Liturgical Living for Catholic Couples

ANDI COMPTON

Growing up, I never saw the seasons of the Church outside of the Mass. The priest changed colors occasionally, the Church was beyond crowded on Christmas and Easter, and every year Ordinary time seemed to go on forever. As a young adult, I was fascinated to learn about the different ways saints are venerated and celebrated throughout the world. I soon discovered liturgical living. 

The concept of Liturgical Living is simple: make the seasons of the Church come alive in your domestic church.

PHOTOGRAPHY: SARAH ASCANIO PHOTOGRAPHY, SEEN IN NATASHA + TIM | NEW YEAR’S WINTER WATERCOLOR WEDDING

Over the past twelve years, my husband and I have tried many different traditions and celebrations in our marriage, in our home, and with our children; I share some of our favorites of the Liturgical seasons below:

Ordinary time

Decorate the home with greenery in a vase on the mantle, on the table, or in the windows. Some years we hang a wreath of greenery on our doorway as well.

Celebrate the saints’ feast days. Our go-to celebration includes reading a short blurb about the saint or feast day during dinner, and either cooking a dish from the saint’s home country, where they are regionally celebrated, or creating a dessert and trying to tie it in (ie., angel food cake for Guardian Angels). Some great saints to celebrate are St. Francis de Sales, St. John Bosco, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Agatha, Sacred Heart of Jesus, Corpus Christi, Immaculate Heart of Mary, St. Benedict, Sts. Peter and Paul, St. Kateri Tekakwitha, St. Dominic, The Transfiguration, St. Lawrence, St. Maximillian Kolbe, The Assumption, The Coronation of Mary, St. Monica, St. Augustine, St. Teresa of Kolkuta, St. Therese, Guardian Angels, Our Lady of the Rosary, St. Luke, and St. Cecilia. 

Advent

During our first married Advent, we hosted a Church New Year Party. I decorated with purple and pink and made the atmosphere festive. Unfortunately I fell asleep during the party because I was pregnant--true story. I wish I could tell you if the guests enjoyed it!

Wait to put up Christmas decorations. We set up our tree when advent begins and use it as a Jesse tree. Each night we read one or two Bible stories to journey through salvation history from Adam to Jesus. We begin to turn on the tree’s lights on St. Lucy’s Day (December 13), and we put the ornaments up on the 24th. Some years we also wind purple and pink ribbons on the tree.

I created an 8x10 Advent printable that hangs in a frame on our front door until the 24th when it gets swapped for a Christmas wreath.

Celebrate Our Lady of Guadalupe. Some areas will have mananita Mass, but if you can’t find one nearby, you can celebrate the day with a trip to visit a parish with an Our Lady of Guadalupe image and indulge in your favorite Mexican food.

Purchase an Advent wreath and a set of candles. Every night before dinner prayers we shut off the kitchen lights and light the candles while singing “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” and then say prayers. 

Place a nativity in your home. There are so many beautiful options of nativity scenes! I know friends who collect nativities wherever they travel; others have the Fontanini collection and add a piece every year.

Christmas

Go to Mass. We usually go to Mass on Christmas morning and open presents afterwards while eating waffles made with the recipe my husband’s grandfather made for them. 

Celebrate the octave of Christmas as the solemnity it is: eight days of feasting! We try to do an outing each day and let the kids (and ourselves) eat dessert every night.

Have a 12th night party for Epiphany. Celebrate Epiphany with gifts. Many cultures celebrate Los Reyes Magos and children receive presents on January 6th instead of Christmas Day. We leave our shoes out the night before and the Wise men leave us oranges, chocolate coins, and sometimes small toys.

Be really bold and leave up some decorations until February 2 for the Baptism of Our Lord. 

Lent

Prepare for Ash Wednesday. Before Ash Wednesday Mass, pray and talk about what penances and prayers you’d like to do together and separately. Also consider ways you could serve and give of your time to help the poor in your community. 

Attend Stations of the Cross at your local parish. Many even have a meatless supper afterwards to help build community.

Celebrate Passiontide, the week before Palm Sunday, by covering up all the holy images and items in your home with purple cloth. This has actually become my favorite Lenten tradition. Our home feels so different, so tomblike, without the faces of Jesus, Mary, and the saints watching over us.

Easter

Feast for 50 days. I’m not joking, eat dessert as much as you can. We begin with waffles after Mass, and all throughout Easter our kids get to eat the candy from our big neighborhood egg hunt.

Celebrate Divine Mercy Sunday. Say a chaplet with friends and family, then indulge in Divine Mercy Sundaes! We serve vanilla ice cream with two “rays” of whipped cream topped with red and blue sprinkles.

Celebrate the Ascension and Pentecost by saying the mysteries of the Rosary for those feast days and plan a special meal. 

Celebrate the Crowning of Mary. Often times May, the month of Mary, falls within the Easter season. If you have a special statue of her inside or outside of your home, crown her! There isn’t a wrong or right way to do this. You can say prayers, sing Marian hymns, and buy or make her a little crown of springtime blooms. Keep her company this month with lots of rosaries!

The quickest way to begin new liturgical living traditions is to incorporate green, white, purple, rose, and red tablecloths as a visual reminder of the significant day or season. It’s an easy change that makes a big impact in any space. If you’re able to buy or paint an “It’s your special day” plate, it can be used for birthdays, feast days, and to celebrate the anniversary of someone’s sacraments.

What is your favorite way to celebrate the different seasons of the Church? Share your reflections with our community on Facebook or Instagram.

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About the Author: Andi is the Business Director for Spoken Bride, combining years of professional event coordination with a passion for helping couples truly enter into the sacrament of marriage. She has been married to her Beloved for 12 years and they have 5 children from toddler to tween.

How to Support Engaged or Newly Married Catholic Couples

CLARA DAVISON

People are created for community. For many engaged and newly married Catholic couples, community includes others in a similar stage of life. 

Over the last year-and-a-half since getting married, my husband and I have attended six weddings--and have many more on the calendar for the coming year! Suffice to say, wedding planning and marriage conversations are an ever-present aspect of our lives and the lives of those around us. 

As friends have approached us for advice as they prepare for their wedding day, my husband and I have discovered a new depth to our marriage. Through many conversations, both separate and together, we have enjoyed sharing and supporting others in their journey toward a Catholic marriage. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: EMMA DALLMAN PHOTOGRAPHY

Whether you are single, engaged, or married, we summarize four ways you can support other Catholic couples during their engagement and through their first year of marriage: 

Let the couple know you are praying for them—and pray for them

Continually reassure a couple of your prayers during their engagement and leading up to their wedding. This is an exciting yet stressful time in their lives and the assurance that they have friends continually lifting them up in prayer is so important. 

Whether it is praying a novena leading up to their wedding day, offering a special prayer on their monthly anniversary, or just saying a quick Hail Mary when you think of them, prayer is always an important way we can offer support to our couple friends. 

Ask about the less “exciting” and more serious aspects of wedding prep

Weddings are an exciting time and many people will ask about details  like dress shopping and gift registry ideas. But the more serious and important aspects of wedding preparation, such as pre-Cana, do not always receive the inquiry and reflection they deserve. 

Often, Pre-Cana classes and premarital counseling can be stressful for a couple as the magnitude of “to have and to hold ‘til death do us part” becomes a reality rather than a cute wedding tagline. During our engagement, it was difficult to find someone to talk to as I processed the more serious aspects of our wedding and marriage. 

Create space for your engaged friends to discuss the serious parts of preparing for marriage. Ask thoughtful questions to help draw the couple into meaningful conversations beyond just weddings flowers and bridesmaids’ dresses.  

Look for ways to serve the couple during the wedding day

Everyone loves weddings! It is a joy to see people you care about take this big step together; and really, who doesn’t love an excuse to dress up and gather with family and friends? But in the midst of the joyful celebrations, it can be  easy to forget that the couple can feel they just ran an emotional marathon. 

Leading up to my wedding, I was told jokingly that I wouldn’t get a chance to eat at my reception. To my surprise, I found this was the reality as I visited with guests. With this memory in mind, I always try to approach the bride and groom a few times throughout the day with offers of food, water, and an offer to run errands or fetch forgotten changes of shoes! 

