. Cultivate a will to thanksgiving.

Say what you need.

It’s surprising how often I find myself burdened by certain obligations of marriage and parenthood and don’t even think to speak up to my husband about them. I don’t intentionally mean to keep my struggles a secret; I tend to (unhealthily) view embracing sacrifice as the more praiseworthy choice than acknowledging my limits, to the point that I end up completely overwhelmed and tired, unable to see them as something potentially fruitful. As we’ve navigated grad school and parenthood over the past few years, I’ve tried to become better about identifying and vocalizing to my husband what can ease the strain. It sounds obvious, but asking for a few hours to go to Adoration, go for a walk, or take myself out to coffee, I’ve finally realized, isn’t selfish. It's a renewal that brings me back to my vocation reenergized.

Thank each other.

In big-picture matters like working a non-dream job or joining in on each other’s extended family vacations, and in small ones like foregoing unnecessary spending when you’re on a budget and putting the dishes away, make a habit of noticing ways your spouse gives of himself or herself for the good of your marriage, and say thank you. For those whose love language is Words of Affirmation, this is particularly meaningful, but for anyone at all, recognizing and valuing what is given can only bear a deeper sense of gratitude, attention, and reverence for the person you love.

No matter how much our particular life demands, on the hardest days I remind myself how much  more miserable I’d be if I were single, with fewer responsibilities, than married to my husband and caring for our children with the difficulties piling on. He is pure gift, meant to sanctify me and, God willing, accompany me to Heaven. Sometimes lightening the load is all about perspective.

“...’alone,’ the man does not completely realize [his] essence. He realizes it only by existing ‘with someone’--and, put even more deeply and completely, by existing ‘for someone.’” - Pope St. John Paul II, TOB 14:2

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Elise's Wedding | 5 Ways to Thrive During the Last Few Weeks of Your Engagement

ELISE CRAWFORD

Save the date ...our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

Photography by Meaghan Clare Photography

I'm writing this at 11:30pm after a full day of work in D.C. with clients, calls with my team and giving a talk this evening to a group of women business owners. I'm tired. Physically, yes but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Wedding planning can be fun and full of exciting adventures, but what happens when it's....not? I think every woman who has gotten married can identify a moment in their planning process when she's thought to herself, "I'm so ready for this to be all over with and just be married already!"

There's no doubt when preparing to enter into the sacrament of marriage that you will experience some sort of spiritual battle; the Enemy trying to keep you from becoming the woman God has made you to be. I've been engaged for almost four years: that's a long time to be engaged in a singular battle! There are so many ups and downs when it comes to wedding planning and as your wedding day draws even closer, those waves of overwhelm can seem to come in faster and even more ferociously. 

No matter how long you've been engaged, I'm sure you can relate to the feeling of fatigue and burnout during the last few weeks leading up to your wedding. Below I'm sharing my five tips for thriving during your final days of engagement. Enjoy and feel free to leave your own tips in the comments!

Stay close to the Eucharist.

 As I mentioned before, I've definitely noticed an increase in spiritual battle or struggle as my wedding day draws near. They can be identified as small or feelings of discouragement and overwhelm or an increased tendency to lose your temper. The Enemy plays on your weaknesses, particularly as you are about to enter into the sacred bonds of marriage. Spend some extra time alone with Christ during the last few weeks of your engagement in order to remain focused. Although you are about to give yourself completely and freely over to another in marriage, Jesus will always be your first Love. Let him nourish you, love you and sanctify you as draw closer to Him. Amp up your prayer life. Although it might seem impossible to fit in anything else in your schedule, it's important to prioritize daily Mass, confession and quiet prayer even more intensely as your big day draws near. 

Write everything down.

 This might seem like an obvious task, but I didn't even think about mapping out the next couple of months leading up to my wedding until I was complaining to a friend about how I didn't even know where to start when it came to everything that still needs to get done. Of course I had thought about having a day-of timeline for my wedding, but now that August 12th is just weeks away, it's been incredibly helpful to take time to write out every little thing that needs to get done before our wedding day, then share it with my bridesmaids, mom and whomever else is helping us prepare. That way, I don't feel like all of the weight of wedding planning is on just my shoulders, and I can breathe knowing there are others who know what needs to be accomplished.

