Establishing a Prayer Routine as Newlyweds

CARISSA PLUTA

After the wedding day passes and the honeymoon ends, newly wed couples will soon find themselves establishing everyday routines in their home.

PHOTOGRAPHY: ELIZABETH M PHOTOGRAPHY

In creating this routine, Catholic couples might want to find ways to continually re-focus their daily lives and marriage on Christ. 

Establishing a habit of prayer, particularly prayer with your spouse, can help couples not only grow closer to one another but closer to God, allowing them to more fully receive the graces provided by the sacrament of matrimony. 

Creating a prayer routine as newlyweds may take a bit of time, but worth the investment. 

Talk about your prayer life

Talking about your prayer life with your husband opens the door to deeper communication on spiritual matters and allows you to discern as a couple how the Holy Spirit might be leading you to pray as a couple. 

For example, in talking about our prayer life, my husband and I realized we were both feeling a call to delve more deeply in the scriptures. We then decided to spend some time each week praying Lectio Divina with the Gospels. 

Ask God to reveal how He wants you to pray together and then talk about it with your spouse. 

Start small

Set realistic and achievable prayer goals with your partner and then, fully commit to them. As great as it would be to add a holy hour into your week, it might not be the right choice for you as a couple. 

Trying to achieve some lofty spiritual goals might add unnecessary stress to your marriage and will ultimately make it harder to actually establish prayer as a lasting habit in your relationship. 

If you and your spouse aren’t praying together at all, consider starting with praying before meals or a decade of the rosary before bed. When it comes to praying together as a couple, there is no devotion too small.

Over time, consider challenging yourselves a bit. Try praying a full rosary or a nightly examen. Maybe revisit and pray with your wedding readings every year or add another mass once a week. 

Put it on the schedule

When you and your spouse decide on how you’d like to pray together, determine how often and when you’d like to pray. Put this on your calendar in pen! Prayer is the most important thing you can do as a couple so it should be given priority in your weekly planning.

For instance, my husband and I pray together each night before bed and pray a rosary together every Sunday afternoon. 

Consistency allows an action to take root and cement into a lasting habit.  

Give yourself some grace

Establishing a solid routine may pose challenges for couples just settling into their new lives together, so recognize that this endeavor may take some time and practice. If you forget to do your devotion one day, don’t feel bad about trying again the next. 

Also know that the way you pray together as a couple may change with the different seasons in your marriage. Allow yourselves some flexibility and space to grow as the circumstances surrounding your relationship change. 

Looking for more practical tips on praying together? From the archives, our favorite past posts on the subject:

Editors Share: Our Perspective on Learning to Pray with Your Beloved | The learning curve of combining your spirituality with your beloved’s | 4 Tips for creating a prayer space in your home | Working through spiritual differences when you feel “unequally yoked” | A guided meditation on praying with your wedding vows using lectio divina | How to plan a personal retreat for you and your beloved | Creative Ways To Pray for Your Spouse | Ora Et Labora, Prayer and Work

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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You and Your Spouse Are Works in Progress.

STEPHANIE CALIS

Raise your hand if you thought marriage would change you into the most perfect version of yourself.

...Tell me I’m not the only one with my hand in the air?

Photography: Juliana Tomlinson Photography, seen in Coleen + Matt | Airy Elegance Wedding

Throughout my engagement, I prayed daily for the Lord to form me into the wife he wanted me to be. I asked for the graces of healthy communication, a forgiving heart, and the strength to overcome my bad habits. And yet.

As we settled into our first apartment after our honeymoon, I nitpicked as we cooked dinner, showing my husband the way I liked to chop garlic. I continued my longtime habit of forgetting to turn on the bathroom fan during a shower. I let our time between laundry days stretch to college-student lengths. 

I knew the sacrament of marriage was transformative in the grand scale of my life. What I’d also expected, while hardly realizing it, was that I also thought it would transform me in smaller, more mundane ways. But as I grappled with my same old controlling, bathroom-fogging, laundry-ignoring tendencies, this time with an audience of my husband, I saw that I was still me. Still the woman I was, in all my strengths and especially in my failures, before my wedding day. I now see that’s how it was supposed to be.

It’s true that in matrimony we become really and permanently one with our spouses. An echo of the heavenly wedding feast. In this life, though, as heaven and earth reach toward each other, some transformation requires our own agency. A decision to cooperate with God’s grace. I thought entering a new state of life would change the parts of myself I was unhappy with. But in reality, it was a new opportunity to make those changes, and it was up to me. 

In my realization that getting married didn’t automatically eradicate my biggest weaknesses, I started trying to see my disillusionment—literally, the lifting of a veil—not as an end point, but an invitation.

In my marriage, I’m not called to stay the same forever, but to change. It’s my choice whether to take action, pursuing change for the better, or to let my struggles remain static. To keep them in the dark and blunder on in refusal. Through the love of a forgiving husband who calls me on in my failings and invites me to do the same for him, the Lord purifies and reshapes us both. He asks if we will let him show us the path to true growth and fulfillment. 

His voice beckons: I am with you always.

Have you had a similar experience of expecting marriage to change you? Even now, several years into this call, I still have foolish, fleeting thoughts that I can pray my shortcomings away without actually taking practical steps toward living out my vocation better.

We are all works in progress, and the Father is merciful, there alongside us. I’m reminded of St. Teresa of Calcutta’s words: “I used to think that prayer changes things,” she said. “But now I know that prayer changes us and we change things.”

Whether you’re anticipating your marriage to come, living out the first months of newlywed life, or deep into your vocation and wondering how to grow, may each of us--me included--open ourselves to constant transformation and a deeper understanding of Love’s demands.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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How He Asked | Alexandra + Aidan

Alexandra and Aidan had crossed paths a few times during college, but their friendship didn’t begin until a few years later, as leaders on a retreat. After that, their relationship deepened, and little moments that would become beloved traditions began.

Many love notes, prayers, and candles in a Marian grotto later, Aidan asked Alex to be his wife.

In Alexandra’s Words: Aidan and I met at Mount St. Mary's University while he was a senior, and I was a junior. We had both signed up to be campus ministry leaders during a retreat for incoming college freshmen. Before this, we knew each other in passing, but never talked or hung out in the same crowd.  

During that retreat we really clicked and started to grow feelings for each other. My "weirdness," as Aidan's says, intrigued him and made him think I was cute!

I prayed constantly that God would take those feelings away if it wasn't meant to be, because I had recently left a relationship before Aidan that left me broken. To my surprise, however, the feelings remained, and I allowed Aidan to pursue me. 

At this point, we were “crushing on” each other but were too shy to say it. One night, into the second film of a weekend movie marathon, he finally made his move and reached for my hand. I, however, was completely oblivious and thought he was only moving closer to get a better view of the TV!

Since then, we have used love notes to share our like and (eventual) love for each other. We passed them back and forth before my 10AM class:  Mr. Scott Atkins’ earth science class. These could be a simple "I like you" to a cute message involving puns (“I like you a latte!”) and pictures. This became a tradition, and to this day, we share and collect these little notes. I even have a box made by Aidan to store them all.

As our courtship continued, Aidan and I started another tradition. We met every day before noon Mass in a nearby garden in front of a statue of Mary. Later, every time he came to visit me while he was in dental school, we would sneak into the grotto and light a specific candle to pray for our relationship.

About a year and half later, on April 26, 2019, Aidan took me to a beautiful dinner in downtown Frederick to celebrate my upcoming graduation from the Mount. I suspected that he would propose that evening and was anticipating his every move. Then, during dinner I spotted a very familiar face--it was Mr. Atkins from my junior year earth science class! Aidan and I were both blown away by this coincidence and took it as a good sign; our relationship had come full circle.

After dinner, Aidan took me to the grotto to do our usual candle lighting. At this point, I knew he would propose there! Together, we lit our favorite candle and sat in silence as we prayed. At this point, I think Aidan was sweating as he waited to pop the question. 

I looked more and more excited, and Aidan was becoming more and more aware that I was onto his plan, so he asked if I was ready to leave and go back to my apartment. This was an attempt to throw me off his trail, and I fell for it. Maybe he wasn't actually going to propose. This left me disappointed and saddened. I could have sworn he was going to ask!