Continue to reach out through the first year of marriage

After the wedding day, the marriage is only beginning. The wedding day is filled with family and friends offering love and support, but sometimes it is easy to forget that the couple needs support throughout their marriage. 

I try to reach out and offer support to newlywed couples throughout the first year of marriage, inviting them into conversations about the  ups and downs of early married life. Transitioning into married life is different for every couple, but regardless, support and love from friends is always appreciated.  

There are so many ways to support the couples around you in their engagement and first year of marriage! The primary focus is to simply be available and intentional in your relationships. 

What are some ways you have received or shown support to engaged couples or newlyweds? Share your experience with our community on Facebook or Instagram.

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About the Author: Clara Davison has worked as a whitewater raft guide, sex trafficking researcher, U.K. Parliament researcher, swim coach, and freelance writer. She currently works in Brand Management and lives with her husband in North Carolina.   

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3 Money-Management Practices That Can Strengthen Your Relationship

Are you and your beloved communicating about money for the first time? 

As you enter into engagement or newlywed life, there’s a new weight to your purchases and habits, with the knowledge that they’ll impact not just you, but your spouse. Managing your daily, weekly, and monthly finances highlights each of your individual temperaments, strengths, weaknesses, and formation from your families of origin. 

Just getting started on your wedding budget? Read our coordinator-approved first steps here.

As these aspects of who you are are more clearly revealed, budgeting and financial matters can actually become a source of growth for your relationship. Good money habits can also be good relationship habits; principles that apply to money management can also apply to improving your communication, honesty, and intimacy.

Here, for the newly engaged and the recently married, three ways healthy money habits can foster a healthy relationship.

The money matter: Considering joint accounts

The benefit to your relationship: Accountability

A Severe Mercy is a memoir recounting one couple’s courtship, marriage, and conversion to Christianity. As the author and his future wife fall in love, they vow never to keep secrets between them, calling hidden thoughts and actions “creeping separateness.” 

Whatever your income, debt, and spending tendencies as a single person—barring serious issues or destructive spending habits—merging your bank account with your spouse’s after your wedding encourages accountability, vulnerability, and a tangible shift in perspective from “mine” to “ours.” Particularly in relationships where one of you tends toward saving and the other toward spending, joint bank accounts can encourage transparency and honesty between you.

Read 4 ways to minimize fights about money.

The money matter: Identifying your priorities.

The benefit to your relationship: Intentionality and hope

Dreaming together is fun. Do you have a house in mind? A special vacation? Even hopes for weekly takeout and movie nights? Taking a moment to list each of your top 3-5 saving and spending priorities in your budget—in both the near and distant future—grants clarity, deeper understanding, and a sense of purpose with your financial goals that you can take on as a team. Knowing what you’re saving for and anticipating can help you both be intentional with your spending and investing.

Categories you might consider prioritizing are travel, education, tithing, dates, hospitality and entertaining, and gifts for each other.

The money matter: Frugality when necessary

The benefit to your relationship: Hearts of sacrifice

If money is tight—or even if it isn’t—considering your spouse each time you make a purchase or payment communicates respect--particularly if you have significantly different spending habits. 

In times you’re tempted to ignore your budget, consider ways to put your finances at the service of your spouse--rather than spending on a temporary or unnecessary item just for yourself, for instance, consider putting it toward a date night or mutual long-term goal, instead. 

The dollars really do add up! Keeping each other in mind, even with small shopping trips isn’t weak, fear-based, or passive; it’s a simple, near-daily way to build habits of sacrifice and looking outside of yourself, towards another: the one you love.

We love walking and growing alongside you in the vocation to marriage. Share the money-related habits you and your beloved have found most helpful in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media.

Newlywed Life | Defining Your Identity as a Wife

STEPHANIE FRIES

The human person has a natural desire to define their identity in order to know themselves; for as we come to know ourselves, we come to know God who created us. In this process, it can be difficult to differentiate between “who am I?” and “what do I do?”

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURENTINA PHOTOGRAPHY + VIDEO

For example, claiming an identity through a professional vocation may sound like “I am a nurse.” Straight away, this sounds like an answer of who I am! The language is straightforward and consistent with the question. With second thought, however, this sentence holds greater claim to what I do--it defines an occupation more than it defines a person’s being. 

Take the same thought into the ways we identify as a wife. “I am a wife.” This statement is a true and valid identification for many women. Often more personal than a professional vocation, this definition more closely defines who I am because it intuits how God has called woman to a lifelong and all-encompassing relationship to love and be loved. 

What qualities define one’s identity as a wife? By digging a little deeper into this role to answer the question, “Who am I?,” we may uncover a beautiful revelation of our identity as designed and intended by God the Father. 

When my husband was traveling for months at a time this past year, I wrestled with my identity as a wife and recognized this part of my identity was defined by the roles I fulfill in our marriage, in our relationships with others, and in the duties of our home. 

In fact, it seemed my identity as a wife was void without his presence and the opportunities to serve him in tangible ways. I realized my confidence and self-efficacy was the byproduct of productivity and action. Perhaps Satan was trying to strip me of all confidence and joy in our first year of marriage (and I was close to falling in that trap), but God’s grace slowly led me away from isolation and despair. 

Beyond the literal ways we show up and fulfill the wife role and responsibilities--by bringing home a paycheck, wiping babies’ hands, or keeping a home--how does God desire to define our identity through the Vocation as wife? 

In his “Letter to Women,” Saint John Paul II makes a personal address to wives when he says, “Thank you, women who are wives! You irrevocably join your future to that of your husbands, in a relationship of mutual giving, at the service of love and life.” 

What do you give your husband at the service of love and life? 

I invite you to pause and answer this question, noting your initial response. 

My impulse jumps to the tangible acts of kindness and service: I give my husband dinner every night when he is home, I share my body and heart with him in marital intimacy, I have offered up my career in order to partner together and pursue his. This is where I pause, with caution, for there is more. 

God calls husbands and wives into a mysterious, life-giving union. Fulton Sheen says, “existence is worth,” and I believe this simple statement begins to answer the questions of identity in Vocation. 

Living into a spousal union in the image of God is more about existence than it is about productivity. When a wife joins to her husband for the duration of her life on Earth, she is fulfilling her role. It is that simple. Her whole-hearted living presence is the foundation of her identity as a wife.

The gift of self is not always a measurable action. Being a gift of self is being alive, existing, renewing the “yes” we claim in the marriage vows. Being a gift of self and fulfilling the vocation as a wife is the combined offering of everything you are, in who God created you, and everything you do “at the service of life and love.” 

The same is true for Jesus in his spousal presence to his bride, the Church. He concurrently exists in the presence of the Eucharist, and continually offers himself to us through the tangible Eucharistic sharing of his body, blood, soul, and divinity. 

What you do is absolutely a part of who you are; but what you do is not the foundation of your identity. Regardless of your occupation, Vocation, or any other roles you may fill in a day, you were created by God as beautiful, worthy, and whole in your existence alone. Uncovering the mysterious identity as a wife reveals an even deeper affirmation of your beauty, worth, and wholeness through your sheer existence in your marriage.

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Create Joyful Reminders of Your Wedding Day

Husbands and wives navigating the waters of newlywed life: keep daily reminders of your wedding day close by.

During engagement, it’s not hard to have daily reminders that your wedding is growing closer and closer. Countles vendor appointments, marriage prep classes, DIY decorations, and guest lists can become overwhelming. During this season, many brides have so many reminders of their wedding and impending married life that they long for a mental break. But this chaotic season, even if you have a long engagement, is in the long-term so short-lived.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MADELEINE DEIGHAN PHOTOGRAPHY

After the wedding is over, the guests have gone home, and you’ve spent a romantic honeymoon with your beloved, life goes back to “normal.” More accurately, your new normal. There’s no more dress fittings to fit into your schedule or bridal showers to plan. The glitter, excitement, and celebration of your wedding day is now a beautiful moment in your history, but the graces and joy of that day don’t have to fade into the past.

The supernatural joy God showers on his children on their wedding day is not a joy contained to those 24 hours. It is meant to overflow into the everyday-ness of newlywed life and then lifelong marriage. As imperfect human beings, however, we are quick to forget the graces and wonder of the most important moments of our lives.

