Tips for Merging Your Prayer Lives as Newlyweds

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EMILY DE ST AUBIN

 

Most engaged couples hear from their premarital counselors that it is vital for them to remain faithful to praying as individuals and as a couple. While dating and engaged my husband and I learned that we were both faithful to prayer and committed to its priority in our lives. 

But, our first year of marriage revealed that there were way more practical things to consider than just our love of God and desire to grow spiritually together.

For example, I’m a morning person. I prefer praying early- well before the daily grind begins. I like to wake up slowly and make coffee and snuggle with the Rosary and the Liturgy of the Hours. 

My husband, on the other hand, is a night person. He is often up late with the lamp on after the house and the streets outside have gone dark. He’ll pour over whatever scripture has his attention, allowing the Living Water to wash off his day; and he prefers the Chaplet of Divine Mercy to the Rosary.

Seeing each other’s prayer routine’s up close made us each feel ashamed in different ways. I felt guilty that after my morning routine, I usually felt like my spiritual work was done. By the end of the day, I’m exhausted and just want to turn my mind off- not turn my mind to spiritual things.

He was and is often put down by a lot of “manly” prayer exercises that require waking up before the sun when he simply isn’t conscious that early. I would see his inability to wake up with me as a lack of commitment. He would see my reluctance to stay up late in prayer with him the same way. We both often felt let down when the other wouldn't join in our prayer routines. 

While our commitment to God and prayer was deep, radical, and real- it manifested itself very differently in our different personality types and spiritual journeys.

Marrying someone who has been walking with God for their entire life is a tremendous gift, and it comes with the burden of joining together two well-established and deeply rooted prayer lives.

No matter if you are single, engaged, or married, this is an important conversation to have with the people that you share life with and want to grow closer to God through prayer with. You will need to support, encourage, and make space for each other to worship God in the ways that He is calling you to as individuals. You will also need to find new ways to pray that you can do together.

Here are some questions to help you start the conversation:

  • How would you describe your daily prayer routine?

  • Tell me about some hard times in your life. What types of prayer did you turn to? What brought you comfort?

  • When you have had a big decision to make, how have you prayed through it? -What spiritual devotions do you find most edifying?

  • What do you do when you can’t feel God?

  • What times of day do you find it easiest to pray?

  • What prayer do you want to invite me into? What would you rather do alone?

  • When you seem like you’re in crisis, what is the best way for me to encourage you to turn to God?

Make a plan, try it out, expect it to change. Each season of your life has taken on a new rhythm and tone. Take time to notice the things that have stayed the same, and aspects that have grown into something altogether different. Allow and expect God to guide you and your partner through the changes together- into something completely new.

A word of note: This is not a place to leave any doubt of love and acceptance. Allow your partner to teach you, and pray they allow you to teach them. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide and bless the conversation. 

Whatever your partner tells you brings them closer to God, see it from their perspective- even if it’s something that you’ve experienced very differently. Expect to come out of it with a new perspective.

About the Author: Emily is a '15 graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville with a bachelor's of science in marketing. Since college, her experience in ministry has included teaching the Catholic faith through wilderness experiences in the Colorado Rocky Mountains with Camp Wojtyla, Core Team with her local LifeTeen, and participating in Young Adult groups throughout her many moves. Emily has been married to her husband Eddie for five years and they have three children together.

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Entrusting Your Marriage to Our Blessed Mother

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HANNAH HOLLCRAFT

 

It is no secret that Our Blessed Mother Mary is an important figure in the Catholic Church.

She is a powerful intercessor, a source of guidance, and our greatest example of sainthood. Countless saints proclaim the goodness of devotion to her, the devil flees from her, and she considers us her dearly beloved children.

You can honor Our Blessed Mother on your wedding day in countless ways, including consecrating your marriage to her.

Marian consecration is an ancient tradition of entrusting oneself completely to Jesus through the maternal care of Mary. We give ourselves fully to Mary so she can help to form us in the image of Christ her Son. Belonging fully to her we can belong more fully to the Lord.

When we consecrate our marriages to Our Blessed Mother we are handing over to her our vocations, our spouses, and ourselves entirely. We are surrendering our bodies, minds, possessions, works and all we are to her protection, guidance, and intercession. 

What better way to safeguard your marriage than to totally entrust it to the care of the Mother of God who loves you and wants your marriage to be happy, holy, and healthy in every way?

In our single lives both my husband, Joshua, and I made our own Marian consecrations. They had lasting impacts on each of us. Through her we experienced healing, joy, and deeper conversion. She was a guiding star for us and we both feel it was her love and attention that ultimately led us to one another.

We knew shortly after getting engaged that we wanted to entrust our marriage entirely to Our Lady on our wedding day. We wanted to honor her as our Mother for all the ways she cared for us and to offer ourselves anew as we entered our vocation; we chose a Marian feast day to get married on and set aside the thirty-three days before our wedding for prayer with Our Blessed Mother.

I found this intentional time walking with Our Lady before marriage to be particularly intimate and eye opening. Just like so many women around me were helping me to prepare the details of my wedding like flowers, decorations, and dresses,  Mary was there too. She was helping to prepare my heart, reminding me what it truly means to be beautiful, to be a bride, to be a daughter of God. 

As the days got closer and last minute adjustments had to be made she was there reminding me that the day of my wedding was not about everything being perfect. Rather, it was about the love Joshua and I have for each other and celebrating that with jubilant thanksgiving regardless of who couldn't make it or the craziness of being a ‘Covid-bride.’

Walking with Mary was a great way of preparing in the final days of engagement. 

We took time on our own to read and pray each day. We would share any reflections we might have had and pray the “Ave Maria Stella” as a couple each evening. 

During our wedding Mass we brought flowers to an image of Our Lady of Guadelupe and knelt to pray our Act of Consecration together. We altered St. Louis Marie de Montfort's consecration prayer slightly using ‘we’ and ‘us’ rather than ‘I.’ Because this version of the consecration prayer is long we did the first half on our own the morning of our wedding and the second half together during the Mass itself.

There are lots of styles of Marian consecrations to choose from. We chose the one written in the 1600s by St. Louis de Montfort but there is a simpler version that is very popular called 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitly, a nine day version by St. Maximilian Kolbe, or one which journeys with St. John Paul II. 

Each of these will provide you with readings for reflection and certain prayers to pray each day to help you to prepare yourself to make this great entrustment to Our Blessed Mother. Whatever you choose I would suggest purchasing a physical book or printing out the materials so you can have them on hand throughout the thirty-three days.

Marian consecration is not something you can only do on your wedding day! Any married couple or individual can choose to make a Marian consecration. Our Lady’s arms are always open to welcome us into deeper devotion so she can in turn lead us closer to her Son. If you are interested in learning more about Marian consecration check out the book True Devotion to Mary by St. Louis Marie de Montfort.

I am confident that if you choose to consecrate your marriage to the Mother of God you will be abundantly blessed in ways you never expected. 

May her maternal love guide you to heaven and make you more like her Son. 

Gratefully, Totus Tuus Maria.

About the Author: Hannah lives in Northern California with her husband Joshua and their daughter. She studied Theology and Business in school and has worked in ministry since graduating. Hannah’s Catholic faith is rooted in a deep love for the Eucharist and Our Blessed Mother. She is passionate about beauty, adventure, and living abundantly. Hannah loves warm weather, gardening, a good dance party and hiking in the mountains or visiting the ocean with her husband.

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Healing + Wholeness: The Fruits of Couseling in Your Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

Six years ago, I was engaged, freshly graduated from college, and had moved back to my hometown - living a state away from my husband-to-be. 

We walked through marriage prep and wedding planning long distance, visiting each other on the weekends and navigating our first jobs all the while. I had begun grad school classes in the evening. Some significant and difficult experiences were happening within my family at the time. 

I felt that in many ways I was living poised for a future that wasn't quite here yet, in a whirlwind of life happening with each step forward towards my wedding day. For all its glory and all its challenges, I can look back on that time now with gratitude and tenderness and see the gift that it was and the growth that happened in its course.

A significant part of that growth came because during that year, I went to counseling for the first time. I can't remember what exactly it was that finally prompted me to Google search Christian counselors near me one night. 