Trying to not overthink it, I sat for a couple more minutes to regroup and agreed to go back to my apartment. But as we stood up to leave, Aidan gave me another love note. It was dark, so I had to lean over our lit candle to read it. It said, "How about we make this night even more note-worthy?" (pun intended).

I turned around to find Aidan on one knee with a ring in his hand. "Alexandra Nicole,” he asked, “will you marry me?" I was shocked after thinking he was no longer going to ask, and with shaky knees I kissed him and exclaimed, "Yes!"

Looking back, I see that everything was in God's timing, and with that knowledge comes so much peace, because I no longer need to rely on myself. I can fully trust and rely on a God who loves me more than words and wants what is best for my heart and my soul.

Photography: M Harris Studios | Engagement Location: Our Lady of Lourdes Grotto, Emmitsburg MD| Nuptial Mass: Baltimore Basilica | Makeup: Lou Stevens

Allow Perfect Love to Drive out Fear.

STEPHANIE FRIES

I remember the the insecurities of my heart as a single woman: intimidated by the inherent beauty of womanhood, afraid of being taken advantage of, unaware of the love God shares with the human heart. 

We are affirmed through Scripture that “perfect love drives out fear.” No matter the wounds we bring into relationships, God desires that all of his children experience love with both purity and passion. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: SIMPLE HEART PHOTOGRAPHY

When I started dating the man I would eventually marry, I feared an encounter of passion without purity. Is he just looking at me or does he really see me? Is this a safe relationship to be vulnerable or will I be taken advantage of when I let my guard down?  

I erred on the side of self-protection. With no vulnerability, physical or emotional, there was no opportunity to be the object of someone else’s physical or emotional lust. In short, I was so afraid of being used that I was unable to receive—let alone offer—an honest act of love. 

My then-boyfriend was frustrated yet courageous as he remained patient, honest, and steadfast. And as he pursued me, I felt an increasing desire to pursue Christ. 

Christ instills confidence; through adoration, spiritual reading, and daily Mass, my heart began to soften at opportunities to share my heart with others—despite the potential risks. The ongoing encounters with pure love from a human man and perfect love from God the Father was a catalyst for my heart to more-fully reveal itself. 

When our hearts are exposed, our souls are vulnerable yet free. Free to establish and fulfill a steady identity in God. Free to love and be loved. Free to live abundantly in the spirit. Free to be fruitful in the vocations and Vocation of our lives. 

We don’t have to anxiously wait for a pure and perfect love to find us. God offers each of us his most Sacred Heart, on fire with love and purity, in our day-to-day lives; most powerfully through the Eucharist. He is waiting to tear down the walls we build out of hopeless fear. And as his perfect love drives out fear, we begin to experience life in new ways. 

For some, the freedom found in Christ may grow in tandem with a romantic relationship. But this is not the only freedom offered through God who is love! As fear fades, a life of adventure, joy, hope, and love comes into stronger clarity. When a heart is set free, everything changes.

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband and daughter (Geoff and Abby), a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal…with dessert. Read more

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Ministry Opportunities for Newlyweds

STEPHANIE CALIS

Have you experienced “retreat high?” That feeling of ending a weekend with the Lord renewed in your faith, a fire within, affirmed in your identity, ready to bring the Gospel to everyone you encounter?

I had a wedding high.

Photography: Alicia King Photography, as seen in How He Asked | Jessica + Chris

My husband and I had heard the frequent adage that the first year of marriage would be the hardest. Yet in the joy of finally spending every day and night together after a long-distance engagement, we expressed to each other our surprise that all of the expected challenges of newlywed life felt like ones outside of us, rather than conflicts between us. 

For us, the graces of our new marriage were most evident in our resulting desire to serve other young couples.

We wondered, though, if being “new” at marriage meant we couldn’t offer as much as spouses who’d been married longer and been through more of their vocations’ trials. What we eventually realized was that our newlywed state had fruits of its own, and that couples in every season of married life, from the honeymoon phase through new parenthood, times of suffering, and on into later life, can illuminate particular truths about the heart and bless others by their experiences.

If, as a married couple--perhaps in a new parish--you and your spouse also desire to minister to other engaged and newlywed couples, consider these suggestions.

Serve your parish youth group.

As a high schooler, I remember being struck by the evident happiness and, well, normalness of the several married couples who served as youth leaders. Their sweet attentiveness to each other, strong prayer lives, frequent partaking of the sacraments, and willingness to explain their choices to follow Church teachings made an impact and played a major role in my hopes for a holy, strong, and tender husband.

Are you looking for community? Read 4 tips for becoming a part of parish life.

If your parish has a youth group, consider that simply by being who you are, and just slightly older than the youth you're able to set an example of prayer, chastity, and the pursuit of becoming fully alive in Christ.

Consider a role as educators.

Did any areas of your marriage prep particularly resonate? With your spouse, discern the possibility of sharing your experiences with communication, spirituality, Natural Family Planning, or the adjustment to married life. You might share your stories as a mentor couple or pursue certification in NFP education.

Foster community.

Ministry doesn't need to be formal to be fruitful! If you and your spouse are drawn to the charism of hospitality, you might host weekly or monthly gatherings for other couples in your parish or area. A loose structure of fellowship plus discussion encourages friendships rooted in virtue and gives you companions in the start of your vocation. Consider a potluck meal, followed by a group study, spiritual reading, or viewing a series from Formed.org. 

What if you're drawn to a quieter role?

Embrace the gifts the Holy Spirit places on your heart and trust that the unique way you embody and use your gifts are the most needed for the time and place where you are. One on one friendships with other brides, attending Sunday Mass with your spouse, being honest and authentic in your encounters; all of these speak volumes.

If and when you and your spouse feel called to serve and minister in the Church, know that your witness—in whatever form it takes—is meaningful and draws attention to the Father, the source of all love and communion.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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When the Ring No Longer Fits

CARISSA PLUTA

I haven’t worn my engagement ring in over two years.

PHOTOGRAPHY: FIAT PHOTOGRAPHY

My fingers swelled during my first pregnancy and the already snug band became nearly impossible to slip on and off. 

Now in the midst of a second pregnancy, my wedding band has begun to feel a little tight as well, so it often remains on my dresser with the other one. 

My rings, these sacred signs of the love between my husband and I, of the vows we took, just don’t fit the same way they once did. 

When we were newly engaged, the ring that adorned my left hand was constantly being shown off to friends and family. It was pristine, unscratched; not yet tarnished by the wear and tear of daily life. 

During the wedding, a second ring was added, even more beautiful than the first. It carried with it a new weight as I promised to love my husband until death do us part. 

For the first several months, putting on my rings each morning was almost ceremonial. Never having been a jewelry-wearer, it took awhile for my hand to adjust to the feelings of newness that accompanied it.

But over time, the rings went on more out of habit, the feeling they had brought with them less noticeable.

Similarly, the love we have for our spouse won’t “fit” the same way it did when you were first falling in love, when you could almost taste the excitement and sentimentality of young love. 

The honeymoon phase wears off. Life with your spouse becomes routine and mundanity rules most days. 

The glamor of a fresh love becomes awash in sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and toddlers demanding a snack.

Then there are seasons when the difficulties and sorrows of a fallen world sometimes hit a little too hard. When you can only just see the familiar face of your spouse over the cross placed across your shoulders. 

Your ring won’t fit the same way forever, nor was it meant to. 

As you and your spouse grow through the years, the love between you is no longer shiny, new, and pristine but is rather tested and refined with a purifying fire. 

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Spoken Bride Vendors | Spotlight, Vol. 9

We are proud to serve you through the Spoken Bride Vendor Guide, the first online resource for distinctively Catholic wedding vendors: hand-selected professionals from around the U.S. with not only an abundance of talent, but a reverence and passion for the sacrament of marriage that brings a uniquely personal, prayerful dimension to their client experiences.

With a range of stories, hobbies, and devotions, it’s our privilege to share who our vendors are and connect them with their ideal clients--you, faithful Catholic couples who are energized by working with like-minded, prayerful individuals. Each month, we’ll be introducing, or re-introducing, you to members of Spoken Bride’s vendor community. We encourage you to learn more through their full vendor listings and reach out!

Our featured vendors this month (click to jump):

Emmaus Films
Fenix Photography, Design, & Events
Handmaid Home
Prolific Services

Emmaus Films

Wedding videography; serving Maryland, Virginia, and Pennsylvania.