Even moments like saying your marriage vows, when you first enter into the sacrament which finds its meaning in Christ. It is a sacrament full of graces and the potential to form you and your spouse into saints. It will become the foundation of your family and your strength in difficult trials. Something this profound is a cause for daily joy and celebration, and yet so often we hear the stereotype of the monotony of married life. What if after many years with your spouse, the joy and graces of your wedding day seem to have faded into the past?

It’s no different with our Catholic faith. We are quick to forget our complete dependence on God, to get distracted by innumerable material worries, and to feel the “monotony” of our prayer life or relationship with the Lord. But like a good Father who knows the weaknesses and needs of his children, God has given us a very physical Church, with the Eucharist, confessionals, sacramentals, crucifixes, incense, sacred art, and the priesthood, to name a few things. Encountering the physical aspects of our faith everyday plays a huge part in drawing us closer to the Lord and reorienting us back towards his grace--even if we don’t realize it. Little reminders of God’s presence keep us present to him. 

In the same way, little reminders of your wedding can keep you more present to your spouse and the marriage you’re building together. Like the physical mementos of our faith you keep present, create mementos of the joyful day your one-flesh union began, because your sacramental marriage is the beating heart of your home.

Related: Read contributor Hannah’s reflection on why she calls to mind her wedding day often, even after her and her husband’s first child.

Revisit your wedding photos. Because one of the most powerful reminders of your wedding day is the ability to look on those beautiful moments all over again...and again. Take some time to sit with your spouse and flip through your wedding photos on a laptop or in a scrapbook you keep out on the coffee table. Hang your favorite images in frames on your walls where you’re most likely to notice them. 

If you had a special rosary wrapped around your bouquet, make that the rosary you and your spouse use to pray together. Play music or hymns you chose for your nuptial Mass or first dance. Preserve your wedding bouquet in a shadowbox you can display in a place of honor. In some way, make your wedding a part of your home, one that you’ll see or use everyday.

God wants you to experience that joy over and over again, and to use that joy as a channel for grace and protection against anything that would wear away at your marriage. 

Your wedding is the beginning of a sacrament meant to live on throughout your life and as a reminder of the next, when we celebrate the eternal wedding feast of the Lamb.

How to Decide Whose Family to Visit for the Holidays

The holidays are just around the corner, so if you haven’t solidified your plans for the occasions now is the time to do so.

Deciding where to spend the holidays can surprisingly cause tension or conflict between newly married or newly engaged couples, especially if their families live far away.

But it doesn’t have to.

Pray about it

Every couple has an idea of what their perfect holiday with their new family would look like. Take your desires to Jesus and ask Him to show you how He wants you and your husband to make the most of the holidays. 

Ask Him to help you not get wrapped up in the material elements of the holidays but to always keep the true significance of the holidays alive in your hearts. 

Traveling long distances for the holidays often requires some sacrifices, so pray also for the grace to handle it well and approach the holidays with a spirit of peace and joy regardless of how you choose to spend them. 

Discuss priorities

Each person enters the marriage with unique holiday traditions that are near to their heart. It’s very difficult (if impossible) for married couples to experience the holidays with their family in the same way they did before they said “I do.”

You and your significant other should discuss your hopes and desires for the holidays and determine your family’s priorities, before talking to either family. 

You will want to be united with your spouse before approaching your parents and in-laws. 

Take into consideration the time you will have off work and your financial situation and determine realistic goals for the season. 

Communicate with your family

Obviously, you will have to communicate your plans to your families. But don’t just call them and tell them what you decided you were going to do. Consider involving them in the conversation. 

Give your family the space to feel heard and their wishes respected. If your parents experienced a similar dilemma as newlyweds ask them how they handled it. 

You might not be able to please everybody and that’s okay. But discussing with them the rationale in your decision and (reasonably) taking their wishes into account can help ease some of the disappointment.

Continue the conversation

You don’t have to have every holiday for the rest of your marriage figured out in the first year. The conversation may be worth revisiting and revising.

Some couples decide to alternate holidays each year, while others may decide to stick to the original plan year after year. 

Either way, allowing for flexibility and change can help prevent bitterness from building up over time and allows couples to stay united and joyful during these special times. 

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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The Integrated Journey | Men and Women Reveal Each Other's Beauty

STEPHANIE FRIES

Men and women are created equal but different. Both share an equality of dignity, yet possess unique qualities apart from the other. Through the lens of the married vocation, men and women are invited on a journey to integrate their complementary masculine and feminine qualities in order to help each other grow in purity and perfection. 

Previously published reflections on the feminine and masculine genius establish some of the qualities born into the hearts and souls of men and women. Expanding on these qualities by looking at their complementarity will help us understand how men and women are called to use their inherent gifts to love and serve the other.

PHOTOGRAPHY: RED FERN PHOTOGRAPHY

As we relate our own being to Adam and Eve, through the creation story in the Garden of Eden, we recall how Adam was created from the external world while Eve originated from man’s innermost being. These different origins yield different natures for men and women; man is attuned to the external and woman is attuned to the internal. 

This reality takes shape in many different dynamics of the human person and human relationship. By taking a closer look at how men and women are invited on a journey of integration pursuing holiness together, we focus on a specific function of this mystery of complementarity: 

Through his origin in and attention toward the external, man shows woman the beauty he sees of her body. Through her origin in and attention toward the internal, woman shows man the beauty she sees of his heart. 

Men and women often differ in their attractions and affections. (And, consequently, men and women often differ in their greatest temptations to sin.) These differences are not meant to stand against each other in conflict; rather, these differences are the design of God for man and woman to unite and grow through authentic love.  

Through the sacrament of marriage, men and women are invited to enter into vulnerability and intimacy to see the depth of their spouse and to be seen by their spouse. The more we are seen, known, and loved—the more we are called beautiful in our spiritual and physical nakedness—the greater our capacity to love and be loved. 

In his presentations of the Theology of the Body, Saint John Paul II speaks in depth about attraction, love, lust, beauty, wonder and mystery. He echoes the romantic poetry of the Song of Songs as he recognizes and affirms that the human person is attracted to beauty. In support of the complementary role of man and woman as they reveal beauty through their complementary union, Saint John Paul II writes,

“It is possible that the bridegroom...expresses more directly the beauty of the bride… with the eyes of the body; The bride by contrast looks rather with the eyes of the heart through her affection.”

Even more, we may more clearly understand how men and women are called to help each other grow in love by acknowledging patterns of brokenness, fear and sin in our world.

Where women struggle with self-image or eating disorders, men have the God-given strength to see woman’s authentic beauty, love her in her weakness, and help her grow in virtue. Where men may act in violence out of a fear of being too emotional or too sensitive, women have the God-given strength to see man’s authentic beauty, love him in his weakness, and help him grow in virtue. 

We find the answers for growth, healing, and love through Jesus, the new Adam, and Mary, the new Eve. They model perfect unity of body and soul, the masculine and feminine, man and woman. They show us the perfect integration we are destined to in heaven.

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Remember Your Vows | Daily Strength for Difficult Moments

MARIAH MAZA

If anyone asks me how to deal with conflict or trials in marriage, I will tell them two things: go to your room, get on your knees, and pray that God would shower you and your husband with the graces of the sacrament. And second, remember your vows.

PHOTOGRAPHY: JULIANA TOMLINSON PHOTOGRAPHY

In times when I am upset with my husband, when life’s unexpected crosses hit us, or when I don’t want to sacrifice in little ways for him, I find the most strength when I remember the vows I spoke on my wedding day: 

“I take you for my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”

These were the words I spoke in the presence of almost two hundred witnesses, in front of the tabernacle and in the true Presence of God. My husband and I had invited friends and family to our wedding to celebrate our sacramental union, but they were also gathered for another very important, often-overlooked reason. 

Our guests were there to witness our free consent to enter into marriage with each other, “until death do us part.” The Catechism tells us “the consent must be an act of the will of each of the contracting parties, free of coercion or grave external fear,” and that “the public character of the consent protects the "I do" once given and helps the spouses remain faithful to it” (CCC 1628, 1631).

And so, in difficult moments, I try to remember that moment in front of the altar, holding my husband’s hand, vowing the rest of my life to him “for better or for worse.” I try to remember that our union is now an example of faithful, sacramental love to my family and friends. 

