Vendor Week 2021 | What is Your Relationship Founded On? Scriptures to Ground You Throughout Engagement & Marriage

KRISTEN McGAUGHEY & SINIKKA ROHRER

If 2020 taught us anything, surely it is that life is unpredictable and uncontrollable. Reflecting on the year that passed, and sitting in the tension of these current tumultuous days, I have found myself frequently running back to consider three questions:

1. Where does my hope lie?

2. What am I trusting in?

3. Do I really believe that God is good?

Photography: Soul Creations Photography

This may seem like a weird way to begin a blog post on marriage. But I've found it to be so true that what I believe, trust in, rely upon, and adhere to affects my entire life, and moreover my marriage. We must be anchored to truth and have a firm foundation on which to stand!

Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:24-25 that Everyone who listens to these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock.r 25 The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and buffeted the house.s But it did not collapse; it had been set solidly on rock.

When the foundation was solid, the house stood. What does that mean for us today?

If you look closely at this verse, you'll see that Jesus gives us a few key instructions.

First, we must 'hear his words'.

God has given us a treasure by giving us his Word, the Bible. We see the heart of our Father in these pages. We see the life and teachings of Jesus. We see the power of the Holy Spirit.

Hebrews 4:12 tells us that Indeed, the word of God is living and effective, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating even between soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and able to discern reflections and thoughts of the heart. Scripture changes us! We must be women of the Word to establish our lives and our marriages on a solid foundation.

Secondly, in the verse, Jesus tells us that we not only need to hear his words, but also to do them.

The book of James echoes that same instruction, Be doers of the word and not hearers only... (James 1:22).

Thirdly, Jesus warns us that the storms will come.

He tells us in John 16:33 that in the world we will  have trouble (emphasis mine), but to take heart, for He has overcome the world. It is this that gives us reason to have hope, firm and secure (Hebrews 6:19).

We do not have to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34) for he will never leave or forsake us (Joshua 1:9), as he is with us always. (Matthew 28:20). What beautiful promises we have to cling to, whatever life may throw our way throughout our marital journey.

I don't know how 2020 shook out for you and your groom, or how the forecast for 2021 is looking. Maybe you're currently still trying to figure out rescheduled wedding plans. Maybe you had a quarantine wedding where most attended via Zoom. Maybe you're newly married and trying to figure out this new season of life as a wife. Maybe you're five, ten, or fifteen years married with a crew of babies underfoot.

Whatever your season may be, these things are vital to consider. We will never outgrow our need to center ourselves on Truth. We will never arrive at a place where we don't need to be in the Word, in prayer, and in fellowship. 

We will never escape our desperate need for Christ.

Jesus tells us in John 15:5, I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing. A branch will wither apart from the vine, and so it goes with us; we must cling to Him, building our days, our marriages, and our lives on the solid rock of Jesus Christ.

As you consider these things, I'd like to encourage you to spend some time reading the following Scriptures this week:

Philipians 2:1-18

John 15:1-27

Ask the Lord to show you how these truths can be applied to your life right now:What does it look like to love your fiancé? How can you demonstrate the love of Christ in your daily living? What does obedience to his Word look like right now?

I am praying that you will be rooted and grounded in love, that you may be able to comprehend the width, length, depth, and height of Christ’s love. My team and I  pray you may truly know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge, and be filled with all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:17-19).

We are praying that your marriage be blessed, and that you will continue to build your marriage on the firm foundation of Jesus, and always abide in him, being hearers and doers of the Word. May you feel the Lord’s presence around you as we lift you up!

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About the Authors: Kristen McGaughey and Sinikka Rohrer of Soul Creations Photography are part of an Indiana-based photography team offering a unique client experience centered on spiritual and practical support for Christian and Catholic brides on their way to the aisle and all throughout their marital journey.

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Newlywed Life | Lessons in Love from Quarantine

STEPHANIE CALIS

If hours spent indoors alongside my husband, inhabiting the same four walls for days on end has revealed anything to me, it’s this: in marriage, there is nowhere for me to hide.

And as we enter our eleventh month of quarantine amid COVID-19, I’m actually grateful for the purification we’ve undergone. In these months of increased isolation, my shortcomings have never been more pronounced. To acknowledge them, rather than to hide, has been an ongoing pursuit.

Photography: Shannon Acton Photo, seen in Sandra + Shaheen | Glamorous Orange County Wedding

Has your relationship undergone something similar? Being home together more frequently than we ever have before has shown my husband and I who we are, and on the best days, has given us the resolve to be more who the Lord calls us to be. If the pandemic has also brought you and your spouse to this level of deeper--and sometimes, more painful--vulnerability, here I’m humbly sharing some of the lessons and fruits I’ve experienced:

It’s okay to do things differently.

In the early weeks of lockdowns, my husband and I bickered constantly over our daily routines: what was the better way to load the dishwasher? Why didn’t he make the bed right after waking? Why did I let unread texts and emails accumulate in my notifications?

While it sounds blatantly obvious to recognize that most daily tasks have no moral dimension, we struggled so frequently with thinking our personal ways of doing things were the only way. As time passed, we talked about inviting the divine into the mundane of our routines--that is, remembering even with our differing habits, we’re on the same team for life. 

Apology is a language.

Much like receiving love, receiving and accepting apologies takes on particular meaning to every person. Have you and your spouse ever discussed your “apology language”? Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, cites “expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting,” and “requesting forgiveness” as distinct languages of apology. I encourage you to talk with your spouse about what words and actions you each find most impactful and provide the most closure on an issue. This apology quiz by Dr. Chapman can help illuminate ways to facilitate meaningful apologies in your relationship.

In a time when my husband’s and my tempers have flared more frequently, quick apology and sincere forgiveness have made a noticeable difference in the overall tenor of our days. 

Loving encouragement is a skill you can develop.

My husband and I trust each other with our failings and try to receive correction humbly and honestly. Emphasis on try. In these months at home, there has been such a stripping away of myself before the man who calls me on at my worst and still sees the best in me. 

It’s become increasingly clear to us that how we call each other on is just as important as when we do (that is, not when one of us is preoccupied or when our kids require our presence and attention), and what issues we choose to bring up with one another. Instead of saying things like “Man, can’t you put your phone down?”, something more like “Is all this constant internet time the most fulfilling thing for you right now?” expresses the same sentiment in a constructive, thought-provoking way. Words matter, and my husband and I have been challenged to make our communication more loving and clear.

Enter into your shortcomings--but don’t stay there.

In quarantine there is, quite literally, no place to run. What could be an occasion to turn inward in my shame has instead shown itself to be an opportunity to go outside of  myself--confronting my weakness instead, and allowing the Lord to bring my husband and I into a deeper union.

Deciding to own up to my bad habits and daily failures hurts. But like removing any disease or poison, there is restoration on the other side of the pain. If I were to deny my mistakes, rationalize them, or refuse to believe I’m ever in the wrong, I can only imagine a bone-deep sense of loneliness. When I ask my husband’s forgiveness for my instances of impatience, bad moods, or criticism, I’m realigning myself with him, knowing that to be in error alongside him is more consoling--and more productive--than remaining unapologetic in my pride, alone. 

“It’s amazing how God has designed marriage for the salvation of the spouses: you have the choice to either close in on your selfish tendencies, refuse to serve each other and end up broken and alone. Or you can choose to learn how to place the other first, to serve each other in sacrifice and find happiness. The choice is our own.”

If the pandemic has left your home life struggling, know you aren’t alone. Communication, apology, and mercy are foundational skills we can always grow in, with the help of grace and the support of a loving spouse. Whenever the time comes that my husband and I are no longer working from home and together nearly 24/7, I pray I’ll look back on this time as one of great growth.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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How Men Can Be Supportive in NFP

BRIDGET BUSACKER

Every couple’s NFP journey looks different, especially in regards to the role the husband plays in it. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: AN ENDLESS PURSUIT AS SEEN IN ROBYN AND GREG’S SPRING-INSPIRED WEDDING

Some couples split the tasks of charting, with the woman checking her mucus sensations and the husband inputting the data into the chart. Others talk about the chart findings that the woman recorded each day. Some are altogether separate in the process, aside from regular communication about family planning (which is usually inevitable when using NFP). 

There is no one way to practice NFP as a couple. It’s all about finding what works for you both and falling forward together. You are on a journey to understand the woman’s fertility and how to navigate the conversations of family planning with God at the center of your discussions. 

It’s not always sunshine and roses and there can be painful or hard seasons with practicing NFP, but it’s through the painful moments that we grow and we come out stronger.

Ultimately, men do have a role in NFP, but it doesn’t need to focus on the specifics of charting. 