Spend more intentional time together as a couple.

Protect your relationship as a couple. This might sound defensive, but unless you intentionally schedule time with your beloved during these busy weeks, it's not going to happen. It's important to cling to one another during this time. You are both about to experience a life-changing moment together. Engagement is a time of new challenges and maybe unexpected difficulties. Whatever stresses, worries and fears that you are experiencing, these are opportunities for you to grow stronger as a couple. But you can't do that unless you spend time together! Set apart time each week where you do not plan or talk about your upcoming nuptials (or at least keep the wedding chatter to a minimum) and just enjoy each other's company. Take time to still get to know your fiancé and fall even more in love together. Cherish this special time.

Take time for self-care.

 As Nicole Caruso mentioned in our Bridal Makeup Tutorial, it's incredibly important as a bride to take time for self-care. It might be the last thing on your mind, but when you don't take time to prepare yourself, mentally, emotionally and physically, for your new life as a wife, you can fall into the trap of losing perspective. Make sure to schedule time for not only prayer, but doing things that you love. That can be working out, taking a yoga class, reading a book from your favorite genre, attending counseling, taking a bath with your favorite bath salts or getting a massage. I'd highly recommend journaling during this time as well. Journaling helps me assess where I am emotionally and spiritually. Whatever self-care means to you, take time to do something just for yourself and relax. 

Let it go.

 In the words of Elsa, let it go. During your final weeks of engagement, remain focused on why you're getting married in the first place. You are being called into a sacred union with your beloved and Jesus Christ. Along with your to-do list, create a list of things that you are okay with not getting done before your wedding day. These might be last-minute DIY projects or fun ideas that just aren't getting executed. It's okay if not everything comes together as you had imagined. Your wedding day is just one day and at the end of it, you'll be married, which is all that matters!

Let go of any pressure that others, or you, are putting on yourself and go with the flow. If the florist doesn't get your order quite right or the ring bearers' suits aren't the perfect color, it's still going to be a beautiful day. Enjoy these last days of being a bride and soak up every moment. It only happens once! 

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About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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Joined by Grace: 2 Marriage Ministers on Prayer Together + Getting the Most Out of Your Marriage Prep

Despite being “ever ancient, ever new,” eternal and divine, some more human elements of the Church, particularly ministry, vary widely across dioceses and parishes. And so vary the lives of their attendees. If you’re preparing for a sacrament, particularly marriage, you’ve been somewhere different than anyone else and any other couple in the room: we are loved and willed into existence; we are planned; we walk the road of providence, whether we realize it or not.

Maybe you’re reading this as you’re revisiting the Church for your wedding and are looking for answers on the reasons behind seemingly arbitrary teachings and traditions. Maybe you’re already familiar and on board with the theology of marriage, and are looking for something more beyond the basics. Here’s a gesture, on our part, to help you experience and appreciate your marriage prep program with fresh eyes.

Teri and John Bosio are the creators of Ave Maria Press’s Joined by Grace marriage prep program, a sacramental approach to making good on your vows for a lifetime. The Bosios recently released a prayer book to accompany the program, and you, by inviting the Father into your dialogue as a couple. The book is a simple, beautifully designed resource with both the basics of Catholic spirituality and prayers alongside lesser-known devotions.

No matter what preparation program you’re enrolled in and no matter where you are in your spiritual life, it’s our hope that this recent conversation with Teri and John illuminates ways to make your preparations more personal, less one size fits all, and ways to take part in the life of the Church.

For couples who haven't shared a prayer life before, what steps do you recommend for finding a starting point and creating a routine?  

Engagement is such an important moment in your life as a couple. This is the time when new directions are charted, new habits formed, and decisions made that will influence your life for years to come. For couples wondering where to begin with prayer, our recommendation is to start with what you have in common--your love for each other, and the gratitude for how you feel.

