Surviving Social Distancing as a Married Couple

The world has been thrust into a season of uncertainty as we deal with the fallout of a global pandemic. 

Navigating these changes like social distancing measures put in place to help slow the spread of the disease isn’t easy. 

Here are some pieces from our archives that we hope will help and encourage you and your spouse during this challenging time.

PHOTOGRAPHY: TRUTH AND BEAUTY PHOTOGRAPHY

Health + Self-Care

Establishing a bedtime routine with your spouse | Professional Resources to Support Your Marriage | Hobby Ideas for Couples | 4 Secular Novels Featuring Insights into Authentic Love + Catholic Marriage | Fun Reads Featuring Strong Marriages | The Bookish Catholic Bride’s Guide to Good Podcasts | Increase the Quality in Quality Time | The Power of Childlike Play in Marriage

Prayer

How to Plan and Enjoy A Sabbath as a Couple | Establishing a Prayer Routine | Creating a Prayer Space in Your Home | Creative Ways to Pray for Your Spouse | What Does Sacrifice Look Like in the Everyday? | Modeling the Catholic Home in the Monastic Style| How and Why to Consider Bringing an Examen Prayer into Your Relationship | When Sacrifice Feels Like Too Much

Communication

The Art of the Apology | Actively Listening to Your Spouse | Tips for Forgiving Your Spouse | How to Talk About Your Spouse | The Habit of Affirmation |The Learning Curve of Communication + The Learning Curve of Prayer |What are the Non-Negotiables in your Relationship? | How to Connect with Your Spouse While Postponing Pregnancy| Questions to Foster Emotional Intimacy | How to Avoid Fights About Money | Avoiding the “Four Horsemen” in Marriage | Cultivating the Spirit of Newlyweds Across Time

Encouragement

God’s Ways Are Not Our Ways: Encouragement to Endure| Do You Suffer Well Together? | You Are More Than Your Imperfections | Death to Control Freaks: Inviting Trust + Selflessness Into Newlywed Life| Becoming the Sacrament | Finding Heaven in a One Bedroom Apartment

To You, Our Community, in This Time of Uncertainty.

It’s hard to know what to say as the state of our physical, social, and emotional wellbeing seemingly changes by the day amidst the coronavirus pandemic.

Photography: Pillar & Pearl

In this desert, it’s normal, and alright, to feel heavy-hearted: concern for loved ones, especially the vulnerable and those working in essential industries. Anxiety over sickness and suffering. Social loneliness. Cancellation of Masses and the sacraments. The delay and uncertainty of long-anticipated milestones, including weddings.

From all of us at Spoken Bride to you, our community of readers, we see you.

We feel the pain and helplessness of your engagement and wedding looking different than you imagined; at the prospect of few to no guests in attendance; of delaying your wedding date or honeymoon; at confusion over deposits made and vendors booked. Our team members and vendor community hold you in prayer, wishing so deeply that we could offer concrete support along with the spiritual.

The answers to these wedding-related challenges might not be easily determined in the coming months. Yet through it all, the certainty of the Father’s love is as relentless and unchanging as ever. 

As we adjust to a new normal of social distancing and self-quarantine--a literal turn toward the interior--we’re here alongside you in striving to embrace this time as an invitation; a new depth of spiritual interiority and trust in God’s unceasingly merciful care.

We’re also here for you, in solidarity and practical assistance. Together we’ll navigate the challenges of decision-making and the practicals of adjusting your expectations and wedding plans, sharing insights from our team members and vendors here on Spoken Bride’s blog and on our social media.

Don’t hesitate to reach out with your intentions and to tell us your stories during this season of unrest. We want to hear how you and your beloved are entering into social distance, whether you’re together or apart, who we can pray for, and what changes your wedding plans have undergone. 

As we learn to move forward, life feels a little in a state of suspension. The edge of the dawn; during Lent, no less. Join us in praying the Sisters of Life’s Litany of Trust, knowing we are his beloved and that surrender brings peace.

Answering Common Questions from Non-Catholic Wedding Guests

Getting married in the Catholic Church can be an invitation for non-practicing or non-Catholic friends and family to encounter the faith. The experience of entering a Catholic church—whether for the first time or for the first time in a long time—can bring a range of emotions and questions. 

As the ministers of the sacrament of marriage, the bride and groom are not only responsible for exchanging vows with each other, but are also serving their guests as leaders and teachers. Here, we share some of the most common questions non-Catholic wedding guests may ask—or wonder—and suggested responses for each.

PHOTOGRAPHY: NIKAYLA & CO.

Why is a Catholic wedding so long? 

A regular Catholic Mass typically lasts about one hour. The first half, called the Liturgy of the Word, includes introductory prayers, readings from Scripture, and a reflection from the priest. The second half, called the Liturgy of the Eucharist, includes the celebration and sharing of the Body of Christ with the addition of prayers and songs. 

When a Catholic wedding seems to last a long time it is because the exchange of vows and rings occurs within the regular liturgy. Therefore, you can expect the regular hour-long Mass plus the wedding ceremony. 

Catholic Weddings do not have to include the full Mass. So when they do, it was an important choice the bride and groom made when planning their wedding. 

What should I expect from the Mass? And what’s with all the movement up-and-down?

In general, the priest is the leader of the Mass. The congregation follows his words and actions for cues on what to say, when to say it, and how to move. However, other people support the Mass by reading and serving in different ways. 

You can expect that Mass will start with sitting or standing and listening to readings from the Bible. In the middle, the bride and groom will share their vows and rings with each other. Then the Mass continues with communion, or the Eucharist; this part involves more standing and kneeling and responding in prayer. 

How do I know what to do and should I follow it? Are there any rules I need to know about?

There are a few ways you can follow along with the Mass. First, you can observe the people around you and follow their lead. (Truly, no one will notice if you are a second behind the crowd.) Second, you can look for “The Order of the Mass” in one of the song books in your pew to follow a written outline. Third, if the bride and groom have prepared a program, you can use the program as a guide. 

As a non-Catholic, you are invited (and encouraged!) to participate in the sitting, standing, kneeling, singing, and praying portions of the Mass—as much as you are comfortable. After all, you have been invited to this wedding to be a part of the community of witnesses to pray for and celebrate the bride and groom. Regardless of your spirituality or religious beliefs, there is a joy to be shared as the two become one, through love, in marriage. 

When it comes time for communion, there are special considerations for non-Catholics. Continue reading the next question for more. 

What is communion? Can I take communion? What should I do during communion? 

Catholics believe that the simple bread and wine presented on the altar during a Mass become the living, real presence of Jesus--his body, blood, soul, and divinity. To receive communion is to receive the body of Christ. 

If you practice a different faith, do not share this belief, or have not been spiritually prepared through catechesis to receive the Eucharist, you are invited to remain present in the Mass without receiving communion. 

As the congregation processes to the front of the church during communion, you can choose to receive a blessing--by walking forward with your arms crossed on your chest so each hand rests on the opposite shoulder--or to remain at your seat. Either way, this is a time for reflection, solitude, and recollection.

PHotography: Alex Krall Photography

How can I support the couple during the ceremony if I'm from a different faith or am not religious?

Prayer can be defined as a longing of the heart. While you are present at a Catholic Mass to support a couple you know and love, give your heart space to long, to desire, for their eternal happiness, faithful love and total commitment to each other. This couple has invited you to be a part of their special day to not only celebrate the beginning of their married lives, but to also celebrate the history of their lives that led them to this day. 

Being present at a wedding ceremony is about a reciprocity of love—offering love for the new couple and receiving their love for your role in their life. Differences in faith or spirituality do not take away from this meaningful sharing of the heart. 

Are there guidelines about what to wear?

Imagine how you might prepare if you had the chance to meet the Queen of England. As you stand face-to-face with her regal throne and dress, you would likely present yourself with a certain level of prestige, reverence, and modesty. 

The same thinking is appropriate in preparation for a Catholic wedding. During the Mass, Catholics celebrate coming face-to-face with the King of Kings, Jesus Christ, who is fully present in the Eucharist. Maintaining a sense of prestige, reverence, and modesty in respect for the beliefs of the Catholic faith is a safe policy when choosing what to wear at a Catholic wedding. 

For more common questions and answers about a Catholic Wedding, check out a post from our archives: 4 Scripts for Explaining Catholic Wedding Traditions to Friends + Family.

