Finding a Beautiful Wedding Gown on a Budget

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Like many women, I imagined my wedding day as a little girl: the church, the flowers, the handsome groom, and the dress. I remember being fascinated by my aunts’ and cousins’ dresses when I went to their weddings as a girl. They looked so beautiful and princess-like, even in the 80s and early 90s when the bridal gown trends toward puffed sleeves and hats with veils attached left something to be desired.

As I grew older, my taste changed, but my desire to look and feel beautiful on my wedding day did not. Even if you’re not a “girly girl” or particularly into fashion, you probably want the same thing. Your wedding dress is something you'll wear while you and your husband-to-be confer the sacrament of marriage on one another, so it makes sense to put some time and thought into it, even if you’re not sartorially inclined. (Note: There is nothing in Catholic tradition or teaching that stipulates that brides must wear a fancy dress, a white dress, or any particular garment on their wedding day.)

But what about the cost? As Catholics, we are called to be good stewards of our money, and anyone who has ever gone to a bridal salon knows that even the lower-end wedding dresses can be priced in the thousands of dollars. If you’re concerned about sticker shock, are on a tight budget, or just can’t stomach the idea of paying more than X amount of money for a dress you’ll only wear for one day, I have good news for you: you can still find a beautiful wedding dress that you love without breaking the bank. You just have to get creative! Below are a few tips and tricks I learned while shopping for my dress, which was a sample dress that I got at a consignment bridal salon, and from friends and family who found their dresses in unconventional places.

Go to a Fancy Salon First to Get a Feel for What You Like

A nice bridal salon is a good place to get a feel for different wedding dress styles, what’s flattering (and not) on you, what materials and fabrics you like, etc. There is no law that says you can’t go to a nice bridal salon, try on a few dresses, and then leave empty-handed. Plus, it’s just fun to go to a nice salon with your girlfriends/sisters/mom and try on pretty dresses.

Know Your Budget, And Stick To It

This is a tough one, but it really makes a difference in the shopping process. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the sheer number of options, but if you have a clear idea not only of what styles you like, but what price points you can afford, everything will go more smoothly.  

Visit Consignment/Sample Dress Shops in Your Area

I found my dress at Second Summer Bride, a consignment bridal salon where most of the dresses are marked down at least 50% from the original price. I went expecting all of the dresses to be pre-owned, but was pleasantly surprised that many of them were sample dresses that were past-season and hadn’t been worn before. Since I wasn’t looking for anything trendy, I didn’t mind that the dresses were from previous seasons, and I ended up finding my dress (which I loved) in less than an hour. The best part (aside from the price): I was able to take the dress out of the store that day, instead of going back to the salon multiple times for fittings, which you typically have to do if you go the fancy bridal salon route.

Detail of my wedding dress from Second Summer Bride. Photo by Leah Muse Photography.

Purchase a Pre-owned Dress Online

After going to several bridal salons, including a couple of consignment stores, my sister found her dress at PreOwnedWeddingDresses.com. The bride who originally wore it had it designed to look like one of Kate Middleton’s dresses, and although it needed alterations to fit my sister, the beauty and price point of the dress was too good to pass up. Other sites, like eBay and Craigslist, also have pre-owned and sample dresses available, but be sure to double-check the return policy before purchasing anything.

Look into the Possibility of a Custom Dress

Believe it or not, a custom made dress can be less expensive than a store-bought dress. If you find a good seamstress in your area (or even online), you can save money and get exactly what you want. Win, win.

Consider Borrowing a Dress from a Family Member or Friend

I know more than one bride who borrowed a friend/family member’s dress for her big day. Obviously, this is a big money-saver, but it can also be a beautiful way to honor your mother, grandmother, or sister at your wedding. If the thought of wearing the exact same dress as someone else is unpalatable to you, remember that your choice of accessories and some minor alterations can make a dress feel brand new.

My sister in the dress she got from Pre-owned Wedding Dresses. Photo by Leah Muse Photography.

Regardless of where you decide to purchase your dress, I hope these tips encourage you to think outside the bridal salon box. And if you purchased a dress from an unconventional source, please share with us in the comments!

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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How He Asked | Annie + Kelvin

Annie and Kelvin met in the summer of 2015 at their parish's young adult group. Annie was about to start her senior year at the University of Miami, and being home for the summer, desired to find a Catholic community to get involved with while away from her campus ministry. Kelvin was working as a mechanical engineer and had been attending this group for a few years.

Sharing an interest in learning about and discussing the Catholic faith, Annie and Kelvin became friendly acquaintances. After getting to know one another throughout the summer, when the time came for Annie to return to school, Kelvin asked for her number so that they could stay in touch. Throughout the school year, Annie and Kelvin's friendship deepened until it was clear the Lord was calling them to marry one another.

In Annie's words: I knew there was something unspoken between us, but I wanted Kelvin to make the first move. I didn't know if we would make a good match due to our personality differences, since I am very extroverted and Kelvin appeared to be quiet, serious, and introspective. I quickly became impatient with the pace of our developing friendship, wanting things to progress faster, so I had to constantly remind myself that if this was the Lord's will, it would happen in His time. 

After ten months of friendship, we entered into an exclusive dating relationship and eventually began discussing marriage. Fast forward eleven months to March 25th, 2017, the solemnity of the Annunciation: we were kneeling before Jesus present in the Blessed Sacrament at an adoration chapel, and  Kelvin proposed, asking me to be his "beloved, betrothed, and wife." Through tears of absolute joy, I said YES!

We decided to do a betrothal ceremony after reading about it online, and I'm so glad we did. It was more than a blessing of the engagement--it was a solemn vow to love the other with a self-sacrificial love, like Jesus, and keep the upcoming sacrament of Matrimony as the focus of the engagement. 

We had already decided we wanted all major milestones in their relationship to be centered around Marian feast days, due to our devotion to Our Lady, so our Betrothal Ceremony was on May 13th, 2017 - the 100th Anniversary of the apparition of Our Lady of Fatima! We invited close friends, family, and the wedding party. The ceremony was celebrated by Kelvin's spiritual director, a retired priest of the Diocese of Palm Beach, Father Brian Flanagan, and was followed by a Mass celebrating the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima. 

 It was definitely an interesting experience inviting people and talking about the Betrothal Ceremony. The most popular response was, "I've never been to one." My favorite response to that was, "Neither have I!" This was a new and beautiful experience for both Kelvin and I, and our guests. The most exciting part was the witness we were giving to authentic love, and putting Christ at the center of our relationship. We didn't want to make our engagement and wedding planning about ourselves and all the fancy things, but the fact that the Lord has called us to go outside of ourselves, and lay down our lives for the other in the sacrament of Matrimony. 

Annie and Kelvin will be married on October 7th, 2017 at the same church where they met.

Photography: Soulshine Creative | Proposal - Saint Jude Catholic Church, Tequesta, FL | Betrothal Ceremony - Cathedral of Saint Ignatius Loyola, Palm Beach Gardens, FL | Ring: JARED The Galleria of Jewelry

5 Bridesmaids' Retailers Outside the Bridal Salon Box

There is something radiantly, visibly evident and set apart at the nuptial Mass of a holy, pure-hearted couple, one who understands and embraces taking up the crosses and sweetnesses of marriage. Authentic love has the power to render wedding guests speechless and full of true joy.

When you’ve chosen women of faith and selflessness to stand beside you at the altar, you can be sure their spiritual intercession and ability to enter into your joy will bless your marriage. Being able to share in a friend’s emotional state so deeply is a mark of real friendship and intimacy that tangibly enhances the beauty of a couple’s wedding day.

Elizabeth M Photography

It follows that when it comes to your bridesmaids’ attire, you’ll most likely desire an outward look that magnifies and highlights each woman’s inner beauty. If you’re beginning your search for dresses, we’d like to suggest a few paths less traveled.

Here’s a semi-secret of the wedding industry: bridesmaids’ dresses get a significant markup at bridal shops. Fortunately, alternatives to traditional bridal retailers not only offer an opportunity to save your best ladies some cash, but one to find attire that truly suits your style.  Here, five non-bridal brands with wide and beautiful selections, with plenty under $100:

For everyone: Nordstrom Juniors

As a department store, Nordstrom naturally has pieces to suit any taste, including youthful, elegant Juniors’ formal wear, as well as simpler day and evening dresses, at far lower prices than the designer-heavy Women’s department, and in a wide range of sizes.

If your style is bohemian: Francesca’s Collections

Maybe you’ve shopped here before or have browsed Francesca’s at the mall. The feminine, delicate styles here would fit right in at a casually romantic daytime wedding: lace, embroidery, and a selection of soft colors. They also carry gorgeous jewelry and accessories for your bridesmaids...and for you, the bride!

If you love styles with a nod to the past: Shabby Apple

Featuring different collections that each invoke a particular time and place--Old Hollywood, for instance, or tailored Mad Men-style silhouettes--Shabby Apple’s beautiful dresses have a vintage sensibility that’s never costumey or overdone, just pretty. The company recently expanded from its origins as a small business, maintaining along the way its inspiring mission to dress women with feminine strength “Because they are beautiful. Because they are powerful. Because they have unique distinctions. Because they can use that power and beauty to shape and change the world in individual ways. Because they have always contributed.”

If you like the classics: Dorothy Perkins

The Dorothy Perkins brand might best be described as Red-era Taylor Swift : a little bit classic, a little bit preppy, lots of florals, looks good with red lips. This online retailer offers dozens of styles with one of the widest size ranges available and also offers maternity versions of their popular dresses, both of which get our applause.

If you’re a minimalist: Zara

You’ve probably shopped here, too. Zara’s neutral palette and elegant, spare silhouettes are worth a look if you’ve chosen dark wedding colors (particularly black) and are drawn to a clean, simple aesthetic. Alternatively, their distinctively bold, bright floral patterns would be well-suited to a daytime celebration.

If your wedding is months away, consider shopping for dresses during or right after the season in which your big day will take place. That is, look around for summer wedding dresses in the summer, and winter wedding dresses in the winter; since most non-bridal retailers don’t offer the same selections or types of clothes year-round, it’s smart to plan ahead. Consider these suggestions a starting point for venturing beyond the bridal salon, and if you’ve found beautiful wedding party attire from a less conventional retailer, be sure to share it with our community in the comments or on our social media!

Navigating Emotional Intimacy During Engagement

STEPHANIE CALIS

People laugh when he tells them, but the anxiety my husband felt the night he proposed to me, lying awake in my parents basement and wondering, What exactly did we just commit to? was genuine. With a ring on my finger after only a year of friendship that included eight months of dating, our relationship was graced with so many moments of clarity, wonder, and certainty from the Holy Spirit prior to our engagement. There was zero doubt in our minds that our lives’ vocations were to lead each other to heaven in marriage. But simply because such little time had passed, so much of who we were remained a mystery to one another.