What matters most isn’t that they never see us go through hard times, but that they see us remain faithful to God and to each other in the hardest times. What matters is that they see us live out not only half of our vows, but every part of them.

Psalm 116 reflects this when the psalmist writes “I will pay my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people” (Psalm 116:18). And when he says in Psalm 61 “I will duly sing to your name forever, fulfill my vows day after day” (Psalm 61:9).

The vows you make on your wedding day are lifelong words, overflowing with graces for every mountain and valley you and your spouse will walk through. They have given me strength when I’ve felt incredibly weak and have provided me with powerful accountability. And in the short time I’ve been married to my wonderful husband, I have found them to be an incredible comfort instead of a source of overwhelming fear--after all, who knows what crosses your vows may bind you to endure together? 

A daily reminder of your vows, like daily rhythms of prayer that remind us of God’s presence and love, will help lay a strong foundation in your marriage. Consider printing them out and framing them on the wall in your bedroom, so you and your beloved can see them everyday. Commit to repeating your vows to each other in the morning before your routine begins, or on special occasions like your anniversary or favorite feast days. Strive to memorize them, like you would the Hail Mary or Our Father, so that in moments of distress you can easily and quickly recall them to mind.

And finally, ask the Lord to give you and your husband the grace and courage to remain faithful to your vows, so you may be a public witness to the truth, beauty, and goodness of Catholic marriage. Christ is no stranger to the sacrifice of remaining faithful to his Bride, and we need only to look up at a crucifix to remember the depth of love and faithfulness we have been shown.

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About the Author: Mariah Maza is Spoken Bride’s Features Editor. She is the co-founder of Joans in the Desert, a blog for bookish and creative Catholic women. Read more

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Avoiding the "Four Horsemen" in Marriage

CARISSA PLUTA

In Dr. John Gottman’s research of marriages, he found four major problems between couples that often end up being the most destructive in a relationship. He called them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

PHOTOGRAPHY: EMMA DALLMAN PHOTOGRAPHY

If you’ve noticed any (or all of) these things in your marriage, don’t panic. It does not mean that you are inevitably heading for a divorce. 

However, if they continue they could cause a lot of tension and pain between you and your spouse in the long-term. 

Learning to recognize these negative or harmful behaviors can help you learn to counteract them and communicate more effectively. 

Criticism

Criticism is usually one of the more common mistakes couples make in confronting a problem and usually includes phrases like “You always” or “you never.” 

When you criticize your spouse, you make an attack on their character by implying (or implicitly saying) that something is wrong with them, which usually leads to your partner acting defensive. 

However, it is important to voice your concerns and complaints in a relationship. Instead of focusing on what your spouse did wrong, try using “I” statements and express a positive need. 

You may also want to pray for the virtue of patience in order to approach difficulties and disagreements with more understanding.

Contempt 

Contempt is a more serious form of criticism, and aims at making the other person feel small and worthless. 

Acts of contempt, like mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling, and sneering, wear down a couples’ fondness for one another.

If you find yourself focusing often on the negative aspects of your spouse, you may build up these negatives in your mind over time fueling contempt. So to combat this horseman, practice gratitude everyday and learn how to sincerely affirm your partner.

You may also want to take some time to pray with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 or consult a priest or counselor. 

Defensiveness

When someone perceives an attack, he or she may respond with an attempt to defend themselves by making excuses or reversing the blame. 

Not only will trying to shift the blame exacerbate the problem at hand, it will also communicate to your husband that you aren’t listening to him or taking his concerns seriously.  

So to avoid defensiveness, practice humility and active listening with your spouse. Take responsibility for your actions when appropriate, and learn to make a sincere apology.

Related: How to actively listen to your spouse

Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when a listener withdraws--physically or emotionally-- from the conversation. 

It can result when one partner feels overwhelmed by the other three horsemen and it can make the other person feel rejected or abandoned.

Feeling overwhelmed during an argument or heated discussion can be a normal response and it is totally okay to take a quick time-out to collect your thoughts and to take a few deep breaths.

However, to avoid stonewalling, you must communicate your need for this to your husband. Make it clear that you aren’t rejecting him, but that you need that time to ultimately help solve the problem. 

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Newlywed Life | Sharing a Meal is a Sharing of Who You Are.

Rejoicing over her engagement and the anticipation of married life, Saint Gianna Molla wrote in a letter to her husband-to-be, “With the help and blessing of God, we shall do all in our power that our new family may be a little cenacle where Jesus may reign over all affections, desires and actions.”

What is a cenacle? In Latin, the root translates to “Upper Room,” and in Greek, to the name for the first Christian Church. It follows, then, that Gianna hoped she and her beloved Pietro could create a domestic church centered on divine love. 

Consider, too, the Last Supper. The site of Jesus’s final meal with his disciples, wherein he instituted the Eucharist and granted them the instruction to do the same, is known in the Holy Land as the Upper Room or Cenacle.

Read more on creating a sense of peace and routine in your home life.

The disciples did not remain in the upper room; they were sent forth. There is something powerful and profound about breaking bread and then going out into the world, fortified. Though Jesus’s disciples became the first priests, those of us called to married life can embody these same principles of sharing a meal and sending forth, by cultivating hospitality.

The Catholic faith is a sensory one, whose source and summit is the very body and blood of Christ. It is a faith filled with beautiful settings, art, poetry, music, incense, and more; all called to draw our minds and hearts heavenward to the Father--the source of all beauty. When we experience a desire to create a comfortable, beautiful home for ourselves and our guests or to assemble an attractive and delicious meal, we partake in that desire for beauty that inspires and heightens our senses.

Combining food and faith can be Eucharistic--literally, thanksgiving. Read our interview with Emily Stimpson Chapman, author of The Catholic Table.

What’s more, a desire to share and communicate this beauty with others is a natural outpouring of marriage. Authentic love naturally leads to fruitfulness; a desire to exist beyond the spouses. 

This is seen in an obvious way through the gift of children, but also through the gift of hospitality and invitation. Saint John Paul II wrote in Familiaris Consortio, his apostolic exhortation on the family’s role in the world--in the world, not as an island--that “the family has the mission to guard, reveal and communicate love, and this is a living reflection of and a real sharing in God's love for humanity and the love of Christ the Lord for the Church his bride.”  

Inviting friends and family members into your home life for a meal and conversation is intimate and revealing for this very reason; sharing of yourselves at the service of others opens a door and encourages true communion. It feels like no coincidence that in a breaking of bread, there is also a breaking down of walls. 

It’s okay not to have a picture-perfect home. Read more on the home as a place of transition.

If, then, you and your spouse find yourselves eager to foster community and invite others into your domestic church, your cenacle, do it! The fruits of hosting and preparing a meal for guests can communicate something far deeper: a sharing of yourselves.

Any guests or dinner parties on your calendar this month? Cookbook recommendations from the Spoken Bride team:

Paleo Comfort Foods by Julie and Charles Mayfield, recommended by Jiza Zito, Co-Founder & Creative Director

Against All Grain by Danielle Walker, recommended by Mary Wilmot, Social Media Manager

The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook by Deb Perelman, recommended by Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

Dining In by Alison Roman, recommended by Stephanie Calis, Co-Founder & Editor in Chief

Editors Share | Strategies for Gift-Giving

Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and acts of love; store-bought, homemade, experiential and meaningful—there are so many opportunities and strategies surrounding gift-giving. What traditions do you and your spouse have in giving and receiving gifts?

With the holiday season around the corner, the Spoken Bride team reflects on different approaches they have used for reciprocal gift-giving with their spouse and family. We hope our reflections affirm there is no right or wrong way to offer an act of love.

We would love to hear your approach to gifting! Share your personal reflections with our community on Facebook and Instagram.

Andi Compton, Business Manager

We don’t really have any traditions for gift giving, it usually depends on the budget and what we need. In the early years we had a strict budget for $50 per gift (for each other), but now we just have one big gift budget for us, the kids, and family that we play around with. For birthdays we tend to do outings, using Groupon whenever possible. Matt got me a nighttime kayaking trip to watch the fireworks in the harbor for my birthday and it was a lot of fun. We ended up doing a big family trip for our 10th anniversary that we hadn’t really planned on, but everything came together and the kids are begging to do it again. Lately we’ve been replacing things for our anniversary: last year it was a new blender and vacuum, this year he got me a new showerhead and I got him a cast iron griddle and a spice for when he makes apple pie (it’s the gift that keeps on giving.) And we’re going to try another cooking class together! 