What men, husbands, need to do in the realm of NFP is to acknowledge the work of charting and the beauty of the woman’s, wife’s, body as its own - her own - beautiful, God-given masterpiece.

NFP invites men and women not to see each other as objects, but rather as subjects. And, these subjects are meant to be loved, cherished, and cared for by both spouses, reciprocating a Christ-like love in the journey of their marriage. This can be a purifying fire, but one that helps to forge and create newness within the relationship.

As a husband, you will be challenged to strip away the lust that cries in your heart through the practice of NFP. 

What does this look like? It looks different for every marriage and it is your duty - your great honor - to find ways to love your wife in this space that best fits you both. 

It might look like coming up with a list of creative ways to love your wife when you’re in a season of abstinence and you’ve prayerfully discerned that God is not calling you to have a baby. 

You can offer a sympathetic ear to your wife who finds charting hard or frustrating instead of trying to immediately fix the problem. 

You may find ways to introduce foreplay into your sex life to help your spouse feel more loved and encouraged in intimacy together, so that you both find it enjoyable. 

Again, this is about your marriage, so get creative. Understanding what makes your spouse feel known and loved is powerful knowledge, especially in seasons of abstinence.

Related: How to Connect With Your Spouse While Postponing Pregnancy

Most importantly, it’s striving to keep communication open and praying for your marriage and your sex life regularly, asking God to help purify your love for your wife. 

NFP is not always easy, but it provides an opportunity for authentic connection, increased intimacy, and rooting out lust in your hearts, so that you can have a thriving marriage and sex life.

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About the Author: Bridget Busacker is founder of Managing Your Fertility, an online, one-stop shop of Natural Family Planning (NFP) resources for women and couples. She is on a mission to fuse the science of Fertility Awareness Based Methods (FABMs) and Theology of the Body (TOB) into the everyday practice of NFP. Bridget is passionate about women’s health and sex education that promotes the dignity of the human person by integrating a holistic approach to self-knowledge of the body.

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Introducing The Spoken Bride Community! | Our New Platform for Dialogue, Prayer & Relationship.

Spoken Bride’s mission is rooted in a culture of encounter: the power of dialogue, goodness, truth, beauty, and holy marriages to draw others into the loving heart of our Creator. 

Earlier this year when we felt a nudge to forge deeper personal connections--true encounter--among our brides, team members, and vendors, we set out to find the best way of doing that.

We are proud to introduce The Spoken Bride Community, launching January 4.

The Spoken Bride Community is a feed-style app we designed to be different from any other feed out there, with greater depth and a leap from screens to real life: one that invites pause over more scrolling, conversation over surface-level comments, rest over restlessness.

We created The Spoken Bride Community to bring you together with other Catholic women who are joyfully pursuing the vocation to marriage, through:

• Exclusive prayer events

• Conversation prompts

• Wedding & marriage education from our team’s experts

• Virtual small groups tailored to your location and season of your vocation

You’re invited.

How do I join The Spoken Bride Community?

The Spoken Bride Community runs through the Mighty Networks app, available in your phone’s app store or accessible here from your desktop. Download the app and create a username and password. On January 4, log in and, when prompted, search for Spoken Bride and request to join.

How is The Spoken Bride Community different from your blog, Instagram, or Facebook?

Spoken Bride’s blog and social media are impactful platforms for sharing the spiritual and practical content we create for brides-to-be and newlyweds, highlighting Catholic wedding vendors, and showcasing real couples’ divinely written love stories. We love seeing you share our content and tag your friends, trusting that the Holy Spirit speak to our brides the words they most need to hear.

For all these strengths, though, do you ever find yourself wishing social media allowed for...more? More genuine dialogue and meaningful encouragement. More long conversations. More opportunities for real-life friendships. With The Spoken Bride Community, our goal is to meet these needs, offering daily opportunities to share your opinions, intentions, questions, and experiences through conversation and prayer. We can’t wait to join you in your vocation through monthly prayer events, Ask Me Anythings, planning education, and more.

Is it free?

The Spoken Bride Community will be a paid membership platform. For about the monthly cost of two small (or one large!) coffees, you’ll have access to this group of women--brides-to-be, newlyweds, wedding industry pros, and members of the Spoken Bride team--committed to living out their call to marriage with all its realness and supporting one another as sisters in Christ.

It’s our goal that our offerings through the Community, along with your involvement and input, will be fruitful and valuable; a daily investment in your marriage and spiritual life.

What about my fiancé or husband?

We’re eager to highlight both the feminine genius and the gift of authentic masculinity through the topics we’ll share in The Spoken Bride Community. Those of us on the team who are engaged or married can’t wait to have our beloveds join in on prayer events and share on the wedding planning process from the groom’s perspective!

We made this platform for you, and can’t wait for the contributions and fruits your unique voice will bring. See you there for honest conversation, authentic relationship, and prayerful support.

Announcing Our First Black Friday Event! We're Here to Serve You Today Through Cyber Monday

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Whatever you need for your wedding and gift list, we’ve got you.

This weekend, we’re offering the beautiful, practical, and distinctively Catholic products in our Shop at a limited-time discount--so it’s easier than ever to simplify your wedding plans, shop for the women in your life, and prepare for married life with your whole heart. 

Mark your calendar now for these upcoming sales:

Friday, November 27: All wedding programs $10 off

Saturday, November 28: All prints, $5

Sunday, November 29: 10% off all tees, mugs, & totes

Monday, November 30: 15% off our Catholic Wedding Workbook & Mini Guide Sets

Wherever you are in your engagement or newlywed journey, we’d love to serve you. See you there!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year | Holiday Roundup

With the start of the holiday season less than a week away, we at Spoken Bride want to help you fully and joyfully enter into this meaningful time of year. 

Here are our favorite pieces from the archives on liturgical living, Christmas weddings, creating traditions with your spouse, and more. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: I’M MARY KATHERINE AS SEEN IN MARY-KATE + FARIS’ EMERALD CHRISTMASTIDE MANOR WEDDING

Liturgical Living + Advent

Cooking Through the Liturgical Year | Liturgical Living ideas | Creating Advent traditions in your marriage and family | Creating Holiday Traditions as a Couple| Engagement as a “Little Advent” |A reflection on waiting and anticipation, and their surprising fruits during engagement | Waiting in Joyful Hope | Meditations on Our Lady’s Immaculate Conception, celebrated December 8 | Thoughts on embracing seasons of preparation. 

Relationship Health During the Holiday Season

5 Tips for balancing family, social events, and time as a couple during the holidays | How to Decide Whose Family to Visit for the Holidays| Distinctively Catholic ideas for celebrating the Christmas season with your beloved | How to avoid fights about money | Spiritual Tuneups for Couples | The Habit of Affirmation | How to Apologize

Hosting and Gift-Giving

5 Creative gift ideas for newlyweds | 4 Winter Hospitality Ideas | Editors Share their Strategies for Giving Gifts to their Spouses | Gifts, Prints, and Digital Downloads from the Spoken Bride Shop | Prayer Books for Brides | Stewardship in Marriage

Holiday Weddings

Maria and Patrick’s Rustic Christmastide Georgia Wedding | Sally Ann and Alex’s Wintery Texas Garden Wedding | Mary-Kate and Faris’ Emerald Christmastide Manor Wedding | Spoken Bride Features Editor Mariah Maza shares the story of her Christmas Octave wedding and tips for planning your own | Claire and Andrew’s blue and silver wedding in a Tennessee cathedral, celebrated on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception | Bridget and KC’s Christmas Octave wedding, filled with symbolism and intention and inspired by Pier Giorgio Frassati | Natasha and Tim’s Minnesota New Year’s wedding, centered on family and community--down to the bride’s vintage gown | Emily and Daniël’s Praise and Worship-filled Christmas season wedding | Christina and Kristian’s Austin wedding, with holiday colors and Christmas hymns | Genevieve and Dalton’s festive celebration at Rock ‘N Bowl | Caroline and Matt’s elegant cathedral wedding, rich with family heritage | Kaitlyn and John’s New Year’s wedding in blue, gold, and white | Becca and Phil’s Christmas picnic wedding

Finding your Family's Mission

CARISSA PLUTA

When we were newly married, a more seasoned couple offered us advice on creating a family mission statement. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURA AND MATTHEW

Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People writes: “A family mission statement is a combined, unified expression from all family members of what your family is all about — what it is you really want to do and be — and the principles you choose to govern your family life.”

We followed their advice, asked questions, spent some time in prayer, and carefully crafted a mission statement that we recall daily in our work and prayer even now four and a half years later. 

The effects of a family mission statement on our marriage and home life have been profound. 