6 Tips for Planning a Wedding Novena

KIKI HAYDEN

You know you’re Catholic when you say a novena for (almost) every occasion. If you never have before, it’s not too late to start!

Photography: Noteworthy Expressions

A novena is a prayer said over nine days, usually for a specific intention. Spending nine days in prayer is an intimate way to invite the Lord into your daily life, whether in thanksgiving or petition. Novenas can be prayed in anticipation of favorite feast days, birthdays, baptisms, holidays, and--of course--weddings. A wedding novena is a beautiful way to unite in prayer with your future spouse, your friends, and your family as you prepare to enter your vocation.

Here, a step by step process for creating a personal wedding novena.

Decide when to pray your novena.

Novena prayers are a powerful way to enter into preparation for your vocation. You can pray a novena early on, just after engagement or betrothal. Developing a habit of prayer early in your engagement keeps Jesus at the front of your mind amidst the overwhelm of wedding planning.

As other options, consider a novena in the nine days leading to your wedding, or beginning on your wedding day and lasting through your first nine days of marriage—a honeymoon novena—to establish a practice of daily prayer in your new life with your beloved.

Don’t limit yourself! My husband and I invited our friends and family to pray two novenas alongside us: one at the beginning of our betrothal, and another leading up to our wedding day. And we privately say a novena for the days leading up to each anniversary. The Lord is so generous and loves hearing our prayers.

Make a list of intentions.

This sets the tone for your novena. You might identify one intention for each day, or you could come up with a list of a few important intentions to pray throughout the nine days. Fitting intentions for your wedding might include commitment to God and one another. 

You can also include personal prayers based on your passions, hobbies, and love languages. Additionally, practical prayers, such as prayers for health for you and your family or for peace in your home, can foster trust in the Lord to provide for your needs as a couple. 

Keep your petitions open to God’s will. And of course, give thanks for the community who is praying with you!

Write a litany of saints.

Invite the angels and saints to join your novena by including a small litany. To personalize your novena, consider including your patron saints and those whose feast days fall on or near your wedding date. 

I also recommend invoking the intercession of saintly couples whose vocation inspires your own, such as Louis and Zelie Martin, or Aquila and Priscilla, as well as any personal devotions to Jesus, Mary, and favorite saints.

If anyone in your family or support network has passed away, you may want to include them in the novena litany too, as a way of intentionally inviting them into your wedding.

If you can’t decide, you can always ask “all the angels and saints” to pray for you. 

Decide who to pray with.

After identifying your time frame, intentions, and litany of the saints, decide which living friends and family members you’d like to join in your novena. Ask yourselves if you’d prefer your novena to be a private prayer for just the two of you, a group prayer with your wedding party, or a prayer open to all your guests through your wedding website and invitations. 

Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance as to whose prayers you need the most. If you do invite your guests to pray with you, consider saying the final prayer day at your rehearsal dinner or wedding reception.

Consider the religious backgrounds of your prayer warriors.

There are ways to express your Catholic faith that include your non-Catholic guests. If you are inviting Christians who are not Catholic, consider making the litany of saints optional, with an instruction like, “If you feel comfortable asking for prayers from the cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1), please pray this litany.” 

For those of other faiths, offer the option to pray to God the Father instead of to the Trinity. And for guests who aren’t religious, encourage them to think of intentions as “good thoughts” or “wishes” rather than prayers. These modifications invite non-Catholic guests into your wedding preparation and allow anyone who wishes to participate in the novena prayer. 

The Lord listens to everyone. Our non-Catholic guests expressed gratitude for being included in my husband’s and my novenas, and we really appreciated their support! No matter each guest’s background,  the Lord answered the petitions in abundance.

Pray it forward

After you’ve had the experience of writing your own beautiful and personal wedding novena, consider sharing this gift with other couples.

When friends get married, my husband and I say a novena for them using this process. I usually send a text each day telling the couple  the intention or saint of the day for their novena. 

For my non-Catholic friends, I modify the novena to meet them wherever they are in their spiritual journey (I send them nine days of “wishes/prayers”). Your friends will appreciate your support, and the Lord loves to spend time with you as you earnestly share the desires of your heart for your friends. Novena prayers are a powerful expression of love for your friends and family, your spouse, and Jesus.

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About the Author: Kiki Hayden is a freelance writer and bilingual Speech Therapist living in Texas. She is a Byzantine Catholic. She writes about how God has changed her life through speech therapy at Speaking With Kiki.

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How to Use Personality Inventories in Your Marriage

CARISSA PLUTA

When my husband and I were engaged we both accidentally found ourselves at a Myers-Briggs personality assessment class hosted by Career Services on our campus.

We both were required to attend for different reasons, and were surprised when we walked out of the class with a better understanding of our future spouse. 

Assessments like the MBTI, the Four Temperments, and the Five Love Languages are used to give people insights into their personalities and to help foster self-reflection.

While it’s true that these assessments such cannot paint a full picture of an individual (nor do I think they should be used to define compatibility), they can provide useful information that can help you better understand yourself and your spouse. 

Related: The Limits of Pre-Marital Inventories

Highlight Strengths (and weaknesses)

Individuals can use personality assessments to gain a better understanding about who they are as a person and can help individuals recognize their strengths and weaknesses and gain insight into how that may affect their relationship with their fiancé or husband.

For example, according to the four temperaments, I am a Melancholic. This means while I am a thoughtful, reflective person, I also may have a difficult time with offering forgiveness to people who have hurt me. Learning about my temperament has made me more aware of my problem-areas and have personally helped me better deal with them. 

Again, tests like this can be affected by a person’s upbringing and lifestyle, so it is not an all-encompassing glimpse into an individual; however, it can increase self-awareness which is important for a successful marriage. 

Foster Understanding

Ben and I learned that our Myers-Briggs types were similar in many ways but we noticed many of our miscommunications and arguments stemmed from our differences. 

Learning about how the other processes emotions, and how they perceive and interact with the world around them allowed us to “step into the other’s shoes.” It gave us a better awareness about how they might view and react to a situation, and in doing so, helped us approach them with more understanding and compassion. 

 Understanding the differences in the individuals’ personalities can help alleviate animosity and criticism within a marriage. 

Keeping these differences in mind when approaching a difficult situation can help couples navigate challenges with more patience and empathy. 

Grow in Love

Personality assessments can also help give you a more clear idea of what would make your spouse feel the most seen and loved, and can give you the tools you need to love them well. 

For example, knowing your spouse’s love languages can help you to show affection in that specific way more often. Or perhaps you might choose to intentionally nurture a structured home environment knowing that your husband thrives in order. 

Personality assessments can ultimately give you a deeper appreciation for the uniqueness of each person, including your spouse and your children and can ultimately help you see this uniqueness as a gift from God. 

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Are You Currently Abstaining in Your NFP Journey? 3 Scriptural Encouragements to Do So with Purpose.

The ideas in this post have been used with permission, from a talk given at Our Lady of Perpetual Help Parish in Ellicott City, Maryland and inspired by Fulton Sheen's talk on the tensions of the celibate life. Citations from the talk are indicated in italics.

In every vocation, God desires an intimate, personal communion with each of us; a depth of love that mirrors that between Christ the bridegroom and the Church, his bride. For men and women called to marriage, this outpouring of nuptial love takes on a literal and physical reality.

Physical, emotional, and spiritual expressions of sexuality are a great gift of married life. And yet, what about times when spouses are called to abstain from sexual intimacy?

Photography: Kathleen Straub Photography

Times of abstinence are built into every relationship throughout various seasons, due to engagement, discernment to avoid pregnancy, illness, or travel. It’s every couple’s prerogative to see these times as purposeful, rather than simply inconvenient or burdensome.

When abstinence is “treated only as a burdensome sacrifice, it isn’t really achieving anything.” Instead, couples are invited to dedicate their periods of abstinence to a particular spiritual purpose.

How? Sacred Scripture can point us to a deeper sense of purpose in married intimacy.

Archbishop Fulton Sheen identified three instances in the Old Testament wherein the Lord “gave a command of ‘temporary celibacy’” that are relevant to the married vocation. Rather than directives, they are ordered toward encouraging and positive purposes.