We knew each other’s lives and stories in broad strokes, but not all of the more subtle memories and experiences that naturally come to light over a longer period of friendship. We’d watched an episode of The Office on one of our first dates, where I’d tried to minimize my laughter during the more inappropriate moments (if I’d been brave enough to glance over, I would've seen him doing the same thing). So far, we’d pretty much kept all potentially embarrassing bodily functions to ourselves. The questions hung in the air, circling through my husband’s mind that night--an instance he recognizes in hindsight as a spiritual attack: how deeply did we really know each other? Enough to promise and step forward toward a real life together? When would it be okay to reveal our less polite weaknesses and, moreover, our deepest faults?

Regardless of whether your fiancé is someone you’ve known for years or if, like me, you’ve only been in each other’s lives for a short time, these questions of knowledge and emotional intimacy might have arisen in your own heart. As you navigate the first weeks and months of engagement and their accompanying sense of gravity and deeper permanence in your relationship (particularly if you’ve chosen to have a betrothal ceremony), you might notice there’s a real, yet undefinable difference between dating and engagement that goes beyond just wedding plans. To the surprise of this girl who loves the challenge of finding the right word for the right moment and right feeling, I wished so often to be able to easily identify what set our engagement apart into a simple word or two, yet it wasn’t so easy to do that.

In turn, I encourage you not to rush to name or identify exactly what that difference is in your own relationship. Instead, press into total trust and surrender in the Father’s will for the two of you, at this particular time. But, knowing something new about your relationship is distinct from knowing something new about the man you’ll marry. These months of preparation, with their inherent nature of more time spent together, increased decision-making, and formal marriage prep, are a time of deeper self-knowledge and self-revelation. Here, a few points to consider in letting your emotional intimacy develop naturally as you and your beloved prepare to approach the altar.

Even on your busiest days, spend time in quality conversation.

Engaged couples are frequently advised to keep their marriage in mind, not just their wedding days. I encourage you to take this wisdom a step further: rather than solely looking to the future, be mindful of a sense of presence in your right-now, particularly in your everyday conversation. Discovering something new about a loved one is one of the human heart’s greatest delights. Set apart periodic dates to take the night off from wedding talk, challenge each other to tell a story the other has never heard before, or flip through a question and answer book like 101 Conversation Starters for Couples by Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages.

Be at peace with topics you don’t see eye-to-eye on.

I vividly remember one late-night trip from my parents’ house back to my apartment in another city, the whole drive of which my husband and I spent on the phone, arguing about capitalism. Spirited debates like this one, involving some degree of passion and obstinacy but that don’t flip your world on its axis, don’t mean you’re incompatible, just that you are, in fact, two unique persons with distinctive viewpoints. As for issues that do directly affect your relationship and life together--for me, the avenue my husband and I will choose for our children’s education comes to mind--know that it’s alright to table certain topics until they’re more relevant to the season you’re in. And, perhaps like me, you’ll be surprised to find down the road that viewpoints the two of you previously differed on might have become more similar with time.

Be prudent, yet vulnerable, in revealing more of yourselves.

Part of what makes love so intoxicating is the joy of being seen, known, understood. It’s natural that as you and your beloved draw closer to the sacrament of marriage, the desire to know and be known only increases. While it’s important to share things like long-time sins or other concerns that could affect your marriage in a healthy way--i.e. in a way that isn’t done simply for the sake of growing closer, but for the sake of honesty, accountability, and calling one another on--it’s equally important to trust in your spouse-to-be’s love for you. Imperfection is our reality, but with God’s help, total forgiveness, acceptance, and encouragement are possible. Self-revelatory conversations like these often come up naturally, but if there’s a particular issue one of you intentionally desires to keep hidden, a deeper wound might need addressing. Seek pastoral or professional help in bringing up this matter with your intended. Admitting your weakness is so scary, but strengthens your marriage even before it starts. On that note…

Consider counseling or therapy as a supplement to your marriage prep.

If, in your past, one or both of you has experienced issues like abuse, mental health troubles, addictions, or destructive behavior, rest in knowing the Father’s mercy and healing never, ever run dry, even when healing is painful. Issues like these can greatly benefit from therapy or counseling as you prepare for marriage; find Associate Editor Christina Dehan Jaloway’s advice on and experience with pre-marital counseling here.

Above all else as your emotional bond deepens during engagement, remember that regardless of how well you know the smallest details and intricacies of your beloved, love remains a choice. During our marriage prep, our mentor couple told my husband and I that it’s impossible to ever fully know another person’s soul. They’re right, and that’s not a bad thing! What a gift we’re given in marriage to continually glimpse the reality of another, as he is, more fully, and to accept God’s invitation to love as he does.

Images by Red Fern Photography.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Emily + Aaron | College Memories Wedding

Aaron and Emily met in college, and after developing a solid friendship--through daily Mass, involvement in campus ministry, and Facebook messenger--they both began to desire a dating relationship. As they began their sophomore year, Emily knew that she was in love with Aaron. To her delight and surprise, the feeling was mutual. One evening shortly thereafter, Emily and Aaron began dating after praying together in the campus chapel. "It was in that moment that I knew this man was going to be my husband someday," Emily recalls. Three years later, Aaron proposed in the same chapel where they began dating, and the chapel where they eventually married. 

From the Bride: Our wedding was all about details: From draping my First Communion rosary through my bouquet and Aaron wearing cufflinks I’d given him during our first year to carefully selected Mass readings, and ditching cake for an ice cream sundae bar at the reception (and having cake pops as favors), our personality was stamped on everything. Instead of floral centerpieces, I put together four 3-sided picture frames for each table that had photos of Aaron and me during our childhood with the people sitting at the table. Watching everyone pass them around the table throughout the reception and reminisce was a scene I will always treasure.

One of my favorite parts of wedding planning (and one that all of the guests are still talking about!) was writing individual notes to each guest on the inside of his or her place card. Everyone still asks me how I had the time to write all of those notes by hand, but for me, it was the most calming and rewarding part of the whole planning process. In the midst of chaos, I had the opportunity to take a moment and think of each person attending our wedding in a deeply personal way.

One challenge I faced during the planning was struggling to word the section in our program on reception of Communion. We were going to have several non-Catholic family members and friends in attendance, and I realized that our wedding may be the one time in our entire lives that we could truly evangelize to our loved ones. 

With that idea in mind, I started writing, and what had originally begun as a sentence or two about who could receive Communion turned into a double-sided insert in our wedding program that talked about the Mass, the symbolism behind exchanging rings, the importance of the readings, why Catholics have to get married in a church, and offering flowers to Mary in a lighthearted tone that reflected our wedding style while also offering us a chance to lovingly share our faith with our family and friends.

Our wedding day brought about an uncharacteristic calm in me. I’d always imagined myself pacing up and down the house on the morning of my wedding, freaking out about last minute details and getting cold feet, but instead I slept in, went to confession, and prepared for the day with peace and joy in my heart. 

Instead of renting limousines, I has asked my parents to drive me to the chapel in our blue minivan, the same one they’d brought me to the school in for the first time. As is characteristic for Aaron and me, there was a torrential downpour by the time we arrived, but the rain only rattled my nerves for a moment before I regained a reigning sense of peace.

Our wedding Mass was beautiful and flew by in a whirlwind of emotions. My former pastor celebrated the Mass and offered a beautiful reflection on God’s presence in our relationship. At the end of the homily, I suddenly realized with a jolt the moment I’d been waiting all my life for was here, and it felt like the whole rest of the room melted away and it was just Aaron, me, and God. The best part was getting to giddily whisper “We’re married!” to Aaron afterward.

God’s extra wedding present to us was stopping the rain after Mass, allowing us to take pictures with the picturesque Hudson River in the background.

All my life, people had always told me that my parents’ wedding was the best they’d ever attended because of its simplicity and fun atmosphere. I had always desired that sort of wedding, so hearing everyone tell me that ours was the best wedding they’ve ever attended made me so proud. Despite all of my planning and worries, God made the day even better than I could have imagined, and we feel so grateful to have begun our marriage with such a blessed day.

Emily's Spiritual Takeaway: I saw God working through our wedding because everyone there was truly the best version of themselves. Aaron and I marveled as normally straight-laced family members partied on the dance floor and old friends smiled for the first time in years. Months later, everyone is still talking about how amazing it was and how ours was the best wedding they’ve ever been to. I believe that Aaron’s and my genuine love for one another and joy to finally be married simply spilled over to everyone else. Which leads me to believe that our mission as a couple did not end on our wedding day. Our marriage is not just about us; as we witnessed on our wedding day, the way we interact as a couple and love one another affects those around us for the better. After our wedding, I realized that, when I married Aaron, I not only signed up to work on getting him to heaven, but also took on the task of getting others to heaven through him. 

Photography: Newman Photos and E-Von Photography | Church: Founders Chapel-Mount Saint Mary College| Reception - Poughkeepsie Grand Hotel | Wedding Dress, Bridesmaids' Dresses, Veil, and Accessories: David's Bridal| Bride's Shoes: Elegant Park | Groom and Groomsmen's Tuxes: Men's Wearhouse | DJ: Soundsational Party | Flowers: Lucille's Floral | Videographer: Best of Times Video | Rings: Kinston Fine Jewelry and Michael's Jewelers | Cake Pops: Busy Bee Cake Pops

Editors' Picks | Vol. 8: Honeymoon Essentials

At Spoken Bride, we love a good book, a good meal, a standout statement necklace, a heel you can dance in, and the list goes on. And when we make those discoveries, we want to tell everyone. So every month or two, we're sharing our latest and favorite finds in everything engagement, wedding, and honeymoon-related.

In honor of our own Social Media Coordinator Elise Crawford Gallagher’s very recent nuptials, we’re sharing our favorite travel essentials for a romantic getaway as Elise takes this month to relax and soak in her first days of newlywed life with her new husband, Hunter!

Elise, Social Media Coordinator

Board & Card Games: I was so blessed to have one of my bridesmaids and best friends hand me a “honeymoon gift bag” the day of my wedding. She packed lots of yummy snacks, some coconut oil, and card games. After a crazy few weeks leading up to the wedding, Hunter and I had fun spending some downtime just playing games and relaxing.

Travel Bag: One of my favorite delights of wedding planning was receiving unexpected gifts in the mail! While I mostly kept my registry items to things we need for our new home, I decided on a whim to add this overnight bag to my Anthropologie registry. I felt so spoiled and special when one of our family friends sent it to me! I was nice to receive something just for myself and to remember our honeymoon by. Hunter was gifted this duffel bag and loves it as well.

Charger Roll-Up: It’s so simple, but this roll-up pack can help keep your chargers and wires organized during your busy travels. I hate having to dig around in my purse and luggage to find my chargers. This way, you can charge your phone as soon as you get to your hotel room!

A Shared Book: Although Hunter and I didn’t plan enough ahead to do this on our own honeymoon, I think it would be so romantic to read a book together while traveling. It could be nonfiction, or a piece of theology you’ve been meaning to read. You can take turns reading to one another out loud, and you'll forever remember that book as the one you read together on your special trip.