Kevin Lohrmann grew up with a love for camera work, but after graduating from Franciscan University, he chose to pursue a career in web development instead. The following year, as freelance videography opportunities with Catholic organizations coincided with changes at his company, Kevin took his side hobby full time. Emmaus Films launched in 2018. 

From the start, most of Emmaus’ clients have been Catholic ministries, churches, and individuals. Kevin brings his years of experience to a “personalized, reverent” approach with brides and grooms, striving always to highlight the gift of beauty: “beauty in the sacrament of marriage; beauty in the people's stories; beauty in God's creation.”

I root for...the Baltimore Ravens!

Favorite movie: A Beautiful Mind

Love means: The total self gift of one person to another, while expecting nothing in return. I've also heard it as "The willing of the good of the other, as other."

Learn more about Emmaus Films

Fenix Photography, Design, & Events

Wedding photography; based in Virginia and available for national and international travel.

 Maria W. and her fiancé Dayton have pursued a variety of creative hobbies since their childhoods. When they first learned photography and realized the emotive power of visual storytelling, they were hooked. “Photography is not point-and-click or copying Pinterest poses, it's about creating an environment where you can capture your client's best self, and creatively capturing authentic moments that they will treasure for the rest of their lives.”

 “Our business motto is "God writes the story... we just document it." because we believe that we are just the people who capture the deepest form of love that He can bestow on two people.  We do our best to help our couples keep perspective throughout the wedding planning that even though all of the wedding details are very important, ultimately the joining of them in marriage is the most important part of the day.”

Our coffee order: We prefer Arnold Palmers!

Favorite saint: Kateri Tekakwitha

The best part of working on weddings: Since we spend so much time together on the biggest day of their lives, we love building a relationship throughout [our] couples’ engagements so that by the time of the wedding we are not vendors, but friends. This relationship is what builds trust so that the only thing they need to worry about is being in the moment with their spouse. For us, there is no greater feeling or "rush" than having the honor to capture the exact moment that God joins two souls for the rest of their lives.   

 Learn more about Fenix Photography, Design, & Events | Read Maria and Dayton’s insights into preserving memories beyond social media

Handmaid Home

Custom wedding quilts and bridal party gifts; handmade in North Dakota and available for nationwide shipping.

Kathleen Causapin’s first sewing projects were handmade bags. Years later, she learned the art of quilting and fell in love.

 There’s something special about wedding gifts that don’t stay tucked away for special occasions, but that become a daily, visible part of a couple’s life together. On the couch or hung on a wall, a wedding quilt becomes just that. According to Kathleen, “I see a quilt as a tangible reminder of that special day, with the unique ability to travel with the couple as they enter into the day-to-day life of marriage.” Handmaid Home specializes in quilts and cosmetics bags--the small bags are an ideal bridesmaid gift--with custom colors, designs, and your wedding date.

Favorite prayer: I have a special devotion to the Miraculous Medal.  It was part of our uniform at my high school and we each received a gold Miraculous Medal at graduation, which I still wear and even tied to my wedding bouquet!  Visiting the Shrine of the Miraculous Medal in Paris, where Mary appeared to St. Catherine Labouré, was an incredible spiritual experience. 

Best places I’ve traveled: Jordan is one of my favorites. There is so much history there and because it is relatively untouched, you really feel a part of it. It was incredible to look out from the top of Mt. Nebo and see the Promised Land that God showed Moses. I also studied abroad in Ireland and have been back several times, so it will always hold a special place in my heart.     

 Favorite book: I read Death Comes for the Archbishop, by Willa Cather, two years ago and have been telling basically everyone I know to read it ever since! I think knowing that Cather wasn't Catholic, yet still wrote with such beauty about Catholicism, makes it even more powerful. 

Learn more about Handmaid Home

Prolific Services

NFP Instruction and Fertility Education; based in Texas, with online instruction available worldwide.

From the start of her first NFP class as a bride-to-be, Nia Husk knew she would one day teach it. Captivated by God’s design for the body and the scientific knowledge that illuminates it, Nia became a certified Creighton FertilityCare Practitioner and founded Prolific Services in 2015. 

She and her team offer NFP Instruction according to the Creighton Model, NaPro Technology consulting, and fertility awareness talks. Prolific Services specializes in online instruction, making their services and education available no matter its clients’ locations. Now several years into her business, Nia says, “I'm still loving this way of serving him and my sisters and brothers in Christ as they begin to build their own families.”

On my bucket list: Raise all my kids to be able to defend their faith beliefs, experience Alaska, and try American Ninja Warrior with my hubby. 

Favorite Saints: Edith Stein, JPII, Mama Teresa, Peter Claver, Agnes of Rome, and Padre Pío.

Love means: Willing the good of the beloved.

Learn more about Prolific Services | Watch Nia’s Instagram takeover from Spoken Bride’s Vendor Week

Sally Ann + Alex | Wintry Texas Garden Wedding

Despite a light fall of early-morning snow flurries, Sally Ann and Alex’s January Texas wedding was sunny and green. It was a day of family, friends, garden scenery, and butterflies. It was also an occasion of grace and evangelization, as they celebrated the sacrament in the context of the Mass, a new and beautiful experience for many of their guests. 

From the Bride: Alex and I are converts to Catholicism. Both of us were baptized Catholic but grew up Protestant. Shortly after we started dating, we began attending Mass together and found peace in the liturgy. So we went through RCIA and joined the Church at the Easter Vigil in 2018. We were confirmed one week after we got engaged, and chose Sts. Zelie and Louis Martin, the first married couple to be canonized together, as our confirmation saints.

I had always dreamed of a January wedding; a reason for celebration after most Christmas lights have dimmed and all the leaves have fallen from the trees. 

In Texas, it is also a great excuse for relatives to come experience our mild winters. I was expecting a 70-degree sunny day, but we had rare snow flurries the morning of our wedding. 

Alex is originally from Honduras, and Spanish is his first language, so we incorporated his heritage into our ceremony. My father proclaimed the first reading in English, and his father read the second reading in Spanish, with translations in our wedding program. My godparents were the gift bearers, and our two oldest nephews were altar-servers.

We had many non-Catholics joining us for our ceremony, and we wanted to use our nuptial Mass as a chance to evangelize. In fact, it would be the first time some of our friends had ever attended any sort of Catholic Mass. As converts, Alex and I understood the foreign-feeling of the liturgy for those not familiar with it. So we worked with our priest to provide cues and explanations to help everyone feel comfortable and more fully experience the richness of the Mass. 

Alex has two children from a previous relationship, so we wanted to make them feel included in the ceremony as well. My stepdaughter was a junior bridesmaid, and we gave my stepson the title of junior groomsman. It was important for them to see not just Alex and I joining as one, but all of us becoming one family. 

I wore my mother's veil and late grandmother's pearls, which my mother also wore on her wedding day. We strove to make our wedding “child-friendly” so all families would feel welcome. This meant including lawn games in the outdoor gardens of our reception venue, which also included a playground. Inside, guests of all ages could enjoy the butterfly pavilion. And instead of the traditional bouquet toss, I did a "Baylor bear toss" for the children with a teddy bear from Baylor University, my alma mater and the place where Alex proposed.

Our priest's homily included a reminder never to take each other for granted. While the wedding is one day, marriage is for life, and it is important to recognize beauty in the daily grind of life. 

Alex and I are reminded of our wedding every time we receive the Eucharist together. We chose the Miracle at Cana as our Gospel reading for that same reminder: that we need to invite Jesus into our marriage every day.

Photography: Lightly Photography | Church: St. Thomas Aquinas Catholic Church (Dallas, Texas) | Wedding Reception Venue : Texas Discovery Gardens (Dallas, Texas) | Dress: Morilee from Mockingbird Bridal | Invitations/Stationery/Wedding Website: Minted.com | Veil: my mother's from 1986 | Shoes: Kate Spade for Keds | Jewelry: Kendra Scott | Bridesmaid Dresses: Tulle & Chantilly | Ring: Tiffany & Co (bride's) | Makeup artist: Before the Veil Beauty | Hair: Willie & Coote Salon Willie & Coote | Catering and Floral: Sugar City Celebrations | Groom's Tux and Groomsmen: Men's Wearhouse

Newlywed Life | Yours, Mine and Ours: Sharing Ownership of Belongings Reveals a Shared Life

STEPHANIE FRIES

For me and my husband, moving into our first house was a bit unorthodox. Two weeks after our wedding, we moved to Japan and into a hotel on a military base. Two weeks after hotel-living, we were granted access to our new home with temporary furniture. Two weeks after residing in a home together, my husband was sent off on his first deployment. Two weeks after he deployed, our shipment of household goods arrived for me to unpack and organize. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: SARAH WIRTH PHOTOGRAPHY, LLC.