Abstinence in preparation to encounter the Lord

Chapter 19 of Exodus chronicles “The Great Theophany,” or appearance of the Lord to his people. God instructs Moses to tell his people, “on the third day the LORD will come down on Mount Sinai in the sight of all the people...Set limits for the people all around...Moses came down from the mountain to the people and had them sanctify themselves, and they washed their garments. He said to the people, “Be ready for the third day. Do not approach a woman.”

Abstinence, in this instance, is ordered toward preparation of the heart to meet with the Lord. In your times of abstinence, you might pray that God clear your heart and mind of any idols and distractions, and turn your gaze to him.

Abstinence as preparation for battle

First Samuel tells of David and his men readying for battle in wartime, stating to a priest that they have been “consecrated” for the task at hand--that is, they have been abstinent. They have given themselves over not to license, but “to the Lord and his purposes.”

Even when you and your beloved aren’t preparing for battle in a literal sense, spiritual warfare is real; consider offering phases of abstinence for peace and communion to triumph over unrest and division in your relationships with each other and with the Lord.

Related: What does chastity look like in marriage? | Developing a healthy attitude towards chastity

Abstinence as freedom to serve

Sheen identified Old Testament priests (all of whom, in their culture, were married) who abstained from sexual intimacy when they served their turn in the Temple, or on occasions of dedication of the Temple. Abstinence was intended to free them to “serve the Lord more wholeheartedly.”

In the same way, those called to marriage are called to say “no” to certain things--physical, emotional, and romantic closeness with someone other than their spouse; sex at times not appropriate to their season in life--so they can say “yes” to their spouse and to something greater: a holy union that welcomes the Lord’s will. 

Related: How to Connect With Your Spouse While Postponing Pregnancy

When we embrace it, rather than “white-knuckle it,” sacrifice is transformative. It purifies, strengthens, and redeems. If you and your beloved are currently in a season calling you to abstain from sexual intimacy, these Old Testament purposes can bring significance and fruits to this time. 

Consider, then, offering each “stretch of abstinence...for a particular spiritual purpose.” Draw strength from one another and from the one who is the source of love itself.

"Your Father, Who Sees What is Hidden" | A Collection of Lenten Reflections for Catholic Couples

As we enter the desert of the Lenten season, Christ walks alongside us in hunger and thirst. With us he cries out to the Father, and no movement of the heart goes unseen or unheard. Matthew’s Gospel for Ash Wednesday reads, “...when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you may not appear to be fasting, except to your Father who is hidden. And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you.”

In the hidden and the silence, we are known. The Lord sees the most intimate parts of who we are, calling us into deeper communion. What is he whispering to you? What is he asking?

Rosary + Photography: Our Lady’s Armory

Here, to enrich your journey, a collection of Lenten posts from our archives.

Prayer, fasting, + almsgiving

15 ideas for you and your beloved to pray, fast, and give alms | The fruits of making sacrifices as a couple, plus a download for an intentional Lent | The books that transformed one bride’s prayer life

The pain, and fruits, of purification

Change is good. It’s okay that it’s also hard. | “Simply knowing and believing that the man I married is trying his best, and holding myself accountable to do the same, has freed me from tendencies to blame and wallow.” Consider giving up self pity, especially in a season of new parenthood. | “Remember you vowed “until death do us part.” Remember that part of the sacramental vocation of marriage is to prepare your beloved for a saintly death. You are called to help each other to Heaven.”

Liturgical living

Holy Week traditions you can start during engagement and newlywed life | Our Business Director Andi Compton’s favorite way to visibly live out the season in your home | 4 Ways to Embrace Hospitality During Lent

The tension of anticipation and fulfillment

Are you engaged during this Lenten season of waiting? Four habits you can start now to prepare for married intimacy. | Ways to view preparation for marriage through the lens of these holy 40 days

Real couples’ stories

Caty and Ryan’s proposal along the Way of the Cross | Brooke and Tim’s Good Friday engagement | How Emily and John fell in love over 40 days in their campus chapel | Bianca and Vitor’s Holy Week pilgrimage to Rome and Paris engagement | How one of Jaclyn’s Lenten promises led her and Tony to each other 

We humbly ask your prayers for us, as we pray for you, during this sacred time. It is our joy to pray for you and hear from you; don’t hesitate to reach out with your intentions, by DM or at hello@spokenbride.com.

Marriage Preparation | The Fruits of Reflecting on Your Sacramental Journey as You Anticipate Your Marriage

In the sacraments of the Church, we are given a great and bottomless gift. In particular, it’s incredible to consider that they are lifelong, accompanying and equipping us all throughout our earthly journey.

As your entry into holy matrimony draws near, have you considered reflecting on your sacramental journey so far, and what it means for your vocation?

Whether you were born and raised in the Catholic faith or you entered the Church at an older age, taking time to contemplate the significance and experiences of the past sacraments you've received can deepen and enrich your anticipation of the one you're about to enter into.

Photography: An Endless Pursuit

Consider these prompts an exercise in thought and prayer, and an invitation to notice the Lord's specific, personal love at work in your life.

Baptism

Recall that in baptism, we are anointed for a lifetime mission as priest, prophet, and king; daughters and sons of a loving Father. 

Ask yourself: what will be our mission as spouses (both in a big-picture sense of evangelism and in the specifics of where and to what God is calling us)?

A family mission statement grounds, inspires, and motivate. Read steps for creating your own.

Reflect on the reality of his grace and the ways in which it has led you to your vocation and to your beloved, from the very start of your membership in the Christian community on your baptism day and on through today.

Reconciliation

Saint Faustina compared Christ's mercy to an ocean, with our  sin but a tiny drop. His love and forgiveness are inexhaustible when we kneel before him in humility and contrition. What's more, mercy involves not just forgiveness, but providence: his every movement in our lives, each decision or area of growth we're led to, is his loving will at work.

Ask yourself: How have mercy and forgiveness shaped my spiritual journey? Are there persisting issues my beloved and I need to work through toward healing? In what moments of my life can I see God making his will known to me?

Reflect on how deeply mercy and love are connected: thank Jesus for his unfailing love even through your weakness; ask him to draw you into deeper trust and dependence. 

Holy Communion

The source and summit of our faith is the most intimate encounter with Christ we can experience in this life. A gift of his living self.

Ask yourself: When have I sensed Christ’s real presence in my life? How am I called to embody self-gift in my relationship and future marriage?

Reflect on the nature of Christ’s complete self gift in the Eucharist. A free, faithful, total and fruitful offering of his body and blood. Consider the ways that sacrifice and intimacy in married life call spouses to imitate this gift.

Confirmation

The Holy Spirit takes root in our hearts in a real way through the sacrament of confirmation. With this fire, grace is truly present, strengthening us on the path to vocation and sainthood.

Ask yourself: What gifts of the Holy Spirit and what particular charisms do I recognize most clearly in my life? Like the Apostles and saints, how is the Lord calling me to put my gifts at his service?

Reflect on the treasure trove of graces on tap through intercessory prayer. No matter where you are in your spiritual life, identify ways to grow in devotion to you and your beloved’s confirmation saints.

Does your relationship have a patron saint? Find holy examples and prayers for your beloved here.

Time and prayer can encourage you to marvel at the good and find redemption and meaning in life’s challenges. As you reflect on your journey of the sacraments, may you be moved to marvel, to thanksgiving, and to closer attention to the Father’s abundance.

Spring is in Bloom | Recognize the Buds in your Life and Prepare for a New Beginning

STEPHANIE FRIES

I walk outside and sense a simmering energy on the verge of explosion. You can feel it, smell it and see it. In fact, in many ways, you can even taste the anticipation. 

As a resident of Japan, it is impossible to avoid the hype of cherry blossom season. The “sakura”--the five-petaled, baby pink flowers--have started to bloom! With the start of springtime comes the start of all the seasonal weather, events, festivals, and flavors. (You want sakura-flavored ice cream? Got it. Coffee? We can make that happen. Kit Kats? Done.) 

PHOTOGRAPHY: CLAIRE WATSON PHOTOGRAPHY

It’s amazing to see how the Japanese culture is deeply embedded in the ever-changing seasons. Whenever the trees shift into a new phase of life, there is a new celebration for the gifts of the present moment. With anticipation and a timely response, everything shifts in unison to embrace the current season. 

This responsiveness to change is a metaphor to how we can adjust to changes in our lives, in our relationships. There’s no denying that our relationships move in and out of various seasons. Of course, some circumstances arrive suddenly or even as a complete surprise. But as the bud on a tree foreshadows the coming of spring, a personal new beginning can often be anticipated as well. 