I do remember, in fact, feeling unsure that I had enough that I needed to "work through" to make counseling worth it - I mean, would it be fruitful? Would it be a waste of time and money? Would the counselor laugh in my face because I didn't even really know I was there? I wasn't sure. 

Were you to have asked me at that moment, I would hardly have been able to tell you if I thought I needed any real healing. But I did know there was a lot happening, and that it might be nice to talk it through with someone. So I called, and a few weeks later went for my first counseling session.

It was, in fact, worth every penny and sacrifice of time. 

Far from laughing in my face, the counselor whose client I became was patient and tenderhearted, listening attentively and inviting me to press more deeply into the circumstances of life so I could consider how they were impacting my understanding of myself and others, even God, and how that in turn affected my thoughts and actions in relationships. 

It was a pivotal time for me to begin this exploration, because so much of our experiences in relationships have to do with how we perceive things and where our motivation lies. Uncovering, with the help of this beautiful counselor, some of the wounded areas of my heart helped me to gain perspective so as to not be ruled by them. It gave me real things to bring to Christ in my life of prayer and ask for his healing presence to transform.

She helped me untangle intrusive thoughts that did not serve to prepare me for marriage, or live in a healthy way during that time. She listened with no agenda to help me with wedding planning, give me her take on married life, or critique my decisions. She mostly listened. She offered strategies to help me with anxiety and gave me a clearer language with which to express what was happening for me emotionally. Many a conversation during a weekend visit with my fiancée was spent sharing what I had talked about in counseling. It truly blessed us both.

I share all this to say that if you have found yourself considering counseling even in the slightest way, I truly believe it will never be a waste. I can see clearly from the vantage point of where I stand in marriage now, how my experience in counseling during engagement blessed me not only in the moment but for the years to come. 

Any time you spend on the kind of healing work that often happens in the context of counseling will serve you well, and in turn will serve your beloved – who shares life with you in a most intimate way.


Some of Good Fruit of Counseling that has been invaluable in my Marriage: 

• Time and space to examine my hopes, fears, expectations

• A third/objective party to whom I could bring my experiences to gain perspective, who has no agenda besides supporting me and helping me find healthy ways to live

• Practice in self-expression and unpacking emotions – learning how to share what’s happening internally in an understandable way

• Practice challenging assumptions made about others and becoming curious in the face of my reactions

• Practical tips, solutions, and practices to bring into my lived experience • A richer vocabulary to use when sharing my experiences

• The ability to be much more patient and gentle with myself and others

Read more: Pre-marital Counseling: The Wedding Gift that Keeps on Giving.

Counseling has blessed me in innumerable ways. But those are a few that felt worth sharing because of how meaningfully they’ve integrated into my vocation and helped me in my relationship with my husband. Part of the beauty of counseling is that it is fully ordered towards healing and wholeness, just like our vocation. Marriage, at its best, helps us to heal and find restoration so that we can ultimately be prepared for the eternal relationship of heaven.

I was recently rereading the book Searching for and Maintaining Peace by Fr. Jaques Philippe and was struck by some of his words, which I feel capture what I mean to say about the experience of counseling with real clarity and understanding.

"We often live with this illusion. With the impression that all would go better, we would like the things around us to change, that the circumstances would change. But this is often an error. It is not the exterior circumstances that must change; it is above all our hearts that must change. They must be purified of their withdrawal into themselves, of their sadness, of their lack of hope".

Counseling can be a great tool to bring about renewal in our hearts by way of healing in our mind. It can be such a force for good in our lives and our vocations, offering hope and peace.

If you’re looking for a counselor who shares your Catholic faith, consider searching in your area on www.catholictherapists.com/ or check out the Marriage and Family Therapists on Spoken Bride’s Vendor Guide.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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What's New in the Spoken Bride Community

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Ever wonder what songs other brides chose for their wedding Mass? Looking for ways to make your first home as newlyweds sacred and beautiful? Excited to share a photo once you’ve tried on your gown? Just need a place for encouragement and intercession from other Catholic brides?

We’ve got you.

The Spoken Bride Community is a feed-style app we created to be different from any other platform out there. No sponsorships, no ads, no cursory Likes. Just honest conversations about practically anything you can imagine related to engagement and married life, and spiritual and practical support that meets you where you are.

We’re ready to welcome you and can’t wait to see what fruits your voice and your story will bring to the Community!

Your first month is free, and after that, for the price of one specialty coffee a month, you’ll receive access to:

  • Daily discussion topics and dialogue with other new brides and Spoken Bride team members, along with direct message options 

  • Weekly and monthly prayer opportunities that align with the liturgical year

  • Monthly virtual events hosted by Catholic wedding vendors, counselors, and more, ready to share their expertise and address your questions face to face

  • Exclusive downloads and discounts from the Spoken Bride Shop

  • Sincere affirmation, insight, and connection that forges real bonds of sisterhood and celebrates your engagement and wedding milestones alongside you

We truly believe the Spoken Bride community embodies goodness, truth, beauty, and relationship, inviting you into our mission in a distinctive and personal way. 

Here’s what we’ve been discussing recently…

  • Sexual intimacy within marriage, and the finer points of what chastity looks like for spouses

  • The nature of being a helpmate and, as women, the tension of desiring self-sufficiency while recognizing the importance of asking our men for help

  • How to spend a date night writing your own personal marriage prayer

  • Special occasion makeup that befits your internal state and reflects your feminine genius, and how to honor one another’s preferences when your beloved enjoys a less made-up look

...And here’s what’s coming up:

  • An overview of premarital and marital counseling topics, hosted by Maribel Laguna, Licensed Premarital & Marital Counselor, of In His Image Counseling Center

  • A panel discussion on choosing an NFP method, featuring a Creighton Practitioner, Couple to Couple League Instructor, and a Marquette Method Instructor

You’re invited, and we hope you’ll join us.

To do so, download the Mighty Networks app to your phone, search for Spoken Bride, and follow the steps within the app to become a member. 

Marian Honeymoon Destinations

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Are you planning your dream honeymoon or perhaps a getaway with your spouse after a crazy year?

As a newlywed couple, travel can give you some much needed quality time after the busy season of wedding planning, and as Catholics it can also be a spiritually edifying and faith-filled experience.

PHOTOGRAPHY: PIXELMUSICA WEDDINGS

PHOTOGRAPHY: PIXELMUSICA WEDDINGS

Looking to incorporate your love of the Blessed Mother into your travel plans? Check out these five Marian honeymoon destinations.

Shrine of Our Lady of La Leche 

Devotion to Our Lady of La Leche (or Our Lady of the Milk)  goes back to a 4th Century Grotto near Bethlehem which you can still visit today. It is said that the Blessed Mother stopped here to nurse the baby Jesus during the flight into Egypt. Many visitors to the Milk Grotto ask Mary for help conceiving a child. 

However, if you are looking to stay stateside and maybe spend some time at the beach, you can visit a beautiful shrine in St. Augustine, Florida dedicated to Our Lady of La Leche. This shrine is found at the Mission of Nombre de Dios which also has shrines dedicated to Our Lady of Guadalupe (Patroness of the Americas) and Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

Basilica of the Annunciation

If you are planning a trip to the Holy Land to see the Milk Grotto, be sure to also check out the Basilica of the Annunciation. Tradition holds that this site in Nazeraeth is where the Angel Gabriel appeared to Mary announcing that she would become the mother of God. 

Just a short walk away is the Church of St. Joseph, which is believed to be the site of St. Joseph’s workshop. So you can walk with your new spouse where the Holiest of families lived and walked. Ask for their grace to follow their footsteps throughout your married life. 

Shrine of the Miraculous Medal

In 1830, the Blessed Mother appeared to a French nun St. Catherine Labouré and told her to have the Miraculous Medal made. There are actually two major shrines dedicated to the Miraculous Medal for you to consider in your travel plans––the original convent in Paris, France where Mary first appeared and a chapel in Philadelphia. These two cities offer many unique experiences for travelers and would make excellent honeymoon destinations for city-lovers. 

Knock Shrine

If you and your soon-to-be spouse want to explore the Emerald Isle for your honeymoon, you should visit Ireland’s National Marian Shrine at Knock. 