I felt a tension of emotion in this experience. On the one hand, I was saddened that I could not share this time with my husband, especially because I was opening many wedding gifts for the first time. On the other hand, I could turn up the music and take my time nesting into our new home, preparing it as a gift for his highly anticipated homecoming! 

With every emptied box, our separate contributions were combined within our home. Our extra bedroom, which became an office, was the most visual representation of this new shared ownership of our marriage. His and her pens came together in one jar. His and her book collections came together on one bookshelf. His and her computers were placed on one table. His and her picture frames were displayed in one gallery wall. 

“What’s mine is yours” became really real. With great joy, I realized I married into the three-part Jason Bourne movie series! And with great humility, I relinquished complete possession to my own personal closet and bathroom storage. 

The tangible experience of bringing our things into one home reveals a new shared life. It is simple—almost common sense—but it is profound. Only in marriage are two hearts bound together in an eternal, covenantal union. The environment of our first shared home is the visual representation of this truth. 

Now, one year into marriage, I look in our kitchen and see the heart of our home. I look at our bookshelf and see our growing collection of hobbies, travel guides, and conversations. I look into our original office and I see our first baby’s nursery--the most abundant representation of the union of our love, in a new life. 

Just as our hearts and minds have grown more intimately together through the experiences of our first year of marriage, our home has flourished into a place of complete shared ownership. 

Even more, the home is a place for rest, hospitality, sorrow, joy, relationships, and growth. What realities, what truths, are made visible through the environment of the home and through your experience of sharing ownership with your spouse? 

If you are considering living with a significant other before marriage, consider what it means that the visible reality of your home miscommunicates the the invisible reality of your vocation; though your tangible belongings begin to come together, your lives are not covenantally bound until after receiving the sacrament of marriage.

If you are married, in what ways does your home represent and reveal a truth about the growing unity between you and your spouse? 

The fullness of God’s joy is received when our visible lives reveal his image; we reveal him by becoming who he created us to be. May our lives, and our homes, be a platform to reveal the mystery of the free, total, faithful, and fruitful love of marriage.

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Chastity in Marriage

“All the baptized are called to chastity.” Yes, even you, married friends.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MADI MYERS-COOK

How many of us see Chastity as a virtue necessary only until the wedding night (or if the couple needs to postpone a pregnancy?)

However, practicing this virtue in marriage can continue to strengthen the couples’ relationship for the whole of their lives. 

The CCC defines chastity as “the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being.” 

Humans are sexual creatures. We are body and soul, a cohesive whole, unable to be divided. Our bodies have a unique way of expressing our immortal soul, particularly within the sacrament of marriage and seen most spectacularly in the marital union. 

The marital union is the enfleshment of our marriage vows in which promise to make ourselves a complete and total gift to our spouse. Chastity allows you to make this gift of self and prevents you from seeing your spouse as a means to an end. 

While pleasure is a good of the sexual union, it is not the greatest good. 

More than provide pleasure, sex is meant to unify husband and wife and to bear fruit (both physically and spiritually). Anything that prevents these greater goods, or places pleasure at the center, goes against the virtue of Chastity. 

Chastity requires you to look on your spouse with love and appreciation. It calls you to avoid fantasizing about a more “perfect spouse” whether it be physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

Chastity calls you to guard your mind and heart against pornography or other media (even some romance movies or novels) that can titillate the imagination and make it difficult for spouses to fully partake in God’s plan for conjugal love. 

Chastity is radically counter cultural and demands self-mastery and sacrifice. It requires us to have an ordered love of God and in turn, an authentic love for others.

The obvious way of practicing chastity in marriage is remaining faithful to your spouse, or to avoid looking at another without lust, but chastity goes far beyond that. 

You should avoid over-fantasizing about your spouse to prevent them from becoming a way to merely satiate your sexual desires. 

You cannot isolate sexual pleasure from its procreative and unitive purposes, which means you must avoid contraception and sexual acts (such as oral sex or other forms for foreplay) without the intention of consummating. 

It might not be easy at first, but this virtue is worth cultivating.

The grace of the sacrament of matrimony can help couples live out this call to chastity in their marriages and to more clearly reflect the life-giving love of the Trinity.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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The Habit of Affirmation

CARISSA PLUTA

My husband and I recently formed a little, yet powerful, habit that has strengthened our marriage in more ways than one.

PHOTOGRAPHY: CAITLIN RENN PHOTOGRAPHY

Each evening before bed, we say what about the other we were thankful for that day. 

We began this nightly practice after noticing that so many of our miscommunications and little arguments stemmed from the fact that we sometimes forget, especially during difficult seasons or long days, the love and affection the other holds for us. 

So instead of waiting for those moments when one of us struggles to see it clearly, we make an effort everyday to remind the other that they are seen, known, and loved. 

We were amazed at how a seemingly small gesture can transform a relationship. 

Intentionally and regularly affirming your spouse creates an environment of thanksgiving, encouragement, safety, and love in your home. It can do so much to deepen the emotional bonds between two people. 

Affirmation fosters gratitude.  It has opened my eyes to see even more of the good in about my husband, and made it easier for me to respond to his goodness, even on bad days.

Recognizing and affirming the good in my husband has helped me view, not only my marriage, but my everyday life through the lens of thanksgiving. It has made me more thankful for all of the gifts I’ve been given and see all the ways, big and small, in which God is working in our life and marriage.

Having reminders that you are appreciated and valued in your home and family, especially from a trusted individual, can also provide some much needed encouragement in your pursuit of holiness in this vocation. 

After affirming one another, both my husband and I feel more empowered to wake up in the morning and love each other the way we vowed to. 

Affirmation can allow you to see yourself through the eyes of your beloved, and can help root out the lies you’ve begun to believe about your identity as a wife, mother, and most importantly, daughter of God. 

It can help root you in this identity, opening you up to more fully receive the graces God wants to pour out upon you and your spouse. 

These benefits can only be reaped with practice.

At first affirmation can be difficult to give and to receive, but with time and habitual repetition you will find that it gets easier. 

General affirmations (ie, “you’re such a good husband/wife”) can do wonders for a weary heart; however, more specific affirmations are often more meaningful and memorable so try to be specific when acknowledging the goodness of your spouse. 

And don’t be afraid to receive affirmation with a gracious heart. Don’t try to brush it off or play it down.

Establishing this habit has spoken truth into our life and relationship, often at times when we didn’t even realize how much we needed it. 

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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What Does Sacrifice Look Like in the Everyday? 4 Ideas for Catholic Couples.

STEPHANIE CALIS

At the altar, spouses solemnly profess to lay their lives down for one another, come what may and even unto death. The call to Christ-like love is a high one, worth attention and contemplation. But what about action?

Photography: Laura Gordon Photography, seen in How He Asked | Elizabeth + Matthew

For me, the gravity and huge significance of my wedding vows are beautiful to reflect upon, yet in all honesty, they sometimes leave me thinking, what now? That is, how, exactly am I being asked to live out these promises?

At the intersection of the theological and the practical is action: concrete steps I can take to embody the sacrificial love my husband and I are called to.

Here, if you’ve wondered yourself how to live out sacrifices in life’s daily rhythms, four practices that have helped me.

Consider your spouse’s love language.

Whether your spouse most deeply receives love through physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or quality time, take time to identify particular ways and times of day in which you can express these gestures to one another.

Do you know each other’s love languages? Find an inventory here.

For us, we satisfy my husband’s love language of acts of service, and mine of quality time, when we clean the kitchen together before bed. It sounds simple, but the time spent chatting and helping one another with chores has become a treasured ritual.

Dream together, and work toward a financial goal.

If money weren’t a factor, where would you go? Who would you help? Talk with your spouse about a trip you’d love to take, a city or state where you hope to live long-term, educational possibilities for your future or present children, and the charitable causes you’re most passionate about. Identifying specific matters you most deeply value makes budgeting and saving feel purposeful. Consider evaluating your budget for areas where you can allocate more to your financial dreams or enacting periodic spending fasts.