I buy all the Christmas presents except my own, so Matt usually goes all out and gets me something I wouldn’t normally by myself such as new pajamas, a peacoat or boots. It really helps that I keep a detailed spreadsheet of gifts and outings from the entire Advent and Christmas season because it can be so hard to remember that we need a little gift from Santa for our Christmas party, St. Nicholas gifts, Christmas gifts, and gifts from the wise men all times 5 for our children. Plus extended family gifts! 

Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

My husband and I are still building traditions surrounding holidays and celebrations as we continue to establish our budget, our love languages, and our desires for exchanging gifts or sharing experiences. For our most recent first wedding anniversary, we debated sticking with the traditional “paper” gift, leaving it open-ended, or allocating money to take a weekend vacation together. In the end, we did a mix of all three. He brainstormed a weekend getaway and I offered him a gift to start a new hobby (involving paper!). 

We don’t have a set plan for gift-giving yet, and that’s okay (I still appreciate the spontaneity and flexibility depending on the year and our budget)! As we prepare to celebrate various holidays in this season of life before children, I enjoy having conversations with my husband about the traditions we want to establish and why, with the hopes they will continue--and expand--as our family grows. 

Mariah Maza, Features Editor

My husband and I are less than 2 years married, so we haven’t built any strong gift-giving traditions--but I have learned to be okay with that! For our first anniversary, he surprised me with a 24-hour romantic getaway to the Grand Canyon, and I bought him a few small gifts I thought he would find useful. At first I thought my little wrapped presents paled embarrassingly in comparison with his surprise trip, but he loved each one because I had taken the time to think of his needs.

One of my favorite things to buy my husband for birthdays and holidays are Groupons. We’ve done horseback riding, boat rides with dinner, and more. In fact, he was so in love with an online barista/bartending course I bought him (for $2!), that he started pursuing mixing drinks as a serious hobby. He’s steadily learning all the different kinds of liqueur, has a nice bar set, and a thick bar book with recipes and inspiration. Plus, I’ve gotten a lot of tasty, fancy free drinks in the process! 

Danielle Rother, Pinterest Manager

I think spousal gift-giving can be somewhat challenging at times, especially as a wife. I just think, in general, that buying gifts for men is more difficult than buying gifts for women. For my sister or other girl friends I can easily think of cute feminine products that are not too expensive that women always love — such as bath bombs, makeup brushes, eye shadow, earrings, scented body lotion, perfume, candles, etc. Unfortunately, there really isn’t a male equivalent to some of these easy, affordable, staple gift items.

Luckily, my husband has an active Amazon.com wish list that he keeps up to date and I frequently refer to it when buying a gift for him for his birthday, our anniversary, a Christmas gift, etc. Currently, my husband has been interested in a book series that is 8 volumes called Sacrae Theologiae Summa. Since I know he is interested in collecting the whole series sometimes I will get him one of those books as a gift for his birthday or another occasion.

But many times, instead of buying a physical item as a gift, we will also use our money to have fun experiences together. One year, for St. Valentine’s Day, I got my husband concert tickets to see Eric Whitacre and it was an experience both of us thoroughly enjoyed! Earlier this year we went to see a Jim Gaffigan comedy special and we are also planning to take a trip to Walt Disney World in January 2020 as our wedding anniversary gift to each other. Many times, I prefer the shared experiences together — which turn into lasting memories we can fondly look back on.

Our Favorite Quotes on Love + Marriage

Are you in search of quotes for your wedding program, reception tables, family mission statement, or other planning elements?

Truly, the Church is a body; community. There is comfort in knowing alongside God, the saints, and faithful peers, we never walk alone. Here, to form, guide, and encourage you in your vocation, a selection of wise words on marriage and authentic spousal love.

From Scripture

This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. - Genesis 2:23

Now, not with lust, but with fidelity I take this kinswoman as my wife. Send down your mercy on me and on her, and grant that we may grow old together. - Tobit 8:7

Glory in his holy name;let hearts that seek the LORD rejoice! - Psalms 105:3

Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory. For the wedding day of the Lamb* has come, his bride has made herself ready. - Revelation 19:7

For you were called for freedom, brothers. But do not use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh; rather, serve one another through love. - Galatians 5:13

From the Saints

Pure love is capable of great deeds, and it is not broken by difficulty or adversity. As it remains strong in the midst of great difficulties, so too it perseveres in the toilsome and drab life of each day. - Saint Faustina

May you seek Christ, may you find Christ, may you love Christ. - Saint Josemaria Escriva

It is necessary that the heroic becomes daily and that the daily becomes heroic. - Saint Zélie Martin 

I lay my face against the Beloved's face. Everything fell away and I left myself behind, abandoning my cares among the lilies, forgotten. - Saint John of the Cross, Dark Night of the Soul

Love and sacrifice are closely linked, like the sun and the light. We cannot love without suffering and we cannot suffer without love. - Saint Gianna Molla, The Journey of Our Love 

From Theology

God, Who has fatherly concern for everyone, has willed that all men should constitute one family and treat one another in a spirit of brotherhood. For having been created in the image of God, Who "from one man has created the whole human race and made them live all over the face of the earth" (Acts 17:26), all men are called to one and the same goal, namely God Himself. - Gaudiam et Spes

Love alone brings a human being to full awareness of personal existence. For it is in love alone that man finds room enough to be what he is. - Dietrich von Hildebrand, Man, Woman, and the Meaning of Love 

Every mystery of life has its origin in the heart. - Hans Urs von Balthasar, Heart of the World

Love between man and woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial.- Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility

We do not have to become saints by our own power; we have to learn how to let God make us into saints. - Jacques Philippe, In the School of the Holy Spirit

There is no greater force against evil in the world than the love of a man and woman in marriage. After the Holy Eucharist, it has a power beyond anything that we can imagine. - Cardinal Raymond Burke

From Literature

Now I have seen the most beloved music living. I have seen it with its closed eyes, its breathing body, its beating heart. I have seen the soul and mind of this music, which is you. I have seen the music open its eyes and look back at me. And in that moment there was no distance between the composer, the musician, and the one who hears the music...the future opens ahead of us a great mystery before which we can only kneel in reverence. - Michael O’Brien, Island of the World

Healing is impossible in loneliness; it is the opposite of loneliness. Conviviality is healing. To be healed we must come with all the other creatures to the feast of Creation. - Wendell Berry, The Art of the Commonplace

Love is knowing that even when you are alone, you will never be lonely again. And great happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. Loved for ourselves. And even loved in spite of ourselves.” - Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

It is love and friendship, the sanctity and celebration of our relationships, that not only support a good life, but create one. - Wallace Stegner, Crossing to Safety

To know and love one other human being is the root of all wisdom. - Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited

We love sharing in your own journey and the words you live by. Share your favorite quotes on love and marriage in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Madi Myers-Cook Photography

What to Do With Your Dress After the Wedding

CARISSA PLUTA

Your wedding dress is arguably the most beautiful, meaningful, and often expensive piece of clothing you will ever wear.

PHOTOGRAPHY: KASSONDRA DESIGN

And now that your big day has passed, you may be wondering what you can do with that gorgeous gown hanging in your closet. 

Thankfully, there are so many options for your dress that guarantees that it will remain a special reminder of the occasion. 

Keep it

Many people choose to keep their wedding gown for posterity’s sake. 

Having your dress preserved is not as complicated as it sounds, and it makes it possible for you to pass it down to a sister, friend, daughter or even granddaughter. 

You can do it yourself, however, hiring a professional preservationist ensures that you get the most effective and safe cleaning procedure for your unique gown by surveying its unique material, embellishments, and even stains.

Sell or Donate it

There are many options for people looking to clear up closet space by selling their previously worn wedding dress. 

You can choose to sell your dress online to a soon-to-be bride or you can choose to donate it to a worthy cause. 

There are many nonprofit organizations that gift or repurpose used wedding dresses to support many different groups or individuals. 

Related: 6 Options for Selling or Donating Your Wedding Dress

Repurpose it

The material of your wedding gown can likely be repurposed into another item that can be used again and again. 