The Knock Shrine is the site of an Apparition of the Blessed Virgin Mary in 1879. Eyewitnesses say they saw the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph, and St. John the Evangelist. Along with them appeared a Lamb standing before a cross on an altar surrounded by angels.The grounds of the shrine feature five churches, beautiful gardens, and a museum. 

County Mayo, where the shrine is located, is full of natural beauty and outdoor activities, and would make a unique honeymoon destination. 

Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe

The Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico City houses the miraculous image of the Blessed Mother on St. Juan Diego’s tilma. It welcomes over twenty million faithful every year, making it the second most visited church in the world, after St. Peter’s in Vatican City.  So whether you want to head to a relaxing beach resort or explore more of what Mexico has to offer, you’ll want to make sure to check out this must-see Marian site. 

Don't Take Your Spouse for Granted | Practical Tips for a Healthy Marriage

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

A couple years ago I was talking with a woman who had a beautiful marriage and had raised a large brood of wonderful children. And I was like, "Okay, tell me the secret formula. Tell me the tips. Tell me the list of marriage and parenting books for success."

And she just laughed and said the fact I desired to have a good marriage and raise good children was a sign I was going in the right direction. I think my interior response was something like, "No really, I know you've got a ten-step program to holy married life tucked up your sleeve. Spill the beans, lady."

But she did say something that both surprised and helped me: never consider yourselves past the possibility of divorce. In other words, never take your marriage for granted. When stated in the latter terms, it sounds like clichéd marriage advice. When stated in the former terms, it's startling and perhaps affronts our Catholic sensibilities. After all, for devout couples who entered their marriages seriously, fully assenting to its character as an inviolable sacrament, the possibility of divorce seems absurdly far-fetched.

But around this same time, I heard another friend, who had been married a few years longer than us, say that she knew couples, faithful Catholic couples whose weddings she had been a bridesmaid in, who were now getting divorced. And that also startled me.

This is not to say that divorce is never the answer. The church, in her wisdom, allows it in such cases as abuse out of respect for the dignity of the victim. But in otherwise healthy marriages, it can be easy, I think, to consider your marriage too holy to be impervious to the wear and tear of sin and then to find you've slipped into a vipers' nest of presumption and resentment.

So how can we, practically speaking, not take our marriages for granted?

Pray together. 

Not as a vague resolution but as a scheduled thing. The morning office or even just a morning offering. A daily or weekly examen. Spending ten or fifteen minutes reading Scripture or another spiritual work together and discussing. Any one of these can be a fruitful way of knowing what's on your spouse's heart.

Pray for each other. 

When I remember, I like to say the noon Angelus for my husband because it's right at the height of the workday and I especially like novenas because they can be like tiny pilgrimages you undertake for someone. There are also many days when I say very short prayers and make small sacrifices for my husband's sake. As a result, I feel more closely united to him and am far more likely to have a tender-hearted response over the irksome things that are simply part of doing life with another person.

Read more: Creative Ways to Pray for your Spouse

Be attentive to their needs

Ask your spouse, "How can I help you today?" When my husband asks me this, I often find it's the question itself and not even the act of service that lightens my emotional load, because it shows the interest he takes in me and my daily life.

Avoid shaming. 

Shame is such an immobilizing force. When do we ever elicit kindness from someone when we heap blame on their head? When do we ever feel light enough to pick ourselves up and do good when we're mired in the heaviness of shame. A sense of humor and a sense of reality--we're all human, we all fail--fosters the peace and openness needed in marriage.

Seek counsel.

Go to marriage counseling or to spiritual direction. I know of a couple, whose marriage is ostensibly not in crisis mode, yet who go to regular counseling as "marriage insurance." Brilliant.

In my pre-married life, I imagined marriage as a kind of promised land of easy peace and fulfillment. But marriage is an invitation to a continual process of conversion which, while hard, is also infinitely more beautiful than a life free of demands. If we cooperate with God, we will be changed and stripped of our idols, thus becoming Christ-bearers to those within and beyond the walls of our homes.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Your Marriage's Role in the Story of Salvation

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

What story is your life telling? What story is your marriage telling?

PHOTOGRAPHY: PIXELMUSICA WEDDINGS

PHOTOGRAPHY: PIXELMUSICA WEDDINGS

These questions are meaningful, even if they may seem to us at first a little self-important. They are the questions of purpose and value. They are the 'why does it matter?' that we can return to in the moments when we may be tempted to believe it doesn't anymore, or when things are really difficult and desolate. They undergird the times when we feel the goodness of God flourishing in our relationship in blossoms of evident grace.

It’s worth it for us to take time to ponder these questions because the implications of how we answer them touch everything that we do and are. They speak deeply into the scope of how we see ourselves in the greater world in which we live. And so, we do not have to fear pride when we take the time to reflect on them. Nor do we have to believe the lie that we aren't important enough to need to answer them. And above all, we do not have to fear that we do not know the answer to them. Because God has given us the answer in Christ.

The truth is that our story is bound up in a much bigger one. Our lives, and in turn our marriages, have a place in the fullness of the story of Salvation History - unfolding in real time, in beauty and mess and detail, under the providence of God. 

It’s a story that began at the very beginning and hasn’t stopped since. Through periods of enslavement and wandering and the unfolding of His law. Into ages of prophets and kings and the rising up of a great nation. Into the fullness of time, when He took on flesh and taught and healed and consummated it all on the cross. From His rising to His anointing of those to whom He left his Church and His mission. Into the years of that Church drawing close to Him through His sacraments. All pointing ahead to life fully redeemed with Him and in Him.

The story of your own family fits nestled right in its appointed place in this unfolding tale of God’s love. These historic, Biblical, covenantal moments can be traced through the timeline of our world all leading up to this moment now – the one you’re living. They all lead up and into the reality of your life story and fill it with meaning and scope.

If we mistakenly think that our marriages are only about us, or even more tragically that they are not really meaningful at all, we may miss the most important truth of all. The love that you and your spouse offer each other in fidelity through your lives is part of the way God has chosen to reveal His mystery to the world. It is a part of the greatest and most important story there is. And because of that, your marriage has cosmic level significance. The way you live – the unfolding story of your life, matters immensely.

Far from being meaningless or only about you, your life, vocation deeply included, is drawn up into the story of God's divine love. Henri Nouwen, a favorite spiritual writer and kind of spiritual father to me, once wrote in his book Bread for the Journey:

"We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them." 

The more we come to see our place in the greater story of God’s love for humanity, the better we can comprehend the real importance and dignity of our own life. The more, like Henri would encourage us, we can then trust that our story deserves to be told and shared and lived well. 

Because our story matters, and it is not just our own. 

Our marriages matter deeply to God. And when we can sense our personal significance to Him, life becomes better. We may then find ourselves capable of living more fully in every respect, which is really all God wants for us.

So maybe the real question of importance then becomes, “How do I see my marriage within the story of God's plan of love?”

Meditating upon that question and finding we can answer it well, can free us from the fear that we do not matter. God wants us to trust that the unfolding stories of our marriages rest in His arms, us confidently knowing the depth of their value.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Reconnecting the Spiritual & Physical Realities of Sexual Intimacy

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BRIDGET BUSACKER

 

You might already be familiar with the idea that the Catholic Church, in her wisdom and goodness, doesn’t see sex as a necessary evil or something to be scoffed at, but rather to be celebrated and enjoyed by married couples. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: ALEX KRALL PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: ALEX KRALL PHOTOGRAPHY

This might sound absurd or even shocking to you, as it did for me when I first learned about it. I discovered this reality through the readings of the Catechism of the Catholic Church and Theology of the Body and thanks to the excellent witness of incredible Catholic couples and speakers.

“Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament.”

Not only does the Catechism of the Catholic Church talk about the commitment expressed through sexual intimacy, but that sex is created by God in His goodness as a source of joy and pleasure.

We don’t realize just how beautiful sex is in marriage because of how we have responded as a society to erotisicm and purity culture. We tend to take extremes, by responding in ways that don’t allow us to live out the fullness and goodness of sexual intimacy within marriage by a man and a woman.

The reality of renewing our wedding vows as married couples through sex is such a gift! And, it shifts the way in which we are challenged to think about sex with our spouse, family planning, and how our love is ordered. Do we respect the person in front of us? Are we choosing to love them or to lust after them? Do we see this person as subject or object?