Offer up your workouts.

When framed in a healthy context, exercise can bear more than physical rewards. Fitness can be spiritual, as well. If you work out, consider offering each mile or each rep for your beloved’s sanctification or for specific intentions.

I find myself continually inspired by Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati’s motto verso l’alto; “to the heights.” A lover of nature, sports, and physical activity, Frassati strove to live beyond mediocrity, not for the sake of greatness itself or for worldly glory, but as an offering to the Father. I seek his example in times when I feel spiritually or physically inactive, knowing that self-discipline leads to true freedom and excellence gives glory to God.

Engage in one of your spouse’s hobbies.

Though my husband and I initially bonded over shared tastes in books and movies, we also have hobbies we each personally enjoy that the other isn’t as interested in. That makes the times we engage in each others’ individual interests that much more meaningful--my husband loves when I sit down to play a board game with him, for instance, and it means a lot to me when he chooses to join in on a show I’m watching.

What are your own individual hobbies? Consider the activities your spouse enjoys on his or her own, and choose to participate now and then. 

Sacrifice speaks a language: I see you. I value you. Your time and interests are important to me. I give of myself to you. What would you add to this list? Share the ways everyday sacrifices strengthen you and your spouse in love.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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How He Asked | Ivana + Samuel

As Ivana and Samuel reflect on their love story, they recognize the supernatural reflections in their human relationship. The path couples walk together toward marriage, although imperfect, remains a symbol of the greater reality of God’s eternal desire to call us to himself.

In Ivana’s Words: Samuel and I met during a night of salsa dancing. One afternoon, after a year of friendship, we realized how well our values aligned and decided to pursue a romantic relationship. We prayed together in front of the Blessed Sacrament at the Church of the Nativity in Menlo Park, California, and felt that, at last, this was the right time for our relationship to begin. 

From that moment on, we intentionally discerned marriage together. Towards the end of dating, before engagement, I prayed a 54-day rosary novena asking Mary to guide us if God was calling Samuel and I to marriage. I asked her to help us be holy, joyful, and pure in our relationship. About two months after finishing my novena, Sam took me back to the same church where he asked me to be his girlfriend. This time he knelt down before me and asked me to be his wife!

God's love is divine and mysterious. We cannot put a limit on his capabilities or an impenetrable box around our human frailties. He will always see our weaknesses and desire to be our strength. 

Likewise, the path to marriage is sometimes messy but also beautiful and transformational, if you choose to let God into your relationship. A woman and man choosing to give their lives to one another and walk together toward heaven is a beautiful sign. It is an earthly reflection of the mysterious way God is always inviting us back to himself.

Photography: Cecile Basnage

Editors Share | Discerning a Vocation

The spiritual life is an ongoing journey, constantly propelling us into new stages and seasons of learning, living and loving. The process of discerning a vocation to single, married, or religious life moves each individual into new realities of more fully embracing the call to holiness through love. 

Today, members from the Spoken Bride team share a little about their own discernment processes and reveal how intimate and unique these journeys are for each person in their walk with God.

PHOTOGRAPHY: RED FERN PHOTOGRAPHY

Jiza Zito, Co-Founder and Creative Director

Throughout my late teens and early twenties, I was seriously discerning the call to religious life. Naturally, I visited the Blessed Sacrament and meditated on the Rosary as often as I could and had regular spiritual direction. When God started to close the doors as my entrance date to the convent approached, it was through the gentle and powerful intercession of Our Lady who made it apparent where God was calling me. 

More of my discernment story is available to read here.

Carissa Pluta, Editor at Large

I always felt a strong call to the vocation of marriage, but it wasn’t until college that I prayed for my vocation with an open heart, really giving God the opportunity to to make His will known. When the call to marriage was made clear (and right after a break-up), I began praying a novena of masses for my future husband and spending time in Adoration. Not only was that time spent with Christ healing for my broken heart, but it deepened my relationship with God, who soon revealed the man I would marry. 

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

I met the man who would become my husband on my first day of high school, when I was only 14. He was a devout Southern Baptist, and I was a devout practicing Catholic. Looking back, I realize this is not the typical story! I can honestly say I always took my Catholic faith quite seriously, even then, but I had never entertained an honest thought about discerning religious life. I almost felt afraid of it, or like the idea of becoming a sister or nun was more of a joke than an actual possibility. 

It wasn’t until more than four years later in college that I met other young Catholic adults who actually “discerned their vocation,” whether to marriage or religious life. This was a new mentality and practice I had never encountered before, but I suddenly felt a strong urge to do some actual discernment myself.

To make a long story short, after some interesting Holy Spirit encounters in adoration, I called up my boyfriend-of-four-years and cut off all communication for a month to immerse myself in discernment of religious life and general spiritual growth (imagine the shock of my poor Baptist boyfriend hearing that).

A month later, after discerning no real call to further explore entering an order, I called up my boyfriend again, who had actually discerned himself in that month that he needed to become Catholic! I was absolutely amazed. He entered the Church nine months before our wedding, and we’ve been married almost two years now. The Lord works in mysterious ways!

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

My discernment process started with a lot of fear. I had a very twisted misunderstanding of what it means to live in collaboration with God. To summarize my experience of vocational discernment, I learned three main things:

1. Through many hours in the presence of the Eucharist, I learned how to differentiate between the voices in my head: between temptation from Satan, pressure from my family, a projection of my own fears or wounds, the voice of God, and the tender love of Mary.

2. Through a monthly novena to St. Therese, I learned to see the equal yet different beauty of each Vocation. I grew in my ability to honor and celebrate the various vocations and the ways each individual is called to love and be loved.

3. Through a lot of grace, I learned how to discern the desires of my heart, which are implanted in my heart as a gift from God. In turn, I began to pursue a vocation to married life with clarity, confidence, freedom, peace, and joy.

Do You Suffer Well Together?

MARIAH MAZA

An audio version of this blog post was featured on our podcast on 11/17/2020.

One of the best bits of marriage advice I received as an engaged woman came in the form of a question: “You both love each other very much, but do you suffer well together?”

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBEY REZ PHOTOGRAPHY

In our first two years of marriage, my husband and I have been handed more crosses than I ever expected. And that’s coming from a woman who walked into marriage expecting my share of suffering--a fruit of my natural temperament. After all, I thought, if our vocation is a large part of what God uses to mold us into saints, part of that refining process will be painful.

But in that time, I have learned about a different kind of pain: that there is nothing more lonely in a marriage than not learning how to suffer well together. As you prepare for marriage with your beloved, do not be afraid to grapple with the question I was once asked.

After a man and woman truly become “one flesh” in the sacrament, they are connected physically, emotionally, and spiritually for the rest of their lives. This supernatural connection bonds you more intimately than any other human relationship on this side of heaven, and it encompasses every part of your new life together, including suffering.

Before marriage, and especially during engagement, many couples walk through difficult seasons. These don’t have to be trials to merely be endured. They can also become a source of redemption and practice for a lifetime of sharing everyday experiences. There is also profound comfort in the knowledge that, after your wedding day, God has reserved generous, specific, and boundless marital graces for you and your spouse to endure “for better or for worse.”

So how can you prepare during engagement to face the crosses of marriage together? An honest discussion is a great start. Take turns asking each other, “when you encounter suffering, how do you respond?”

Maybe your natural response is to talk about your problems, cry, and be held in the embrace of a loved one. Your fiance may say he prefers to distance himself when he’s upset. He would rather think about and process problems alone, and he’s not one to express his negative emotions. Neither of these tendencies are wrong, but in a marriage, different personality traits can clash unexpectedly.

Genuine love means striving to understand your spouse, even (especially) in areas where you are different. These are often the areas that will require the most sacrifice and selflessness. Learning how to allow your differences to complement each other, especially in painful moments, is an ongoing process that is refined over years of marriage. It is something my husband will continue to refine for the rest of our lives. 

And yet, it is possible through the grace of confession and God’s mercy. You’ll learn how to better answer the next important question: “When crosses enter our marriage, how are we going to face them together?”

There is nothing like the feeling of facing a trial as a team, instead of letting it become a source of conflict, isolation, and loneliness. When husbands and wives suffer well together, they grow closer because of the pain, instead of being driven apart. They hold each other in silent but beautiful moments of shared grief, and are a source of comfort to the other.