One of you might say to the other, “Do you mind if we say a prayer of thanks to God for bringing us together?” Then, say the simplest prayer that comes to mind, such as the Our Father, or any others. This might be the start, or the continuation, of a conversation about how to make prayer part of your faith life, even if you are from different religious tradition. Engagement is a time to start your prayer traditions, including prayers before meals, evening prayers, and others. 

For those who already pray together and are looking to delve deeper during this time of preparation for marriage, what prayers or habits can they turn to?

We’d recommend praying in community. None of us can live in isolation. Researchers are finding that marriages connected to the life of their church community receive from it great spiritual and social support. The parish is where we are born spiritually in Baptism, and we return to the parish regularly for our nourishment through the sacraments. Although your parish after the wedding may be different and far away, it’s still valuable and important to participate in the life of the parish where you live at the time.

Make it a habit to attend Mass regularly, make use of the sacrament of Penance, adopt spiritual practices like the rosary or Eucharistic Adoration, and participate in acts of service with your parish community. You’ll find your parish becomes your extended family wherever you live, for the rest of your life. It can be a great source of strength and support, especially when you encounter challenges.

The marriage prep program the two of you designed, Joined by Grace, prioritizes the sacraments as a framework for married life. What are some ways couples can practically live out a sacramental mentality during engagement and, later, in marriage?

Joined by Grace invites couples to love each other as Christ loves the Church. One notable place Catholics personally experience this love is in the seven sacraments. You’re encouraged to answer the question, “What does the Bridegroom--Christ--do for his Bride--the Church--in each sacrament that I need to do for my spouse?”

For example, in Baptism we experience Christ’s forgiveness and acceptance. He shares his life with us and welcomes us into his Father’s family. Engaged couples learn from Christ the importance of mutual acceptance, without which no marriage can survive. Such acceptance is expressed in listening to each other attentively and respectfully, adjusting to one another’s habits, bearing with the other’s annoying quirks, being patient, and appreciating each other’s uniqueness and differences.

In Confirmation we experience God’s love through his commitment to be present to us with the Holy Spirit.  The bishop seals us to Christ with sacred oil, and we receive the gifts of the Spirit. One of the most important qualities of spousal love is the commitment to always be present to each other: to trust, to pay attention, to stand by each other, to give support, and to stay focused on the needs of the other.

Similarly, from the sacrament of the Eucharist couples can see the importance of self-giving and sacrifice; from the Sacrament of Penance they learn forgiveness; from the Anointing of the Sick, compassion, and helping each other heal. And from Holy Orders and Matrimony, you learn to serve one another and together, serve God.

The practical skills and loving attitudes we learn from the sacraments are critical, and are renewed and strengthened through the graces you receive at every Mass.

Joined by Grace also encourages mentorship from other married couples. Any advice for newlyweds and spouses-to-be for connecting with other couples and finding community, particularly if one or both of them will be joining a new parish or relocating after the wedding?

If you currently aren’t an active member of your parish, working with a mentor couple is a great way to get started.

Your mentors can introduce you to your parish’s prayer and social life and help you meet other young couples. In our 44 years of marriage, we’ve received many blessings from actively participating in the life of our parishes. For us, that looked like going to Mass regularly, attending social functions, teach religious education to children and adults, serving on the parish council, singing in the choir, and serving as ministers at Mass.  

During times of relocation, we always prioritized finding a parish where we wanted to belong. These churches became for us our extended family, where in each one we met many friends who were there through joy, illnesses, celebrations, job losses, and family deaths. We do not feel alone. In moments of needs our friends pray for us and help us. The parish stands by us and holds us up when we fall down. Don’t remain isolated! When you are new in a city and on your own, go to Mass to the nearest parish, read the bulletin, find things you want to do and become involved--it will be a blessing for your marriage.

The two of you have now experienced many seasons of your marriage, from newlywed life on into grandparenthood, and have worked with many couples through your marriage prep ministry. What aspects or realities of married life would surprise engaged couples the most?

So many aspects of married life caught us by surprise! First, little things can appear to be big things, but they’re not. We've learned to accommodate things like toothpaste left in the sink and to adjust to one another’s ways of doing things.