John Paul II in his September 8, 1982 General Audience he said: “Marriage is the “most ancient revelation (manifestation) of the plan [of God] in the created world, with the definitive revelation and manifestation – the revelation that “Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her,” conferring on his redemptive love a spousal character and meaning.” 

God in His goodness shares His love for us and the beautiful love story of creation through the married couple’s sexual intimacy.

It’s time for us to start reconnecting our understanding of sex to the theological realities of our Catholic faith - understanding that reestablishing this understanding doesn’t mean that sex is purely theological. Rather, it is a dance of both the physical and spiritual realities together, constantly calling us into deeper love and understanding of the nuptial banquet.

About the Author: Bridget Busacker is founder of Managing Your Fertility, an online, one-stop shop of Natural Family Planning (NFP) resources for women and couples. She is on a mission to fuse the science of Fertility Awareness Based Methods (FABMs) and Theology of the Body (TOB) into the everyday practice of NFP. Bridget is passionate about women’s health and sex education that promotes the dignity of the human person by integrating a holistic approach to self-knowledge of the body.

Managing Your Fertility: WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | TWITTER | FACEBOOK

Trusting God with your Family Planning When Physical Intimacy is a Challenge

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MARISOL B.

 

Going through marriage preparation, we were required to attend an NFP class. Both of us already had great awareness around the formative and scientific aspects of Natural Family Planning, as well as the bioethics involved. We made a plan for how we envisioned our first year of marriage, and we initially agreed that while open to life, we would wait about a year before planning to grow our future family from a duo to a trio.

However, one day, my fiancé shared that during one of his weekly Encounters (a meeting where a group of men share a Gospel reflection and review life cases in light of our current culture, virtues and vices and Gospel passages – followed by spiritual and apostolic action), he felt called to pray for a honeymoon baby.

After this conversation, we decided to plan our family around that little prayer and continued to prepare for the Sacrament.

Fast-forward to our trip together after the wedding day and we discovered a major plot twist. As we found ourselves unable to physically consummate our marriage during our time away, we went back to our new home a little bit deflated and in search for answers.

After multiple OBGYN visits and a couple of failed procedures, I was finally given a diagnosis and I began a journey into recovery. 

I struggle with involuntary floor muscle spasms and I have found throughout the years that there is increased awareness around the topic and about the many women who suffer from inability to achieve penetration or experience painful intercourse.

It may feel like a lonely road at first; however, there are more widely available resources and tools to help with multiple pelvic floor conditions (either primary or secondary cases); including Physical Therapy, dilation practice, etc.

Related: Turning to the Eucharist When Physical Intimacy is Complicated

While NFP has not been utilized by us to avoid pregnancy during the thirteen years of our marriage (because of our inability to have intercourse in the first place), I have found the practice to be very helpful and a wealth of knowledge about my own body and the ways in which I can achieve healthy periods, ovulation and sustained energy throughout the years.

I have been able to notice changes in my body which I can easily modify with diet and lifestyle practices which support healthy female function. And we await the moment in which I make good enough progress in my journey to achieve consummation and hopefully pregnancy.

Read more: Benefits of Charting Beyond the Bedroom

Last year, during the pandemic, we unexpectedly received an invitation to host the image of Our Lady Undoer of Knots and each of the people that had prayed in front of this beautiful image before us, had added a prayer intention written on a piece of white ribbon.

After the novena was finished, we thought about what we would write as a prayer petition on our little white strand and the request was made for a ‘honeymoon baby’ which only God knows how, when and whether to grant. 

It is never too late to fulfill a resolution made back in 2007. After all, during the wedding at Cana the Choice Wine, produced by the miraculous hand of Jesus was served towards the later part of the celebration.

We faithfully await the moment when two may become one, and by God’s grace, a family of three or more.

About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment, building a life of purpose and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

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Experiencing the Paschal Mystery in Marriage | A Holy Week Roundup

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After forty days of Lent, we now find ourselves in the midst of Holy Week, readying ourselves for the solemn remembrance of the Passion and Death of Christ before His triumphant Resurrection. 

As we approach the Easter Vigil, the greatest liturgical celebration in the Church, we at Spoken Bride want to help you cling tightly to the cross in your marriage and fully embrace the joy of the Resurrected Christ. 

Here are our favorite pieces from the archives on liturgical living as a couple, Holy Week reflections, and tips for living in the joy of the Resurrection.

Words Become Flesh: Speaking in a Way Worthy of our Vows

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MARISOL B.

 

So many graces have been poured upon us, from the words exchanged during the Sacrament of Marriage, and we carry out their meaning in our day to day life.

From the moment the sun rises to its setting, we have the opportunity to give purpose to our daily conversations and hold them against the promises exchanged.

The question is, how intentional are we with our daily words? We might speak words of love and encouragement, or defeat and disapproval. We may speak words which build and restore, or words which crumble and discourage.

I remember a specific moment in my first year of marriage when my husband and I were having a conversation about household duties. As I was cleaning a coffee table, I was given unwelcome directives on how the task needed to be accomplished.

As my husband continued to correct my methods, I was filled with pride and resentment. I stopped the activity and went to the bedroom of our small apartment and closed the door without saying much. I probably shut the door a little louder than usual to “make my point.” I was filled with self-contempt, and as I sat by our bed, my eyes caught sight of a book I had close by.

It was Venerable Fulton Sheen's Three to Get Married, and as I picked it up and opened it randomly, I was met with following words: “In history the only causes that die are those for which men refuse to die.”

I knew marriage to be a worthy cause and I realized right away that my prideful disposition needed to take a break. I decided to write a note to my husband; one that surrendered and expressed something along the lines of: "I realize our cleaning methods might defer, and I am open to learning better ways."

My pride probably had a quick reappearance and made a mental note that in reality my cleaning method was better than my husband's, and that he was being unreasonable; yet, at the same time I was humbled and determined to die to self.

I opened the bedroom door and found he had fallen asleep on the couch, so I placed the note in front of him and began working on other activities.

Once he woke up and read the note, he came running towards the room and hugged me, asking me to forgive him for being so petty. We were gifted with a moment of great humility and connection.

Related: The Art of the Apology

How many moments of similar nature are part of our daily life and how do our words (whether written or spoken) communicate goodness, truth and beauty?

I find particular strength to fulfill this call, by starting my day filled with the Word of God in Scripture; through Mass or a daily devotional. It feeds me and prompts me to remain centered in Christ and on His great love for all of us and through all of us. It helps me to speak words which bring life to others; especially my husband.

I take an honest thought inventory and examine my self-image, to ensure that I am not speaking words out of fear or insecurity. To ensure that my words come from a deep sense of love and belonging.

We hold in our own hands, a constant invitation to make love incarnate, through our thoughts, words and actions. Are we listening?

About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment, building a life of purpose and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

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What Can You & Your Beloved Do to Support Each Other's Dreams?

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

“But where will you find the time?” he asked. I fought the urge to roll my eyes, again, my brain already whirring through potential comebacks.

As often as I’ve wished my husband and I had a brag-worthy, Insta-perfect habit of wholeheartedly supporting one another’s dreams, the truth is that I’m an idealist and he’s a realist (and of course, the truth is that I know our life could never be completely reflected in a single caption or image on social media). We dream very differently.

Have you and your beloved discussed your dreaming styles before? Early on in our relationship, I’d literally tell my husband one of my wildest dreams (usually, for me, related to hobbies, travel, or home projects), expecting a shared sense of excitement and purpose. Instead, these revelations would frequently be met with a series of questions that brought my imaginings crashing back to earth. I’d ask him about one of his own future goals or ideas, and would hear in his words the sense of hesitation and doubt. 

It’s been revelatory to encounter the ways our individual temperaments and upbringings have shaped our differing attitudes towards goal-setting, risk, and aspiration. These differences used to cause a great deal of hurt and misunderstanding, yet time has helped us recognize each of our habits, desires, and areas for growth when we talk about our dreams.

If you and your beloved, like us, have different balances of idealism and practicality, here are the questions and discussion points that have helped my husband and I grow in understanding and support for one another’s hopes and ideas.