Jiza, Creative Director and Co-Founder

Simple Cleansing Facial Wipes: We all know skincare is super important, but when you are traveling, the change of environment and/or eating out can wreak havoc on your skin. I always bring along gentle cleansing facial wipes for the ease of packing, particularly this brand since it's also free of dyes, artificial perfumes, or harsh irritants that can further upset your skin.

Yelp App: I heavily depend on Yelp ratings and reviews every time we go anywhere new. Particularly if you love discovering and supporting local small businesses, this is a great app to have on hand. On occasion, businesses will also offer deals and special savings to “unlock” when you go check them out.

Packing Cubes: Sharing a suitcase? Packing cubes are a nice way to keep things separate and organized. They minimize having to dig around in your suitcase just to find that one sock or elusive bathing suit bottom, and I also like that that the cubes keep you accountable with not overpacking.

Mesh Bag: This is for dirty laundry, because you will definitely have some by the end of your trip! Toss in your used clothes each day for the ease of washing them once you return home.

Andi, Business Director

Scott’s Cheap Flights: Daily emails for this service are free, or you can opt for premium service for $39 a year. In a nutshell, Scott's researches travel deals and shares the best finds and how to get them. If you’re planning to travel internationally in the next year, this one is a must!

Bobbi Brown Blush: I don’t wear a ton of makeup, but this blush is my daily staple. It helps in making you look alive after hours of travel to your destination!

Mass Times: My family uses this app whenever we are more than 20 miles from home and need to find a Mass. It’s never let us down, even with international travel.

Quart-Sized Baggies: I realize that this probably the least romantic thing to pack, but hear me out. Our family likes to bring home little treasures from wherever we visit. We currently collect a sand from every beach we visit for our sand jar, for instance, and on a recent hike, my kids brought home an insane amount of quartz. These mementos are such a sweet reminder of our travels, and you’ll need something sturdy to take home heftier items like sand and rocks. Other practical uses: TSA lets you take one of these with liquids on a plane, good for holding wet laundry, packing up leftovers, and keeping small things like undies and socks organized in your suitcase.

Christina, Associate Editor

All-purpose wipes: My husband Kristian and I honeymooned in a less developed country--Nicaragua--and did quite a bit of exploring. It was so nice having these wipes on hand for less-than-optimal bathroom situations, cleaning our hands before eating picnic lunches, etc.

Here Maps App: If you’re honeymooning in a foreign country and don’t want to purchase an international data plan, this app is a lifesaver. Kristian used it the whole time we were in Nicaragua to help us navigate to our various destinations--and it never steered us wrong! You can download an accurate map of any city/country that you plan on visiting before you get there, and it uses your phone’s GPS (which doesn’t need internet or data to operate) to give you directions.

Rental Car Insurance: This tip comes from my husband, who learned the hard way that paying for the full insurance package when renting a car abroad can save a significant amount of time and money. We honeymooned during the windy season in Nicaragua--and I mean windy! While we were en route to our resort, a giant tree branch blew straight into our windshield, cracking and splintering it. After we recovered from the shock (and said a prayer of gratitude that the branch didn’t come through the windshield and kill us), we realized our honeymoon had just gotten a lot more expensive.
 

Stephanie, Editor in Chief and Co-Founder

Journal: If you don’t already have a shared journal like Elise and Hunter do, your first trip as a married couple is the perfect occasion to start a space for recording your travel memories and, later, everyday ones and notes to each other. These handsome leather versions have space for your new, shared monogram.

Zomato App: For me, one of the best parts of traveling is enjoying special meals and off-the-beaten-path spots--on our honeymoon in Wilmington, North Carolina, my husband and I had the most fried, most delicious Southern food you can imagine at a tiny local buffet with melamine plates and checkered vinyl tablecloths, on a recommendation from a grocery store cashier! Zomato is a restaurant recommendation database that allows you to search for food by city, cuisine, meal, price range, and more, alongside reviews, contact info, and booking options--perfect for narrowing down dozens of options in a new-to-you city.

Multitasking makeup: Particularly if you’re headed somewhere beachy, a minimalist beauty look in bronzy or shimmery shades can mirror an inner sense of contentment, relaxation, and little fuss. This dual-ended stick from MAC for eyes, cheeks, and lips cuts down on the need to pack multiple products, has the added benefit of being non-spillable, and the coppery shade would flatter a range of complexions.

Kimono-style wrap: For layering over dresses, as a poolside cover-up, and for lounging in your room, a flowy wrap is pretty and versatile. If you can’t tell, I love the challenge of packing items that serve more than one use!

We love making new discoveries through you. Be sure to share your most romantic, practical, or pretty essentials for travel in the comments or on our social media!

Vendor Spotlight | Soul Creations Photography

Sinikka Rohrer, owner of Soul Creations Photography, is a new bride herself, and it shows. Scroll through her website and Instagram and you'll find insightful, faithful reflections on the beauty--and trials--of engagement and marriage, words that rejoice both in triumph and in suffering, knowing that every experience in a couple's life together is an opportunity to draw near to Christ. Sinikka's near-daily reflections speak to the prayerful relationship she shares with her husband, Alan, and can serve as devotionals for brides-to-be and newlyweds.

This heart for the sacrament of marriage is reflected in Soul Creations's client experience: Sinikka is a firm believer in both practical and spiritual support for her couples, happy not just to answer logistical wedding-day questions but to intercede in prayer for her clients. Her goal is to capture their testimonies and unique beauty through her images, and to encourage a lifetime, not just a wedding day, of solid faith, hope, and love.

Soul Creations is rooted Sinikka's longtime love of photography and the skill and passion that developed during an underwater photo internship in South Africa. Over the next four years, she worked various roles in the industry, but prayer brought her to a desire to glorify the Lord in her work. A wedding photography business--and ministry--was born, with a unique focus on walking alongside couples as they prepare for a union with God at the center.

From Sinikka: I absolutely love encouraging women, being blessed by each sacred moment of a wedding day, and helping others as much as I can. In addition to the spiritual aspect of the SC Experience, there is a practical aspect. I care deeply that the day that two are married is as seamless as possible. This is because the more I can help you with timelines, posing, expertise and the know-how I have on weddings, the less stressful your day is.

Jesus' eye [inspires my work]. I can't describe it any better than that. Before each wedding, I ask that he help me see what he sees.

See more of Sinikka's work in Becca and Kyle's Mediterranean-inspired styled shoot, a rustic, ethereal affair inspired by the wedding traditions of the Holy Land. You can also read her reflections on engagement here.

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How He Asked | Caty + Ryan

Though Caty and Ryan were in the same program at Franciscan University and shared mutual friends, Caty wasn’t even aware Ryan knew her name until he called to her from across a lobby, months later. As they spent the following semester abroad, she became determined to crack the shell of the mysterious, intelligent, curly-haired man with a sarcastic sense of humor. In London that semester, and on into the following academic year, their friendship grew. Both began wondering, cautiously, if they were meant to be something more.

Their first date was less than perfect, leading to the conclusion that Caty and Ryan were only meant to be friends. In the months to come, they spent their time attending daily Mass and praying together, bonding over their shared loves of philosophy, poetry, and food, and even discerning the consecrated life and the priesthood, respectively. The Holy Spirit had other plans.

In Ryan’s words: I had always wanted the woman I married to be my best friend. There came a point when I nearly gave up on that idea. Whether from my discernment of the priesthood or a loss of optimism, I didn’t think I would find that sort of relationship. In Caty, I had felt like I had finally found a true best friend, with whom I ultimately found myself discerning marriage.

In Caty’s words: Even as I prayed about a life of consecrated virginity, the reality of Ryan persisted in my heart despite all inner and outer turmoil. One evening, after studying for a comprehensive exam for our program, we confessed a mutual desire for a relationship. Knowing we were only months away from graduation, he and I resolved to spend time in prayer before making a decision.

On a rainy Holy Thursday, Ryan asked if I would “put out into the deep” with him and be his girlfriend. The question, which was spontaneous on his end, caught me off-guard. But the answer was already present within me: a Yes, one foreshadowing another Yes to come.

It wasn’t until Ryan and I started dating that I felt a true desire for marriage. Even though I had dated seriously in the past, suddenly marriage--not just as an abstract, but in the concrete--was something I wanted, despite my fears. Subconsciously, I was certain Ryan was the man I was called to marry.

A few weeks before we started dating, I had asked him, point-blank, “You know that if we start dating, this may end in marriage, right?” Very solemnly, he replied, “Yes, I know.”

That comment stuck with me through every month of our relationship, especially when things were less than perfect. By the time we talked seriously about marriage, deep down I couldn’t wait to enter into a covenant with this man.

Ryan: About five months into our relationship, I had realized that Caty was the one I would spend my life with. Despite a difficult long-distance summer, our love had grown stronger. It took some time for us to be on the same page, yet we were eventually able to talk seriously about marriage. Those conversations ultimately led to talks with each of our parents about my intentions. My parents were very excited, and not surprised. Caty’s father could not say yes fast enough. I was glad to have their support.

We also spent time looking at rings together, which was truly helpful, for I would have been like a lost sheep otherwise. I found a local jewelry shop and a ring that would be perfect for Caty. When it came to choosing a proposal date, there wasn’t much of a question: our first anniversary.

I enlisted Caty’s friends in my plan to surprise her that Lent. I asked her friend to make plans to attend Stations of the Cross at the Franciscan Monastery of the Holy Land in America. That morning, I took an early flight to D.C. to make it to the Monastery. I’d put in extra effort to convince Caty that it was a normal Friday, with plans for a Skype date that evening. I spent the cold, rainy morning searching the city for flowers, hoping to find a dozen red roses for our 12 months together. Although I was miserably cold and nervous, there was still a joy that I felt, excited to ask my best friend to marry me.

Caty’s friend’s is a photographer whom I asked to help us capture the moment. He took me to the Monastery, where there is a beautiful Marian Grotto dedicated to Our Lady of Lourdes, to whom we both have a great devotion. We were set to consecrate our relationship to Mary on the following day. As I arrived in my suit and the bow tie Caty had given me, waiting for the conclusion of Stations was the hardest part.

I waited in anticipation hidden by the Fifth Station: Simon of Cyrene helps Jesus to carry his cross. It felt fitting, for Caty and I will spend our lives helping each other carry our own crosses.

Caty and her friend began approaching the grotto.

Caty: I was so busy admiring the beauty of the grotto that my friend had to guide me down the right path to where Ryan had been waiting. It wasn’t until I made it down the first set of stairs that I saw Ryan standing there, calm and dapper, holding a bouquet of red roses. Nearly paralyzed with joy (and shock!), it took a moment for me to collect myself before I could walk over to my beloved. Laughter and questions tumbled out of my gaping mouth: “What are you doing here? Weren’t you supposed to be teaching today?” A proposal wasn’t yet on my radar at that point; I thought he’d shown up as a surprise for our anniversary. I embraced and kissed him, altogether unaware of the superabundance of his plans.