I will never forget the day my husband and I received particularly bad news. It was the latest in a string of unfortunate events, some we had handled better than others. We sat together on the couch, and I asked, “what are we going to do?” We talked about our fears, honest and vulnerable, and then we held each other. 

We were both afraid of the uncertainties to come, but I found a strength in his arms that almost felt like joy in the midst of grappling with something out of our control. In that moment we faced fear as a team, and I finally began to understand, just a little, what it meant to suffer together.

When my husband and I said our wedding vows, we stood in front of the altar and held a crucifix between us. In that moment, we were a visible symbol of how we were to carry our crosses “until death do us part:” together, with Christ as our binding strength. Apart from the cross, there is no grace to suffer well. United to the cross, our suffering, especially in marriage, becomes something redemptive, refining, and unifying.

In a true miracle of grace, God can bring spouses closer through their crosses, and in the process closer to him. Do not fear the trials that may come in marriage. If you face them together, with courage and prayer, your love for each other can only grow stronger.

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About the Author: Mariah Maza is Spoken Bride’s Features Editor. She is the lead editor for the pro-life non-profit Voices for the Voiceless and one of the journalists behind the Voices Docuseries: West. Read more

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Vendor Week 2020 | Vendors Share: First Steps, Priorities, + Working With Non-Catholic Vendors

As you book your wedding vendors and plan your wedding-day timeline and events, take advantage of your vendors’ expertise! As pros in their respective fields, your vendors are a valuable source of information and assistance with time management. 

We asked Spoken Bride vendors to share their best, tried and true tips for working with your vendors--either Catholic or non-Catholic--from your first days of engagement and on through your wedding day. Here, their responses:

Photography: Mackenzie Baird Photography, c/o Saving the Date Events

What first steps can newly engaged couples take as they look into wedding vendors?

Set clear boundaries. I recommend that everyone involved in planning the wedding--bride, groom, and parents--create a personal list of three priorities for the wedding and three things that are not a big deal. Then, compare. Have a conversation with everyone and create a master priority list. This will help guide your decision-making, as well as your budget. to make decisions. 

Online budget creators are a great tool. Once you have your master priority list, [you’re empowered to] create a budget that reflects your personal priorities, not just industry standards. Together, your priority list and budget will help you narrow down the big selection of vendors. -  Savanna Faulkner, Saving the Date (Wedding Coordination)

 This is quite simple, but so crucial: find a resource that lists potential categories of all the wedding vendors you could possibly need. This will help you to nix the vendors you might not want and then hone your list to those that are non-negotiable. From there, you can play with what’s within your budget for the extra niceties, like a photobooth or décor. -Nia Husk, Prolific Services (NFP Instruction and Fertility Education)

Talk with friends and family who have recently gotten married. For instance, if you are looking for a photographer, ask the couple about their experience, and ask for the link to their entire wedding gallery. With these vendors, as well as others you’re considering, ask yourselves: Do they share my same style + wedding vision in their work? Is creating an authentic relationship with clients a priority for their business? Do they reflect love in their work?

Also, ask your venue if they have a list of preferred vendors whom they enjoy working with; those who take amazing care of their couples and provide a fabulous product. And before booking anyone, meet with them in person first! Make sure you vibe together and that they are a fit both creatively and personality wise. - Michelle and Brandon Horn, Horn Photography & Design

What’s distinctive about what Catholic vendors can offer their clients?

Prayers! As I sew a wedding quilt, I always pray for the recipients-:for peace during their wedding preparations, for grace on their wedding day, and for strength in marriage. I also ask the couple (or the gift-giver!) if there are other intentions they would like me to specifically pray for. - Kathleen Wills Causapin, Handmaid Home (Custom wedding quilts)

Choosing practicing Catholic photographers means you will have photographers who know, understand and value the sacredness of the Mass. They will know when and where they can move in the church for the best photos without ever being seen or disrupting the liturgy. Also, a side perk, is that practicing Catholic vendors tend to know most of the priest and staff in the diocese, as they work with them often and see them at mass. The same holds true for Catholic wedding planners and florists - Michelle and Brandon Horn, Horn Photography & Design

My business is relationship-based (which I love!), and I think most Catholic vendors have a similar business model. When your vendor has a relationship-based business and is someone with similar values to you--and your styles jive on top of that!--I think a deeper amount of trust is built more easily. This trust is important when you're investing with so many different vendors for a very important day! 

 Also, as a Catholic vendor, I pray for my clients during their engagement and during the week of the wedding as I’m designing their wedding flowers. Having extra prayers from those who are helping execute your special day is awesome. - Ashley Krupp, Ashley Eileen Floral Design

I always pray for my couples leading up to their wedding day, and keep them in my intentions long after). It's helpful to have vendors who understand the Mass, and know how to be respectful during the ceremony. All in all, I think catholic vendors can help ease some of the stress, and give you a sense of peace as you prep for the sacrament! - Sarah Wirth, Sarah Wirth Photography

Prayer! Whether the day-of or the months leading up to your wedding, the power of prayer that a fellow Catholic can offer you is awesome. Knowing you can ask for that prayer and share that beautiful aspect with your vendors is so cool! I love being able to tell my Catholic clients I am praying for their relationship from day one. - Lauren Noa, Lauren Emily Photography

Photography: Mackenzie Baird Photography, c/o Saving the Date Events

What are your favorite ways to help couples incorporate their faith into their wedding day?

My favorite way is to encourage a First Prayer prior to the ceremony. This may be back-to-back or a shared Rosary. It is a wonderful moment to add to your day and takes little time to incorporate. - Sinikka Rohrer, Soul Creations Photography

Encouraging couples to provide a beautifully made and thorough Mass program. This is truly an easy opportunity to evangelize non-Catholic guests and encourage everyone to participate in the Mass through song, Liturgy of the Word, and Liturgy of the Eucharist. If you do a Rosary Lasso, washing of the feet for your spouse, blessing of coins, or present flowers to Mary and/or Joseph, you can add these devotions in and explain them in brief. - Nia Husk, Prolific Services (NFP Instruction and Fertility Education)

I love designing the bouquet for Mary that some couples present to her during Mass. I love her, my clients love her, and we all get to honor her on their wedding day with flowers! Oftentimes, I’ll incorporate rosaries or saint medals into a bride's bouquet. I've also had some couples ask for specific flowers tied to their favorite saint, e.g. lilies for St. Joseph and roses for St. Therese. For one of my brides, I was able to use a white rose named after St. John Paul II that I grew from my own garden! If you have a favorite saint, there might be a flower associated with him or her that you can use as a little way to ask for their [intercession]! - Ashley Krupp, Ashley Eileen Floral Design

Our favorite ways to help couples incorporate their faith into their wedding day is to offer times throughout the day that brings in the joy of what we practice as Catholics. For example, inviting couples to provide family religious items for detail shots, a First Prayer or First look right in the church (if allowed by the church), prayer with your bridal party, going to confession right before the Mass if your priest is available, and encouraging our couples to pray together during portraits.- Michelle and Brandon Horn, Horn Photography & Design

I recommend choosing something special related to your faith from your dating days and bringing to the wedding day.  I walked down the aisle with a pair of rosaries my now-husband gifted me while on a trip to Bosnia. I used that rosary every day to pray for our relationship.  After getting engaged, we chose St Padre Pio as our patron to guide us in our marriage. I also find it so special to buy, borrow or receive a piece of jewelry that depicts the Catholic faith, [as gifts between you and your spouse or with your bridal party].   

If there is an opportunity, I recommend that the bride and groom pray before the Tabernacle prior to the processional. In their prayer, they can offer that day up for the sanctity of marriages throughout the world and ask for all Holy Angels and Saints, including their patron saint,  to intercede for their marriage and all married couples always, who entered or will enter into the mystery of this sacrament. - Siggy Evertz, Bebeati Jewelry

How can couples respectfully educate non-Catholic vendors on the religious aspects of the wedding day?

If you choose a non-Catholic photographer, be sure to educate them on the order of the Mass. Often, I'll hear other photographers say that they think of Catholic Masses as being really long without much going on. They stop shooting because, to them, it's redundant. Or they might stay in one spot out of fear that they'll break the church's rules about where a photographer is allowed--some churches are really strict about photographers moving about, but most just want to make sure the photographer is respectful, won't be distracting, and will stay off the altar.  