Forming a family mission statement helped my husband and I sort out our priorities, make decisions, and see more clearly who God was calling us to be as a couple, as a family, and as Christians. 

It grounds us in our identities as a daughter and son of God, unites us, and orders our life toward heaven. 

Read more: How to Create, and  Live By, a Family Mission + Motto

We began the process of creating a family mission statement by asking ourselves several questions:

What are our strengths? 

Take some time to determine your gifts and talents, both as individuals and as a family. Maybe it's hospitality or maybe it's a heart for serving others in your community. 

God has given each of us qualities, talents, and virtues to build up His kingdom both in our homes and in the world. What has He blessed you with and how do you think He wants you to use them for His glory?

What do we value? 

Values are the principles that give our lives meaning and help us in making decisions. Make a list of the values that are at the core of your family. 

This isn’t the time to be idealistic. Focus on those values and principles that truly resonate and inspire every member of your family, not what you think you’re “supposed” to value.

How do we imagine our family in 10+ years?

A mission statement is meant to help you grow and succeed, but to do that you have to have your goals in mind when you write one. 

What does our home look like? What are our dreams? What are some adjectives we would like people to use to describe us and our home? What kind of relationships do we want to have with one another?

Discuss how you might cultivate the soil now for those hopes to flourish in the future.

It’s never too late (or too early) to write your own mission statement and it even makes a great date night activity. 

Surrender the notion that the first draft has to be perfect; just like your family will grow and change over the years, so too can your mission statement.

Answering these questions can help you come to a better understanding of who you are and who God made you to be, and writing a family mission statement can give you the tools to get there.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Editors Share | At-Home Date Nights

Planning a date night is a wonderful way to reconnect and spend some quality time with your spouse or fiance. And especially in this time of pandemic, at-home date nights have become more important than ever. 

Today, members of the Spoken Bride team share their favorite date ideas for a night in. 

Main image

Andi Compton, Director of Business Development

Exercise together. We put in a workout or go on a run/bike ride. 

Maria Luetkemeyer, Twitter Manager

We get take-out sushi, then sit in the living room and pray the rosary aloud, reading the Scriptures from the corresponding mysteries between. Then we play Scrabble or watch a movie from an ongoing list we have of movies we’ve never seen before.

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

My husband and I loving playing a geeky board game together! Think a fantasy-kill-all-the-monsters-complete-the-quest type of game. This is usually paired with a couple of mixed drinks he makes with his bartender set—it’s one of his hobbies. 

After that, we’ll end the night reading out loud to each other (our current read is Tolkien’s The Fellowship of the Ring) or watch the next episode of Merlin, a BBC show based on the legends of King Arthur. 

Jessica Jones, Contributing Writer

Pat and I have been learning to cook together--we make a recipe from Julia Child, Alison Roman (Nothing Fancy), or Deb Perelman (of Smitten Kitchen fame), and see if we can pull off making something we’ve never done before! And there must be at least one bottle of wine involved. 

For those who are budget conscious, it’s a great way to make new dishes that are both relatively simple to cook, inexpensive, and unique. 

Dominika Ramos, Contributing Writer

We do choose-your-own-adventure board games. We also read aloud or memorize poems together. We used to live right next door to a Trader Joe’s and would try new snacks from there every Friday night. 

Emily Brown, Podcast Manager

We love playing Trivial pursuit, swimming together, and doing rosary walks on the beach (we live five minutes away). We’ve also taken to watching movies we haven’t seen before and discussing afterwards.

Corinne Gannotti, Contributing Writer

Lately we’ve been ordering takeout from local spots, then just talking for a while and playing the ever classic Mario Kart for some racing duels. 

Rhady Taveras, Vendor Coordinator and Newsletter Manager

We live in Downtown Philadelphia and our building has a rooftop with a beautiful view of the city. We’ve often gone up there to do the rosary, and lately we’ve been going up there with our picnic blanket and a bottle of wine to play a card game called Skip-Bo. Winner usually gets breakfast in bed the next day. 

Is NFP Just "Catholic Birth Control?"

BRIDGET BUSACKER

Is Natural Family Planning (NFP) just “Catholic Birth Control?” 

The Church’s teaching on the use of Natural Family Planning and the distinction between it and the various forms of contraception can be difficult to understand.  I myself have struggled to find a concise way of explaining it.

This article will break down the differences between them and provide you some resources to help you learn more.

PHOTOGRAPHY: SARAH WIRTH PHOTOGRAPHY

What’s NFP again?

NFP is the terminology used by the Roman Catholic Church to embrace the teachings on Theology of the Body and the application of fertility awareness based methodology.

The Catholic Church embraces - and encourages couples to embrace - the integration of faith and science in their marriage. She supports women understanding their bodies for greater self-awareness, which leads to greater self-control. Not birth control.

Read more: NFP: What It Is, How It Works, and Why it is a Blessing to Married Couples

A virtue builder

Let’s not pretend that NFP isn’t hard. Sometimes, as in the case of abstinence, it can be downright painful. But, this is where the spiritual reality of NFP must be paired with the physical reality of charting. 

Fertility awareness is an amazing tool for a woman and/or couple to utilize in order to better understand and respect the female physiology. By choosing to practice Natural Family Planning and discern family life together, you challenge the cultural narrative (dating back to the Fall of Adam and Eve) of treating individuals as objects rather than persons. 

When we actively practice NFP in marriage, we seek to love the other beyond ourselves, our own desires, and even our wounds because in doing so we choose to deny ourselves for the sake of the other. 

We tend to glorify the sacrificial, brooding love in young lovers, but we despairingly laugh when this type of sacrificial love is practiced in true, sometimes awkward, intimacy in marriage. 

NFP challenges a husband and wife to love each other in creative ways and navigate difficult seasons of abstinence. It allows sex to be truly unitive and couples to have a love that is free, total, faithful, and fruitful.

We have to be willing to re-integrate a worldview of virtue back into our bedrooms.

This can be hard when a common American lifestyle prioritizes the global good over the local good, and preaches a gospel of personal sacrifice to gods of degeneration: money, food, pleasure. 

But ours is a God of “generation,” that is, of life.

The practical aspects of NFP

NFP challenges married couples to discern and have important conversations about family life and the intention of achieving pregnancy.

Hormonal contraception presents an unnatural and frankly, offensive approach to the female physiology by shutting down a healthy, functioning system. These synthetic hormones create withdrawal bleeds in women (no, it’s not a real period) and can cause a host of other health problems.

But, what about a condom? There are no hormones messing the system up and it’s responsible, right?

According to the Catholic Church and our understanding of sacrificial love, no, it’s not. It’s a bandaid solution to a deeper reality: our fear of sacrifice to love fully.

The use of contraception (both hormonal and barrier methods) may seem like an easier solution, but would it point us to the deeper reality of a free, total, faithful, fruitful love? Would it help us become saints? Of course not!

Something that contraception doesn’t allow for: conception.

The beauty of NFP is its ability to not only avoid pregnancy as needed, but to also achieve pregnancy with a holistic approach to and respect of a woman’s body in its entirety. It’s welcoming the man and woman’s bodies into the marriage fully, without muzzling any part of them. That is full love.

I don’t know about you, but the fact that my husband doesn’t ask me to shut down part of myself makes me feel fully loved and respected as a woman.

NFP integrates new life (either potential or actual) and existing life, that of two loving spouses. Contraception sterilizes the act, dislocating the life-giving nature of sex.

PHOTOGRAPHY: SARAH WIRTH PHOTOGRAPHY

A love that is procreative & unitive

NFP is not “Catholic birth control” because it embraces the Catholic Church’s teaching that sex is intended to be both procreative and unitive. 

This doesn’t mean that you are supposed to try to conceive every time you have sex; instead, it means that you must discern your family life together as a couple, through embracing the woman’s reproductive system and her fertility. 

The woman’s body is designed by our Creator with times of fertility and infertility, just as in the Creation account, God both worked and rested. 

“In [fertility awareness] the married couple rightly use a faculty provided them by nature. In [birth control] they obstruct the natural development of the generative process.”

If you discern that you need to avoid pregnancy for a season (refer to Humane Vitae in the additional reading list below for a framework of discernment), then you abstain from sex during the fertile period of the woman’s cycle. In doing so, you are not taking away one of two integral aspects of sex. 

This is a difficult teaching, but only a fool would argue that virtue should be avoided because it is difficult. 

This is a bold and radical way of living; you are invited to surrender and trust the Lord in a new (and sometimes difficult) way. By choosing to practice NFP, you choose to fully embrace your spouse, your fertility, and the plan God has for your life.