To await change with a spirit of celebration is an attitude I have not-yet mastered. Made in the image of God, we are created with an intrinsic craving for infinity. Yet in our humanness, we are invited to embrace the ache of starting and stopping which magnifies this desire for the eternal.

Many circumstances of intimate relationships come with expectation: the transition from dating to engagement to marriage; the birth of a child; a military deployment or homecoming; a spike of demands at work; holidays, vacations, or time with extended family. 

Recognizing the buds of change in your life enables you to prepare for a new beginning. 

When spousal relationships transition into a different circumstance, it is helpful to adjust the method and means of communication. How, when, and why we communicate must flow in tandem with the ever-changing seasons of our lives. Being proactive with the effects of change can diminish the challenges of transition.

I am striving to shift my role in and purpose of my own marital communication as our lives continue to grow and change. 

As we’ve begun caring for our first baby over the last few months, my communication has become more direct. I’ve had to be intentional about stating my needs--for love, help, and collaboration--in a way that is unfamiliar and, honestly, uncomfortable. But the outcome has served us well as we navigate this sacred time in our family. 

As we prepare for a deployment in the coming months, we constantly discuss what kind of communication can support both our intimacy and our companionship. Phone calls, email, Facebook messenger, FaceTime, and the occasional snail mail each serve a unique purpose in how we stay in touch while we are apart for long periods of time. 

The movement in-and-out of seasons will look different for every relationship. The way we anticipate, prepare for, and respond to the fluid dynamics of a relationship will also vary on an individual basis. 

In the same way the Japanese look to the earliest signs of change and adjust their flavors and customs to enrich the present time, we can acknowledge dynamic change in our relationships and prepare intentional adjustments to support each new beginning.  

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband and daughter, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal…with dessert. Read more

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From the Groom | Even Through Imperfection, Peace Conquers All.

BENJAMIN TURLAND

It was May 2nd, the day we would become one flesh in the sacrament of holy matrimony. We had been waiting for this day for over 15 months.

I think I am not much different than most people, where I dream what the wedding day will look like and think, "my wedding day is going to be perfect, no problems. It will be the best day ever!" We don't always say it out loud, but we think it, right? I expected all our problems would go away and life would be serene for the days surrounding our wedding.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MADI MYERS-COOK PHOTOGRAPHY

Though it was the best day ever, I had to let go of these expectations—in reality, life did not stop happening for our wedding day. The week before the wedding, I was shaken by an uncontrollable event. The immense stress left me sick in the days leading up to our big day. We still had a lot to do and I was running around from here to there, picking up people from the airport, making and changing plans every day. My wife had an allergic reaction to a facial, and she broke out (which never happens). 

Rather than processing the stress, I pulled away from my groomsman, I didn’t talk to anyone, and I found it difficult to calm myself and focus in the hours before our wedding day. 

Then came the wedding day. I was still super nervous, stressed and sick. My groomsman could see it: I was the stressed-out groom. 

My groomsman came over to me, chose me, and prayed over me. Even though I had pulled away from them earlier in the week, they said “yes” to love and the Holy Spirit gave me peace through their presence. I realized the situations leading up to my wedding had been imperfect, but I could not let them ruin my peace. 

Between the once-in-a-lifetime wedding day and being surrounded by all my best friends, I chose to be present. I knew I could not change the past, but I could decide how much the past events were going to control me.

Through the Holy Spirit, it became easier to choose the moment. The prayer ended and I walked down the aisle. Here I was, before my God. Then came the bridesmaids, the flower girl, and finally Megan, my soon-to-be-wife. The person I had journeyed with to be here, through ups and downs. 

With Megan, I have never had someone who has brought me so much joy, laughter and love. But I have also never experienced hurt, distraction, frustration or anger with anyone like I have with her. This is love: it's not always perfect, but she is my best friend. Our relationship was not perfect, and no relationship is. I choose her in the imperfections. 

The Mass was everything I wanted. Becoming one—before God and friends—was the best experience. Our wedding day flew by and I still get sick and stress still creeps in. I have learned that marriage is just like my wedding day. 

Sometimes I idolize marriage and think that because I am married, life or the relationship will be perfect. This is hardly the case; marriage is another step in the journey towards heaven, towards intimacy with  God, towards sanctification. Marriage is the start, not the finish. This is the vocation that will get me to heaven. Megan will help get me to heaven. What is beautiful is that we are a sacrament. We offer grace to each other every day.

On that day, and every day in my marriage, I have to choose to love myself in my imperfections, while realizing I am on a lifelong journey and will never be perfect. I also have to choose to love and have mercy on Megan in her imperfections and support her on the journey she is on. 

Life is full of imperfections, but I try my best to not let those imperfections control me.

In marriage, you learn things about yourself you didn't even know existed; however, your spouse and the grace of the sacrament bring more joy than we can imagine. The experiences of marriage also bring extremes of every other emotion in the book. 

Even though the problems will not go away, I have someone who I know will battle with me till death do us part. Despite the stress and changes in expectations, I look back at pictures and truly see my wedding as the best day of my life.

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About the Author: Benjamin joined the Catholic Church at age 17. Originally from a small mountain town, In British Columbia, he is now a full-time Catholic missionary with Catholic Christian Outreach and lives in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Benjamin loves sharing his faith, snowboarding, drinking coffee and traveling.

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You and Your Spouse Are Works in Progress.

STEPHANIE CALIS

Raise your hand if you thought marriage would change you into the most perfect version of yourself.

...Tell me I’m not the only one with my hand in the air?

Photography: Juliana Tomlinson Photography, seen in Coleen + Matt | Airy Elegance Wedding

Throughout my engagement, I prayed daily for the Lord to form me into the wife he wanted me to be. I asked for the graces of healthy communication, a forgiving heart, and the strength to overcome my bad habits. And yet.

As we settled into our first apartment after our honeymoon, I nitpicked as we cooked dinner, showing my husband the way I liked to chop garlic. I continued my longtime habit of forgetting to turn on the bathroom fan during a shower. I let our time between laundry days stretch to college-student lengths. 

I knew the sacrament of marriage was transformative in the grand scale of my life. What I’d also expected, while hardly realizing it, was that I also thought it would transform me in smaller, more mundane ways. But as I grappled with my same old controlling, bathroom-fogging, laundry-ignoring tendencies, this time with an audience of my husband, I saw that I was still me. Still the woman I was, in all my strengths and especially in my failures, before my wedding day. I now see that’s how it was supposed to be.

It’s true that in matrimony we become really and permanently one with our spouses. An echo of the heavenly wedding feast. In this life, though, as heaven and earth reach toward each other, some transformation requires our own agency. A decision to cooperate with God’s grace. I thought entering a new state of life would change the parts of myself I was unhappy with. But in reality, it was a new opportunity to make those changes, and it was up to me. 

In my realization that getting married didn’t automatically eradicate my biggest weaknesses, I started trying to see my disillusionment—literally, the lifting of a veil—not as an end point, but an invitation.

In my marriage, I’m not called to stay the same forever, but to change. It’s my choice whether to take action, pursuing change for the better, or to let my struggles remain static. To keep them in the dark and blunder on in refusal. Through the love of a forgiving husband who calls me on in my failings and invites me to do the same for him, the Lord purifies and reshapes us both. He asks if we will let him show us the path to true growth and fulfillment. 

His voice beckons: I am with you always.

Have you had a similar experience of expecting marriage to change you? Even now, several years into this call, I still have foolish, fleeting thoughts that I can pray my shortcomings away without actually taking practical steps toward living out my vocation better.

We are all works in progress, and the Father is merciful, there alongside us. I’m reminded of St. Teresa of Calcutta’s words: “I used to think that prayer changes things,” she said. “But now I know that prayer changes us and we change things.”

Whether you’re anticipating your marriage to come, living out the first months of newlywed life, or deep into your vocation and wondering how to grow, may each of us--me included--open ourselves to constant transformation and a deeper understanding of Love’s demands.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Allow Perfect Love to Drive out Fear.

STEPHANIE FRIES

I remember the the insecurities of my heart as a single woman: intimidated by the inherent beauty of womanhood, afraid of being taken advantage of, unaware of the love God shares with the human heart. 