If it's important to have the Mass documented, you'll need to explain these restrictions and allowances in detail. You might even ask the parish wedding coordinator to help take your photographer around at the rehearsal and identify a safe spot to shoot and where they should be for certain aspects of the ceremony. This can be a lot of information for a non-Catholic to absorb, so I'd suggest they go to the rehearsal and take notes on the program as a cheatsheet. - Claire Watson, Claire Watson Photography

If you are not working with a Catholic photographer, it is important that they know how long your wedding Mass will be and what it means to you as a couple. Assign a friend who knows his or her faith and way around a church and Mass to meet your photographer at the church so they can answer any questions your photographer may have regarding the Mass and what will take place. A non-catholic photographer might not know terms like sanctuary, kneelers, or sacristan. They may not know the order of the Mass, the importance of the consecration, or when you will be able to share your first kiss. Helping them know ahead of time will help your photographer capture the best photos possible.

And the biggest tip: this is your day to soak in all the sacrament of marriage has to offer. Feel the freedom to share your faith with all your vendors! Let them truly know what this day means for you. - Michelle and Brandon Horn, Horn Photography & Design

Vendor Week 2020 | A Photographer's Tips for a Sacred, Memorable "First Prayer" Before Your Ceremony

SINIKKA ROHRER

Your wedding photographer is there to help you discern and plan a First Look before your wedding ceremony begins. A First Look, in addition to offering you and your spouse a moment of personal joy and quiet, makes it possible to get many portrait photos out of the way prior to guests arriving and minimizes the time guests are waiting for the reception to begin. As you plan your timeline with your photographer, talk together about whether you'd like to do a First Look and if you’d like to bring in an element of prayer.

Photography: Soul Creations Photograhpy, seen in Amy + Jay | Fort Harrison Wedding

Whether as a supplement to or substitute for a First Look, I highly recommend considering a First Prayer—not just for photos, but also for a phenomenal, precious moment that you and your beloved can hold on to tenderly before the day begins. 

Will you and your beloved have a First Look? Read more about considerations for making the decision.

As you and your beloved stand back to back, it not only gives your photographer time for additional images, but allows for a sacred, silent moment of alone time—something couples tend not to have much of throughout their day.

Here, 3 steps toward making your moment together sacred and special:

Stand back-to-back

One of my couples, Becca and Brian, wanted to have their First Prayer in the chapel, under the cross of Christ, on their wedding morning. Before we led Becca to her place, Brian had already been positioned, with his body faced away from the door as he stood beneath the cross of the One who loves him so deeply. 

After Brian was prepared, my team led Becca to her place as well, knowing in moments she would be in contact with her groom. Even though she wasn’t able to see him, they were right where they wanted to be: next to each other.

Hold hands

My husband and I chose a First Prayer ourselves for the morning of our wedding. We each brought a card for one another to read, and after doing so, we held hands for what seems like the longest moment of the day. Holding his hand helped me feel connected, united, and secure. He wasn’t going anywhere, and I wasn’t either. We hung on for what seemed an eternity. 

My clients Amanda and Craig held hands, as well, around the large, wooden door that would open again later when Amanda stepped down the aisle for her bridegroom to behold her. 

See Amanda + Craig’s First Prayer and their Classic Ballroom Wedding in Indianapolis

In this moment, Amanda squeezed Craig’s hand tight and let tears slide down her face. She was with her beloved, and no matter what difficulties had come that morning, she was reminded of their sacred bond, their journey to this day, and their unconditional love. 

Pray. 

As each of these men stood waiting to hear the voice of their brides, I placed my own hand on their shoulders and prayed: that they let Christ lead their marriage and lean on his shoulder as their family leans on them. I prayed they see Christ when they see their brides, knowing the love of these women perfectly reflects the heart of God. 

And as these brides, Becca and Amanda, stood anxious to approach their beloveds, I took their hands and prayed, as well: that they lean close to Christ’s chest just as they lean on their spouses’. That they support and walk closely with God, becoming more and more like him, and that they see Christ when they see their groom, knowing his love perfectly reflects the heart of God.

As they stood back to back, hands joined on opposite sides of the door, they prayed. Some of my couples choose to say a Hail Mary, some a Rosary or Chaplet, and some choose spontaneous prayer.

I encourage you to consider including a First Prayer in your timeline! Those moments that you have together are beautiful and will be captured for your album, but the sacred bond that you will feel is even more incredible. 

Take these moments to unite your heart with the sacrament about to take place. I wish you all the best on your engagement journey! 

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About the Author: Sinikka Rohrer is a Christian wedding photographer and Spoken Bride vendor on mission to encourage brides with practical and spiritual encouragement on the way to the aisle. She is a lover of all things healthy, early morning spiritual reads, and anything outdoors.

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Vendor Week 2020 | Embracing Moments More Than Social Media

DAYTON & MARIA

Lights. Camera. Post. After a moment takes place, it can feel like a race to document it and post it on social media. 

What used to be experiences shared only by the people present has evolved into an event valued by the number of likes, comments, or shares it gets, not unlike a competition TV show where your peers are the judges and your followers are the audience voting from home. 

Don’t misunderstand me! We also posted when we got engaged, when we had engagement pictures taken, and we’re excited to share future wedding photos. With a balanced mindset, social media can be a great tool to share moments with a larger group. 

Photography: Fenix Photography, Design, & Events LLC

As a wedding photographer, though, what can be problematic is when choosing vendors  shifts from Who can capture my day authentically and with a style I like? to Who is trendy or has been reposted on featured accounts and will get a lot of likes?

Consider past generations’ experiences: no app to search wedding hashtags; destination elopements, lavish estate weddings, or rooftop receptions. The quality of a photographer’s work wasn’t based on followers and likes—all that mattered was if you and your fiancé “liked” it, not thousands of others. 

Today, so  many brides immediately feel overwhelmed by a cloud of comparison when they start the wedding planning process. Naturally it’s easy to lose sight of what is truly important about the day--entering the sacramental union of marriage.

As photographers, we absolutely understand and encourage prioritizing photography for their wedding, but we also encourage couples to focus more on finding someone that is the right fit for them and your  day—and less on whose pictures are the first search result on social media. 

Do we construct our couples’ wedding timelines to allow ample time to take beautiful portraits of the two of them, including extra time at sunset? Yes! Do we make sure to get “the shot” which shows both their emotions and the scenery in such a stunning way that it makes the perfect wall canvas? Absolutely! But during an authentic interaction, the best photographers will never be so focused on the most aesthetically pleasing shot that the attention shifts to taking the picture, rather than the moment itself. 

Of course, as photographers we’re constantly moving, climbing, and laying on the ground to get the best shots, but in doing so we’ll never compromise the moment. If we see your grandmother embracing you at the water station, for instance, we are going to take the best picture, with the best angle we can, at that time. Could we interrupt and ask you both to move over to the flower covered arch and re-create the hug again to make the shot “prettier”? Yes. But we never would.

When you look back at the image years from now, we want you to remember how your grandmother pulled you close, whispered wise words about love, and clutched your wedding dress that had pieces of her own sewn into it. Even though you’ll still have posed portraits with her from earlier in the day, the water station picture is the one you will show your children and say, This was your great-grandmother.

We tell all our brides, “your wedding day is an experience, not a glorified photoshoot.” We don’t want our brides to condense one of the biggest days of their lives into a certain short window, which is why our services include all-day coverage. If we really are putting the client’s investment where our mouth is, then in order to authentically capture the day we know we must allow time for those moments to naturally happen. 

As photographers, we frequently think of ourselves as directors. We’ve developed a sense for when it’s time to give direction and when it’s time to say action and then disappear into the background. For example, if a bride chooses to do a First Look, we will do our job to ensure  the location, angle, and lighting is the best for that spot, then step back and capture the entirety of the interaction until its natural end. 

We don’t have to coach you on how to hug, smile, or cry because the only reaction we want to photograph is the one that naturally happens--which is always the most beautiful. 

Have you noticed when wedding stories make the evening news or go viral online, they almost always revolve around an intensely emotional encounter? A bride is walked down the aisle by her ailing father; a handicapped groom surprises his bride by standing for part of their first dance; a letter titled “read this on your wedding day” is given to a bride that her mother wrote years ago before passing away. The meaning of these experiences walking, dancing, and reading can’t be rehearsed for the camera. 