Second, we looked forward to children and were blessed with two wonderful daughters. It required an adjustment to our lifestyle, from being a couple to being a family. It took time to navigate our roles as parents and to balance meeting each other’s needs with the needs of our children.   

Third, we found it can be all too easy to find ourselves going in different directions. When one of us went back to school at a time the other was frequently traveling for work, we found we had little free time to spend alone. We had to deliberately make time. We started scheduling and budgeting for a babysitter so we could regularly date, like we had before marriage.

Finally, we found strength in knowing we are not alone.

We can draw strength from each other in difficult moments: job changes, sickness, moves, and beyond. Each of us have learned there is nothing more reassuring in those dark moments than remembering our spouse, and God, stands by us, watching out for our common good and helping us work out of predicaments together.

Any wedding planning and marriage advice you’d like to share with our readers?

Your wedding only marks the beginning of your married life. One is a day; the other is a lifetime. During your marriage you’ll each continue growing as individuals and will constantly change--there might be days you don’t recognize each other! Agree now on how you’ll handle those surprises and what life throws at you.

When you encounter challenges, think back to these days of planning for your life together. Think about how your love story started. When times get tough and the problems seem bigger than both of you, agree now that you will to seek help through prayer and openness to professional counseling.

Our best advice for your wedding planning comes from Pope Francis’ The Joy of Love. He writes:

“Here let me say a word to fiancés. Have the courage to be different. Don’t let yourselves get swallowed up by a society of consumption and empty appearances. What is important is the love you share, strengthened and sanctified by grace. You are capable of opting for a more modest and simple celebration in which love takes precedence over everything else (212)."

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John and Teri Bosio are active in parish and family ministry, serving parishes and dioceses around the country and leading couples retreats and family ministry workshops for deacons and priests. They are the writers of Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program, and the accompanying Joined by Grace: A Catholic Prayer Book for Engaged and Newly Married Couples, from Ave Maria Press. They have produced three parish-based marriage enrichment programs, Six Dates for Catholic Couples, The Beatitudes: A Couple’s Path to Greater Joy, and Four Dates for Catholic Couples: The Virtues. The Bosios live in Nashville, Tennessee, and have two daughters and one grandchild.

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Newlywed Life | To Love + To Honor: the Learning Curve of Married Communication + the Learning Curve of Prayer

CARISSA PLUTA

Even with significant, comprehensive preparation, even with the purest intentions and highest hopes, the reality of marriage sometimes looks a lot different from what you've imagined. And that can be good: life together as man and wife is a mirror, a purification, a road to the Resurrection by which we can't avoid the Cross. Over the upcoming months, our contributor Carissa Pluta is sharing her insights into transition and developing deeper communication and honesty as a couple.

Photography: Visual Grace

When I told my husband Ben I was going to be writing about communication, he laughed. He knows me too well. Just the other day we got into an argument after he held up a blackened piece of toast, asking, “Is this too dark?”

It really had nothing to do with the toast. Ben thought he was doing something nice for his wife, and wanted to communicate that he cared about me and my toast preferences. But I heard the frustration in his voice after a tough evening, and thought that frustration was directed at me. There were so many other factors, so many minute (but important) details that turned what should have been a simple question into a half-hour argument.

While I have grown in my ability to communicate, especially in the ten months of our marriage, for me communication is the area of our relationship with the steepest learning curve.

When you get engaged, and then again when you enter into marriage, you quickly learn you need to communicate in ways you’ve never had to before. Your thoughts, your emotions, your words no longer just affect you. They profoundly and intimately affect your fiancé or spouse. It can be an exciting gift, to share so much of yourself with another, to be called to love someone in an entirely new way. But that doesn’t make it easy.

Early on, attempts to effectively communicate often lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and maybe even hurt feelings. It can frustrate us, and if you are anything like me, it sometimes leaves us wondering: Isn’t this supposed to be a happy time? Why does it seem like we are fighting all the time? Is there something wrong with our relationship? 

Even in healthy relationships, communicating well is a challenge.

Cultivating effective communication skills is similar to cultivating an effective prayer life—it requires time and patience. But more importantly, it requires vulnerability and openness, humility and reverence, love and the knowledge that we are loved.