Additional reading:

Humanae Vitae by Pope Paul VI

Why NFP is not Contraception by the USCCB

Why I don’t refer to Fertility Awareness as Contraception by Emily Frase

Natural Family Planning and the Myth of Catholic Contraception by Michael Wee

If you liked this article, we hope you enjoy this episode of the Spoken Bride podcast featuring Bridget Busacker.

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About the Author: Bridget Busacker is a public health communications professional and founder of Managing Your Fertility, a one-stop shop for NFP/FABM resources for women and couples. She is married to her wonderful husband, David, and together they have a sweet daughter.

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Turning to the Eucharist When Physical Intimacy is Complicated

KIKI HAYDEN

If you, like me, are in a situation that doesn’t allow full sexual union with your spouse, you are not alone. You are worthy of love and fidelity, and your marriage is a beautiful icon of God’s graces. Through prayer, this cross can bring you and your beloved closer to Jesus and each other.

Whatever the reason for abstaining, and no matter how long the period of abstinence lasts, know this: your marriage is blessed—with or without sexual intercourse.

Photography: Amy and Kyle Catholic Photography

God provides graces through the sacrament of marriage, even when sexual intercourse isn’t an option or doesn’t work for some reason. The Catholic Church teaches us that sex is a gift from God, which means we are not entitled to it nor is it required of us. And the good news is that through prayer, God can provide all the graces of a physical sacrament even when the sacrament is not available to us. This is true of the Eucharist, and I strongly believe it is also true of sexual intercourse in marriage.

There are many reasons a couple may abstain from intercourse. The beautiful (and healthy!) practice of Natural Family Planning calls for couples to abstain periodically when they do not feel called to seek pregnancy. For some couples, the fertile window is narrow, but for women experiencing irregular menstruation due to difficulty ovulating, the fertile window may last a long time. Military couples are keenly aware of the trials of long term abstinence when one spouse is deployed far away. For some couples, attempts at sexual intercourse do not go as planned and must be left unfinished due to pain or physical limitations. 

Related: One wife’s testimony of fidelity and growth through extended abstinence

In such cases, the Lord calls us to be compassionate with our partners and ourselves. For couples suffering from sexual pain or dysfunction, this period of abstinence may last a long time and occasionally is indefinite. If you are in such a situation, don’t lose hope. The Lord still blesses your marriage abundantly.

Let’s pause to look at another act of physical intimacy: the Eucharist. Jesus allows us to eat His body and blood, soul and divinity. He gets stuck between our teeth. He travels throughout our body to literally nourish us with His own. What could be more intimate than this?

And yet God is not limited or defined by the sacraments. Not even the Eucharist.

There are, unfortunately, many reasons not to attend Mass: work schedules, sickness, lack of access, persecution. And most of us have experienced the absence of the physical sacrament of the Eucharist during the 2020 pandemic.

Does this separation from the Eucharist somehow invalidate our relationship with Jesus or deem it “un-sacramental”? Of course not. As with physical expression of our sexuality, the Eucharist is a gift, not a right. When we truly desire union with Jesus, He can overcome any obstacles to bring us the graces of the sacrament. He can even overcome the obstacle of abstinence itself.

An act of spiritual communion begins with an ardent desire to be united with Jesus. A favorite is this Prayer of Spiritual Communion written by Saint Alphonsus Liguori. Of course, anyone can say a prayer of spiritual communion using their own words. Pope Saint John Paul II wrote, “The practice of “spiritual communion”… has happily been established in the Church for centuries and [is] recommended by saints who were masters of the spiritual life.”

According to Saint Thomas Aquinas in Summa Theologiae, III, “In another way one may eat Christ spiritually, as He is under the sacramental species, inasmuch as a man believes in Christ, while desiring to receive this sacrament; and this is not merely to eat Christ spiritually, but likewise to eat this sacrament.” Fr. Michael Gaitley sums up this teaching of Aquinas beautifully in his book Consoling the Heart of Jesus: “A person who fervently makes such a prayer of spiritual communion can receive the same grace as one who fervently receives Sacramental Communion!”

If God can overcome our abstinence from the Eucharist, He can also overcome our abstinence from sexual intercourse in marriage. Abstinence, even for extended periods of time, does not invalidate a marriage nor somehow “block” God from giving a couple the full graces of the sacrament.

I propose a new kind of prayer, modeled on the act of spiritual communion: the act of spiritual union.

This is a prayer for spouses in a time of abstinence, whether by choice or forced circumstance, whether briefly or for extended periods of time. Here is an example that my husband and I pray frequently:

“Lord, we believe You have called us into the vocation of marriage. Although we do not have access to physical intercourse right now, we trust in You. Please grant us the full graces and unity of marriage so our love for each other may bring us closer to Your Sacred Heart.”

This prayer may not take away the pain and longing spouses feel during a time of abstinence. But it can certainly bring a marriage closer to Jesus. And growing in faith together is a beautiful way to live out the vocation of marriage.

One last thought: if you and your beloved struggle sexually or are in a period of extended abstinence, remember that the Holy Family, the very model of marriage, was an abstinent relationship. The Virgin Mary and Joseph her Most Chaste Spouse can pray with you and for you.

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About the Author: Kiki Hayden is a freelance writer and bilingual Speech Therapist living in Texas. She is a Byzantine Catholic. 

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It's Okay that NFP is Hard.

BRIDGET BUSACKER

“It’s like the honeymoon phase, over and over again.”

But, what if it’s hard? What if the season feels unending and the sacrifice of Natural Family Planning (NFP) can feel like it’s pulling your marriage apart rather than together?

Photography: Laurentina Photography + Video

But, if it feels scary or intimidating, it’s okay. You’re not alone, physically or spiritually.

What does this mean? It means that there are providers to walk with you to help you learn a method and ask questions (or to switch if the method or individual you’re working with just isn’t a good fit).

It means there is support available through great therapists. It means that Jesus understands the ache, the pain, of giving and hurting and—ultimately—loving to the end.

When we sugarcoat NFP, we sugarcoat the cross. We miss the mark of its purpose and we forget the true nature of NFP. It is a tool meant to sanctify us. It’s not meant to make everything comfortable and easy because we are not made for comfort in this life, we are made for greatness to become saints and to shed ourselves of the vices we struggle with and the sins we commit.

We can’t do this only with our spouse. We need Christ at the center. When we practice NFP, Jesus must be at the center of our marriage, so that when the storms come and the hardships hit us, we not only find ways to lean into each other, we lean into Jesus - the One who knows suffering so deeply and knows what it means to suffer out of love, too.

Romans 12:1-2: “I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship. Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.”

Our bodies are a living sacrifice of love to each other, to God, in the great mystery of sex and the “yes” we give when we are open to new life. NFP asks us not to be conformed to this age of birth control, but to the renewal of love as God intended it and created us for. It challenges us to live out a love of responsible parenthood, abstinence during the fertile phase, discernment, prayer, and asking God to be actively a part of your sex life.

These are not easy or light—these can sometimes feel like great burdens to carry, but remember that Christ took it upon Himself to carry your burdens, your ache, your hurt on his way to Calvary, ultimately being nailed to the Cross to make us new.

NFP is capable of making us new, encouraging us to grow in virtue, and challenging us to grow in love.

Not a romantic comedy kind of love that promotes quick flings, fast relationships, and cheap sex, but rather faithfulness, permanence, and abiding love physically and emotionally with your spouse.

So, when we say that NFP is easy or beautiful, it’s true; it can be. But, if you’re struggling or find it hard, that’s okay, too. It means your love is being refined and, although not fun or comfortable, you are being asked to participate in the greatness of real, deep love.

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About the Author: Bridget Busacker is a public health communications professional and founder of Managing Your Fertility, a one-stop shop for NFP/FABM resources for women and couples. She is married to her wonderful husband, David, and together they have a sweet daughter.

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Bringing God into Finances and Fertility

BRIDGET BUSACKER

Finances can often be a source of frequent conversation and tension in marriage. When upholding marriage as free, total, faithful and fruitful, Catholic marriage—like Natural Family Planning (NFP)—requires an openness to the possibility of life.

We have to remember that, first and foremost, the Catholic Church’s teachings on marriage and family life are openness to life, not controlling life. NFP is a gift, a tool, to help couples learn and navigate the woman’s body when it comes to discerning family life.

PHOTOGRAPHY: DESIGNS BY JESSINA

In the context of costs, budgets and financial planning, anticipating the cost of a child can bring about a lot of fear. And frankly, the last thing you want to do in a moment of intimacy is think about money. 

If we purely live our married life out of worry and physical concern, then it is calculated and feels icky; we are not meant to live in the black-and-white of one reality. NFP requires us to live in the tension of our faith: both the physical and spiritual realities of our marriage. It is just as important to learn our marriage in its sacramentality as well as in its physical nature. 