The sooner you choose to let go of  “the perfect wedding day,” the fewer  distractions and greater focus on prayerful growth you’ll experience during your engagement. A wedding is one day, but marriage is eternal. Whether you have your reception in a small church hall, or at the most luxurious venue, you still are experiencing the day with the same people.

You can put a price tag on almost everything associated with your wedding day, except for the priceless interactions you have with your loved ones, whether that’s a dedicated handful or a loving army. 

The day you became one in spirit with your spouse is irreplaceable. That is why we believe in moments over social media.  

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About the Authors: Dayton & Maria are an (almost) husband and wife documentary photography team based in Virginia and the owners of Fenix Photography, Design, & Events LLC. Their business motto: "God writes the story; we just document it." “Moments in life are fleeting,” they share, “so it's our job to capture the most joyous ones for you to remember for the rest of your life."

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Vendor Week 2020 | A Wedding Planner's Tips for Getting Married in a Historical Catholic Church

JOY FOSTER

Many couples choose to get married in beautiful, landmark Catholic churches that often have a historical significance to them. These churches are known for welcoming non-parishioners when celebrating the sacrament of matrimony. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABERRAZIONI CROMATICHE STUDIO, SEEN IN FABIOLA + COLE | VATICAN CITY BASILICA WEDDING

However, this is more than just the “Catholic” version of a destination wedding. It’s also a viable option for couples who have chosen a wedding date only to discover their parish is not available (already booked, major renovation scheduled, etc.). Others may find their own church too small to accommodate a large guest list. Some may look for a “middle ground” location when families live on opposite sides of the country. Or maybe the bride or groom has a family connection going back generations, and they wish to continue the tradition of marrying at a specific church; no matter if they live two parishes over or a thousand miles away.

Whatever the reason, a wedding taking place in an opulent, historic church offers a wonderful opportunity to evangelize via the atmosphere. The sacred surroundings set the tone for prayer and reverence. The story of salvation history is told in the stained glass windows and frescoes that are usually in abundance. 

This gives your guests an opportunity to witness the holy beauty of our faith in a way they may never have been exposed to before. It is wonderful to bring a more sacred approach to the celebration of marriage (as does any Catholic wedding) in a world where the current trend for marital celebrations is usually a themed party that can take place anywhere.

With that in mind, here are some important things to remember as you plan your wedding at a historic Catholic church.

Take into account any extra cost

However, one concern with not being a parishioner of a particular church is the cost. In most churches the fee is significantly more for a non-parishioner compared to that of registered and active parishioners. You could view paying the wedding fee as an act of generosity to a place whose operating and general maintenance costs can be astronomical--especially since many of these churches have significantly fewer parishioners than those in suburban areas. 

By getting married there, you are also honoring all the founding families whose financial sacrifices helped to build a magnificent church. One boost to your wedding budget is that such a facility rarely needs any additional décor like altar arrangements or pew ribbons, so many couples only purchase bouquets, boutonnieres, and corsages when making floral selections.

Become familiar with their policies

Additionally, the logistics involved with getting married outside your own parish can take more navigation than scheduling a wedding at your own. Before you book a date, look over the church’s guidelines and policies very carefully (a good reminder regardless of where your wedding is taking place). This goes a long way in preventing last-minute disappointments regarding what is allowed for music, decorations, dress code, and access times. 

Contact their wedding coordinator

Keep in consistent contact with the parish wedding coordinator throughout the scheduling process, and don’t hesitate to reach out to them should any questions arise. If a church is hosting a fair amount of non-parishioner weddings, they will usually have someone to assist you throughout the process, or someone who can direct you to the appropriate person to help with your concern. 

Get permission from your pastor

The final sentence of Canon Law 1115, under “The Form of the Celebration of Marriage” stipulates that, “With the permission of the proper ordinary or proper pastor, marriages can be celebrated elsewhere.” In basic terms, if you wish to be married outside your geographical parish or where you are a registered parishioner, you need the permission of your pastor. That usually involves having your parish priest write a letter giving permission for the marriage to take place in another parish (or university chapel or shrine).

Choose your officiant

Very often, the historic church hosting your wedding will require you to provide your own officiant. If so, he must be a Catholic priest or deacon in good standing within his own diocese or religious order. His bishop or superior will need to provide documentation of this, via a Letter of Good Standing or Testimonial of Suitability for Ordained Ministry. These forms can usually be found on your diocesan website or by contacting the Office of Marriage and Family Life. 

Make arrangements for marriage prep

You may also need to make arrangements for required marriage preparation with your officiating priest or deacon, or perhaps the pastoral associate from your home parish. Some hosting churches offer the use of their own priest or staff to conduct marriage prep, but this is not common, so be prepared to need a little extra time and paperwork before your wedding is officially on the schedule.

Work with the parish when planning your music

Because most of these facilities have a pipe organ, they may require or strongly recommend the use of their parish organist or liturgical musicians. This helps to ensure appropriate liturgical music is used for your ceremony, and a large pipe organ is quite useful for filling an entire cathedral with beautiful, sacred music.

Finally, when getting married in such splendid surroundings, there can be a tendency to feel like everything has to be perfect, perhaps even more than if you were in the familiar environment of your home parish. Don’t let those feelings and pressures take hold. Focus on the beauty of each moment, regardless if your wedding takes place in a chapel, a local parish church, a cathedral, or a basilica. At the end of the day, you and your beloved are now "Mr. and Mrs.", joined in one flesh before God, and that's what matters most.

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About the Author: Joy is co-owner of Something Blue LLC, a wedding planning and coordination service for couples marrying within the Catholic Church. Prior to starting her business in 2018, she served as On-site Coordinator for her parish, which happens to be one of those ornate historic churches that welcome non-parishioner nuptial celebrations.

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Introducing Spoken Bride's 2020 Vendor Week! Tips, Education, and Exclusive Planning Info from Catholic Wedding Pros

This January 11-19 is our annual Vendor Week: days dedicated to showcasing the best of the Catholic wedding industry through Spoken Bride’s blog content and social media. 

Videography: Visual Rose Films by Nick DeRose, a Spoken Bride Vendor. The bride, Kate Capato of Visual Grace, and wedding photographer, Emma Dallman of Emma Dallman Photography, are our vendors, as well!

The Catholic wedding industry? Yes, it’s a thing! We are proud to offer the Spoken Bride Vendor Guide, the first wedding directory specifically designed to connect brides and grooms with planners, photographers, florists, artisans, and more who share the same faith and bring a distinctively Catholic outlook to their client experience.

Don’t miss our first vendor takeovers, featuring Evan Kristiansen of Evan Kristiansen Photography and Nia Husk of Prolific Services, a certified fertility education resource, over this weekend! Follow us on Instagram @spokenbride.

At the start of this post-holiday engagement season, we invite you to browse the Spoken Bride Vendor Guide as you begin booking your wedding vendors. Each of our vendors is a true gift, offering their talents for the glory of God and sharing of themselves, their stories, and unique personalities. 

Are you a Catholic wedding vendor interested in learning about Vendor membership? Read about membership benefits and join our waitlist here.

Follow along on our blog and Instagram this week for exclusive and personal education, tips, Days in the Life, and Q+A you’ll only find from Spoken Bride vendors. Forthcoming topics include…

• Tips for planning a pre-ceremony “First Prayer”

• Considerations for marrying at a church that isn’t your home parish

• Vendors’ tips for first steps in finding, choosing, and booking your wedding professionals

• Ways to communicate the importance of your Catholic faith with your vendors

• Instagram takeovers by a marriage therapist, a jeweler, an NFP instructor, wedding photographers, and more

Recently engaged and booking your vendors? Browse the Spoken Bride Vendor Guide:

Photography | Wedding Coordination | Bridal Attire & Jewelry | Stationery & Hand Lettering | Floral Design | Videography | Gifts & Home Décor | Marriage & Family Therapists | NFP Instructors | Music

Above all, weddings are about the personal: who you and your beloved are, and the professionals you invite in to help tell your story for generations to come. Our vendors are single, engaged, and married, alive with passion for their craft and their Catholic faith. They, and we, are so eager to share and correspond with you this week! Don’t hesitate to engage online and on social media with your questions and thoughts—it’s our hope that this week is mutually enriching, informative, and fruitful as you prepare for your wedding and marriage.