Christ himself taught us--through his coming to us as a newborn child and a broken sacrifice on an altar--that prayer begins with vulnerability. Prayer is able to go deeper when we approach God knowing who we are when we stand before him. When we are able to go to the Lord, knowing we are both sinners and his daughters, we willingly present our whole selves to be received by him.

Vulnerability, according to Dr, Brené Brown, “sounds like truth and feels like courage.” It means allowing ourselves to be received in our entirety. But how can someone receive what we are unable or unwilling to hold out to them? We first need to understand our inner selves—our emotions, our thoughts, our motives, our weakness, our wounds. We have to take an open, honest look and humbly see the many different facets of our beings—both our imperfections and, sometimes with even more difficulty, our strengths. We have to reflect on the ways in which these things have shaped us over the years and how they affect our moment-to-moment.

For example, in the Great Toast Argument, I needed to step back and reflect on why I had reacted to Ben’s words the way I did. I had been having an incredibly difficult week, and that night was the breaking point. In my reflection I saw that much of my frustration stemmed from insecurities I had developed over many years; the lies that told me I was not good enough. I needed to feel loved, but when I heard frustration, I panicked and took on a defensive stance.

It wasn’t until I was able to communicate all this to my husband that he began to understand my troubled heart. It wasn’t until I understood how I was feeling that I was able to communicate it to him. Only through self-knowledge are we free to really begin sharing our interior life with our spouse. However, all too often communication stops after this self-expression.

Communication is usually seen as expressing how we feel or what we think. And while that is an important aspect, it goes deeper than that.

Communication is just as much--if not more--about the other as it is about us. After all, what would prayer be if we never allowed for God to speak to us? For this reason, it demands reverence. This reverence first begins with our bodies. Prayer begins with putting ourselves in a position that encourages our mind to contemplate heavenly things. We generally don’t pray very well laying down in our cozy beds because it is hard to focus on what we are saying or on what God is trying to tell us. Kneeling or sitting upright in a chapel or in front of a religious image lends itself to much more fruitful prayer.

Similarly, our body language is important for effective communication. If we put our bodies in a position of receptivity, it makes our souls more open to receiving. Eye contact, uncrossed arms, standing with an open space or sitting upright on the edge of your seat, a nod of the head, an encouraging smile: these nonverbal signals make up even more of our communication than what is said. Our posture encourages listening and it helps the other person know that they are being listened to.

Listening is more than a means to an end; we are not listening merely to be able to respond. Prayer is more than just a one-way monologue; we are not simply speaking at God. It is a conversation with the Divine. Both sides speak, and when we speak we know the Lord listens —should we not return this act of love?

But more than likely, the Lord’s words are not heard with our ears but with our hearts. We understand more through thinking and feeling than we do through our sense of hearing, and we come to a deeper knowledge of who God is and who we are in that process.

Conversations with our spouse should be similar: seeking to understand and to listen well. In our argument, instead of asking my husband why he was frustrated, I assumed it was directed at me and, in my own frustration, lashed out. Only when I finally listened to him, and tried to understand his side, was I able to see how my own personal struggles also affect my husband deeply. I was able to see his love for me manifested in his taking on my own suffering. When we listen to others, especially our spouse, we create a space for them in our hearts. We allow ourselves to more intimately enter into their lives, into their pain, their excitement, their sorrows, their joys. We begin to know and can even feel as they do.

Finally, as in all prayer, we look to Christ on the cross as our example and as our source of grace.

He came to us with utter vulnerability, hanging broken on the cross, and allowed us to receive his very life which poured out from his open wounds. He listened to the broken and troubled heart of his Beloved and because he listened. He took on our pain.

And in all of this, his message from the cross was clear. It is the same message we must communicate to our spouse in all we do and say: Let every word, every breath tenderly, and silently speak the words I love you.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta graduated from Franciscan University in 2014 with a degree in English and Communication Arts, and is currently pursuing her Masters. Carissa is the new wife of a Catholic missionary. She enjoys hiking, painting, and drinking copious amounts of herbal tea. Carissa has a devotion to Mary under the title of the Mystical Rose and longs to reflect God's beauty in everything she does.