On one end of the black-and-white spectrum, it is important to have all the finances associated with raising a child saved before beginning such an exhausting and financially treacherous journey. On the other end, it’s assumed that babies will come and you must be prepared to say yes to every fertile opportunity. Unlike these messages from the world, holy, Catholic marriages pursue the middle ground of these poles. 

Finances are an important topic for a couple to discuss because there are obvious realities: where to live, spending habits, mortgages, phone bills, diapers, etc. Without our faith, it can become very calculated and lacking in the bigger vision of our goal: Heaven. 

NFP requires conversation and discernment because there’s no way to skip the fertile phase each month. Avoiding sex during the fertile period of a woman’s cycle in order to avoid pregnancy requires prayerful discernment and conversation between husband and wife. This is much more challenging than using a form of physical birth control and talking about “what if” at a convenient time. We are challenged to remember that life is a gift and we have the opportunity to say “yes” to the adventure of raising a child and saying “yes” to generations. 

Planning and discernment are integral to the vocation to marriage; we can’t deny one or the other. Balance is much harder to strive for than simply picking one way to live. 

At its core, our life should be lived through our faith. Faith is the basis of our existence. It allows us to choose adventure when the world may tell us we’re foolish to live without fear of tomorrow. Christ promises to look out for us and take care of us, so while we are, in fact, called to be prudent and responsible, he fills the voids from our shortcomings. 

Living in the tension between the physical and the spiritual life requires us to prepare and use our finances, to be open to the gift of children, and, ultimately, to trust God in the integrated whole. 

There is an undeniable relationship between finances and fertility. A peace of heart and mind is achieved when finances and fertility are bound together with faith. 

God has a plan for you and he desires you to grow in relationship with him and your spouse. God will never give you something you can’t handle, including a child. It is a blessing to welcome life into the world. A blessing doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges or hardships, but it means that the gift outweighs the cost. 

Anything worth doing is worth fighting for.

There will be hard conversations and budgeting choices you have to make. There will be a learning curve as you begin to navigate NFP for the first time (or for the first time with a spouse). 

Building collaboration and intimacy in your marriage is a practice that, when offered to God, is affirmed with grace. Where there is struggle, there is growth; NFP certainly has its peaks and valleys, but it is worth it.

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About the Author: Bridget Busacker is a public health communications professional and founder of Managing Your Fertility, a one-stop shop for NFP/FABM resources for women and couples. She is married to her wonderful husband, David, and together they have a sweet daughter.

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The Three Methods of Natural Family Planning--and How to Choose the One for You

BRIDGET BUSACKER

Exasperated, I looked at my fiance. We discussed NFP while dating and during engagement; we recognized the importance and the need for NFP in our marriage to help us grow in holiness. Although I had been charting for a few years and found great freedom in understanding my fertility and advocating for my health care needs, we didn’t realize there were so many different methods to choose from. 

We had scheduled a time to pick a Natural Family Planning (NFP) method during our engagement, but it was difficult to create a pros and cons list of each method and choose one to pursue as a couple. We thought that work had already been done, but here we were, 3 hours later, more frustrated than ever. 

It was through this experience that I founded Managing Your Fertility, an online, one-stop shop of NFP resources for women and couples.

PHOTOGRAPHY: HER WITNESS

I didn’t want women and couples to experience what we had gone through; I desire to help facilitate conversations, create pros and cons lists, and simplify picking a method to help women—and their spouses—learn your body, embrace your fertility, and confidently move forward in your marriage.

So, you might be reading this and nodding along, frustrated by a similar situation. Maybe you don’t quite understand the importance of NFP in married life. Or maybe you want to find a different method, but you’re intimidated by all the options.

It can feel daunting. This is the method you are choosing to help you prayerfully discern family planning and embracing new life! But, as my (now) husband and I learned, and are learning, the many options help us to live out different seasons of married life together—prayerfully, open, and discerning every month. 

Let’s start at the beginning and review the foundation of NFP, so you and your partner feel confident picking a method, and can embrace this teaching of the Catholic Church with great joy and confidence! 

What is Natural Family Planning (NFP)?

Natural Family Planning is the definition given by the Catholic Church that supports the teaching on human sexuality and science of tracking fertility. The Catholic Church does not support the use of contraception of any kind as a means to avoid pregnancy. Rather, the Catholic Church supports a holistic approach of the woman (and couple, working together) tracking her cycles and determining fertile and infertile times. If the couple has prayerfully discerned avoiding pregnancy, abstinence is practiced during fertile times.

In 1972, the National Institute of Child Health & Human Development and the Human Life Foundation co-sponsored an international conference for NFP. Experts from around the world were in attendance and it was at this conference that the definition was developed to encompass the three commonly used methods: hormonal-only, mucus-only, and sympto-thermal. Then, in 1976, the World Health Organization (WHO) provided an official definition: “the naturally occurring physiological manifestation of fertile and infertile phases of the menstrual cycle”.

The Catholic Church supports fertility awareness based methods (FABMs), which are a way to track fertile and infertile times during the reproductive cycle and based on daily observations, which fluctuate each cycle. During fertile times, abstinence is practiced to avoid pregnancy. 

You may hear the term Fertility Awareness Methods (FAMs) trending in news articles and social media, so it’s important to know that these methods also track fertile and infertile times and follow daily observations of the cycle, but the difference is that barrier methods are used during fertile periods. And the Catholic Church doesn’t condone the use of barrier methods during fertile times to avoid pregnancy.

How many methods are there?

Now that we have the foundation of NFP and the two different umbrella terms for various methods (FABMs and FAMs), it’s time to break down the methods available under FABMs that are safe, effective, and supported by the Catholic Church and science (these go hand-in-hand and work together)!

There are three different types of FABMs: hormonal-only, mucus-only, and sympto-thermal.

Hormonal-only method | Detects production of key fertility hormones with daily at-home urine tests with an electronic fertility monitor and cross checking it with daily cervical mucus observations.

Mucus-only method | Teaches users how to observe biomarkers during the phases of the menstrual cycle, specifically, through observing and charting changes in the color and consistency of cervical mucus.

Sympto-thermal method | Based on the observations of cervical fluid, basal body temperature (waking temperature) and biological signs (i.e. changes in the cervix).

Under each of these methods, there are various organizations and instructors available, so that you can pick a method that works best for you.

Which one should I choose?

It is a great fortune to have so many options available. Although it can seem stressful, a variety of methods means you can pick what works best for you based on your season of life and lifestyle.

If you are someone who thrives on a schedule and wakes up at the same time every morning, the sympto-thermal method may be a great option for you because it not only requires checking cervical mucus throughout the day, you have an additional checkpoint of taking your temperature at the same time every morning.

Maybe you are expecting a baby and you would like to track your fertility postpartum, but know that hormones are adjusting and your fertility may not come back for a few months, so hormonal-only is a great option. It checks hormone levels in your urine and uses an electronic fertility monitor, while cross-checking mucus to help you navigate those early months as a new mom and beyond.

Perhaps you want something simple and you want to track your cervical mucus, preferring to learn one thing at a time. Then, the mucus-only methods are the best option for you! Checking your cervical mucus is a part of each method and may be just what you need to get started.

Take your time to learn about each method and ask questions of practitioners, so you feel comfortable and confident with the method you choose to move forward in your marriage.

Wherever you and your partner may be in your journey together, I hope this encourages you and inspires you to know that the Catholic Church supports you in understanding your body, recognizing the beauty of your fertility, and relying on scientific research that supports a holistic approach to your health. This journey is not easy, but it is rewarding to put in the work and understand how incredible your body truly is!

For additional professional NFP support and coaching, Spoken Bride’s Vendor Guide includes several NFP Instructors.

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If you liked this article, we hope you enjoy this episode of the Spoken Bride podcast featuring Bridget Busacker.

About the Author: Bridget Busacker is a public health communications professional and founder of Managing Your Fertility, a one-stop shop for NFP/FABM resources for women and couples. She is married to her wonderful husband, David, and together they have a sweet daughter.

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A Tiny Chalice Balanced on your Finger

JAY ROSS

When I was asked by a fellow artisan if I could make a chalice for her son—whom she hoped, obviously, would become a priest, I immediately had a ton of questions. 

What metals can be used? Is there anything that can’t be used? How would I use my jewelry equipment to melt that much precious metal and then pour it into something so big as a chalice? After all, I am a jeweler—not a dish-maker! And even if I can make something like a chalice, am I allowed to according to the Church? 

There is actually a wealth of information on this, and it turns out chalices have a lot in common with wedding rings. Maybe more than you think.