You could make it (or, for us less crafty ladies, have it made) into a Christmas tree skirt, pillow, or quilts which will serve as a regular reminder of your special day. 

Or you might consider having your dress made into a baptism gown or communion dress for your children, another option for a bride who wants to create a family heirloom to pass down.

Not only is this a meaningful gift for your children, but it also serves as a powerful visual reminder of the fruit (both physical and spiritual) borne through your vows. 

Wear it 

As I will always consider my wedding dress to be the most glamorous dress I’ve ever worn, it seems a shame to only be able to wear it once. And who says you have to?

Some brides make a new tradition by wearing their wedding dress to celebrate their anniversary. (You can even invite your friends to join you in celebrating by doing the same). 

If your dress still fits and you’d love to get back in it, consider making this part of your annual tradition.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Newlywed Life | Supporting Your Spouse During Pregnancy

Preparing for married life is its own journey of knowledge and experience. Preparing for parenthood, a great gift and invitation into the Father’s own creative genius, isn’t so different: there are plans, anticipation, the sense that your life is on the precipice of permanent, formative change.If you and your spouse find yourselves expecting early on in your marriage, how can you support one another?

Here, five suggestions for deepening your relationship and growing in self-gift during the season of pregnancy.

Photography: Kirsten Ann Photography

Express your needs clearly.

In these weeks and months of physical and emotional change, any fatigue, sickness, and nesting-induced desires to remain at home more often are normal. As you and your beloved navigate these changes for the first time, communication--just as in so many other dimensions of a healthy relationship--goes a long way in keeping the both of you on the same page. Rather than assuming your spouse knows your current physical and mental states or expecting certain acts of service or help, voice them! A loving spouse will be more than happy to serve you when expectations are communicated clearly.

Are you expecting a “honeymoon baby?” Insights into the joys and challenges.

Know how much--or how little--practical preparation is healthy for you and your beloved.

Some couples devour as much literature on marriage as possible before their wedding day; others prefer more practical wisdom and experience over the written word. Neither approach to preparation is right or wrong, but simply a matter of preference and personality.

In the same way, the world of baby and parenting books is vast. If you find yourselves overwhelmed by information or in disagreement with certain principles you encounter, know you’ll be no less loving or capable parents if you choose to step back from reading and education. As an alternative to intensive reading and research, try simply talking with your spouse about the birth experience, career plans, education possibilities, and family culture each of you envisions.

Develop habits of sacrifice.

The family is built on self-gift and service. Each of our domestic churches is a school of loving sacrifice, and this call is particularly evident in the demands of caring for a newborn. And yet, even before your child is born, you and your spouse can strengthen yourselves in self-giving; willing what is best for another person even when it’s inconvenient and when the feelings aren’t there. During these months of preparation for parenthood, identify concrete ways each of you desire to grow in sacrifice and self-discipline and help one another put these ways into action. Consider practices like fasting, avoiding your snooze button, or limiting screen time.

Find ways to stay connected to your spouse while raising young children.

Seek compromise in all things.

Another milestone, another registry. As you and your spouse choose the items you’ll use to care for your baby, you might find yourselves in varying states of excitement and disagreement, just as you did while creating your wedding gift registry. Strive to see and listen to one another and communicate your priorities.

Compromise in parenting, of course, extends beyond material matters. Know that it’s alright not to be in complete agreement over every matter of sleep, discipline, feeding, and more before your baby’s birth. As you and your spouse enter into your roles more fully after baby arrives, you’ll find greater freedom and flexibility in making decisions best suited to your child’s temperament and to each of your needs. Your child’s life is eternal, allowing you more than enough time to determine your outlook on parenting!

Do decisions about the future stress you out? Read about finding rest in the unknown.

Invite each other in.

Although men and women experience pregnancy in distinctly different ways, there’s no denying the deeper closeness that arises from sharing an intimate, particular love for your child; your love for one another, made embodied and visible. So savor this sacred time, and embrace the gift of being revealed to one another in a new way. Check in frequently on one another’s feelings, meet any fears with hope and sensitivity, and pray together for your child as he or she grows and as you choose a name.

If you and your spouse struggle with infertility, you are seen and aren’t alone. Read past pieces on infertility here.

We love walking beside you in your vocation. Are you currently expecting? Share in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media with your best tips for nurturing your marriage during pregnancy.

Creative October Feast Day Celebrations for Couples

The feasts and rhythms of the liturgical year are a great gift to our faith, building in natural occasions for prayer and community. The forthcoming month of October, in particular, celebrates many Spoken Bride favorites whose lives and spiritualities resonate with the vocation to marriage.

Here, a selection of October feast days, suggestions for entering into them, and some favorite fall date ideas from the team.

October 1, Feast of Saint Therése of Lisieux

Pray: Read a passage from Therése’s autobiography, Story of a Soul, or from Fr. Jacques Phillipe’s The Way of Trust and Love: A Retreat Guided by St. Therése of Lisieux. Remembering Therése’s “Little Way,” offer the tasks and inconveniences of the day for the glory of God.

Celebrate: Therése promised to she would spend her eternity showering down roses upon the earth from heaven, and is particularly associated with the flower. Bring home a bouquet of roses for your table.

October 2, Feast of the Guardian Angels

Pray: Give thanks not only to your guardian angel, but to your beloved’s, asking that he or she be protected, fulfilled, and led closer to the Father on this day and always.

Celebrate: Make an angel hair pasta dish or angel food cake! If you and your beloved don’t have a strong education in or devotion to the angels, seek out media that can spark your knowledge. Formed, available through most parishes, offers a variety of quality video and book resources.

October 4, Feast of Saint Francis of Assisi

Pray: Franciscan orders take vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. Discuss and identify ways to live out these virtues in your relationship.

Celebrate: Francis was a lover of God’s creation. Go on a hike or walk together.

October 5, Feast of Saint Faustina

Pray: Read a selection from Faustina’s Diary and pray or sing the Chaplet of Divine Mercy.

Celebrate: In thanksgiving for Christ’s gift of endless mercy, plan a date night that begins with going to confession. Saint Faustina frequently described water imagery in her conversations with Jesus, calling his mercy “an ocean,” with our sin but a single, insignificant drop in comparison to his vast love and forgiveness. If you live near an ocean or lake, consider spending an afternoon or evening there.

October 7, Feast of Our Lady of the Rosary

Pray: Say a decade or more of the Rosary with your beloved. If you’re unfamiliar, research the origins of this feast day, on which Our Lady came to the aid of Christian soldiers in battle.

Celebrate: Pick out new rosaries as gifts for each other.

October 15, Feast of Saint Teresa of Jesus (Teresa of Avila)

Pray: Teresa, a great mystic and doctor of the Church, is famously depicted in a state of divine rapture in Bernini’s sculpture The Ecstasy of Saint Teresa. Meditate on the sculpture and on the nature of earthly and divine desire--this piece provides a welcome starting point.

Celebrate: Make or go out for a Spanish meal, in honor of Teresa’s heritage.

October 22, Feast of Saint John Paul II

Pray: One of the most prolific popes in recent history, John Paul’s writings illuminate the human heart. Choose a selection from his writings, including his World Youth Day addresses, Letter to Women, Letter to Artists, or the Theology of the Body Audiences, to read and discuss together.

Celebrate: John Paul was a man of many hobbies who strove to be fully alive. Spend time together engaged in one of his favorite pursuits, like theatre, hiking, or skiing.

Fall date suggestions from the Spoken Bride team:

Pumpkin picking and carving, and baking pies. - Carissa Pluta, Editor at Large

Wineries, foliage tours, or hiking. - Jiza Zito, Co-Founder & Creative Director

Apple picking, volunteering at a food shelter, or a cooking class to anticipate Thanksgiving. - Andi Compton, Business Director

Brunch and consignment shopping. - Stephanie Fries, Associate Editor

We love hearing your stories and traditions. Share your favorite liturgical living traditions and seasonal date ideas in the comments and on Spoken Bride’s social media.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Laurel Creative, seen in Jamaila + Andy | Nature-Inspired Wedding

Dealing With Spiritual Desolation During Engagement + Married Life

DENAE PELLERIN

Desolation characterized most of my dating and engagement relationships with my husband. At one point in dating as we sat outside an Adoration chapel, I confessed, “I don’t think that I believe in God anymore.” 