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I Trust in You: 4 Ways to Live Out Divine Mercy as a Couple

This weekend the Church celebrates Divine Mercy Sunday, the name and feast given the second Sunday of Easter by Saint John Paul II at Saint Faustina’s canonization seventeen years ago. The message of Divine Mercy is powerfully simple: Jesus longs to draw us intimately close to his Sacred Heart and to pour out his forgiveness and grace, if only we accept his invitation. “Know that as often as you come to Me,” Christ said to Faustina, “humbling yourself and asking My forgiveness, I pour out a superabundance of graces on your soul, and your imperfection vanishes before My eyes, and I see only your love and your humility. You lose nothing but gain much.”

As spouses are called to love and sanctify each other with Christ-like love, incorporating a Divine Mercy-oriented spirituality into your relationship, one fixed on the heart of Jesus, can make manifest his love in your sacramental life and in the practicals of discussion and problem-solving. Consider…

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURA AND MATTHEW AS SEEN IN SARAH AND JACOB’S FLAWLESS FALL WEDDING

Setting regular confession dates.

The clearer the path between your soul and God, the better disposed you are to receive the graces he so desperately desires to bestow and the clearer the path between you and your fiancé or spouse. Because most parishes offer weekly confessions, it can be easy to put off reconciliation until next week, or the next, or the next. Designating one or two Saturdays a month to attend confession and Mass together, followed by a brunch or dinner date, keeps the both of you accountable for meeting Jesus in the sacrament, encourages frequent self-examination, and constantly forces you to your knees, aware of our deep need for the Father’s love and mercy.

Resolving arguments more simply.

This doesn’t necessarily mean hashing out every disagreement to perfection before allowing yourselves to move on; so many relational, family, or virtue-related issues are complex works in progress that aren’t always easily solved. What it does mean is being quick to acknowledge whatever your current struggle is and to meet it with love: listen without interruption, hold hands, use eye contact, and perhaps even offer a smile as you talk. Above all, be generous in forgiveness. A ready “I forgive you,” spoken sincerely and without a grudge, can ease small wounds and sharp words as you work through arguments.

Cultivating a constantly deeper openness to God’s will.

“Every hour is a precious boon,” sings Andrew Peterson. “Every breath is a mercy.” He’s right. It’s been said that Jesus’ message of mercy is closely tied to his providence and to the Father’s will for every person. If, in God’s greatness, perfect mercy is perfect love, then any occurrence in our lives can be viewed as a gift of love, even in suffering, because he wills for us to know him and who he is--in goodness, generosity, and tenderness. Develop a habit of asking Jesus to reveal to you his Father’s will, and of meaning it in a real way. A heart of obedience and service can be much easier to develop in theory than in practice, yet the more often we call upon Jesus to draw us into his heart and show us God’s loving mercy, the easier it becomes to take in and truly live out the words, “thy will be done.”

Entrusting yourselves to Our Lady.

The 1981 attempt on John Paul II’s life took place on the anniversary of Mary’s first appearance at Fatima, a date the Pope knew couldn’t be attributed to mere coincidence. Months later, he would set the bullet that pierced him into the crown of the official statue of Our Lady of Fatima. He called his journey to Portugal “a pilgrimage of thanksgiving ‘to the mercy of God...and the Mother of Christ,’” emphasizing that devotion to Mary points us directly at the heart of her son.

The closeness between Jesus’ Sacred Heart and Mary’s Immaculate Heart is so deep, so profound that it’s a mystery in every sense. The ultimate loving mother, Our Lady desires only to bring us to her son. Developing a devotion to her, through the Rosary or spoken prayer, frequently invoking her intercession, and/or through total consecration to her, infuses our own lives with an earthly taste of her deep love for and union with Christ.

Humility, forgiveness, rest: an encounter with the divine. Mercy abounds in countless, varied experiences of Jesus’ love and, with intention and purpose, can bring his love into your engagement and marriage in a tangible way.