PHOTOGRAPHY: EMMA DALLMAN PHOTOGRAPHY

Much like wedding rings, it is preferred that chalices are made with precious metal. In the Ecclesia de Eucharistia, a document used for Instruction on liturgical norms, there is an explanation of these intentional preferences.

In addition, Saint John Paul II’s 2003 encyclical Redemptionis Sacramentum states, “Sacred vessels for containing the Body and Blood of the Lord must be made in strict conformity with the norms of tradition and of the liturgical books...It is strictly required, however, that such materials be truly noble in the common estimation within a given region, so that honor will be given to the Lord by their use, and all risk of diminishing the doctrine of the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharistic species in the eyes of the faithful will be avoided. Reprobated, therefore, is any practice of using for the celebration of Mass common vessels, or others lacking in quality, or devoid of all artistic merit or which are mere containers…”

As a sacred artist, these words are encouraging but not surprising. It’s amazing to read a governing church body advocate for artistic merit in Liturgical practice. 

Though God often has other plans for my life,  I have no intent of repositioning myself as a chalice maker After reading this document, I feel it is my duty to inform people of the similarities between chalices and wedding rings. After all, my calling is to make sacred objects of another type--one that nearly all faithful will wear at some point in their lives: wedding rings.

So I dug a little deeper into the question at hand—why must they be made of precious metal?

I asked my friend Carlos Sacasa, a Canon Lawyer and speaker on prayer and Catholic tradition.  He told me, “Yes, you can make a chalice, but the inner lining that touches the host and the body and blood of Jesus Christ has to be gold.”

“Why gold?,” I asked.

“It is a precious metal. Only precious metals are supposed to be touching the host; it is a sign of reverence. Usually the most traditional chalices are lined with gold.”

Now, there are some priests who may not choose this and use glass vessels instead.But the fact that using gold is a sign of reverence really stood out to me. 

I hear a similar question in my own line of work: Why must wedding rings be made of gold? Why not nylon? Why not titanium? The answer is the same as Mr. Sacasa gave me—it is a precious metal. It is a sign of reverence.

But there is something else. The gold in a chalice  is touching the host. 

Am I going to be so bold as to say that we are as precious as Jesus Christ, incarnate in the Eucharist? Not quite. However, I will remind you that we, the Faithful, are the Body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27). What touches our bodies as a sign and symbol of the marital sacrament should be held to the highest standard; especially in the gift that is crafted for a man and woman to reveal their union as one body in front of a congregation at a Holy Mass.

As we think more about the artistic merit, the form and function, of both chalices and rings, they are not merely containers. These are not utilitarian items. There should be craftsmanship and care that goes into their design! 

An extraordinary amount of intention and financial cost goes into the bride’s dress, the dessert (our cake was made with real fruit and flowers by an amazing Frenchman named Bruno), and the decor. Most of these wedding essentials are only enjoyed once or twice. The wedding ring is worn as a unique symbol every day beyond the wedding day. Make it more than a generic container. 

Finally, the occasion of the event requires a standard of reverence in the icons that represent the vows. The sacrament of marriage is a sacrament, and the sacrifice, that spouses perform—for better or worse, sickness or health, rich or poor—on a minute-by-minute basis. Wedding rings are the longest lasting reminder of your marriage vows and should therefore be holy. 

In the celebration of the Mass, Jesus offers his body, blood, soul and divinity to us through the Eucharist. The chalice is the means by which we receive his living sacrifice and participate with him in the sacrament. His offering of himself, as bridegroom, to his Church, the bride, is an image of marriage.

The parallel significance of the sacramentals to be created with precious metals—both a chalice and wedding ring—makes sense in light of the communion of persons and God’s call for holiness through the vocation to married life. 

Catholic wedding rings, if not all wedding rings, should be held as sacred reminders of this holy sacrament. 

Jewelry is a language; wedding rings not only represent but, more significantly, communicate a message of the value one holds about marriage. The wedding ring is sacramental, it is a visible, outward sign which communicates your sacrament to the world. Wedding rings are evangelizing.  

When intention, precision, sacrifice and discernment goes into the process of designing either a chalice or a wedding ring, all who encounter the gift will engage with reverence, with wonder and awe. As an ornate precious metal created either to carry the Body of Christ or to communicate the sacrament of matrimony, these products are holy. 

Something with such meaning and depth should be more than something you purchase off the shelf. Like the Chalice which brings the Church closer to the Eucharist, wedding rings help bring husbands and wives into a sacramental bond. Even more, they bring others into an encounter with Love himself. 

Scripture helps us understand the love God has for his people by creating a parallel with the love between a husband and wife. We are invited to take part in that creative, sacrificial act with Him! I encourage you to approach the sacramental artifacts of your marriage with the same reverence by which you approach the Eucharistic chalice on Sunday morning. By doing so, your marriage becomes a living sign of love: between husband and wife and between Christ and his Church. 

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About the Author: Jay holds an MFA from the University of Central Florida. Jay and his wife Angie are Co-Founders of 31:Four Artisan Jewelry--an all-Catholic design and manufacturing studio based in the Orlando area. They are teaching the trade to their four children, who will be fourth-generation jewelers.

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Coping with Homesickness while Adjusting to a New Life

MAGGIE STRICKLAND

“A man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.” We hear this over and over through the rite of matrimony, not only because it is important, but because it can be hard. Although this is a charge directed at husbands, wives, in becoming one with their husbands, also must leave behind aspects of their families of origin. 

I came from a close-knit family with lots of traditions, and when my husband got a job several states away from my hometown in our second year of marriage, I was devastated. I had always planned to raise my children in the same town as my parents so that they would share the same closeness I had with my own grandparents.

PHOTOGRPAHY: KELLI SEELEY PHOTOGRAPHY

Shortly before our move, my grandmother brought me the DVD of Brooklyn, a movie she wanted me to see because it reminded her of her own mother’s immigration story. As I watched the protagonist, Eilis Lacey, build a life in 1950s New York, far away from her family in Ireland, I began to see the promise in our upcoming move, instead of just sadness for my loss. 

This quiet, lovely film offered inspiration to commit wholly to my vocation and the family that I was creating with my new husband. Whether your marriage takes you across the world or just across town, this movie has some valuable insights for newlyweds.

Before we dive into these insights, a brief disclaimer is in order. As Steven Greydanus says in his review: “Brooklyn is not a Catholic film per se, but the Church stands in the background, an unobtrusive but essential institution in the local community.” In this way, the Catholic church plays an essential role in Eilis and Tony’s lives, but in a moment of grief, they falter regarding chastity, though the scene is brief and not explicit. 

1. Change can make you homesick, but homesickness won’t last forever. 

When Eilis first arrives in New York, she is miserable, clinging to her letters from home like a lifeline, but over time she adjusts to life in America. The shift is gradual, but as the months pass, she realizes how happy she’s become in Brooklyn; even her employer notices and asks for Eilis’ secret to pass on to the next homesick immigrant. Although Eilis attributes it to falling in love with Tony (an Italian-American Catholic), it’s also clear that her routines in work, night school, and her parish life were important to her adjustment.

As a newlywed, there are all kinds of changes that can make you yearn for the life you had before: moving to a new place, having to make holiday decisions, making joint plans with your husband instead of just thinking about yourself, and taking on more responsibility than anticipated over pets, among other things. Many of these challenges are transient and will pass; some will require new routines, while others will need the patience and love of your spouse.

2. Build your community around the Church.

The kind, old priest who sponsored her immigration helps Eilis start to integrate into her new community by enrolling her in a bookkeeping course and asking her to spend Christmas day at the church, serving a meal to men who have nowhere else to go. She also attends parish dances with the other girls at her boarding house, where she eventually meets Tony. Though not all of her time is spent at church, everything in Eilis’ life is affected by her connection to the Church.

In a similar way, your local parish can help you form new routines in your newlywed life. If you’ve just moved, getting involved in a young adult group or Bible study can help you and your husband meet other Catholic newlyweds. If you’re continuing to attend a parish, see if you are being called to participate in a new ministry, either individually or as a couple.

3. Eventually, you will adjust to your new life.

While it initially seems impossible, Eilis finally comes to a place of peace about her new life and how being in America has changed her. Near the end of the movie, she offers advice to another new immigrant, and she tells her, “You'll feel so homesick that you'll want to die, and there's nothing you can do about it apart from endure it. But you will, and it won't kill you. And one day the sun will come out--you might not even notice straight away, it'll be that faint. And then you'll catch yourself thinking about something or someone who has no connection with the past. Someone who's only yours. And you'll realize... that this is where your life is.” 