He looked at me and said, “I will love you regardless and pray for you, because that must be so hard for you.” 

Photography: Jordan Dumba Photography, from the author’s wedding

Faithful for so many years, I was sitting in the midst of the answer of my prayers for a Christ-like man to become my spouse, yet I could not experience the presence of God in a way I once knew. 

My husband’s response to my struggles brought forward an image of a tender Jesus, patiently waiting for me--not a dictator waiting for me to conform. How broken my image of God had become; where I feared him and lived in compliance. 

As we approached our wedding day, I began feeling anxious about whether or not this sacrament would give me the “high” I longed for--that connection I once had felt with the Lord. I began to fear: would it mean something is wrong if that didn’t happen? What do I have to do to make sure I “feel” something? Is my lack of faith a sign that this vocation is not for me?

Faithful trust pulled me forward, helping me believe that even without the spiritual high, God would be present and our wedding day could bring glory to him. 

I also began reflecting on the gift of desolation, which allowed my mind to discern my vocation without the clouding of emotions and “signs” that could lead me to confusion. My past prayer journals showed me how my soon-to-be-husband was exactly what I had always longed for, and I had an immense sense of peace at the thought of marrying him. 

I vowed to put intentional effort into everything about our wedding, as though I had complete trust and faith in God. As I began contemplating the intricacies of our nuptial Mass, I was drawn towards readings and songs that kept me grounded in the truths of the Catholic faith I could believe in this moment, the hope I held for our future, my past experiences and journey to a place of faith, and requests for assistance from God and the saints. 

One of the reasons I chose the parish we were married in was for the stained glass image of the Annunciation right above the altar. For years I had been attending the parish; often during Mass, I would gaze upon the image of Mary kneeling before the angel. At one time, I had a great devotion to Mary and her words “Let it done to me according to thy will” were the words that came to me in moments of great risk and faith.

In this time of desolation and uncertainty, I found comfort and affiliation in the image of me kneeling with my husband, and Mary, before the angel. 

On our wedding day we approached the altar to Sara Groves’ “He’s Always Been Faithful to Me,” a song that proclaims a truth my heart cannot always make. 

Our Gospel reading was the Beatitudes. As the line “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy” was proclaimed, it pierced my heart. As a social worker and pro-life advocate, so much of my desolation had come from experiencing immense brokenness and not seeing God’s power within it. 

That desolation had brought me to a place of hopelessness and struggles with sin. Yet here on this day, I heard the voice of the Lord telling me he saw me. 

He saw my merciful heart for others and in response, his mercy would extend, overwhelm, and overlook all the brokenness I had been feeling and experiencing. I was-- and had always been-- enough for him, despite my struggles with lack of belief. 

It did not overtake my body like so many experiences of the Holy Spirit had before;, it was not a fire lit in my soul. The experience was so intimate, and what I realize now is that it was an acknowledgement to the constant burning, which had been there even when I could no longer see.

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 About the Author: Denae Pellerin discovered the truth of Christ at an evangelical summer camp as a youth and later made her way to the Catholic Church because of her public Catholic education. Denae loves Catholic Social Teaching, Marian Devotions, and Women-Centered Pro-Life Actions.

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Five Ways Catholic Couples Can Practice Hospitality this Fall

CARISSA PLUTA

Married couples can offer many unique gifts to their family, friends, and community that are specific to their particular calling, especially the gift of hospitality. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBEY REZ PHOTOGRAPHY

By creating a home, married couples create a space in which they can invite others in, a space to allow others to receive a taste of the beauty and communion of our heavenly home. 

Couples can practice hospitality in a variety of ways, but if you are looking for some ideas on how to do this in this new Fall season, give one of these a try!

Host a game night

What better way to spend a cozy autumn evening than with a fun game night! 

Game nights are a laid-back and enjoyable way to host old friends or new ones you want to get to know better. You and your spouse might even consider making it a weekly event. 

You can try out a game you’ve never played before, or bust out a well loved party game. You could even ask your board game savvy invitees to bring their favorite game to share with the group. 

Invite local college students for a home-cooked meal

By now, college students may find that they’ve exhausted the dining options on campus and are itching for a home-cooked meal. 

If you know a student or meet them at Sunday or daily mass, take the time to get to know them and then invite them over to share a meal with your family. 

Students will appreciate delicious food, and will also enjoy experiencing life with a family (especially if you have young kids!) 

Pie Tasting

Take this classic Fall treat and make a night out of it. Buy a variety of pies from the grocery store or from your local farmer’s market, and invite your neighbors over for a tasting.

If you wanted to add another layer to this idea, invite your family, friends, or neighbors to partake in a pie baking contest and then vote on a winner. It’s a fun (and delicious) activity everyone can enjoy.

Invite other couples to pray a rosary

The Church has declared October as the month of the Holy Rosary, so there is no better time to light some candles and pray a decade (or five!)

Invite your friends or other couples from your parish over for dinner (or drinks and dessert) and a rosary. You could simply pray it or you could provide some scripture to meditate on in between each decade. 

This idea can help build a community among other Catholic couples and can allow you to build friendships on a strong foundation.

Host an All Hallows Eve party

The night before All Saints Day (October 31st) has long been known as All Hallows Eve. So you and your husband might consider celebrating the communion of saints on Halloween night. 

Invite guests to dress up as their favorite saints or bring a potluck dish that relates to their favorite saint (perhaps Pope Cakes for St. John Paul II or a rose cake for the Little Flower?) You can have a contest for best dressed or prizes for correctly guessing someone else’s chosen saint. 

Get creative in planning this event and encourage your guests to experience the joy the Church (both on Earth and in Heaven) have to offer.

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About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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A Reflection on Veiling and Intimacy

STEPHANIE CALIS

How did a recent Mass reading about the Ten Commandments lead me to tears over the gift of the body and the hidden, particular relationship spouses share with one another?

Photography: Fiat Photography

The Book of Exodus accounts how, after times in conversation with God, Moses would descend Mount Sinai radiant; literally and visibly changed by the encounter. The Israelites were uncomfortable at the sight, “afraid to come near him.”

Ultimately, we read that Moses makes the decision to veil himself when he comes down from the mountaintop, covering the radiance upon his face. He only removes it when alone and in the presence of God, in prayer.

How beautifully analogous this sense of veiled radiance is to the way our own prayer lives can or should be, and to the nature of marriage. How there is deep joy in being unveiled, naked before the Beloved, but only within the most intimate, free, and trusting setting.

Why is it I felt shy in front of friends and family after returning home from my honeymoon? Why do we struggle to hide our stupid, seemingly uncontainable grins from others after a moment of transcendence in prayer or in our relationship with our spouse?

It’s hard to re-enter the world right after those mountaintop experiences, still wearing that radiance. Part of my desire to do so, I’ve realized, is a wish to keep the experience sacred. Hidden. Not out of shame, but out of reverence for the gift.

On her wedding day, a bride veils herself, reserving the fullness of a face-to-face gaze for her bridegroom alone. At every Mass, the tabernacle is kept covered or closed until the Liturgy of the Eucharist--the holy union wherein time stops and heaven meets earth.

It is when these respective sacraments are complete--consummated--that an unveiling takes place, honoring the goodness of the body: those of husband and wife, speaking the language of their wedding vows in the flesh, and that of Christ himself, broken, poured out, and given to his bride the Church.

Just as Moses encountered the living God in a direct, personal way, so too do the sacraments draw us into his presence as closely as is possible on earth. And we are indelibly changed: Ven. Fulton Sheen reflected on the knowledge of another that is revealed to spouses in marriage. There is no return to how things were, he says, for “neither can live again as if nothing had ever happened.”

Whether you’re in the season of discernment, of preparing for marriage, or of living out married life, may all earthly joys reveal to you the love of our divine Beloved. May you be encouraged in freedom, unmasked, unveiled, and radiant with his love.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Newlywed Life | A Responsibility to be Obedient

STEPHANIE FRIES

The first sin in the Garden of Eden was the sin of disobedience. Baptism is the initial sacrament in our Christian journey which cleanses the stain of original sin. 