Related: What do you want your home and family life to look like? What mission are you called to as a couple? How can you refresh yourselves after stressful seasons? Dream together with Spoken Bride’s Family Culture Workbook and Relationship Reset Guide.


State the end goal of your conversation.

Vulnerability expert Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind,” meaning conversations go most smoothly when each person communicates their needs, intentions, and expectations without vague language or avoidance. She frequently relates this concept to leadership, yet it’s been transformative in my marriage, as well, fostering an ever-deepening sense of understanding, empathy, and union between usI.

It’s been a particularly fruitful concept in this area of talking about our dreams. We (usually I) used to just dive into a conversation about my ideas, beginning with “Wouldn’t it be so great one day to…,” which frequently led to dampened enthusiasm or discouragement. Now, when sharing a dream, my husband and I both try to clearly state the context and goal of the conversation at the outset--that is, we’ll say whether we’re looking for specific advice and actionable steps related to an idea, or if we’re simply daydreaming and thinking aloud. Clear is kind!

Do you have a specific time frame in mind?

Some dreams, like my husband’s hope of getting his band’s music on college radio, have a sense of urgency and a deadline in mind; within one year, for example. Other dreams, like my longtime desire to take our children to Disney World once they’re old enough, are more of a distant-future idea that don’t make sense to concretely plan for just yet.

Discussing whether our dreams are short-term or long-term, time-sensitive or flexible, gets my husband and I on the same page, and leads to the next question addressed here:

What concrete matters should we address to make this dream a reality?

Personally, I love the thrill of possibility and don’t struggle to dream without the constraints of material or practical concerns. My husband, on the other hand, considers limitations before giving himself permission to really enter into an idea and consider how it might take shape. By identifying the concrete matters involved in a given undertaking, we’ve become better able to embrace the tension of ideal versus reality, and to feel the empowerment of a roadmap and to-do list.

So when one of us is ready to really dive into a dream, we benefit from listing the resources and steps that will help us get there. Consider what amounts of your time, finances, education, and materials you’re willing to invest (individually and as a couple), and write them down or set a date to commit to these investments. 

How will I support you, and how will we pick up any slack in our home and family life?

My husband started a graduate program, after much discernment and steps forward in trust--the year our first child was born. Though the constant work, low pay, and long hours on campus were hardly a dream come true, we both felt the peace and confidence of knowing this path was where the Lord had led us, and that the end goal would be the true fulfillment. It took so many conversations about distinguishing work time and family time and about household responsibilities before we felt in a rhythm with what his program would require of us both. The excitement of what teaching and study opportunities the degree would open up helped motivate the both of us to stay the course.

The summer I set out to write a book manuscript, my husband took over the at-home parenting duties, taking on the bulk of tending to our kids, cooking, and chores that I typically do when he’s at work during the school year. Flexibility with role reversal, and a spirit of service and sacrifice, made it relatively easy to act as true helpmates after identifying the areas of our life where we’d need to step in for each other.

Like any other area of our relationship, the act of supporting one another’s dreams has been learned; a work in progress. In this progress, I can now look back--and ahead, as we continue to dream--and see the ways each of our natures complements the other.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Benefits of Charting Beyond the Bedroom

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KIKI HAYDEN

 

Even after we learned that physical intimacy wouldn’t go as planned, my husband and I decided to continue to chart my cycles together. 

Charting together has been such an affirming experience for our marriage. The very act of charting together has helped us grow in virtue and deepen our  emotional intimacy in ways that I hadn’t anticipated.

Humility

During our engagement/betrothal, my husband and I attended an NFP class together. At the start of the class, I thought I knew everything there was to know about charting. After all, I’d read several textbooks about it and had been charting for some time before becoming engaged. 

Spoiler alert—I had a lot to learn. And I still do, even years later. A woman’s body and her cycles are deeply mysterious. I’m having to let go of my hubris and accept the humbling reality  that I’m not always right.

Impatient for my husband to learn the rules of the sympto-thermal method, I became anxious and spoke harshly to him. I didn’t want him to “mess up” my charts. Allowing him to participate in this sort of intimate medical record-keeping took a lot of trust and humility. It was (and is still) hard for me to let go of control.

The painful but necessary side effect of this is that I’m learning how to argue with my husband more respectfully. Often, I question his judgment on our charts, but I’m learning to bring it up in a more respectful way, open to the idea that perhaps he is right and I am wrong. Growing in humility isn’t my favorite activity, but it is definitely improving the way I communicate about conflict—even very personal conflict.

Trust

It’s difficult for me to allow my loved ones to make a mistake when I know I could have prevented it. My instinct is to jump in and just do it for them. I often think I know better than they do. This is especially true when I encounter someone who solves problems differently than I do.

My husband definitely solves problems differently than I do.

So you can imagine how frustrated I felt when I watched my husband incorrectly mark peak day or fail to identify a temperature rise. My responses were far from gracious.

“Can’t you see there are more fertile days? I’ll just mark peak day.” “You’re not following the formula. I’ll just mark the temperature rise.” “You aren’t working the app right. I’ll just do it.”

Eventually, there was nothing left for my husband to do. He felt left out. “I want to do this together,” he said.

It took a few years (and yes, I mean years) before we developed a rhythm for charting together. In different seasons of our marriage, our rhythm has changed to meet our current needs. But we always make sure that each of us has an important role. 

Currently, my husband records my temperature and I record my symptoms (fluid sign and medical symptoms like headaches). Together, we decide when to mark peak day, temperature rise, and the first day of my new cycle. We also talk with each other about the  patterns we notice with my physical symptoms. The extra communication involved in charting  together has increased our trust of each other and our respect for the  other’s thinking processes.

I’m learning (sometimes through gritted teeth) to trust my husband to contribute to my charts. And sometimes he has insights that I hadn’t noticed about my symptoms. Which brings me to the next benefit of charting I’d like to discuss.

Related: How Men Can Be Supportive in NFP

Caring for each other

My cycles are a hot mess. Not to get into details, but I have a lot of really awful menstrual symptoms, like brain fog and extreme fatigue. (Yes, I’m consulting doctors about this—don’t worry.)

Through trial and error, we’ve noticed that my brain fog seems worse when I forget to eat enough carbohydrates. So my husband, saint that he is, watches my chart carefully. The week of my period, he adds extra pasta to my plate, or bakes me some yummy homemade bread. (Did I mention that my husband is a saint?)

We know I’m liable to experience extreme fatigue at certain times during my cycle, so he’s proactive about helping me get extra rest during those times. He even picks up extra chores around the house so I don’t have as much to do when I get home from work.

If my morning temperature seems off, he lets me know. “Baby, you’re colder than usual for this time of the month.” And he throws extra blankets on me. Also, he’s the first to notice if I have a fever.

Although I don’t chart my husband’s health, I’m trying to reciprocate this intimacy and caring. I try to check in daily with my husband about how he is feeling—how are his stress levels? Does he have a headache or a stomachache? Does he have enough energy? What is his mood like? 

Sometimes I add extra protein or fiber or his favorite sweet treats to our grocery list, depending on his needs. And when I’m able, I try to pick up some extra chores so he can relax after dinner. I’m not as good at this as my husband is, but I’m trying to learn from him.

As we work to improve my health, I try  to encourage him on his health journey too. We’re both working on improving our posture and finding time to stretch and exercise even during a busy work week.

Even if intimacy doesn’t go as planned for you and your beloved, I encourage you to chart your cycles together. Teamwork during medical record-keeping can help you to grow in emotional intimacy as a couple, improve your trust and humility, and even help you to care for each other.

About the Author: Kiki Hayden is a freelance writer and bilingual speech therapist living in Texas. She is a Byzantine Catholic. To read about how God has changed her life through speech therapy, check out her blog and/or connect with her on Instagram

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Board Games Suggestions for an Enjoyable At-Home Date Night

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MAGGIE STRICKLAND

 

After my husband and I got engaged, we started asking our newly-married friends for suggestions on building our registry. One answer that we received more than we expected was board games. 

We added a few to our registry, which meant we were prepared to host game nights, but over the years, we’ve added to those original games and figured out which ones are best with a group and which ones can be played easily with just the two of us. 