We are affirmed through Scripture that “perfect love drives out fear.” No matter the wounds we bring into relationships, God desires that all of his children experience love with both purity and passion. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: SIMPLE HEART PHOTOGRAPHY

When I started dating the man I would eventually marry, I feared an encounter of passion without purity. Is he just looking at me or does he really see me? Is this a safe relationship to be vulnerable or will I be taken advantage of when I let my guard down?  

I erred on the side of self-protection. With no vulnerability, physical or emotional, there was no opportunity to be the object of someone else’s physical or emotional lust. In short, I was so afraid of being used that I was unable to receive—let alone offer—an honest act of love. 

My then-boyfriend was frustrated yet courageous as he remained patient, honest, and steadfast. And as he pursued me, I felt an increasing desire to pursue Christ. 

Christ instills confidence; through adoration, spiritual reading, and daily Mass, my heart began to soften at opportunities to share my heart with others—despite the potential risks. The ongoing encounters with pure love from a human man and perfect love from God the Father was a catalyst for my heart to more-fully reveal itself. 

When our hearts are exposed, our souls are vulnerable yet free. Free to establish and fulfill a steady identity in God. Free to love and be loved. Free to live abundantly in the spirit. Free to be fruitful in the vocations and Vocation of our lives. 

We don’t have to anxiously wait for a pure and perfect love to find us. God offers each of us his most Sacred Heart, on fire with love and purity, in our day-to-day lives; most powerfully through the Eucharist. He is waiting to tear down the walls we build out of hopeless fear. And as his perfect love drives out fear, we begin to experience life in new ways. 

For some, the freedom found in Christ may grow in tandem with a romantic relationship. But this is not the only freedom offered through God who is love! As fear fades, a life of adventure, joy, hope, and love comes into stronger clarity. When a heart is set free, everything changes.

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband and daughter (Geoff and Abby), a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal…with dessert. Read more

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Ministry Opportunities for Newlyweds

STEPHANIE CALIS

Have you experienced “retreat high?” That feeling of ending a weekend with the Lord renewed in your faith, a fire within, affirmed in your identity, ready to bring the Gospel to everyone you encounter?

I had a wedding high.

Photography: Alicia King Photography, as seen in How He Asked | Jessica + Chris

My husband and I had heard the frequent adage that the first year of marriage would be the hardest. Yet in the joy of finally spending every day and night together after a long-distance engagement, we expressed to each other our surprise that all of the expected challenges of newlywed life felt like ones outside of us, rather than conflicts between us. 

For us, the graces of our new marriage were most evident in our resulting desire to serve other young couples.

We wondered, though, if being “new” at marriage meant we couldn’t offer as much as spouses who’d been married longer and been through more of their vocations’ trials. What we eventually realized was that our newlywed state had fruits of its own, and that couples in every season of married life, from the honeymoon phase through new parenthood, times of suffering, and on into later life, can illuminate particular truths about the heart and bless others by their experiences.

If, as a married couple--perhaps in a new parish--you and your spouse also desire to minister to other engaged and newlywed couples, consider these suggestions.

Serve your parish youth group.

As a high schooler, I remember being struck by the evident happiness and, well, normalness of the several married couples who served as youth leaders. Their sweet attentiveness to each other, strong prayer lives, frequent partaking of the sacraments, and willingness to explain their choices to follow Church teachings made an impact and played a major role in my hopes for a holy, strong, and tender husband.

Are you looking for community? Read 4 tips for becoming a part of parish life.

If your parish has a youth group, consider that simply by being who you are, and just slightly older than the youth you're able to set an example of prayer, chastity, and the pursuit of becoming fully alive in Christ.

Consider a role as educators.

Did any areas of your marriage prep particularly resonate? With your spouse, discern the possibility of sharing your experiences with communication, spirituality, Natural Family Planning, or the adjustment to married life. You might share your stories as a mentor couple or pursue certification in NFP education.

Foster community.

Ministry doesn't need to be formal to be fruitful! If you and your spouse are drawn to the charism of hospitality, you might host weekly or monthly gatherings for other couples in your parish or area. A loose structure of fellowship plus discussion encourages friendships rooted in virtue and gives you companions in the start of your vocation. Consider a potluck meal, followed by a group study, spiritual reading, or viewing a series from Formed.org. 

What if you're drawn to a quieter role?

Embrace the gifts the Holy Spirit places on your heart and trust that the unique way you embody and use your gifts are the most needed for the time and place where you are. One on one friendships with other brides, attending Sunday Mass with your spouse, being honest and authentic in your encounters; all of these speak volumes.

If and when you and your spouse feel called to serve and minister in the Church, know that your witness—in whatever form it takes—is meaningful and draws attention to the Father, the source of all love and communion.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Spoken Bride Vendors | Spotlight, Vol. 9

We are proud to serve you through the Spoken Bride Vendor Guide, the first online resource for distinctively Catholic wedding vendors: hand-selected professionals from around the U.S. with not only an abundance of talent, but a reverence and passion for the sacrament of marriage that brings a uniquely personal, prayerful dimension to their client experiences.

With a range of stories, hobbies, and devotions, it’s our privilege to share who our vendors are and connect them with their ideal clients--you, faithful Catholic couples who are energized by working with like-minded, prayerful individuals. Each month, we’ll be introducing, or re-introducing, you to members of Spoken Bride’s vendor community. We encourage you to learn more through their full vendor listings and reach out!

Our featured vendors this month (click to jump):

Emmaus Films
Fenix Photography, Design, & Events
Handmaid Home
Prolific Services

Emmaus Films

Wedding videography; serving Maryland, Virginia, and Pennsylvania.

Kevin Lohrmann grew up with a love for camera work, but after graduating from Franciscan University, he chose to pursue a career in web development instead. The following year, as freelance videography opportunities with Catholic organizations coincided with changes at his company, Kevin took his side hobby full time. Emmaus Films launched in 2018. 

From the start, most of Emmaus’ clients have been Catholic ministries, churches, and individuals. Kevin brings his years of experience to a “personalized, reverent” approach with brides and grooms, striving always to highlight the gift of beauty: “beauty in the sacrament of marriage; beauty in the people's stories; beauty in God's creation.”

I root for...the Baltimore Ravens!

Favorite movie: A Beautiful Mind

Love means: The total self gift of one person to another, while expecting nothing in return. I've also heard it as "The willing of the good of the other, as other."

Learn more about Emmaus Films

Fenix Photography, Design, & Events

Wedding photography; based in Virginia and available for national and international travel.

 Maria W. and her fiancé Dayton have pursued a variety of creative hobbies since their childhoods. When they first learned photography and realized the emotive power of visual storytelling, they were hooked. “Photography is not point-and-click or copying Pinterest poses, it's about creating an environment where you can capture your client's best self, and creatively capturing authentic moments that they will treasure for the rest of their lives.”

 “Our business motto is "God writes the story... we just document it." because we believe that we are just the people who capture the deepest form of love that He can bestow on two people.  We do our best to help our couples keep perspective throughout the wedding planning that even though all of the wedding details are very important, ultimately the joining of them in marriage is the most important part of the day.”

Our coffee order: We prefer Arnold Palmers!

Favorite saint: Kateri Tekakwitha

The best part of working on weddings: Since we spend so much time together on the biggest day of their lives, we love building a relationship throughout [our] couples’ engagements so that by the time of the wedding we are not vendors, but friends. This relationship is what builds trust so that the only thing they need to worry about is being in the moment with their spouse. For us, there is no greater feeling or "rush" than having the honor to capture the exact moment that God joins two souls for the rest of their lives.   

 Learn more about Fenix Photography, Design, & Events | Read Maria and Dayton’s insights into preserving memories beyond social media

Handmaid Home

Custom wedding quilts and bridal party gifts; handmade in North Dakota and available for nationwide shipping.

Kathleen Causapin’s first sewing projects were handmade bags. Years later, she learned the art of quilting and fell in love.

 There’s something special about wedding gifts that don’t stay tucked away for special occasions, but that become a daily, visible part of a couple’s life together. On the couch or hung on a wall, a wedding quilt becomes just that. According to Kathleen, “I see a quilt as a tangible reminder of that special day, with the unique ability to travel with the couple as they enter into the day-to-day life of marriage.” Handmaid Home specializes in quilts and cosmetics bags--the small bags are an ideal bridesmaid gift--with custom colors, designs, and your wedding date.