At the moment of our baptism, we no longer belong to ourselves, but we “belong… to him who died and rose for us.” With the grace of the sacrament comes a responsibility to live in service, obedience and submission to God and the Church. The stain of original sin predisposes us to temptation, to fall away from God throughout our lives.

Throughout the lifespan, every sacrament, including the Sacrament of Matrimony, is a gift from God to empower men and women in their journey of service, obedience, and selfless submission.  

PHOTOGRAPHY: DU CASTEL PHOTOGRAPHY

Obedience is about responding to a call or a command. Children learn obedience in the home through the instruction and discipline of their parents. An obedient child is one who hears an instruction from a parent and responds appropriately and respectfully. In much the same way, our “grown up” responsibility requires adults to hear the command of God the Father and respond appropriately and respectfully. 

When the two become one flesh, man and woman are called to obey for the sake of their beloved, either in protection of or nurture for the other. And through marriage and family life, spouses collaborate to fulfill God’s commands and live as visible signs of his unconditional love. 

One must first discern the will of God before exercising freedom and choosing to obey him. 

Do you know the call God is asking you to obey? As it may relate to you in your individual life or within the context of your marriage, God yearns to be heard. He speaks through the big moments of our lives as well as the quiet movements in our hearts. In order to discern his will, we must create a space to ponder him--in the Mass, prayer, confession, and personal reflection. 

In the chaos of our lives, the will of God can be muffled amidst external responsibilities or expectations from others. 

Work can be a source of complication; for example, ‘I am confident God called me to this job, but my employer is asking me to sacrifice family dinner in order to meet a deadline... is God asking me to surrender family time for this job?’ 

In another context of extended family life, ‘I strive to honor my mother and father, yet they expect me and my husband to abandon our weekly date-night in order to spend more time with them; is God asking me to abandon intimate time with my husband in order to obey my parents?” 

These questions—and the decisions we must make—are complex and complicated. There is not often a clear “right or wrong” answer. Returning to a process of prayerful discernment and an examination of conscience may provide clarity in making the best choice.

Woman and man were created as reciprocal helpmates for each other. Through the gift and grace of marriage, couples can discern, discuss, and set boundaries for decision making in accordance with both God and their personal family values. 

Making a decision to protect personal intimacy with God and spouse may not be understood by others. Such unpopular boundaries may parallel an experience of Christ’s carrying of the cross; by fulfilling God’s design for his life with obedience, he received blows to his body from his peers and community members. 

An act of obedience, as established through Baptism, is to obey the will of God. As established through Marriage, holy obedience is a means for joint sanctification of both spouses. 

“Freedom is the power, rooted in reason and will, to act or not to act, to do this or that, and so to perform deliberate actions on one’s own responsibility. By free will one shapes one’s own life. Human freedom is a force for growth and maturity in truth and goodness; it attains its perfection when directed toward God, our beatitude.”

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About the Author: Stephanie Fries is Spoken Bride’s Associate Editor. Stephanie’s perfect day would include a slow morning and quality time with her husband, Geoff, a strong cup of coffee, and a homemade meal (…with dessert). Read more

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Infertility is More Than Physical. Research-Based Advice for Engaged + Newlywed Couples.

In the heady first days of engagement and marriage, it’s hard to imagine the possibility of anything but lifelong joy.

Though the head knows marriage calls spouses to suffering and purification, the heart is frequently focused only on the blissful--and in many ways, rightly so.

Where, then, does that leave you and your spouse the first time you face a major cross or struggle? How can we live in the tension of suffering and hope while seeking to support and understand one another?

Marc Sherman and his wife Erin struggled to conceive for nearly a decade after their wedding day. With all glory to God, they are now parents, yet their personal journey illuminated a deep need: while science and medicine offer a wealth of physical support, where were emotional and psychological resources for spouses experiencing infertility?

Marc and Erin set out to meet this need, working with research psychologists to produce qualitative and quantitative research pertaining to husbands and wives’ individual and interpersonal experiences of infertility. Their business, Organic Conceptions, was founded in 2015, offering online education designed to develop couples’ emotional awareness, communication, healthy thought patterns, and understanding of the holistic relationship between mind and body. 

Whether infertility is or is not a part of your current season, the principles of communication and understanding are relevant to all couples. Marc chatted with us to share his advice and perspective for spouses-to-be and newlyweds.

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Organic Conceptions is rooted in you and your wife's personal journey with infertility. Can you share a bit of your story, and how your struggles impacted your marriage and spiritual lives (for better and for worse)?

We often see life evolving and sequencing in a particular way, and “struggle” is such an understatement in terms of what’s happening behind the scenes. Within just several months, that anxiety, worry, and concern over did we wait too long? And what’s wrong with my body? Becomes so emotionally difficult.

For my wife and I, after many, many years struggling, we were prepared to adopt and then conceived naturally--not once, but on two occasions. When you’re struggling, these are the most frustrating stories to hear. Friends and family try to encourage you, but it’s such a sensitive space. 

After living this twice, it was very clear that things were different in each of our experiences. For my wife, it changed her perception of herself, her body, our relationships, past decisions leading to this journey...that led to the start of Organic Conceptions. We hired research psychologist Dr. Kate Webster to look into the patterns that emerge in [couples’ experiences of] infertility. From a marriage perspective, this is potentially one of the first major [challenges] you face as a couple. Everything you do is called into question, including your faith.

Dr. Webster’s research ultimately showed every couple’s story would map to the same set of emotional transitions through grief, pain, and worry. These emotions are validated through the research, and then we can start to empower and support couples to stay married and close through these difficulties. 

There is a way in which a woman experiences this differently than her husband. We tell our couples, neither is right nor wrong. It’s about emotionally coming closer together and leaning on each other. Like any issue in a marriage, there’s middle ground that, through this research, can bring them to that place. Couples begin understanding how to engage and stay connected in the light of uncertainty--and there are other instances of pain and uncertainty in marriage [in addition to infertility; this provides a solid foundation for future difficulties.

For recently married couples bearing this cross of infertility, what practical advice you can share?

I want these couples to know: your emotional health and well-being matters. Research speaks to what happens in the month-to-month devastation of hope to despair.

At the highest level, our emotional and reproductive health aren’t entirely separate systems. We are physical, emotional, and spiritual beings.

[I encourage couples to not be] be too quick to jump only to fixing the physical and seeking answers; give meaning to emotional processing and experiences, as well.

Individually, couples need to make sense of this journey, but it does need to be entered into together. At the root, it’s about building a marriage, family, and life.

What about engaged couples? How can they work through fears or preexisting fertility issues in a productive way? 

Erin and I often say, Wouldn’t it be great if someone got to us sooner and made us feel we matter as individuals and as a couple; that our faith matters and that [conception] is more than a to-do list item? This is a wonderful time in couples’ lives, and for some it might not go exactly as planned--wouldn’t it be great if a couple actually puts on the table early on, asking, if this doesn’t go as planned, what options or treatments are we open to as alternatives? What a healthy conversation to talk about the timing and methods you each are open to. It’s a conversation that needs to happen earlier on than it typically does.

Marriages are damaged by the journey, not the outcome.

If a couple’s journey wasn’t made in a connected, intimate way while making decisions together throughout an infertility experience, it can carry over into family life.

The ache for children and family is a natural and human desire. How can Catholic couples respectfully, lovingly answer friends and family who suggest they pursue infertility treatment options not in line with the Catholic faith?

I suggest couples focus on connecting emotionally, share their thoughts as a unit, and remember their faith. IVF and fertility treatments emphasizes the physical, treating it as a problem to be solved, and leaves out the emotional and spiritual pieces [of who we are]--we need to make room for all three.

I’ve had the pleasure of working with so many NaPro doctors about getting to the root of what the body is telling us: are we brave enough to listen to what our bodies are saying? In my mind, these are the most logical first steps: learning and having confidence in our bodies. Rather than leaping over and dismissing it, let’s pay attention to it. Couples can use this language of the body and the logic of fertility care in their conversations.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Her Witness Photography

An exclusive offer for Spoken Bride readers

If and when you feel called to sign up for Organic Conceptions’ programs, fill in “Spoken Bride” at checkout in response to “How did you hear about the program?” to receive the program workbook and journal for free. Questions may be directed to Organic Conceptions.