Ryan: Knowing I would struggle to get out the words coherently, I had prepared and practiced what I would say. Taking both of Caty’s hands in mine, I talked about our relationship and how far we had come, telling her of my desire to spend my life getting her to heaven and growing in my love for her. I expressed how I want to entrust myself to her, knowing she will do the same for my path to heaven.

As I opened the ring box, I was inspired by a mutual love of ours, Karol Wojtyla’s The Jeweler’s Shop. Taking words from the play, I asked Caty, “Would you like to become forever my life’s companion?” Overcome with surprise and joy, she replied with a resounding yes! I took the ring from the box and placed on its new home, my love’s left hand. As Christ is the foundation of our relationship, we walked over to a statue of St. Ann holding Our Lady, placing our relationship and engagement under their protection.

Caty: Our relationship has taken on two consistent themes: “Put out into the deep” and “Jesus, I trust in You.” While we were discerning the possibility of dating, Ryan one day revealed to me the one prayer that had become a constant for him: Jezu, ufam tobie. Jesus, I trust in You.

Being engaged and preparing for marriage doesn’t automatically make you or your future spouse perfect. Saying a wholehearted yes to your vocation doesn’t magically eradicate weakness, anxiety, or fear. But the reality of Christ working in our hearts is so much deeper than any fears I may have. Wedding planning has forced me to find refuge in the Sacred and Immaculate Hearts of Jesus and Mary, as well as the Most Chaste Heart of St. Joseph. I am learning continually not to “lean on my own understanding” and instead to rely on the providence of God, who has time and again surprised me. Saying yes to him sometimes involves sacrifice, but when it’s offered with love, it becomes a yoke that is sweet and light.

When the glow of newly engaged and newly married life wears off, I know two things will remain: our friendship and, more importantly, our commitment to Christ.

Ryan is a man who is, above all, committed to following Jesus and his Church. He is committed to loving me as Christ loves the Church. He is a strong and patient spiritual leader, continually challenging me in my prayer life.

This is the path of sanctification that Jesus has called us to. We will not be perfect in this life, but through His grace, we will reach the heavenly wedding banquet together. Above all, I know Ryan will be a true life’s companion on our journey to heaven.

Photography: Dominick Tardogno | Engagement Location: Franciscan Monastery of the Holy Land in America | Ring: Maria's Fine Jewelry, Worcester, MA

Our Home is a Place of Transition.

ANDI COMPTON

An audio version of this blog post was featured on our podcast.

The only time I get to sneak a peek at Traditional Home magazine, my favorite, is while I wait for the dentist. I love getting to quietly flip through and see how different designers reinvent traditional homes with modern flair, juxtaposing things like wild fabrics with clean lines and classic design elements.

But each of those photos only captures a moment in time, and it is so hard for me not to compare the constant chaos of my home to the sleek pictures in the magazine.

When we moved into our home I was 5 months pregnant with our first daughter. It was quiet, just the two of us. I painted the bedrooms and organized our things at my normal 100-miles-an-hour pace. And then our baby came when the majority of the house was still only halfway painted. I got a huge reality check: things were no longer going to happen as quickly as I wanted.

Projects that used to take a couple of days stretched into two to three months. More kids came, and so did more stuff. Then that stuff had to go, because it was cluttering our home. The cycle just went on and on, until one day, nine years later, I realized that our home is a place of transition.

It’s not meant to be a perfect snapshot. I was rooted in vanity and fear that no one would love me or want to spend time in my home if it didn’t have the right kind of flooring, a separate playroom for the kids, or a backyard playset. And I had to ask God for forgiveness, forgive myself, and let it go.

As our family grows and our children get older, I want our home to be a joyful, welcoming place where friends and family can relax together. Here are three ways we are working towards a home that is not a picture perfect snapshot, but feels comfortable for everyone:

Buy less.

As an avid shopper this one has been really difficult for me, but cutting down on the amount of physical items that come into our house has made a world of difference. Leave the item in your Amazon cart for a few days and see if you can live without it. Don’t just shop because you have a coupon (guilty!). This one does get harder as children get added to the family because more people does mean more stuff, but clutter can still be minimized. Capsule wardrobes have helped us reduce the amount of clothing we need to one giant closet for six people!

Declutter.  

Easier said than done, but I have noticed that when the house doesn’t feel full of stuff, I feel more peaceful and not as worried about our home. In our house, what that  looks like is sorting and getting rid of mail as soon it comes, letting the kids keep a relatively small amount of toys, and constantly getting rid of clothes that don’t fit well and items we no longer use. And I’m serious about the constantly part: my bedroom always has a few boxes to sort things we no longer use into a donation box or bags for different friends who can use kid supplies.

Buy high-quality items.

This goes along buying less. In cutting down on purchases, we’ve also found buying higher quality products does make a difference. While it initially costs more, we spend less having to constantly replace items. For example, we invested in four quality knives when we got married. One decade and several at-home sharpening sessions later, they’re still in excellent condition and we have no need to purchase any more.

Your home and your family are constantly changing. Don’t give into the lie that having a picture-perfect life will bring you happiness. We have to rightly order people over things, practice detachment from material goods, and remember that our homes here on earth are not our eternal homes. And I’m right there alongside you, striving to fight these temptations every day.

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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A Catholic Approach to Fitness for Brides with Personal Trainer Jordan Fiske

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

In our current wedding culture, many brides feel pressured to go on extreme diets or sign up for boot camp in order to look a certain way or fit a particular style of dress. Not surprisingly, this pressure can cause undue stress during an already stressful time in a woman's life, and may lead to physical and emotional health issues. If you're currently feeling this pressure, or know a bride-to-be who is, Jordan Fiske, a certified personal trainer and founder of Catholic Fitness Training, can help reframe your fitness goals in a healthy, Christ-centered way. I recently had the opportunity to interview Jordan, and I think what he has to share will bless and encourage all women in their health and fitness journeys. 

What inspired you to start Catholic Fitness Training?

My inspiration to start Catholic Fitness Training began as my wife and I were preparing for marriage in November of 2016. My goal was to be more fit and lose some weight before the wedding. Each time I would run, I would pray the Jesus prayer, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Over time, I grew to look forward to this time of not just exercise, but prayer as well. I have also grown to love St. Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body over the last couple of years. St. John Paul II's case for the value and meaning of the human body, which is made in the image and likeness of God, has me convinced that we should treat our bodies as gifts from God.

As a certified Personal Trainer since 2011, I know how common exercise relapse is, especially when setting a short term goal like getting fit for a wedding, vacation, or bathing suit season. Once the event or season is over, it's easy to fall back into our old ways in terms of nutrition and fitness. With Catholic Fitness Training, I want to encourage Catholics to find lifelong motivation to care for their bodies and look beyond those short term goals.

For many Americans, fitness is more about achieving a certain "look" than it is about health. Do you think Catholics ought to approach fitness differently than the wider culture? If so, how?

If Catholics don't approach fitness differently than our culture does, then we are failing our culture. A cursory look at many of the top fitness Instagram accounts reveals an exercise culture that is obsessed with the ability to wear as little clothing as possible--regardless of the damage that may be done to both body and soul. Our culture sets an unrealistic and often extremely unhealthy standard for what it means to be fit.

I would encourage everyone looking to achieve a certain look to go beyond the surface and strive for the interior benefits of nutrition and exercise. A good workout regimen has numerous physiological benefits, such as improvement of mood, increase in energy, and a stronger immune system. When exercise is sustained over a long period of time, these benefits are often more dramatic. These benefits of exercise, in my opinion, are far more important than the visible changes in body composition.

On a spiritual level, consistent exercise and healthy eating can help us develop the kind of discipline we need for other areas of life, including prayer.  

What would you tell a bride-to-be who is anxious about the number on the scale as her wedding approaches, and might be tempted to do a fad diet or over-exert herself with a workout routine she's not ready for?

My advice to a bride-to-be is if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. The reality is being healthy and achieving your fitness goals takes hard work and time. Start several months prior to your wedding, and make sure your regimen is a balance of cardio and resistance exercises.  

Remember: muscle weighs more than fat, so don't worry about the numbers on a scale. If you want to weigh yourself, I recommend limiting weigh-ins to once a week; a healthy number of pounds to lose is typically .5 - 2 pounds per week. Don't buy into the latest trends advertising anything different, because they aren't healthy or sustainable; these are just money-making schemes and are not healthy or effective.  

A note on strength training: many women mistakenly believe that lifting weights will make them "look like a man." This is simply false. It would take years of intense training (along with hormonal supplements) for the average woman to get bulky from weight lifting.

What advice do you have for women who would like to be in better shape and improve their health but don't know where to start?

Getting in better shape and improving your health is 80% behavior and 20% head knowledge. Below are five steps to help change your behavior: 

1. Download the My Fitness Pal app (it's free!). This app will help you track your diet, exercise, and manage your caloric expenditure.

2. Create SMART goals related to fitness and nutrition and write them down in a location that you will see every day.

3. Be accountable. Whether you check in with a personal trainer, workout partner, or exercise community, accountability is crucial to keep you motivated. Catholics are all called to communion with each other, so it is always good to have someone informed about your goals to help keep you motivated.

4. Just go for it. It doesn't matter if you can only jog for 5 minutes or do 3 push-ups your first time exercising, just keep on increasing your work form the prior day. Don't let yourself or anyone else discourage you from your goals.

5. Offer each workout as a prayer. We all know the phrase "offer it up," which is a reference to Colossians 1:24. If you offer your workout as a prayer for a particular intention, you can tap into the benefits of Christ's redemptive suffering. 

What's your #1 spiritual takeaway from your work as a personal trainer?

The body is so much more than physiological processes; it is sacramental. In one of St. John Paul II's addresses on the Theology of the Body, he states that, "The sacrament or sacramentality- in the most general sense of this term- intersects with the body and presupposes the 'theology of the body'... In some way, therefore- even if in the most general way, the body enters in to the definition of sacrament, which is 'a visible sign of an invisible reality,' namely, of the spiritual, transcendent, and divine reality."

Jordan Fiske is an online and in-person trainer who is a certified Supervised Personal Trainer and Group Trainer. He teaches a wide variety of fitness classes, including kettlebell, athletic conditioning, and bootcamps. He's also a graduate student in theology at John Paul the Great Catholic University. For more information about Jordan's ministry at Catholic Fitness Training, daily motivation, or articles on the intersection between faith and fitness, head to their website, Instagram, or Facebook page. 

Elisabeth + Salvador | Central American Destination Wedding

Elisabeth and Salvador's first meeting was straight out of a romantic comedy. They were both using the same language-learning website: Elisabeth wanted to learn Spanish and Salvador, who is from El Salvador, wanted to learn English. After connecting online, they developed a friendship that eventually led to an in-person meeting in Elisabeth's home state of California. "The day we met, we knew we were soulmates," says Elisabeth. "He asked me out the next day, and we were engaged seven months later."  After months of long distance engagement, the couple were married in El Salvador on August 13, 2016. 