Leisure is a necessary part of both marriage and the Christian life. Playing board games provide unique opportunities for quality time, laughter, and developing communication skills. And they make a perfect at-home date night or a relaxing Sunday afternoon activity. 

Here are our top three two-person games that you and your spouse can enjoy together. 

Dominion

Dominion was the first game that we really played seriously as a couple; we loved it so much that we invested in several expansion packs and brought several of them along on our delayed honeymoon. This is one of our favorites and the one we almost always go back to.

The premise of this game is that each player is the monarch of a small kingdom who is vying with neighboring monarchs to acquire the most land. This deck-building game starts with small identical decks for each player and an assortment of other “kingdom” cards to buy and build your own custom deck to help you win. The original game stands alone quite easily, but any of the kingdom cards from any expansion can be mixed in, so there is quite a lot of variety.

Bananagrams

I grew up in a Scrabble-playing family, but the one downside to that game is how long it can be, since you have to wait for the other players to come up with a word before you can play again; we have had multi-hour games of Scrabble, which isn’t always conducive to marital harmony when one spouse (in our case, me) is impatient.

We prefer Bananagrams because it doesn’t require a board or score-keeping, and each player goes at their own pace. The game itself is really small – 144 tiles in a banana-shaped bag – which makes it a good game to pack when traveling. Using the tiles, each person constructs their own crossword, trying to use up their letters as quickly as possible. The speed of the game means that sometimes spelling errors are made in pursuit of winning, but we always end up laughing at the words each of us has chosen.

Forbidden Island

We were introduced to Forbidden Island by some new friends whose board game collection is extensive; they recommended it as a good way for us to get to know each other. It was great to play with another couple, because it was interesting to see each others’ communication styles, but it also works well for just two people.

In contrast to the previous two games, Forbidden Island is a cooperative game, in which players must work together to move around an island collecting items before the water level rises too high. Each player takes on a different, but essential role in helping to achieve the goal; there are multiple levels of difficulty, which makes this a good game to go back to. It isn’t a difficult game to learn, which makes it a good starting point for people who aren’t avid board game players, and the design of the board and pieces is beautiful.

One last note: board games can be expensive, especially if you end up not enjoying a particular game, so I recommend trying them before you purchase (or add them to your registry) if that’s possible. Some library systems will allow you to check out board games, or you might ask around to see if anyone you know owns a copy of the game you’re interested in playing.

About the Author: Maggie Strickland has loved reading and writing stories since her earliest memory. An English teacher by training and an avid reader by avocation, she now spends her days homemaking, chasing her toddler son, and reading during naptime. She and her husband are originally from the Carolinas, but now make their home in Birmingham, Alabama.

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Why Holy Leisure is Essential for a Healthy and Holy Marriage

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

When was the last time you and your husband did something that made you both feel completely alive?

After a long day at work, or an exhausting afternoon of keeping children alive while also trying to minimize tantrums, it’s hard to want to do anything more stimulating than sitting on the couch in your pjs. 

Husbands and wives find themselves needing to unwind from the day's events, so they often default to watching a television show for date night or scrolling on their phones to “relax” when they have any downtime. 

Who has the time or energy for anything else?

Today’s culture which promotes productivity and lauds those who “hustle” has warped the holy idea of rest. 

Instead of seeing rest as a necessity for a fully human life, it is seen as a time to wind down and shut off; a chance to charge our batteries like machines so we can get right back to work.

However, true leisure goes beyond this.

In his book Leisure: The Basis of Culture, Catholic German philosopher Josef Pieper writes that leisure is like “the stillness in the conversation of lovers, which is fed by their oneness… And as it is written in the Scriptures. God saw, when ‘He rested from all the works that He had made’ that everything was good, very good, just so the leisure of man includes within itself a celebratory, approving, lingering gaze of the inner eye on the reality of creation.” 

True leisure, holy leisure is not a state of inactivity, but of an active, contemplative stillness and wonder. It invites you to behold Truth face to face, to drink in His Beauty. 

This leisure is necessary for the Christian life and a healthy marriage.

Firstly, Leisure reminds us who we are. 

Pieper writes: “Leisure is only possible when we are at one with ourselves. We tend to overwork as a means of self-escape, as a way of trying to justify our existence.”

We often believe (even subconsciously) that we must prove to ourselves and others that our life is meaningful; we feel the need to quantify our contribution to our households, to society. 

This comes from us placing our worth in what we do, rather than the truth of who we are. But rest helps reorient our thinking. 

Ultimately, we rest because God rested. We are made in the image and likeness of a God who took time to delight in His creation. 

We rest to remind ourselves that we aren’t slaves to our work, but daughters and sons of the King.  And it is from this identity that our lives and our relationships, particularly our marriages, must flow. 

Not only does leisure help you better understand your identity, but it also breaks you of the mindset that other people's worth comes from what they do, equipping you to love more fully. 

Leisure helps you to love more fully. 

It may seem counterintuitive to think that doing something enjoyable and lovely would help you love someone better. But, although it fills and pleases you, true leisure is not self-centered or pleasure seeking.

Pieper writes: “Nobody who wants leisure merely for the sake of ‘refreshment’ will experience its authentic fruit, the deep refreshment that comes from a deep sleep.”

When we make time to fill our own cups, we have more to pour out on the other people in our lives. It makes the giving more joyful and ultimately, more fruitful. 

Leisure invites you to look out beyond yourself, and gaze lovingly at the Beloved, the source of Life and Love.

It teaches you to truly behold the other, recognize God dwelling in them, and allows you to wholeheartedly say to them: “It is good that you exist.”

Related: How to Plan and Enjoy a Sabbath as a Couple


Finally, leisure allows for true worship.


Pope Benedict XVI said: “If leisure time lacks an inner focus, an overall sense of direction, then ultimately it becomes wasted time that neither strengthens nor builds us up. Leisure time requires a focus- the encounter with him who is our origin and goal.” 

Leisure isn’t good for us because it makes us feel good, but because it facilitates an encounter with our mysterious, all-loving God. 

Binge-watching television shows, or mindlessly consuming content on the internet, while they do provide the needed rush of dopamine to make us (momentarily) feel good, are not activities that invite us to ponder the depths of God. 

Pieper even goes so far as to describe worship as the highest act of leisure. 

Worship, like other forms of leisure, cannot be utilitarian. It is pure celebration and communion with Goodness and Beauty Himself. 

Leisure, in the ways it attunes your heart to the presence of God, brings you and your spouse deeper into the eternal dance, the unending song of praise to the Creator. 

When I see your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and stars that you set in place— What is man that you are mindful of him, and a son of man that you care for him?...O Lord, our Lord,  how awesome is your name through all the earth.

So, talk to your spouse about the things you “don’t have time for.” 

Maybe it’s stargazing, hiking, or rock-climbing. Maybe it’s knitting or gardening, listening to beautiful music or reading good literature.

How can you make time for the activities that give you life and joy, that fill you with wonder and awe? 

About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Vendor Week 2021 | What is Your Relationship Founded On? Scriptures to Ground You Throughout Engagement & Marriage

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KRISTEN McGAUGHEY & SINIKKA ROHRER

 

If 2020 taught us anything, surely it is that life is unpredictable and uncontrollable. Reflecting on the year that passed, and sitting in the tension of these current tumultuous days, I have found myself frequently running back to consider three questions:

  1. Where does my hope lie?

  2. What am I trusting in?

  3. Do I really believe that God is good?

This may seem like a weird way to begin a blog post on marriage. But I've found it to be so true that what I believe, trust in, rely upon, and adhere to affects my entire life, and moreover my marriage. We must be anchored to truth and have a firm foundation on which to stand!

Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:24-25 that Everyone who listens to these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock.r 25 The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and buffeted the house.s But it did not collapse; it had been set solidly on rock.

When the foundation was solid, the house stood. What does that mean for us today?

If you look closely at this verse, you'll see that Jesus gives us a few key instructions.

First, we must 'hear his words'.

God has given us a treasure by giving us his Word, the Bible. We see the heart of our Father in these pages. We see the life and teachings of Jesus. We see the power of the Holy Spirit.

Hebrews 4:12 tells us that Indeed, the word of God is living and effective, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating even between soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and able to discern reflections and thoughts of the heart. Scripture changes us! We must be women of the Word to establish our lives and our marriages on a solid foundation.