Favorite prayer: I have a special devotion to the Miraculous Medal.  It was part of our uniform at my high school and we each received a gold Miraculous Medal at graduation, which I still wear and even tied to my wedding bouquet!  Visiting the Shrine of the Miraculous Medal in Paris, where Mary appeared to St. Catherine Labouré, was an incredible spiritual experience. 

Best places I’ve traveled: Jordan is one of my favorites. There is so much history there and because it is relatively untouched, you really feel a part of it. It was incredible to look out from the top of Mt. Nebo and see the Promised Land that God showed Moses. I also studied abroad in Ireland and have been back several times, so it will always hold a special place in my heart.     

 Favorite book: I read Death Comes for the Archbishop, by Willa Cather, two years ago and have been telling basically everyone I know to read it ever since! I think knowing that Cather wasn't Catholic, yet still wrote with such beauty about Catholicism, makes it even more powerful. 

Learn more about Handmaid Home

Prolific Services

NFP Instruction and Fertility Education; based in Texas, with online instruction available worldwide.

From the start of her first NFP class as a bride-to-be, Nia Husk knew she would one day teach it. Captivated by God’s design for the body and the scientific knowledge that illuminates it, Nia became a certified Creighton FertilityCare Practitioner and founded Prolific Services in 2015. 

She and her team offer NFP Instruction according to the Creighton Model, NaPro Technology consulting, and fertility awareness talks. Prolific Services specializes in online instruction, making their services and education available no matter its clients’ locations. Now several years into her business, Nia says, “I'm still loving this way of serving him and my sisters and brothers in Christ as they begin to build their own families.”

On my bucket list: Raise all my kids to be able to defend their faith beliefs, experience Alaska, and try American Ninja Warrior with my hubby. 

Favorite Saints: Edith Stein, JPII, Mama Teresa, Peter Claver, Agnes of Rome, and Padre Pío.

Love means: Willing the good of the beloved.

Learn more about Prolific Services | Watch Nia’s Instagram takeover from Spoken Bride’s Vendor Week

Newlywed Life | Yours, Mine and Ours: Sharing Ownership of Belongings Reveals a Shared Life

STEPHANIE FRIES

For me and my husband, moving into our first house was a bit unorthodox. Two weeks after our wedding, we moved to Japan and into a hotel on a military base. Two weeks after hotel-living, we were granted access to our new home with temporary furniture. Two weeks after residing in a home together, my husband was sent off on his first deployment. Two weeks after he deployed, our shipment of household goods arrived for me to unpack and organize. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: SARAH WIRTH PHOTOGRAPHY, LLC.

I felt a tension of emotion in this experience. On the one hand, I was saddened that I could not share this time with my husband, especially because I was opening many wedding gifts for the first time. On the other hand, I could turn up the music and take my time nesting into our new home, preparing it as a gift for his highly anticipated homecoming! 

With every emptied box, our separate contributions were combined within our home. Our extra bedroom, which became an office, was the most visual representation of this new shared ownership of our marriage. His and her pens came together in one jar. His and her book collections came together on one bookshelf. His and her computers were placed on one table. His and her picture frames were displayed in one gallery wall. 

“What’s mine is yours” became really real. With great joy, I realized I married into the three-part Jason Bourne movie series! And with great humility, I relinquished complete possession to my own personal closet and bathroom storage. 

The tangible experience of bringing our things into one home reveals a new shared life. It is simple—almost common sense—but it is profound. Only in marriage are two hearts bound together in an eternal, covenantal union. The environment of our first shared home is the visual representation of this truth. 

Now, one year into marriage, I look in our kitchen and see the heart of our home. I look at our bookshelf and see our growing collection of hobbies, travel guides, and conversations. I look into our original office and I see our first baby’s nursery--the most abundant representation of the union of our love, in a new life. 

Just as our hearts and minds have grown more intimately together through the experiences of our first year of marriage, our home has flourished into a place of complete shared ownership. 

Even more, the home is a place for rest, hospitality, sorrow, joy, relationships, and growth. What realities, what truths, are made visible through the environment of the home and through your experience of sharing ownership with your spouse? 

If you are considering living with a significant other before marriage, consider what it means that the visible reality of your home miscommunicates the the invisible reality of your vocation; though your tangible belongings begin to come together, your lives are not covenantally bound until after receiving the sacrament of marriage.

If you are married, in what ways does your home represent and reveal a truth about the growing unity between you and your spouse? 

The fullness of God’s joy is received when our visible lives reveal his image; we reveal him by becoming who he created us to be. May our lives, and our homes, be a platform to reveal the mystery of the free, total, faithful, and fruitful love of marriage.

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Chastity in Marriage

“All the baptized are called to chastity.” Yes, even you, married friends.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MADI MYERS-COOK

How many of us see Chastity as a virtue necessary only until the wedding night (or if the couple needs to postpone a pregnancy?)

However, practicing this virtue in marriage can continue to strengthen the couples’ relationship for the whole of their lives. 

The CCC defines chastity as “the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being.” 

Humans are sexual creatures. We are body and soul, a cohesive whole, unable to be divided. Our bodies have a unique way of expressing our immortal soul, particularly within the sacrament of marriage and seen most spectacularly in the marital union. 

The marital union is the enfleshment of our marriage vows in which promise to make ourselves a complete and total gift to our spouse. Chastity allows you to make this gift of self and prevents you from seeing your spouse as a means to an end. 

While pleasure is a good of the sexual union, it is not the greatest good. 

More than provide pleasure, sex is meant to unify husband and wife and to bear fruit (both physically and spiritually). Anything that prevents these greater goods, or places pleasure at the center, goes against the virtue of Chastity. 

Chastity requires you to look on your spouse with love and appreciation. It calls you to avoid fantasizing about a more “perfect spouse” whether it be physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

Chastity calls you to guard your mind and heart against pornography or other media (even some romance movies or novels) that can titillate the imagination and make it difficult for spouses to fully partake in God’s plan for conjugal love. 

Chastity is radically counter cultural and demands self-mastery and sacrifice. It requires us to have an ordered love of God and in turn, an authentic love for others.

The obvious way of practicing chastity in marriage is remaining faithful to your spouse, or to avoid looking at another without lust, but chastity goes far beyond that. 

You should avoid over-fantasizing about your spouse to prevent them from becoming a way to merely satiate your sexual desires. 

You cannot isolate sexual pleasure from its procreative and unitive purposes, which means you must avoid contraception and sexual acts (such as oral sex or other forms for foreplay) without the intention of consummating. 

It might not be easy at first, but this virtue is worth cultivating.

The grace of the sacrament of matrimony can help couples live out this call to chastity in their marriages and to more clearly reflect the life-giving love of the Trinity.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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What Does Sacrifice Look Like in the Everyday? 4 Ideas for Catholic Couples.

STEPHANIE CALIS

At the altar, spouses solemnly profess to lay their lives down for one another, come what may and even unto death. The call to Christ-like love is a high one, worth attention and contemplation. But what about action?

Photography: Laura Gordon Photography, seen in How He Asked | Elizabeth + Matthew

For me, the gravity and huge significance of my wedding vows are beautiful to reflect upon, yet in all honesty, they sometimes leave me thinking, what now? That is, how, exactly am I being asked to live out these promises?

At the intersection of the theological and the practical is action: concrete steps I can take to embody the sacrificial love my husband and I are called to.

Here, if you’ve wondered yourself how to live out sacrifices in life’s daily rhythms, four practices that have helped me.

Consider your spouse’s love language.

Whether your spouse most deeply receives love through physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or quality time, take time to identify particular ways and times of day in which you can express these gestures to one another.

Do you know each other’s love languages? Find an inventory here.

For us, we satisfy my husband’s love language of acts of service, and mine of quality time, when we clean the kitchen together before bed. It sounds simple, but the time spent chatting and helping one another with chores has become a treasured ritual.

Dream together, and work toward a financial goal.

If money weren’t a factor, where would you go? Who would you help? Talk with your spouse about a trip you’d love to take, a city or state where you hope to live long-term, educational possibilities for your future or present children, and the charitable causes you’re most passionate about. Identifying specific matters you most deeply value makes budgeting and saving feel purposeful. Consider evaluating your budget for areas where you can allocate more to your financial dreams or enacting periodic spending fasts.

Offer up your workouts.