In Elisabeth's words: Our wedding was simple yet beautiful. We were married in the rural parish that my husband's grandfather helped build. It was dedicated to and named for Our Lady of Guadalupe. The readings were chosen with care, as we wanted them to reflect our relationship. The second reading, 1 Corinthians 13: 1- 8, has always one of my favorite passages of Scripture, so I was happy we could include it in our wedding Mass.

Since we were married in El Salvador, during our ceremony, we made sure to do the traditional lasso cord as a symbol of our unity for life. We also exchanged arras (coins), which is also a tradition at Salvadoran weddings.

My dress was a lace and tulle mermaid-style dress, with elegant detailing at the top. I fell in love with the dress the moment I laid eyes on it, as it was unlike any other dress I had seen.

Our reception was across the street from the church at my husband's family hacienda. Delicious Latin food was served and we danced to "At Last" by Celine Dion to celebrate that the wait and distance was finally over!  A huge downpour of rain and thunder came and went during the middle of our reception - typical weather in El Salvador! It was a most blessed and unforgettable day.

Elisabeth's spiritual takeaway: When you put Christ at the center of your relationship, it will show through on your wedding day.

Photography: Rorellana Photography  | Church: Our Lady of Guadalupe, El Salvador | Reception - Groom's Family Home |  Wedding Dress & Shoes: David's Bridal

The Embodiment of a Bride: A Reflection for the Feast of the Assumption

STEPHANIE CALIS

As I’ve grown into my vocation through its seasons of engagement, marriage, and motherhood, wearing these roles lightly at first, like a new sweater, until they become familiar--if not at all times comfortable--Our Lady has frequently been at the center of my prayer life. As daughter, spouse, and mother, she’s our ideal of earthly perfection.

Rae and Michael Photography

And make no mistake; Mary’s perfection, her identity on the whole, is an inspiration to contemplate. Yet often, I find myself wondering what individual personality traits and quirks of character lay beneath the pious images and titles. I wonder what her daily life was like in Nazareth: What were Our Lady's hobbies? Were Mary and Joseph ever bothered by each other, and did they simply ignore bad habits or correct them with perfect charity in their sanctity? What sweet rituals and traditions did the Holy Family have? Did Jesus have tantrums as a toddler?

I think the reason so many questions about Our Lady’s unique heart, particularly on this day of her Assumption into heaven, arise in my own is that on some level I want to identify ever more with her in our shared roles as wives and mothers. While I’m more than aware how short I fall of Mary’s flawless obedience and purity of intention, beholding her as an ideal stands as a constant reminder to me of what I’ve promised in my wedding vows. She is a tangible, human example, an embodied woman whose body was received into the heavenly banquet on this day. What joy must have resounded through the heavens in her reunion, for all eternity, with her beloved son and husband.

Throughout engagement, and on through my days navigating newlywed life and new parenthood, I’ve grown so aware of how easy it is to believe the enemy’s lies that I’m not good enough; not as a bride, not as a wife, not as a mother. I say this to you as much as I say it to myself:

Look to Our Lady as a stronghold of truth; the truth of who you are and who you were created to be.

In her Yes to bearing the Son of God, Mary redeems each of us, and perhaps redeems us as women in a particular way. Eve’s giving in to the first lie--the possibility that God might not be enough to satisfy, that we ourselves might not be enough for him--is turned on its head in Our Lady’s humble fiat, the freely given surrender of her will out of complete trust in the Father. She desires only what is of God, who is truth himself.

What fruits, then, can you gain from this joyful feast, specifically in your identity as a bride? Again, for me, Mary’s bodiliness comes to mind. Her body and soul were seamlessly integrated, without the shadow of sin, in such a way that she is the total embodiment of beauty, of obedience, of faith.

Pray about ways you might put yourself, body and soul, at the service of love, in a way that befits your current state (engaged, married, or as a mother): through physical affection for your fiancée, husband, or children, offering chronic or temporary pain or health issues for the intentions of your beloved or your wedding guests, through embracing late-night wake-ups with an infant. Know and believe that you are enough. When it gets hard to believe, fix your eyes on our heavenly mother, our sister. You are a gift. From me to you, Happy Feast Day.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Classy and Unconventional Bridal Shower Themes

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Bridal showers are a wonderful opportunity for your friends and family to celebrate your upcoming nuptials in a more intimate, laid back environment. Unfortunately, bridal showers have the reputation for being stuffy, boring, and awkward. Chances are, you’ve been to a bridal shower (or two) where the conversation was stilted, the gift-opening took hours (or at least seemed like it), and neither the bride nor the guests had a fun time. I know I have.

What is a bride-to-be to do? You’re not in charge of planning your showers, but you will typically have some input in the process. If your bridesmaids, siblings, family friends, or extended family approach you and ask to throw you a shower, you have the opportunity to steer the party planners in a direction that both you and your guests will enjoy. If they ask, feel free to suggest themes, games, and even a location; chances are, your hostesses will appreciate the help!

What should you and your hostesses consider when planning a bridal shower? 

The Bride’s Personality

If you’re an extrovert, chances are you’re totally up for being the center of attention at your shower, won’t mind opening up your gifts in front of everyone, and/or playing games that involve lots of mingling. These same scenarios may be a nightmare for the introverted bride (or introverted guests). While it’s impossible to accommodate everyone’s personality at any party, the bride’s should certainly be taken into consideration during the planning process.

Note: if you want to avoid the gift-opening spotlight, consider asking guests to bring their gifts unwrapped. That way, everyone can see the presents and you can thank your guests for them without having to spend the majority of the party unwrapping gifts.

Guest List

Will all or most of the guests know each other? Will it be women only or co-ed? Are most of the guests the bride’s age or will there be guests of all ages in attendance? How many guests will be invited? The answers to these questions will directly impact the theme, so it's important to nail the guest list down before moving forward.

Theme

This is the fun part, and thankfully, these days there are more options than just sitting around with cake, punch, and a pile of presents. Since I’ve only been able to give input for my bridal showers (one was a wine-tasting shower and one was household themed), I asked Facebook friends to share their favorite themes and shower games, some of which are quoted below.

Tasting Theme: Are you a coffee or tea lover? Chocolate connoisseur? Is wine or beer tasting a favorite pastime of yours? A tasting party gives everyone at the shower something to enjoy--and takes the focus off of the bride if she’s introverted. Plus, it gives guests an opportunity to help the soon-to-be-married couple stock their bar or build their fancy tea/coffee collection.

“We set out cheeses, crackers, fruit etc...and paired the cheeses with wines. People could move around from table to table, tasting the pairings. We also did a little game, where people could guess what variety of wine was paired with each cheese (we covered the labels on the bottles so people couldn't cheat).” -Laurie

Honeymoon/travel theme: If you and your fiancé care more about having an exotic honeymoon than getting everything on your kitchen registry, consider a honeymoon or travel themed bridal shower. Honeymoon registries abound these days, and it’s simple to request on the invitation that guests contribute to the honeymoon fund instead of bringing a gift. Also: the decor, food, and even games can be centered around the honeymoon destination, which makes planning a breeze.

Game/activity idea: The Newlywed Game! My sister and I both played this at our bridal showers, and it was one of the best parts by far. The hostesses emailed the grooms-to-be questions about us, which they filmed themselves answering on their phones, and then sent back to the hostesses. We all watched the guys’ answers (which ranged from hilarious to heartwarming) on a big screen and compared them to the brides’ answers.

Adventure theme: If you’re the sporty type (and your guests are too), consider going on a hike or kayaking trip instead of having a traditional shower. Guests can be encouraged to purchase you and your fiancé outdoor and sporting goods off of your registry, and the hostesses can pack snacks and a bottle of bubbly for the end of the outing.

Game/activity idea: Since this type of shower is ideal for a smaller group, each guest could share a favorite memory with the bride, give an affirmation, or pray a blessing over her.

Literature or film theme: Are you a Janeite? Obsessed with Harry Potter? Have you always dreamed of having an Anne of Green Gables style tea party, complete with raspberry cordial (or currant wine)? Your bridal shower is a wonderful opportunity to make that dream come true.

“My bridesmaids had my shower at a tea house. We had a tea party and played a literary guessing game based on my favorite books. Tea, catching up with friends, and not being up on display was a dream for this socially anxious introvert!” -LeAnna

“I'm an insane fan of everything Nancy Drew. She was my favorite book character growing up, and I love how classy, smart, vintage, and strong she is about everything! My maid of honor is planning a vintage, Nancy Drew themed bridal shower where you have to come dressed up in classic Nancy Drew attire and all the guests are part of a mystery. Bless her for being willing to put so much time and effort into it.”-Mariah

Cooking/Baking Theme: If you love to cook or bake, why not share that passion with your guests? If you have a small enough guest list, the possibilities are endless: a group cooking class, gathering at a hostess' house and baking your own desserts, or even a potluck shower where each guest brings her favorite dish (along with a recipe card) are all great ideas.

Game/activity: Have each guest bring a recipe card and compile them all in a cute box for the newlyweds to use. One bride had a “spice shower” where each guest brought a spice or baking item and she had to try to bake a cake with the new items without looking at a recipe.

Open House Shower: This is ideal if you are planning a hometown wedding while living out of state and have limited time to spend with family and friends from home:

“For my sister we had an open house! She was out of state and everyone wanted to talk to her and catch up, which is really hard at a formal shower. It was in a home and each room had something different: food in one place, a "game" (a collaborative gift for my sister) was in another room, and my sister was in an large open space where she sat with people and opened their gifts as they came in. People stayed and sat and talked, but could come and go.” -Katie

Games and Activities: Have guests write down a piece of advice for the couple on a notecard as they walk in, and collect them all at the end for the bride to take with her.

”My matron of honor bought a Bible and asked everyone to underline a verse that had significance for them and then sign their name so I would keep them in my prayers as I was reading Scripture.” -Maggie

If you're in the bridal shower planning stages currently, I hope this list is helpful for you and the hostesses. If you've already had your showers and enjoyed them, or have planned bridal showers in the past, please share any advice you have regarding themes or games in the comments! 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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How He Asked | Natasha + Tim

The first week of their junior year at the University of Minnesota, Natasha met Tim during a series of daily events put on by St. Paul’s Outreach and wondered how she’d spent the two years prior not having known this man who was intelligent and well-spoken, with a clear love for the Lord. Tim made it clear he was interested in pursuing more. But only a week earlier, Natasha had entered into a long-distance relationship with someone else.

In Tim’s words: The night I met Natasha, she was the only girl who volunteered for a heavy-lifting job in the warehouse we were working in. I was thinking to myself, Who is this beautiful girl, involved with her faith, and who seems so tough (even in a hairnet)? We worked at the same station that night, giving us plenty of time to talk, and I was quickly head over heels. I was captivated by the way Natasha spoke with passion and conviction about everything from her major to her world travels to her faith.