Secondly, in the verse, Jesus tells us that we not only need to hear his words, but also to do them.

The book of James echoes that same instruction, Be doers of the word and not hearers only... (James 1:22).

Thirdly, Jesus warns us that the storms will come.

He tells us in John 16:33 that in the world we will  have trouble (emphasis mine), but to take heart, for He has overcome the world. It is this that gives us reason to have hope, firm and secure (Hebrews 6:19).

We do not have to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34) for he will never leave or forsake us (Joshua 1:9), as he is with us always. (Matthew 28:20). What beautiful promises we have to cling to, whatever life may throw our way throughout our marital journey.

I don't know how 2020 shook out for you and your groom, or how the forecast for 2021 is looking. Maybe you're currently still trying to figure out rescheduled wedding plans. Maybe you had a quarantine wedding where most attended via Zoom. Maybe you're newly married and trying to figure out this new season of life as a wife. Maybe you're five, ten, or fifteen years married with a crew of babies underfoot.

Whatever your season may be, these things are vital to consider. We will never outgrow our need to center ourselves on Truth. We will never arrive at a place where we don't need to be in the Word, in prayer, and in fellowship. 

We will never escape our desperate need for Christ.

Jesus tells us in John 15:5, I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing. A branch will wither apart from the vine, and so it goes with us; we must cling to Him, building our days, our marriages, and our lives on the solid rock of Jesus Christ.

As you consider these things, I'd like to encourage you to spend some time reading the following Scriptures this week:

Philipians 2:1-18

John 15:1-27

Ask the Lord to show you how these truths can be applied to your life right now:What does it look like to love your fiancé? How can you demonstrate the love of Christ in your daily living? What does obedience to his Word look like right now?

I am praying that you will be rooted and grounded in love, that you may be able to comprehend the width, length, depth, and height of Christ’s love. My team and I  pray you may truly know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge, and be filled with all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:17-19).

We are praying that your marriage be blessed, and that you will continue to build your marriage on the firm foundation of Jesus, and always abide in him, being hearers and doers of the Word. May you feel the Lord’s presence around you as we lift you up!

About the Authors: Kristen McGaughey and Sinikka Rohrer of Soul Creations Photography are part of an Indiana-based photography team offering a unique client experience centered on spiritual and practical support for Christian and Catholic brides on their way to the aisle and all throughout their marital journey.

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Finding Abundance During Seasons of Abstinence

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BRIDGET BUSACKER

 

“We have to abstain AGAIN??”

PHOTOGRAPHY: MACKENZIE REITER

PHOTOGRAPHY: MACKENZIE REITER

I remember looking at my app and reviewing my charted symptoms from the past few days and knew if we didn’t feel called to having children, we would need to abstain from sex that night.

And, I’ll be honest, I can remember many moments like this. At one point, my husband and I joked about having a song to capture our frustration, so we could jam it out. This might sound crazy, but these frustrations with Natural Family Planning (NFP) actually lead to good (and hard!) conversations for us about it. 

We have to choose to have an abundance mindset about NFP or to live in a space of scarcity whenever we discern that ovulation means abstaining in this particular season of our marriage.

We quickly realized that:

Firstly, the Catholic Church wasn’t forcing us to practice NFP. We have free will and could easily choose to throw it aside and use birth control. But, we knew through the education, training, and theology we had read how much we wanted this for our marriage. 

We read and saw couples practicing who truly spoke to the virtue building, finding creative ways to love each other, rooting out lust, and not treating our spouse as objects. We wanted that! But, like loving someone, it is a choice. And, to love my spouse fully, I need to choose NFP for our marriage to help me root out my own sinfulness and struggles when it comes to sex.

Secondly, we could hold a grudge during times of abstinence, or we could choose to see it as an opportunity to stretch, grow, and find creative ways to love each other. We quickly learned how limiting our creativity was and abstinence during each cycle really challenged us to refrain from complaining and be proactive in our love for one another.

Don’t get me wrong, we maintained honesty about our frustrations because it was helpful to articulate the roadblocks, our personal struggles with lust, and the temptation to focus on our own desires. 

But, we also celebrated our attraction to each other, the desire we have for one another, and the great gift of sex! We needed both in order to be on the same team and love each other fully, especially in seasons of abstinence.

So, we created a list. We didn’t follow it perfectly, we sometimes failed and fell into complaining, but it was the continual conversation that helped us (and continues to help us) grow in our love.

Ask each other about your favorite games, movies, meals, hobbies and what new things you want to try together. Explore each other’s interests and lean into the newness of trying the unfamiliar in an attempt to get to know your spouse and what they enjoy.

Related: Questions to Foster Emotional Intimacy

This time of abstinence can be hard because you love your spouse and you desire union with the other person you’ve given your life to. However, it can also be a time of abundance if we choose to make it as such. 

If you find yourselves really struggling, reach out to your instructor or another couple you trust and share what’s going on. It can help to talk to someone outside of your marriage when it’s hard to see the opportunities or when it just feels downright painful. Just remember that you are not in this alone in this season of abstinence! 

NFP challenges each couple to determine what God is calling each of us to and we discern the best we can. You’re not failing at NFP if abstinence is hard. You’re doing it right if the struggle is real and the pain is evident. The fire of NFP is absolutely purifying, but you and your spouse can come out stronger together!

About the Author: Bridget Busacker is founder of Managing Your Fertility, an online, one-stop shop of Natural Family Planning (NFP) resources for women and couples. She is on a mission to fuse the science of Fertility Awareness Based Methods (FABMs) and Theology of the Body (TOB) into the everyday practice of NFP. Bridget is passionate about women’s health and sex education that promotes the dignity of the human person by integrating a holistic approach to self-knowledge of the body.

Managing Your Fertility: WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | TWITTER | FACEBOOK

Newlywed Life | Lessons in Love from Quarantine

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

If hours spent indoors alongside my husband, inhabiting the same four walls for days on end has revealed anything to me, it’s this: in marriage, there is nowhere for me to hide.

And as we enter our eleventh month of quarantine amid COVID-19, I’m actually grateful for the purification we’ve undergone. In these months of increased isolation, my shortcomings have never been more pronounced. To acknowledge them, rather than to hide, has been an ongoing pursuit.

Photography: Shannon Acton Photo, seen in Sandra + Shaheen | Glamorous Orange County Wedding

Photography: Shannon Acton Photo, seen in Sandra + Shaheen | Glamorous Orange County Wedding

Has your relationship undergone something similar? Being home together more frequently than we ever have before has shown my husband and I who we are, and on the best days, has given us the resolve to be more who the Lord calls us to be. If the pandemic has also brought you and your spouse to this level of deeper--and sometimes, more painful--vulnerability, here I’m humbly sharing some of the lessons and fruits I’ve experienced:

It’s okay to do things differently.

In the early weeks of lockdowns, my husband and I bickered constantly over our daily routines: what was the better way to load the dishwasher? Why didn’t he make the bed right after waking? Why did I let unread texts and emails accumulate in my notifications?

While it sounds blatantly obvious to recognize that most daily tasks have no moral dimension, we struggled so frequently with thinking our personal ways of doing things were the only way. As time passed, we talked about inviting the divine into the mundane of our routines--that is, remembering even with our differing habits, we’re on the same team for life. 

Apology is a language.

Much like receiving love, receiving and accepting apologies takes on particular meaning to every person. Have you and your spouse ever discussed your “apology language”? Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, cites “expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting,” and “requesting forgiveness” as distinct languages of apology. I encourage you to talk with your spouse about what words and actions you each find most impactful and provide the most closure on an issue. This apology quiz by Dr. Chapman can help illuminate ways to facilitate meaningful apologies in your relationship.

In a time when my husband’s and my tempers have flared more frequently, quick apology and sincere forgiveness have made a noticeable difference in the overall tenor of our days. 

Loving encouragement is a skill you can develop.

My husband and I trust each other with our failings and try to receive correction humbly and honestly. Emphasis on try. In these months at home, there has been such a stripping away of myself before the man who calls me on at my worst and still sees the best in me. 