Eilis’ months of suffering have transformed her, and her visit home has served as confirmation that her life in Brooklyn is the one to which she has been called.

If you’re interested in a more detailed review of the film before you watch it, I highly suggest Steven Greydanus’ take. 

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About the Author: Maggie Strickland has loved reading and writing stories since her earliest memory. An English teacher by training and an avid reader by avocation, she now spends her days homemaking, chasing her toddler son, and reading during naptime. She and her husband are originally from the Carolinas, but now make their home in Birmingham, Alabama.

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If We are to be Molded by the Creator, May we be Bent into the Shape of a Cross.

JAY ROSS

“When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.” 

I wish I had this quote included in my wedding vows. At the time, I was an evangelical Atheist, (far from the homeschooling Catholic I am now). I fought tooth and nail to remove all traces of scripture from my wedding.

If I could plan my wedding all over again, I would be as malleable to God as metal is to its maker.

PHOTOGRAPHY: JOY-MARIE MENDOZA PHOTOGRAPHY

Faith was absent from my wedding and every experience of wedding planning. That process did not yield the spiritual fruit that it could have—and should have. If you let it, you will be amazed by the fruits and graces that come with including God in every step of your marriage. 

I am a jeweler. When I make a wedding ring, the metal is heated to over 1,000 degrees celsius (1832 fahrenheit), banged many times with wood or metal, sanded and stripped away, and polished. For gold or platinum, the precious metals most often used for wedding bands, this is not a pleasant process. But the end result is pristine. 

As the creator, I guide the raw materials through a very difficult process to make something beautiful. In how many ways does God desire to do the same with my heart and soul as I am transformed through the sacrament of marriage? How often do difficult experiences form the beauty of our present lives? 

Now, I know, planning a wedding is hard. We were seniors in college, extremely active in a local advocacy group, and working in the jewelry business. We were inexperienced in the realms of adulthood and underprepared for the responsibilities and financial costs associated with planning a wedding. We never considered the lasting effects that could come with intentional planning. And we never anticipated the difficult impact from the common stressors of wedding planning either. 

Yet, over time, I have been refined. But I often wonder what kind of refinement could have happened sooner if I allowed myself to be formed by my Creator earlier in life and earlier in my marriage. 

To have been present in real time, within my wedding planning, I would have had solace in the times I needed it most. I would have realized my potential as a man and spouse before I approached the marriage altar. 

When we have a relationship with Jesus Christ and bring our difficult experiences to him—in prayer, in relationships, or in the Sacraments—he melts our hearts, strips away our burdens, and forms us into the persons he created us to be, into saints. 

As we think of ourselves as a precious metal waiting to be formed into something pristine, the process is not pleasant. I know it is especially hard in the moment to “offer it up.” Yet, we are invited to bring those difficult, painful experiences of refinement to prayer, into an intimate conversation with your Creator. 

God has formed me through my vows so I have a clearer vision of his design for my life, my marriage and my family. I encourage you to bring God to the center of your wedding planning--bring him into everything you do with, and for, your spouse. Not only will you grow closer to each other, but also closer to heaven. 

Ultimately, you are working with your beloved to bring each other to heaven; planning a wedding together can be a great opportunity to deal with stress, to approach sacrifice and suffering as a cross, and to be shaped and formed together. This is the process which creates the most beautiful offering you can present to Our Lord when death do you part.

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About the Author: Jay holds an MFA from the University of Central Florida. Jay and his wife Angie are Co-Founders of 31:Four Artisan Jewelry--an all-Catholic design and manufacturing studio based in the Orlando area. They are teaching the trade to their four children, who will be fourth-generation jewelers.

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The Deep Roots of Marital Communication--And Why They Matter

THERESA NAMENYE

Of all the advice people give to an engaged or newly married couple, communication seems to be the one phrase that sticks out. I remember hearing that communication is always a hot button issue—the one thing all married couples must conquer in order to attain peace. 

Because my entire engagement was long distance, and we worked opposite schedules and communicating via texting most of the time, I felt pretty confident about our communication as we approached our wedding day. How hard could this possibly be? I thought. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Then, after our wedding, we moved in together.

PHOTOGRAPHY: KAITLYN HEACOCK PHOTOGRAPHY

Suddenly, all of the beautifully crafted messages that so eloquently expressed my feelings were not very much help. Looking back, I could not point out exactly where and why our communication started to unravel. It was all the small things, of course: but the small things are what make up daily life. Life quickly became an aggravating battle ground for nearly every topic that crossed our path.

The clothes on the floor? The dinner in the oven? The tone of my voice? The implication of that word? The specific verbiage chosen? Everything seemed to be interlaced with unspoken expectations, long-standing familial foundations, and principles singled out as the most important by our different personalities, inherent to who we are from the time we could walk and talk. 

I didn’t realize the simple act of communication is not just an exchange of words; rather, the act of communication is an experience of two inexplicably complex souls attempting to convey meaning to one another. And that is hard. 

Communication in the abstract is wildly easier than long talks, tears, and a stream of frustration spinning like a thousand hamster wheels in my head. 

Epictetus writes, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” I would add that with two people in a marriage, one’s wellspring of experience is tempered by the presence of another throughout the journey of life, wholly together.

What I’ve learned in my five years of marriage is this: every action and every thought that surges through our intellect is an intricate combination of our entire life’s experience. Assumptions, priorities, wounds: these are all embedded in our communication whether we realize it or not. 

The more carefully and thoughtfully we start to unpack these layers in ourselves, the more we come to understand, essentially, who we are. And this is the key starting point in any relationship—marriage or otherwise. It takes a lifetime to fully understand oneself or to even come close to it, and trying to simultaneously know one’s spouse on an intimate level is no small task.

It may seem like a common task to truly understand another person, because so many of us are married and in communication with a spouse every day.

Let me assure you, successful communication in a marriage is no small feat.

At times, it is like taming the wild dragon deep within yourself and extending mercy in places where it could not be more undeserved. It is taking the time, laboriously, to unpack misunderstandings. Other times, it is biting one’s tongue (figuratively or literally) in the hopes of cooling tempers and returning to civility before continuing on. 

At the end of the day, communication shows us what it means to live with a possession of humility. Know thyself, the philosophers write. Doing that takes humility. Why am I the way that I am?

And knowing someone else too? I think it takes double the humility. You are attempting to know, deeply and truly, the beautifully perplexing universe of the mind and heart of another.

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About the Author: Theresa Namenye studied Humanities, Catholic Culture, and Philosophy at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She lives in Scottsdale, AZ with her husband Garrett and their children Leo and Aislin. When she isn't teaching fourth grade, she loves blogging, painting, and enjoying the outdoors.

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Wedding Jewelry | How Your Engagement Ring Can Be a Means of Evangelization

JAY ROSS

Weddings are all about “the first:” The first time we plan a major event. The first photo shoot. The first time you buy  a high-quality cake and plan a large catering event. The first time you’re fit for high-end clothing--maybe the first time you’ve seen a tailor. The first time you buy serious jewelry. In a lot of ways, it can seem like we have to invent everything for the first time. 

It can seem like marriage itself has never been done before and that we are blazing the path to do it right--especially with the multitude of options out there.

Photography: Rachel Kathleen Photography, seen in Mychael + Adam | Rustic Midwest Basilica Wedding

As a jeweler, I see this with wedding rings and I bet you do, too. When you observe jewelry trends and friends’ and family members’ wedding rings, you can see that they look a lot different than they have in the past 50 years. A lot of these rings aren’t even what we would consider jewelry 20 years ago--rings made of nylon, wood, titanium--even antlers. 

With this redefinition of the wedding ring it’s hard to be able to predict what your spouse-to-be might love.

As you begin designing or shopping for a ring, consider that the materials can take on a spiritual significance and be a witness to a loving God. 

Saint John Paul the Great wrote this Instruction, titled Redemptionis Sacrementum, on liturgical norms: 

[117.] Sacred vessels for containing the Body and Blood of the Lord must be made in strict conformity with the norms of tradition and of the liturgical books...It is strictly required, however, that such materials be truly noble in the common estimation within a given region, so that honor will be given to the Lord by their use, and all risk of diminishing the doctrine of the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharistic species in the eyes of the faithful will be avoided. Reprobated, therefore, is any practice of using for the celebration of Mass common vessels, or others lacking in quality, or devoid of all artistic merit or which are mere containers....” (emphasis added)

This passage is about chalices. But after reading it, I found it incredibly important to me to educate whoever I meet about this since I realized that it is my calling is to make sacred objects of another type,one that nearly all faithful will wear at some point in their lives--rings. 

My friend Carlos Sacasa, a Canon Lawyer and speaker on prayer and Catholic tradition, says  “[Chalices]...the inner lining that touches to host and the body and blood of Jesus Christ has to be gold.”