To say it was difficult to hear that she was already in a relationship would be a massive understatement. How could this be from God? I thought. I had a such strong inclination I was meant to marry Natasha, even in such a short time, that it seemed cruel to have met her only to have her be unavailable. But the Lord was asking me to trust his will for our lives, regardless of what I wanted, and in in the time when I wanted it. Despite getting turned down, we became fast friends and grew to know each other better over the next few years.

In Natasha’s words: Our friendship continued developing through our involvement in SPO in college We saw each other nearly every day, and Tim honored his promise to want the best for me, even if it wasn’t him.

When my relationship ended, Tim had to love me again from a distance while I took time to heal and grow closer to the Lord. We didn’t always get it right. There was so much discernment along the journey. It seemed when one of us was ready, the other pulled back. But by Christmas of our senior year, I knew Tim was someone I didn’t want to adventure through life without. He had proven he was unabashedly committed to drawing me closer to the Lord. He was a man with his priorities in order.

Here’s an example: my roommates and I had decided to set aside a period each morning of not having men in the house so that we could say morning prayer together and get ready comfortably. As a result, each morning of senior year Tim--who lived across the street--would wait for me on the sidewalk outside my house to begin the 20-minute walk to campus together. He waited even in the rain, snow, or when I forgot what time it was and left him out there a little too long. I began to cherish these early morning visits, which would frequently include stopping for coffee. It was during these walks that I began to understand the honorable man Tim is.

Tim: God allowed me that early time as Natasha's friend to see so many sides of her and grow deeper in love with the person she is. So when we began dating, I knew I’d one day ask her to marry me, but I didn't have a specific plan in mind. One day, she casually mentioned that she thought New Years would be such a romantic time to get engaged. This was in early December, with New Years weeks away, and we hadn't even looked at rings yet. With a little creativity and some help from her family, I was determined to pull off a New Year's Eve surprise.

Natasha : On New Year's Eve of 2016, Tim took me to our now-alma mater for a fancy New Year's dinner, followed by plans to meet my sister for ice skating. My sister was mysteriously running late, so Tim suggested we recreate our senior year and walk through campus in the snow. On that walk, in the central park of campus, Tim asked me if I would marry him and do him the honor of going on a life-long adventure to heaven together. Saying yes was easy--for me, the hardest decision of the night was choosing between freezing my fingers or covering up my beautiful ring with my gloves!

I thought we were the only ones back at the university that cold night, but much to my surprise, my sister came crawling out of the bushes after the proposal, where she’d been taking pictures! I had always said I would love both of our families to be present following a proposal to celebrate with us, but Tim told me our families couldn't make it due to holiday plans. Instead, he said, he had arranged a table for us, along with my sister and brother in-law, at one of our favorite St. Paul restaurants, W.A. Frost, which also happened to be the location of our first official date. When we arrived, we were greeted by a table of familiar faces. As it turned out, our families’ holiday plans were celebrating with us! We rang in the New Year with people we loved, excited for our future.

The journey to our relationship has, truthfully, been really, really hard sometimes. Tim was always so sure of me and of his intentions, but it didn't come as easily for me. I struggled with doubt and that I was deserving of this amazing man. I wanted to be in a relationship with Tim, but was stuck in the trap of believing God's will is always the opposite of our own.

I remember speaking to a priest about my reservations. He said, "If you believe you are not worthy of the good things God has for you, then you are making a mockery of his crucifixion. He didn't die so that we could wallow in self-pity; he died so that we might have life and have it more abundantly! So accept his mercy and love, and live in his Resurrection." Talk about some tough love. But it opened my heart to accept the love that God, and ultimately Tim, had for me.

Regardless of what lies ahead in our life together, I am excited to be walking with Tim towards heaven. He has proven to be the perfect steady counter to my sometimes doubtful and sassy heart.

Tim reminds me of Christ's love by drawing me out of myself, always encouraging me to go further in my relationship with God, and he shines back a reflection of how he sees me when I need encouragement.

And when my weak heart needs reminding, Tim is a physical reminder that God is a good, good father wanting nothing but the best things for his children.

Photography: Sarah Ascanio Photography | Engagement Location: University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, MN | Engagement Photo Location: Banning State Park, Sandstone, MN | Ring: Shane Co.

Prayer Books for Brides

MAGGIE STRICKLAND

During my first year of graduate school and teaching in Charleston, South Carolina, my friends and I would meet several times a week for daily Mass, and then, if our work or class schedules permitted, have coffee or breakfast together. Though we routinely attended the same Bible study each week, the morning Mass group was much more free-form, and the days we went varied week to week. Like everyone else in the group, I was single, and had a vibrant spiritual life because I had a great deal of time to spend in prayer, both in and out of church.

I moved back to my hometown shortly before meeting my husband. Though there was a strong young adult group there too, we were less involved in community as he did his dissertation research. We married just over a year after we met.

Our prayer life together has always been strong, but after marriage I started feeling nostalgic for the girl I had been in Charleston, the one who nurtured her prayer life so thoroughly.

I had been so used to the spontaneity of my personal spiritual life that I wasn’t sure what to do now that I had a spouse to consider, as well.

Ever the English major, I turned to several books to help me balance prayer and work as a newly married woman. They continue to hold valued spots on my bookshelf.

In those early months of our marriage, my husband worked seven days a week to finish his dissertation. Sometimes I felt guilty about the nights I spent proofreading for him instead of going to Wednesday night Mass or Bible study with the young adult group. My perspective started to shift, though, after reading Dom Hubert van Zeller’s Holiness for Housewives (and Other Working Women) and St. Francis de Sales’ Introduction to the Devout Life.

Holiness for Housewives encourages married women to cultivate an attitude of prayer, one that pervades all aspects of life in our domestic churches. van Zeller points out that everything we do can become a prayer if we align our wills to God’s will and strive to do what he calls us to in each moment. For me, in that busy dissertation season, that meant a lot of proofreading. Even when I didn’t want to give up my leisure to help my husband with his work, doing so became a prayer out of love for and obedience to the God who has called me to marriage. The book is rather general, though, so when I wanted specific practical advice, I turned to de Sales.

Because the chapters in the Introduction are short, I didn’t have to devote a great deal of time to reading, yet still gleaned rich practical steps to help me incorporate active prayer into my daily life, such as St. Francis’ method  for morning prayer. One of the key aspects he describes is to “anticipate what tasks, transactions, and occasions for serving God you may meet on this day and to what temptations of offending him you will be exposed.” Using this method helps me keep sight of God’s will as I’m going through my day, having made my to-do list prayerfully.

As I learned what prayer and work looked like for me as a married woman, I realized part of my initial struggle was rooted in only thinking of myself in terms of my vocation.

I’d been seeing myself as more of a wife than as a daughter of God. I had wanted to get married for so long that when I did, I got distracted by my excitement over the reality of marriage. I needed to remember that the love I felt for my husband, and his for me, was rooted in divine love.

Recognizing this, during Lent of my first year of marriage I revisited I Believe in Love: A Personal Retreat Based on the Teaching of St. Therese of Lisieux, a gift from my college spiritual director. Accordingly, I spent those 40 days--which began just a few weeks after our wedding--meditating on the fact that I was loved first and best by God, and that growing in my love for him meant I could love my spouse and fulfill my married vocation better.

St. Francis de Sales says,“Wherever we may be, we can and should aspire to a perfect life.” My prayer life looks different now from when I was single, and it will change again when, God willing, we have children. The wisdom of these authors has encouraged me to listen continuously for how God is calling me, in this moment, to pursue holiness.

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About the Author: Maggie Strickland has loved reading and writing stories since her earliest memory. An English teacher by training and an avid reader by avocation, she now spends her days reading, writing, and volunteering in her community, trying to make her part of the world a little more beautiful. She and her husband are originally from the Carolinas, but now make their home in central Pennsylvania.

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What to Do if You're Nervous about the Wedding Night

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY 

Real talk: one of the things I was most stressed about during my engagement was the wedding night. While I was thankful that Kristian and I had (by the grace of God and the virtue of chastity) saved sex for marriage, I was also freaked out by the fact that in a few short months, I would finally be giving myself, body and soul, to the man I love.

I realize now that so many of my nerves were completely normal, and that most women (and men) who wait to make love until their wedding night have a similar experience. We all want our first night as a married couple to be beautiful and romantic and intimate...but what if it isn’t? What if it’s awkward, uncomfortable, or even physically painful?

To some extent, it’s impossible to dispel all of the pre-wedding night jitters. Even laid-back brides find that their wedding day can be emotionally exhausting (in a good way), and the pressure to have the perfect wedding night can seem overwhelming. But it doesn’t have to be!

The Lord created us in such a way that sexual union between husband and wife naturally unfolds (yes, even the first time), and he established marriage as a lifelong union between spouses, meaning that your first time together on the wedding night is only the beginning of a lifetime of learning to love each other in this intimate way.

Hopefully, you have a married woman (or two) in your life who will help assuage any irrational fears you may have about the wedding night, but if you don’t (or are just too shy to ask), here are a few tips I found helpful:

Photography: Avenue Creative

Ask your fiancé to prepare in advance.

It’s no secret that men and women have different needs when it comes to foreplay and making love, but your husband-to-be may need to get some pointers from married friends (preferably Catholic ones) on how to best navigate these differences. The more he knows about how women work, the more smoothly your wedding night will go.

Relaxation is key.

At the end of your wedding day, you will probably be a strange mix of totally wired and completely exhausted. Regardless of where you are on the emotional spectrum, there’s a good chance you will need some relaxation time before you’re ready to make love. Talk to your fiancé about this before your wedding so that he’ll be prepared to wait a bit longer, and have some relaxation supplies (champagne, bubble bath, massage oils) ready at the honeymoon suite.   The more relaxed you are, the more enjoyable (physically and emotionally) love-making will be.

Pray beforehand.

It doesn’t have to be long and drawn out, but a simple, heartfelt prayer asking the Lord to bless your first night together will bring peace to both of your hearts and prepare you spiritually to consummate your marriage. If you're at a loss for words, consider making Tobias and Sarah's prayer (Tobit 8:4-8) your own. 

Talk honestly and openly about your experience the next morning.

The only way a couple can grow together sexually is by openly communicating their needs to one another. As awkward as it may feel at first, talking about your love making is essential to establishing a healthy, happy, mutually satisfying marital life together.

Don’t be afraid to wait a day (or two).

One of the reasons why so many women are nervous about the wedding night is because they have it in their heads that they must have incredible sex with their husbands on the first night of their marriage...or else. That’s simply not the case! Some couples decide to wait until the next morning so that they are more rested. Some are practicing NFP to avoid pregnancy and choose to delay consummation until after the woman’s fertile period is over. Regardless of what you and your husband decide to do, it is best to discuss it before you get to your honeymoon suite.

Be patient.