This is My Body, Given Up for You: Good Friday Meditations for Couples

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Whether you're seriously dating, engaged, or married, Good Friday can be an opportunity for you and your significant other to reflect on the meaning of authentic love: willing the good of the other as other. That is what Christ did for each of us on the Cross, and it is what we are all called to do for our brothers and sisters. Those who are called to marriage are vowed to this kind of sacrificial love, no matter how painful it might be at times. To that end, we've put together a collection of short meditations on the Cross, all from the writings of our beloved theologian/Pope Emeritus/spiritual grandfather: Joseph Ratzinger. 

1. "Only love purifies us and gives us the ability to see."  

"Your face, Lord, do I seek. Hide not your face from me" (Psalm 27:8-9). Veronica -- Bernice, in the Greek tradition -- embodies the universal yearning of the devout men and women of the Old Testament, the yearning of all believers to see the face of God. On Jesus' Way of the Cross, though, she at first did nothing more than perform an act of womanly kindness: she held out a facecloth to Jesus. She did not let herself be deterred by the brutality of the soldiers or the fear which gripped the disciples. She is the image of that good woman, who, amid turmoil and dismay, shows the courage born of goodness and does not allow her heart to be bewildered. "Blessed are the pure in heart," the Lord had said in his Sermon on the Mount, "for they shall see God" (Matthew 5:8). At first, Veronica saw only a buffeted and pain-filled face. Yet her act of love impressed the true image of Jesus on her heart: on his human face, bloodied and bruised, she saw the face of God and his goodness, which accompanies us even in our deepest sorrows. Only with the heart can we see Jesus. Only love purifies us and gives us the ability to see. Only love enables us to recognize the God who is love itself. (Joseph Ratzinger, Meditations on the Stations of the Cross)

2. "An inexhaustible torrent of merciful love."

Contemplating the crucified One with the eyes of faith, we can understand in depth what sin is, how tragic is its gravity, and at the same time, how immense is the Lord's power of forgiveness and mercy...Let us not distance our hearts from this mystery of profound humanity and lofty spirituality. Looking at Christ, we feel at the same time looked at by him. He whom we have pierced with our faults never tires of pouring out upon the world an inexhaustible torrent of merciful love. (Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, Angelus, 2/25/07)

3.  "The world is redeemed by the patience of God." 

This is God’s sign: he himself is love. How often we wish that God would make show himself stronger, that he would strike decisively, defeating evil and creating a better world. All ideologies of power justify themselves in exactly this way, they justify the destruction of whatever would stand in the way of progress and the liberation of humanity. We suffer on account of God’s patience. And yet, we need his patience. God, who became a lamb, tells us that the world is saved by the Crucified One, not by those who crucified him. The world is redeemed by the patience of God. It is destroyed by the impatience of man. (Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, Inaugural Homily as Pope)

4. "True love is an event of dying." 

True love is an event of dying, a stepping aside before the other and on behalf of the other. We do not want to die like that. We just want to remain ourselves, enjoying life to the full without any disturbance and without sharing it with anyone else. We do not perceive..that we are destroying our own future through our greed for life and handing over our life itself to death. (Joseph Ratzinger, The God of Jesus Christ)

5. "From the Cross the word love recovers its uniqueness."

“. . .we find ourselves in a strange situation: we have no choice but to speak of love if we are not to betray God and man, but it is almost impossible to do so because our language has already betrayed love so often. In such a situation, our help must come from without. God speaks to us of love; “Holy Scripture” which is God’s word cast in human words, raises the word, as it were, out of the dust, purifies it and restores it to us, cleansed. Scripture makes it shine again by placing it at the source of its luminosity — in the mystery of Jesus Christ. From the Cross the word love recovers its uniqueness. Men need more than just grasping and holding; they need understanding, which gives power to their actions and their hands; they also need perception, hearing, reason that reaches to the bottom of the heart. And only when understanding remains open to reason, which is greater that it is, can it be genuinely rational and acquire true knowledge. If you do not love, you do not know (cf. 1 John 4:8). (Joseph Ratzinger, Homily, 1985, from Co-Workers of the Truth)