When framed in a healthy context, exercise can bear more than physical rewards. Fitness can be spiritual, as well. If you work out, consider offering each mile or each rep for your beloved’s sanctification or for specific intentions.

I find myself continually inspired by Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati’s motto verso l’alto; “to the heights.” A lover of nature, sports, and physical activity, Frassati strove to live beyond mediocrity, not for the sake of greatness itself or for worldly glory, but as an offering to the Father. I seek his example in times when I feel spiritually or physically inactive, knowing that self-discipline leads to true freedom and excellence gives glory to God.

Engage in one of your spouse’s hobbies.

Though my husband and I initially bonded over shared tastes in books and movies, we also have hobbies we each personally enjoy that the other isn’t as interested in. That makes the times we engage in each others’ individual interests that much more meaningful--my husband loves when I sit down to play a board game with him, for instance, and it means a lot to me when he chooses to join in on a show I’m watching.

What are your own individual hobbies? Consider the activities your spouse enjoys on his or her own, and choose to participate now and then. 

Sacrifice speaks a language: I see you. I value you. Your time and interests are important to me. I give of myself to you. What would you add to this list? Share the ways everyday sacrifices strengthen you and your spouse in love.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Do You Suffer Well Together?

MARIAH MAZA

An audio version of this blog post was featured on our podcast on 11/17/2020.

One of the best bits of marriage advice I received as an engaged woman came in the form of a question: “You both love each other very much, but do you suffer well together?”

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBEY REZ PHOTOGRAPHY

In our first two years of marriage, my husband and I have been handed more crosses than I ever expected. And that’s coming from a woman who walked into marriage expecting my share of suffering--a fruit of my natural temperament. After all, I thought, if our vocation is a large part of what God uses to mold us into saints, part of that refining process will be painful.

But in that time, I have learned about a different kind of pain: that there is nothing more lonely in a marriage than not learning how to suffer well together. As you prepare for marriage with your beloved, do not be afraid to grapple with the question I was once asked.

After a man and woman truly become “one flesh” in the sacrament, they are connected physically, emotionally, and spiritually for the rest of their lives. This supernatural connection bonds you more intimately than any other human relationship on this side of heaven, and it encompasses every part of your new life together, including suffering.

Before marriage, and especially during engagement, many couples walk through difficult seasons. These don’t have to be trials to merely be endured. They can also become a source of redemption and practice for a lifetime of sharing everyday experiences. There is also profound comfort in the knowledge that, after your wedding day, God has reserved generous, specific, and boundless marital graces for you and your spouse to endure “for better or for worse.”

So how can you prepare during engagement to face the crosses of marriage together? An honest discussion is a great start. Take turns asking each other, “when you encounter suffering, how do you respond?”

Maybe your natural response is to talk about your problems, cry, and be held in the embrace of a loved one. Your fiance may say he prefers to distance himself when he’s upset. He would rather think about and process problems alone, and he’s not one to express his negative emotions. Neither of these tendencies are wrong, but in a marriage, different personality traits can clash unexpectedly.

Genuine love means striving to understand your spouse, even (especially) in areas where you are different. These are often the areas that will require the most sacrifice and selflessness. Learning how to allow your differences to complement each other, especially in painful moments, is an ongoing process that is refined over years of marriage. It is something my husband will continue to refine for the rest of our lives. 

And yet, it is possible through the grace of confession and God’s mercy. You’ll learn how to better answer the next important question: “When crosses enter our marriage, how are we going to face them together?”

There is nothing like the feeling of facing a trial as a team, instead of letting it become a source of conflict, isolation, and loneliness. When husbands and wives suffer well together, they grow closer because of the pain, instead of being driven apart. They hold each other in silent but beautiful moments of shared grief, and are a source of comfort to the other.

I will never forget the day my husband and I received particularly bad news. It was the latest in a string of unfortunate events, some we had handled better than others. We sat together on the couch, and I asked, “what are we going to do?” We talked about our fears, honest and vulnerable, and then we held each other. 

We were both afraid of the uncertainties to come, but I found a strength in his arms that almost felt like joy in the midst of grappling with something out of our control. In that moment we faced fear as a team, and I finally began to understand, just a little, what it meant to suffer together.

When my husband and I said our wedding vows, we stood in front of the altar and held a crucifix between us. In that moment, we were a visible symbol of how we were to carry our crosses “until death do us part:” together, with Christ as our binding strength. Apart from the cross, there is no grace to suffer well. United to the cross, our suffering, especially in marriage, becomes something redemptive, refining, and unifying.

In a true miracle of grace, God can bring spouses closer through their crosses, and in the process closer to him. Do not fear the trials that may come in marriage. If you face them together, with courage and prayer, your love for each other can only grow stronger.

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About the Author: Mariah Maza is Spoken Bride’s Features Editor. She is the lead editor for the pro-life non-profit Voices for the Voiceless and one of the journalists behind the Voices Docuseries: West. Read more

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Vendor Week 2020 | Vendors Share: First Steps, Priorities, + Working With Non-Catholic Vendors

As you book your wedding vendors and plan your wedding-day timeline and events, take advantage of your vendors’ expertise! As pros in their respective fields, your vendors are a valuable source of information and assistance with time management. 

We asked Spoken Bride vendors to share their best, tried and true tips for working with your vendors--either Catholic or non-Catholic--from your first days of engagement and on through your wedding day. Here, their responses:

Photography: Mackenzie Baird Photography, c/o Saving the Date Events

What first steps can newly engaged couples take as they look into wedding vendors?

Set clear boundaries. I recommend that everyone involved in planning the wedding--bride, groom, and parents--create a personal list of three priorities for the wedding and three things that are not a big deal. Then, compare. Have a conversation with everyone and create a master priority list. This will help guide your decision-making, as well as your budget. to make decisions. 

Online budget creators are a great tool. Once you have your master priority list, [you’re empowered to] create a budget that reflects your personal priorities, not just industry standards. Together, your priority list and budget will help you narrow down the big selection of vendors. -  Savanna Faulkner, Saving the Date (Wedding Coordination)

 This is quite simple, but so crucial: find a resource that lists potential categories of all the wedding vendors you could possibly need. This will help you to nix the vendors you might not want and then hone your list to those that are non-negotiable. From there, you can play with what’s within your budget for the extra niceties, like a photobooth or décor. -Nia Husk, Prolific Services (NFP Instruction and Fertility Education)

Talk with friends and family who have recently gotten married. For instance, if you are looking for a photographer, ask the couple about their experience, and ask for the link to their entire wedding gallery. With these vendors, as well as others you’re considering, ask yourselves: Do they share my same style + wedding vision in their work? Is creating an authentic relationship with clients a priority for their business? Do they reflect love in their work?

Also, ask your venue if they have a list of preferred vendors whom they enjoy working with; those who take amazing care of their couples and provide a fabulous product. And before booking anyone, meet with them in person first! Make sure you vibe together and that they are a fit both creatively and personality wise. - Michelle and Brandon Horn, Horn Photography & Design

What’s distinctive about what Catholic vendors can offer their clients?

Prayers! As I sew a wedding quilt, I always pray for the recipients-:for peace during their wedding preparations, for grace on their wedding day, and for strength in marriage. I also ask the couple (or the gift-giver!) if there are other intentions they would like me to specifically pray for. - Kathleen Wills Causapin, Handmaid Home (Custom wedding quilts)

Choosing practicing Catholic photographers means you will have photographers who know, understand and value the sacredness of the Mass. They will know when and where they can move in the church for the best photos without ever being seen or disrupting the liturgy. Also, a side perk, is that practicing Catholic vendors tend to know most of the priest and staff in the diocese, as they work with them often and see them at mass. The same holds true for Catholic wedding planners and florists - Michelle and Brandon Horn, Horn Photography & Design

My business is relationship-based (which I love!), and I think most Catholic vendors have a similar business model. When your vendor has a relationship-based business and is someone with similar values to you--and your styles jive on top of that!--I think a deeper amount of trust is built more easily. This trust is important when you're investing with so many different vendors for a very important day! 