This was enlightening. I asked, “Why gold?”

“It is a precious metal.” 

Only precious metals are supposed to be touching the host; it is a sign of reverence. Usually in the most traditional chalices they are lined with gold. As with rings, it’s actually an ancient tradition going back to the very beginning.

In Genesis 24:34-58, Abraham wants to find a wife for his son, Isaac, so he sends his servant, who finds her through a sign from God. When the servant finds her, he gives her a gold ring as a symbol of the betrothal.

So what does it say when choosing rings made of gold? It is a sign of reverence. For those who choose it, the more gold content in the ring, the purer, and the higher the karat, which can mirror the purity of your love. It also reflects the history of our faith: Scripture contains plenty of references to the purity of gold, to refining, to the crucible in both the Old and New Testaments. (Gold, of course, goes back to Exodus and is mentioned even in the creation section of Genesis--Gen. 2:12)). Diamonds are not mentioned--that doesn’t mean you can’t include them, but if a Scripturally rich ring interests you, consider that investing in a higher karat gold can ultimately amount to a similar price point as diamonds would.

In addition to materials, give some thought to the process itself. At our company, my wife and I ask clients to share their intentions as we are melting the gold for their wedding rings; we are honored to bring to God in the melting of this metal and the creation of their rings.

Any jeweler should be able to keep a small part of the materials from your engagement ring to be incorporated into your wedding rings when you purchase those. The pieces will be melted together, all three pieces of the same whole. A beautiful representation of the trinity. 

Lastly, consider the symbolism of certain stones and faith elements in your rings. In my company’s own experience, we’ve created rings that represented the sacrament of marriage, in a way that told the unique love story of the couple who bought them: in Texas the anastasis of Jesus Christ was incorporated (we used carved lilies and crosses to represent death and resurrection of both Jesus Christ’s passion and the death and resurrection of marriage). In Chicago, we represented the trinity using Celtic knots--and a mission trip to Tanzania using Tanzanite. We’ve done Melkite imagery. Stem lilies for St. Joseph. Anchors of Stella Mar. The list goes on. 

Artistic merit is not only present in these pieces of sacramental jewelry--it is fittingly representative of a Catholic sacrament. Feel free to email me at jesse@thirtyonefour.com even if you’re not our customer; I can help with the process of budgeting for labor and materials with any jeweler.

What, then, do you think she’s going to do when people ask your bride about her ring? She is going to evangelize. She is going to bring them home to Jesus Christ.

Here, my tips for incorporating these elements of evangelization with any jeweler you work with. 

Photography: Rachel Kathleen Photography, seen in Mychael + Adam | Rustic Midwest Basilica Wedding

Ask your jeweler about custom designing a ring with elements of your faith.

When they cast this ring in gold (some jewelers are only resellers that won’t be able to do this, but it’s easy enough to find one who makes the jewelry there in the shop), ask them to pray for your intentions.

Choose a higher karat.

Additionally, if you want stones for a ring, we (or any jeweler in your town) can walk you through the process of spending at a low price point for a cubic zirconia to a bigger investment for a beautiful gemstone like sapphire, emerald, ruby, or a synthetic or genuine diamond. The point is to at least be cognizant of the purchase and not to put all the weight there on the stone, but to redistribute the spending so you can make a more meaningful statement not only to your fiancée, but ultimately to the world at large, using the language of jewelry.

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About the Author: Jay holds an MFA from the University of Central Florida. Jay and his wife Angie are Co-Founders of 31:Four Artisan Jewelry--an all-Catholic design and manufacturing studio based in the Orlando area. They are teaching the trade to their four children, who will be fourth-generation jewelers.

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Receiving the Lord's Invitation in Times of Waiting

KATRINA MORETTA

My fiancé and I started dating when I was thirteen and he was fourteen. No reasonable adult entertained the possibility that we would stay together through the tumult of high school and the jarring transition into post-secondary. 

Fast forward almost a decade and we stand at the threshold of marriage, armed with an almost unreasonable amount of dating experience and an extraordinary sense of calm and comfort for a twenty-two and twenty-three year old. As we transition into this new, albeit much shorter, period of waiting, I have begun to reflect more keenly on the place of waiting both in our relationship particularly and in the life of faith more generally.

PHOTOGRAPHY: AN ENDLESS PURSUIT

Over the years, many people have commented how uncommon and antiquated a relationship like ours is. These mildly awkward conversations often end with the phrase “I don’t know how you do it, I could never date someone for that long.” I usually explain that, for whatever reason, the Lord wrote straight with the crooked lines of our relationship. 

We went to separate high schools and the same university, were both leaders in our youth groups and university chaplaincy, and both lived in Catholic houses a mere ten-minute walk from one another. Through the passage of many years and the transition from immature teannagers to young adults, we grew up together. The questions and comments have slowed now that we are getting married and the years of dating have culminated to something a bit more tangible. 

Waiting has been an incredible blessing for me and my fiance. The time we spend learning and growing together has formed in us a very resilient affection for one another and has given us opportunities to sacrifice, trust, pray, and hope together that we would not have had otherwise. 

The daily vocation of waiting provided us an opportunity to love and trust in the Lord and his plan for us, even when the course of our lives seemed murky and difficult. 

I feel a particular connection to our biblical sister, Hannah, in this time, who waits and longs for a child. When her prayers are manifest in Samuel, she presents the fruit of her faith and labour back to the Lord. I hope to keep this story close to my heart on my wedding day when I, too, present the fruit of these seasons of obedience and waiting to the Lord to be sanctified and transformed. 

There are many seasons of waiting in our journeys of faith, some extensive and some momentary. In this day and age, when time and information seems to move with incomprehensible speed and our hearts long for peace, the Lord asks us to stay still and wait. In some ways, the desire and expectation for every experience to be as efficient as it can be has eclipsed our life of faith. 

While many people can easily wait hours for new technology or a favorite celebrity, the virtue of patience is put to the test in a new way when we must wait for matters of the heart. Whether it is the pursuit of a vocation or, even more significant, the Lord of the Universe present in the Eucharist, our response is “I could never wait that long.” 

We are called to seasons of waiting, both the anticipated and the unexpected.

Sometimes they are a decade of dating or an extended engagement, sometimes they are an extra period of waiting to receive Jesus incarnate from hands ordained to hold Him. 

We cannot know what the Lord desires to teach or form in us in the precious moments, hours, days, months, or years. Nonetheless, we receive His invitation to sit and be with him a while; upon reaching the end of this season of waiting, we may call out to the Lord saying “Oh, my Lord! As your soul lives, my Lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you.”

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About the Author: Katrina Moretta is from Caledon, Ontario and went to Queens University in Kingston where she completed a bachelor's degree in English Language and Literature, is currently working on an education degree, and plans to begin her Masters of English Language and Literature in the fall. She and her fiance began their relationship on August 6th, 2011, got engaged on March 25th, 2019, and intend to be married on August 15th, 2020. Over her journey of faith, she has grown in love for Christ in the Eucharist and desires to express that love and devotion in any way she is able.

Vendors Share | Words of Encouragement for Uncertain Times

As both couples and wedding industry professionals navigate this season of discernment, sacrifice, and adjusting expectations during the COVID-19 pandemic, we asked our vendors to share one thing they’d like to share with Catholic brides and grooms right now.

We hope that, like us, you’ll find support, encouragement, and peace in their tips. Here, encouragement from Spoken Bride vendors as you navigate wedding planning in the coming months.

Photography: Mackenzie Baird Photography, c/o Saving the Date

Don't let it rob you of your peace, joy and love. Look for silver linings, they are there! - Allison Girone, G Photography and Films | @gphotographyandfilms

Remember that there is more than one way to handle a wedding affected by COVID.

A lot of it depends on your wedding vendors and their contracts, so before trying to tackle any decisions reach out to all of them and find out their policies for this situation. - Maria, Fenix Photography, Design, & Events | @fenixpde

Your love is not limited to a date. You will get married and it will be the best date. In the end it is about the sacrament and your spouse. - Savanna Faulkner, Saving the Date | @savingthedateevents

Find one bible verse that brings you hope and peace and every time a thought of uncertainty or fear comes to mind (or you have to make a hard decision regarding your upcoming wedding day), say that verse aloud! - Juliana Tomlinson, Juliana Tomlinson Photography | @julianatomlinsonphotography

I have a Catholic friend who got married a month earlier due to the coronavirus and thought her story was very beautiful. [There are still] so many bits of grace and consolation for brides. - Janisse Valenzuela, Janisse Valenzuela Photography | @janissevalenzuelaphoto