It’s okay if your first time making love isn’t amazing. Like anything important in marriage, it takes time and practice to learn what works and what doesn’t work for you as a couple. Be patient with yourself and with your husband, and remember that your first time won’t be your last time (even if you get pregnant right away, you can still make love throughout pregnancy). That said, if you experience any serious physical complications during love-making that make it difficult for you to give yourself fully to your husband, talk to your doctor as soon as possible.

One final note: if the thought of making love with your husband absolutely terrifies you due to wounds or trauma from your past, please consider going to therapy before you get married. Marital sex is supposed to be a beautiful expression of the love between spouses, not a source of fear or intense anxiety. Therapy can help you work through your past wounds so that you have peace about making love with your husband.

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About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Lisa + Steve | Canadian Summer Wedding

Growing up, Lisa longed for a fairytale romance akin to those she'd seen in movies; what the Lord gave her instead was more beautiful and real than she could have imagined as a girl. As the Holy Spirit refined and purified her understanding of true love, Steve came into her life and showed her that love, lived in daily life. 

In Lisa's words: The first year of our dating relationship was far from the makings of a romance movie. For starters, we began dating in December. Our hang-outs took place in temperatures below 20 degrees in a small town I knew nothing about. Our commute to this town was laden with snowstorms, and at one point took 10 hours for him.

My chronic health condition took a turn for the worse that year, and for months on end, fancy dinners, fireworks, fun dates and walks under the stars where exchanged for hospital visits and sitting at home on the couch. Our relationship was a far cry from a romantic comedy.

My heart ached for those butterfly moments and the “honeymoon stage” everyone talked about. Yet, this was exactly what God desired for our relationship. He desired that I submit my expectations for what true love looked like. During that year, Steve and I allowed Christ to purify us in the flame of the Holy Spirit and we gave Him the permission to take us through the trials he knew were best for us and to write our love story in His own way.

After our trials slowly came to end, I realized that the winter storms of this life were not able to shake our love. God had become our anchor and our love became stronger.

In November of 2016, Steve proposed to me in front of the Tabernacle at St. Paul’s Basilica in Pittsburgh during one of my weekend visits. As “Oceans” by Hillsong United was playing and a slideshow of our relationship caused tears to flow, I knew it was the moment I had always waited for. He bent down on one knee, and a sense of peace overwhelmed my heart.

In the summer of 2016, during the Year of Mercy, my husband Steve were married and it truly was the happiest day of my life. I couldn't contain the joy welling up in my heart. 

Our ceremony took place at a renaissance style church and at a hall with timeless elegance. We were surrounded by friends and family and Christ was the center. It's amazing to think that we've now been married for a year!

My dress was everything I dreamed it would be, from the detailed lace to it's romantic, princess style. I found it at a charming small boutique near my house with my mom and my best friend. I had the sleeves added and they came out perfectly. However, let’s just say I had no idea walking in tulle would be so hard and that I would get GUM in it right before the reception (we cut the gum out and you couldn’t tell anything was missing because of the amount of tulle!).

Before the ceremony, we decided to go the traditional route and not see each other. Our photographer Amer and videographers Anita and Michael took pictures and recorded a video of us getting ready individually before the ceremony. I had my best of friends surrounding me as I prepared to exchange vows just hours later. We had the best time laughing together and being pampered by the best makeup and hair team. Right before leaving, we stood in a circle and prayed that Jesus and the Blessed Mother would be present as we said our yeses.

Once we arrived at St. Paul’s Basilica, Steve and I stood on opposite sides of the Holy Doors for the Year of Mercy and had a special prayer moment. Our photographer captured the moment as we held hands and prayed. I was so nervous and giggly knowing he was right behind the door!

If you ask anyone in attendance at our wedding Mass, they will tell you that the Holy Spirit was present. I remember walking into the church looking down at my white shoes and tulle surrounding them thinking that this was the day I had always been waiting for. All those years of draping towels over my head as a little girl pretending it was a veil and then waiting for my beloved spouse as I grew older were worth it.

I received so much healing that day from hurts and heartaches of the past, the love of Jesus and of Steve filled my heart immensely. We received a grace from the fountain of mercy and said yes to take on each other’s burden for the rest of our lives. 

One of my favorite moments from our wedding day is the moment we knelt down in front of the statue of our Blessed Mother to give her a bouquet of flowers. We placed the bouquet of flowers in front of her and I experienced such love in my heart I can't describe. I cried and cried as I felt her blessing our union. In that most intimate moment, Steve took his purity ring off of his finger, opened the palm of my hand and placed it inside. He didn't say any words but he didn't have to because I knew what we were both thinking: it was worth the wait.

Being a Polish- Canadian and my husband a native Pittsburgher, we both implemented our traditions into our reception. Anyone from Pittsburgh knows that there must be a cookie table.  In Polish culture, the parents of the bride welcome the bride and groom into the reception hall with blessed salt and bread. With the blessed salt, the parents are blessing the couple with protection and well-being. With the bread, the parents pray that the couple never encounter need or want, and if they do, that God would help them in their trial. In addition to this tradition, we had a polish DJ who played traditional polish folk music and of course, we served pierogi at our midnight buffet. It means so much to me that Steve embraces my culture and all of my Polish traditions. 

I chose the Old Mill and Spa for the reception because of its vintage beauty and outdoor garden setting. The hall inside is so beautifully adorned with gold framed mirrors and large fireplaces that we didn't have to decorate at all. My bridesmaid wore gorgeous wine colour dresses that complimented the gold hall colors. They served the most amazing food and had the nicest staff who checked on me periodically through the night to check if I was eating! 
 

Lisa's spiritual takeaway: As a young girl, I had no idea that a love like Steve's existed: a love so devoted, godly, passionate, yet pure. Now that we are united in love, I know that we will overcome anything together through the fountain of grace that was poured out for us on the altar. I know that that there is simply no one else that fits so perfectly with me. Steve is the most handsome, witty, funny, kind, and awesome answer to prayer that God has ever given me and I am so excited to spend the rest of our lives chasing Jesus together.

Photography: Amer Nabulsi  | Church: St. Paul's Basilica Toronto, ON, Canada | Reception - Old Mill Toronto | Videography: Mike and Anita Yu "Ammotion" | Flowers: Ewa Bajorek | Makeup: Cheeks and Tresses | Music: DJHubert | Wedding Dress: Izabella's Bridal | Music Ministry: All4Him and Desiree and Whitney

Newlywed Life | Date Ideas for Newlyweds

STEPHANIE CALIS

The obvious changes in your physical relationship notwithstanding, newlywed life opens a wealth of special date options that simply aren’t as practical or prudent during your time as an engaged couple. My husband and I were engaged long-distance and looked forward to our married life, when we’d see each other daily, but even if you’re planning your wedding near one another, the difference between having to say goodbye at a certain point in the day and having the freedom of fewer limitations on your time is a sweet one.

If you’re looking forward to, or already living out, the realities of your newly married days and are looking to savor them in particularly memorable ways, it’s helpful to consider times of day, like early morning and late at night, when it’s far simpler and more free to spend time with your beloved, as well as the fact that after the wedding you’ll share a home.

Here, four date ideas that speak to these changes and celebrate your status as newlyweds:

Plan a late-night Holy Hour.

The graces of placing yourselves in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament as often as possible speak for themselves. Whether as a periodic date or standing weekly commitment, find a parish with Perpetual Adoration, set your alarm for the middle of the night, and head out together for an hour of prayer. Sacrificing the comfort of sleep for the sake of time with the Lord is sanctifying and unites the two of you to the faithful and their prayer time the world over.

Picnic at sunrise.

In our early days of dating, before having children meant we tend to cling to every possible second of sleep and when we lived minutes away from each other on the same campus, my now-husband and I loved meeting in the early morning to watch the sun rise from the porch of our university’s admissions office. If your engagement is taking place in the real world, off of shared college turf, it’s likely that meeting up early in the morning--before work, and from different neighborhoods--is hard to pull off. It’s a pleasure to finally wake up together as a married couple, so take advantage by soaking in the early morning together! Program your coffeemaker and pack a blanket and simple meal the night before, or drop by a coffee shop before heading to a scenic spot.

Spend an intentionally lazy afternoon in bed.

Intentionally lazy sounds contradictory. But what I mean is this: carve out time to relax with your new husband, but make specific efforts to take things up a notch from your typical weekday Netflix o’clock. One of my husband’s and my favorite ways to spend a Sunday afternoon (or, if I’m being honest with two toddlers, Sunday nap time) is to come home from Mass, make a meal for brunch, and eat in our bedroom while reading or watching a movie. I like to make things intentional and special by wearing nicer pajamas or loungewear than my typical college T-shirts, tidying up beforehand, lighting a candle, and opening the curtains and windows--taking a few moments to create a peaceful atmosphere makes it feel much less like you’re holed up in your room and much more like you’re surrounding yourself with beautiful things and, God willing, beautiful weather.

Work on your new home together.

While it’s likely the two of you began gradually moving and combining possessions and choosing several new furniture items before your wedding, new needs and projects frequently arise as you both begin hanging your hats in the same dwelling. Elevate necessary chores and errands by checking them off together and adding in an out-of the ordinary element: go shopping as a duo to complete your registry or purchase materials for a project, set aside an afternoon to assemble furniture or appliances, hang a gallery wall of your wedding photos. Choose a new-to-you audiobook or podcast to accompany your work, and pick up takeout, maybe from a spot that’s a notch above fast-casual, on your way home.

We love hearing your own experiences and offering them to our community. If there are any special rituals you've adopted as a couple after marriage, be sure to share them in the comments and on Spoken Bride's social media!

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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NFP: What It Is, How It Works, and Why It Is a Blessing to Married Couples

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY 

It is NFP Awareness Week worldwide, and here at Spoken Bride, we couldn't pass up an opportunity to share the beauty of the Church's teaching on marriage, sexuality, and openness to life. We hope this post will be a helpful introduction or refresher for those of you are preparing for marriage, especially if your diocese or parish does not require an extensive course in NFP. Note that this is NOT an exhaustive resource on the Church's teaching or NFP. Please feel free to email us if you'd like any more information or want to hear about our personal experiences with NFP.

One of the most maligned and misunderstood teachings of the Church is her teaching on sexuality and chastity, specifically within the context of marriage. Some Catholics are under the impression that the Church requires everyone to have as many children as possible; some balk at the prohibition against contraception because it seems so unreasonable in the modern world; and some assume that since chastity is required before marriage, it must no longer be needed after a couple says, “I do.”

These misconceptions are completely understandable considering our current cultural climate, and the confusion that surrounds sexuality in general. The Church seems like a lone voice crying out in the wilderness of secular society, and it's often difficult for couples to hear that voice in the midst of the craziness of wedding planning. 

Erik Bello Photography.

The Church’s teaching on marital sexuality

In reality, the Church’s teaching on marriage and sexuality is both beautiful and challenging--just like the Christian life in general. According to the Church, all men and women, regardless of their state in life, are called to practice the virtue of chastity. Chastity is the virtue (spiritual strength) that helps us to integrate our sexuality into the entirety of our being, in order to  truthfully love those we are sexually attracted to instead of using them.