It’s become increasingly clear to us that how we call each other on is just as important as when we do (that is, not when one of us is preoccupied or when our kids require our presence and attention), and what issues we choose to bring up with one another. Instead of saying things like “Man, can’t you put your phone down?”, something more like “Is all this constant internet time the most fulfilling thing for you right now?” expresses the same sentiment in a constructive, thought-provoking way. Words matter, and my husband and I have been challenged to make our communication more loving and clear.

Enter into your shortcomings--but don’t stay there.

In quarantine there is, quite literally, no place to run. What could be an occasion to turn inward in my shame has instead shown itself to be an opportunity to go outside of  myself--confronting my weakness instead, and allowing the Lord to bring my husband and I into a deeper union.

Deciding to own up to my bad habits and daily failures hurts. But like removing any disease or poison, there is restoration on the other side of the pain. If I were to deny my mistakes, rationalize them, or refuse to believe I’m ever in the wrong, I can only imagine a bone-deep sense of loneliness. When I ask my husband’s forgiveness for my instances of impatience, bad moods, or criticism, I’m realigning myself with him, knowing that to be in error alongside him is more consoling--and more productive--than remaining unapologetic in my pride, alone. 

“It’s amazing how God has designed marriage for the salvation of the spouses: you have the choice to either close in on your selfish tendencies, refuse to serve each other and end up broken and alone. Or you can choose to learn how to place the other first, to serve each other in sacrifice and find happiness. The choice is our own.”

If the pandemic has left your home life struggling, know you aren’t alone. Communication, apology, and mercy are foundational skills we can always grow in, with the help of grace and the support of a loving spouse. Whenever the time comes that my husband and I are no longer working from home and together nearly 24/7, I pray I’ll look back on this time as one of great growth.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Finding Joy in your Daily Call: Book Recommendations for Newlyweds

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

When I got engaged a month before I turned twenty-one, some family members were concerned that I didn't know what I was getting into. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: DESIGNS BY JESSINA

PHOTOGRAPHY: DESIGNS BY JESSINA

They were worried that I had my head in the clouds about the way the administrative details of my future life would shake out. Maybe it was because I had dragged my feet to do basic things like get my driver's license or because my only jobs had been babysitting and tutoring. I don't know.

Whatever the reason may be, they needn't have worried. Those details of life--the applying for jobs and paying bills and adulting--were bumpy for me to get a handle on and bumpy still for me to juggle (especially now that I've got to keep track of three extra people's doctors appointments and shoe sizes). 

Yet the hardest part of marriage has been thinking my vocation lies on the other side of that daily muck of life.

It is tremendously easy to get lost in the maintenance of daily life and to let temporal anxieties loom large and rob me of my peace. 

I have often fallen into the trap of thinking things like: if I just stayed at home instead of spending ten hours a week commuting I could create the most beautiful domestic church, if I could just get away from my kids and make a holy hour, I could live a more faithful life, or if I could  just use my creative gifts instead of keeping people fed and clothed then I could be who I'm meant to be.

I suspect we commonly enter into marriage with this particular weakness for chasing peace in any place other than the present moment precisely because engagement is an intense period of waiting. You can easily spend that time in a state of imagining and dreaming up what the joys of marriage and children will look like. But then you come to marriage with a world of images and dreams overlaying and competing with the reality of joy shaken and stirred with monotony, frustration, exhaustion, and general human failing.

But as St. Josemaría Escrivá wisely once noted, "the secret of married happiness lies in everyday things, not in daydreams." The reality of your vocation is all day every day and not on fringes of a difficult work day, whenever you can get a break from the onslaught of needs from toddlers, or in thinking up all the potential restructurings of work and family life balance.

So I'd like to offer a few sources of profound yet practical wisdom for the newlywed (or not-so-newlywed) struggling like I have with uniting my attention to the reality of the present moment and finding real joy in my vocation, regardless of, and indeed more often through, the responsibilities of my day.

Practical Mysticism

Evelyn Underhill was a 20th century Anglican writer and a gifted spiritual director. Harboring a lifelong attraction to Catholicism, she is known especially for her writing on Christian mysticism and spirituality in which she draws deeply upon the works of figures such as St. Teresa of Avila, St. Augustine, and St. John of the Cross. 

This slim volume insists that mysticism is for everyone, not those of superior intellect or those who regularly levitate away in angelic ecstasies. Underhill defines mysticism as "the art of union with Reality," and few things have helped me more to alleviate the pressures of playing the comparison game (both on social media and in real life) and to plumb the extraordinary riches of my ordinary life than this book.

He Leadeth Me

I will forever be grateful to the fellow teacher/mama friend who lent me this life-changing book when she saw me drowning in the all-consuming emotional and mental toll of first year teaching and working mom life. 

Servant of God, Fr. Walter Ciszek, recounts how he suffered at the hands of Soviet forces for four years in solitary confinement and then fifteen years of hard labor in a Siberian Gulag. But what makes this gripping tale so pertinent for this wife and mom are the spiritual lessons Ciszek shares. 

His witness impressed on me the important truth that God's will for me consists of the 24 hours of this day, the people I encounter this day, and the work of this day. His will is not my anxieties over the past or future, what people think about me, or the distractions I can pour into when I'm irritated with the situation at hand.

Holiness for Housewives

St. Josemaría Escrivá also wisely once said that "those who are called to the married state will, with the grace of God, find within their state everything they need to be holy," and Dom Hubert Van Zeller's short, direct book is kind of handbook expounding on these words. 

Van Zeller writes: "The greatest pleasures in life are not those that are superimposed--any more than they are those that represent escapes. The greatest and most lasting pleasures are those that emerge out of life itself. They are those that come in virtue of the vocation, not in spite of it." Van Zeller reminds me that authentic happiness comes not from the glass of wine and the episode (or three) of my current favorite show at the end of a long day, but from the marrow of my vocation--from making a gift of self to the people God has chosen for me even when it's hard.

I hope you find wisdom and strength in these books to faithfully, joyfully carry out the responsibilities of your day. 

For, indeed, it's in the unseen, often immobile work of sitting on hold trying to pay bills or sitting up with a sick child at two am or sitting in traffic on your daily commute that you vitally participate in building up the kingdom of God.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Join Our Team! Features Editor & Social Media Volunteers

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Through discernment, and with our gratitude for the growth of the Spoken Bride community, we are excited to announce we’re expanding our team! We’re eager to work with individuals who share in our passion for Catholic marriage, with an eye for beauty and a voice of authenticity.

Spoken Bride is seeking one full-time Features Editor, one volunteer Twitter Manager, & one volunteer Pinterest Manager. Applications are open through Friday, January 22.

Our ideal candidates are collaborative-minded servant leaders with original, creative takes on Catholic wedding-related content and an eye for growing and expanding our ministry. Above all, candidates should have a heart for Spoken Bride’s mission and for the sacrament of marriage. Experience with writing, digital marketing/PR, weddings, and/or theology is ideal.

Feeling called to apply? Find information and application forms for each position below.

Features Editor

The Features Editor will handle all facets of managing, editing, designing, and scheduling proposal and wedding submissions for Spoken Bride’s blog. This is a remote position with compensation.

Responsibilities include:

  • Responding to brides’ and vendors’ wedding submissions with acceptance or rejection

  • Editing and composing submissions into narrative form for weekly features on Spoken Bride’s blog and social media

  • Arranging and importing wedding images for features

  • Ensuring correct vendor attribution and links for all published features

  • Team communication via email, text, and calls

Qualifications:

Our Features Editor should possess significant narrative composition ability and the ability to write with flawless grammar and mechanics. A strong candidate should be excellent at creating informative, engaging content that builds trust and relatability with readers and embodies Spoken Bride's mission. Experience with journalism/composition and the wedding industry are a plus.

Social Media Volunteer Team: Twitter Manager & Pinterest Manager

The Social Media Volunteer Team will work closely with the Social Media Manager to design, compose, schedule, post, and engage with daily content on Spoken Bride’s Twitter and Pinterest accounts.

Responsibilities include:

  • Composing and scheduling daily posts

  • Daily engagement with followers and users on each respective platform

  • Initiative for continued education and innovation in the constantly changing field of social media

  • Team communication via email, text, and calls

We look forward to hearing from you!