 Also, as a Catholic vendor, I pray for my clients during their engagement and during the week of the wedding as I’m designing their wedding flowers. Having extra prayers from those who are helping execute your special day is awesome. - Ashley Krupp, Ashley Eileen Floral Design

I always pray for my couples leading up to their wedding day, and keep them in my intentions long after). It's helpful to have vendors who understand the Mass, and know how to be respectful during the ceremony. All in all, I think catholic vendors can help ease some of the stress, and give you a sense of peace as you prep for the sacrament! - Sarah Wirth, Sarah Wirth Photography

Prayer! Whether the day-of or the months leading up to your wedding, the power of prayer that a fellow Catholic can offer you is awesome. Knowing you can ask for that prayer and share that beautiful aspect with your vendors is so cool! I love being able to tell my Catholic clients I am praying for their relationship from day one. - Lauren Noa, Lauren Emily Photography

Photography: Mackenzie Baird Photography, c/o Saving the Date Events

What are your favorite ways to help couples incorporate their faith into their wedding day?

My favorite way is to encourage a First Prayer prior to the ceremony. This may be back-to-back or a shared Rosary. It is a wonderful moment to add to your day and takes little time to incorporate. - Sinikka Rohrer, Soul Creations Photography

Encouraging couples to provide a beautifully made and thorough Mass program. This is truly an easy opportunity to evangelize non-Catholic guests and encourage everyone to participate in the Mass through song, Liturgy of the Word, and Liturgy of the Eucharist. If you do a Rosary Lasso, washing of the feet for your spouse, blessing of coins, or present flowers to Mary and/or Joseph, you can add these devotions in and explain them in brief. - Nia Husk, Prolific Services (NFP Instruction and Fertility Education)

I love designing the bouquet for Mary that some couples present to her during Mass. I love her, my clients love her, and we all get to honor her on their wedding day with flowers! Oftentimes, I’ll incorporate rosaries or saint medals into a bride's bouquet. I've also had some couples ask for specific flowers tied to their favorite saint, e.g. lilies for St. Joseph and roses for St. Therese. For one of my brides, I was able to use a white rose named after St. John Paul II that I grew from my own garden! If you have a favorite saint, there might be a flower associated with him or her that you can use as a little way to ask for their [intercession]! - Ashley Krupp, Ashley Eileen Floral Design

Our favorite ways to help couples incorporate their faith into their wedding day is to offer times throughout the day that brings in the joy of what we practice as Catholics. For example, inviting couples to provide family religious items for detail shots, a First Prayer or First look right in the church (if allowed by the church), prayer with your bridal party, going to confession right before the Mass if your priest is available, and encouraging our couples to pray together during portraits.- Michelle and Brandon Horn, Horn Photography & Design

I recommend choosing something special related to your faith from your dating days and bringing to the wedding day.  I walked down the aisle with a pair of rosaries my now-husband gifted me while on a trip to Bosnia. I used that rosary every day to pray for our relationship.  After getting engaged, we chose St Padre Pio as our patron to guide us in our marriage. I also find it so special to buy, borrow or receive a piece of jewelry that depicts the Catholic faith, [as gifts between you and your spouse or with your bridal party].   

If there is an opportunity, I recommend that the bride and groom pray before the Tabernacle prior to the processional. In their prayer, they can offer that day up for the sanctity of marriages throughout the world and ask for all Holy Angels and Saints, including their patron saint,  to intercede for their marriage and all married couples always, who entered or will enter into the mystery of this sacrament. - Siggy Evertz, Bebeati Jewelry

How can couples respectfully educate non-Catholic vendors on the religious aspects of the wedding day?

If you choose a non-Catholic photographer, be sure to educate them on the order of the Mass. Often, I'll hear other photographers say that they think of Catholic Masses as being really long without much going on. They stop shooting because, to them, it's redundant. Or they might stay in one spot out of fear that they'll break the church's rules about where a photographer is allowed--some churches are really strict about photographers moving about, but most just want to make sure the photographer is respectful, won't be distracting, and will stay off the altar.  

If it's important to have the Mass documented, you'll need to explain these restrictions and allowances in detail. You might even ask the parish wedding coordinator to help take your photographer around at the rehearsal and identify a safe spot to shoot and where they should be for certain aspects of the ceremony. This can be a lot of information for a non-Catholic to absorb, so I'd suggest they go to the rehearsal and take notes on the program as a cheatsheet. - Claire Watson, Claire Watson Photography

If you are not working with a Catholic photographer, it is important that they know how long your wedding Mass will be and what it means to you as a couple. Assign a friend who knows his or her faith and way around a church and Mass to meet your photographer at the church so they can answer any questions your photographer may have regarding the Mass and what will take place. A non-catholic photographer might not know terms like sanctuary, kneelers, or sacristan. They may not know the order of the Mass, the importance of the consecration, or when you will be able to share your first kiss. Helping them know ahead of time will help your photographer capture the best photos possible.

And the biggest tip: this is your day to soak in all the sacrament of marriage has to offer. Feel the freedom to share your faith with all your vendors! Let them truly know what this day means for you. - Michelle and Brandon Horn, Horn Photography & Design

Vendor Week 2020 | A Photographer's Tips for a Sacred, Memorable "First Prayer" Before Your Ceremony

SINIKKA ROHRER

Your wedding photographer is there to help you discern and plan a First Look before your wedding ceremony begins. A First Look, in addition to offering you and your spouse a moment of personal joy and quiet, makes it possible to get many portrait photos out of the way prior to guests arriving and minimizes the time guests are waiting for the reception to begin. As you plan your timeline with your photographer, talk together about whether you'd like to do a First Look and if you’d like to bring in an element of prayer.

Photography: Soul Creations Photograhpy, seen in Amy + Jay | Fort Harrison Wedding

Whether as a supplement to or substitute for a First Look, I highly recommend considering a First Prayer—not just for photos, but also for a phenomenal, precious moment that you and your beloved can hold on to tenderly before the day begins. 

Will you and your beloved have a First Look? Read more about considerations for making the decision.

As you and your beloved stand back to back, it not only gives your photographer time for additional images, but allows for a sacred, silent moment of alone time—something couples tend not to have much of throughout their day.

Here, 3 steps toward making your moment together sacred and special:

Stand back-to-back

One of my couples, Becca and Brian, wanted to have their First Prayer in the chapel, under the cross of Christ, on their wedding morning. Before we led Becca to her place, Brian had already been positioned, with his body faced away from the door as he stood beneath the cross of the One who loves him so deeply. 

After Brian was prepared, my team led Becca to her place as well, knowing in moments she would be in contact with her groom. Even though she wasn’t able to see him, they were right where they wanted to be: next to each other.

Hold hands

My husband and I chose a First Prayer ourselves for the morning of our wedding. We each brought a card for one another to read, and after doing so, we held hands for what seems like the longest moment of the day. Holding his hand helped me feel connected, united, and secure. He wasn’t going anywhere, and I wasn’t either. We hung on for what seemed an eternity. 

My clients Amanda and Craig held hands, as well, around the large, wooden door that would open again later when Amanda stepped down the aisle for her bridegroom to behold her. 

See Amanda + Craig’s First Prayer and their Classic Ballroom Wedding in Indianapolis

In this moment, Amanda squeezed Craig’s hand tight and let tears slide down her face. She was with her beloved, and no matter what difficulties had come that morning, she was reminded of their sacred bond, their journey to this day, and their unconditional love. 

Pray. 

As each of these men stood waiting to hear the voice of their brides, I placed my own hand on their shoulders and prayed: that they let Christ lead their marriage and lean on his shoulder as their family leans on them. I prayed they see Christ when they see their brides, knowing the love of these women perfectly reflects the heart of God. 

And as these brides, Becca and Amanda, stood anxious to approach their beloveds, I took their hands and prayed, as well: that they lean close to Christ’s chest just as they lean on their spouses’. That they support and walk closely with God, becoming more and more like him, and that they see Christ when they see their groom, knowing his love perfectly reflects the heart of God.

As they stood back to back, hands joined on opposite sides of the door, they prayed. Some of my couples choose to say a Hail Mary, some a Rosary or Chaplet, and some choose spontaneous prayer.

I encourage you to consider including a First Prayer in your timeline! Those moments that you have together are beautiful and will be captured for your album, but the sacred bond that you will feel is even more incredible. 

Take these moments to unite your heart with the sacrament about to take place. I wish you all the best on your engagement journey! 

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About the Author: Sinikka Rohrer is a Christian wedding photographer and Spoken Bride vendor on mission to encourage brides with practical and spiritual encouragement on the way to the aisle. She is a lover of all things healthy, early morning spiritual reads, and anything outdoors.

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