The practice of this virtue looks different depending on one’s state of life. For married couples, chastity means respecting the reality of sex and sexuality: that God designed sexual intercourse to be a unitive and procreative expression of love between a husband and wife. Marital love should be freely given, faithful (emotionally and sexually exclusive), total (the gift of one’s entire self, including fertility), and fruitful (open to having biological children, if able, and adopting/making marriage fruitful in some other way if biological children are not a possibility). Chastity for married people also means avoiding any lustful thoughts or actions: using others (even their wife/husband) as a means of getting sexual pleasure.

This means that anything that thwarts either the unitive or procreative aspects of marital love-making is contrary to God’s design for marriage and sex, and must be avoided. Contraception (both hormonal contraceptives and barrier methods), pornography, adultery, and the like all fall into the “sins against chastity within marriage” category.

Most people can see why pornography and adultery are on the list...but contraception? Isn’t this the 21st century? Doesn’t contraception help marriages by giving couples and easy way to avoid having a child if it wouldn’t be convenient or good for the family to do so? How can the Church expect so much of couples?

The Church can ask married couples to be open to life for the same reason she can ask us to love our enemies, or care for the poor, or put the needs of others before our own: Christ entrusted the Church with the ability to dispense divine life (grace) via the Sacraments, and marriage is a Sacrament.

God never leaves us alone in our attempts to follow his will--he always provides us with the grace to grow in virtue and practice self-control.

Yes, it is easier (in some ways) to take a birth control pill or have an IUD inserted or use a condom each time you have sex than it is to practice Natural Family Planning, in which couples prayerfully discern whether or not to avoid or postpone pregnancy by abstaining from sex during the wife's fertile cycle. But the Christian life is not about what is easy, it’s about what is true, good, and beautiful. And once the physiological and spiritual differences between avoiding pregnancy via contraception and avoiding pregnancy based on Natural Family Planning methods becomes clear, it is evident that the Church, like any good mother, only wants what’s best for her children.

If this is the first time you’re learning this information, you (or your fiancé) may have some questions, which is great! The first step to trusting Christ and the Church is to be open to learning the reasons behind Catholic teaching. Below are the answers to several frequently asked questions (based on my experience as a theology teacher, RCIA instructor, and marriage prep catechist).

Erik Bello Photography.

Frequently Asked Questions about NFP

I heard NFP is the rhythm method, and that the rhythm method isn’t reliable. Is that true?

No! NFP is not the rhythm method. You may have heard that it is because many of our parents and grandparents grew up thinking that was the only “natural” way to space children. Unfortunately, the rhythm method was based on the (faulty) idea that all women ovulate on day 14 of their cycle, which is not the case. Modern Natural Family Planning methods can be used by the majority of women, regardless of the regularity of their cycles, and are scientifically proven to be as effective as birth control when used correctly, because they are based on the observable signs of a woman’s fertility each month. Scroll down for a list of resources if you want to learn more about the different methods of NFP and which one would be best for you.

Isn’t NFP just “natural contraception”?

NFP can be used as a natural form of contraception, but that is not how the Church asks couples to use it. The Church teaches that couples must exercise prayerful and prudential judgment regarding avoiding/spacing pregnancy in each season of their marital life. This means that if a couple has a serious reason to avoid pregnancy or space your pregnancies, they may do so by not having sex during the fertile period of your cycle. It does not mean that Catholic couples may use NFP to indefinitely postpone/avoid pregnancy or avoid pregnancy for selfish reasons.

When is it okay to avoid/space your pregnancies?

The Church teaches that spouses should practice responsible parenting, meaning if a couple discerns that it is not the right time to have another child, the couple may avoid having sex during your fertile time until said problem is resolved. There is no obligation for couples to have sex during a woman’s fertile period each month. Therefore, it is not necessarily sinful to avoid pregnancy or space your pregnancies using NFP. However, it is essential that married couples prayerfully discern these decisions together, and, if need be, with a competent spiritual director.

What if I don’t want ten kids?

The Church does not teach that a woman must have as many children as her body can bear. Some couples are called to have large families, but not all. The important thing is, like in all aspects of the Christian life, to be open to the Lord’s plan being different from our plan. I know couples who desperately wanted to have large families and for whatever reason, have not been able to conceive or “only” have two or three kids. I know couples who never saw themselves having big families, but now have six, seven, or eight kids. Regardless of how many children a couple is blessed with, there will be crosses and difficulties and stressful situations. But there will also be the unspeakable joy that only comes when we let go of our plans and ideas and allow the Lord to take over.

WIll NFP ruin our sex life?

Using NFP to avoid pregnancy involves mutual sacrifice on the part of the husband and wife; it’s not easy to abstain from making love when a woman is fertile, nor is it easy to accept a child when he or she wasn’t “planned.” But it also involves increased communication between husband and wife, which can result in more intimacy, not less. The Church maintains that God would not ask something of us without giving us the grace to do it, which is one of the reasons why marriage is a Sacrament. That said, couples who practice NFP need the support and encouragement of like-minded couples, which is why building Catholic community in the local parish (or even online) is so important.

Do I have to learn/practice NFP?

Some couples have a “come what may” philosophy when it comes to family planning. They don’t learn or practice NFP (or use contraception). That is something that each couple must discern. However, it is a good idea to learn an NFP method in case you need it in the future to 1) become pregnant (this is actually one of the primary reasons why many couples practice NFP) or 2) avoid pregnancy should an issue arise later in your marriage. It’s also incredibly helpful for both husband and wife to understand and appreciate a woman’s cycle, especially if it is irregular. So many potential fertility issues can be resolved by practicing basic fertility awareness using NFP, and seeking out an NFP-only OB/GYN to address those issues.

Personally, I’m grateful that I began charting my cycle long before I met my husband, because I discovered that I have a progesterone deficiency, which can lead to difficulties becoming and/or staying pregnant. Thanks to NFP and my progesterone supplements, we are pregnant with our first child, and it only took us two cycles to conceive.

The bottom line:

Our perennial temptation as fallen human beings is to make idols. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we want to be our own gods, to make our own rules, and to live life on our terms. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we know how destructive that way of life is, even though it may seem easier in the short term. What Christ and the Church ask of us isn’t easy: surrender never is. But we’re not surrendering to a capricious God who wants us as his slaves; we’re surrendering to a loving Father who loves us as his children. Choosing to say “yes” to the Church’s teachings on marital chastity is not easy, but because God is the author of marriage and sex, following His commandments is the only true, good, and beautiful way to live out this vocation.

Resource List:

Books

Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyla (St. John Paul II)

Humanae Vitae by Pope Paul VI

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler (not Catholic, but a good resource on fertility awareness)

The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning by Simcha Fisher

Articles/Blog posts:

Contraception: Why Not? By Dr. Janet Smith

Why not just use birth control? Some possible right answers. & NFP in real life: hard, but worth it. (both by Jenny Uebbing of Mama Needs Coffee)

When Natural Family Planning doesn’t go according to your plan (by Christy Isinger of Fountains of Home)

NFP should be a part of parish life (by Haley Stewart of Carrots for Michaelmas)

Dear Newlywed: you’re probably worried about the wrong thing. (by Kendra Tierney of Catholic All Year)

Podcast: Uncharted Territory: Getting Real about Natural Family Planning (Jenny Uebbing, Haley Stewart, and Christy Isinger)

General fertility education:

Natural Womanhood

Indy Fertility Care Blog

In Touch Fertility

NFP Methods:

The Couple to Couple League (Sympto-thermal NFP)

The Billings Method of NFP

The Creighton Method of NFP

The Marquette Method of NFP

NFP-friendly Medical Providers:

The Guiding Star Project (holistic women’s health clinics)

NaProTECHNOLOGY Practitioners in the United States

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Betrothal Ceremony | Danielle + Jeff

You may remember Danielle and Jeff from their "How He Asked" feature, published in June. Today, we're excited to share with you their betrothal ceremony, a traditional Catholic rite of blessing for engaged couples. If you're not familiar with the Rite of Betrothal, read on to find out what it is, how it's done, and why they are increasingly popular amongst young Catholics. 

In Danielle's words: On Sunday, March 12, 2017, Jeff and I arranged for the priest at St. Joseph Catholic Church in Miesville, MN, to celebrate the Solemn Rite of Betrothal for us after Mass in the Extraordinary Form. It only lasted about 15 minutes, but it was a beautiful little ceremony for blessing our engagement.

For those who are not familiar, the Rite of Betrothal, in the Catholic Church, is a free, mutual, true promise, vocally expressed between a man and woman who pledge themselves for future marriage to one another. It is a praiseworthy tradition to have a Catholic couple’s engagement solemnized and blessed by the Church. Although it is not a sacrament, it is a sacramental and a canonically binding agreement between both parties.

Since we wished to enter into this agreement, Jeff and I went up to the communion rail to meet the priest once Mass had ended. Then the priest began the ritual with song and prayer. He said,

Beloved of Christ: It is the dispensation of Divine Providence that you are called to the holy vocation of marriage. For this reason you present yourselves today before Christ and His Church, before His sacred minister and the devout people of God, to ratify in solemn manner the engagement bespoken between you.

The priest continued with his allocution and then asked us to join our right hands together.

The priest asked for us to repeat after him, starting with Jeff.

Jeff, holding my hand, looked at me very lovingly, and said,

In the name of our Lord, I, Jeff Rother, promise that I will one day take thee, Danielle Duet, as my wife, according to the ordinances of God and holy Church. I will love thee even as myself. I will keep faith and loyalty to thee, and so in thy necessities aid and comfort thee; which things and all that man ought to do unto his espoused I promise to do unto thee and to keep by the faith that is in me.

Then, looking into Jeff’s eyes, I said,

In the name of our Lord, I, Danielle Duet, in the form and manner wherein thou hast promised thyself unto me, do declare and affirm that I will one day bind and oblige myself unto thee, and will take thee, Jeffrey Rother, as my husband. And all that thou hast pledged unto me I promise to do and keep unto thee, by the faith that is in me.

After, the priest took the two ends of his stole and in the form of a cross placed them over our clasped hands. Then he declared us betrothed and sprinkled holy water over us in the form of a cross. Afterward, he blessed my engagement ring. 

Jeff took the ring and placed it on my index finger saying, "In the name of the Father," then on my middle finger, "and of the Son," and finally placing it on my ring finger, "and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." The priest finished the readings for the Rite of Betrothal and two witnesses came up to sign the document, along with our signatures and that of the priest.

It was a beautiful moment for us and I am very happy we chose to participate in this holy tradition of the Church. I believe it has added abundant blessings and graces to our engagement, which I firmly believe will continue manifest even more fully once we enter into the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

Photography: Alyssa Michelle Photography | Church: St. Joseph Catholic Church, Miesville, Minnesota | Engagement Ring: Gittelson Jewelers